05x08 - Punch Dad

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪ Queen ♪ I'm sorry, was there something you wanted to say?

No?

Didn't think so.

Bye, Sweetheart.

Okay.

Let me guess.

This is about the pic I emailed the Mom Group.

Hm?

You guys wanna talk about it?

The pic that made you all so uncomfortable?!

Yeah!

Why would you send it to us?

- Right, like, are you stupid?

- No, I'm not stupid.

I-I sent it...

I sent it on purpose.

What?

Why?

Because it's high time you guys um, took a look.

Took a look?

At your anus?!

At my a... no, not at my anus, at yourselves!

It's important, it's healthy.

The doctors recommend it, you know what I'm saying?

Plus, I was just trying to liven up the chain, you know?

sh**t you a nude.

- Wait, that was a nude?

- Of course it was a nude.

Didn't you recognize dem holes?

You guys are so uptight, you probably don't even have holes.

- I have holes.

- Oh, really?

Congratulations, Becky.

Maybe take 'em for a test drive.

Make sure they haven't sealed up!

Use 'em, or you lose 'em.

I just assumed it was for your doctor, it was so... medical.

Maybe you should avoid fluorescent lighting next time.

Not a bad note.

(SIGHS)

All right, great talk, Ladies.

Keep it loose, or tight.

Dealer's choice.

- ♪ Strut ♪

- JENNY: Wow,

- JENNY: sucks to be her.

- (BOTH LAUGH)

Do I have anything in my teeth?

Those g*dd*mn poppy seed muffins are real sluts.

- (LIONEL SHOUTING IN VIDEO)

- KATE: sh*t!

- Do you have any dental floss?

- LIONEL: I am so sorry!

- Have you seen this?

- Hmm?

- ALICE: What are you doing?

- LIONEL: Aaah!

- Oh my God!

- ALICE: Oh my God, Dad!

- Lionel hit a kid?

- BENNETT: What the hell?

- Wait, is that Bennett?

- ALICE: What are you doing?

That's not Lionel.

What?

It's obviously Lionel.

I'm staring at his face.

Alice is right there.

- What the hell are we gonna do?

- Look, my team just sent this to me, okay?

They assured me that it's deep-dive internet sh*t.

We can handle this.

Your job, right now, is to get out there, stay calm, and sell this book.

- What if it comes up?

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

DIRECTOR: They're ready for you.

Uh, thank you very much, be right out.

It won't.

Listen to me... no one has seen this, okay?

- (NERVOUS EXHALE)

- Smile.

(TV SHOW INTRO MUSIC PLAYS)

Good morning, joining us today is parenting expert,

- Dr. Anne Carlson.

- (APPLAUSE)

- Thank you for being here.

- Oh, it's my pleasure.

Now I can imagine this morning has been a complicated one for you.

- Excuse me?

- Releasing a parenting book as the world discovers you're married to "Punch Dad."

- "Punch Dad?"

- Holy f*ck.

I believe we have a clip.

- Aaah!

- AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

- ALICE: Oh my God, Dad!

- Oh, Jesus Christ, Lionel.

- LIONEL: I am so sorry!

- BENNETT: What the hell, man?!

- ALICE: What are you doing?!

- Oh God.

Why is he spinning him around?

What the f*ck is that?

Do you cover this in your book?

- Um...

- Aaah!

So your husband punched a kid?

- Well...

- Aaah!

Has he ever punched an adult, or does he exclusively punch kids?

- Aaah!

- (LAUGHS)

Is he a yeller too, or just a puncher?

- Aaah!

- That's not Lionel.

Oh come on, God!

Does he always punch like his wrists are broken?

Does he have soft knuckles, or what?

Can we see that in slo-mo?

(SLOWED DOWN)

Aaaaah!

ALICE: (SLOWED DOWN)

Oh my God, Dad!

(SIGHS)

Oh, f*ck.

(HORNS HONK, STREETCAR RUMBLES)

(TRAFFIC RUMBLES)

Buckle up, we're on a mission.

Oh!

What kind?

Sex?

v*olence?

Both?

I gotta go talk Brody's father out of a lawsuit.

The kid who ran through a window?

Why are you bringing us?

Well, I told Bianca I'd make more of an effort connecting with Sol.

Look, I'm sorry for putting him on you so much.

I don't know, with Rhoda, it was so easy.

And I spend time with him, it's just not happening, because he's got no spark!

The kid's sparkless.

What are you talking about?

The kid is all spark.

- (GROANS)

- Check it.

Hggggh!

Boo!

(SOL GIGGLES)

Oooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

- Ah dee dee dee dee dee dee!

- (JUNIPER AND SOL LAUGH)

See?

He loves to laugh.

Yeah, well, you know, anyone can make a funny face.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

(SOL CRIES)

God, what is wrong with me?

(SOL CRIES)

He's a vibes man.

You either got vibes, or you don't got vibes.

Vibes.

That's great.

Thanks, Juniper.

- Really helpful.

- Come on!

- (SOL GIGGLES)

- Yep!

♪ - (DOOR BANGS SHUT)

- Lionel, you punched a kid?!

Uh, w-uh... he's a really shitty kid!

I don't care!

What were you thinking?!

I wasn't thinking.

I was super stressed out taking care of everything,

- and then Alice gets suspended...

- Dad!

What?

You got suspended?!

For what?

- For falling in love.

- No!

It was for destroying a classroom.

- Are you kidding me?!

- Alice, why would you...

- Dad punched a kid.

- Don't deflect right now!

(SIGHS)

What am I gonna do?

I understand that you are upset, and yes, what I did was very wrong, but need I remind you that you are the one that took off on your family, and you've been hiding out with your friends!

Stays with friends...

"Punch Dad." I prefer "Fight Father." Or "Papa Pummels" if you're having fun.

- Who's having fun?!

- I need to go have a walk.

I would love to take a leisurely walk right now!

- Me too.

- Actually, if you could all go.

Yeah.

Girls, come on, let's go.

Let's go.

So, are you coming?

FRANKIE: Huh? What are you talking about?

Frank, I left you like, six messages.

Oh my God, it's , Giselle, no one listens to messages, just text me.

I got Rhoda an interview at the Sunshine School

- of the Arts.

- Holy crap!

That's like an impossible get.

Thank you for doing that.

Well, she already has the talent, and now it's our job to nurture it.

You're such a good Mom, so natural.

It's just... effortless.

I'll have you know I went through tremendous effort to get this.

Now are you coming, or what?

Uh, yeah, I would, totally, but I-I can't.

I'm, I'm on this mission.

Always with the missions, Frankie.

I'll take care of it, as I always do, myself.

- (DOOR SLAMS)

- Ohhh!

You are gonna have to check me for ticks.

Cool.

All right, let's roll.

(TRAFFIC RUMBLES)

KATE: The human foot is all the technology a runner needs.

And your shoes are a testament to that.

Light, sleek, functional, no bullshit.

That's the world of Strada.

That's exactly right.

Are you a runner?

- You talk like a runner.

- What'd I tell you?

- Isn't she great?

- Oh yeah.

All right, let's quit flirting and talk retainer,

- shall we?

- Oh, I usually have Tia handle that.

She's business affairs, so...

Not sure why I need Tia when I got you right here.

What do you say we load this pig with dynamite?

- What?

- Good lord.

It's not a big... it's just something, it's way to...

it's like, let's explode the situ... so we're $ , .

Not including our hourly rate, which is $ .

(GASPS)

Okay, but that's way out of the price range.

(LAUGHS)

Of course, let's talk about something inside your price range, we'll give Tia a call, and...

All right, Max, you came to us because you wanted a shop with a proven track record.

If you want guaranteed results, that's what it costs.

Okay.

Well, if you're not willing to negotiate, then...

I guess this meeting's over.

- RICHARD: Oh!

- Well, hold on a second...

No!

No, no, we're good.

Richard, thanks for bringing me in.

Yeah...

Well, that guy was definitely a complete assh*le.

What the hell was that?!

What?

I was trying to communicate what we deserve.

You were being an ass.

And that was embarrassing!

But if we don't set expectations up front, people are gonna see us as pushovers, and we're gonna lose business.

I'm pretty sure we just did.

Let me tell you something, Missy, this Sloane woman better be everything you think she is, because you're putting a hell of lot of eggs in that basket.

Bye.

(SIGHS)

♪ ♪ You'll see that she has been working extensively a...

(DEEP INHALE)

Hmm.

Thank you for coming in today.

Here at Sunshine School of the Arts, we're less concerned with what an artist does, but rather who an artist is.

So...

Rhoda, who are you?

Rhoda.

- She's right.

She is.

- Right, then.

Well, why don't you tell me a little bit about your artistic inspiration.

Who's your favourite artist, Rhoda?

Could be anyone.

(WHISPERS)

Basquiat!

Basket?

I'd really like to hear from Rhoda directly.

Of course.

So, Jean-Michel Basquiat.

A fun one.

Do you like other neo-expressionist artists?

Really?

Like who?

You're on your own.

♪ ♪ (PHONE BUZZES)

Deep dive internet sh*t, huh?

This, this is everywhere.

Yeah.

About that.

We've tracked down the original post.

- Are you sitting down?

- ANNE: "Cutie Committee?!"

- That's your handle?

- Well...

What, was "Petty pilled-out bracelet bimbo with a house full of useless water features" taken?!

What is this about?

The pills?

Just book a session, it's minutes!

Anne, please. Then why are you coming for my family?

My son and his perfect record could've gone anywhere. Harvard, Yale, you name it.

But then your garbage daughter...

Leave my garbage daughter out of this!

And then, to add insult to injury, your soft husband punches my son, and twirls him.

You couldn't have just pressed charges

- like a normal person?

- What fun would that be?

Public humiliation is far more damaging to a fancy author.

Don't you think?

- I'm comin' for you.

- (TAPS CALL OFF)

Cher...

♪ (TRAFFIC RUMBLES)

- Hey, you're "Punch Dad."

- What?

N-No.

- Yeah, no, you totally are.

- No, I'm not.

- Here.

Yeah!

- That's not me.

So what're you gonna do, huh?

You gonna punch me?

- No!

No, no, no, no!

- Or am I too old?

- Come on, punch me!

Come on!

- No, no, I'm not gonna...

- Hey!

Hey!

It is you!

- It's not me!

I didn't do it!

That's "Punch Dad!" (LAUGHS)

Go ahead, Honey, draw.

I think I've seen everything I need to make a decision.

I'll be in touch.

Well, hold on.

Just because she doesn't feel like drawing fruit doesn't...

I'm sorry, we have several more of these

- to get through today.

- Oh.

Okay.

Well, thank you for the opportunity.

All right, maybe my daughter didn't draw your fruity little picture.

But Rhoda comes from a family of artists.

And in our family, we don't have "still life!" We celebrate movement!

My mother was a dancer, and my grandmother would paint her.

And my Rhoda has it in her too.

That may be, but...

still life is part of our curriculum.

So, if there is nothing else?

- (PAPERS RUSTLE)

- Rats!

Not everybody wants to draw fruit!

♪ (KEYS CLACK)

Uh uh.

(SIGHS)

- (EXASPERATED EXHALE)

- (PHONE BUZZES)

Oh.

Nathan, good.

I'm glad.

You would not believe what happened to me earlier.

Marlene d*ed.

She had another heart att*ck.

Who? Kate.

Oh, uh, your ex-girlfriend.

I'm sorry.

Oh, she was so young.

Ugh.

f*ckin' bummer.

You would not believe what Richard said to me earlier.

He actually tried to shame me for doing my...

Uh, hello?

Are you hearing yourself right now?

"Bummer?" Well, look, I'm sorry, but it's not like I really knew her, I mean, you barely knew her anymore.

You haven't spoken to her in what, years?

I didn't realize there was a statute of limitations on grief.

I sure hope my death doesn't inconvenience your next meeting.

(UPSET SCOFF)

- (TAPS CALL OFF)

- Come on.. ah!

(SIGHS)

Ah, listen to me, Miss Rhoda.

You're going to meet a lot of Deans in your life.

Never let them tell you you're not talented.

The life of an artist is very hard, but your first rejection is a milestone!

So congratulations, artist!

(PHONE RINGS)

_ - Hello?

- DEAN: Hello, Ms.

Bois.

How can I help you, Dean Haskel?

I reviewed the rest of Rhoda's portfolio, and I think she'd make a superb candidate for art school.

We'd like to offer her a space.

She's busy at the moment honing her craft, but I'll see if she's still interested.

- We need to know by Friday.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh!

You are interested!

(GASPS)

It's a very good school!

(SHARP INHALE)

We'll call him back in minutes.

Make him sweat.

You're going to art school!

Bah-dee-dee-bah!

Go!

(LAUGHS)

(DOOR SLAMS, FRANKIE SIGHS)

Great help, Juniper.

Okay.

"Hello, I'm Frankie, and I've been sent here today "to ask you to drop the lawsuit.

"Wild energy that was a liability, and as such, the claims of this lawsuit are invalid." I got this.

I got this.

(FOOTSTEPS THUD)

(KNOCKING)

(CALMING EXHALE)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(SOL BABBLES)

Uh, can I help you?

Hello, my name is Frankie.

Brody was an amazing person, I'm so sorry for your loss.

(QUIET SOB)

Can I come in?

So uh, you worked with Brody?

Yeah, he was a really, really great kid.

And um, I think I may have led him through that window.

Well, not like, led him per se, but I, I really encouraged all my employees to like, harness their unique energies, and...

Brody had a lot of energy.

And, I just,

- I should've reined him in.

- Stop.

I appreciate what you're trying to do.

But that window broke because it was garbage.

And that building should never have been built!

There's no excuse for it.

Anyway, I, I've got a lot to deal with, so uh, unless there's something else...

Oh, right, um...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, I uh, I, I came here to ask you to um...

Well?

I just wanna say I'm really sorry.

(SIGHS)

I appreciate it.

(SOL BABBLES)

How old is the tough guy?

Uh, months.

- ...

(LAUGHS)

I'm...

- (LAUGHS)

I could never remember Brody's age, either.

(CHUCKLES)

All that matters is that you love him, you give him everything he needs, and...

you just try to figure out who the hell he is.

Everything else just kinda...

falls into place.

♪ Savour every minute for me, will ya?

Yeah.

- Uh, do me a favour?

- Yeah, sure, what's that?

Tell that Ron to go f*ck himself.

You got it.

♪ There you are!

Ah!

Sorry, I got recognized.

Someone knew I was "Fight Father."

- Lionel.

- Yeah?

I'm uh...

I think...

we're in trouble.

I know.

It's Cheryl, she said that she's coming for me.

She leaked the video!

She's gonna make my life miserable, she's gonna...

make your life miserable!

- Alice is not safe!

- Okay, okay, it's fine.

She's just a person with really...

- shitty jewelry.

- Yeah!

She has a right to be mad.

I mean...

her son was pulverized by muscles you can't even imagine.

Stop it.

Look...

I find when somebody is hurt,

they just need to feel seen and heard.

So I think I could just clear all this all up

- if I just spoke with her.

- No!

Anne, I hit a kid.

I shouldn't have, but here we are.

Yeah, you were protecting our daughter.

Well, let me do it again.

The right way this time, with words...

instead of v*olence.

Okay.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I ruined your press tour.

Ugh!

Honestly, I don't even care.

I just wanna go back to being a psychiatrist.

You do?

I hate Cochrane so much.

I know.

I hate it too.

It's no place to live!

- There, I said it.

- What?

I thought you loved Cochrane.

I was trying to be positive, it's a...

coping technique.

- Let's move back.

- Seriously?

Yes.

You hate it.

I hate it.

I can hear you, and I also hate it.

(LAUGHS WRYLY)

But what about your job?

I'll find another one, and you can...

open your practice again.

(LAUGHS)

Are we-are we moving back?

We're movin' back, bitch!

We're moving back, bitch!

ALICE: We're movin' back, bitch!

Hey, don't say "bitch."

But yes, we're moving back, bitch!

We're moving back, bitch!

We're moving back!

(ANNE LAUGHS)

(PANTS PLAYFUL)

Guess what?

Ahhhh...

- We're moving back!

- (ALL LAUGH)

(LINE RINGS)

Hey, B, you up?

Oh man, I just had the greatest day.

We have such a special kid.

Yeah, he did the funniest thing.

I know!

Well, I was singing to him tonight, right,

putting him to sleep, and he just leaned over,

and he just cupped my face, and he gave me a whinny,

like a horse whinny.

And we have officially acquired Mo Daniels PR.

- (CORK POPS)

- Woo!

- (LAUGHS)

- Congratulations!

Oh yeah!

Oh, you picked up a cake for this?

Oh no, that's for Charlie's birthday party tomorrow.

Should we have a little slice?

- No.

- Oh.

Well, here's to treating Mo like a little bitch.

Okay!

Oh.

(PHONE BUZZES)

Hey, Sloane.

What's up?

SLOANE: (SLURRING)

My blood alcohol level.

I need you to come get me.

You realize I'm not an Uber, right?

(CAR RUMBLES)

Hey Sloane, I'm trying to find that address you texted me, but...

oh wait, never mind, there you are.

What the f*ck?

SLOANE: Come on.

Walk!

Our friend!

Look!

No, no, no, no, no.

Hey.

Hey-hey-hey!

- Get in Olivia, it's okay.

- (CAR DOORS SLAM)

- Sloane, who's this?

- Just drive.

- What?

- Go Kate, go!

- Hey, wait!

Stop!

- Oh!

Ah!

- Go!

Go!

Go!

Go!

Go!

Go!

Go!

- Okay!

Okay!

Okay!

Okay!

(TIRES SCREECH)

♪