05x10 - FACK

[bunniefuu]

(DOOR SHUTS, DEEP EXHALE)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

(SIGHS)

ANNE: Hey, Kate!

- Anne, no!

- (g*nsh*t POPS)

(GASPS)

(PANTING)

Oh sh*t.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Good morning.

SLOANE: It sure is!

You all set for today?

Sure am, and I got your gift, it uh, it set my head straight.

(CHARLIE MURMURS)

SLOANE: Oh, looks like someone chose a boat.

So all we need to do is keep a lid on that friend of yours.

- I will.

- Good.

See you at the cover reveal.

(CALL BEEPS OFF)

What are you doing?

♪ (DOOR LATCH CLICKS)

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

Oh God!

Hi, sorry, you uh, startled me.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, I'm, I'm selling chocolate.

Oh, you raising money for a team or something?

Yeah, yeah.

I could actually use some chocolate today.

I'll, I'll take two.

How much do I owe you?

Uh, seven.

No.

Three?

Wait, um...

I'll tell you what, I'm in a little bit of a rush, how about I give you five?

Good luck with your sports.

♪ So I think I'm gonna order pizza tonight, we can get started on unpacking some of those boxes

- before your Dad gets here?

- Cool.

Yeah, okay.

So you know where you're going?

Homeroom B.

Room .

Yeah, and just remember, it's your first day, so you know, you've got plenty of time to make friends.

Yeah, I've actually been messaging some of the girls in my homeroom.

They asked me if I wanted to hang out after school.

- Is that all right?

- Already?

That's pretty cool.

What are you guys gonna do?

- They said there's this bridge...

- Nope.

Can we just talk about it a little before you shut it down?

Nothing good has ever happened under a bridge.

What, are they like, smoking or something?

They're just like, cool private school girls just like, puffin' on ciggies, just so cool under a bridge, co...

- Are you done?

- Yes.

AMBER: There she is!

Whoa, Alice!

I love your outfit!

Where did you even get that skirt?

I mean, it's so cool!

LAUREN: Oh my God, this is so embarrassing!

No, like, we didn't plan this, or anything!

- Like, what are the chances?

- No!

Like, the tie and everything, girl, like, yeah!

AMBER: Wow!

(LAUGHS)

Those...

are those the bridge girls?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, this is totally fine.

Yes!

Yeah, just let me know when you want me to pick you up, okay?

Good luck.

- Hi, girls.

- Hi.

Just a couple of f*ckin' nerds.

(CHUCKLES)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

What?

Wiley?

Has, has Lionel not been by...

Anne, I'm sorry to have to do this over the phone...

but I have to let you go.

Oh, yeah, I mean, that makes sense.

I've been out of the office more than in.

We received a tip that you've been abusing prescription dr*gs while at work here.

I'm sure you can understand the spot I'm in.

And I'm afraid I have to report you.

- Ahem!

- Hi, what's up?

Oh, just checking in on my best friend.

- All good here, Rose.

- Great, great, cool.

- So everything's fine?

- Mm-hmm.

It's like, a really big day, so just checking in how you... are feeling.

- Just out with it, please.

- Okay, the book cover.

You're really going through with this?

- What choice do I have?

- Well, it's just that...

- It's done.

- (SIGHS)

RICHARD: Come on.

Bring it all in.

- The merger.

- Yeah, that was today.

Ah, and there she is, everyone say good morning

- to our benevolent leader!

- Good morning... boss.

Ah, hi.

Welcome, yes.

I, I do have to go, but uh, welcome!

- That's your big speech?

- Uh, no.

Uh, there's one coming.

Sorry, but uh, for now, uh, find a nook.

Godspeed!

Okay, well, you heard the lady.

Find a nook.

(STAFF CHATTERS)

(SHEETS RUSTLE)

Hi?

I have a surprise for you.

What is it?

Flowers?

Are we gonna rent paddle boats?

Paintball?

Look, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise.

You're so cute, but I have to get ready for work.

Nah, we're playing hooky today.

Oh, I can't!

Today is like, one of the five days a year that people actually need something from me.

Gary's gonna take care of your dumb report.

You're the one who makes us do those dumb reports.

And today I'm the one making Gary do it.

You are all mine.

(LIGHT CLAP)

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

You know, I'm actually gonna miss these local papers, there's a two-page article about a caribou who got stuck

- in a local's pool.

- Please shut up.

- I just got fired.

- Oh, good.

Well then, I don't have to quit for you.

It's Cheryl, she told Wiley that I've been abusing dr*gs at work.

I'm sorry, what?

I mean, how far is she gonna take this?

She could say anything.

I could lose my licence, Lionel!

I, I need you to go and talk to her like, now!

Uh...

okay.

Okay.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

- Hi...

I am here to put this insanity behind us.

I was thinking maybe the fruit could...

I'm not the one you need to talk to.

Bennett, I owe you an apology.

(NEWSPAPER RUSTLES)

You said some things the other day that got me...

pretty worked up, But what I did was completely...

inexcusable.

So, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I am so, so sorry.

Yeah, I'll, I'll accept your apology...

That's terrific.

...provided that you admit some things.

Okay.

First, that you have failed as a caregiver, your home and family are in disarray, and your manhood is a distant memory.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yes...

what you said.

No, I want you to say it.

Yes, Lionel, say it.

Okay.

Jesus.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I have uh...

huh!

I fail as a caregiver, and my home and my family are in disarray.

And your manhood is...

And my manhood is a distant, distant memory.

- Okay, this is great.

- Second, that your daughter, you try as you might to have raised a good one, is simply a bad apple.

A, a lost cause.

A brazen hussy!

- Gaaah!

(THUD)

- BENNETT AND CHERYL: Ohhh!

- Oh my God!

Aaah!

Aah!

- Oh my God!

Oh my God!

- I am so sorry!

- Mom!

- I did not...

no, no, I didn't...

- What is wrong with you?!

- It's just...

I didn't...

- Get away from my baby!

- All right, I am sorry!

- Get out!

- Go!

- Hey.

- Hey.

You look great, you ah, you ready for this?

Dude, what is going on?

You've given me like,

- zero information.

- Uh, this is just a, you know, it's for the executives, a rundown of the season's slate.

I'm talking about the cover of my book.

Because if she shows the one of Alice, I'm not going to stay quiet, you get that, right?

- I am gonna lose my sh*t.

- I know, I know.

- So?

Have you handled it?

- Ladies!

Welcome.

- Anne, you look great.

- Thanks.

Why don't you head on in, Kate and I will be right behind you.

Yeah.

- A moment?

- Oh, are we not uh...

Care to explain this?

_ - I can't.

- Then allow me, this is beloved cartoon character, Rat Rhonda.

Sloane, I swear, I've never seen this before.

Look, while you warned me it wasn't yours, you maybe could've mentioned that you'd stolen it from a comic strip that's been in syndication

- for about years.

- years?

Needless to say, with , copies of "Rat Girl" already in print, our legal team had some questions.

Oh my God!

Relax.

I took full responsibility for it.

- I don't know what to say.

- Say nothing.

We got each other's backs, remember?

♪ Which brings me to why we're all here today: Dr. Anne Carlson.

SLOANE: The book is skewing % female, high income, high education, conservative-leaning.

And you should see this cover.

It's gonna fly off shelves.

We're gaga for it.

Kate, show 'em.

Right...

the cover.

- No!

- Uh, Anne?

I just want you all to know that I am not on board

- with this image, shame on you.

- Okay.

Shame on all of you.

♪ (GASPS)

(SMALL LAUGH)

I'm sorry, what is this?

This is the cover.

Not sure what all the fuss is about.

You look fine.

Yeah, it's a sweet image.

But this is supposed to fly off the shelves?

There was another cover that we explored.

It's, it's more along the lines of what we want.

Kate, show them the other cover.

I'm not sure what the point would be.

(BOX RUSTLES, THUDS)

First shipment's already in.

This is the first batch of , copies already on their way.

, copies?

That's quite a gamble, Sloane.

Well, let's see if it sells.

I mean...

it's your funeral.

Is it?

You think that's funny?

To f*ck me like that?!

After I ate sh*t for you this morning?

After I gave you that cheque?!

You know what?

Fine.

You want it?

Hmm?

Here, take it.

In fact...

it's time I tried on some integrity for a change.

(OBJECTS CLATTER)

There you go.

I'm just, I'm just gonna need a few of these things, and then...

yeah.

Lipstick can be expensive.

Charger is great.

f*ck's sake!

Are you actually gonna try and pay your new staff in "integrity?!"

Just who do you think is gonna keep the lights on in your shitty little company?

Are you not f*ring me?

Oh, (LAUGHS)

you wish you were fired, you little f*ckin' Girl Scout, no!

No, I'm gonna enjoy watching you make this up to me.

Okay, Sloane, I, I know what I did was shady.

But the book is gonna be fine.

And that other cover was offensive.

And not the kind of parenting book I wanna keep on my nightstand, I'm speaking as a Mother here.

Oh, you're speaking as a Mother?!

Well, forgive me for not having a Mother's wisdom.

- Oh, you must feel so blessed.

- What is this, Sloane?

You know you can still have another kid.

(SCOFFS)

Yeah?

You see any free space on that calendar?!

You know, you could probably bump some of those meetings.

I can't!

Actually... you can.

♪ (TRAFFIC RUMBLES)

(SIGHS)

What happened to your purse?

Ah!

It wasn't my style.

- Here.

- Thank you!

Ohhh!

Hey...

That cover is so beautiful!

Oh!

I cried in the bathroom for five minutes.

Ohhh!

I'm so glad you like it.

I mean, you remembered everything!

Even the Helvetica font!

Well, it was a very elegant choice.

I take it Sloane did not know about that?

- No, she did not.

- What are you gonna do?

We are gonna celebrate that book!

Get in the car, I wanna show you something.

- What?

- Yeah.

f*ck me!

Hmm, it smells weird.

Uh, fro-yo?

No!

Yeah, no.

Uh, laser tag?

Ohhhhh!

Lemme see, lemme see!

Huh?

What the hell and f*ck is this?

Well, you know, I got worried when you said you'd been spotting, so...

surprise?

That's not a surprise.

They're supposed to be fun.

Well, I thought it'd be fun to say hello to the little guy, right?

How do you know it's a little guy?

Already bleeding?

Probably a girl.

Hey, ultrasounds are supposed to be a nice thing, Jenny.

I actually had to do work today.

No, you didn't.

- Well, don't we need to feed the meter?

- Fed it.

Well, I'm freezing.

So let's go.

Ah!

Here...

take my jacket.

Is there uh, something wrong, Jenny?

- No.

- Hmm.

No, I just, I just thought we were going to like, an escape room, or something.

(LAUGHS)

Well, good luck escaping this.

♪ Hey, so...

(CAR RUMBLES)

Here we are.

- (ENGINE SHUTS OFF)

- What?

What are we doing here?

Come on.

- Isn't she gorgeous?

- Oh, she sure is.

I can't believe my tenants get this place for another six months!

Seriously though, this is borderline cruel.

What are we doing here?

(HORN HONKS)

- Sorry I'm late!

- We all set?

- You bet!

- What's going on?

So, since the "SatisfyHer" didn't take...

I mean...

I had Frankie help me with another gift.

Frankie.

This better not be a butt plug.

(ALL LAUGH)

As much as we're sure you're loving that shitty apartment...

Wha-no!

What?

You got my house back?

We got rid of your stinkin' tenants.

It's yours.

- How?

- Oh, they were renting for the year while they look for their dream home, and Coyne Realty helped them find one sooner.

- She's yours again!

- It's yours.

Oh my God!

Thank you, thank you, thank...

- Oh, this is so...

- KATE AND FRANKIE: No, no, no!

- Right, no.

- They gotta move out.

Yeah, they're still living there, like,

- you don't have it quite yet.

- Right.

Oh yeah!

- Let 'em box their stuff up.

- Oh yeah.

Right, sure.

(GEL SQUIRTS)

(PHONE RINGS DISTANTLY)

- (NERVOUS LAUGH)

- (LAUGHS)

So the thing about Asian babies is they're really small, so you might not see it.

Is that true?

Does the ultrasound have a harder time reading Asian babies?

- No.

- Huh.

Actually, there's something I need to tell you about the pregnancy.

Oh, okay, well...

what is it, Jenny?

When I told you I was pregnant, I might have been...

Might have been...

And...

there it is.

Healthy little bean.

- What?!

- What?!

ANSWERING MACHINE: Next message.

WOMAN: Mr. Foster, this is Grace, from Heart and Stroke.

Just calling to confirm we received your generous donation.

As our way of saying thanks, please keep your eyes on your mailbox for a two-for one coupon to Mulligans.

NATHAN: Hey, there.

- Hey, surprise.

- (LAUGHS)

Sorry, are we making generous charitable donations without telling each other?

What was that?

Well, "In lieu of flowers," I...

Oh!

Marlene Podeski, of course.

Yes, I'm sorry her death continues to be

- an inconvenience for you.

- No, no, no, no, hey!

Please, come, sit.

This is meant to be...

an I'm sorry, because I am sorry.

I have been completely unsupportive through this process.

- Tell me about her.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- What do you wanna know?

Um...

like...

were her breasts better than mine?

(LAUGHS)

I mean, we were very young when we dated.

- Nathan!

- No, yours are better.

- Okay.

- I was just kidding.

Seriously, why'd you uh, why'd you guys break up?

Mm, she wanted kids, mainly.

Really?

You were so young!

That's what I kept telling her, but I don't know, she didn't see it that way.

Well, for my sake, I'm glad she didn't.

Me too.

(HORN HONKS, CARS RUMBLE)

Wow, I'd like to officially welcome all of our new team members, we're so excited to have you here with us.

Mm-hmm.

(CLAPS)

So, elephant in the room, I think many of you consider this takeover to be a hostile one.

And I guess in some ways that's true.

I want to be clear that this is not that kind of shop anymore.

- (ANNE AND KATE LAUGH)

- Okay, almost there!

KATE: There are gonna be some changes to the way we do things around here.

- Happy book launch!

- (ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHS)

KATE: I wanna double down on respect.

- (ALL LAUGHING)

- KATE: On kindness.

This is so nice, you guys!

KATE: Morality.

- Such a pretty cover.

- Thank you, I mean,

- you made it easy, right?

- Oh.

I have a hunch that if we do that, it won't be lost on our clients.

That we'll attract the right kind of business.

And it won't take long.

And this next glass is...

for Miss Rhoda, who got herself into art school!

- Holy sh*t!

- Really?

Is that based off of her original work?

Uh, so you read the paper.

Serves me right.

School's not gonna be the same without you.

- Mm-mm.

To your little artist!

- (GLASSES CLINK)

KATE: And while I will expect a lot from you, I also respect that you have lives outside this office.

♪ When everything feels all over ♪ ♪ Everybody seems unkind ♪

KATE: And that it's that balance... that is how I get the best version of each of you.

- Just stop!

- I, I just want one.

- I just want one!

- There's only so many!

Dude!

- (CELL PHONE BUZZES)

- Oh!

♪ Let my love open the door ♪

Hey, I've been waiting for an update.

Guess what?

Kate and Nathan surprised me with a party

- for the book.

- LIONEL: Uh, Anne?

Yeah?

I might have to stay in Cochrane just a little bit longer.

What?

Why?

I may have hit Bennett again.

Excuse me?

Cheryl is... pressing charges.

So I can't come home.

KATE: It's funny, for a while I thought we needed to be like sharks.

But now, I, I feel like we need to aim to be more like whales, you know?

Like, they don't have to prove anything.

They're gentle but strong, and whole oceans respect 'em.

I've seen 'em just open their, their mouths, you know, like in documentaries, and food just swims right in.

(RICHARD COUGHS)

But, yeah, look, what I'm trying to say is...

that my priority right now is fostering the right kind of environment.

The right kind of people.

♪ My love ♪

♪ When tragedy befalls you ♪

♪ Don't let it drag you down ♪

Hi, can I help you?

I um, I let, I let myself in.

- Sorry.

- Oh.

Uh...

it's okay, it's just that it's a private party, uh...

wait, didn't I buy chocolates from you?

Yeah.

Nathan Foster lives here, right?

Oh, do you...

do you know Nathan?

KATE: And while it's a strange time for sure, I want you to know that I've never felt more confident that my door is always open, and that I am ready for anything.

I think he's my Dad.

♪ ♪