01x01 - Jeff & Some Honor Killings

[scatting]

What the...

Guys!

Huh?

Everything okay, buddy?

Did one of you happen to use my towel again?

Oh, come on!

Why do you always have to blame us?

Uh, maybe it's because you're the ones with the oozing purple back sores!

Well, that's... Good point.

You need to respect my things, okay?

I mean, how would you like it if I just messed with your stuff all the time?

Huh? What's this here, huh?

[gasps]

I think I'll mess with it.

No, no, Jeff!

Oh, doesn't feel so nice, does it?

[overlapping shouting]

Universal peace is possible.

And the plans for it are all right here.

[all screaming]

[somber notes]

[drums beating]

Earth will pay!

[all cheering]

Whew, we got lucky.

That coulda hit my neighbor's car or something, and that...

There he is.

Huh?

The monster who murdered Zargon.

What's that?

This is an act of war.

Now you and all your human brothers will boil in a pool of liquefied flesh.

Whoa, what? Hey, that's crazy, all right?

I would never murder anyone, okay?

I'm a peaceful guy.

I was a vegetarian for two weeks.

He didn't mean it. What if he just said he was really, really, really, really, really, really sorry.

Hmm. I suppose a good, heartfelt apology could...

Oh, oh, I got it!

What if he killed one of his fellow humans as an act of goodwill?

What? No, no, no, no.

That doesn't makes sense. Shut up.

That makes perfect sense. Let's do that.

You seemed pretty into that apology thing, which could also be really cool.

No, this is much better.

You have one week to honor us with a precious human life...

Wait!

And thus save your people.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, please.

[sobbing] Ew.

Oops. That one was me.

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
♪ The Galactic Council sent them ♪
♪ And here's the reason why ♪
♪ Their mission is to study ♪
♪ Earth's most average guy ♪
♪ To see if humans are worth saving ♪
♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait... What?

Okay, Jeff, so with an Azurian honor killing, it's very important that you follow all the ancient traditions.

This is insane.

First, you're going to want to purify them with the Great Blessing, peppering a small amount of saliva from your mouth to their face three times.

You want me to spit on them?

Every species has their own name for the Great Blessing.

That's what's so cool about it.

Next, you will give them the Great Gift, bestowing upon them your sacramental hairs.

Those that have never been tainted by light.

So I'm gonna sprinkle my pubes on them too?

That's real classy, guys. Yeah.

They'll grow into the sacred cloaks they wear in the afterlife.

Oh, cool. Thanks for clarifying.

And you'll finish by saying the holy words.

all: "Gorumba, gorumba, gorong."

Look, I don't want to say those words, okay?

I-I don't want to do this.

Who the hell would I even kill?

[knocking]

Jeff!

Why are you always shouting?

Hi, Evgeny, I'm sorry...

[mimicking] You are loudest tenant I ever had.

Why you cannot be quiet like me?

I never even talk to nobody.

I have no friends. I have no family, no children.

I could literally disappear tomorrow... nobody would notice.

[ominous musical build-up]

You know why?

Because I'm considerate.

[breathing heavily]

[turn signal ticking]

Wha... hey, hey, hey! I was just about to park there.

What are you gonna do? Move my car?

You don't look strong enough to move my car.

You're gonna do nothin'. I can take one sniff at you and know that you ain't gonna do nothin'.

You couldn't do nothin'...

[growling softly]

[phone ringing]

[startles] Ah!

Hi, Dad.

Honey, on a scale from one to ten, how much do you like jazz?

Uh...

Because I just scored us some tickets to the Smokin' Tony Wilburs Jazz Festival.

Huh? Can you dig it, daddy-o?

Or should I say sonny-o? [chuckles]

Yeah, that's funny, Dad. Maybe some other time.

I'm just... I'm under a lot of pressure right now.

Ah. Work, huh?

Yeah, work.

It's been really demanding lately.

[panting]

48, 49, 50.

Yeah!

Jeff!

Dave just smashed your record at "Eskimo Nuts."

Jeff, I couldn't have done it without you as an example.

Guys, please, we've gone over this, all right?

It's called "Inuit Nuts."

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Jeff! Get in here.

Ah, dude, ask him if we can all get raises.

What's up, Nick?

[exhales deeply] Last night, I had a dream that you were an exotic French dancer, and you stole all my money.

Wow. I thought this was gonna be about the mop I broke last week...

I think it's 'cause you're such an incompetent manager, that I'm always worrying about you, and you're burrowed deep into my subconscious.

Uh, psychology is a pretty complicated...

Step it up, Jeff!

Ah!

You want me to lose my mind worrying about this business?

I need to see that killer spirit in you.

A good manager is willing to get blood on his hands and murder the problems before him.

[growling]

Just do it, Jeff!

Do it for the good of everyone!

Oh!

Hey, sorry, sir, can I clock out early today?

I need to go see my grandma. She's really sick.

She's basically a vegetable living in pain, but we're not legally allowed to pull the plug.

[ominous musical build-up]

It's heartbreaking.

That's fine.

Give me back my scissors.

Goddamn scissor thieves everywhere.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh.

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma, dude.

[sighs]

So, uh, where is she?

Like at a nursing home?

Like Hancock Gardens?

Uh, I think it's called Glen Oaks.

Glen Oaks! Yeah, I-I know where that is.

Cool, cool, yeah. It's a great place.

[owl hoots]

Ah...

We love you so much, Grandma.

[sobbing]

[labored breathing]

[leaves rustle]

[suspenseful music]

Just know that I do this with the deepest respect.

[spitting]

[softly] Ohh...

Gorumba, gorumba, gorong.

[grunting]

I'm sorry. Oh, God.

Forgive me.

[flatline tone]

[dramatic music]

[thudding]

Oh! Uh.

[click]

And tomorrow through Friday, we're looking at perfect, sunny skies.

I tell you, it's weeks like this you realize what a precious gift life is, Jim.

[groans]

♪ Just keep dancing ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't dance when you're dead ♪
♪ Yo, respect life, that's my motto ♪
♪ Respect your elders too, yo, respect them a lot-o ♪

Ah!

[groaning]

It's over.

[chuckles] What the hell is this?

It's my Azurian sacrifice. What do you mean?

[chuckles] Come on, Jeff.

This is a decrepit old woman.

Zargon was in the prime of his life.

He still had a full head of hair!

We can't show them this.

It would be incredibly insulting.

Insulting?

We all make goofs, buddy.

This morning...

[sobbing] What did I do?

I put my underwear on backwards... it was so silly.

At least your suffering is finally over. Ah!

Jeff, this is incredibly insulting.

What's happening? Is this hell?

What's she doing there?

You sent her soul to the slave camps of Azuria when you said the sacred words.

[chuckles] I thought it was obvious.

Slave camps?

Why is this thing so itchy?

This sickly old woman offering has enraged our people.

Now they're clamoring for war.

No, no, no. Please, please take me.

I'll be a slave, okay? No war. There's no need for war.

Jeff, no disrespect, but Zargon was strong and virile.

You're fat, riddled with precancerous melanomas, and greasy skin.

What?

Where are the melanomas?

If you want to avoid the slaughter of your people, you will offer us a healthy middle-aged specimen.

Have a good day, son.

[sighs]

Uh... did we say anything about dragging the body back to the house? We didn't, right?

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

You got quite the imagination, buddy.

[groaning]

[animal cries out]

[grunts] No!

[grunts]

[panting]

[engine turns]

♪ Well there ain't nothing sweeter ♪
♪ Than a grandma ♪
♪ Sitting on a porch drinkin' sweet peach tea ♪

No!

[click]

For now, all we know is that she's missing.

Aw, man.

But they're going to catch this idiot.

He left all kinds of spit and pubes at the crime scene.

Ugh.

This guy must be real sick in the head.

How do you know it was a he?

Huh? God, I am so sick of sexism.

I'm so sorry, dude. I gotta watch myself.

[grunting]

If you want to avoid the slaughter of your people, you will offer us a healthy middle-aged specimen.

I'm... so... healthy.

Can you believe I'm middle-aged?

I can't. Whoo!

[heavy breathing]

You can do this.

You have to do this.

The world depends on you.

[whistling]

[panting]

[grunting]

Huh? Ahh!

Oh, another leech who thinks he can mooch off the productivity of others.

Not today!

Oh, God! [grunting]

I've been training for this moment for the past ten years.

[both grunting]

Jiu jitsu!

[both grunting]

Muay Thai!

Capoeria!

[grunting]

No!

[grunting]

Ohhhhhhh!

Ooh!

Oh!

[gasping]

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

This is so [bleep] up.

[spitting]

[sobbing]


[festive music]

All right!

You did it, buddy.

You nailed it.

No, no. Stop it! Shut up!

all: Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!

Turn it off!

Bravo, Jeff.

This slave is both healthy and strong.

I think it's safe to say this has been a huge win for everyone.

Oh, it's over. [chuckles]

It's over.

[grunting]

You can chain my body, but you can't chain my soul.

Uh, that's actually exactly what we did.

[grunting]

Stop him!

[all grunting]

Oh, my God, he's kicking our asses.

Yeah, it looks like he's getting a great workout too.

[all grunting]

Father!

You were always a good boy.

No.

[coughs]

I want you to take good care of your mother.

No!

I... love...[groans]

No! Father!

[echoing]

[scatting]

[scatting/crying]

Wha...

Jeff!

You sent a trained assassin up here to kill my father?

Well, the deal's off.

No, wait.

That's not an assassin, man.

That's my boss, he just works out a lot.

It's true. What if Jeff could prove it?

I mean, he could show his pay stubs.

And you could see that the name of if the boss and Jeff...

Yes, yes, I can totally do that.

I'm not sure where they are, but I...

Or... or... or... or he could kill his father, thus restoring the balance.

No!

That's good. We'll do that.

You too will experience the deep suffering that I'm going through now.

No, goddamn it, Sammy! [sobbing]

I think you're just mad 'cause he keeps liking my ideas better.

[jazz music]

Hot socks!

Can that cat blow or what?

I mean, this is once in a lifetime stuff.

Yeah. He seems really good at jazz.

I still can't believe that your boss gave you the whole week off. This is fantastic.

Yeah. Uh, so, Dad, tell me.

Do you have any, like, secret family stories or old recipes or like...

What?

What kinds of things do you think would be on your bucket list?

Bucket list? Are you kidding, I'm only 63.

I've never felt better in my life.

But I mean, yeah, sure.

There's a couple of things I've always wanted to do.

♪ Morning has broken ♪

Whoa!

Ya-ha!

[laughing]

Hey, Dad, check it out!

_

Oh, Jeff. Oh, it's beautiful!

[laughing]

Ole, Daddy, ole!

[grunts]

Oh! Oh!

[muffled] Hey, hey!

♪ Praise for the singing ♪

_

I love you, Dad.

♪ Praise for the morning ♪
♪ Praise for the springing ♪

Well, it's been a little pricey, but this has been the best week of my life.

You have one week to honor us with a precious human life, or you and all your human brothers will boil in a pool of liquefied flesh.

[ominous chorus sings]

Ahh!

What are you thinking about, honey?

Just, uh, how much I love you.

Aw.

Oh, wow.

Ooh, look, a falcon!

[screeching]

I think it's a female.

Oh, yeah, how can you tell, Dad?

From the plumage.

[tense music]

Can you see the little yellow feathers on her breast?

[tense music rising]

♪ ♪

No, I can't!

Whoa, whoa, honey, there's no need to get upset.

It's a lot easier with the binoculars.

I just... I love you so much.

I know you do, you keep saying that.

You know, honey, before this week, I was lucky to get a phone call from you once a month, asking for my password to Hulu.

But now, look at us.

I mean, I don't know whether you're doing yoga or some kind of self-help, but, honey, it's working.

Because you've become the sweetest, gentlest...

Hands in the air, Mahoney!

Whoa!

What?

Is this about my taxes?

I claimed my living room as a home office.

I took a gamble. I rolled the dice.

You're under arrest for double homicide.

What?

[jail door slams]

You need to get me out of here or we're all gonna die.

You people just don't get it. I need to talk to the aliens.

I always get the goddamned meth heads, don't I?

I've got it! [laughs] I've got it!

Larry, I need you to do me a huge favor.

I need you to kill me.

I've been in here 14 years, and you're the craziest son of a bitch I ever met.

Here, you can choke me with these, okay?

Oh, yeah, and I need you to spit on me three times, then sprinkle some pubes on my face, and say, "Gorumba, gorumba, gorong," got it?

You stay the [bleep] away from me.

[dramatic music]

Hey! What the...

That's right.

You gonna do something about it?

Or are you just gonna stand there like a little bitch?

all: Oh!

I was new here once too.

I see what you're doing. Respect.

[grunts]

all: Oh!

I don't need your respect.

I already got your mom's respect when I was balls deep in her ass.

all: Oh!

You crossed a line, puto.

[both grunting]

Thank you.

[overlapping shouting]

Huh?

[spits]

Gorumba, gorumba, gorong.

[ethereal music]

[laser fire]

You green freaks are all gonna die!

[both screaming]

Does anybody have any idea what to do?

[ethereal music]

I do.

Jeff, you can stop him?

Sure, but here's how it's gonna go down.

First, we call off this whole "blow up the earth" thing.

Second, you send all the slaves back home.

And third, you give me a shirt that's not made out of pubes.

Hey, that sounds reasonable.

[maniacal laughter]

Hey, hey, buddy.

What the...

Welcome to another batshit crazy Jeff dream.

[chuckles] Of course. A dream.

You know dreams are all about symbols, right?

Okay.

And this mech is a symbol for that tough guy attitude of yours.

The real Nick is a fragile little boy, [whispers] and he needs to be loved.

Oh, God, it's true.

So what was the lobster dream about?

Uh, same thing, basically.

Lobsters have shells, hard exteriors.

Wow. Well, what about the one where you blew me in the hot tub in Aspen?

Uh, look man, we don't need to get into every dream you've ever had here, all right?

The point is, you should relax, and maybe give all your employees raises.

[all screaming]

[gasps]

Why am I so obsessed with Jeff?

[whimpers] But I'm scared.

Oh, it's okay, buddy.

It's just water. See?

It's not gonna hurt ya.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Gotta hand it to him, man, he was pretty tough.

But nobody survives a shanking from Jose.

[gasps]

all: Oh!

I mean, how inept can the police be?

Yeah. Pretty hard to be a murderer if your victims are all alive and well.

I'm telling you guys, the system is broken.

Jeez.

So, Dad, you down to hit Ragtime Fest next week?

Does Scott Joplin use a 2/4 time signature?

[chuckles] Well, you know, at the end of the day, this all worked out great for everyone.

So, where were you, Grandma?

I was in hell.

But instead of demons, there were aliens and they made me wear a horrible jacket made of pubic hair.

Once they get to this level of dementia, there's really nothing we can do.

48. Wow, man, 49.

Hey, friends.

[grunts]

You're all getting raises because I appreciate you.

Yeah!

Nice!

Oh, and I'm not going to be here anymore on Tuesdays and Fridays because I'm starting intensive therapy.

I-I believe something is terribly wrong with me.

Uh, okay, well, thanks for the raise, man.

Jeff, did you do something different with your hair?

Uh...

I like it.

Thank you.

♪ Water is so wet ♪
♪ Water is so wet ♪
♪ Have you ever seen a wetter thing than water? ♪

Huh.

[muffled] Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thanks so much for respecting the new towel rule, it means a lot.

[all gasping]

Jeff!

What is my butt brush doing in your mouth?

Your what brush?

Grossy grossers!

Ugh! God!

That means I've been getting your filthy mouth germs all over my butt.

Ugh.

How long has this been going on?

No! I'm the one that's upset.

This is my toothbrush.

No! This is your toothbrush, you [bleep] idiot.

Right where you left it, in the toothbrush cup.

Talk about disrespecting other people's stuff.

Ahh!

[knocking]

Jeff! Shut your fat mouth!

Cut.

Perfect sunny skies.

I tell you, it's weeks like this you realize what a precious gift life is, Jim.

Ugh.

♪ Just keep dancing ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't dance ♪

♪ When you're dead ♪

Ooh!

♪ Yo, respect life, that's my motto ♪
♪ Respect your elders too, yo ♪
♪ Respect them a lot-o ♪

Ugh.