01x02 - Jeff & Some Energy Trading

[sentimental music]

♪ ♪

Doesn't it just look like we're... we're meant to be together?

[sighs] Hey, Jeff, we, uh we have over 400 hours of you talking about Linda.

Is there anything else you want to talk about?

Yeah, okay, how about we talk about the loser she's dating now, huh?

I mean, look at this guy.

I just don't get it, I mean, what does he have that I don't?

I'm going crazy here. What am I missing?

Come on, Jeff.

Isn't it obvious?

Look... look closely.

He's rich!

Yeah, money is Earth's greatest aphrodisiac.

What? Where the hell did you come up with that idea?

I mean, Jesus Christ, Jeff.

Are you actually looking when you watch TV?

Love cannot exist without

[echoing] luxury.

Skinless billionaire Fred Grint renewed his vows today with his 25-year-old smoking hot wi...

Yeah, dating in your 20s is so fun, especially when you have a sick loft in the most expensive city in the world!

And we don't even have jobs!

[laughs]

You see, Jeff? There's a secret ideology hidden in everything on TV.

And if you pay close attention, you can...

Guys, guys, please. I'm trying to watch the show.

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
♪ The Galactic Council sent them ♪

all: ♪ And here's the reason why ♪

♪ Their mission is to study ♪
♪ Earth's most average guy ♪

all: ♪ To see if humans are worth saving ♪

♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait... what?

[mellow rock plays]

[phone chirping]

[gasps] Linda!

Hey, Jeff.

Oh, my God. How are you?

[sighs]

I just broke up with Chet.

What?

Uh... oh, no.

That's, uh, that's terrible news.

I've just been kind of lonely and I was hoping we could grab a bite some time.

I'm sorry, is that weird?

If by weird you mean the best thing I ever heard in my life, well, then yeah, it's cuckoo bananas!

[laughing] Jeff.

[gasps] Do you want to get dinner tonight?

Just something simple and, I don't know, it would just be so nice to hang out...

How about Shogu?

[dramatic chords]

I hear it's delicious.

Oh, my God, that sounds amazing!

Oh... isn't that place really expensive?

Linda, a girl like you deserves luxury.

[distant siren]

[neon buzzing]

How about this? This has to be worth something, right?

Uhh, this is a rusty frame, so no.

How about these? These... these are basically brand-new.

Look, pal, come on, there's a recycling center down the block.

[sighs]

Leave me alone with the boy.

In the Battle of the Ardennes, I was in a foxhole with a wounded man.

I stuffed his entrails back into his gut and saved him from certain death.

That man turned out to be the King of Sweden.

They named a waterfall after me and then... he gave me this box of coins.

[coughs]

[faintly] It's your... legacy.

[flatline tone]

[dramatic music]

Eh, I'll give you 30 bucks for it.

Yeah, okay, that seems fair.

Hi, just wondering, do you have free sides of white rice?

You do? Oh, thank you!

Okay, so if we just get two miso soups, one edamame, then we can fill up on as much wasabi, rice...

All right, buddy, drop the pantalones.

Every once in a while, we actually have to do our jobs around here, you know what I'm saying?

Let's get some bodily samples.

What? No! I don't have time for this right crap right now.

I'm budgeting!

[laughs] What's "budgtiting"?

You spoiled little alien brats!

You have any idea how hard I have to struggle just to make ends meet?

Then, if I want to do something special, I have to...

I don't get it... why wouldn't you just use an Energy Trader?

Well, I don't know what that is.

[low bass thrumming]

Basically, this little sucker right here just rearranges molecules to create anything you want in the universe.

Okay, let me get this straight, all right?

[scoffs] Just... you know, so I understand things here, all right?

You mean to tell me this thing can make anything?

Like, I don't know, let's say I wanted a... pffft... brand-new Porsche or...

[screaming]

Holy [bleep]! This is awesome!

You guys should give this thing a better name than Energy Trader.

I mean, y-you should call it the Magical Super Wonder Dream Machine!

[chuckling]

Well, Energy Trader's a little more accurate, 'cause that's what you just did.

Mm-hmm.

Huh?

You just traded five years of your life for this bad boy.

What?

[dramatic sting]

I'm not even into cars!

Oh, I think you'll like this one.

I got you the sport package.

Five years?

Okay, wow, well, that's a great detail to know.

Okay, this is still amazing. I just... I... I gotta be careful and stick to the essentials.

[energetic music]

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Oops.

Yeah!

[sustained] Yeeeeee-aahhhhh!

♪ ♪

[engine revs]

Bye, guys. Wish me luck tonight.

Oh, [bleep], it's a stick!

[gears grinding]

God damn it!

[grinding, squealing, revving]

Jeff?

Hey, there, I...

I set your butt warmer to four. I hope that's not too hot.

[dinner music playing]

[both chuckling]

Well, this time, we're going crème brulée...

Mmm. Jeff...

Then sorbet...

[giggles]

Then soufflé.

[laughs]

[imitates motor]

Yum! This is so fun!

When I was with Chet, we'd never eat dessert.

He was always too worried about losing his stupid six-pack.

Pffft! Men, huh?

Ha-ha. So tell me about that.

What happened?

[sighs] Honestly, in so many ways, he was the perfect guy.

He was handsome, funny, a generous lover.

Uh-huh, yeah, yeah, well, what's the bad part?

There were little things like he hated kids.

Once he held my sister's baby.

He acted like he was cradling a turd.

Wow. That's really sad.

I think men who are out of touch with their nurturing side, they're really missing out on one of life's great joys.

[clicks tongue] No, no, no, not so fast.

You're gonna get a tummy ache, okay?

I still can't believe they let you bring him in here.

Sawyer's a service animal.

I have papers.

You know, I don't know what it is about you, but you seem different.

Like, more mature.

Maybe that's 'cause every day I spent without you has felt like a hundred years.

[sighs] You know, this might sound totally insane, but would you ever consider giving us another try?

[bleep] yeah, I would!

Praise Jesus!

[crowd murmuring]

I mean, yeah, yeah, sure.

We could give it a try if you want to.

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait.

[giggles] I'm so excited!

And... now!

Ah! Oh, my God!

[singing upbeat Spanish song]

[groaning]

♪ ♪

Ah... I [bleep] love you!

[pained groans]

[singing continues]

♪ ♪

[laughing]

This is amazing!

What? What's Linda doing with this old creep?

She's rebounding, bro.

It's not gonna last, okay?

Class is in session.

Okay.

What you gotta do is just stay a presence in her life.

How? You know.

Like a photo.

Uh-huh.

Retweet her. You know.

Find out where she works out, get yourself a membership.

And let her know you're gonna be standing right there when she's done with this little game.

Brad!

You seriously give the best advice, bro.

[groans]

Yeah, it's a... ugh...

[moans]

[heavy breathing]

Oh, oh.

Why don't we take a little break, huh?

[sighs]

Break?

We just started.

I am so horny.

Hey, I'm just saying. Heh.

Let's mix it up a little, huh?

Wouldn't it be fun to take a nap for 15 to 20 minutes first?

[sighs]

[sighs]

Huh?

All right, that's it.

Jeff, I'm worried about you.

You look really awful.

Are... are those liver spots?

[ominous chords]

What? [chuckles]

No, no, yeah, right.

No, they're just, uh, big old freckles.

What the hell is going on?

Hey, hey, hey, guess what.

It's our half anniversary!

No, I don't want, no!

Let me go get your present.

No more presents!

Okay, listen up, I need something special to change the mood here, like a diamond ring or something.

Jeff, I... I don't know buddy. Don't you think...

Just do it!

Whoa!

Okay.


[bass thrumming]

[pained groaning]

[power-down hum]

[weakly] Thanks, guys.

[huffing]

Good news, baby.

[gasps]

Our 15 minutes is up.

[screams] Help!

Jeff, there's a creepy old man in the house!

What? No, no.

I'm Jeff. Look, look.

Remember the freckles, huh?

Whoa!

Just come here and kiss me.

[yelps]

Then you'll know it's me.

[screaming]

Oh. [guttural gasp]

Linda, don't go!

I love you!

[strained breaths]

Well, Mr. Mahoney, you're a textbook case for the importance of annual checkups.

So much of this could've been avoided.

The thrombosis, the melanomas, the polyps and tumors on your prostate.

[coughs]

Luckily, you got the best medical care there is.

[dramatic sting]

Oh, no.

Uhh...

[siren wailing]

There's only so much modern medicine can do, Mr. Mahoney.

I'd recommend you get your affairs in order as soon as possible.

Oh, God.

Also, just so you know, we do have payment plans.

You don't have to pay all at once.

Come on. We don't really need to see Jeff's bodily samples every single month, do we?

Without an accurate log of this human's development, your whole mission is pointless!

I mean, maybe you don't need your jobs.

[all gasp]

I need my job.

Without it, I have no identity!

As long as you get me those samples before the end of the month, you'll be okay.

You're lucky humans don't age that much in such a short period of time.

[dramatic chorus sings]

♪ ♪

[wheezes]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

[screams]

Jeff, we need to talk.

Jesus!

You guys could've just called me.

Shh, save your energy.

You could die at any second.

We've got to hurry up and get you your youth back.

My youth?

All right, all we got to do is pump the same value of the things you took out back into the machine.

What? I don't feel five years younger.

New cars lose half their value the second you drive them off the lot. Everybody knows that.

Plus the transmission was totally shot.

[upbeat music]

Countdown. Ten, and nine, and eight, ladies, and seven...

Linda!

[gasps]

Oh, my God, Chet.

Whoa!

You do Lady Barre too?

What are the odds? That's crazy.

How have you been?

Five, six... you're doing great!

[somber music]

♪ ♪

Oh.

♪ ♪

[grunts]

I'm gonna miss you most, Sawyer.

You were the little brother I never had.

[click]

[power up thrum]

Guys, what's the use? I'm still old as [bleep].

So I'm just picking through this guy's random junk, when suddenly I see these coins.

What the...

Did you have any idea that they would turn out to be the rarest, oldest, and most valuable coins ever discovered?

[Jeff groans]

Worth an estimated $13 million?

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Yeah, and the best part is, I only had to pay the guy 30 bucks for them!

Oh, my God!

[laughs]

Who was this idiot?

Eh, you know, he's just some punk kid.

But he's still young. He'll figure it out.

I still remember holding his guts in my hands.

I mean, do you really think I would sell my legacy for $30 to some greasy pawnshop owner?

Who you calling greasy?

They were stolen!

[courtroom murmurs]

[tap tap]

By the power vested in me by the state, I hereby grant you back your rightful property.

Shame on you, sir!

Swindling a 109-year-old war hero.

Ah.

All right, let's do this. Let's do this.

[groaning]

Oh... thank God I'm back.

I got to go find Linda and... [yelps]

[both gasp]

Uh, guys?

Huh. I guess we should've done some basic calculations first.

What the [bleep] is going on here?

Uhh...

[clanking, clattering]

[babbling]

Oh, okay, I see, I see.

We should've just pumped $6 million into the machine.

You mean Jeff could've kept $7 million?

Oh, my god, that would've been amazing!

[cries]

♪ Good night, little baby ♪
♪ It's time to go to sleep ♪
♪ Bah bah bah bah bum ♪
♪ Sweet little baby ♪
♪ And don't you make a peep ♪
♪ Bah bah bah bah bum ♪

Hello, Jeff?

[all gasp]

I just came by to get my stuff and...

[dramatic sting]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh, my God, little angel.

Who are you?

[humming]

Don't worry. You're safe now.

That's right, bro. We're here for you.

And we're not going anywhere.

[cries]

I don't understand where Jeff could be or what's happening.

I mean, Linda, look at the facts.

He's aging fast, losing hair, suddenly flush with cash.

It's crystal meth, baby!

[gags]

Ah!

It's okay, it's okay.

Poor guy's probably going through withdrawal.

This is so awful. What do we do?

What he needs is some stability and love.

And we're gonna give it to give it to him.

[sighs]

[singing and laughing]

[crying]

♪ ♪

[crying]

Oh, uh, oops.

Uh!

[chuckles]

[crying]

Here's what you got to do, bro.

Take her on a hike to Rainbow Falls.

Chicks love hikes.

Uh-huh.

Then, put the ring at the end of a fishing line.

Don't let her see.

Yeah.

That's when tell you her you're gonna get her the ultimate catch.

Okay.

Then reel it in, look her in the eye, and say,

"the ultimate catch is me."

Boom, got yourself a fiancée.

Brad, you seriously give the best advice, bro!

No!

Ah!

[chomps]

No!

Cough it up you stupid baby!

Ah!

[yelling]

[muffled shouting]

Oh, great. Now he's stuck at daycare.

How are we supposed to get Jeff's bodily samples in time now?

Oh, God.

Oh well.

I guess I can always fall back on my massage training.

Yeah, and I've got my uncle's scrap metal business I can always go back to.

This job defines me!

No, Jimmy!

Huh?

[yelling]

[whimpering]

[babies crying]

Gotcha!

[power up thrumming]

All right, baby Jeff.

Just think of some stuff you want.

Looks like Jeff really developed a taste for baby food.

Uhh...

[gasps]

[bottles clatter]

Who are you?

I'm... Andy.

[cries]

Oopsies.

[babies crying]

Gosh, I've never seen them this worked up.

Don't worry.

A little nap time will calm them right down.

Sweet dreams, little angels.

[yelps] Where are you?

There you are!

All right! Our main man is back!

Oh, thank gosh. Let's get your samples so none of us lose our jobs here, okay?

No, you're not touching me. Get away!

I gotta get Linda back. Ah!

[babbling]

Who the hell is that?

I'm Andy! [chuckling]

Huh?

Oh! I feel a nibble.

I think I may have just gotten you the ultimate catch.

Linda!

Oh! [grunts]

Uhh...

[gasps]

Ah!

Jeff!

Easy, man.

We don't have any drugs here, okay?

Listen pal, the only high I'm interested in is the rush of endorphins and dopamine I get every time I hang out with Linda.

Did that makes sense?

Where the hell have you been?

And why was there a baby at your house?

Uh, that was little Randy. Yeah, uh.

I'm doing a... an avant-garde baby calendar shoot at my house.

It... it was supposed to be a surprise, but whatever.

[nervous chuckle]

Still, thank you for being so caring and sweet as you always are.

I wish I could say the same thing for you, Chet.

Huh?

By the way.

I'm so glad you splurged on this fancy baby monitor that records.

You stupid baby!

Uh...

Oh, my God! Chet?

That's out of context.

Just get out of here!

You disgust me!

Oh, I'm sorry Linda. [stifled crying]

You should go too, Jeff.

I just...

Wait.

I just want to say something.

I'm a stupid, stupid idiot.

I had you, the most wonderful woman in the world, and I threw it all away trying to impress you with heated floors and Danish furniture and an endangered species of iguana who also happens to be my best friend and I miss him very much.

God, I miss him so much.

Aw.

And yes, I was battling a freaky old-man disease, which was cured, but still, that's no excuse for making the biggest mistake of my life: losing you.

Look, Jeff, I just need some time.

But you haven't lost me.

We can still be friends.

Okay.

Like, shower s*x friends?

[screaming]

[sighs] Well.

Lesson learned.

I'm definitely never gonna trade my life energy in for anything ever again.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, time for work.

I'll see you guys in 12 hours.

[somber chorus singing]

♪ ♪

Cut.