01x03 - Jeff & Some Preteen Girls

[flute and bongos playing]

[vocalizing]

[chuckles]

Wow!

You are getting nasty.

I'd hate to be the kid following you at that talent show.

They're gonna be scarred for life. [bongos flourish]

Actually, Uncle Jeff, I'm not doing the talent show this year.

I'm quitting the flute.

What are you talking about?

I've got to start focusing on my brand and being hot.

That's really hard work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I ought to wash your [bleep] mouth out with soap, talking like that. You have real talent.

You don't need to...

Sorry, Uncle Jeff.

The flute was a really fun part of my childhood, but my childhood is over.

[phone buzzing, ringtone playing]

♪ One dick is never enough, I want ♪

Whoa.

♪ Two dicks right in the... ♪

[beep]

Hello?

Holy [bleep], what?

I got to go. My Uber's here.

Julie, wait, what we've been doing in there is nothing to be ashamed of.

[gasps]

It's a beautiful thing.

Look, Jeff, I'm 13.

You can't make me do things I don't want to do.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

No, wait, Julie, no, no. Oh.

Jeff, in my country, we say, a man should not pick green peaches.

Okay. Well, uh, good to know.

See you later.

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
♪ The Galactic Council sent them ♪

all: ♪ And here's the reason why ♪

♪ Their mission is to study ♪
♪ Earth's most average guy ♪

all: ♪ To see if humans are worth saving ♪
♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait, what?

This sucks.

What the hell is happening to my niece?

In our research, we found that humans go through a period of change right around the age of puberty.

Wow. You guys are really doing some groundbreaking work here, aren't ya?

First, they start being rude and sarcastic.

Then they try to fit in by giving up the very quirks and interests that make them who they are.

Next thing you know, they're all just dreamless husks, stumbling blind toward the grave like a bunch of sad, lonely ghosts.

Jesus!

Look what would've happened to your favorite cultural heroes if they'd given up on their dreams.

You ever heard of Drizzy Drake?

We started from the bottom.

Now we're here.

Which is very alarming, I might add.

Oh, God, not the 6 Man.

There's more.

♪ Hello? ♪

Hi, yes, um, I'm calling to see if you're satisfied with your current auto insurance policy...

Jesus, turn that off. Come on, stop it.

You know, I used to have a dream too.

Heh, it might sound silly, but I wanted to be a professional bongo player.

That doesn't sound silly at all.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like if I'd just stuck with it.

I had a feeling you might be curious about that.

Always like to be prepared.

[device zaps]

[bongos playing]

[crowd cheering]

Arigato, Kyoto!

[chanting] Jeff! Jeff!

Here!

No, no, no. Not tonight, ladies.

I'm sorry. I just can't have an orgy every single night.

all: Aww.

Oh, all right.

all: Yay.

The next eight hours get pretty filthy.

Okay, well, there is no way I can let Julie make the same mistake I did.

But I don't know how in the hell I'm supposed to get through to her.

Yeah, it's nearly impossible to have any influence on a preteen girl these days.

Unless you're one of her besties, a celebrity, or even a frenemy.

How do you guys know so much about preteen girls?

We keep one in the basement.

What?

Meet Sasha.

Oh, my God, you killed a child!

Oh, no. Oh, I've got to call the cops...

Jeff, relax.

Call the cops...

It's a robot.

Oh...

You see, Jeff, our original mission was to study the most complex social creature on your entire planet, tween girls.

But ultimately we had to find a subject that was more simplistic...

both: Oblivious, easily impressed...

Wow, a robot! This is awesome.

Whoa, okay. All right.

Well, all we got to do is get her in the same room as Julie and boom... they'll be besties in no time.

And then we'll convince her to keep playing the flute and follow her dreams.

I mean, this plan couldn't be any simpler.

Mm, this shepherd's pie is great.

Those shepherds, they really had it figured out, huh?

Jeff, I still don't fully understand.

Who is this girl?

Look, it's pretty simple.

Her dad is a buddy of mine.

You know, he's a... a local minor league football player.

And he has a bunch of away games in a row, so he just asked me to keep an eye on Sasha while he's out of...

Wait, he plays for the Tigersharks?

Uh, yeah, but that... that's not the point.

Holy [bleep]! Who is he?

Please tell me it's Tyrese Marshall.

What? N-no, no, no, uh.

He's new there, and, like, third-string wide receiver or something. Anywa...

Carl Lingus! Your dad is Carl Lingus?

Look, you're getting hung up on the wrong details, okay?

The point is, Sasha is really cool and maybe her and Julie could be friends.

Hey.

Hi, are you on social media?

Because I'm on all the most popular platforms, including LinkedIn and Badoo.

Uhh...

Hey, Sasha, that's not how cool people talk.

Okay, sorry, sorry. Uh.

Do you want to talk about hair?

Sure.

Well, I'm very excited because I recently grew pubic hair.

Ew!

It's a natural cushion against friction and protection from bacteria and other unwanted pathogens.

[laughs]

As you can see, she's really smart.

What the hell was that?

We tried to tell you, Jeff.

Girls are an exquisite mystery that can't be unlocked.

No, no, no, no, no, that's not the problem here, okay?

I'm just gonna have to pilot this teenage girl robot myself, like any good uncle would do.

It's pretty... uh... small.

[groans] This is... gonna be a tight squeeze... ooh.

[muffled] Okay, I'm inside of her now.

Oh, this feels amazing!

Oh, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

[children clamoring]

It's only $2,000.

Oh, my God.

But my dad won't buy it. He's being such a little bitch.

He makes, like, twice that every month.

Hey, Julie! Over here.

There you are. Hey!

What?

[gasps] Oh, God; hide me.

[panting] Hey.

[panting]

Sorry about last night.

I know I was acting a little weird.

[chuckles] I was on my period.

You guys know how that is, right?

What?

Who the [bleep] are you?

I'm Sasha.

Just a cool normal girl like you guys into pretty much all the same stuff.

Like... Jezebel.

Huge fan. I love that she's, uh, known for reinventing her style and using overtly sexual themes.

"Jezebel has been described as the voice of a generation.

"In 2014, 'v*g1n* Monologues' author, Eve Ensler, stated that the singer was brave and fearless and..."

Huh.

Oh, whoa, check this out.

Did you guys know that Eve Ensler is a Nichiren Buddhist?

[chuckles] Anyway, you guys thinking of doing that talent show this week or what?

Oh, my God, I am so sorry, guys.

This is my Uncle Jeff's weird friend.

The old fat guy with the bongos?

[laughs]

Hey!

You shouldn't talk about people that way because you could hurt their feelings.

Some people are really self-conscious about the way they look.

You know, they're really sensitive, you know?

I mean, not me because I have thick skin, but...

You have thick skin?

So I can go ahead and tell you that I can see your disgusting pepperoni nipples...

[gasps]

And they make me want to puke.

I was thinking the same thing.

[laughter]

[weeping]

There, there, buddy.

Oh, buddy.

I'm never going back. I hate Julie!

I hate her, and I hate, hate, hate her friends.

They're just jealous.

Shut up.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, hi. I have a daughter who's getting teased a little at school, heh.

Nothing major, I just, uh, I was just wondering if you could help me get her a snazzy new look?

Sure, yeah, no problem. What do you have in...

Oh, and we've got to make sure they really cover her nipples well because, apparently, they look like pepperoni, and I guess that's not good.

[pop music plays]

♪ We're gonna shop shop shop ♪
♪ Till we drop drop drop ♪
♪ And then we're gonna [bleep] some guys ♪
♪ We'll wear our fancy new tops ♪
♪ While we suck their [bleep] ♪
♪ And then they'll shoot it all over our eyes ♪

[beeps]

♪ 'Cause nothing feels better than being a hottie ♪
♪ With a hot, juicy body and a credit card ♪
♪ We love glitter that sparkles ♪
♪ Designer belt buckles ♪
♪ Gossip and chuckles ♪
♪ And [bleep] that are hard ♪

Ooh, yeah, this sparkly little number with these shorts.

Oh, that is so adorable...

[phone beeps]

And... oh, [bleep].

Guys, I completely forgot about work.

I'm supposed to be there in 20 minutes.

What am I gonna do?

Go to work.

It's fine. I'll pilot Sasha.

No, no, no, no, no, there's got to be another solution.

Maybe I can call in sick.

You guys could fake a doctor's note, right?

Wait, but I just... said that...

We could use the Jeff we have in the basement.

The what?

Ta-da!

What? [scoffs] This is ridiculous.

Nobody's gonna believe this fat slob is me.

But, you know, I guess it'll have to do since we're in a time crunch.

Okay, so I'll just hop right back in there and...

Okay, look, man, I was trying to say it without saying it, but maybe robots aren't your thing, you know?

You're good at other stuff.

You think so? Like what?

You know, you got a... a deep voice. Sexy.

Oh, oh, okay.

Sammy, I know you can do this.

And look, I know you like to kind of boss everybody around all the time, but that's not me, okay?

My management philosophy's more like "I don't really care that much," all right?

Jeff, come on, don't worry.

You can trust me. I'm not like these idiots.

Hey, why do you guys have this thing anyway?

both: Uhh...

[grunting]

That's right, Let it out!

Stupid Jeff!

Yeah.

Never gives me a chance.

Never takes the time to listen.

Ooh, oh, yeah.

Actually, Jeff, I'm really glad you asked.

You see, it's a therapy bot...

I... I don't have time for this, okay?

I got way too much important stuff on my plate.

Which reminds me, what do you guys think?

Berry Nice or Sunday Funday?

Ooh, I really like Berry Nice.

No, I think Sunday Funday is more me.

Why does he even ask?

My sister's 23 and has of all of these disgusting wrinkles when she smiles.

both: Ew.

Lets make a pact to kill ourselves before we ever get that old.

I already know a good bridge.

[gasps]

What the...


[mellow rock music]

♪ ♪

Sasha?

Oh, hey.

I'm surprised you recognized me with my hot new look.

You're right.

You look like a totally different loser.

[both laugh]

What?

But I thought that...

Oh, you know what? I give up.

I just wasted $5,000 trying to impress you guys.

I mean, I could've bought two really good cars for that money!

You know what the problem is?

There's no way to get through to you people because you don't care about... oh!

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

It's Jesse!

Sorry, my ball hit you in the face.

Yeah, watch where you're throwing that thing, buddy.

Oh, my God, you're so lucky.

I'd kill to have Jesse's ball touch my face.

I want both of his balls right in my mouth so I can suck 'em like jawbreakers.

[imitating] Ah-la-la-la.

[laughter]

Yeah.

Ha-ha, very good, ha-ha.

So this Jesse guy is a pretty desirable fellow, huh?

You'd probably do something if he thought it was cool, right?

Yeah.

Deffo.

Obvi.

Good to know. [chuckles]

That was a "yes," right?

Dude, check it out.

That lady looks exactly like Dave Grohl.

Oh, yeah, like when he was in that band before the Foo Fighters.

Is that how you mop? You got to be kidding me.

You got to use a full figure-eight motion.

Like this, see?

But make sure the mop head doesn't splash against the baseboard, you idiot!

Oh, okay.

Sorry, Jeff.

But, uh, hey, I don't really care because I'm a relaxed guy.

Oh, come on. What are you doing?

I was making a smoothie.

Look, all the fruit is stuck on the top.

You've got to take the cover off and pack it down like this.

[screams]

Ah, no... no!

See? That's how you make a smoothie.

[both panting]

And hey, would it kill you to crack a smile every once in a while? Jesus Christ!

[laughs]

I had it all wrong.

I was focusing on the little girls this whole time, but it's the little boys I should really be going after.

[muffled] They're so much easier.

My God.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

What are these? These are sexy.

Oh, how'd it go? Did everything go all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no, nothing really to report.

Uh, you know, I just kind of hung around and said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell is that?

One leather glove? Do you want people to think I'm the biggest tool in the world? You're done. Get out.

Uh, okay, okay, okay.

Get out!

Just take it easy...

Give me that.

Hey, Jimmy, how'd you like a chance to shine, buddy?

Absolutely.

I think this could be great for our relationship, Jeff, to be able to see the world through your eyes...

No, no, no, no, don't overthink it, okay?

Just keep to yourself and be quiet.

[grunts]

[school bell rings]

What would you rather have: ripped abs or swole traps?

Dude, that's such a good question.

Hey, Jesse, you like knives?

'Cause this one's illegal.

Whoa!

I made you a little care package.

Couple goodies, whatever.

Whoa.

It's like Internet p0rn but in thin book form.

Oh, she's a keeper.

What are you doing after school?

I know a junkyard where we can shoot out a bunch of old windshields.

Awesome.

That dirty bitch.

[upbeat rock music]

Whoo!

Yeah... ooh! [bone cracks]

Whoa!

I'm okay.

[grunting]

♪ ♪

I had no idea girls could do that.

[spraying] _

♪ ♪

Oh! Check out these boobs.

You know, you're not like other girls.

[giggles] I'm not?

What do you mean?

Come here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hands off, buddy!

I'm not a piece of meat, all right?

What are you doing?

[stammering]

We're having a nice day looking at p0rn mags, and then you got to do that.

I'm sorry.

I... I thought you wanted... ugh. Girls are so complicated.

Hey, it's okay. I'm sorry.

I just... I feel like I barely know you.

You know, tell me about yourself.

Do you have any hidden talents?

Like, do you play an instrument?

I mean, I used to play xylophone, but that was super lame.

Well, I...

Think that sounds really hot.

You... you do?

Yeah, I'm super turned on by guys who have secret sexy skills.

Have you thought about signing up for the talent show tomorrow, by the way?

Yeah, right.

That's for [bleep] nerds.

I'm just saying, if you did enter it, I'm pretty sure I'd suck your [bleep].

Where are the talent show...

Oh...

Sign-up sheets?

Take it easy, now.

Answer me!

[both whimpering]

And then his hand went into the blender, and...

He's insane, man!

It started shaking.

Guys, that'll be all. Thank you.

I can still smell his flesh.

I knew I should've gotten workers' comp insurance.

Jeff! How... how's your hand?

[deep breaths]

You sure there's nothing you want to talk about?

[deep breaths] Actually, yeah, okay.

There's a lot I want to get off my chest.

Do you think that I, Jeff, can be incredibly insensitive and unreasonable?

'Cause I do!

There's no need to threaten me here.

How about I give you $5,000, and we put this whole thing behind us?

What do you think?

I just think I can be a little vindictive sometimes, and I take advantage of the people I know.

Have you ever noticed that?

20,000! Cash.

Are you happy now?

Yes, sir, I am.

Thank you for listening to me.

[applause]

♪ Something's coming, it's gonna be great ♪
♪ I'm so excited I just can't wait ♪
♪ Will it happen in the woods? ♪
♪ Or in the bathroom? ♪
♪ Wherever it happens, I'll be like... ♪

[percussive solo]

[cheers and applause]

You know, I've been trying to motivate that kid for two years. Now look at him.

He's motivating the entire school.

I don't know what's going on here, but it's incredible.

Hey, come on. You're not the only one who wants to showcase their talents here.

I don't know, should I?

Do it, do it.

Uhh.

Heh.

Yes.

What did you think, babe?

Did you pick up on the subtext?

Yeah, yeah. Great stuff.

I'm super turned on.

[whispers] Let's talk about it after the show.

Next up, Julie Maplethorp!

[applause]

Um, I... I...

[sinister music]

I... I'm sorry. This was a mistake.

Oh, my God, I can't watch this.

I don't even... I'm... I'm sorry.

Oh, [bleep], she's choking.

Bro, she's got, like, no stage presence.

[bongos playing]

[vocalizing]

Psst, hey, you got this.

[clears throat]

Okay, um, this song is called, "One Flute Is Never Enough."

[jaunty notes]

♪ ♪

[flutes harmonizing]

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Dude, this is giving me emotional reactions.

Sweet.

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much!

Whoo! Yeah, oh, my God, yes.

That was awesome.

That's what I'm talking about, baby!

Thank you, Sasha.

I don't understand, though. Why did you help me?

Because I care about you, Julie.

Just know that in this life, you'll have forces pulling you in every direction.

But you have to remember that there's nothing more important than... my balls!

Oh, goddamn it. Let me go! Let me go, please!

Who the hell are you? Oh!

Oh, my balls! What the hell?

[crowd commotion]

[crowd screaming]

No!

Who are you?!

Is this some kind of child molester virtual reality so you can practice?

You are a bad man, Jeff.

Evgeny, is that you?

Huh?

No, no, no. I'm another Ukrainian.

Don't be racist.

I'm telling you, you have the wrong guy.

[Ukrainian swear] Forgot my balls knife.

Balls knife? What... what do you need a balls knife for?

Wait, wait, wait!

[muttering in Ukrainian]

Ah, silly me.

[singing in Ukrainian]

Huh?

[grunts]

Don't fight it.

It will be painful, but it is for your own good.

It's okay. I feel great.

I finally got to express myself.

Well, you won't be expressing yourself anymore.

[grunts]

That's where those belong.

[struggling]

What happened to you?

What happened to you?

[people crying]

[flute playing somber music]

♪ ♪

I can't believe that Carl Lingus didn't even come to his own daughter's funeral.

I just lost a lot of respect for that guy.

Yeah, it's sad, but once again, you're focusing on all the wrong details, okay?

The important thing is Julie's playing the flute again.

Look at her; doesn't she look beautiful up there?

Yeah, Julie, [bleep] do it!

[sighs]

[knocking]

Okay, Jeff, here's the deal.

Oh, no, look, look, whatever happened in the last few days, I just want you to know I wasn't being myself, and...

I had to borrow some money from my ex-wife, but it's all here.

Whoa, whoa.

[chuckles] Wait, what happened?

Shh. We'll never speak of this again.

Wha...

Okay!

Howdy, sir, do you have any interest in buying some cookies?

What? No, no, no.

'Cause I have...

I hate Girl Scout cookies, all right?

I am done with all you little girls.

Here, here's $100...

Huh?

To never come back here again. All right?

[chuckles] It appears a scorpion without a stinger becomes a harmless beetle.

Nice! That means you'll be able to pay off all that credit card debt.

Oh, no. I got a much better plan.

[flute playing with hip-hop music]

♪ Follow your dreams ♪
♪ Follow your dreams rip your pants at the seams ♪
♪ When you follow your dreams ♪

[speaking Japanese]

Cut.