01x06 - Jeff & Some Confidence

Hey, guys, it's Friday.

Did you remember to charge my vape?

'Cause we're gonna get fu... ah!

Ah! Jeff! You're home early.

Whoa, what are you doing to these poor guys?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I'm just rearranging a few of their memories.

It's... it's for their mental health.

[gasping]

O... kay.

And they know you're doing this?

Know about it? They... they practically begged me to do it.

[beeping]

It's so weird, Ted.

I've fallen behind on my payments.

I have no idea how this could've ha... [gasps]

Oh, my gosh! Sammy!

Are you wiring money from my account into...

No, no, no, no, no. That's not at all what's happening.

Here, look at this.

Okay, now let's reformat this a little bit.

[beeping, zapping]

It's so weird, Ted.

I've fallen behind on my payments.

I have no idea how this could've ha...

Oh, my gosh! Sammy!

You baked pumpkin muffins?

That's right. Because you guys are my best friends, and you deserve to be spoiled.

both: Aww.

[beeping]

Hey, uh, you never used that memory changing thing on me, have you?

No. Why do you... why are you asking?

Okay, good.

[thud]

Huh? Birdseed?

What the hell is this doing here?

I...

You know, that's funny. I've always loved birds.

I mean, maybe this is a sign.

Maybe I should get one. What do you think?

No, no, no, no, definitely not, okay?

I hate birds, they smell, they squawk, and... and once you get one, you're gonna get attached.

You're not gonna want to get rid of it.

I-I think it's a bad idea.

Okay, fine, jeez.

I won't get a bird.

[phone vibrates]

What? That's weird.

I just got a comment on a video I don't even remember posting.

Can you say I love you?

I love you, Jeff.

[chuckles]

Huh?

[playing bongos] Ha-ha. Look... look, he's dancing.

[grunting]

[mellow song plays]

[laughing] Oh, it tickles. It tickles.

I had a pet bird? And you killed him.

Didn't ya? Didn't ya?

[zapping]

[beeping, zapping]

So, well, anyways, like I was saying, thank you so much for making me those pumpkin muffins.

They. Were. Delicious!

♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
♪ The Galactic Council sent them ♪
♪ And here's the reason why ♪
♪ Their mission is to study ♪
♪ Earth's most average guy ♪

♪ To see if humans are worth saving ♪
♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait... What?

♪ Looking back, all the things I couldn't see ♪

That brings back memories.

♪ Lookin' back ♪

[gasps] The stove!

Guys, uh, how much longer is this slideshow?

Maybe there was a miscommunication.

I-I thought I was coming over for dinner, and I'm actually really hungry right now.

We're honoring this house, Jeff.

Because very soon, we're gonna have to say good-bye to her.

What? Wait, why? What's happening?

Greedy corporate fat cats.

They're buying up the neighborhood, but we wouldn't sell.

So they hit us with a bunch of bogus zoning violations.

Maybe I can help. How much are the fines?

$75,000.

And if we don't pay this month, they're kicking us out. [sobbing]

Oh, honey.

Don't worry, guys.

I have a plan.

I'm sorry, sir.

With your income, there's absolutely no way we could give you a loan.

Okay, let me get this straight.

I have to already have money to borrow money?

What kind of sense does that make?

Sir, I don't make the rules.

Okay, well, I have a new plan.

A raise? [chuckles] Yeah, right.

Come on, man, you didn't even really hear me out.

I'm telling you I have all kinds of cool ideas that could be really profitable...

Ideas, huh? What kind of ideas?

Okay, how about this? The "super smoothie."

Okay, I'm listening. What is it?

I don't... totally know yet.

All I have is the name so far, but it's good, right?

You weren't, by any chance, high when you came up with this idea, were you?

I may have been.

[exhales sharply] All right, Jeff.

I got a lot of stuff I gotta do and, uh...

Savory smoothies. Uh, that's an idea that could maybe work. Maybe not. I don't know.

It's just a thing...

[sighs] Oh, Jeff.

Don't ya see?

You need so much more than a raise.

You need to be transformed. You need to be inspired.

You need to be rebuilt from scratch.

And I'm gonna take you to the one man that can make that happen.

choir: ♪ Ah ♪

So this is instead of the raise?

Cool. Cool.

[lively music]

Yeah! All right!

Impossible can what?

all: Suck my balls!

Thank you! Thank you!

You know how I know you people are smart?

Because you paid $500 to hear me talk.

[cheers and applause]

I am the world's greatest public speaker.

Come on! You believed that, right?

It's because I said it with confidence.

With confidence, you can bend the world to your will.

It's how I've dominated real estate, stocks, sports, and women.

I mean, you should have seen this broad I was with last night.

Let's just say she was a-dynomite!

Ga ga ga ga!

[chuckles]

Um, what does this have to do with making smoothies again?

Shh.

You're not gonna learn anything if you're always talking.

The story you tell yourself of who you are, that's who you become.

So if you tell yourself you're a loser and you get cancer, well, folks, that's on you.

But if you tell yourself you're a winner, like I do a thousand times a day, then you just watch as all the insecure and pathetic losers of the world begin to bow at your feet like dogs.

[all howling and cheering]

[barking]

And I'll take two of the Zarzonian jackets.

You know the ones with the little fringes?

Yes, yes, exactly.

Sammy, I need your help.

Bruce Starr made it all so clear.

You can't get ahead in this world unless you believe you're a winner.

And if I'm gonna help my parents, you gotta break out that memory changer and swap out all my loser memories with...

Wait, you have a memory mach...

[zapping]

Hey, uh, try to keep your voice down around these guys, okay?

Wait, this is safe, right?

Don't worry. You're in good hands, Jeff.

I've become a real artist with this thing.

[zapping, beeping]

They said they'd be here. [crying]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

[beeping]

♪ Welcome to Jeff's birthday, we got fun and games ♪

I've got to tell you, Jeff...

♪ Pin the tail on the donkey ♪

This is the best party I've ever been to.

Thanks, Hef.

[zapping]

Gross! Wart cream? [laughing] What a loser!

[zapping]

Whoa!

An Oscar for Best Supporting Actor?

That's awesome!

I mean, really, it should have been, like, Best Lead.

But, you know... politics, right?

[zapping]

[grunting]

And you don't have these in a bigger size?

You know, there's a plus size store down the street.

[zapping]

Oh! So handsome!

Uh, my name is Jean Carlo Feliti.

I am the top model scout of all Italy, and...

Sorry, buddy, I already have representation, print and runway. So buzz off.

[zapping]

[rock music]

[panting]

[zapping]

Thank you, thank you.

I'll make room for this somewhere.

[zapping]

[grunts]

[bell ringing]

[cheers and applause]

[zapping]

Is this it?

[echoes]

[zapping]

[women cheering]

[zapping]

[grunts]

[gunfire]

[men yelling]

[grunts]

[beeping]

[groans]

How you feeling, buddy?

I feel... good.

Holy [bleep], I mean, I know I've always been handsome, but today I look like a [bleep] s*x god, baby.

[upbeat music]

Jeff?

Oh, yeah, delicious.

[chuckles]

Jeff!

Oh, hello, sir.

It's 7:00 a.m.

The only time you've ever been here early was when you forgot about Daylight Savings.

Here!

Whoa!

Try the best [bleep] thing you've ever tasted in your life.

Um, okay.

Mmm, what is that? It's beefy.

Shepherd's pie. And in the back, I got dry-aged baby back ribs roasting, baby.

Whoa! Guess what, Jeff.

You just earned that raise.

Pfft. A raise. [scoffs] Don't insult me.

If you got half a brain in that bald skull of yours, you're gonna make me a partner and watch as I turn this little [bleep]stain company into the Coca-Cola of blended meat drinks.

[birds tweeting]

I don't understand. I should be making more than enough to cover these bills. What's happening?

Somehow I got a weird bruise on my head.

What the hell is happening here?

You know, there's no easy way to say this, but sounds like you guys might have a drinking problem.

A few things have changed since my last application.

First of all, I didn't even tell ya about my number one asset, which is my personal brand worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Also, I'm now a partner in a major beverage company.

And finally, I can bench 300 pounds.

Somewhat unrelated, but I figured it was worth mentioning.

Wow. Well, that certainly does change things.

I'm sure we can make something work.

Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?

[fingers tapping]

Yeah.

[moaning]

You like that three-inch monster, baby? Whoo!

[both sobbing]

Boom!


both: Huh?

Your worries are over.

Oh, my goodness!

[gasps, chuckles]

This is a miracle.

[chuckles] Oh, Mom.

You love to repeat yourself, don't ya?

That's exactly what you said when I beat the land speed record in 1997, remember?

I don't know what you're talking about, but this is amazing.

Come here and get a hug from a world-class hugger.

Oh.

Oh, come here. Oh, honey.

[rumbling]

Huh?

Hey, I don't know what you guys think you're doing, 'cause our wonderful, precious son just got us all the money we need to keep our house.

So scram!

He did the impossible.

Impossible can suck my balls.

Bruce Starr!

Oh, congratulations.

You know a famous person's name. Good for you.

Well, look, you can keep your little poor person house.

I just hope you're strong swimmers, 'cause in a few months, this whole place is gonna be under 30 feet of salt water when we build our luxury yacht marina.

What?

Huh?

Look, I'm just trying to put rich people first for once.

Listen, pal, you may be pretty good at business, but if there's one thing I learned in the Marines, it was never to back down from a challenge.

So why don't you just name your price, and I'll buy this whole rinky-dink development off of you right now.

How about, uh, $45 million.

Oh, [bleep].

I was really hoping you were gonna say something under 75,000.

All right, confidence will only take me so far.

I'm gonna have to become an insane, ruthless maniac if I wanna be the kind of person who can make $45 million, so I just had an idea.

What if we used that memory changer of yours on me?

Yeah, I think I could work something like that out.

Wait, you have a memory mach...

[zapping]

[crickets chirping]

Okay, here are all the key traits I'm gonna need.

Number one: A deep, unquenchable pain in your soul since childhood?

Really? That's what you want?

Elon Musk, bullied so hard he had to be hospitalized.

Steve Jobs, tossed aside like a dishrag the minute he was born.

That's the kind of psychological pain I need.

Okay, buddy. This could get dangerous.

So put this on.

I preloaded it with all your original memories.

I'm gonna monitor your bank account, and as soon as you make $45 million, I'll push this button, and no matter where you are, it'll change you back to your regular loser self.

Loser self? What the hell are you talking about?

You know what? Don't worry about it.

[zapping]

I really lucked out when I got the coolest little sister in the world.

[screaming]

Oh, no, no, no! No! Help!

I can save her, but I'll need $45 million.

But... but I don't have...

Oh!

Too late, she's dead.

No!

Number two: Only associate with people who can help your career.

[beeping]

[zapping]

You guys wanna play hide-and-seek?

How about we play "all you losers get out of my house"?

Steve, your dad's a janitor. You're of no use to me.

Billy, you're not that bright. You're not goin' nowhere.

Huh?

You can stay, Jeb.

Your mom works at Merrill Lynch, right?

[zapping]

Number three: Be from a crappy place and have to work your way out. [chuckles]

Well, this is already a pretty [bleep] town, but yeah, we could do worse.

[zapping]

And for today's forecast for South Jersey, looking rainy all week long.

Aw, nuts. I wanted to go play stickball, and...

Hey, shut your [bleep] mouth, you little malook.

I'm trying to watch the news here!

I can't wait to blow this joint and go to the big city.

You're never going nowhere 'cause you're a loser just like your mother.

And the only way you'll prove me wrong is if you make $45 million.

[sobbing]

[zapping]

[ominous musical sting]

Good hustle. Way to clutch up.

Hey, Joey! Joey, give me some more lamb shanks over here.

Here, put this on.

What?

Can't work with a guy who dresses like a fenuk every day.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Jeff?

I want you to meet my new best friends/incredibly wealthy investors.

This is Sheik Abdul Hajj Muhammad and Steve Winslow.

Hi there.

Met 'em this morning at the squash club.

Uh, hello.

You ready to get disgustingly rich?

[cheering]

[whirring]

[energetic music]

The new savory smoothie craze started right here at the Great Mall.

Mr. Mahoney, how did this idea come to you?

You know, when I was a kid, my alarm clock was a belt across the jaw, and I knew if I wanted to be great, I was gonna need to think outside of the box.

Speakin' of box, what are you doin' later, sweetie?

Oh. [chuckles]

Yeah, you're welcome.

[moaning]

You're welcome.

[cheering]

[cha-ching]

[cheering]

[cha-ching]

[upbeat music]

[soft music]

Here's to 50 million smoothies sold.

Hey, can we get some muzzarel' sticks ovah here?

Huh? You tryin' ta starve us?

I gotta tell you, paying for you to go to that seminar was the best decision I ever made.

You've made me a very rich man.

Oh, yeah, about that...

I was just lookin' over our contract and, uh, you know what? I forgot my reading glasses.

Can you do me a solid and read clause 29C for me?

Oh, okay.

"This venture between Jeff Mahoney and Nick Orbach is a 50/50 partnership."

Yep, looks good to me.

Keep readin'.

"Except for the fact that Nick Orbach is a dirty pigdog, thus he is entitled to nothing but the slop that pigdogs eat and so thoroughly enjoy..."

What is this? Are you trying to steal all my shares?

You wouldn't do that.

Eat up, you [bleep] pigdog.

Waiter! The [bleep] mozz sticks!

[cha-ching]

Whoa! That was a nice little bump.

Okay. Now to turn him back.

A memory changer, huh?

Oh!

Well, this certainly explains a lot!

That's where all my money's been going.

Into your stupid jackets.

Get away from my jackets!

I need that memory changer so I can turn Jeff back into himself.

There's no telling what he could do... ahh!

[zapping]

I just can't believe this is the same guy who baked us pumpkin muffins all the time.

[calm music]

♪ ♪

[door opens]

Whoa!

Here's $45 million.

I'd like to buy one yacht marina please.

[laughs] Whoa-ho-ho. Impressive stuff, my friend.

Feels almost like I'm looking into a success mirror right now.

All right, let's wrap this up.

I gotta go save my ma, God bless her heart.

[sighs] I just don't get why you're helping those loser parents of yours.

I heard they used to beat you like a dog.

Yeah, so? That's what parenting is.

Here's the thing, Jeff.

Your parents can't help you make more money.

They're... they're dead ends. They're leeches.

But... but me? I can help you get rich beyond your wildest dreams. We could make billions.

Oh, [bleep]. You and me together?

That would be like if Bon Jovi and The Boss formed some kind of super group or something.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

We could get all the money and put huge golden walls around our mansions.

And all the people would be out there with nothing.

Like worms.

You, my friend, just gave me a hard-on.

Oh, I wish this moment could last forever, Sammy.

Oh, Zarlene, you're the sunlight in my heart.

You know that?

[zapping]

You're the sunlight in my heart too! [groans]

[screaming]

This is what you get when you [bleep] with your friends, Sammy.

[groans]

Ahh! Stop it!

I wasn't stealing!

I was just taking your money because I deserve it.

Don't you see? [groaning]

He's still an asshole.

I guess we'll have to go deeper.

Stanley, I'm worried.

What if they blow the dam with us still here?

As long as we stay right here, we're safe.

I mean, what are they gonna do? Kill us?

[upbeat music]

Uh, just making sure... we're legally covered if we kill them, right?

Absolutely, sir. We put up very clear signage.

Hey, Jeff, whaddaya think?

I think those pigdogs have been standing on all fours in the way of my success for way too long.

I say we flush 'em out. You can do the honors.

I'd like to enjoy myself while I'm on this [bleep] yacht.

Hey, Stacy, whaddaya say we go downstairs and you beat me with this while I jerk off in the corner?

Son? [wheezing] Come closer.

[coughing] Make me one promise.

Anything, Dad.

You'll always be good to Jimmy and Ted.

Who?

You'll know what I'm talking about one day.

Oh, and you'll bake pumpkin muffins whenever they ask.

And you'll never mess with the memory changer.

Promise me!

[zapping]

Oh, and tell him he should always give us foot massages.

No, come on, that's too much.

What?

What are you talking about? No, it's not.

Hey, hey, stop it! Stop!

Give me that! Gimme!

Give me!

[zapping]

Harder, harder! Tell me I'm scum.

[zapping]

Ahh! Ahh! No!

Stop it! What the hell's the matter with you?

All right, Dennis, we'll blow up the dam on my command.

No, no, stop! Guys, guys, come on.

What are we doing here?

We're gonna destroy homes and kill people?

And for what?

We're building a yacht marina 50 miles inland.

There's gotta be a way we can make money without screwing people over, right?

What? That doesn't make any sense.

[soft music]

Yes, it [bleep] does.

Whoa! O... okay. I... I'm listening.

From now on, you should let me lead this company.

Because there is a way to make lots of money without exploiting people, without destroying the planet, and that's how we're gonna run our company.

Smuthie-Starr Industries nosedived into bankruptcy this morning.

It was one of the fastest failures...

All right, well...

In American business history.

Turns out business isn't really my thing.

Well, honey, to me, a chicken dinner with you guys is worth a lot more than however many thousands of dollars you lost.

It was 45 million, but let's not dwell on the past here.

Let's celebrate the fact that we got your house back.

Cheers! To our home.

[dogs barking]

[distant alarm blares]

What an insane week.

I am so exhausted, and I... oh!

May I draw you a warm bath, sir?

And wash your linens?

What the...

What's the matter, Jeff? You don't remember Sammy?

Our loyal and subservient friend?

Don't [bleep] this up, Jeff.

Uh...

Try one of his pumpkin muffins.

They are to die for.

Well, actually, these aren't warm anymore.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll bake another batch at once.

Nothing brings me more joy than serving my friends.

Pretty cool what you can do with a memory changer, huh, Jeff?

You guys have a memory changer?

Jeff? You got a lot of nerve showing your...

[zapping]

[beeping]

That was the best speech I ever heard in my life.

I'd be happy to give you a raise.

Oh, thank you so much, sir.

This thing is the best.

[phone vibrating]

Hello?

Hi, this is Ashley.

Uh...

I was your loan officer.

We really need to talk.

Loan officer? [chuckles]

Uh, sorry, I think you might have the wrong number.

Okay? Good luck.

Cut!