02x04 - Flour Child

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE

Scene One - Radio Station
Frasier is taking a caller on his radio show. Roz is in the
producer's booth.

Maggie: [v.o:] It's not that I don't like him, Dr. Crane: it's just
that he's got so attached to me. Roses every day for a week
after two dates!
Frasier: Maggie, the first thing you have to do is sit Gavin down for a
nice long conversation. [Frasier notices Roz shaking her
head] A frank and honest discussion, tell him that though he
wants to go at one speed you need to go at another. [Frasier
notices Roz shaking her head again] Tell him you're not
rejecting him and that you're fond of him but if he doesn't
give you some breathing room... you know, suddenly I wonder
what Roz, my non-PhD holding producer thinks you should do?
Roz: Well, I just think that any guy that's that clingy after two
dates has a major insecurity problem. I say dump him now:
head to the hills and don't look back.
Maggie: [v.o:] It's so good to hear that, Roz. [Frasier is surprised]
That's what I wanted to do but I felt so guilty. Thanks so
much, bye. [hangs up]
Frasier: And that takes us to commercial. This, for those of you that
may have forgotten, is the [angry:] "Dr. Frasier Crane
Show!"

Roz enters and hands Frasier a pass, a piece of paper and a big card.

Roz: Here's your new parking pass. I confirmed your dinner
reservations for three; at your father's request you'll
be dining at "Chez Shrimp."
Frasier: Oh!
Roz: There are two letters that you've got to sign: a card for
Clarence the guard that we're all signing, and a letter for
the sign-ups for the KACL bowling team - I'll file this
right in the trash.

Roz exits the studio. Frasier looks at the card. It's in the shape of
a big teddy bear.

Frasier: Oh wonderful, another card. Of course, I, as resident wit
here, will have to think of something clever to say. Well,
at least I've got another gala KACL birthday bash to look
forward to. I can just taste that frozen Sara Lee cake
right now, whilst, on applause, a full-grown adult snuffs
out a handful of tiny candles!

Roz enters hearing him grumbling.

Roz: What are you grousing about?
Frasier: Oh nothing, nothing.

Frasier opens the card. It begins playing music.

Frasier: Yes, the pageantry never stops.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Taxi Cab
A lady (Arleen) is driving Frasier, Martin and Niles home. They are
in heavy traffic and car horns can be heard all over.

Martin: Mr. Fancy-pants! You've gotta buy a German car!
Frasier: It's not my fault it broke down.
Martin: Hey, if you bought American, they wouldn't have to tow your
car halfway across the state to get it fixed. That's why I
always buy American. Breakdown, you can drive to the nearest
garage. I could break down all alone in the middle of
Alaska...
Frasier: Finally a thought to raise all our spirits!
Niles: This traffic is m*rder. I'd suggest we walk home but I'm
afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers. Does
calfskin pucker?
Frasier: Yes, Niles! That's why on humid farms, the calf is the most
made-fun-of of all the animals!
Niles: There's no point in being snide. We're all going to be in
here for a while, we might as well try and make pleasant
conversation. We are a family, after all, it shouldn't
be that hard.

There is a long silent pause. Then Martin starts up talking...
to Arleen.

Martin: So, you been driving long?
Arleen: Not really.
Martin: I bet you have some pretty good stories, though?
Arleen: You guys ever hear of a woman having a baby in a cab?

The three kid about and ad-lib "yeahs" and "we've all heard that
one."

Martin: Why, did it happen in this cab?
Arleen: No, I think it's about to.
Martin: [shocked:] You're pregnant!
Arleen: Yes. [begins screaming in labor pains]
Frasier: Well, don't panic, it may just be false labor.
Arleen: My water's just broken! I'm sitting in a puddle of water.

Niles pulls his feet up.

Niles: Calfskin, calfskin!
Frasier: Niles!
Martin: I think the closest hospital is First Methodist.
Frasier: Dad, we'll never make it in this traffic. I think we better
pull over.
Niles: Please try to park facing down hill.
Frasier: Niles!
Arleen: I can't have my baby here!
Frasier: All right, there's no reason for you to be concerned. You're
in the presence of two trained medical professionals. [then]
Niles, help the woman.

Niles gets out of the cab. He opens her door and she falls out.
After much screaming he pushes her back in and closes the door.

Frasier: No, Niles! The other door.

Niles goes to the other door and gets into the cab. Meanwhile, Martin
picks up the squawk box.

Martin: Is anybody there? Come in!
Niles: All right, the most important thing you can do right now is
breath deeply. Just do as I do.

Niles breaths in and out. She copies.

Frasier: Are you feeling faint or out of breath?
Niles: [hyperventilating] Yes, both of those.
Man: [v.o:] Hello, go ahead.
Martin: Yeah, I'm calling from cab number... 804. This is an
emergency. Your driver, Arleen, just went into labor.
We're at the corner of 14th on Sycamore. We need an
ambulance here right now, do you hear me? Over.
Man: [v.o:] Yes, I'll get right on it.
Arleen: Ah, it really hurts.
Niles: It's okay, it's natural.
Arleen: No, you're squeezing my hand!

Niles stops.

Frasier: Get a hold of yourself, Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry, I only did this once before in medical school.
And all I remember is a bright light, lots of blood and
then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead.
Arleen: You fainted!
Niles: Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!
Frasier: Oh, Niles get out of there. I'll help her.

Niles gets out of the cab and Frasier takes his place.

Arleen: The baby's coming now!
Frasier: If it does come, I'll be here to catch it. Now listen, just
continue with your breathing. [she does] Now, I don't want
you feeling guilty for having your baby in a cab. No,
there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure many great
Americans have been born this way. Cab Calloway comes to
mind. My particular area of medicine is psychiatry and I
like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower
portion of the body - it's much less messy that way. Not
that your lower half is messy at all, it's quite
beautiful... not that I'm looking! [she screams] It's
hurting a bit?
Arleen: No, you're driving me crazy! [chucks a cap at him]

Martin pushes Frasier out and gets in himself.

Arleen: What, are you a doctor too?
Martin: No, I'm a retired cop.
Arleen: Well, what took you so long?
Martin: Everything's going to be just fine, sweetheart. Now I've
delivered more than a few babies in my lifetime and some of
them are even older than you are now. Now, Frasier's going to
hold your hand and help you with your breathing. And Niles is
going to look out for an ambulance and I'm going to get ready
to bring your beautiful baby into this world. Okay?
Arleen: Okay.
Martin: Now, are there any questions?
Niles: Yes, should our meter still be running?

Martin and Frasier gives him a look as Arleen screams with another
labor pain and throws up a hand that knocks Niles out cold.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment
On the dining room table, Daphne's bathrobe is laid out.

Daphne: [o.s:] Hello? Are you back yet?

When there is no answer, Daphne rushes in wearing just a towel
and her shower shoes. She picks up her nightgown to put it on.
However, at that moment the Cranes enter. Daphne, half out of
her towel, holds the robe in front of her, seemingly naked
behind it. Niles gapes, and even Frasier and Martin are stunned.

Daphne: Well go on, turn your heads.

Daphne turns round to change. The three men turn round 180 degrees
and face the wall – however, Niles continues turning until he is back
where he started - staring at Daphne. Frasier puts a stop to it and
turns him back just before Daphne can catch him. She's ready.

Daphne: Okay.

They all turn back.

Daphne: So, I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
Niles: [the wrong end of the stick:] No, I haven't!

Frasier bats his arm.

Daphne: Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone.
Delivering a baby in a taxi.
Niles: [realising:] Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement
as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in
medical school.
Frasier: Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot
water.
Martin: What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right
when a person's life begins. One minute it's just this blob
in some lady's stomach, next minute it's a person.
[visualizing:] Blob - Person!
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.
Daphne: I bet you have some fond memories of when your son was born.
Frasier: Oh yes, of course. I remember the very first time I held him
in my arms as a newborn. And it was as if everything in the
universe simply melted away. There was just a father, a son
and the distant sound of Lilith saying, "If you ever come
near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer r*fle."
Martin: At least nowadays fathers get to see their sons being born.
In my day, they stuck us all in the waiting room, smoking
cigarettes and reading "Life" magazine. I still remember
the exact article I was reading when Niles was born. It
was about Mickey Mantle. Talk about life setting you up
for a fall! Well, it's been a long night. I'm turning in.

Martin exits to his bedroom.

Frasier: Night, Dad.
Daphne: I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this
talk about childbearing. Probably that one where my mother
shows up and says, [imitating old woman:] "Well, Daphne,
you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren."
[normal voice:] Then I say, "That was my choice to make, Mum,
I was thinking of my career." [mother's voice:] "Oh sure, your
career, but did you ever think of me?" [normal, getting
carried away:] "Mother, I don't want to start this again, just
drop it." [old voice:] "But will she drop it?" [normal:] "Oh
shut up, mother!" [old voice:] "Don't talk to me like that,
young lady..."

Daphne carries on and exits to her room.

Frasier: I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.
[pause] Sherry, Niles?
Niles: No, thank you.
Frasier: You seem awfully reflective, is something on your mind?
Niles: Actually, yes. For the past several months I've noticed my
thoughts often drifting to the same subject: will I ever be
a father?
Frasier: Ah.
Niles: There are pros and cons, of course, but watching that
child's birth tonight I realise it's something I really
want... I think.
Frasier: Well, it's perfectly natural to have parental stirrings
around at your age.
Niles: Uh, er, no, this is more than stirrings. I wake up nights
thinking about it.
Frasier: Have you talked this over with Maris?
Niles: Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.
I'm just not sure I'm really ready for fatherhood.
Frasier: Well, Niles, no-one's ever really sure. You know, in schools
these days, teenagers who are thinking about becoming parents
are given a ten-pound sack of flour to keep with them for a
week as though it were a baby.
Niles: [laughs] You're kidding?
Frasier: No, no, no, they hold it, they care for it, they never let
it out of their sight. It gives them a very good idea of the
cost and responsibility of being a parent.
Niles: Hmm, that's very clever. What could be better than hands-on
experience? Might be worth a try.
Frasier: Well, I wasn't actually suggesting.
Niles: Well, why not? It's the perfect week: Maris is away, I'm
desperate to resolve the issue; Frasier, where do you keep
the flour?

Niles begins searching the living room.

Frasier: In the kitchen.
Niles: [excited:] In the kitchen.

Niles and Frasier enter the kitchen.

Frasier: The cabinet next to the sink.
Niles: [opens cabinet and gets out a pack:] Yes! Here it is.
[reads] Extra refined. [to Frasier:] It's taking after his
old man all ready!
Frasier: No Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're
going to do it right.

Frasier puts the sugar back and brings out the flour.

Frasier: Now, here is the flour. [reads] Bleached, one hundred
percent fat free, best when kept in an airtight container.
[to Niles:] It seems this one's taking after its mother.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FLOUR CHILD


Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is sat at the table when Niles enter with his bag of flour to
his shoulder.

Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Hello, Frasier, may I join you? Or should I say, may we?
Frasier: Mais oui.

Niles sits with his "baby."

Frasier: I see you're still continuing with our little baby
experiment.
Niles: Yes and it's turned out to be quite a learning experience.
It's not easy, though. I take him everywhere. Get up for
two a.m. feedings, the whole exhausting nine yards.

Niles notices a mother and baby walk past him, he interrupts.

Niles: What a beautiful baby, how old is he?
Mother: Eight weeks.
Niles: Oh, great age isn't it?

Niles turns his "flour child" round and we see that he has two
plasters on.

Frasier: Niles, I can't help noticing that your child has a little
boo-boo.
Niles: Oh, it's nothing. I was playing him some Brahms the other
night, never too early to ingrain them. I guess I must have
begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris
wears in her bun and I accidentally ran him through.
Frasier: What young parent doesn't tell that story?
Niles: The scars were just plain carelessness. The fault of my new
houseman, Guy.
Frasier: What did Guy do?
Niles: No, no, [next to the same pronunciation:] Guy.
Frasier: Guy.
Niles: Back of the throat, Guy.
Frasier: Oh, who cares?
Niles: He had just given my car the most brilliant shine when I sat
the baby on the roof and down it went, down the windshield
and onto the driveway. Will you watch him for me while I
order?

Frasier nods. Niles lays the new-born on the chair and goes to the
counter. Then Roz enters, and notices the sack.

Roz: Hey, Fras. Is this seat taken? [points to chair with flour]
Frasier: Well, actually... [catches himself:] No.

Frasier takes the flour from the seat and lays it on the floor.

Roz: [sits] You'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot
better. I just dropped his card off.
Frasier: Clarence?
Roz: Yeah, Clarence the guard.
Frasier: Oh, down at the station, Clarence, oh yes, good. I didn't
know he was sick.
Roz: You signed his get-well card.
Frasier: You mean that wasn't a birthday card?
Roz: No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
Frasier: Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday. I wrote, "Dear
Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting
closer to death"!
Roz: How could you think it was his birthday?
Frasier: I don't know, I guess I just didn't recognise the traditional
card for a man in an advanced state of kidney failure was a
giant pink bunny rabbit. Do you think he's read it yet?
Roz: No, I don't think so. He was sleeping when I left.
Frasier: I'm going to look like a callous fool. We've gotta get back
down there and get that card back.

Frasier and Roz stand up to leave.

Niles: [enters] How can you be leaving? [notices baby:] I asked you
to baby-sit!
Frasier: Oh, Niles! I don't have time to stand here and listen to
your insanity, I have to go and steal a get-well card from
a kidney patient!

Niles picks his son up and nurses it as the radio star and producer
leave.

FADE TO:

NO GUTS, NO GLORY


Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment
Daphne and Frasier are reading the get-well card.

Daphne: What does that say? Geb?
Frasier: [looks:] No, no, it's "get." [reads] "Get well soon,
love Andrea." Just copy it down, move onto the next name.

It then becomes apparent that Frasier and Daphne are copying the
names from the old card onto a new, identical card.

Frasier: We'll have to transfer all the old names from this card onto
the new card, as quickly as possible, I want to get it back
there tonight.
Daphne: So you actually snuck into a man's hospital room and stole
his card?
Frasier: I did not sneak in! Luckily, the man was in extreme pain and
heavily sedated.

Martin gives his comments from where he is sitting on his "throne."

Martin: This never would have happened if you had taken the time to
find out who this Clarence guy was! You never pay any
attention to the little people in your life.
Frasier: Yes, well as soon as we're done with this, why don't we
invite all the commoners over to drive me down to the town
square and give me a good stoning! [doorbell] That must be
Niles. He's going to take me down to the hospital.

Frasier opens the door to Niles. He is stood with a wide smile on his
face and his flour child hanging from him in a baby carrier.

Frasier: Hello Niles. [notices]
Niles: Hello Frasier.

Niles enters not even thinking about the ludicrous "baby-bag.”

Martin: What are you doing with that thing?
Niles: I'm forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.
Martin: Well that's a relief, I was afraid it might be something
stupid!
Niles: If it makes you feel any better, I don't wear this in
public, I just wanted to get the complete picture of
parenthood.
Frasier: And?
Niles: It's driving me batty!

Niles sits down and knocks the what-would-be head of the baby against
the table.

Niles: Oh the feedings every two hours. Constant monitoring where he
is, I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry. Last
night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and
the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail. Well,
on the plus side, I've learned a lot. I think if I ever
undergo through the real thing I'll make quite a wonderful
parent.

Niles lifts it out of its pouch revealing to us that it is in fact
burnt to a crisp.

Frasier: Niles! What has happened to your child?
Niles: I was practicing my Tai Chi exercises this morning and I
accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's
when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
Frasier: He caught on fire?
Niles: It's not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real
child would have cried before it burst into flames!

Niles's watch begins to beep.

Niles: Oh, time for his nap.

Niles puts the sack on the couch with it's "head" on a cushion.

Niles: Turn him over if he starts fussing, will you, dad?
Martin: No.
Niles: I'm role playing, dad.
Martin: Try playing the role of a sane person.

Frasier and Niles cross to the sherry, they pour.

Frasier: So Niles, any closer to making a decision about fatherhood?
Niles: To tell you the truth, no. At one minute I think there's no
chance in hell I'll ever be able to stand the stress. The
next I find myself daydreaming about taking my son on his
first trip to the museum or listening to him pick out his
first feeble "Für Elise" on the piano and I swear there are
tears in my eyes.

Frasier notices that Eddie has begun ripping Niles's son to bits.
Flour is all over the couch.

Frasier: Oh, dear.
Niles: What?
Frasier: Eddie.
Daphne: [Australian accent:] That dingo's got your baby!

Niles notices and stands up to go to the rescue.

Niles: Oh God, Eddie!
Daphne: Don't worry, I'll clean up that mess, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Oh my God.
Martin: For God's sake, Niles, calm down. I think it's time you
realized something. That is not a person, it's a bag of
flour. There's an easy trick to tell the difference: people
don't usually come with pop-over recipes on their backs.
This whole thing's stupid. We're talking about having a baby
here. You don't make that decision intellectually, you make
it in here. [points to his chest] In your gut. You must have
a gut feeling, Niles - what is it?
Niles: I'm not sure.
Martin: Well, you better be because no amount of thinking can prepare
you for what having a kid is really like. It's hard, full of
surprises. Like maybe your kid won't want to take piano
lessons or go to the museum. He might want to go to a
baseball game.
Niles: Don't even say that.
Martin: Just trust yourself, son. That's all. You'll know if it's
right or not.
Frasier: [picks card up:] Well, Niles, I'm finished with this now, if
you're ready to take me to the hospital.
Niles: You know Frasier, I'm beginning to wonder if this whole
experiment wasn't just a way of convincing myself that I'm
ready for something when I know in my heart, I'm not.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Niles: I want to have a baby, but I just don't want it enough.
That's the hardest thing I've ever had to admit.
Frasier: Why do you say that?
Niles: Oh, because it's so selfish. I'm the right age, I have the
money, the energy.
Frasier: Niles, it's only selfish when people have babies for the
wrong reasons. I think more people should do what you did
and find out if they're really ready. Look, just because you
feel this way now doesn't mean things can't change a few
years down the line.
Niles: Perhaps you're right. Of course, Maris and I will be over
forty then. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some
of her eggs frozen.
Frasier: Ooh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that
now.

Frasier and Niles exit.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Hospital Corridor
Niles and Frasier are walking down the corridor of the hospital.

Niles: You're certainly going to a lot of trouble for this
Clarence fellow. Who is he?
Frasier: Beats me. Some guy down at the station.

Frasier enters the room with the patient in. The old man is in bed
fast asleep. Frasier notices get-well cards strung across a string
above the man's bed so opens the card to put it with the rest.
However, upon opening the card the music strikes up. Frasier quickly
puts the card up and the whole string falls down covering the
sleeping man in cards. Meanwhile the music from the card puts a
finishing touch to the scene.

Frasier quickly hurries out slamming the door behind him.
When he gets out, Niles has gone, and he comes face to face
with an old man walking along the corridor. This man is
the real Clarence. He is walking with his wife, Mary.

Clarence: Dr. Crane! It's Clarence. You weren't in there looking for
me, were you?
Frasier: As a matter of fact I was, yes.
Clarence: They changed my room.
Mary: Oh, this is so sweet of you.
Frasier: Well, you know, Clarence is such a fixture down at the
station. I just haven't felt the same there without him.
Clarence: You find the time to come down here while the rest of those
bums at the station don't even send me a card.
Frasier: Gee, Clarence, there's an explanation for that...

Frasier opens the room he just went in and offstage we hear the music
and a man screaming, "Make the music stop!" Frasier quickly shuts the
door.

Frasier: You see, the others at the station, they just don't know you
the way I do. Yes, well you get yourself well and get right
back there. I miss seeing you every time I walk by the....
place you tend to be. [calls:] Niles.

We now see another hospital corridor. It is the birth ward.
Niles is looking through a window at all the newborns.

Frasier: [calls:] Niles. [enters] Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: Looking at these babies. I can't help wondering if I made
the right decision.
Frasier: Niles...
Niles: Oh look at them, they're healthy, beautiful, lovable...
Frasier: Flammable!
Niles: How can I deny myself this experience? Maybe I'm more ready
for parenthood than I thought.

The cab driver from Scene Two enters from a room across the hallway.
She is carrying her baby.

Arleen: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Frasier: How funny running into you, and this must be...
Arleen: Yes, little Nathan. Oh, I'm so glad I ran into you. We both
want to thank you guys again. So, would one of you like to
hold him?
Niles: Yes. [he is thrilled to hold him and does so] Shush! [Nathan
starts crying] Why shouldn't you cry? Everything's so new to
you, so much to do, a life to live.
Arleen: No, you've got his leg pinned back.

She takes him from him.

Arleen: Well, see you guys. Say hi to your dad for me. [leaves]
Niles: Perhaps I made the right decision.
Frasier: Oh, I think so. Ready to go?
Niles: Uh-huh.

Frasier exits as Niles carries on staring at the newborns.

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

Frasier's Apartment
Daphne is in the kitchen making a cake. There is a bowlful of flour
on the side. There is also a pack of flour which Daphne picks up and
cuddles as if it were a baby. Martin enters and laughs at her. So
Daphne takes some flour and throws it at Martin. Martin does it back
to her. They carry on throwing more and more flour until Daphne takes
the whole bowl and throws it over his head as we FADE OUT.