02x09 - Adventures In Paradise [2]

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PROLOGUE

A BRIEF RECAP BEFORE WE CONTINUE...


Frasier: [v.o.] I just opened up the pages of "Seattle" magazine,
and there she was...

Clips from Scenes One and Four of Part I, in which Frasier meets
Madeline Marshall and then agrees to go away with her.

Frasier: [v.o.] So off I flew to Bora Bora, and did I receive the
shock of my life...

FADE TO:

ACT ONE

Scene One – Bora Bora
We're back where we left off — Frasier and Lilith catching sight of
each other.

Frasier: Lilith! What are you doing here?!
Lilith: I suppose I could ask you the same thing.
Madeline: [o.s] Frasier, is everything all right?
Frasier: Uh, yes, yes. Uh, why don't you come out and join us,
Madeline? [to Lilith] What about you? Are you here with
someone?
Lilith: Yes. Actually, he's snorkeling at the moment.
Frasier: Anyone I know?
Lilith: Sam Malone.
Frasier: Sam?!
Lilith: Just kidding.
Frasier: Of all places, Lilith, why did you bring him here?
Lilith: Well, it was spectacular five years ago when you brought me,
it's even more breathtaking now.
Frasier: But this was our place. How could you bring someone else?
[Madeline comes out in a robe] Oh, here. Lilith, I'd like
you to meet Madeline Marshall. [they shake hands] How's
this for a hoot? This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
Madeline: Your... ex-wife is here?
Frasier: Yes. It's a shame, too — no papers to be signed.
Madeline: So you're here with someone?
Lilith: Why does everyone keep asking me that? Yes, I am.
Oh, here he comes now. Brian?

Brian — a distinguished-looking man with iron-gray hair and a trim,
athletic physique — walks on drying himself off.

Lilith: Dr. Brian Patchett, I'd like you to meet Madeline Marshall,
and Dr. Frasier Crane.
Brian: [shaking hands] Your ex-husband? You're making a joke!
Lilith: No, God is.
Brian: Pleasure to meet you.
Frasier: Likewise.
Lilith: Uh, Brian is a seismologist at M.I.T.
Frasier: Oh well, that's perfect. Brian being a seismologist, and
you having so many faults. [Lilith laughs, surprising
Frasier] Lilith, you're laughing!
Lilith: Well, I laugh quite a bit these days, thanks to Brian.
Frasier: Oh well, Madeline is just hilarious! She also designs her
own line of sportswear.
Lilith: I'm sorry, I don't think I've ever worn sportswear.
Madeline: So, how long are you going to stay?
Lilith: Until Tuesday. [Brian puts his arm around her]
Frasier: [putting his arm around Madeline] We're here till Wednesday.

Lilith gives Brian a kiss. Frasier does the same to Madeline.
Suddenly, Lilith grabs Brian and kisses him deeply. Frasier grabs
Madeline and kisses her deeply. Both keep one eye open on the other.

Brian: Well, this certainly has the potential to be very awkward.
Why don't we defuse the situation by getting together for
cocktails later?
Madeline: Better yet, let's have dinner.
Lilith: Oh, that's a wonderful idea. Why don't we meet in the Tiki
Room — at six o'clock?
Madeline: Great.
Frasier: Looking forward to it! What a wonderful way to start out
what promises to be the greatest week of our lives!

FADE OUT

Scene Two – Frasier's Hotel Room
Frasier and Madeline come back from dinner. Frasier is fuming.

Frasier: You see how Mr. Perfect kept rubbing it in, just to get my
goat?
Madeline: Frasier, relax.
Frasier: Oh, like he had to climb that tree to get her a coconut —
there were three of them on the ground!
Madeline: Would you stop obsessing? Come here.
Frasier: O.K.

They lie down on the bed and embrace, kissing... then Frasier stops.

Frasier: Hold it! What's that?
Madeline: [whispering] What's what?
Frasier: Lilith is making love in there!
Madeline: I don't hear a thing.
Frasier: Exactly!
Madeline: Would you just concentrate on me, please?!
Frasier: Oh, you're right, you're right. It's not like it was back
in college, when that sort of thing was going on in the
next room and I was left all alone with nothing but my
dreams and my Henry Miller collection. You're right,
I just got to block it out of my mind, just try to focus
and concentrate on the task at hand!
Madeline: [sarcastic] Oh, that's sexy.
Frasier: You're right, forgive me. You want sexy? I'll show you
sexy.

He embraces her again.

Madeline: I feel dirty.
Frasier: Good!
Madeline: No, no, I mean sandy, from sitting on the beach. Just let
me take a shower.
Frasier: O.K. Don't be long!
Madeline: When I come back, I'll make you forget you were ever
married to Lilith.
Frasier: That's never happened before without a prescription!

Madeline goes into the bathroom. Frasier takes off his shoes
and lies back on the bed.

Frasier: [relaxing] Oh yeah, oh yeah. [gets an idea and turns his
head toward the wall; louder] Oh yeah... oh, it's never been
like this before, never! [puts his ear to the wall] Nothing —
damn her, she can give as good as she gets! [starts jumping
up and down on the bed] Oh yeah, oh yeah! Oh, oh, mama!
Oh God, you are so hot! I am burning up! Oh, that's it,
that's it! Yes! Yes!

Lilith and Brian, fully clothed, appear in the doorway; Madeline
comes out of the bathroom in a towel. Not noticing them, Frasier
grabs the bed's canopy and rocks it so it slams against the wall.

Frasier: Oh my God, yes! Keep it up, baby! You're k*lling me!
Oh God, you're an animal! YES, YES!

He sees them and stops. Lilith turns to Brian and shrugs helplessly.

Madeline: Well, obviously you don't need me!

FADE TO:

PARADISE LOST


Scene Three – KACL
Frasier is back doing his show.

Frasier: Well, before we go to our "Eye in the Sky" Chopper Dave for
the traffic report, I would like to send this confidential
message to Madeline M. Madeline, I'm sure your gentleman
would love an opportunity to explain his behavior, but you
left the island before he had a chance, and, um, you won't
return his calls or answer the notes he's sent. We all know
how hard it is to find love in this world, what a tragedy it
is to let it slip through our fingers. I think he really
cares about you. [Roz taps on the glass] This is Dr. Frasier
Crane, we'll be back in a moment.

He goes off the air. Roz comes in.

Roz: Frasier, you were wonderful.
Frasier: You really think she'll call?
Roz: If the woman doesn't respond, she doesn't have a heart.
Frasier: Thank you, Roz.
Roz: Oh, I almost forgot! This bill came for you from your hotel
in Bora Bora.
Frasier: [reading it] Well, it's not too bad. I guess they had to
charge me for the whole week.
Roz: No, that's for the bed you trashed.
Frasier: Twenty-five hundred dollars for bamboo?!

Roz goes back into her booth and signals him to go back on.

Frasier: Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Roz, whom do we have next?
Roz: We have Vic from Seattle on line three.
Frasier: Hello, Vic. I'm listening.
Vic: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane, thanks for taking my call. I'm a
first-time caller, I'm a little nervous.
Frasier: Oh, just relax, Vic — "I'm listening."
Vic: Yeah, I'm really having a problem with women...
Roz: [sticking her head in; whispering] Frasier, Madeline's on
line one!
Vic: Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Oh, uh-uh, Vic, uh, something's come up in the booth, just-
you know, I'll have to turn you over to my very capable
producer.
Vic: Uh, O.K.

Roz, panicking, mouths "WHAT?! NO, NO!" Frasier ignores her and picks
up the phone.

Frasier: Madeline, Madeline, hi! Oh, thanks for calling. Oh, no,
no, it's OK, it's OK, I'm off the air right now.

Roz decides to give it a sh*t.

Roz: So, Vic, uh, what's this trouble you're having with women?
Vic: I don't know. You know, I have a good job, I think I have
a good personality. 'Course, I made more money when I was
modeling, but I'm doing O.K. at the law firm.
Roz: [Bye-bye panic!] Tell me more.

Scene Four – Apartment
Daphne, Martin, and Niles are dressed for an evening out.

Niles: Maris will be thrilled you're coming to see her tonight in
the ballet.
Daphne: Oh, we're delighted!
Martin: [mumbling] Yeah.
Daphne: You know, when I was younger I dreamed of being a ballerina
myself.
Niles: So did Maris! But the poor thing could never get her weight
up enough. That's why I couldn't help myself at the ballet
fundraiser when they auctioned off this walk-on part. It was
the perfect gift for my Maris!
Martin: So Maris is gonna be a ballerina?
Niles: No. It's non-dancing, but it is a key role, Dad. She plays
Ulrich, the hunchbacked drawbridge operator.
Martin: I hope we can pick her out.

Frasier comes in.

Frasier: What are you people still doing here?
Daphne: Oh, hush, we'll be long gone before your lady friend gets
here.
Frasier: Well, you don't want to be late for the ballet.
Martin: I do! When those ballet guys start flying around in those
tight pants, I don't know where to look!
Daphne: Oh, that reminds me, I've got to bring my binoculars.
Frasier: Will you just get out of here?!
Niles: Frasier, will you relax?
Frasier: I can't, it's my last chance with Madeline! Serves me
right, too, after the way I behaved in Bora Bora.
Niles: You're being too hard on yourself, it was just bad luck.
How were you to know that Lilith had arrived on the island?
Martin: Aside from the seas starting to churn and all the birds
taking flight from the trees.
Daphne: Oh now, don't you worry, Dr. Crane. Miss Marshall's going
to forgive you. Women always appreciate a man who's
sensitive enough to try again. That's why they call us the
"fair sex." All right then, let's go see some leaping
Russian stags!

As they head out the door, they run into Madeline coming in.

Martin: Oh hi, Maddy!
Daphne: Oh, hello! We were just leaving for the ballet.
Frasier: Madeline, come in.
Niles: You two kids take your time. Don't worry about us, we'll be
out all evening.
Martin: Yeah, you know how it is. First the ballet, then the
inevitable discussion.

They leave.

Frasier: Well, that was a little awkward.
Madeline: So is this.
Frasier: I guess there's no delaying it. I might as well just launch
into my little speech, try to explain why I behaved the way
I did...
Madeline: You know what might be better? If I tell you how I've got it
worked out. The minute you saw Lilith, you wanted to leave,
but I wouldn't let you. You said you couldn't handle it, and
by God, you were right! You panicked, and your panic took a
bad turn — a spectacularly bad turn. Anyway, that's how I've
got it worked out in my head, and it's fragile, so let's not
mess with it. So, why don't you mix up a pitcher of Mai-
Tai's and give me a kiss? I'll let you guess which I want
first.

Frasier comes over and kisses her.

Madeline: Guess again.

Frasier disconsolately turns away, but Madeline grabs him and kisses
him again.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

WHAT NUMBER SUNBLOCK MUST SHE USE?


Scene Five – Apartment
Frasier and Madeline are unwinding on the couch with Mai-Tai's and
slices of mango on sticks.

Madeline: Mmm, delicious! I love mangoes.
Frasier: Well, we never got around to sampling this tropical
delicacy while we were in the islands, so I thought we
should do it now.
Madeline: Good thinking. [kisses him]
Frasier: You know, there's something else we never got around to in
Bora Bora...
Madeline: Well, you got around to it. I just watched.
Frasier: Well, how about a little audience participation this time?

They embrace, kissing, but this time Madeline stops him.

Madeline: Frasier, wait. I want this as much as you do, but there's
something I need to talk to you about first.
Frasier: What?
Madeline: Well, I wasn't going to say anything. I-I thought I was
comfortable with this and I wouldn't have to bring it up,
but... well, I was involved with a divorced man once before,
and just about the time that I was really falling for him...
[Frasier understands] He reconciled with his ex-wife, and
I'm telling you I just can't go through that again.
Frasier: It's all right, Madeline. Trust me, I assure you that
Lilith and I are completely finished. She lives clear on
the other side of the country. Except in matters of our
son, we don't even have contact.
Madeline: That's all I wanted to hear.

They embrace again. Eddie jumps up and stares at them.

Madeline: Well, what's your name, little fella?
Frasier: You promise you won't laugh?

Madeline points. Frasier turns and sees Eddie.

Frasier: The dog? His name is Eddie. [gets up and picks up Eddie]
Come on. Pardon me while I put him back while he belongs.
Madeline: I'll be waiting.

For a moment Frasier turns toward the balcony, tempted to hurl Eddie
over the side... then he just takes him to the hallway.

Madeline picks up a stick of mango. Someone knocks on the door.
She gets up and opens the door to — Lilith!

Madeline: Oh God!
Lilith: It's nice to see you too. Is Frasier here?
Madeline: Don't you live in Boston?!
Lilith: I'm here on a layover — and judging by Frasier's trademark
mangoes on a stick, so are you. If you like, I can come
back in ten minutes.
Madeline: [getting her things] That won't be necessary.
Lilith: I apologize for coming at an inopportune moment, but
Frasier and I have an agreement that we'll make time for
each other if either one of us has something urgent to
discuss — which I do.
Madeline: Take all the time you need. This whole thing's just a
little too complicated for me.

Madeline leaves. Lilith picks up a mango stick and sits in Martin's
Armchair. Frasier comes out, sees a woman sitting in the chair, and,
drawing the obvious conclusion, dims the lights to a seductive level.

Frasier: Put down that mango, my dear. It's time you tasted the
forbidden fruit. [Lilith turns around] YAAAHH!!! Lilith!
What are you doing here?!
Lilith: I have something urgent to discuss.
Frasier: [looking around] What have you done with Madeline?!
Lilith: She was surprised to see me and she left.

Frasier rushes to the door and looks down the hallway.

Lilith: I hope you're not angry with me.
Frasier: Angry? [brings the lights back up] What do I have to be
angry about? Just because every time I carve out the
tiniest little slice of happiness for myself you come along
and obliterate it? My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through
your heart, but I don't think anything could k*ll you!

Silence for a moment as Frasier regains control of himself.

Lilith: Brian asked me to marry him.
Frasier: What?
Lilith: He wants to stop in Las Vegas on our way home.
Frasier: You're getting married.
Lilith: Yes.
Frasier: Well... so am I!
Lilith: Really?
Frasier: Yes, yes, to Madeline.
Lilith: Well, I just saw Madeline. She seemed in an awful hurry for
someone who's getting married.
Frasier: She had to buy a dress... oh, God, what am I doing? I'm not
getting married.
Lilith: Wow, you really had me going. Frasier, I don't want to
disrupt anything. Really, I just came here hoping to get
your blessing.
Frasier: I could have given you my blessing over the phone.
Lilith: Must you be so churlish?
Frasier: Well, I think I'm entitled! I mean, the one comfort in
being divorced is that you're both losers. Eventually,
the time comes when one person is the first to move on.
And quite frankly, I'd hoped it would be me.
Lilith: Well, I'd hoped it would be me. And it was! But, I'd like
to think that, had things worked out the other way around,
I would have been happy for you.
Frasier: Well, if you love him, I am happy for you.
Lilith: I do. Brian has been a dutiful suitor for some time, and
I'm convinced to within an acceptable margin of error that
he loves me.
Frasier: Does Frederick like him?
Lilith: Oh, he's crazy about him.

Somehow, that hurts more than anything that's happened so far.

Frasier: Oh...
Lilith: [seeing it] Oh, Frasier, Brian could never take your place
that way. You're Frederick's father.
Frasier: [grateful] Congratulations.

He hugs her. Then Martin, Daphne, and Niles come back. Frasier's
body hides Lilith.

Daphne: Well, it looks like they made up!

They break apart.

Martin: AAH!
Frasier: Hello, everyone.
Niles: Lilith, what a pleasant surprise! Well, how was Bora Bora?
I've never seen you looking quite so tan.
Daphne: My God, what does she look like in winter?
Frasier: Everyone, we have some very happy news: Lilith is going to
be married again.
Martin: [guardedly] To who?
Frasier: Someone else.

Martin is so overjoyed he drops his cane in his rush across the room
to shake Lilith's hand.

Martin: Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Wonderful!

Niles comes over to shake her hand also (and bring the cane).

Niles: Just wonderful, when's the happy occasion?
Lilith: Tomorrow, in Las Vegas.
Niles: [laughs] Oh, Lilith, how delightfully kitschy! It's your
second marriage, so you've decided to poke fun at the
institution by getting married in the tackiest place you
could possible choose!
Lilith: Brian's family lives in Las Vegas.
Niles: Well... isn't that convenient? You'll have someone to show
you the museums.
Lilith: It was lovely seeing you all again.
Frasier: I'll just walk you out.

They go out into the hallway together. Lilith calls the elevator.

Lilith: Well, I hope you haven't found all this too unsettling.
Frasier: No, no. You know, I think it's actually good that you're
getting remarried. I mean, otherwise we could have spent
the rest of our lives wondering whether our divorce was a
mistake, if we should have tried to work it out. Was it me,
was it you, was it us, was it you? Now we can move on.
Lilith: What's next for you?
Frasier: I suppose I'll try to smooth things over with Madeline.
Lilith: Try very hard, Frasier. She seems worth it.
Frasier: Well, she'll need convincing. You know, I guess I could ask
her back to Bora Bora with me, try again. [excited] You
know, I'll lay on the whole package this time. I'll buy the
airplane tickets first, pay for the hotel, get a limo,
champagne and caviar, the whole nine yards. With any luck
I'll sweep her off her feet and into my bed... I do own it,
you know.

Lilith smiles. The elevator comes.

Lilith: Would you like to kiss the bride?
Frasier: It'd be my pleasure.

They kiss, and she steps onto the elevator.

Lilith: You're really happy for me?
Frasier: Well, yes, of course. You'll understand, though, if I don't
jump up and down and yell "Yippee!"
Lilith: [as the elevator doors close] Yes, I've already seen that.

And she's gone. Frasier's not entirely O.K.... but he will be.

FADE TO:

Scene Five – Bora Bora
Exactly as before, Frasier opens the door to his balcony, and looks
out at the sea. Everything is just perfect. Behind him, Madeline
crosses the room wearing only a towel.

Madeline: Now why don't we pick up where we left off, Frasier?

Frasier turns around. The towel drops to the floor.

Frasier: Oh, my God...
Diane: Frasier?

This time the woman next door is Diane Chambers!

Frasier: OH, MY GOD!

SMASH CUT TO:
Frasier starts awake in a deck chair. He's still in Bora Bora,
at the same bungalow, but the balcony next door is empty.

Frasier: Oh God, I just had the most frightening dream! Thank God
I'm here with you.

Niles opens the balcony door.

Niles: Frasier, we have all week to analyze your dream. Right now,
there's a huge bug in the shower!

Frasier sighs, gets up, and ceremoniously removes one shoe.
Niles gives him two thumbs up.

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:
As Niles stands on the balcony, Frasier pursues the bug out of
the bathroom and into the bedroom, hammering down with his shoe
and missing. It scurries under the bed, and up the wall behind
the canopy. With familiar motions, Frasier jumps onto the bed
and slams the canopy against the wall.