02x10 - Burying A Grudge

[bunniefuu]

Act One

Scene One - Radio Station
Frasier is waiting anxiously in the booth. He watches as Roz runs down
the hallway. He opens the door with an angry expression.

Frasier: Where have you been?! We're on in two minutes!
Roz: Forgive me, but I was busy preparing your schedule for
tomorrow. You've got lunch with the station manager, you're
recording a PSA at three o’clock and don't forget to send
flowers to your sister-in-law at the hospital.
Frasier: Oh yes, Maris's face-lift!
Roz: Really? I didn't know she needed one.
Frasier: Well, she doesn't, actually. There’s nothing wrong with Maris
that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a
personality.

Roz laughs, then drops the rest of the papers in her hand into the
wastebasket.

Frasier: What are those?
Roz: Oh, just extra copies of your schedule.
Frasier: Why are you running down to the Xerox room for extra copies
of my schedule? It wouldn't have anything to do with that
new intern, would it? What's his name?
Roz: Eli.
Frasier: Roz, he's probably all of nineteen.
Roz: That's legal!
Frasier: Well, coo-coo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson.
Roz: Frasier, the guy is so gorgeous, you just want to bite him
all over, haven't you seen him?
Frasier: No, I've been eating out lately! You're not seriously
thinking of dating him, are you?
Roz: Why is it all right for older men to date younger women but
it's not okay for older women to date younger men?
Frasier: I don't make the rules, Roz, I just enjoy them.
Roz: You're on.

Roz exits to her booth and cues him.

Frasier: Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. We're
with you for the next three hours so let's get straight to
it. Roz, who's our first caller?
Roz: On line one we have Linda, she's calling from a car phone.
Frasier: [presses button] Hello, Linda, I'm listening.
Linda: [v.o] Oh, Dr. Crane. My husband and I are right in the
middle of a fight. You see, we're on our way to the antique
mart, we're obviously lost, but he refuses to stop and ask
for directions.
Frasier: Yes, well, Linda, this is a common source of friction among
couples. [laughs] Some men feel the need to be in control,
they see asking for help as a sign of weakness.
Linda: Oh, everybody knows that. Look, the reason I called is
to ask how the hell do we get to the antique mart from
Cherke Street and 14th Street.
Walter: [v.o] I don't need any directions! I know where I am!
Linda: We're lost, Walter, face it, we're lost!
Frasier: Well, this isn't normally the kind of advice I give, but let
me see, I've lived in Seattle most of my life. Cherke and
14th, you would want to...
Roz: Dr. Crane, I've got a map right here.
Frasier: Oh, no thanks, Roz, I don't need any help!

FADE OUT

QUICK! GET MANILA ON THE PHONE


Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is sat reading a book on the sofa and Daphne is playing
patience on the table as Martin enters calling to Eddie off stage
in the kitchen.

Martin: Hey, put that down! That's disgusting, why do animals always
drag these things into the house?!
Frasier: Oh, dear God, what is it? A rat?
Martin: No, it's a stupid doll!

Eddie enters with a Barbie Doll in his mouth.

Martin: He found it at the park and he carries it everywhere.

Doorbell sounds.

Martin: He never did this kind of stuff before you had him fixed!

Frasier opens the door to Niles.

Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: I thought you'd be at the hospital with Maris.
Niles: I'm on my way down that now. Poor Maris, she's so worried,
she hasn't had much hospital experience. Except the usual
childhood things - you know, tonsils, adenoids, force-feeding.
Daphne: What's wrong with Mrs. Crane?
Niles: Oh, it's nothing serious. Cosmetic surgery. Her chin, her
lips, her cheeks, her eyelids...
Martin: Maybe it would be faster if you just told us what she's
leaving alone! You know, if you want my opinion, this is
just vanity!
Frasier: Oh, it's not vanity, Dad, it's insecurity. It's easy to
understand how women can fall victim to our culture's
worship at the altar of youth and beauty.
Niles: Precisely. Women over forty can't help but feel unattractive
if they don't have [looking at Daphne] perfect hair,
porcelain skin... limpid eyes... pouting lips... and the
voluptuous contours of a goddess.

Niles looks into the air with a deep sigh of longing.

Niles: [after a while] I'm sorry, I forgot what my point was.
Daphne: Oh, I know just what you mean, Dr. Crane. I fell victim to
that pressure myself once. I had a mole removed.
Niles: Where?
Daphne: Just south of Manchester.
Niles: [laughs at her innocence] I meant where on your body?
Daphne: [much less innocently] So did I!

Niles gapes at hearing this.

Frasier: You know, what time is the surgery tomorrow?
Niles: First thing in the morning, which is why I'm here. I know
I'm being silly and I'm sure everything's going to be fine
but I was wondering if I might have your moral support down
at the hospital.
Martin: Yeah, sure, no problem.
Niles: Thank you. Well, I expect I’ll be off.
Martin: Hey, Niles. Not that it's any of my business but, er, how
much is this whole thing setting you back?
Niles: Somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty-five thousand
dollars.
Martin: Jeez, for an extra five grand you can get a whole new wife
from the Philippines.

Niles exits rolling his eyes.

FADE TO:

NO GUTS, NO GLORY


Scene Three - Hospital Waiting Room
Frasier and Niles are sat in the waiting room as Dr. Sternstein
wheels in a woman in her chair.

Sternstein: Ah, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Dr. Sternstein.
Sternstein: Excuse me for a moment. Your wife is still in recovery
but everything went splendidly so you can see her in a
few minutes.
Niles: Thank you, doctor.
Sternstein: [to patient] All right, Mrs. Patterson.

Sternstein wheels his patient off.

Niles: Did you hear that, Frasier? He said everything went fine.
He's an incredible plastic surgeon. Did you see that woman?
Whoever Mr. Patterson is, he's a very lucky man.
Frasier: Maybe that was Mr. Patterson!

They go to sit on two couches.]

Frasier: You know, guess whose room I passed by on my way down the
hall? Artie Walsh.
Niles: Dad's old partner?
Frasier: Yes, apparently he was in for some tests last week and the
results weren't very good.
Niles: Oh no, I always liked him.
Frasier: Yeah.
Niles: I still remember him inviting us to his house for weenie
roasts when we were kids. [laughs]
Frasier: I'm sure he remembers you too, asking for a salad niçoise!
Niles: Do you think Dad knows he's here?
Frasier: Oh, I doubt it.
Niles: Do you think he wants to know?
Frasier: Probably not. They haven't spoken in years.
Niles: I don't suppose you got Artie to tell you what their big
fight was all about?
Frasier: No, he's just as tight-lipped as Dad is. Although, with a
little arm twisting, I did get him to admit it was all Dad's
fault!

They laugh as Martin enters eating from a take-out carton.

Martin: Hey, you guys should really try the cafeteria here. They've
got a new chef - he's from Yemen.
Frasier: So many of the great ones are!
Niles: Dad, you know who's in the hospital here? Artie Walsh.
He's not at all well.
Martin: Yeah, one of the guys told me. They might have to scoop out
half of his intestines. Here, taste this meatloaf, it's got
just the right amount of chewiness.

Martin puts it under Niles' nose. He is obviously turned off of the
fact.

Niles: No, thank you. [pause] Are you gonna go see him?
Martin: No, can't think of any good reason why I should.
Frasier: Because he was your best friend for twenty years and now
he's sick?
Martin: Hey, he never came to see me when I took that b*llet - when
I was lying there with stuff flowing in and out of tubes and
drains from every bodily opening. [shows food to Niles] At
least taste this gravy! [Niles waves it off]
Frasier: Dad, we are talking about a few minutes out of your life!
Just long enough to sit there and have a little chat with a
very sick man. I don't see why that's so impossible for you.
Now, come on! Believe me, you'll be glad you did.
Martin: Hey, listen, sonny boy: that sanctimonious tone might wow
'em on the radio but it doesn't cut any ice with me! When
I say no, that's just what I mean. I'm not sitting and
chatting with Artie Walsh!
Frasier: Artie thought as much.
Martin: Why, what did he say?
Frasier: He said you wouldn't have the guts to go see him.
Martin: He said that?
Frasier: Yeah, then he snickered a little!
Martin: [stands] Well, I've got news for him. I've got the guts.
I've got twice the guts he has, and after his surgery
tomorrow, I'll have four times the guts!

Martin and Frasier exit down the hallway as Niles looks down at the
meatloaf in his hands.

FADE TO:

Scene Four - Artie's Hospital Room.
Artie is lying in the bed as Frasier and Martin enter.

Frasier: Artie, it's me again.
Artie: [notices Martin] Martin?
Martin: Artie.
Frasier: When he knew you were in here, he insisted on rushing right
over, didn't you, Dad?
Martin: Yeah, well... they said you were in pretty rocky shape.
Artie: Well, they've been saying a lot of things.

There's deathly silence.

Artie: Well, er, Marty, how's it been going?
Martin: Okay.
Frasier: Good. Small steps.
Martin: Sorry you're laid up.
Artie: Thanks. It was nice of you to come by.
Martin: Well, I guess somebody had to be the big man.
Artie: [laughs] Yeah. [realises] What? What's that supposed to
mean?
Martin: I think you know what that means.
Artie: No, why don't you tell me what it means!
Martin: I mean I'm being a lot bigger than you were when I was in
here!
Artie: You mean when you had that lousy b*llet in your hip?
Martin: Hey, that lousy b*llet hurt, pal!
Artie: Not enough!

Frasier tries to interrupt.

Martin: Well, it's too bad you never took a b*llet, it might have
improved you.
Artie: Just be glad you didn't take it in the butt - it could have
caused brain damage!
Martin: Oh, you always have to have the last word, don't you!
Artie: Not with you, I don't want any words with you!
Martin: Well, that's too bad, because I've got a couple of real
choice ones!
Frasier: Dad!

Martin and Frasier exit, Frasier looks back in.

Frasier: Next time we'll stay longer. [exits]

End of Act One

Act Two

ALBUQUERQUE IS APPROXIMATELY
136 SQUARE MILES


Scene One - Frasier's Apartment
Frasier is sat on the sofa reading a magazine as Daphne helps Martin
with his exercises on the floor. Eddie is staring at Martin.

Martin: Stop staring at me like that, Eddie, I didn't touch your damn
doll! [pause] Look, even if I did, you know, I did it for your
own good. You were becoming the joke of the park, even the
poodles were laughing at you! [Eddie stares relentlessly] Oh,
all right! Here.

Martin reveals the doll from his chair and throws it down the
hallway. Eddie gallops after it and exits as Niles enters from
the kitchen on his mobile phone. Martin and Daphne finish their
exercises and she helps him up into his chair.

Martin: I gotta get that dog a G.I. Joe!
Niles: [on phone] Yes, yes, Maris, I'm sure. No, no, you can't
gain weight from a glucose IV. No, no, my little worry
wart, there's no such thing as a NutraSweet drip. Just,
just try to close your eyes and go to sleep. Goodnight,
Puppy Toes. [hangs up]
Daphne: Is everything okay with your wife?
Niles: Actually, no. She can't get along with any of her nurses.
Honestly, I'm at a loss to understand how a reputable
hospital can hire nothing but troublemakers!
Frasier: Yes, the Little Sisters of Mercy have always had that
reputation!
Niles: Dad, I didn't get a chance to ask you, how did your reunion
with Artie go?
Martin: [sitting in chair] Lousy.
Daphne: If you don't mind me asking; what started this bad blood
between the two of you?
Martin: He spread a rumor about me through the department.

Frasier and Niles look at each other with this revelation.

Frasier: About what?
Martin: None of your business.
Frasier: Oh, come on.
Martin: No, I don't want to talk about it. Subject closed.

Martin starts to read his paper as Daphne, Niles and Frasier look on.

Niles: Must have been pretty bad.
Frasier: Oh, yes. Must have been on the take.
Daphne: More likely dr*gs.
Niles: dr*gs, yes, dr*gs... Or sex. Could be sex.
Frasier: Or all three!

They make noises of agreement with each other until Martin caves.

Martin: Oh, all right, it was worse than any of that. [pause] He
told people... I cried at "Brian's Song."
Frasier: Dear God! You always think that's the kind of thing that
happens to other people's fathers, not your own!
Martin: Well, I wasn't crying! Me and Artie were sitting at Duke's
watching the movie and I got some pretzel salt in my eye!
Artie thought it was the funniest thing in the world, the
next thing I know he's telling everybody. And then I become
the joke of the department. Other cops left Kleenex on my
desk! They called me "Boo Hoo Crane."
Daphne: Well, I suppose I can understand your being upset with him.
But, what's he so cheesed off with you for?
Martin: Well, I guess I let something slip about the size of his
wife's behind.
Daphne: I beg your pardon?
Martin: Well, she's got this gigantic rear end, I mean it's enormous.
It looks like she's shoplifting throw pillows!
Frasier: And you felt compelled to share that with him?
Martin: Well, for twenty years I tried not to and then I guess one
day I let my guard down. We were both coming into the
station house and he says, "Hi" and I say, "Hi" and he
says, "How's the wife?" and I said, "At least she doesn't
have an ass the size of Albuquerque!"
Niles: And that's it - a twenty-year relationship down the drain
because of a little name calling!
Martin: No, there's more to it than that. I mean, Artie always had to
have the last word. Always! [pause] He couldn't leave well
enough alone.

Martin starts to read again.

Martin: [suddenly] He couldn't let sleeping dogs lie.

As Martin starts to read again, the brothers realise the irony.

Martin: [suddenly] You'd think it was all over and then he'd start
saying something again. Look, can we drop this? Artie
obviously still has an attitude and I've got better things
to do than sit around a hospital room taking abuse. [exits]
Niles: [realising] Oh God, I'm due back with Maris. Oh, if anyone
needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.
Frasier: Why?
Niles: Maris's doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to
duplicate the home environment as closely as possible. So
I slipped a pearl-handed revolver under her pillow and got
myself a room across the hall.

Niles exits.

Frasier: I think we better say a little prayer for the night nurse!
Daphne: You know, it's such a shame your father and your friend just
can't let bygones be bygones. Especially at a time like this.
Frasier: I don't know what else to do, he's just so damn stubborn.
Daphne: Well, maybe if I had a go at it. You know, in the past year
and a half I've come to have a pretty good understanding of
how the Crane mind works - when it works!

Martin enters with some crisps, he sits with Daphne at the table.

Daphne: Mr. Crane, about your partner...
Martin: I don't want to talk about it anymore!
Daphne: No, no, I just wanted to tell you I'm on your side. After the
way he treated you, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
Martin: Damn right!
Daphne: It's hard to see how you could have had any good times
together.
Martin: Well, there weren't many. Well, occasionally we'd go fishing
together.
Daphne: That doesn't sound like much fun.
Martin: [reminiscing] Well, not the way I did it. But Artie got it
into his head that he was going to teach me. [laughs] He even
went out and bought this beaten old boat. He always said
after we retired we'd get more use out of it.
Daphne: Yeah, well, it seems awfully pushy of him to foist his
interests on you.
Martin: Oh, it wasn't so bad. I remember one time I bust my arm
reeling in what turned out to be someone's old bedroom
slipper. You know what Artie did? He just unhooked it and
threw it right on the barbecue. [laughs]
Daphne: Well, I guess maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all.
Martin: [pensive thought, then:] You know, maybe you're right.
I listen to myself talking and I sound like a big fool.
Thanks Daphne, you really opened my eyes.
Daphne: I thought I might.

Daphne and Frasier share a contented look.

Martin: Yeah, I'm going to march right down to that hospital, buy him
a big stuffed animal and then throws my arms around him and
never, ever let him go! [blows a raspberry in her face]
Daphne: You really are a hateful old sod, aren't you?

She gets up in disgust.

Martin: Come on, Eddie, time for your walk!

Martin goes to the door with Eddie as the phone rings.
Frasier answers it.

Frasier: Hello? Yes, it is. [pause, then in morbid tones] Oh, I see.
Yes, well, I guess it isn't really a shock, considering.
Yes, I'm sure they did everything they could. Thank you.
[hangs up]
Martin: What was that?
Frasier: [quietly] We'll talk about it later, Dad.
Martin: [worried] Is everything okay?
Frasier: Why do you ask?
Martin: Well, I don't know. You saying, "I'm sorry" and stuff like
"I'm sure you did everything you could" and it's natural to
be concerned.
Frasier: You thought that call was about Artie, didn't you?
Martin: No!
Frasier: Yes, you did!
Martin: So what if I did?
Frasier: Well, it just proves my point - you still care about him!
Martin: All right, so suppose I do care about him, suppose I do feel
bad about this stupid fight and want it over. What the hell
can I do?
Frasier: Well, it's up to you. But if you like, I could drive you
down to the hospital.
Martin: [sends Eddie away and puts down lead] I don't need you to
lead me. I can drive myself.
Frasier: No, you can't.
Martin: Why not?
Frasier: That was your mechanic, your transmission's dead.

Martin glares, while Daphne smiles. Martin and Frasier exit.

FADE TO:

WELL, WE’VE COME THIS
FAR WITHOUT A BEDPAN JOKE...


Scene Two - Artie's Hospital Room
Artie is in bed watching the television. It is on loud as Frasier and
Martin enter.

Frasier: Artie?
Artie: Oh, Jeez...
Frasier: Oh, now look. You guys got off on the wrong foot...
Martin: All right, Frasier, I'll handle this. [comes in] Artie...
[pause, uncomfortable] Will you turn the TV off?
Artie: I'll turn it down.

He does so, while Martin glares at Frasier.

Martin: Listen, Artie, I'm sorry about some of those things I said
earlier on, okay? Maybe all of them. I guess I was still
a little steamed that you never came to see me in the
hospital.
Artie: I didn't come by because... well, I just didn't think you'd
want to see me.
Martin: Of course I wanted to see you!
Artie: [smiles] That's what my wife said.

He points to a framed photo on his bedside.

Martin: Oh, yeah, Loretta.

Martin shows Frasier the picture. Frasier looks – and his eyes nearly
pop out of his skull. As Martin replaces the picture, Frasier shifts
his own behind in the air, trying to imagine how somebody could be that
circumferencially blessed.

Artie: Anyway, I'm glad you could come by. And I know it's not easy.
Especially for someone as stubborn as you are.
Martin: Me stubborn?! Hey, listen pal, I'm not the one who always has
to have the last...

He trails off as Artie starts chuckling.

Martin: Oh, you're right, Artie. I am stubborn. And it wasn't easy.
Artie: Thanks, Martin.
Martin: [to Frasier] Listen, Artie and I have a couple of things to
talk about so, if you, er, if you'll just wait outside,
it'll be a lot easier.
Frasier: Oh, fine, Dad. Anything I can say right now would just be
irrelevant. One thing you learn as a therapist is once
things are working well between people, anything else you can
say would just be...

Martin motions him to leave. Frasier exits. Martin pulls up a chair
next to Artie’s bed.

Martin: So, what's a rotten old cop like you doing in a joint like
this?
Artie: Believe me, it wasn't my idea. This is not how I expected
things to end.
Martin: What are you talking about, end? You're going to be out on
the street raising hell before you know it.
Artie: I don't know, Marty. The doctors aren't exactly tossing their
hats up in the air over this one.
Martin: Hey, my sons are doctors, they don't know nothing! Now,
listen, you're going to get yourself out of here, okay?
Cause we've got a lot of lost time to make up for. Hey,
do you still have that stupid boat?
Artie: Oh, yeah. [chuckles] I hung on to it.

They laugh.

Martin: Good, we'll sink that damn thing yet! Hey, Artie, do you
remember that time you barbecued the bedroom slipper?
[laughs]
Artie: I kept telling you, stuff always tastes better when you catch
it yourself. [laughs]

As the two laugh, Frasier sits outside in the hallway. Niles arrives
in the hallway bearing an armful of gifts. He notices his brother.

Niles: Frasier. What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, I finally got Dad and Artie Walsh talking again. Of
course I did have to resort to cheap, manipulative pseudo-
psychology.
Niles: Always go to your strengths.
Frasier: Well, what about you? It looks like you've bought out the
entire gift shop. Maris should be pleased.
Niles: Oh, this isn't for Maris, it's for her nurses. They're having
a meeting right now to discuss her care and from what people
tell me - a hospital strike can be ugly!

A nurse arrives.

Nurse: Visiting hours are over, gentlemen.
Frasier: Oh, thank you, I'll go round up dad.

Frasier goes to the door.

Niles: Er, excuse me, do you work on my wife's floor - Mrs. Maris
Crane?
Nurse: [immediately standoffish] Yes, I do.
Niles: I'd like you to have these chocolates. [hands them over]
Nurse: I'm on the night shift.
Niles: And this lovely watch. [hands it over]

The nurse exits, satisfied.

In Artie’s room, Martin and Artie are laughing again as Frasier
interrupts.

Frasier: Hey, dad? It's time to go.
Artie: What? You get another phone call about your dad's
transmission? [they laugh] Your dad told me about that.
Frasier: Well, all I was doing was...
Artie: Yeah, yeah, I know what you were doing. [winks] Thanks, kid.
Frasier: See you soon.

Frasier exits, leaving the door open.

Martin: Okay, now, we've got a deal, all right? As soon as you get
sprung from this joint, you've got to give me some serious
fishing lessons.
Artie: IF I get out.
Martin: WHEN you get out! You're not getting the last word on this
one!
Artie: See you, Marty.
Martin: [stands] See you, Art.
Artie: Bye.
Martin: Bye.
Artie: Take care.

Martin rolls his eyes.

Martin: Take care.
Artie: Stay loose!

Martin opens the door and nearly exits. However just before he
closes the door:

Martin: See you, Artie!

Martin quickly slams the door stopping him from having the last
word. Martin laughs as he walks with Frasier down the hallway.

Halfway down the hall, he stops and walks back the door. He opens it.

Artie: [o.s] See you, Marty.

Martin closes the door and smiles. So does Frasier.

End of Act Two

Credits:

Eddie is playing with a GI Joe on the couch as Martin enters.
He notices Eddie's new toy and is pleased with him for his macho
image. However, when Martin exits, Eddie goes to the other side
of the sofa and pulls out his Barbie again.