02x11 - Seat of Power

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE
Scene One - KACL
The Frasier Crane Show.

Frasier: [on air] Well, I think we have time for one last call, who's
up next, Roz?
Roz: We have Elliot, on line three.
Frasier: Hello, Elliot. I'm listening.
Elliot: [v.o. He sounds like a thirteen year old] Well, you see Dr.
Crane, I have a problem. I'm a salesman...
Frasier: Ah, a salesman? How old are you?
Elliot: Forty-three.
Frasier: Forty-three?
Elliot: Yes.
Frasier: Now tell. Let's be truthful.
Elliot: I'm forty-three.
Frasier: Elliot, we were not born yesterday. Clearly you are just an
adolescent, trying to prove to your little friends how clever
you are by getting on the radio. But you know what you are
really doing, you're taking time away from people with real
problems.
Elliot: Hey, I'm forty-three, I was born in New Providence, and I
have a very young-sounding voice that people make fun of all
the time!
Frasier: [contrite] Oh, I'm so sorry, Elliot, that was very insensitive
of me.
Elliot: Hah! Gotcha, Dr. Doofus!

On the other end we hear Elliot and a group of boys laughing.

Frasier: Yes, indeed you did "get us," Elliot, but we are not so stuffy
here on this program that we can't laugh at ourselves from
time to time. [off-air] Roz, can't you keep these pimply-
faced little maggots off the air?! [on air] Well, that's our
show for today. This is Dr. Crane signing off and wishing you
good mental health.

He goes off the air and exits through Roz's booth.

Frasier: Have a good weekend, Roz.
Roz: Wait, Frasier. I want to ask you a question, and I want you
to give me an honest answer.
Frasier: No, that outfit does not make you look fat.
Roz: Well, that wasn't the question. But why would you think it
was?
Frasier: Well, as a rule, when a woman prefaces a question with "I want
an honest answer," that's usually the question.
Roz: Well, I'm not that insecure.
Frasier: Good. I'm sorry, you were right. Your question, please.
Roz: Would you say the back of my head is unattractive?
Frasier: Roz, have you completely lost your mind?
Roz: No, I'm serious. You know how I have season tickets to the
Seahawks games? Well, there's this really cute guy who sits
right behind me, and a few weeks ago we said "Hi" and we
smiled at each other, but so far he hasn't asked me out yet.
So I was thinking there was something, you know, weird about
the back of my head.
Frasier: Roz, there could be hundreds of reasons why he hasn't asked
you out.
Roz: [sarcastic] Thank you, that makes me feel much better.
Frasier: No, no, maybe he's married, maybe he's in a relationship,
maybe he's gay. Or maybe, just maybe, he's there to watch a
football game and not cruise for chicks.
Roz: ...Okay, you're right. I'm being ridiculous.
Frasier: Of course you are. See you Monday.
Roz: All right. [sits back down]

Before he leaves, however, Frasier can't help staring at the back
of her head. She catches him.

Roz: I saw that! [he runs out of the booth, she chases him to get
his opinion] Wait!

FADE OUT

HEIR TO THE THRONE


Scene Two - Frasier's apartment.
He is sitting at the table whilst Eddie stares at him.

Frasier: You are not getting the rest of my scone, so just forget it...
[takes a bite out of scone] Mmm. Really good, too. Yum, yum
yum yum... Listen, I don't care, you can sit there 'til you're
blue in the face... As far as I'm concerned, you don't even
exist, you're not even here... [he goes back to reading his
paper, but soon crumbles under Eddie's unrelenting stare] Oh,
all right, here! Get fat!

He gives the rest of the scone to Eddie, who runs off with it.
Martin enters.

Martin: Ah, got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch.
Frasier: I am not.
Martin: Well, he never begs while I'm eating.
Frasier: Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
Martin: Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle.

Daphne enters from her bedroom, putting on her coat.

Daphne: Eddie?! Let's go for another walk.
Martin: I thought you already walked him this morning?
Daphne: I did, twice.
Martin: He's gotta go again?
Daphne: No, actually I do! [she catches herself as Martin and Frasier
give her sharp looks] That didn't sound right. There's a very
nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with
his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again.
Come on, Eddie. [pulls his leash, Eddie doesn't want to move]
He's just playing hard to get.
Frasier: I'm glad somebody is.

Daphne and Eddie leave.

Martin: Hey Frasier, how about fixing that toilet of yours? It keeps
running all the time, the noise is driving me crazy.
Frasier: All right, Dad. I'll call a plumber.
Martin: What do you mean, "Call a plumber?" You've got two hands, fix
it yourself.

The doorbell bing-bongs. Frasier goes to answer it.

Frasier: Dad, I am a doctor. I have more important things to do with
my life than to fix a toilet.

He opens the door to Niles, who enters.

Niles: Good news, Frasier. I pulled some strings with the spa, and
they're squeezing us in for a salt glow with our Swedish
massage.
Frasier: Fabulous!
Martin: Ah, forget about a plumber, I'll do it myself. My manicurist
cancelled on me.
Frasier: Dad, you will not do it yourself.
Martin: I'll bet you don't even have any tools around here.
Frasier: Oh well, that's where you're wrong. Let me show you
something, mister. Here...

He opens a drawer and pulls out a pocket toolkit. It's like a Swiss
Army Kn*fe, but has pliers, allan keys, etc. instead of blades. Very
useful when it's in the glove compartment of your car, but you try
using it to remove the battery strap when you're stuck in the middle of
nowhere!

Frasier: See this? Every possible tool for every possible need.
Got this from Hammacher-Schlemmer.
Niles: Is that turquoise inlay?
Frasier: Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx.
Niles: Onyx. Onyx is so showy. I don't...
Frasier: Oh, I don't think so. I love onyx, onyx is a stone that
resonates within me...

They argue like this for a few seconds, until:

Martin: This is why I never took any home movies. You two realize
what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't
even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God
there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless.
[exits]
Niles: [examining the toolkit] Oh! A lemon zester!
Frasier: Yes... You know Niles, I'd actually like to fix that toilet,
just to prove Dad wrong.
Niles: Frasier, when a man is born with superior genes, the last
challenge he should face involving a toilet is learning how
to use one.
Frasier: Yes, but we-we've conquered the intellectual world, but in the
world of nuts and bolts we're at the mercy of tradesmen.
Niles: You're serious?
Frasier: Yes! We could borrow some tools and fix it ourselves.
It would be good practical experience, and it would
shut Dad up.
Niles: We'll show him! We're made of tougher stuff than he thinks!
Frasier: Exactly.
Niles: And it's early. We can let the Eucalyptus wrap be our reward.

FADE TO:

IF YOU WANT IT DONE RIGHT...


Scene Three - Frasier's bathroom.
As you'd expect, it's the height of good taste. Frasier is pondering
a ball-cock while reading a "How to do it" manual, as Niles phones
Maris. (Of course Frasier has a phone in his bathroom!)

Niles: [on phone] Maris. I'm afraid I'll be delayed a few hours.
Frasier and I have taken it upon ourselves to tackle a home
repair. Yes, I'm working with my hands... Yes, I've worked up
a bit of a sweat... I suppose I could take my shirt off.
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: She seems to be getting aroused at my attempt at manual labor.
[on phone] Maris? I'm holding some sort of wrench...
Frasier: [taking phone] Give me that! [on phone] Hello, Maris? Maris,
Niles is busy now... No, never mind what I'm wearing. [hangs
up] May we continue, please?
Niles: Fine. All right. [starts reading out instructions] "Take the
ball-cock assembly, thread it through the t*nk hole.”
Frasier: Done.
Niles: "And fasten it under the t*nk with a lock-nut."
Frasier: Yes, very well, lock-nut. You see Niles, until today,
you didn't even know what a locknut was.
Niles: That Niles is dead. Call me Dutch.
Frasier: You know Niles, working with our hands like this, I'm reminded
of that glorious tradition of the Amish barn raising. All the
men of the village coming together, the mind, the muscle, all
toward that simple, yet extraordinary goal. [replaces the t*nk
lid] All right... we are ready to flush.

The brothers stand, and shake hands.

Niles: Here's to what the Crane brothers can accomplish when they put
their minds to it. Flush away.

Frasier flushes the toilet.

Frasier: It's working! Oh my God, it's working. Look, it's draining
out of the t*nk, into the bowl...
Niles: It's filling the bowl, and then the t*nk – oh, I've seen it a
million times, but never has it meant so much!
Frasier: It's glorious.
Niles: Frasier? Shouldn't it be stopping now?
Frasier: One would think so, yes.

The bowl overflows. The Crane boys panic. Frasier retreats while
Niles perches on the step of the bathtub.

Niles: Ohh, ohh!
Frasier: Ohh! [referring to instructions] Look it up. What does it say
to do now?
Niles: [flipping rapidly] It says - oh, it says nothing! Where are
all your Amish friends now?!

FADE TO:

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE


Scene Four - Living Room
Niles hands Frasier a glass of wine.

Niles: The plumber's been called, the wine is properly chilled,
suddenly my world makes sense again.
Frasier: We've had a tough day. We've tangled with a little pipe and
porcelain. Now it's Montrachet time.
Niles: When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to
fix that toilet ourselves.
Frasier: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
Niles: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that
plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss
Parton can then finance a national tour which will, of course,
come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough
money to send his cross-dressing teenaged son to us for $150-
an-hour therapy.
Frasier: [raises his glass] To the circle of life.

They clink glasses. The doorbell bing-bongs as Martin enters.

Frasier: That must be the plumber.
Martin: Well, are you going to answer that, or are you going to hire
somebody to do that for you too?
Frasier: Dad, we tried, okay?

The doorbell bing-bongs again. Daphne enters from the hallway carrying
a mop and wearing long yellow rubber gloves. She's obviously been
cleaning up the mess in the toilet.

Daphne: Oh please, I wasn't doing anything. Let me get it.

She answers the door to the plumber, Danny.

Danny: Somebody call for a plumber?
Daphne: Not nearly soon enough.
Martin: Follow me. [he and Danny exit to toilet]
Daphne: What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
Frasier: Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
Daphne: Yeah, well there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.

She exits to the toilet. Niles has suddenly become very agitated.

Niles: Frasier, you've got to get him out of here.
Frasier: What?
Niles: That man is not fit to touch your toilet!
Frasier: Niles, have you been self-medicating again?
Niles: That was Danny Kreizel.
Frasier: "Kreizel the Weasel?" How can you be sure, it's been twenty-
five years.
Niles: I'd recognize him anywhere. He bullied me throughout my
entire childhood!
Frasier: He certainly didn't recognize you just now.
Niles: Well, perhaps that was because he wasn't sticking my head down
a toilet and FLUSHING IT! That was his trademark. He called
it... a swirly.
Frasier: Niles, you don't have to remind me of the Kreizel reign of
terror. I'm quite convinced I can trace my fear of confined
spaces back to the time when his older brother Billy shoved me
into a locker, wearing a girl's field hockey uniform!
Niles: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to deny you your pain.
Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: [back to his own pain] I can still hear the laughter,
and Kreizel's mocking voice as he’d hoist me over the bowl.
"Hold your breath, Jocko!" Then the crowd would start its
awful chant. "There goes Crane, Down the Drain!" [starts to
bow over the armchair] "There goes Crane, Down the..."
Frasier: NILES! Niles, get a hold of yourself! Stop it! Stop, stop.
It's all right. You're no longer an awkward teenager, you're
a renowned psychiatrist. Danny Kreizel may have won a battle
or two back in junior high, but that's where he peaked. You
won the w*r. You know the expression, "Living well is the
best revenge"?
Niles: It's a wonderful expression. Just don't know how true it is.
Don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. “Ludwig,
maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks
vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well.”
Frasier: All right, Niles. [heads into the kitchen]
Niles: [follows him] “Whereupon Woton, upon discovering his
deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act
again by living even better than the Duke.”
Frasier: Oh, all right!

CUT TO: Frasier's bathroom.
Danny is fixing the toilet, Martin is keeping an eye on his work.

Martin: That's a new part, right?
Danny: Yeah.
Martin: 'Cause I'm sure you're charging me for a new part, so I
wouldn't want you charging me for a used part.
Danny: What are you, the plumbing police?
Martin: [exiting] I'll be back.

Niles enters.

Niles: Don't mind me, just came in for some aspirin. Tannic acid
gives me the tiniest headache. That's the price I pay for
drinking nothing but expensive wine.
Danny: [not reacting to jibe] Hey. [whistles to get Niles's
attention] You got a real mess here. I'm gonna have to call
the shop, have my partner bring out a whole lotta new parts.
You're looking at two guys on golden time, is that okay with
you?
Niles: It's only money. Hmph...
Danny: Say, uh, has somebody been trying to fix this thing?
Niles: Not me. I don't even set the clock in my Mercedes E320.
Danny: Boy, that's a nice car.
Niles: Yes, I should say it is.
Danny: Yeah, I had one for a while. But it was too small for the
whole family, so we upgraded to the S class.
Niles: You have the big Mercedes?
Danny: Oh, yeah. And I gotta tell you, my 13 year-old's already got
his eye on it. That's a great kid right there. Except he got
in a fight at school the other day.

He bows his head into the toilet.

Niles: Oh, really? [reaches out to flush the toilet] With some small-
boned child with superior language skills?

Danny looks up, causing Niles to pull his hand away and act as though
he were stretching.

Danny: Nah. It was some big jerk on the football team who tried to
steal his lunch money.
Niles: Ah.
Danny: Yeah. [bows his head in again]
Niles: Well, there's nothing like a bully.

He raises his foot to push Danny's head in, but Danny looks up again,
causing Niles to grab his foot and flex his leg behind his back, again
as if stretching.

Danny: Well, I gotta tell you, I'd rather he'd be a bully than one
of those wussy kids that always get picked on. You know
the kind I'm talking about? Kids who are too gutless to
fight back?
Niles: You admire someone who fights back, do you?
Danny: Well, sure. I mean, if you don't fight back, what are you?
You're a wuss, you're a wimp, you're a...

Frasier enters in time to stop Niles lunging at Danny.
Danny doesn't notice.

Frasier: STOP! Niles, leave the man alone while he's trying to work!

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene Five - Living Room
Niles angrily paces back and forth on the balcony. Each time he passes
by Frasier's ficus tree, he swats it with his hand. Frasier stands
inside, watching him. Daphne enters.

Daphne: What's Dr. Crane doing?
Frasier: He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do
something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
Daphne: I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.

Niles's arm waving gets more extreme, until he's wildly flinging
his arms about. Sensing something wrong, Frasier lets him in.

Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!
Frasier: Niles, you've had a chance to cool off. Are you ready to talk
about this now?
Niles: No, I'm not ready yet.

He goes into the kitchen. Frasier follows. Daphne looks through the
telescope, searching the park for the man with the Labrador.

Reset to: Kitchen.

Frasier: Niles, I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you.
Were you actually going to stick another human being's head
into a toilet?
Niles: [getting soda from fridge] You don't seem to understand,
I feel this RAGE! It's as if this BEAST has been awakened
within me! [he can't get the top off the bottle] Could you
get that for me?

He hands the bottle to Frasier, who easily opens it.

Frasier: Niles, you see, there is a beast in all of us. Part of
becoming a rational adult is learning to control it.
That's what separates us from the Kreizels of this world.
Niles: That and their tendency to squat on their haunches and groom
each other.
Frasier: Don't you see? You have an opportunity with Danny that I
never had with Billy. To confront him as a rational adult and
achieve some closure.
Niles: Easier said than done, Frasier. One look at that oafish face,
those dead Kreizel eyes, and you see there is no chance for
communication.
Frasier: Yes, there is, Niles. There has to be.
Niles: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his
back on me, I'll att*ck him again.
Frasier: No, you won't. You're not a child anymore. [taking Niles by
the hand] Now come with me, I'm taking you to the bathroom!

Reset to: Bathroom
Danny and his partner are still working on the toilet as Frasier
and Niles enter.

Niles: Excuse me sir, I'd like to have a word with you.
Danny: Yeah, go ahead.
Niles: I'd like to take you back in time to the 1970's. There was an
intellectually gifted young student at John Adams Junior High.
You took it upon yourself to terrorize that student, simply
because he was different from you. I was that student.
Danny: No kidding?
Niles: I was hoping we could step into the living room and come to
some sort of understanding.
Danny: It's okay with me. Any room in the house is still fifty-nine
bucks an hour. [drops a tool into his toolbox] I'll be right
back, Billy.

They leave. Frasier stays, the bile rising in his throat.

Frasier: Billy?

From beneath the toilet rises Danny's older, more heavyset brother
Billy.

Billy: Ah, that's my brother for ya. Always getting into stuff.
But if you ask me, your friend over there is getting
all worked up over nothing.
Frasier: You think so, Billy?
Billy: Kids pick on other kids, it's part of growing up.
If anything, it made those weak kids tougher.
Frasier: Really?
Billy: Come on, you're a big guy. You must have been involved in
some kinda stuff?
Frasier: Oh, I was involved...

For a moment Frasier wants to give in to his beast. Then he looks
back toward the hallway, remembering his advice to Niles.

Frasier: Billy, I would like to take you back in time...
Billy: [stands] No. Let me take YOU back. I remember once,
we jammed this poindexter into a locker, wearing a girl's
field hockey uniform! [laughs]

CUT TO: Living Room
Niles is standing sideways, presenting his profile to Danny.

Danny: No, I'm sorry. I just don't remember you.
Niles: Well, perhaps you'll remember third period gym class.
You used to make me wear my jockstrap like a tiara?
Danny: Oh, yeah! Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts
in an attaché case?
Niles: ...It was a valise.
Danny: I remember you. Boy, those were some crazy times. You ever
see any of the old g*ng?
Niles: Look, you're missing the point. I was severely scarred by
those experiences...
Danny: Hey, wait a minute. I can't defend everything I did back in
junior high, I mean who can? But let's face it, when you show
up at school wearing a tweed blazer with elbow patches and
carrying a valise, I mean, I think the guilt here is fifty-
fifty.

CUT TO: Bathroom
Billy is still enjoying the trip down memory lane.

Billy: He's yelling at us something about "repressed tendencies,"
so we stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants! We called
it... [thinks]
Frasier: [slapping a tube of toothpaste into his palm] A jet pack.
Billy: [howling with laughter] That's it! Man, you remember them all.

CUT TO: Living Room
Now Danny is seated on the couch while Niles is sitting on the edge of
Martin’s Chair.

Niles: Well then, my next question to you would be “Why would you
behave this way?”
Danny: Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess because people thought it
was funny.
Niles: I see, I see. So then, to get this validation, you would,
say, squeeze my head between your ankles and hop around the
lunch room?
Danny: I did that to you?
Niles: Yes. How does that make you feel?
Danny: ...Well, kinda bad!
Niles: The healing has begun!

CUT TO: Bathroom.

Billy: So, so in front of the whole bus, we pants him! He's yelling
at us, [squeaky voice] "Gimme back my pants!" But - whoops! –
they fell out the window!

He laughs again. By now, Frasier is literally shaking with rage.

CUT TO: Living Room.
By this time, Danny is lying on the couch.

Niles: So then it's possible these acts of aggression were misplaced
outbursts aimed at your father.
Danny: [almost in tears] Yes.
Niles: He was the real bully, wasn't he?
Danny: Oh, yes!
Niles: Let it out, Danny, let it out!
Danny: Nothing I ever did was good enough for him! [sits up] I am so
sorry that I picked on you, man. I just wanted to be good at
something, and I was good at that.
Niles: [puts his hand on Danny’s shoulder] You were the best.

CUT TO: bathroom

Billy: Then we made him hula in his underwear in front of all the
girls! [laughs and dips his head back in the toilet] You
shoulda been there!
Frasier: I WAS there! [lunges at Billy]

CUT TO: Lounge area.

Danny: Thanks. This has just been terrific for me.
Niles: I can't take all the credit. Half the thanks belongs to my
brother. He convinced me a civilized person can work anything
out, as long as he approach it in a calm, rational manner.

Frasier enters, running for his life.

Frasier: Run, Niles, run! The beast is loose!

Billy charges in, dripping wet and fit to k*ll. He chases Frasier
out the front door.

FADE TO:

Scene Six - Frasier's bathroom.
Frasier and Eddie watch as Martin fixes the toilet.

Martin: So you really shoved his head right in here?
Frasier: I don't know, Dad. It's all really sort of a blur. I guess
I just lost control.
Martin: Bet it felt good though, didn't it?
Frasier: No... it felt damn good.
Martin: [laughs] Ah, it's too bad you didn't do it twenty years ago,
you could have given him a much better swirly. These low-flow
toilets don't have the same velocity as the old ones. So what
did he do to you?
Frasier: He didn't have the nerve to do a thing.
Martin: You paid him off, huh?
Frasier: I've never written a check so quickly in my life.
Martin: [flushing toilet] Well, there she goes. Good as new.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Can I buy you a beer?
Martin: Oh yeah, sounds good. [gets up] Come on, Eddie.

They start to leave. Eddie runs to the toilet and drinks from
the bowl.

Martin: Oh, for God's sake Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet.
Some guy just had his head in there!

He and Frasier laugh as they exit.

End of Act Two.

Credits:

Daphne is using the telescope to search the park. She spots the guy
with the Labrador and rushes round the apartment, looking for Eddie
who is hiding. She decides to go to the park without him.