02x16 - The Show Where Sam Shows Up

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE

Scene One - KACL
Frasier is finishing his show. He is standing while he speaks into
the microphone.

Frasier: Well, that's our show for today. Don't forget - Bob "Bulldog"
Briscoe is up next. [Roz gestures for him to read a promo] Oh,
yes. [reading] This is KACL Cash Call Week. $5,000 if you
answer your phone with the phrase that pays. So when your
phone rings, don't say hello, say...

He looks up to see Sam Malone in the window.

Frasier: WELL, BLOW ME DOWN!!! Uh...no, no, no. Say, uh... KACL is,
uh... the talk of the town... talk of Seattle, whatever,
Bye-bye.

He goes off the air and gestures for Sam to come in.

Frasier: Sam, Sam! [they hug] Oh my God! Well, what are you doing
in town?
Sam: Uh, well actually I'm here interviewing for a job. The
Mariners need a pitching coach and they gave me a call.
Frasier: They did?
Sam: Yeah.
Frasier: I mean, that's great, but... [off Sam's look] well, come on
in.
Sam: This is all right? You're off the air?
Frasier: Oh, yeah, it's fine.
Roz: [entering from her booth] Fras, I gotta go. Your messages
are on my desk and... [sees Sam] whoa, who is this?
Sam: I'm Sam Malone. I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.
Frasier: This is Roz Doyle.
Roz: [to Frasier] So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked
about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them
like dirt? [to Sam] Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Sam: Well, you know, to tell you the truth I'm all right with the
city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier: Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine
wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads,
alerted to the scent. Good-bye, Roz.
Roz: Well, if you need any company, give me a call. [hands him a
card] Here's my number.
Sam: Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card.
Frasier: Yes, it glows in the dark.
Roz: So do I.

She leaves.

Frasier: So, uh, how's everybody at Cheers?
Sam: Oh, wow. Uh, well, let's see... you know that Rebecca finally
married that plumber?
Frasier: Yes, yes... it's ironic, isn't it? You know, she spends all
her energy trying to land some rich guy and she ends up with
an ordinary plumber.
Sam: Well, that ordinary plumber struck gold. He's got a patent
on some low-flow toilet thing. I mean, he's rich beyond her
wildest dreams.
Frasier: Well, heck, I'm happy for her.
Sam: Well, don't be - he dumped her. She's back at the bar.
Frasier: Working at Cheers again?
Sam: No, she's just back at the bar. Hey, you know, here's some
good news: Woody and Kelly, they had a baby boy.
Frasier: Oh, that is wonderful! [pauses] Is he...?
Sam: No, he's smart. He’s smart.
Frasier: Oh! Well, genetics takes a holiday, huh? [chuckles]
So, Sam, you want to continue this over some lunch?
Sam: Yeah, I'd like that.
Frasier: [as they walk out into the hall] So, are Norm and Cliff
still holding up the bar?
Sam: Uh, well, Norm is, but Cliff hasn't been in for a while.
Evidently, he read this article about flesh-eating bacteria
and he hasn't left his mom's house since. But, you know,
there's a good side to that, though, 'cause a lot of people
who haven't been around for a while are starting to come
back to the bar.
Frasier: Oh!

FADE OUT

MARTIN RISES FROM THE DEAD


Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment
Later that evening: Daphne is setting the table for dinner.

Martin: Hey, Daph, Sam was a major league ballplayer. Put out the
good china.
Niles: Oh, yes, and while you're at it don't forget the Limoges
spittoon.
Martin: Well, as far as I'm concerned, Sam Malone's the most important
person ever to set foot in this apartment.
Daphne: [taking up the plates] I don't understand this American
obsession with sports figures. They're all so superficial.
Martin: Yeah, it's not like they do anything real important like sit
on a throne or christen ships. [he calls out as he and Daphne
enter the kitchen] Hey, Niles, why didn't you bring Maris
tonight?
Niles: I'm supposed to ask Maris to spend an evening with a baseball
player? [chuckles] Why don't I just ask her to rub my
shoulders?

Niles exits to the kitchen as Frasier and Sam walk in the front door.

Frasier: Here we are, Sam.
Sam: Oh, wow, look at this. Man, you got quite a babe magnet
here.
Martin: [entering] Oh, Sam Malone! Hey, I'm Marty Crane, I'm one of
your biggest fans! [they shake hands] Yeah, I was at the
Kingdome the night you gave up four consecutive home runs. I
bet you remember that, don't you?
Sam: Well, actually I don't. You see, that was during my drinking
phase. Did I hit anybody? Did I hurt them?
Martin: No.
Sam: Oh, hey, then that was a good game!
Martin: Hey, Sam, this is my chair. You want to sit in it?
Sam: Oh... [he starts, then is clearly put off] yeah...
well, maybe later.
Martin: I'll keep it warm for you!
Frasier: Oh, Sam, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Niles: Pleasure to meet you. [shakes hands]
Sam: Yeah, you too. Wow... man, this is freaky. [to Frasier]
He looks just like you did when I met you. What happened,
huh?
Frasier: Wasn't exactly a health club you were running there, Sam.
[walks over to get a drink]
Sam: [to Niles] This is strange. I gotta tell you, I didn't know
he had a brother.
Niles: [glares at Frasier, then] Frasier, I don't mind telling you
I'm a little offended that in all the time you spent swapping
bon mots with the beer-nut set, you never once mentioned
you had a brother?!
Sam: Well, you know, the truth is, I bet he said something, it's
just that when Frasier gets going you kind of have to tune
him out.
Niles: That's a good slogan for his radio show - "Dr. Frasier Crane:
when he gets going, you have to tune him out."
Martin: Hey, what did he tell you about me, Sam? His father, the old
cop?
Sam: Oh, yeah, you I remember. Um, he told me you were dead.
Martin: [turns to Frasier, stunned] Dead?!
Frasier: Well, we had had an argument. You called me a stuffed shirt
and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam: You're a cop? [to Frasier] You told me he was a research
scientist.
Frasier: [off Martin's glare] You were dead, what did it matter?

Daphne enters from the kitchen, carrying some plates.

Daphne: Hello.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne... Daphne, this is Sam Malone. Sam, this is Daphne
Moon, Dad's physical therapist
Daphne: [enchanted] Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Martin: Daphne's from England.
Sam: [taking Daphne's hand] Yeah, boy, I've always been a sucker
for the English accent. No matter what you say, it always
sounds so classy and sophisticated.

Daphne response comes out as girlish giggles and flustered
gibberish.

Sam: See what I mean? It kills me every time. [Daphne reaches to
get a plate off the table] Hey, let me get that for you.
A pretty lady like you shouldn't spend her whole evening in
the kitchen.

Daphne giggles again as she and Sam exit to the kitchen.
Niles strides over to Frasier.

Niles: Is it my imagination, or is Sam flirting with Daphne?
Frasier: Of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everyone.
He can't help it, he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting
help for it in a support group.

From the kitchen, Daphne giggles and titters again.

Niles: Did he miss a meeting?!

The phone rings. Frasier answers.

Frasier: Hello? You'd like to speak to Sam? Um... [Sam enters from the
kitchen] well, who's calling, please? Sheila?

Sam, alarmed, holds up two fingers

Frasier: Um... yes, well, he's not here right now, but I'm expecting
him soon.
Sam: [whispering] No! Number two!
Frasier: [into phone] Uh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was mistaken.
He WAS here, but, uh, he left. Well, yes, I'll give him
the message. Thank you. [hangs up] I'm sorry, Sam, I'm a
little out of practice. So, uh, who's Sheila?
Sam: Just the um... woman I'm supposed to marry.
Frasier: Marry? When?
Sam: Uh, oh boy. Um, yesterday.
Frasier: Yesterday?
Sam: Yeah... I don't want to talk about it, Frasier.
Frasier: But Sam...
Sam: Fras, please? Just...

Daphne enters from the kitchen with a plate of food.

Sam: Oh, wow. Hey, something sure smells yummy here. [leans in
close to Daphne] Oh, wait a second, I think it's me.

Daphne dissolves into giggles as the scene FADES OUT.

Scene Three - Frasier's apartment.
Later that evening: Sam and Martin are chatting while Frasier and
Niles look on.

Martin: Come on, Sam, one more.
Sam: All right, let's see. Uh... 1949, Yankees, initials V.R.
Martin: Vic Raschi.
Sam: Oh, you're great. [to Frasier and Niles] He's amazing.
All you have to do is give him the city, the date and the
initials and he gets it every time.
Niles: That's very similar to a game Frasier and I play. [to
Frasier] I'll go first. 1962, Prague Philharmonic, viola
section, initials C.M.
Frasier: Czeslaw Milovicz.
Niles: Wrong, wrong, wrong! No, no, no--I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Milovicz was first viola the year before, but by '62 he'd
developed Rosin poisoning and was no longer able to pluck.
Frasier: Damn! That's a trick question!

Sam stares at them blankly as Martin rolls his eyes.

Martin: Well, I'm off to bed. [Sam helps him up from his chair]
Thanks, Sam. The chair's all yours! Come on!

With great trepidation, Sam sits in the chair and reclines back.

Sam: Oh, yeah... that's very nice.
Martin: ’Night, all. [exits]
Daphne: [entering from the kitchen] I'll be turning in, too.
Niles: Pleasant dreams.
Daphne: [chuckling] Well, no problem there. [exits]
Niles: Well, I guess I'd better be getting back to my Maris. If the
clock strikes twelve and she hasn't felt my kiss upon her
forehead she gets nervous. [puts on his coat] Sam, it's been
a pleasure meeting you.
Sam: Yeah, you too. Hey listen... if you want to really put a
smile on Maris's face let me tell you what you do.

He whispers in Niles's ear.

Niles: Exactly where am I supposed to find whipped cream and a car
battery at this hour?
Sam: You got neighbors, dontcha?

Niles checks the time on his watch and then leaves.

Frasier: Well, Sam, now that everybody's gone, there was something
I wanted to bring up. I just - what is it, what is it...
Oh yes, yes, I remember: what the hell do you mean you
were about to get married?!
Sam: [stands] All right, all right. Uh, well, I met this girl six
months ago and we were supposed to get married. And
yesterday I was standing in this church facing this minister
and I hear him say, "Will you take this woman to be your
wife?" and I said, "Who, me?" The next thing you know I'm
running down the aisle and I didn't stop running till I got
here.
Frasier: So, you're not in Seattle because of the Mariners?
Sam: Believe me, no ballplayer is in Seattle because of the
Mariners.
Frasier: All right, all right. Sam, let's have a seat here and start
this thing from the very beginning. [they sit at the dinner
table] Now, who is this woman?
Sam: Oh, she's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's
horny. I mean, she's just the kind of chick you want to stick
up on a pedestal.
Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and
demean in the same sentence.
Sam: What?
Frasier: Forget it, just...
Sam: Well, how do you think she found me here?
Frasier: Well, it's my guess, Sam, that you left a lot of clues as to
where you were because, basically you wanted her to find
you. I have a feeling that you actually want to marry this
girl.
Sam: Yeah? I don't know...
Frasier: Look, Sam, all that happened was you panicked. It's
perfectly natural. The wedding ceremony represents the end
of your old life.

Sam thinks about it, then smiles.

Sam: I tell you, man, she's one in a million, you know?
Frasier: You know, for most guys that's just an expression.

They laugh.

Frasier: You know, Sam, I have a feeling that you're finally
ready for a commitment like this. I think you ought to get
on that phone and call her.
Sam: What would I say to her, though?
Frasier: Well, just tell her you panicked and ran. Tell her the
truth. I mean, after all, honesty is the cornerstone of
a healthy relationship.
Sam: Hey, thank you. [they hug] You know, it's time I stepped up
to the plate and stopped acting like a kid. [picks up the
phone]
Frasier: Absolutely. Geez, the only question now is, will she still
take you back?

Sam laughs at the very idea. Frasier, realizing who he is talking
to, joins in the laughs and they high-five each other.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

A DIRTY LITTLE SECRET


Scene One - Cafe Nervosa.
Frasier, Roz and Niles are seated at a back table at the Cafe,
discussing Sam's situation.

Roz: She actually forgave him?
Frasier: Yes, yes... More than that, she's on her way here in a plane
right now. They're going to get married in Hawaii.
Roz: Same old story. Love triumphs over Roz.
Frasier: Oh Roz, don't be a sore loser, will you, please? Look,
I invited them here on their way in from the airport.
Niles: I remember my wedding day. Standing at the altar, feeling
faint, shaky, sweating. I remember Maris was so distraught
thinking I might have cold feet. I'll never forget how
relieved she was to learn that it was just a congenital
heart murmur that would plague me for the rest of my life.

Sam walks in with his fiancée.

Sam: Hey, everybody.
Frasier: Oh, Sam! [standing]
Sam: Here she is - the future Mrs. Sam Malone. Sheila, this is
Frasier.
Sheila: Hello, Frasier, it's nice to finally meet you.
Frasier: Sheila, likewise. Uh, this is Roz and Niles.

They all shake hands.

Niles: Congratulations.
Sheila: Thank you.
Sam: You want to sit down? I'll get us some coffee or something.
Sheila: No, actually Sam, it was sort of a long flight. I was hoping
maybe to go back to the hotel and freshen up.
Sam: Well, all right, whatever. [to Frasier] Hey, will you join
us for dinner about 8:00?
Frasier: Sure. Right... right.
Sam: Great. All right. Uh, well I guess we're off to
[suggestively] freshen up a little.

They exit. Frasier stares after them.

Frasier: Oh, my god.
Roz: Well, she was cute but she's not an, "Oh, my god."
Frasier: No, no, no. Not that "Oh, my god." Oh, my god, I slept with
that woman three months ago.

Niles and Roz both gape at him.

Roz: You slept with her?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!
Frasier: [glares, then] I was... I was in Boston for a long weekend.
[sits] I was feeling a little depressed, so I took solace in
the arms of a... a beautiful and remarkably welcoming young
woman in a hotel bar.
Niles: And that was she?
Frasier: No, Niles. I told you that for absolutely no reason
whatsoever. Of course it was she! Did you see the way
she ran out of here the minute she saw me?
Niles: Ah, yes. The trademark of all your bedmates. [pause] Wait a
minute. Three months ago? Didn't Sam say they'd been
together for six months?
Roz: [putting on makeup] Well, it looks like this horse race is
on again.
Frasier: Oh, put the w*apon down! [shuts her compact] Stop it, Roz!
Have you no scruples whatsoever?
Roz: You're the one who slept with your friend's fiancée!
Frasier: Well, I didn't know that at the time!
Niles: Surely you have to tell Sam about this.
Frasier: Oh, what, and ruin our relationship as well as theirs?! What
I've got to do is, actually I've got to speak to her first.
Hear her side of this story. I mean, after all, there are
hundreds of reasons why people have affairs.
Niles: Roz, you want to get us started? [she sh**t him a dirty
look]
Frasier: Niles. [puts on his coat] Well, there's got to be some
explanation. Maybe they stopped seeing each other for a
couple of weeks. Maybe Sam cheated on her and she was just
doing it to get even with him. Or, who knows? Maybe she
just found me completely irresistible.
Roz: Oh yeah, that's it. [chuckles]
Frasier: Oh, all right!
Roz: You struck gold there, Frasier!

Roz and Niles laugh as he storms out of the Cafe.

FADE TO:

Scene Two - Sheila's hotel room.
Later that evening: Frasier knocks on the door and Sheila answers.

Sheila: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Hello, Sheila. Good to see you again. [calling out]
Sam, you are one lucky guy!
Sheila: He's out getting our plane tickets.
Frasier: Oh, good. Look, you have some explaining to do, young lady!
Sheila: Okay, okay. Wine?
Frasier: No, thank you.
Sheila: Look... first of all, I know this doesn't excuse what I did,
but I had no idea that you were a friend of Sam's. I'm a
sexual compulsive. It's how Sam and I met - in group. Look,
that night I spent with you - I guess I just kind of fell off
the wagon. What I did was terrible. I felt awful afterwards.
It ended up being a kind of turning point for me. That's how
it is with addiction; before you can get better you have to
hit rock bottom.
Frasier: [insulted] Yes. Well... I'm glad I could be down there
for you.
Sheila: Listen, Frasier - I'm human, I made a mistake. Can you
understand that?
Frasier: Oh, of course I can understand, Sheila. And I sympathize.
[sits with her on the couch] I've had many patients that
share your affliction... although, to date you're the only one
I've met who can hit the emergency button of an elevator
with a stiletto heel.
Sheila: I want you to know that I love Sam and I'm going to do
everything I can to make this marriage work.
Frasier: Well, you certainly do seem sincere about this. I think, in
all good conscience I can support this marriage, but I want
you to know if you start to feel yourself slipping, here's
my number. [he hands her his card, which stuns her] No, no,
no... so I can help you as a psychiatrist!
Sheila: Oh! Thank you.
Frasier: Oh, and... I think it's probably best if maybe we don't tell
Sam about the two of us.
Sheila: Agreed.
Frasier: It's not that I have a guilty conscience or anything.

Sam enters.

Sam: I'm back.
Frasier: [leaping from the couch] Yaahh!!
Sam: You all right?
Frasier: Got a little charley horse, Sam.
Sheila: Did you get the tickets, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, I did. They're right here. [sits beside her]
Sheila: I'm so happy. By this time tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs.
Sam Malone. [they kiss]
Sam: Yeah... um, I want to talk to you about that. Um, Frasier
said something the other day that really stuck in my mind.
Frasier: Well, that's a first. What did I say?
Sam: You know, that thing about honesty being something...
of something... it was pro-honesty.
Frasier: Being the cornerstone of a good relationship?
Sam: Yeah, right. Well, that really stuck in my mind. Uh...to
tell you the truth, I haven't really been honest with you,
Sheila.
Sheila: What do you mean?
Sam: When we get married I want us to have a clean slate
sweetheart, you know? Boy, I hope you can forgive me for
this, but a few months ago, I had a slip. Actually, I had
two slips but they happened simultaneously so I'm counting
it as one.
Frasier: Was this after you were engaged?
Sam: Uh, actually, it was that night. [to Sheila] I'm... I'm so
sorry. Listen, it has not happened since and I swear to God
it will not happen again.
Sheila: Sam, I forgive you.
Sam: You do?
Sheila: Actually, I'm relieved, because I have something that I need
to confess to you. You're not the only one who... slipped.
Frasier: [nervous] You know... I think it's time you guys had a little
privacy. [gets his coat]
Sam: No, no. Frasier, you're responsible for getting us this far.
Now, we have no secrets. [to Sheila] All right. Who?
Sheila: Well, that's what makes it so tough. It was someone from
Cheers.
Frasier: Uh... you know, I just remembered. I parked in a loading
zone. I'd better...
Sheila: Sam, I slept with Paul.

This briefly stuns both Frasier and Sam. (Fans of “Cheers” who remember
Paul will understand why.)

Frasier: Paul? Short...
Sam: Bald...
Frasier: Fat...
Sam: Paul?
Sheila: I didn't say he was good. [gets up]
Sam: Well, you know - all right, I understand that. [gets up]
You were giving Paul a break or something, you know?
And I can forgive that. [to Frasier] This is what this
is all about, isn't it - forgiveness?
Frasier: Yes, yes. [on thin ice] Okay, you told one, you told one,
that's great, we're all even-steven! Let's go eat.
Sheila: There was someone else...
Frasier: [frantically upbeat] What, are we still on this?! Geez –
I mean, there is honesty and there's b*ating a dead horse!
Sam: It doesn't matter. I don't care. It doesn't matter who it
is.
Sheila: Yes, it does matter, Sam. I mean, this one is really
embarrassing. I was lonely, I was desperate and I'd just
been to the eye doctor and my pupils were dilated...
Frasier: Oh, Sheila, for God's sake! Look, I'll tell him.

Sam stands up to face Frasier.

Frasier: Sam, what's she's trying to say is...
Sheila: It was Cliff.

Sam is speechless, but Frasier looks relieved.

Sam: What?
Frasier: I believe she said "Cliff."
Sam: Cliff? Cliff... you? You slept with Cliff? CLIFF?! Oh no,
that's it, wedding's off! [storms off to a bedroom] Cliff -
oh, God!

He slams the door.

Sheila: Whoa... Frasier, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to
him.

Frasier sits down on the couch, still reeling from the news.

Frasier: I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?!

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Frasier's car.
That same evening: Frasier is driving Sam to the airport.

Sam: Oh, boy. It's gonna be a long flight home.
Frasier: Well, I know it was painful, Sam, but you made the right
decision.
Sam: Yeah, I suppose. [then:] Geez... Cliff!
Frasier: You're just using Cliff as the excuse. We both know there
were more compelling reasons for you to back out of this
thing.
Sam: Hmm... No, it was Cliff.
Frasier: You know, Sam, to put this thing aside once and for all, I...
Sam: Do you realize you're probably the only friend I have who
she didn't sleep with? [he eyes Frasier suspiciously]
Frasier: Cliff. [chuckles weakly] That is a tough one to swallow, huh?
But, you know the important thing is that you proved to
yourself that you're ready for a commitment even if Sheila
wasn't the one.
Sam: Yeah... I suppose so.
Frasier: You know, in a way we're both in the same boat.
Sam: Yeah? What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, you know... we've tried, we've failed. But we'll try
again. Sam, we're looking for a meaningful relationship.
Sam: Yeah, that's it. That's the word right there - "meaningful."
Frasier: We're gonna find it though, buddy. I tell you.
Sam: You bet we will. [pause] You know, stewardesses usually hang
out at that airport bar.
Frasier: That says meaningful to me.

They chuckle good-naturedly and Sam claps his hands in excitement as
the scene fades out.

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

Frasier is alone in his car after presumably dropping Sam off at the
airport. He is obviously still in shock from the evening's events as
he keeps repeating "Cliff?!" over and over. He shakes his head in
disbelief.