Scene One - Cafe Nervosa.
Frasier is seated at the table by the bookshelves. Niles enters.
Frasier: Ah, Niles.
Niles: Hello. Is it just me, or are the sidewalk Santas getting
Frasier: Well, tomorrow is Christmas. I suppose they might be
expecting a little downturn after that.
Niles: [to waitress] Cappuccino, please. [to Frasier] So? When does
Frasier: In six hours and twenty-one minutes. Not that I'm the least
Niles: Yes, I'm sure he's excited too. First Christmas at daddy's.
I imagine he has visions of sugarplums dancing through his
Frasier: No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets, he's probably got visions
Niles: Well, I've got my own reasons to celebrate. Maris and I may
be together again, by the new year.
Frasier: [supportively] Oh, really Niles?
Niles: Yep, yeah. I called this morning to arrange the delivery of
her Christmas gift, and she said the only gift she'd accept
from me was an abject apology.
Frasier: Going to cave into her, aren't you?
Niles: Au contraire. I told her I was not about to apologise, and
from that point on, the respect in her voice came through
loud and clear. No small feat, considering at the time she
was speaking at the time through the hole in her massage
The waitress brings over Niles's coffee as Roz arrives.
Frasier: Oh, hi Roz.
Roz: Hey. [to waitress] Double espresso, please. This last-minute
Christmas shopping is killing me. I never know what to give
the men in my life.
Frasier: Since when?
Roz: Ha, ha. Funny man.
Niles: [to waitress, handing over his credit card] Excuse me, I'll
take care of this.
Frasier: Oh, thank you Niles.
Roz: What's new, Niles?
Niles: I have been keeping it under wraps but, Maris and I have
Roz: [feigning shock, badly] Oh, my God! I had no idea. I can't
believe no-one told me. This is such a surprise!
Frasier: [can stand no more] That's enough, Talulah. You're not
The waitress comes over with Niles's card and a pair of scissors.
Waitress: I'm sorry sir, your card didn't clear. I have to do this.
She cuts the card in half.
Niles: Wait, wait! What are you doing?
Waitress: [hands the pieces to Niles] The computer said "credit
cancelled by order of co-signatory."
Frasier: Maris has cancelled your credit card.
Roz: Whoa, Merry Christmas!
Waitress: Would you care to use a different one?
Niles: There's no point, they're all in her name. [he gets his phone
and dials a number] I'm calling her right now and demanding
the restoration of my credit card. And my bank accounts.
[realizes the phone is dead] And my phone service!
Scene Two - KACL
Frasier is taking a call. There is an office party going on outside
Bob: [v.o.] Doc, I'm at the airport, and I'm having a lot of
trouble getting on the plane.
Frasier: Now Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than
on the ground.
Bob: That-that's not it. I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark
for Christmas, but the flight the next gate over has a flight
to Maui. I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc.
Frasier: Why are you hesitant to go home?
Bob: Because it's the same thing every year. I travel three
thousand miles to sit down at the dinner table with my
family, and what do we talk about? What's going on in out
lives? No. Our hopes and dreams? No. We talk about the
turkey. "Boy, that's quite a bird." "Twenty-four pounder."
"What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven,
Frasier: "Oh boy, that's moist. You must have been basting that bird
Roz: "Are those walnuts in the stuffing?"
Frasier: "Oh god, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven." I guess
what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same
gravy boat. But you see, the important thing is that we
spend time with our loved ones. Just think how you'd feel
if you woke up tomorrow morning six thousand miles away from
Bob: Well, I tell ya, that really puts it in perspective, doc.
I got a plane to catch.
Frasier: Mele Keleke Maka, Bob. We'll be right back after these
Roz comes in from her booth.
Frasier: Oh, Roz. What did they say, what did they say?
Roz: Oh, relax. Frederick's flight is still on time, he'll be
here in less than three hours. Oh, and the florist called,
you can pick up your wreath on the way home.
Frasier: Oh, fabulous. You know, every year Dad puts that kitschy
creature with the lightbulb nose on the door.
Bulldog enters, his arm in a sling. He's wearing an elf's hat with a
sprig of mistletoe hanging from a spring over his head.
Bulldog: Hey, great party. Best one ever, thanks to me. I hired a
stripper! Doc, you will never guess what her name is -
Frasier: What are the odds?
Gil enters, slightly tipsy, also wearing an elf's hat.
Gil: For those of you who have not yet sampled the punch, here is
my capsule review: vile bouquet, unwholesome colour, ghastly
taste - and a kick that is simply heaven.
Roz: [trying to get rid of Bulldog and Gil] OK, 30 seconds,
Frasier. [to Gil and Bulldog] Out!
Frasier: All right people, out, out, please.
Bulldog: [indicating the mistletoe] Hey, Roz. You know what's over my
Roz: Almost any clever remark? [Gil bursts out laughing]
Bulldog: What's she mean by that?
He and Gil leave.
Frasier: Oh, listen Roz. I know you've got a plane to catch and the
traffic to the airport is probably very bad, so in the spirit
of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early,
Roz: You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas
fables again, aren't you?
Frasier: Yes, I am. Be a lot easier without you sitting over there
sticking your finger in your throat.
Roz: Right. Merry Christmas. [They kiss and hug]
Frasier: Merry Christmas, Roz.
Roz: Say "Hi" to Frederick.
Frasier: Yes, and say "Hi" to your mom for me.
Roz: Will do.
She leaves. Frasier turns on the mike and takes a script out of his
Frasier: Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know,
every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate
the spirit of the Christmas season.
He notices the employees in the hallway have formed a conga line.
Frasier: So without any further ado, I give you "The Story of Olaf,
the lonely little goatherd."
He plays a tape of barnyard noises. Bulldog and Gil sneak in via
Frasier: "Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd.
He had no family, and no playthings, so to amuse himself,
one day he carved a little wooden flute."
Bulldog and Gil come into Frasier's booth. They proceed to garnish
him in tinsel and lights. He ignores them.
Frasier: "A flute that he used to play during the long, lonely
evenings. And the tune it made was very lovely, and all
the people in the village below could hear the pure,
glorious sound..." [hits cough button; to Bulldog] This
is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to
Bulldog plugs in the lights, making Frasier glow. They laugh.
Frasier lets go of the button. Gil leaves the booth.
Frasier: "One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music, and
while that boy had all the toys in the world, he was jealous
of this little goatherd's flute."
Bulldog tries to burn Frasier's script with a cigarette lighter.
Frasier: "So one dark- [blows out Bulldog's lighter] -night, one dark-
[blows it out again] -windy night..."
Bulldog leaves the booth.
Frasier: "The merchant's son stole his precious instrument, but when
he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he
smashed the flute to bits."
Bulldog and Gil return with Candy, a woman unrecognizable as such
under a Santa costume and thick white beard.
Frasier: "When the little goatherd came down the mountain the next day,
and saw his flute was broken..."
Candy whips off her belt and jacket to reveal a fur-lined bra.
Frasier: YIKES! [starts ad-libbing] "He might have said that..."
As he hastily tries to reach the end, Candy begins to dance nearer to him,
taking off her glasses and whipping off the beard with a flourish.
Frasier: "But instead he forgave the merchant's son. And the wealthy
merchant adopted the little goatherd, and..."
Candy rips off her pants, revealing a garter belt and lacy underwear.
Frasier: OH, MAMA! – "he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife..."
Candy throws off her Santa hat and white wig, revealing a mane of
blond hair, and starts kissing Frasier's cheeks and playing with
the tinsel on his head.
Frasier: "And somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning of
Christmas." This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly
blessed and forgiving holiday.
He goes off the air. With magisterial dignity, he stands up and removes
the tinsel and lights from his head. As he packs his briefcase, Gil and
Bulldog look disappointed, while Candy sits sulkily on the edge of the
Frasier: There now, you see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful
performance aside, this just proves the power of my
message cannot be stayed.
He goes to leave the booth, but suddenly stops and drops his briefcase.
Frasier: Oh for God's sakes, what am I, a robot?
He goes back to Candy and kisses her passionately, bowing her over
the console. Gil and Bulldog laugh.
Frasier: And to all a good night. [leaves]
IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN
Scene Three - Hallway
Frasier emerges from the lift with his wreath to meet his father hanging
Rudolph from the door.
Frasier: Hi, Dad. Ah, [taking Rudolph down] I'm going to put this
wreath up here.
Martin: What's the matter with Rudolph?
Frasier: Well Dad, you know, I just think that Christmas decorations
should be understated and tasteful.
Martin: Boy, I can't get one thing that I want.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where
it might lead.
They enter the apartment.
Reset to: Living Room
Martin leads Frasier in. Frasier stops dead. It is full of the most
garish decorations ever. Think of Hamley's toy store, at Christmas.
Frasier is nearly in tears.
Frasier: Oh, God... it's my childhood Christmases all over again. Only
now Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings."
Martin: Oh, don't be such a Grinch.
Frasier walks past a life-sized robotic Santa.
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho!
Martin: It works when you step on the mat. [steps on it]
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho!
Martin: It can say "Ho, Ho, Ho", "Merry Christmas", or "Happy
Frasier: Yeah, well I hope it can say "Geronimo" because I'm going to
throw him off the balcony!
Martin: Well, I don't care what you think, it's not for you, it's
Frasier: God, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love this stuff
when I was six. By the time I was seven I started to have
questions. When I was eight I started spending a lot more
time at the Bernsteins.
Daphne comes out of the kitchen carrying a cake tin.
Daphne: Well, I'm off to Joe's parents' house.
Frasier: I see you've been busy in the kitchen.
Daphne: Yes. I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a
still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Martin: Who gets to lick the bag?
Daphne: No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd
soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash.
As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we
knew dessert was ready. [She moves towards the door, stepping
over the Santa mat] You know, to this day the smell of
burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye, Merry
Christmas. [she leaves]
Frasier: Merry Christmas.
Martin: You know, someone's got to go back down to the storeroom,
there's still something missing.
Frasier: You must be kidding, Dad. My God, this place couldn't look
any more ludicrous.
Eddie comes in. He's wearing a Santa hat and bib. The doorbell chimes.
Frasier goes to answer it.
Martin: Once I saw how those white hairs on his chin looked like a
beard, the rest of the idea just fell into place.
Frasier open the door for Niles.
Niles: Hello, Frasier...
He sees the apartment decor and gapes for a moment.
Niles: I know, I know - "Shut up, we'll hurt his feelings."
Frasier: So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?
Niles: No, but! - I had an epiphany. I realised, cutting off my
funds is Maris's way of saying, "I love you!"
Frasier just stares at him.
Niles: She always uses money to get what she wants; ergo, this is
proof she wants me back! What do you think? [walks past
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho!
Frasier: I think Santa's said it all for us.
Niles has noticed Eddie's getup.
Niles: Dad, you have to get out more. You've started doing old lady
Martin: It's for Frederick!
Niles: [humouring him] Oh, of course it is. Oh, that reminds me,
I don't want to impose, but may I ride with you to the
airport to pick up Frederick?
Frasier: Of course you may, Niles. [picks up a large box] Just have
to wrap up his presents first.
Martin: So what did you get Freddie?
Frasier: [opening box] Well actually dad, I ordered him the toy
catalogue, from the special section called "Gifts for the
Gifted." I got him the junior astronomy set, and the
geology lab - oh, and a fabulous thing called the "Living
Brain." You get to paint each lobe a different colour, then
you stuff it inside the Living Skull.
Martin: Hey, you know what kids really like? They've been advertising
it like crazy on TV. It's great. The Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.
Its head lights up and it shoots death rays out of its eyes.
[Frasier glowers at him] Yeah. A little like that.
Frasier: Listen Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes. He's
precocious, he needs to be challenged.
Martin: Oh, challenge him the other 364 days. One day out of the
year, indulge him. Let him be a kid.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of
toys he'll like to play with are... [He looks in the box]
A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! [he
grabs the delivery note] This is for a Franklin Crane from
Kenibunkport. God, you realise what this means?!
Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your "Living Brain."
Frasier: No. It means I don't have anything for Freddie. [gets his
coat] God, I wanted everything to be so perfect. Now he's
going to have a horrible Christmas.
Martin: It's all right, listen, it's OK. There's a big toy store in
the mall. They're open late tonight. Just don't worry about
Frasier: Well, that's easy for you to say, Dad.
He throws on his coat and scarf, and Niles follows him to the door.
Frasier: My God, it's Christmas Eve, the gifts I ordered are three
thousand miles away, my son is due in an hour, and on top
of it all I have to go to a mall!
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho!
Niles: [as Frasier turns] Oh, don't look at me, he said it.
END OF ACT ONE
A MALL AND THE NIGHT VISITORS
Scene Four - A Toy Shop in the Mall
Frasier and Niles enter. They can barely move through the crowd.
Frasier: Niles, customers are marauding through here like a pack of
feral dogs. Did you see that woman? She practically
knocked me over on her way to the escalator.
Niles: Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who
tried to mace me?
Frasier: That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do.
Now listen, we've got five minutes. We've got to find a
Niles: Oh well, good luck.
Frasier: All right, we'd better find something ourselves, I guess.
They start to browse. Niles picks up a strange-looking red helmet
with comedy goggles on it.
Niles: Well hey, hey. This looks amusing.
Frasier: Niles, may I remind you we're looking for something
Niles puts it on; the goggles cover his eyes.
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh, it has buttons.
He starts playing with the controls. A red light on top of the helmet
lights up and starts rotating.
Niles: What's it doing?
Frasier: It's flashing. Niles, please remember that Freddie tested
in the highest percentile for cognitive skills and deductive
Niles presses more buttons. The helmet lets out a beeping noise.
Niles: What's it doing now?
Frasier: It's beeping, for God's sake! And as much as I'd like to
inflict this on Lilith, I'm looking for fast and educational,
Niles presses another button, and a jet of water from the helmet
Niles: [laughing] I wonder what else it does?
Frasier: Let's see if it protects your head!
He whacks Niles round the side of his head. As Niles gets up,
something else catches his eye.
Niles: Ooh, here's something. Look at this, look at this.
Frasier: Oh, God.
Niles: It's called "Ecto Goo." [he picks up some green slime]
Frasier: Oh well, that sounds vaguely scientific, but what could he
possibly learn from that?
Niles: [who's having trouble controlling the goo] Well, for starters,
he can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store. [finally
manages to drop the stuff]
Frasier: Let's see, I'll just have to remember what I ordered from
the catalogue and look for that. First, the "Living Brain."
Kid: [who's been standing beside Frasier] Living Brain? What kind
of dork wants that?
Frasier: With any luck, the kind of dork who'll be operating on your
Niles: Frasier, Frasier, Frasier. [points to top shelf] Look, look,
look, there it is. It's up on the shelf, it's up on the
Frasier: Oh, marvelous. [climbs up to get it]
Niles: Oh, Lord. It's covered with dust.
Frasier: The brain is dusty. Could there be a clearer metaphor? [the
box is empty] Oh, Lord. There's nothing in it.
Woman: Can I have it? [takes the box]
Frasier: It's an empty box, Ma'am.
Woman: I know, but I can put my son's Robo Geek in it. You know how
scared he'll be when he thinks he's getting something this
Frasier: [to Niles] Oh God, this is hopeless. We'll never find
anything for Frederick.
Niles: Oh, Frasier. Just give him a cheque.
Frasier: But Niles, you can't give a cheque to a child.
Niles: That's what I'm giving him. It has a stagecoach on it.
Frasier: Niles, Maris cancelled your account.
Niles: [realising] Damn!
A man walks in carrying a bag with the logo "Young Minds."
Frasier: Oh, look. Look at that man's bag. "Young Minds." [to man]
Sir, excuse me, is this store [indicating bag] in the mall?
Frasier: And it's educational toys?
Man: Mmm-hmm, nothing but. It's just a couple of doors down.
Frasier: Yes! Petunia, there is a Santa Claus.
Man: No, they closed a half hour ago.
Frasier: Damn. [going through the items in the bag] Look, this is
perfect, look a chemistry lab, and a picture puzzle and...
[to man] You know, my son comes in, in half an hour and I've
absolutely nothing for him.
Niles: [checking watch] He'll be in, in 22 minutes if he picks up
a good tailwind.
Man: You ahh, you really need this stuff bad, don't you?
Frasier: Oh, you have no idea, it would save my life.
Man: I'll tell you what. Seeing as how it's Christmas...
Frasier: Oh, God bless you, sir.
Man: A thousand bucks.
Frasier: What?! A thousand bucks?
Man: Hey, take it or leave it.
Frasier: Well, I mean, there's just no more than a hundred dollars
worth of things here.
Niles: "Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our descent into
Man: I'm just trying to do you a favour here.
Frasier: Well, it's some favour.
Niles: "Please make sure your tables and seats are in their full
and upright position."
Frasier: Shut up, Niles! All right, all right, lets see what I've
got here. [goes through pockets looking for money] All right,
I've got, ahh... Here's three hundred dollars. Would you-
would you accept a personal cheque for the rest?
Man: Hey, it's Christmas.
Frasier: Oh, bless you, bless you so much. Very well, thank you.
Niles, give the man a cheque.
Scene Five - Frasier's apartment.
Martin is there. Frasier comes in from the bedrooms.
Martin: Where's Freddie?
Frasier: Putting on his pajamas. Told me he would come in and say
goodnight after he brushes his teeth.
Martin: So how'd you do?
Frasier: [puting Frederick's presents under the tree] Well, I didn't
get exactly what I'd ordered, but I think I did all right.
I got him a microscope, a chemistry set, and a five thousand
piece puzzle of the Great Wall of China.
Martin: Well, maybe he'll have fun with the boxes.
Niles enters carrying a large box.
Niles: Dad, here you go, this is the last box from the storeroom.
[puts box on coffee table]
Niles pulls out a truly weird item: a pair of fake legs encased in red
pants and ending in black boots.
Niles: Now, was this what you were looking for?
Martin: Oh, yeah. Santa's legs for the chimney, you remember these
Frasier: Oh, yes. Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares the
year I found them under your bed.
While Martin sticks the legs into the chimney, Niles finds a small box
in the bottom of the big one and opens it.
Niles: Frasier, isn't this the smoking jacket you gave Dad a few
Martin: What? Hey... [feigning innocence] How did that get in there?
Frasier: [looking through box] Dad, these are all of the gifts I've
given you for the last six years.
Martin: Hey, c'mon now, shut the- put 'em back. Close the box,
Frasier: Dad, look at this. My God, they're still in the original
boxes, never been worn.
Martin: Sure they have.
Frasier: Oh, yeah. [showing him a tie] This one still has the tags
Martin: Look, this isn't the kind of conversation we should be having
on Christmas eve.
Frasier: No, Dad? Well, what was it you wanted to say?
Martin: Well, you know Frasier, you're always giving people things
you think they should like, instead of things that they
really like. I mean, come on - [picks up the smoking jacket]
In your entire life, have you ever seen me wear anything
Frasier: Well, no. I thought you might like a change.
Martin: Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember? I wanted
you to love baseball. I wanted to get you a bat, glove,
everything, for Christmas. But you had your mind set on
a microscope, so that's what I got you.
Niles: And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole
time looking for rodent hairs in your hot-dog.
Martin: I'm just saying Christmas isn't the time you try to mold
somebody, which is what you're trying to do with Frederick.
Frasier: I think I know what's good for my own son.
Frederick comes in.
Frederick: I brushed my teeth, Daddy.
Frasier: Oh, that's my boy. Come on. [he picks Frederick up]
Frederick: Bonsoir, Uncle Niles.
Niles: Et toi aussi.
Martin: Hey, you'd better get to sleep, or Santa won't come.
Frederick: OK. I know just what Santa's bringing me this year, Dad.
Martin: [aside] I bet you don't.
Frederick: Yes I do too. It's an Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.
Frasier: What makes you think that?
Frederick: Because I asked Santa for it in my letter. They are sooo
Frasier: Ahh, listen ahh, Frederick, there's erm... [Frederick runs
towards the bedroom] Frederick, where are you going?
Frederick: I'm going to make myself fall asleep right away, so the
next thing I know, it'll be morning. Goodnight, Daddy.
Frasier: I'll come in and tuck you in, in a minute.
Frederick: Goodnight, Grandpa. Goodnight, Uncle Niles.
Niles: Goodnight, Frederick. I'm going to go home and go to bed
Frederick: I hope Aunt Maris comes out of her coma.
He goes to bed. Frasier and Martin look at Niles.
Niles: He asked where she was, I thought the truth would just upset
him. I'll see you in the morning. Merry Christmas.
Martin: See you tomorrow.
Frasier: Well, this is turning out to be quite a Christmas.
Martin: Oh, it's going to be fine.
Frasier: Done it again. Gotten everyone the wrong gifts. What is it
about me? [getting present from under tree] Well, here, you
might as well open your gift now. No reason for everyone
to be disappointed tomorrow.
Martin: Hey, I'm sure I'm gonna love it. [he opens the gift]
Frasier: I doubt it. Not exactly my night.
Martin: Hey! A robe! Great, I love it!
Frasier: No, you don't. It's not a robe, it's a dressing gown.
Noel Coward would love it, but it's not you.
Martin: [putting it on] Hey, I love Noel Coward!
Frasier: Dad, you're overcompensating.
Martin: Some people are hard to buy for, I'm sorry. But, you know,
you are too, I never know what to get you. Here. [puts
present in front of Frasier] You might as well open this
Frasier: [opening present] Yeah. Guess it was easier when I was
small. 'Cause kids always know what they want, don't they?
Martin: Yeah, yeah. It's rough for adults.
Frasier sees what's inside the box.
Frasier: [almost crying] Oh, Dad...
Martin: Merry Christmas, son.
Frasier: How did you know? It's jut what I always wanted: My very
own Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.
Frasier: Oh, Dad - oh, oh, listen, are the batteries included?
Martin: In the box.
Frasier: Oh, Dad! [hugs him again]
End of Act Two.
Martin tries to take Eddie for a walk, but Eddie refuses to move
until the Santa get-up has been removed.