Scene 1 KACL
Frasier is doing the show and signs off for a commercial break.
Roz comes into the booth.
Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane. We'll be right back after this.
Roz: OK, after this spot we're gonna come back in 15 seconds,
you do a station ID and then toss it to the news. I'll
count you down.
Frasier: That won't be necessary. I have a built in mental stopwatch.
As a child playing "Hide and Go Seek" I was the only one who
didn't need to say, "One Hippopotamus Two Hippopotamus."
Roz: Frasier, I've heard you. You're always either talking into
the news or running short.
Frasier: I am not!
Roz: [taking money out her pocket] I'll bet you 20 bucks you blow
Frasier: All right, you're on.
Roz: [looking at the clock] No, you are.
Roz runs back through to the booth. Frasier starts the show again.
Frasier: Hello, we're back. This is Dr. Frasier Crane tuning in for
our second hour on the "Dr. Frasier Crane Show." In our
first hour we covered everything from anorexia to xenophobia.
What will be next? As always of course that's entirely up to
you. So stick around the Doctor is in and he's listening.
[Frasier finishes, proud with himself until he realises he's
forgotten a part and tries to rush it in] Ooh, this is KACL
The news cuts in over him and he throws down his headphones in
disgust. By this time Kate Costas has walked into the studio.
Kate: That was very smooth.
Frasier: Thank you.
Roz: [collecting her money off Frasier] Oh, let's see. One Andrew
Jackson, Two Andrew Jackson...
Kate: Look Frasier, I've been getting a lot of complaints from
sponsors saying that their ads are getting buried in huge
Frasier: I see.
Kate: So instead of having four blocks per hour we're going to have
Frasier starts to daydream about Kate and the time he was in the studio
with her grappling on the desk. Kate continues to talk over his
Kate: ...only they're only going to be half as long. I thought it
might help you. And you want to stay on top, don't you,
Frasier snaps out his daydream.
Frasier: Of course, very much so, yes!
Kate leaves through one door whilst Roz comes in through the other.
Roz: Frasier, what was that?
Frasier: What was what?
Roz: Call me crazy, but when you were talking to Kate you had this
goofy little teenage look on your face. If I didn't know
better, I'd swear you got a thing for her.
Frasier: For Kate?
Roz: Mmm-hmm. Look at you. You're flushed.
Frasier: I had Mexican for lunch. It's not lust it's a Chimichanga.
Roz: Frasier, I'm sorry but I'm never wrong about these things.
Frasier: Have you lost your mind?
Roz: Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong.
Frasier: [looking Roz in the eye] Roz, you're wrong. [he turns away
at the last minute]
Roz: Oh my God. I'm sitting on a powder-keg here. You've got a
crush on Kate!
Frasier: Stop it. Everybody knows you are the biggest gossip in the
entire station. You'll be sworn to secrecy.
Roz: I swear I won't tell anyone.
Frasier: No, it doesn't count until you shake my hand.
Frasier puts out his hand.
Roz: [shaking his hand] Oh, all right.
Frasier: Roz, Kate and I...
Roz: Oh my God! Kate's "Dirty Girl"!
Roz goes hysterical and tries to wrench her hand free, but Frasier
won't let go of it.
Roz: Kate is the woman you had s*x with on the air in this booth
and you were calling "Dirty Girl"? Oh my God! I just need
Frasier: Alright. Of course it happened months ago. Only a couple of
Frasier: Our relationship started out so antagonistic. Then suddenly
it just spilled over into passion. Intense, romantic,
Roz visualises the studio with Frasier and Kate. Kate is standing in
front of Frasier looking at him. Frasier takes down his trousers and
waddles towards Kate before falling flat on his face whilst trying to
reach out to her.
Frasier: ...the whole thing's over now, but Roz, you will say nothing,
absolutely nothing... Roz? Roz?
Roz snaps out her daydream looking slightly disturbed.
Roz: Boy, I'll never do that again!
Scene 2 Frasier's apartment
Niles and Daphne are in the kitchen together. Daphne is grating a
carrot whilst Niles looks on.
Niles: I notice you're grating that carrot at a 45-degree angle.
Does that enhance the flavour?
Daphne: No, no. Just an old habit.
Niles: Ah! And why exactly did you choose to grate carrots?
Daphne: [getting annoyed] Because we have carrots!
Niles: I hope you don't mind all the questions. It's just now that
I'm separated I'm going to have to learn to cook for myself.
Daphne: Quite alright. Tell you what. Why don't you grate while I
put the chicken in?
Daphne squeezes past Niles towards the oven. Niles enjoys the
"experience." He then examines the grater.
Niles: Thousands of little metal teeth able to tear the flesh right
Niles goes to grate the carrot but grates his finger instead. He pulls
back in pain and knocks Daphne who drops one of the chickens, which was
to go in the oven. Niles checks himself for blood.
Niles: No, no, false alarm. Normally I bleed like the Russian royal
Family, but not today.
While he's been talking Daphne has picked up the chicken that was lying
on the floor and put it back on the tray. She sticks a toothpick in
it, which Niles notices.
Niles: Interesting. You put a toothpick in that chicken. Now, is
that to check when it's done?
Daphne: No, no. I'm just marking which one is yours. Dr. Crane,
would you mind setting the table?
Niles: Oh, certainly. Just give a yell if there's anything else that
you need to have grated.
Daphne: You've done enough grating for one night!
Niles walks through to the living room to see Martin sitting at the
Niles: Writing a letter?
Martin: [sarcastic] No, I'm writing my memoirs!
Niles: I'll take that as a Yes.
Martin: My old army buddy.
Niles: [examining the letter over Martin's shoulder] You know that's
the improper use of a hyphen.
Martin: Somehow I don't think Maurie Dingman will mind.
Niles: Then I'm sure he won't notice that missing comma and that
run-on sentence. Although this is a particularly glaring
error. It's best not to end a sentence with a preposition.
Martin does some scoring out and writing in before handing the
letter to Niles to be "marked". Niles examines the letter.
Niles: Not to be technical, but "Off" is a preposition too!
Frasier walks in.
Frasier: Evening all.
Niles: Good news. I have tickets for the symphony tomorrow night.
Are you free?
Frasier: Well, actually no. I have a date.
Martin: With who?
Frasier: Some woman I met at my accountant's.
Martin: Yeah, when I was in the service first thing I'd do when I
hit a new port was go straight to an accountant and find out
where the action was.
Frasier: I must admit I'm having a little trouble working up my
enthusiasm about it. It's not the woman's fault. It's just
that I find myself preoccupied with somebody else right now.
Well, frankly, it's gone a bit beyond preoccupation. I'm
having fantasies about her all the time.
Martin: Well there's nothing wrong with that. You know, when I first
met your mother she was so upbeat and bouncy I used to
fantasize about her wearing a skimpy little cheerleader's
outfit, shaking her pom-poms...
Frasier and Niles protest loudly for Martin to stop.
Martin: Grow up you two! I'm just saying it's perfectly natural.
I can't tell you the number of times I was on a stake-out
in the cold picturing your mother in front of a warm fire
wearing nothing but a...
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. One day your mother and I went on a church
picnic and the two of you came floating down the river in
little wicker baskets!
Niles: Was that so hard?
Frasier: You know, I'm beginning to wonder if I have real feelings
for this woman? I mean I think about her all the time.
Daphne walks in from the kitchen.
Daphne: Ooh this sounds interesting. Who are we talking about?
Frasier: Kate from the office.
Martin: Oh, "Dirty Girl." She seemed nice.
Frasier: She is nice. Intelligent, accomplished.
Daphne: Well, if you think so much of her why don't you ask her out?
Frasier: Well, we agreed we wouldn't pursue things. Frankly, she
hasn't given me any indication since that she's even had a
second thought about me.
Niles: Added to which, if Frasier did pursue her and she rejected
him, he could hardly rationalise it by saying she doesn't
know what she's missing. She would know exactly what she's
missing - she just didn't miss it!
Frasier: [staring daggers at Niles] Thank you, Niles!
Daphne: You can't let fear of rejection stop you Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Well, you know Daphne, it's just not that easy really. Maybe
I'm letting this romantic fantasy run away with me. Truth is
we don't really know each other very well and, if she did
reject me, I'd end up going to work every day feeling like a
Martin: [sniffing the air] Hey, am I getting a whiff of chicken here?
Frasier: [annoyed] Oh fine Dad! Frankly I've had enough of you and
your adolescent wisecracks. I am not "chicken." I am just
merely hesitant. I will ask her out tomorrow. Fine. I hope
that makes you happy! [he storms out the living room]
Martin: I just thought I smelled dinner!
THE CITY WITH BROAD, BARE SHOULDERS
Scene 3 KACL
Kate is standing, waiting for the elevator. Frasier joins her.
Frasier: Oh Kate. Hi. There you are. I wanted to talk with you.
Kate: I'm just going down to the Billing department.
Frasier: I'll ride along with you. [both get in the elevator] You know,
it seems every time we speak lately the conversation always
leads to ratings, commercials, demographics...
As Frasier continues to talk, Kate starts to daydream about grappling
with Frasier on a bed.
Frasier: ...hirings and firings, promotions, demotions, the odd
skirmish over the expense account. It just seems all so
dry and impersonal. [looks at the control panel] Did I hit
the right button?
Kate: Oh, yes! [snaps out of it] Yes. Yeah. You did. You did.
You hit the right button. I'm sorry I've got a lot on my
Frasier: Yeah, so do I. Kate I wanted to ask you
Kate: Frasier, I'm leaving KACL. I'm moving to Chicago.
Kate: Yeah. I'm taking over a station there. In fact I'm going out
on the "Redeye" tonight. I thought, given our history,
I should tell you first.
Frasier: [shocked] Well, I'm at a loss for words.
Kate: Wouldn't you know it on the day I'm leaving?
The lift stops and Kate gets out.
Frasier: Well congratulations. This is a big step for you.
Kate: Thanks. Boy, this was not an easy decision believe me.
You never know if you're leaving a place too soon.
Frasier: All I know is that for the time you've been here I've
certainly enjoyed having you. [Frasier realises what
he just said and tries to apologise] Having you...
Kate: I know. I guess this is goodbye.
Frasier: I suppose so. Goodbye, Kate.
They go to kiss but are interrupted and pull back. Kate heads off,
leaving Frasier looking sad in the elevator.
End of Act 1
Scene 1 Frasier's apartment
Frasier is adjusting his shirt and tie for his date. Daphne is sitting
at the table.
Daphne: My. Don't you look dashing?
Frasier: Thank you.
Daphne: So, tell me about this woman you're going out with.
Frasier: Well, her name's Donna. She's an art director. Or a park
director I forget.
Daphne: Look, I know you're upset about Kate leaving but cheer up.
There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those
questions you ask. "What's your favourite food?" "What's
your favourite colour?" "If you were to come back as an
animal, what sort of animal would you be?" If she were to
ask you that one, what would you say?
Frasier: "Cheque please" comes to mind!
The phone rings and Martin picks up.
Martin: Hello? Niles, no one was mean to you last night. No, if you
want to come over, that's great. Yeah, we'd love to see you.
The doorbell goes and Frasier answers. It's Niles.
Frasier: Hey Niles.
Martin: No traffic?
Niles: Dad, you sounded lonely so I rented some movies.
Martin: Oh, didn't you know the VCR is broken?
Niles: No subtitles this time!
Martin: Oh, that's right, I got it fixed. What'd you bring?
Niles: I have "The Way We Were" and a classic, "Casablanca."
Daphne: Oh, I just love that movie. Is there any more heartbreaking
moment in all of film than when Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid
Bergman to get on that plane with Victor Laszlow even though
Bogey loves her? What an ending!
Niles: Well, there goes my need to finally see that one.
Frasier: He cares deeply for her and yet he lets her go. Wonder why
Bogey did that?
Niles: Why don't we put the movie in and find out?
Daphne: Because Laszlow needed her by his side to fight the Nazis.
Martin: Forget the Nazis. No man in his right mind would give up
By now Niles has both fingers in his ears trying to drown out the
Daphne: Oh sure! Sacrifice the entire free world for a little
Martin: Look, I don't like Nazis any more than the next guy but what's
Ingrid going to do with Laszlow?
Daphne: You're missing the point. What makes the movie so romantic
is seeing Bogey go from a cynical playboy to a noble self-
Niles: [throwing the videotape away in disgust] Oh why don't you
just put on some trenchcoats and act it out?
Daphne: I'm telling you, if you're in his shoes you've only got one
Martin: I'll say you do. You get the hell down to the airport and
tell her to get off the plane.
Daphne: She's going to Lisbon to fight the Nazis!
Frasier: [grabbing his raincoat and heading for the door] No, she's
not. She's going to Chicago to turn a Country & Western
station into an all-talk format.
Martin: Where are you going?
Frasier: To stop Kate from getting on that plane!
Martin: Well your date's gonna be here in a minute. What are we
supposed to tell her?
Frasier: Oh, I don't know. Tell her I'm visiting a sick friend or
something. Better yet just tell her the truth. Sometimes
two people just aren't meant to be together.
Daphne: Ooh it's just like Redford and Streisand at the end of
"The Way We Were."
Niles: [throwing the second videotape away] And that's another one
Scene 2 Kate's Apartment
Frasier knocks on Kate's door and she answers.
Frasier: Don't say anything. Just listen. Kate, this afternoon I
wanted to say something to you but when I found out you were
leaving I held back. Well, I'm not holding back any more.
I can't stop thinking about you. Not just about the times we
made love but about the possibility that we might have a
future together. Now if there's any part of you that wonders
the same thing about me, we owe it to ourselves to see it
through. You see, if you get on that plane tonight you'll
regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and
for the rest of our lives. Anyway I think I made my point.
What do you think?
A man (Tony) walks up from behind Kate from in the apartment.
Frasier: [surprised] More importantly, what do you think?
Frasier skulks away.
Scene 3 Frasier's Apartment
Niles, Daphne, Martin and Donna (Frasier's date) are all sitting
watching Niless videos.
Martin: Aw, for God's sake, you've been bawling the whole movie.
Niles: I have not my eyes just itch!
Frasier walks in.
Frasier: Well, it turns out Bogey was right to let her go.
Martin: Frasier, what are you doing here? Look, Donna stayed to
watch Casablanca with us.
Frasier: Donna, hi.
Donna: Hello, Frasier. How's your friend?
Martin: In the hospital?
Frasier: Oh, he's doing much better actually. They're thinking of
sending him home tomorrow.
Donna: After a heart transplant?
Frasier: Well, he's with an HMO! So... er... what do you say we have
Donna: Great, I'll just grab my coat.
Donna goes off to get her coat. The doorbell goes and Frasier answers.
It is Kate.
Kate: OK; now you listen to me. I was so touched by what you just
said at my apartment. You said everything that I've wanted
to say to you for the last two months. Tony's just a guy
that I went out with a couple of times. He just came over to
say goodbye to me before I went to the airport. When you saw
him you just looked so hurt...
Donna appears from behind Frasier.
Donna: You had a date with her tonight too?
Kate: ...but apparently you rebounded! I'm sorry. I thought you
were sincere. [heading off towards the elevator] Hold the
Frasier: Kate! I was, Kate! This woman means nothing to me.
Donna: Thanks a lot!
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Donna. I'm truly sorry. It was very
inconsiderate, but that woman means a great deal to me.
I'm sure you'll hate me, but I just gotta do what I gotta
Frasier heads out after Kate leaving Donna in the apartment.
Martin: I'm really sorry about this.
Daphne: Why don't you stay and watch the end of the movie.
Donna: Thank you, but I've spent quite enough time in this house
Donna leaves angrily and meets Frasier standing outside the elevator.
Frasier: Well... this is lucky. We can ride down together.
IT'S HARD TO SAY GOODBYE IF YOU WON'T LEAVE
Scene 4 The Airport
Frasier rushes into the departure lounge where Kate is waiting.
Kate: Frasier! [she hugs Frasier]
Frasier: Oh my God. I know you're upset. I don't even care about that
woman. She's just a blind date I didn't even want to go on.
I wanted to be with you tonight.
Kate: I know. I overreacted. I've been standing here for a half
an hour hoping you'd come. I never thought you'd come.
Frasier: I can't believe I waited so long when all I had to do was
Kate: Listen, it's not your fault. I could have said something.
Frasier: [kisses her] Well it doesn't matter. We're together now.
Attendant: Your boarding pass, please?
Frasier: [letting people go ahead in the queue] Go ahead. Go ahead.
[to Kate] Couldn't you just stay one more night? Just call
them. Tell them you'll come in tomorrow.
Kate: I can't. I can't. I have a board meeting in the morning.
Frasier: Oh damn. All right I'll call you. Where are you staying?
Kate: I'm staying at The Drake. But, you know what? I'll call
you. I'll call you the minute I get in.
Attendant: Ma'am, we're closing the doors.
Frasier: Goodbye. I'll miss you.
Kate: I'll miss you.
Frasier and Kate kiss goodbye and Kate heads off to the plane.
As she closes the door behind her a message comes over the
Attendant: Ladies and Gentlemen. I just spoke with our captain and
we're having a little technical snag. So Flight 487 to
Chicago will be delayed indefinitely.
Kate comes back out the door and rushes into Frasier's arms.
Kate: I missed you!
Frasier: I missed you too! The minute that door closed I started
praying for something bad to happen to your plane.
Kate: It's just like fate like somebody's willing us to get
Frasier: I felt that way since the moment I met you.
Kate: Me too. Why don't you come with me tonight?
Frasier: I gotta work. I could come out next weekend.
Kate: Oh, yeah. Oh, great. You know what, you can meet my twin
sister. She lives in Chicago.
Frasier: You've got a twin?
Frasier: Wow. You know there's so much we don't know about each
Kate: Well, ask me. Ask me anything.
Frasier: Er... oh, I know. What's your favourite colour?
Kate: Blue. What's yours?
Frasier: Arctic silver. It's available on all the big BMW's.
Kate: Where's your favorite city?
Frasier: Paris! Museum?
Kate: The Prada! Musical?
Frasier: Candide! Yours?
Frasier forces a smile but doesn't look too impressed.
Kate: Well I love cats. I have a cat. Would you like to meet
Louie? [she points down towards the cat box she has with
Frasier: No, no. Allergies. Allergies. Cats. Not really much of a
Kate: Oh, really? Oh, no. All right, we'll work around that. You
Know, what we can do when you come out? We can go jogging
around the lake. Oh Frasier, the lake is so beautiful. Do
you ever jog?
Frasier: Once. In a dark parking lot. When a truck backfired.
Kate: Oh, all right. We can do something that you like. What do
you like? What do you like?
Frasier: Well, we could go antiquing.
Kate: You know what? I'm not one of those people for whom
"antique" is a verb.
Frasier: Ah! Well, this is all good. The contrasts between us will
make our relationship more vibrant.
Kate: Vive la difference!
They both laugh nervously. Suddenly Frasier starts sneezing.
Kate: [pointing at the cat box] Louie's getting to you, isn't he?
Frasier: No, no. It's all right.
Kate: Well, you know, if this is really gonna be a problem there's
Frasier: Yes and I understand they're completely humane! [Kate
stares at him in horror] Oh, you meant an allergy shot, didn't
Scene 5 Still in the airport
Frasier is sneezing uncontrollably. Kate looks on.
Kate: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Frasier. I'm just afraid that if I
move Louie any further away they're gonna think he's a bomb!
Frasier: It's all right. It's all right. So... er... you were saying
that you love animals?
Kate: Oh yeah. I think that's one of the main things that motivates
me to work so hard. I've always had this dream to get a ranch
in Montana you know? To ski in the morning and ride horses
in the afternoon? I just always wanted to raise horses.
Frasier: Wow, life on a ranch raising horses. I always pictured myself
in a penthouse raising children.
Kate: You still want more children then?
Frasier: Yes. You like kids?
Kate: Oh yeah. I love kids. I don't see myself mothering one,
Frasier and Kate both look downhearted as they realise they're not
Kate: [heading for the desk] You know, just to be on the safe side
let me just check to see if there's another flight?
Frasier: Yeah, it couldn't hurt.
Kate: Excuse me is there another flight to Chicago tonight?
Attendant: Not until morning.
Frasier: How about on another airline?
Attendant: [checking the computer] American has one connecting through
Atlanta leaving in 10 minutes.
Kate: Atlanta's good. That's a hub.
Attendant: Yeah, but they're way on the other side of the airport!
Kate: Oh damn. I'll never get there.
Frasier: [noticing an electronic buggy nearby] Look Kate fate to
the rescue once again. [speaking to the driver as they both
get on] Sir this woman has to get across the terminal
Driver: Hey pal, this'll go a lot faster with just one person.
Frasier: Good point. [kisses Kate goodbye] Bye. [realises they are
never going to see each other again] Pity, though!
Kate: Isn't it?
Frasier is left standing in the departure lounge and notices Louie
still in the cat box sitting there. He picks up Louie and heads out
Frasier: Well, Louie. This looks like the beginning of a beautiful
End of Act 2
Niles, Daphne, Martin and Eddie are still in the apartment. Niles is
watching the video whilst Martin and Eddie are asleep and Daphne is
asleep on his shoulder. Niles tries to reach out for his drink but is
restricted by Eddie on his lap and Daphne on his shoulder. He leans
forward, trying no to wake Daphne, but ends up spilling the drink all
over the carpet.