04x01 - The Two Mrs. Cranes

ACT ONE

Scene One - Apartment
It's breakfast time in the Crane household. Frasier sits reading the
newspaper as Niles precariously sits, picking bits out of his muffin
with tweezers and placing them neatly on his plate. After a while,
it begins to irritate Frasier.

Frasier: Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: This fruit-nut muffin contains a number of things I don't care
for. Currants, a husk of something... [flicks something off]
Away, wrinkly thing.
Frasier: You know, if you and Maris ever reconcile, I'm gonna miss
these tranquil mornings - I reading my newspaper, you
tweezing your muffin!

Daphne and Martin enter through the front door, with good news.

Martin: Hey, boys. I got a letter from one of my old army pals, Bud
Farrell. The whole platoon's getting together next weekend
on Rattlesnake Ridge.
Frasier: Oh, good for you. Speaking of old chums, Daphne, a Clive
called for you a little earlier.
Daphne: [worried] Clive?
Frasier: Mmm-hmm.
Daphne: Did he sound British?
Frasier: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives! He said he'd
call back.
Daphne: I bet he will!
Martin: Oh, boy! [sitting down:] I can't wait to see the old gang!
Niles: Oh Dad, you're not thinking of driving all the way to
Rattlesnake Ridge? It's five hours away, you know how
your hip stiffens up.
Martin: No problem, they said I can bring a guest! So, who's the
lucky one?
Frasier: Well, by my count, two of us get to be lucky!
Martin: Come on, they're great guys - Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom,
Jim. Of course his name's not really Jim, we call him that
because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank
"Bud," because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love
these guys!
Niles: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it! Anyway, I have
a conference that weekend.
Daphne: And I have my friend Megan's birthday party.
Martin: Fras?

The phone rings.

Frasier: Oh, please let that be Megan needing a clown for her party!
Daphne: [answering phone:] Hello? Oh, Clive! Yes, it has been a
long time, hasn't it? Oh, I am sorry, I have dinner plans
tonight. Well, maybe just a drink then. Say, 6:30? Me too.
Bye. [phone down:] Oh, hell!
Niles: So who is this Clive?
Frasier: An ex-boyfriend?
Daphne: Worse! Ex-fiancé.
Niles: You were engaged?
Daphne: For years! We were mad for each other. He was very sweet
and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw!
Niles: But-?
Daphne: Oh yes, that too! I just couldn't see a future with him.
I mean, the man was a total layabout. No ambition, no drive!
He couldn't hold a job. All he wanted to do was tinker about
with his car. His fingers were always black from the motor
oil.
Niles: What a brutish habit! If God intended for me to work on my
Mercedes, he wouldn't have given me Horst.

He leaves to the kitchen.

Daphne: I had to break it off! But I had to bring him down easily,
so I said if we were still free in five years, we could try
again! And here he is, right on schedule! [Niles re-enters:]
Well, what do I say to him?
Frasier: Well, be honest, tell him what you feel.
Daphne: And break the poor thing's heart all over again!
Frasier: No, it's the best way to avoid unnecessary anguish. Case in
point: Dad, I do not have plans for next weekend, but I don't
intend to spend it with Budweiser and Boilermaker and their
liver-damaged friend, Seltzer!
Martin: Well, that's fine. There'll be other reunions.
Frasier: [to Daphne:] See? No evasions, no inconvenient conferences,
just simple honesty!
Martin: But I don't suppose Jim'll make it next time. Says here he
just had his third bypass. But I'll see him this June.
Frasier: [getting up] Off to work!
Martin: Unless I go first!
Frasier: All right, I'll drive you to your stupid reunion!
Martin: Thanks, son.

Frasier goes to his room.

Martin: I guess I'll leave it a couple of days before telling him
about Stinky needing a ride.

FADE OUT

NEXT IN THE REPERTORY,
"COSI FAN TUSHY"

Scene Two - KACL
Frasier is doing his slot. He is in the middle of his conclusion
for the day.

Frasier: And in closing, this goes out to Keith, the narcoleptic I
spoke to a bit earlier. I'd be glad to resume when you feel
a bit more alert, but in the meantime I suggest you reconsider
applying for that air traffic control position. This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, KACL, 780 AM.

Gil Chesterton enters Frasier's booth.

Gil: Brilliant show, Frasier. Chock full of pithy insight.
Frasier: What do you want?
Gil: A favour. Bonnie Weems, the Auto Lady, just asked me to
another one of her wretched dinner parties. Well, I was
planning on saying that you and I have ballet tickets,
so do back me up.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, I can't!
Gil: But you've got to. Have you any idea how vile her food is?
The local raccoons have posted warning signs on her trash bin!
Frasier: Well, you see, she already invited me, and I told her I
promised my father I'd drive him to his army reunion at
Rattlesnake Ridge.
Gil: Oh, very clever. Well, I'd use it myself, but I killed my
father off to escape her Labour Day clambake.

He leaves, whilst Roz enters from her booth.

Frasier: Er, Roz, listen, I'm going to the opera tonight. You didn't
happen to remember to bring my...
Roz: Oh, your opera glasses! I'm so sorry, they completely
slipped my mind.
Frasier: I wouldn't really mind, if you hadn't borrowed them to ogle
that bodybuilder that moved in across the street.
Roz: Hey, just once or twice. It's not like I copied his name off
his mailbox, so I could look up his number and call him while
he was in the shower, so I could watch him cross the room naked
to answer the phone in front of the picture window. That would
be wrong.
Frasier: Look, I want them back. I refuse to squint through Pagliacci
while you're trying to watch The Magic Flute!

He leaves.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Apartment
Later, Frasier is playing the piano in his apartment.

Daphne: [o.s.] Dr. Crane, I need your opinion on this outfit.
I wanted something that said "no romantic signals
whatsoever."

Daphne enters wearing a long woolly cardigan, which covers up
everything.

Frasier: Well, short of a cactus corsage, I think you've captured it.
You know, Daphne, it's been five years. It's an awfully
long time to carry a torch. Maybe he just wants to say
hello.
Daphne: Oh, I certainly hope so. The thought of having to reject
the poor thing again is more than I can bear.

The doorbell rings.

Daphne: Oh dear, it's him. Anything between my teeth?
Frasier: No.
Daphne: Is there any spinach in the fridge?
Frasier: Just answer the door!

Daphne opens the door to a grinning Niles, ready to intervene.

Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, I was afraid you were Clive!
Niles: [acting:] Oh, Clive? Clive? [he "realises":] Oh, Clive.
Is that tonight? Oh, well don't I feel silly bringing over
this 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle.
Frasier: I'm sure Daphne doesn't want us horning in on her reunion.
We're going to dinner!
Niles: Well, can't we order in? I've already assembled one kitten
and two yarn balls!
Frasier: [takes the jigsaw away] I'm getting my jacket!

The doorbell goes again. Daphne answers it, while Niles watches.

Frasier: Niles, for God's sake, will you give them some privacy?

He exits to the hall, while Niles exits to the kitchen. Daphne
opens the door to Clive - a handsome, athletic, boyishly naive
Cockney.

Clive: Hello.
Daphne: Hello.
Clive: Look at you, you look wonderful.
Daphne: Oh! Go on.
Clive: I mean it. Very pretty and warm. So...
Daphne: So...

They hug, but Clive makes a hotch potch.

Clive: Oh my God! I've got a spot of axle grease on your sweater.
Daphne: Oh, it's all right, really. It's just a ratty old thing.
Please, come in. [he does] Same old Clive, I see.
Clive: I suppose so.
Daphne: So, what brings you to Seattle?
Clive: [turns around] My undying love for you. Oh, damn!
I meant to lead up to that, sorry.
Daphne: No, it's all right. Just a bit...
Clive: Abrupt. No "how are you, nice place you have here" - by the
way, it is lovely. Is that the, uh, Space Needle? [goes to
the window]
Daphne: Clive...
Clive: Super. Anyway, I remember what you told me five years ago.
I thought my feelings might change, five years is a long time.
But...
Daphne: Clive...
Clive: Let me finish! My feelings for you haven't changed. I think
about you every day, every night, and there comes a time in
a man's life when he's got to sum up the courage to look at
a woman straight in the eye and say...
Niles: [entering with a bowl:] Cheese Nips? I'm sorry, is this a
bad moment?
Clive: Well, actually...
Daphne: No, no, not at all. This is my very dear old friend, Clive
Roddy. Clive, I'd like you to meet Dr. Niles Crane... my
husband.

Niles drops the bowl with a clatter.

Clive: Your husband?!
Daphne: [putting her arm through Niles's] Yes, six months next week.
Clive: Well, don't I feel a bit... [to Niles] Congratulations,
you're a very lucky man.

Niles gives a giddy little laugh.

END OF ACT ONE (Time: 9:24)

ACT TWO

A SWELL OF COUPLES

Scene Four - Apartment
The situation resumes.

Clive: Six months? Well, you two are practically newlyweds.
Daphne: Yes, we're still at that honeymoon stage. It's sickening,
really. [kisses Niles]
Niles: Revolting! [kisses her back] Positively stomach turning!
[He tries to kiss again but she pulls away]
Clive: I should be going.
Niles: No! I mean, we are so enjoying having you here.
Daphne: I did promise you a drink.
Clive: Oh. Well, I suppose I could stay for a bit.
Daphne: Oh! [to Niles:] Darling, would you give me a hand in the
kitchen, please?
Niles: Certainly, my angel.

Niles follows her in, where she starts to pour drinks.

Daphne: Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry. It seemed the kindest way to let
him down. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position.
[opens fridge and bends over to get something from the bottom
shelf]
Niles: When it comes to you, no position is... [turns round, coming
face to face with her backside] too awkward.

Frasier enters the living room, meeting Clive.

Frasier: Oh hello, you must be Clive.
Clive: Yeah, and you are?
Frasier: Dr. Frasier Crane. [shakes hands]
Clive: Oh, Niles's brother.
Frasier: Yes. You met Niles?
Clive: Just now. Though I used to know his wife quite well.
Frasier: Really, you know his wife?
Clive: She's one of a kind, that one.
Frasier: Isn't she? [laughs with him]
Clive: Certainly can light up a room.
Frasier: Oh yes, usually by leaving it!

He laughs, but Clive looks confused and offended at this. Niles
and Daphne enter the living room, shocked by the disaster that's
unraveling.

Niles: Frasier!
Daphne: Clive! I see you've met my husband's brother.
Clive: Yes. I'm not intruding on some family occasion, am I?
Daphne: [now in Niles's arms again] Oh, no! Frasier lives here.
I mean, temporarily. He's…
Niles: Had a spat with his wife... Maris.
Clive: Sorry to hear that.
Frasier: Yes, me too. You know, Daphne, I'm parched, could you show
me again where we keep the wine?
Daphne: Of course. Could you spare me a minute? [begins to leave]
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh! [stops her] Wait, you have to pay the love
toll. [she kisses him] Too much, here's the change. [kisses
her back]

Daphne drags Frasier to the kitchen.

Niles: [to Clive, giddy] Can you stay for dinner?

Meanwhile, Frasier is arguing with Daphne in the kitchen.

Frasier: I told you to be honest! But would you listen? No!
Now instead you subject us to this ridiculous charade.
Daphne: Play along, please. I swear, one drink and he's out the door.
Niles: [entering:] He's staying for dinner.
Frasier: What?!
Daphne: Well, how did that happen?
Niles: He just sort of invited himself. Pretty damn cheeky if you
ask me. [Frasier gives him a look of disbelief]
Daphne: Oh, dear God!
Niles: Obviously he still has hopes of winning you back. We must
keep these signs of affection as realistic as possible.
Frasier: [interrupting:] Psst!

Niles leaves.

Daphne: Oh, what will I serve? Do we still have that lasagna?
Frasier: Daphne, you don't expect me to endure an entire evening of
this nonsense!
Daphne: [searching the fridge] Just do this for me. And anything
you want, name it. Anything, it's yours.
Frasier: Anything?
Daphne: [realizing, turns around] Except Rattlesnake Ridge!
Frasier: [shrugs and calls] Oh, Clive!
Clive: [o.s.] Yes?
Daphne: [whispering] All right, I'll take him!
Frasier: Lasagna all right for dinner?
Clive: Super.
Daphne: I'm warning you, one thing goes wrong and the whole deal's
off.
Frasier: Nothing can go wrong. We just have to stick to our stories
and avoid any complications.
Martin: [o.s.] Oh, I see we've got company!

Frasier and Daphne look at each other, horrified. They rush out
to greet him.

Niles: Dad!
Frasier: Dad!
Daphne: Dad!

Martin, emerging from his room, looks confused.

Daphne: Clive, I'd like you to meet my new husband's father.
Frasier: [takes him coat:] Or, as we sometimes say in this country,
Father-in-law.
Clive: I'm Clive Roddy. [shakes him hand.]
Martin: Yeah, Marty Crane. Somebody tell me...
Niles: [interrupting:] Oh Daphne, we've been so remiss. We haven't
given Clive the tour.
Daphne: Oh yes, quite right! This is the living room.
Niles: No, I think he'll be more interested in the master bathroom.
[covering up:] The shower being so large and Manchester being
so rainy.
Daphne: Right this way. [she leads him off to the bathroom.]
Niles: Oh, you forgot to pay the toll.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Never mind.

Daphne drags Clive offstage.

Frasier: [to Martin] Now go away!
Martin: What the hell for? What's going on here?
Frasier: Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend; she's trying to let him
down easily, by pretending to be married to Niles.
Niles: So this is my place. Frasier is staying here temporarily,
because he's separated from Maris.
Martin: [to Frasier] You couldn't stand her either, huh?

Martin & Frasier laugh, while Niles looks miffed.

Niles: That's very amusing.
Martin: Do I still live here?
Frasier: Yes, of course you do, but I think for this evening it would
be best if you just excused yourself. You see, it involves
quick thinking and improvisational skills, and a knack for
remembering details.
Martin: Oh, I never used any of those skills as an undercover cop.
Niles: Please don't be offended-
Martin: [sits down] No, I'm not offended, my two sons have just
said I've got oatmeal for brains.

Daphne and Clive enter with yet more complications.

Clive: So, Daphne tells me that you two are both psychiatrists.
Frasier: Yes.
Clive: Fascinating. Are you a psychiatrist as well, Marty?
Martin: Me? No, I'm retired.
Clive: What did you do?
Martin: [looking evily at the Crane boys] I was an astronaut.

This causes Niles and Daphne to nearly faint onto the couch.
Frasier turns round in sudden disbelief.

Clive: Really! And you actually flew space missions?
Martin: Yeah, a couple. Me and Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin - you
know, it was me that gave him his nickname "Buzz," You know,
most people think it's 'cause he flew fast. Not true! He
was scared of bees.

The doorbell rings. This has to be the most hilarious part of the
episode. There is no dialogue, just a silence of disbelief. We just
know who it's going to be.

Frasier: Wh-Who is it?
Roz: [o.s.] Open up, Frasier, it's me.
Martin: What do you know, it's Maris!

Niles and Daphne turn on Martin with faces of mixed fury and panic.
He just smiles at them. Frasier slowly opens the door.

Roz: [with opera glasses in hand:] Here are your stupid opera
glasses. Are we friends again?
Frasier: Darling!

He throws his arms around Roz and and kisses her cheek.
She looks bewildered.

Frasier: [whispering in her ear] You're Maris!
Roz: What?
Frasier: [whispering in her other ear] We're married!
Roz: What?
Frasier: Just play along!
Clive: Well, their little tiff's over.
Frasier: Maris Crane, this is Mr. Clive Roddy.
Clive: It's a pleasure!
Roz: [overcome by Clive; saucily:] It certainly is. So, how long
will you be in Seattle?
Frasier: Uh, Cupcake? [taking her away] Well, if you'll excuse me,
we could do with a moment alone. Come with me, darling.

Roz and Frasier go out onto the balcony.

Niles: So, now you've met the whole Crane clan!
Clive: Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname
still is Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates; it's Moon-
Crane.
Martin: I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane.
I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquillity.

Niles and Daphne sit down on the couch next to Clive. Niles places
his hand on her knee.

Niles: So Clive, what do you do?
Daphne: Still mucking about with cars, I see. [points to some axle
grease on his hand]
Clive: Oh, my hands? No, I helped a man change his tires on the way
over here. Don't have enough time as I used to, what with my
business and all.

Daphne gives a horrified look, Niles is more horrified.

Daphne: Your business?
Clive: Well, after you left I remembered the advice you gave me,
and it all made sense.
Daphne: What advice?
Clive: Well, you know, "get a job you lazy git," that sort of thing.
So I took a few business courses and opened up a little
sporting goods shop. Next thing you know I had three of them.
Daphne: [to Niles:] Well, isn't this ironic! [removes Niles's hand]
All these years I've nagged him to make something of himself.
[forcefully, "Stop the Act!!!"] And now look at him, a captain
of industry, and still as handsome as ever.
Niles: Yes, well, send in the clowns!

Roz and Frasier enter from the balcony.

Niles: Don't bother, they're here.
Frasier: Well, bad news, it seems my Maris has to run off, she's got
a previous engagement.
Martin: Oh, forget about your engagement, Maris. Stay for dinner!
Frasier: Well, actually...
Roz: [broad smile:] I'd love to.
Clive: Lovely, we can celebrate you two being reconciled.
Roz: That is still tentative, it could go either way.

Daphne looks appalled at Roz, as if to say "leave off!"
Eddie runs in and jumps onto a chair.

Clive: Hello there, what's his name?

Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz and Martin look at each other blankly
for a moment.

All: EDDIE!

FADE TO:


Scene Five - Apartment
We resume after dinner. Martin is telling one of his wonderful space
stories from his bank of fairy tales.

Martin: So there I was, floating 20 feet up in the chamber, when
some idiot turns off the weightless button and down I come
on this big pickaxe we used for moon rocks!

Frasier, Niles and Daphne all despair at how thick he's laying it on,
but Clive is completely taken in.

Clive: And you still walk with a cane.
Martin: Que Sera Sera. I better turn in, boys.
Frasier: Don't forget your warm glass of Tang.
Clive: It was an honour meeting you, Commander.
Martin: Yeah, I had fun too. Goodnight, all!
All: Goodnight.

Martin leaves.

Clive: Delicious meal, Daphne. [Frasier and Niles go to the kitchen]
Can't remember the last time I ate so much.
Roz: Well, that explains your fantastic physique.
Daphne: Yes, you are looking wonderfully firm. [feels his six-pack]
Yes, and that little tummy.
Roz: Do you work out?
Clive: When I can. Actually, my shops keep me pretty busy.
Niles: [enters taking plates:] Daphne and I have our own little
excercise regimen. We work up quite a sweat, don't we,
darling? [leaves]
Daphne: I can't get over it, it's like you're a whole different
person. [aimed in Niles's direction:] A WHOLE DIFFERENT
PERSON!!
Frasier: [peering out of kitchen with coffee jug:] Well, who's for
coffee?
Daphne: I'll give you a hand.

Daphne enters the kitchen in her fleet of madness. Frasier turns
round ready for a tough journey.

Daphne: Would you please tell Roz to stop flirting! Has she
forgotten she is a married woman?
Frasier: Oh, you're one to talk. If you batted your eyelashes any
harder, you'd blow out the candles!
Daphne: You get rid of her now, or it's Rattlesnake Ridge for you.
Frasier: You wouldn't!
Daphne: Oh, wouldn't I? And by the way, Stinky needs a ride. [Frasier
gasps]

Daphne and Frasier go back into the dining area. Roz is reading
Clive's palm, until Frasier intervenes.

Roz: And according to your love lines, what a naughty little...
Frasier: Maris, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted!
Roz: See you at home. More wine, please.
Daphne: Oh, are you sure that's wise, dear? Remember that blackout
you had last month? [laughs] What am I saying? Of course
you don't.
Niles: That's what I love about her, her sense of humour. Cookie,
darling?
Daphne: No thank you, [to Roz's face:] some of us do look after our
weight!
Roz: Now, now, Daphne. You have to keep your strength up. You
are eating for two.

Niles drops the cookie plate, while Daphne looks furious.

Clive: You're having a baby?! When you were planning on springing
that news?
Daphne: We don't like to bring that up. It's a sore point around
here, what with my sister-in-law being barren and all.
Niles: Now, now, it's not her fault. You see, my brother is
impotent.

Frasier just doesn't care anymore.

Clive: ...Congratulations. Is there a loo I could, er...
Niles: Yes, yes, right there by the front door. We call it
"Frasier's Bathroom," that is why we've monogrammed all the
towels with his initials.

Clive enters the powder room.

Frasier: Have you all taken leave of your senses?
Daphne: Well, she started it, hanging all over him.
Roz: What is your problem? Frasier says the only reason we're
doing this is because you wanted to give him the brush-off.
Daphne: Well, I changed my mind! Didn't you see my signals?
Roz: Gee, I missed them, it must have been in the middle of one
of my BLACKOUTS!
Niles: Wait, wait, wait, there's no need to fight, I'll flip a coin.
[does, quickly] Oh, good news, Roz!
Roz: Hooray!
Daphne: [to Niles] Oh, sod off!

Unnoticed by anyone, Clive exits the powder room and hears the
following:

Daphne: You'd think with all your dozens and dozens of men, you could
at least leave one for me.
Roz: Dozens? [to Frasier:] Did you tell her that?
Frasier: Well, forgive me for keeping track!
Niles: Why are you fighting over that man anyway? He's got all the
charm of a cricket bat!
Roz: You're right. You know what, Daphne? You can have him.
You can have him, he's yours!
Daphne: Oh, fat chance I've got, now that you've told him I'm
pregnant! How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody
baby?!

She sees Clive and they all turn round in panic.

Frasier: Hi, coffee?
Clive: No, thank you. I really should be going.
Daphne: No, no, please, I know what you must think, but we're not
what we seem.
Clive: You certainly aren't. Look, I know I'm a guest here, so
I've kept silent so far. But I'm sorry, I must speak:
you're the most appalling family I've ever met. [to Frasier:]
You breaking up with your wife over a pair of opera glasses.
[to Niles:] And you looking down your nose at me the entire
time you were showing off your "posh flat." Well, to be
honest, mate, I don't think there's anything remotely special
about your bathrooms. [Frasier is offended; to the girls:]
And you two women, flirting shamelessly with me right in
front of your husbands. [to Roz:] You having just reconciled
with Frasier, [to Daphne:] and you carrying Niles's baby.
Well, I pity your child, Daphne. And I pity any good
Manchester girl that comes here to this vile coffee-
swilling Sodom and lets it change her like it's changed you.
Daphne: But I haven't changed! Really, we're not the awful people
you think we are.
Frasier: No, the truth is we've been lying to you all night!
Daphne: Yes!
Clive: Well, I don't care to be lied to anymore. Goodbye, Daphne,
Maris, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane. I'll never understand how two
men like you could be spawned from that sweet, courageous
old astronaut.

He leaves.

END OF ACT TWO (Time: 21:11)

Credits:

Frasier, Daphne & Niles are sitting on the couch, all wiped out after
the evening's charade. Daphne, very depressed, offers Frasier a
biscuit, which he eats. She eats a biscuit and offers one to Niles.
He takes his tweezers and puts the unwanted bits into his sherry glass.