Scene One - A Seedy Motel Room.
Frasier is lying in bed, asleep, in the motel room. He awakens and
finds that he has a tattoo on his arm that reads "Chesty." There is
a half-empty bottle of tequila on a table across from the bed. A
shower is running, but then stops suddenly. Frasier props himself up
on some pillows and folds him arms behind his head, expectantly.
Out from the bathroom steps Gil Chesterton - wearing only a towel.
Gil: Well, look who's up!
SMASH CUT TO:
Frasier sits up in bed - his own bed. The previous scene had been a
dream - or a nightmare, considering Frasier's panic-stricken reaction.
WHY GIL? WHY NOW?
Scene Two - KACL.
Frasier is listening to a young male caller, Jimmy.
Jimmy: [v.o.] So it's my parents. I don't know, they're just like,
Frasier: [bored] May I ask how old you are?
Frasier: Well, hang on, Jimmy. Your parents are going to be stupid
for another seven years.
Jimmy: Whoa! Seven years? That's like, longer than I'll be in high
Frasier: I salute your optimism. [disconnects] We'll be right back
He goes off air as Roz enters his booth.
Frasier: Oh god, Roz. A teenager who's embarrassed by his parents?
I mean, please. Can't you come up with something a little
more challenging for me?
Roz: Well, it was either him or our old pal, Rudy the Crier.
Frasier: Oh, Rudy the Crier. Oh God. He's been on three times in
the last month. You put him on again, he won't be the only
one who's crying. God, I'm in a dry spell. Where are the
souls in genuine torment? The people teetering on the brink
of genuine despair?
Roz: Oh, they'll be back. The holidays are just around the corner.
Frasier: Well, perhaps you're right. Oh, Roz, I've got a question
I'd like to ask you.
Frasier: Have you ever had a recurring dream of an intimate nature
about someone... oh, a... well, a co-worker?
Roz: [disgusted] Oh, no. Why'd you tell me?
Frasier: Oh, Roz!
Roz: Oh, now it's gonna be creepy everytime you look at me
through the glass!
Frasier: Roz, not you!
Roz: [intrigued] So who is it then?
Frasier: Oh, I'm not going to go into the specifics.
Roz: Gina in accounting?
Frasier: Look, I'm not gonna do this!
Roz: Sheila, the slow intern?
Frasier: Forget I even mentioned it.
Gil enters. He's hiding something behind his back.
Gil: Knock knock...
Frasier: [suddenly nervous] Gil? [Roz eyes Frasier suspiciously]
Gil: Frasier, I've come to tempt you.
Frasier: [scared] Really?
Gil: I'm reviewing the new pastry chef at Chez Shea. [reveals an
eclair] And I quote: "His amaretto eclair is so sinful, it
will send you scurrying to your local padre for absolution."
Frasier: Uh... no, thank you, Gil. I'm on a diet.
Gil: Oh, come now! You know you want it...
Frasier: [jumping up] Oh, no no no... I really don't! [shoos Gil out
the door] Off you go. Bye-bye.
Roz: [excited] Oh, my god!
Roz: It was Gil!
Frasier: I never said that!
Roz: Then why are you blushing?
Frasier: Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Roz: Your ears are turning bright red!
Frasier: I am not blushing!
Roz: You are!
Gil then knocks on one of the windows. As they look at him he takes
a big bite out of the eclair. Frasier hurriedly closes the blinds as
Frasier: Still not blushing!
The scene DISSOLVES to another caller - Rudy the Crier.
Rudy: [v.o.] ...just lying there in the hospital bed. She lifted
her head off the pillow, looked up and said, "I love you,"
and then she was gone. [cries]
Frasier: Rudy, stop crying. We've gone over this before. What was
our agreement about sad movies?
Rudy: I shouldn't watch them. [cries]
Frasier: Exactly. Now go get a cool washcloth and try to bring down
the puffiness around your eyes. Please... stay away from
sad or depressing things... which, at this moment, includes
listening to the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. [disconnects] Well,
let's shoot it to the news. That's it for today. This is
Dr. Frasier Crane. [he goes off air and Roz enters] Oh, my
God! Well, close the record books. That was just the
dullest three hours in the history of the Frasier Crane Show!
Roz: Oh, come on. It wasn't so bad. What about that woman who
was so concerned about her appearance she wouldn't leave the
Frasier: That was a commercial! I believe Miss Clairol solved the
problem! Well, I'll see you tomorrow. [he moves to exit,
then turns back] Oh! Oh, Roz... about that dream I mentioned
to you earlier... uh... this goes without saying, but I'd
rather you didn't share that with anyone else.
Roz: Oh, sure.
Betty: [passing by] Hi, dreamboy!
Frasier: [to Roz] I hate you! Couldn't keep your big mouth shut,
could you? Just exactly when did you find the time to
spread the news?
Roz: You don't think I was listening to your show, do you?
Bulldog: Comin' through! Oh, Doc... I got to rub this one in a
Frasier: All right, look, Bulldog... before you start to ridicule me,
yes, yes I had a dream about Gil. And yes, it had some
erotic elements, but... [notices Bulldog's surprised
expression] You have absolutely no idea what I'm talking
about, do you?
Bulldog: I do now! Whoa! [laughs]
Frasier: Look, let's just forget it. What delightful little jibe did
you have prepared for me?
Bulldog: Oh, I was gonna tell you your show today just broke the
snooze meter, but now I want to hear about you greasin'
Gil's cookie sheet! [honks horn]
Frasier: I'm on a bus to Hell.
Scene Three - Cafe Nervosa.
Frasier and Niles are standing at the counter. Niles is relaying a
story to a bored Frasier.
Niles: So I returned to the dry-cleaners yet a third time. I hardly
need to tell you how the story ends.
Frasier: Just tell me when the story ends.
Niles: [miffed] Fine. They realigned my pleats, The End.
Frasier: Sorry, Niles. [they get their coffees and sit at a nearby
table] I'm just a bit distracted today. You see, this
morning, a... a man from my building approached me with a
very intriguing problem. It seems he's been having a
Niles: Oh, please. That little gambit didn't work when we were in
knee socks. What was your dream, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, all right! It's been tormenting me. I haven't been able
to sleep in weeks now. It's a bit hazy but... it starts out
in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.
Frasier: Yes, well... I roll over and discover on my forearm a tattoo:
the word "Chesty."
Frasier: Then the shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps...
a man. [pause] All right, go ahead, let me have it!
Niles: Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?
Frasier: [annoyed] Please? We're both too intelligent to waste time
on the obvious interpretation.
Niles: Yes. But you must admit, it's rather intriguing. [chuckles]
Frasier: Would you stop? It's obviously screaming for a Jungian
interpretation. The sexuality in the dream is surely
symbolic of some deeper, non-sexual conflict.
Niles: All right.
Gil approaches the table with a smug grin on his face.
Gil: Good afternoon, Frasier.
Gil: A little birdie tells me I was featured in your midnight
Frasier: That's very clever. Off you go.
Gil: Very well. I'll see you tomorrow. Or should I say, "See
you in your dreams"? [exits]
Niles: In this dream of yours, were there any cigars, bananas or
short, blunt swords?
Frasier: Would you stop it?! I'm 43 - a little late for latency.
Rebecca, the waitress, comes over.
Rebecca: You guys okay over here?
Niles: Oh, we're fine.
Frasier: [flirting] Well... you must be new here. I surely would
have remembered such a pretty face as yours.
Niles: You're overcompensating.
Frasier: Right. We're fine. Bye-bye. [she leaves] I'm just baffled,
Niles. Obviously, Gil Chesterton explains "Chesty" but
Niles: Perhaps you should tackle this from a free-association
Frasier: God, must we?
Niles: Well, now... focus on any detail in the motel room.
What's the first thing that pops into your mind?
Frasier: Uh... a crescent-shaped lamp.
Niles: Perfect - crescent-shaped lamp. Run with that.
Crescent... moon... Daphne Moon... French maid... brass
bed... satin robe...
Frasier: Niles! This is my dream!
Niles: I was just showing you the process.
Frasier: You were three words away from a cigarette!
Niles: [outraged] Your turn!
Frasier: All right.
Niles: Crescent lamp.
Frasier: Crescent... croissant... butter... apricot jam... hunger...
food... diet! My God, I've been on a diet. Do you think
Niles: You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Frasier: Just wait a minute. Gil is a restaraunt critic - a gourmet.
Perhaps he's symbolic of the food I've been denying myself.
Niles: That would explain why you're naked in the dream. It's when
we're naked that we're most self-conscious about our bodies.
Frasier: Yes, and most vulnerable to the way society "tattoos" us
with labels about our appearance! God, that's it, Niles!
The dream is simply telling me that I've been too rigid
about my diet!
Niles: Well, you'll know tonight. If this is the correct
interpretation, the conflict will have passed from
your unconscious to your conscious mind.
Frasier: Yes, the dream will have served its purpose.
Niles: And you will no longer be plagued by it.
Frasier: Oh, God, Niles. I've nailed it all right. I really have.
Finally, for the first time in weeks they'll be no tequila
bottles, no tattoo, no half-naked man in my bed. [he looks
up to see Rebecca standing at their table] So then, the
Scene Four - The Motel Room.
Once again, Frasier is in bed. The tequila bottle is still there,
and he still has the tattoo. The shower turns off and out from the
bathroom steps a rather buxom woman wearing only a towel. Frasier
looks pleasantly surprised.
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry... wrong room. [leaves]
Frasier's expression turns to disappointment. Gil suddenly appears
lying next to Frasier in bed.
Gil: That does it. We're finding another motel.
SMASH CUT TO:
Frasier again wakes up from his dream in a panic. He notices something
under the covers next to him. He cautiously pulls back the covers to
reveal Eddie. He isn't any more pleased about this.
End of Act One.
Scene One - The elevator at the Elliot Bay Towers.
Daphne and Martin are in the back of the elevator. The doors open and
a woman gets on, standing in front of Daphne and Martin. Daphne says
hello and they lapse into silence for a moment. She and Martin then
begin to speak to each other in a conspiratorial tone.
Daphne: Someone followed me again last night.
Martin: Ah, you're just being paranoid.
Daphne: I'm telling you, they're onto me.
Martin: Come on. Nobody could recognize you after all that plastic
The woman becomes alarmed at this.
Daphne: That's what Marlena thought.
Martin: Marlena got sloppy. She never should have gone back to
Daphne: I just don't want any more bloodshed.
Martin: Relax. You're home free.
Daphne: You don't know the Woodchuck and his ways.
The doors open and the woman rushes out in fear. Martin and Daphne
break down laughing.
Daphne: Oh, we're terrible!
Martin: We are? You are! "The Woodchuck and his ways"?
Daphne: You know, we really should stop doing this. It's not nice.
Martin: Ah, you're right. We won't do it anymore.
The doors open and a man enters.
Daphne: [as soon as the doors close, to Martin] How'd you get the
stuff through Customs?
Martin: They never check the wooden leg.
CUT TO: Frasier's apartment. Frasier is pacing the living room as
Niles sits at the couch, poring over psychology textbooks.
Frasier: The answer has got to be in there somewhere!
Niles: Here's something. [reads] "Dreams as an expression of wish
Frasier: [grabs the book] Moving on.
Daphne and Martin enter.
Daphne: Goodness, are you two still here?
Martin: What are you working on?
Niles: I'm helping Frasier interpret a dream he's been having.
You know, maybe Dad can help.
Frasier: [alarmed] No, no, no... don't want to bore Dad with the
details of this particular dream.
Niles: Dreams can be rooted in childhood experience. Maybe Dad
remembers something you've repressed.
Martin: Gee, I don't know. If it's about when you were a kid I've
repressed a lot of that myself. [exits to the kitchen]
Frasier: Niles, this is not a dream I wish to share with Dad, thank
you very much.
Niles: Well, we've exhausted every other interpretation. So,
I guess it's back to dreams as wish fulfillment...
Frasier: Oh, Dad... [he moves to the kitchen where Martin is making a
sandwich] Would you mind listening to my dream to see if it
conjures up any memories from my childhood?
Martin: Oh, come on. You're making too much out of this. It's a
dream. Dreams are weird.
Frasier: Please, Dad. I wouldn't ask if it weren't really bothering
Martin: Well, all right... go on.
Frasier: All right... it starts out in a little motel room. I have a
tattoo on my arm - "Chesty"...
Martin: See? That's weird.
Frasier: Yes. Then out from the bathroom steps a... All right, now
before I continue, let me remind you that this is a dream.
Not to be confused with reality. [Martin nods, still busy
with his sandwich] Out from the bathroom steps a man... [off
Martin's concerned expression] -eating lion!
Martin: [relieved] Oh, see? There again, weird. Look, dreams come,
they go. They don't mean anything. Except, you know, if
you're lucky, every once in awhile you might have one that's
a lot of fun. Like, you hit a home run in the World Series
or you're in the jungle with Jayne Mansfield and she gets
bit by a snake.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: You know who Jayne Mansfield is, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Martin: You know what you do when you're bit by a snake, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, Dad. [leaves]
Martin: [to himself] Wish I knew what I had for dinner that night.
Frasier enters the living room to find Niles and Daphne on the
couch, chatting about Frasier's dream.
Daphne: Oh, I get it. Chesty refers to Gil Chesterton.
Frasier: Niles, you gossipy fishwife!
Daphne: [standing] There's no reason to feel self-conscious, Dr.
Crane. We've all had dreams like that. I had one about a
girl I shared a flat with once - a gymnast.
Niles: [standing] Go on, Daphne. This could be significant.
Daphne: Well, I remember we were doing stretches in the gymnasium,
when suddenly we decided to take off all our clothes and go
for a bounce on the trampoline. [giggles] The next thing you
know, I'm chasing her around the pommel horse. Oh, never
Niles: [aroused] Don't stop now! [off their looks] This could help
Daphne: Well, actually, I do have a theory of my own about your
dream, if you'd like to hear it.
Frasier: What the hell.
Daphne: Well... in your dream, who was in the shower? Gil. What is
a shower? Running water. Who needs water? Fish. What do
fish have? Gills! Do you see where I'm going?
Daphne: It could be a dream about the loss of a beloved childhood
Martin: [entering from the kitchen with Eddie] Thanks a lot, Eddie.
Forty-five minutes in the park, you don't have to go. I get
one bite into my sandwich and you give me the look.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, did Dr. Crane ever have a goldfish growing up?
Martin: A fish?
Daphne: Yes, as a pet.
Martin: How would I know? That was Hester's department. [to Eddie]
Come on, let's go. [leaves]
Niles: Frasier, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frasier: That Dad can interpret the looks from his dog and has only
the spottiest recollections of our childhoods?
Niles: No. No, no, no. Hester - Hesty. The tattoo - that's only
one letter away from Chesty!
Frasier: Niles, are you saying that the dream could have been about
Frasier: I suppose I could have misread the tattoo. [rolls up his
shirt sleeve] Yes, yes... this freckle pattern here on my
arm could be mistaken for a "C."
Daphne: And what swims in the sea? Fish! [off their looks] All
right, all right I'll go. [exits to her room]
Niles: Well, so the tattoo could have said "Hesty." But the problem
is, I don't ever remember Dad calling her that.
Frasier: But who's to say he didn't?
They both gasp and run to the elevator, where Martin is still
waiting with Eddie.
Both: Dad, Dad... Dad, Dad!
Frasier: Did you ever have a nickname for Mother?
Martin: Oh, for God's sakes! Is this to do with that stupid dream?
Frasier: Dad, this is really important!
Niles: Any pet name? A term of endearment?
Martin: Well... when we were first married I used to call her
"Honey." And then... there was a time after that that I
started calling her "Sweetie."
Frasier: I'm sure there's a delicious anecdote behind each one of
those. But did you ever call her "Hesty"?
Frasier: [forcefully] Oh, come on, think, man! Even once! Once, in
all the years you lived together?!
Martin: [nervously] We-Well... I don't know. [elevator doors open] I-
Martin: Yeah, maybe once... [stumbles into the elevator, disturbed]
Frasier: Oh, thank you Dad! [doors close] Well, there it is! I must
have heard him call her "Hesty" once and neatly tucked it
away into my subconscious.
Niles: Of course, it's so obvious! Gil is a food critic. Food,
Niles: It's the classic Oedipal dream!
Frasier: Yes, yes... only I was so frightened by my sexual urges to
be with my mother that I transformed her into a man! Oh,
what a relief! I've been wringing my hands over nothing.
I mean, it's okay. All I want to do is have s*x with my
Frasier turns to see that a woman has been standing by the elevator
doors and has overheard him. He sheepishly enters his apartment.
Scene Six - the Motel Room.
The scene reveals a painting of bananas and swords above the bed
where Frasier is sleeping. He awakens to find the tattoo of "Chesty"
still on his arm and the sound of the shower running. He is
exasperated. The shower stops and he turns to the bathroom door with
a look of apprehension.
Frasier: Mom? Mommy?
Gil: [entering] Patience, Daddy!
SMASH CUT TO:
Frasier again wakes up from his dream in a panic and switches on the
light in his bedroom.
THANK GOD HE WAS WRONG
ABOUT THAT "MOTHER" THING
Scene Two - Frasier's apartment.
The middle of the night. Frasier is poring over textbooks at the
kitchen table. Martin enters from his bedroom, groaning.
Martin: You'd think by now I'd know better than to have that third
Slim Jim before going to bed. Couldn't sleep either, huh?
Frasier: No. Frankly, I'm sort of afraid to go back to sleep.
It's that damn dream again.
Martin: Oh, what are you worried about? It's just a dream.
Worst case scenario - the man-eating lion leaps on
top of you and mauls you.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Dad, I wasn't completely truthful with you before.
The dream is really about me in a motel room with a male
companion, Gil Chesterton.
Martin: You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?
He absentmindedly turns on the TV. Frasier turns it off behind him.
Frasier: Dad, please, I'd really like to discuss this!
Martin: No, Frasier, please. This makes me very uncomfortable.
[he enters the kitchen with Frasier following him]
Frasier: Dad, please...
Martin: I know, I know... in your generation, men talk about
everything. Everything's out in the open. [he begins to
nervously clean the refrigerator and countertop, avoiding
eye contact] You know what really drives me crazy is the way
you all touch each other. Everybody hugs, you know? In my
generation it was a... a handshake. That was good enough.
Maybe if you felt especially close to someone you'd touch
him on the shoulder, but never for more than two seconds.
And don't talk to me about football players patting people's
butts and everything, because that's different - that's
sports, that's like war. Now, goodnight, son. [exits to
the living room]
Martin: Look, if you want to tell me something, write it on a post-
it and stick it on the fridge.
Frasier: Look, I really want to talk about this! [Martin finally
stops and faces Frasier] I've exhausted every other possible
interpretation of this dream. Is it possible my subconscious
is trying to tell me something about my sexuality?
Martin: Oh, that's ridiculous!
Frasier: Is it? I was sensitive as a child; I didn't go in for sports.
God, it's every cliche in the book. Surely it must have
occurred to you at some point? You refused to take me to see
"West Side Story" on my eighth birthday.
Martin: Well, because of the gangs. That's scary for kids.
Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
Martin: Especially gangs that dance! [then] All right. Yeah... okay,
yeah, I thought about it. But no, Frasier, no... I don't
believe that. And you know why? Because you would have
known by now. Your unconscious or whatever the hell you
call it could no more have kept its yap shut than the rest
Frasier: I suppose you're right.
Martin: Yeah. Now, come on, it's after 3:00. You're gonna be all
worn out before your show tomorrow.
Frasier: What a tragedy that would be.
Martin: Now what are you complaining about?
Frasier: Oh, I don't know. I just haven't had any really interesting
calls lately. I'm beginning to question whether I'm not
bored with psychiatry. [sits at the table]
Martin: Boy, you'd never know it with the way you got your nose
stuck in all those books.
Frasier: That's true. The one saving grace about this dream is it's
given me a chance to flex my analytical muscle a bit.
Martin: Ah, maybe it wasn't so bad after all.
Frasier: Wait a minute. Could that be what this has been all about?
I've been so intellectually unchallenged lately by my show
that my mind had to create a dream that defies
interpretation just to give me a challenge?
Martin: I don't know. Keep talking, you're making me sleepy.
Frasier: Dad, no... that's got to be it! [stands] My show hasn't
provided me with a single patient worthy of my skills and I
had to invent one myself - me! Oh, God! What a relief. At
last, finally, to bed. Dad, you've witnessed an epiphany!
[they move to the hall]
Martin: Yeah, God, I got to get you to put this on tape.
Frasier: [o.s.] Off we go. To sleep, perchance NOT to dream.
Scene Four - The Motel Room.
Frasier is once again lying in the bed, asleep. He awakens to find
the tattoo is now gone and there is no more tequila bottle. He sits
up and listens for the shower. Hearing nothing, he lies back,
relieved. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. Frasier sits up
in surprise and says "Come in." A man enters, the psychiatrist Dr.
Freud: Dr. Crane, Dr. Siegmund Freud.
Frasier: Oh, my goodness! [they shake hands] It's quite an honor!
Freud: The honor is all mine. I gave you a complex psychological
problem and you solved it. You are a brilliant psychiatrist.
Frasier: Oh, that's very flattering. You know, there are so many
things I'd like to ask you!
Freud: In good time, my boy. In good time. Right now, we have
more important matters.
He takes out some breath freshener and sprays it into his mouth.
To Frasier's astonishment, Freud then climbs into bed with Frasier
and lies back, spreading out his arms for an embrace.
CUT TO: an exterior shot of Frasier's apartment building, where we see
a lone light switch on at the 19th floor. It appears Frasier is in
for another sleepless night.
[N.B. For you Frasier trivia buffs, this is the only time Frasier's
apartment has been shown from an exterior point of view.]
End of Act Two.
The clock reveals that's it's 3:10 a.m. Eddie is in the kitchen,
hopping up and down, trying to grab a muffin on the kitchen counter.
It is then revealed that Eddie was asleep on the couch, having his
own dream. He jumps down from the couch and rushes to the kitchen.
He begins to hop up and down to get a muffin, only there aren't any.
He finally sulks back to the living room and lies back down, defeated.
[N.B. The footage used for the dream sequence is actually the same as
the tag for Episode [1.22], "Author, Author."]