04x07 - A Lilith Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair, Niles is on the phone,
Daphne is ironing.

Niles: Hello? Yes, Buck? It's Dr. Crane. I'm calling to see if
the cabin is ready for us. You've got the case of Montrachet?
Good, good. And the Thanksgiving feast will be delivered
promptly at three? Good. And the woodpile's been thoroughly
inspected for spiders? Excellent! Thank you. [He hangs up.]
Well, we're ready to rough it in the great Northwest!
[He goes to get a sherry.]
Daphne: If you don't mind me asking, are you taking along anything
to keep your nephew amused?
Niles: Yes, his grandfather. Oh, by the way, what time are Lilith
and Frederick flying in tomorrow?
Martin: Her broom touches down at eleven.

Roz and Frasier come from the hallway.

Frasier: All right, now, when you mist the plants, make sure that
the water is not too cold. I know I'm harping on and on
about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with
delicate flowers.
Roz: I've produced your show for three years, haven't I?
Frasier: I'll leave you our number at Niles's cabin, in case anything
goes wrong. Oh, yes, and by the way, I frown on overnight
guests.
Roz: Then you're not doing it right.
Daphne: I'll leave you my number in San Francisco, too.
Roz: You're not going to the cabin with them?
Frasier: No, no, Daphne's decided to spend a traditional Thanksgiving
with her tr*nsv*stite Uncle Jackie.
Daphne: Come on, Roz, I'll show you around the kitchen.
Roz: So, this uncle of yours, does he dress like a woman all the
time?
Daphne: Oh, certainly not for work. His congregation would never
stand for it.

They go into the kitchen. Niles lets out a sigh that is half groan.

Martin: What's wrong?
Niles: Oh, just a little depressed. It's my first Thanksgiving
without Maris.
Martin: Oh, yeah, I know, son. It's hard.
Niles: Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin
pie in front of her, and we all laughed? [They all share a
chuckle.] Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of
it and we laughed some more! [Another chuckle.] Then her eyes
welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.
Frasier: Yeah.

The phone rings. Frasier answers.

Frasier: Hello? Yes, Lilith. Yes, Lilith. Yes, Lilith.
Martin: Gee, it's like they're still married.

CUT TO: the kitchen.
Daphne has grabbed a bottle from the liquor shelf. Roz has the
glasses.

Daphne: If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the
front. If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces
the back, don't ask me why.
Roz: I don't know how you live with him.
Daphne: Huh, I don't know how you work with him.
Roz: Well, I have learned a trick: when he's really bugging me,
I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight. Before you know
it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy
machine.
Daphne: [laughing] Really? I tell him he's gained weight. He skips
dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to
myself.

They laugh and clink glasses.

CUT TO: the living room.

Frasier: OK, you tell Frederick I said "Bravo!" [He hangs up.]
Frederick just passed the qualifying exam for the Marbury
Academy!
Niles: Huzzah!
Martin: What is that? Some school?

Frasier and Niles begin laughing.

Frasier: "Some-school?" Oh, Dad, please. The Marbury Academy is
the most exclusive private school in all of Boston.
Niles: It's a breeding ground of power and privilege.
Frasier: Lilith and I have to be interviewed by the headmaster.
He's got such a busy schedule, he's agreed to see us on
Thanksgiving morning. Now this, of course, changes our
plans.
Martin: Wait, you mean I don't get to see my grandson?
Frasier: Of course you do. We'll move our whole Thanksiving
celebration to Boston. I'll call the airline.
Niles: [Pulling out his cell phone] Yes, I better cancel our
rustic Thanksgiving. [into phone] Hello, Buck? It's Dr.
Crane. Take the mints off the pillows.

FADE OUT

Scene 2 - Lilith's Kitchen
Fade in. Lilith is working on dinner.

Lilith: Frederick, your father is here.

Freddie runs to the door and goes out, shouting "Dad!" The three
men all greet him cheerily. Martin and Niles come in with the bags.
Niles has a bottle of wine.

Martin: Hi, Lilith, how ya doin'?
Niles: Happy Thanksgiving, Lilith.
Lilith: Martin, Niles.
Martin: Nice neighborhood. Noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's
age playing in the street.
Lilith: Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing
their play patterns. Niles, I'm afraid with this interview,
I'm running a little behind schedule. So, I'm enlisting you
to help with the turkey.
Niles: Oh, well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but the
recipe's here, I guess I can fumble my way through. How far
along are you?
Lilith: I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: [unable to resist] And the turkey?
Lilith: Might I suggest you stuff it?

Frasier comes in with Freddie in his arms.

Frasier: So the rabbit said to the bear, "No, no, I said 'oedipal,'
not 'edible!'"
Freddie: Good one, Dad.
Frasier: Hello, Lilith. [kisses her cheek]
Lilith: You're late.
Frasier: Oh, well, happy Thanksgiving to you, too. Well, there
Frederick. [puts him down] Now, Mommy and Daddy have to
head off to this meeting, then I'm all yours. Meanwhile,
why don't you head off upstairs and show Grandad and Uncle
Niles your brand-new computer.
Freddie: OK.
Martin: Come on, sport.

Martin, Niles and Freddie leave.

Frasier: My God, are you half as nervous as I am?
Lilith: And then some.
Frasier: We have got to master our nerves. It is vital that we
appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. Lilith,
do you still keep the Valium with the contraceptives?
Lilith: Sorry, I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the
application.
Frasier: I'll assume you meant the Valium.
Lilith: Perhaps before the interview, you should sheath that
butter-Kn*fe sharp wit of yours.
Frasier: Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to
ratchet down that butt of yours a notch or two!
Lilith: Frasier, stop. We should be focusing on our son.
Frasier: You're right, of course. We've always had our differences
but we've been able to put them aside for the welfare of
Frederick.
Lilith: And this may be the most important thing we ever do to
ensure his happiness.
Frasier: Not counting our divorce.

The others come back.

Martin: Hey, Freddie and I are gonna break in this new mitt I
bought him. [He musses Freddie's hair.]
Lilith: [smoothing Freddie's hair] Uh, Frederick doesn't play
ball. He was just about to watch "Pocahontas" and write
a satirical essay on the historical inaccuracies.
Frasier: Well, we're off.
Niles: Oh, no, wait, where do you keep your saffron?
Lilith: Third cupboard.
Niles: Mm-hmm, and where do you keep your shallots?
Lilith: In the crisper. By the way, you still have to remove the
entrails from the chest cavity.
Niles: In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole?
Frasier: All right, now, Freddie. Mommy and Daddy are going to see
you're wearing a Marbury blazer or die trying.

Lilith and Frasier leave.

Niles: Dad, maybe you should remove the entrails.
Martin: No can do. Freddie and me are gonna play catch.
Freddie: Mother says balls are for the slow children.
Martin: Yeah? Well, Grandpa's in charge now. You're gonna love
baseball, it's easy as riding a bike.
Freddie: Mother says bikes are for the...
Martin: Yeah, I know, I know.

FADE TO:

STOP SAYING "DOCTOR"


Scene 3 - Dr. Campbell's House.
Fade in. It is a very fancy sitting room. The doorbell rings.
Dr. Campbell opens the door to reveal Lilith and Frasier.

Lilith: Dr. Campbell.
Campbell: Dr. Sternin.
Frasier: Dr. Campbell.
Campbell: Dr. Crane. Please come in.
Lilith: You have a lovely home.
Frasier: Yes, and thank you so much for seeing us today.
Campbell: You're quite welcome. Make yourselves comfortable,
I'll get us some coffee.

He exits to the kitchen.

Lilith: Thank you.
Frasier: I think that went rather well, don't you?
Lilith: So far, so good.
Frasier: Oh my God, we have just got to get Frederick into this
school.
Lilith: I am so nervous, I feel as though all the color has drained
from my face. How is my makeup? [They sit.]
Frasier: Well, you could use a pinch.
Lilith: Do I have time?
Frasier: No, you could use a pinch. [He pinches her cheeks hard to
put some color in them.]
Lilith: Thank you.

Frasier plucks at something on the chair, a long thread comes out in
his hand.

Frasier: Oh, oh lord. Oh, dear.
Lilith: What? What?
Frasier: Well, I just reached down to pull a thread off what I
thought was my jacket, it seems it attached to this cushion.
Oh, look, now this little bird has no beak!
Lilith: Stop doing that!
Frasier: Give me your nail clippers.
Lilith: I didn't bring them, just bite it off.

Frasier does, getting down on his knees and biting the thread off
close to the cushion. Dr. Campbell comes back with the coffee as
Frasier scrambles back to his seat.

Campbell: Does either of you take cream?
Frasier: Oh, yes, thank you.
Campbell: [sitting] Then let me begin by saying that the child who
fills this opening need not worry for the future.
Lilith: Opening? There's only one?
Campbell: Yes. Well, children of alumni and certain generous
benefactors are of course given preference.
Frasier: Oh, of course.
Lilith: Of course.
Campbell: Now, regarding your Frederick. His scores are of course
excellent and I've no doubt he's being courted by other
prestigious schools.
Lilith: Oh, yes.
Frasier: Yes, that goes without saying.
Campbell: Still, we like to think we are a cut above. Our sixth
grade talent show just formed a highly successful cast
album.
Lilith: Frederick has perfect pitch.
Frasier: Yes, we often use him to tune the piano.

He laughs weakly, the phone rings and Dr. Campbell gets up.

Campbell: Excuse me. [answers] Hello? Ah, Senator Geiger. I
thought I made it perfectly plain that you'd be notified
by mail. Well, Senator, rules may not mean anything on
Capitol Hill, but they still mean something to me. And
that is why young Noah will be seeking his education
elsewhere. Do I SOUND flexible? Marbury thanks you for
your interest.

He hangs up. Frasier is shaking and rattling his cup.

Lilith: Frasier, your coffee.
Campbell: Oh, yes, please be careful. Those chairs have been in the
family for three generations.

FADE TO:

Scene 4 - Lilith's Kitchen
Fade in. Niles is cooking, Martin has an ice pack over Freddie's face.

Martin: OK, let's take a look. [There is a huge bruise on one eye.]
Oh, it's not so bad.

Niles pours some wine in a measuring cup then turns around.

Niles: AHH! [then:] Ya hardly notice it. [He takes a drink.]
Freddie: Uh-oh, I lost my MedicAlert bracelet.
Martin: Well, maybe it fell off when we were playin' catch.
Freddie: I'll go look. [He goes outside.]
Martin: All right. I still don't know how it happened. I lobbed
it right to him.
Niles: When are you going to learn, Dad? The only thing the Crane
boys are skilled at catching is sarcastic nuance and the
occasional virus. [He opens the fridge looking for something.]
Let's make a pact that while we are guests of Lilith's we'll
avoid all activities that could possibly harm Frederick.
Where are those pie crusts?
Freddie: [coming in] Found it.

Just as he gets fully into the kitchen, Niles quickly pulls open the
freezer side door. There is a thump, and when he closes it, Freddie
is standing there holding his nose.

Freddie: I taste blood.
Martin: Now you've done it!
Niles: Oh, God, Frederick, I am so sorry.

He gives Freddie his handkerchief and tells him to pinch his nose.
There is the sound of a car pulling up.

Martin: It's them! Hey, pal, why don't we go find some cotton
upstairs for that thing, huh?
Niles: Dad, wait, wait, how am I going to explain this to Lilith?
Martin: Well, I don't know. How did you give Maris bad news?
Niles: Usually by breaking a tranquilizer in her Slim Fast.

Martin and Freddie go off, Niles checks the fridge, then quickly
steps to the stove as Frasier and Lilith enter.

Lilith: Did you notice how those patrician eyebrows of his arched
when you mentioned Frederick's National Science Award?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: I take it Dr. Campbell was favorably impressed.
Lilith: We had an initial bout of nervousness, but after that, we
did an absolute bang-up job.
Niles: Speaking of bang-up jobs...
Frasier: You know, Lilith, there's just one question I wished we'd
answered differently.
Lilith: Which one?
Frasier: Remember when he mentioned that Frederick was being courted
by other schools? I wonder if we shouldn't have made it
clear that Marbury is far and away our first choice.
Lilith: Frasier, if you over-analyze every detail, you will rob us
of the joy of the moment. It will be our wedding night all
over again.
Niles: Speaking of hard-to-explain bruises...
Frasier: Well, you know, you're right, you're right, of course. I'm
sure everything's fine.
Lilith: Unless we didn't convey to him how highly we regard Marbury.
Frasier: Well, you see, that is my worry.
Lilith: We must correct this. [She picks up the phone.] What
should I say?
Frasier: Oh, Lilith, stop, stop. Remember what happened when the
senator called. We need a ruse.
Lilith: You're right. How's this? We go back and I say that I
lost my earring in his living room.
Frasier: And while we're looking for it, we casually mention that
Marbury is Frederick's first and only choice.
Lilith: Perfect.
Frasier: Let's go.

They rush off. Niles picks up his measuring cup of wine.

Niles: Speaking of dumb-ass ideas...

He drinks.

FADE OUT

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 - Dr. Campbell's house.
Fade in. Frasier and Lilith are outside the door; they ring the
bell and Dr. Campbell, in an apron, answers.

Frasier: Ah, yes, Dr. Campbell, I hope we're not disturbing
anything important.
Campbell: Well, actually, I'm a bit frazzled trying to get my
Thanksgiving dinner together.
Lilith: I'm afraid I lost an earring here this morning.
Campbell: Well, I'll have a look around and call you if it turns up.
Frasier: Well, um...
Lilith: Do you think I might be able to take a peek right now? I
wouldn't even think of asking, but it was a treasured gift
from... Golda Meir.
Campbell: Very well. [They come in.]
Lilith: Thank you.
Campbell: Forgive me. I must turn the heat down on the pumpkin
soup. [He exits to the kitchen.]
Frasier: Lilith, we rehearsed everything we were going to say on the
ride over. Where the hell did Golda Meir come from?
Lilith: Well, I admit it wasn't half as clever as "Umm..." but it
got us in.
Campbell: [from kitchen] Any luck?
Frasier: Not yet.

Dr. Campbell comes out of the kitchen.

Lilith: We're so sorry for this. The whole ride over, we kept
saying "Why did this have to happen at the only school
that matters to us?"
Frasier: Yes, as you know, Marbury is our first choice.
Lilith: Oh, look, here it is. That was lucky.
Campbell: Remarkably so, considering that wasn't the chair you were
sitting in.
Lilith: Umm...
Frasier: Well, I suppose it's time we be shoving off.
Campbell: I'm curious. I've always been a great admirer of Mrs.
Meir. How did you meet?
Lilith: Oh, well, it's a funny story. Frasier you tell it much
better than I do.
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Back in college days, Lilith spent a
summer at a kibbutz. And, uh, was dating her grandson,
Oscar.
Campbell: That would be Oscar Meir?
Frasier: Yes, well just imagine the ribbing he took.
Campbell: [leading them to the door] Indeed. Well it was so good
seeing you both again. Enjoy you're Thanksgiving.
Marbury thanks you for your interest.
Frasier: Wait, wait a minute. "Marbury thanks you for your
interest." We know what that means.
Campbell: Oh good, then you'll have no trouble interpreting this.

He slams the door in their faces.

FADE TO:

Scene 2 - Lilith's Kitchen
Fade in. Niles is cooking. Freddie is in a chair, cotton up his
nose as Martin snips at his hair with scissors.

Niles: You had to give him gum, didn't you? And not just gum,
bubblegum.
Martin: Well, maybe what threw him off is having to breathe through
his mouth while he chewed it.
Niles: You know, Frederick, when I was a boy, nothing brought a smile
to my face like when Mother would make a remoulade and let me
lick the spoon.
Freddie: Thanks, Uncle Niles.
Niles: You're welcome.
Martin: You think maybe I should trim his bangs a little bit?
Niles: Maybe you should put the scissors down while he still has
one good eye.
Freddie: Uh-oh. Is there anchovies in this?
Niles: Yes. Oh my God! I've never seen hives break out that
fast! [A car pulls up.] They're back!
Martin: Freddie, you got any pills for this?
Freddie: I got pills for everything.

Martin and Niles rush Freddie off, Frasier and Lilith storm in.

Lilith: Of all the name in the universe, you had to pick Oscar?
Frasier: You started us down that path of insanity. Golda Meir.
Golda My-ass!
Lilith: This sniping is pointless. Getting into Marbury was a
longshot anyway. You heard the man. Most of these
openings go to children of alumni and generous benefactors.
Frasier: Yes, yes. Wait a minute. Oh, my God we're such fools!
Don't you see what the man was trying to tell us? He was
trying to give us the way to get Frederick accepted.
Lilith: Are you saying he was fishing for a donation? So you think
he was just trying to see if we were willing to pay our
fair share.
Frasier: What else?

Freddie walks in. His hives are now huge and red.

Freddie: Hi, Daddy.
Frasier: In a minute, Frederick. My God, it was right there in
front of us and we missed it, we didn't even see it.
Lilith: How could we be so blind?
Frasier: Well, we should get ourselves back down there and give the
man what he wants.
Lilith: Right, we can't let anything stand in the way of our son's
welfare.
Freddie: Mother...
Lilith: Mother has to run, munchkin. Go play with Grandpa.

Freddie looks towards the living room with quite a bit of fear.

FADE TO:

Scene 3 - Dr. Campbell's House
Fade in. Campbell comes to the door and opens it.

Campbell: Ah, Dr. Sternin and Dr. Crane. Forgive me if I don't give
you a big hello hug, but as you can see, I'm wearing this
greasy apron. On top of which, I'm beginning to loathe
the sight of both of you.
Lilith: All the more reason for us to be brief.
Campbell: Yes, I'm sure you'll be on your way, just as soon as
you've found the cufflink given to you by Haile Selassie.
Lilith: No false pretense this time. We know that with so many
qualified applicants and only one position open, that your
decision must be very difficult.
Frasier: Yes, and so, in the spirit of the holidays, like Indians
to your pilgrims' table, we bring this little bit of
garnish, as it were, in the hopes that our relationship
may flower. [He gives Campbell an envelope.]
Campbell: I'll have you know that, in twenty-two years, I have never
accepted a bribe. I have to tell you, I find this utterly
offensive. [He looks at the amount of the check.] In every
possible way. And now, if you don't mind, I have guests on
the way. And a turkey so undercooked, a skilled veterinarian
could still save him.
Frasier: But, Dr. Campbell...
Campbell: Unless the rest of that sentence is "I have a fully cooked
turkey in the breast pocket of that blazer," I'm afraid
our conversation is at an end.

He closes the door. Lilith and Frasier look at each other and get
the same calculating look, then rush off.

FADE TO:

Scene 4 - Lilith's Kitchen
Fade in. Niles drinking wine, comes in, opens the oven and bastes
the turkey. Behind him, Martin hurries in, gets the icepack out of
the freezer and hurries back out. Niles closes the oven, grabs the
bottle of wine, and follows.

Frasier and Lilith rush into the kitchen. Frasier puts on oven mitts,
Lilith opens the oven, he grabs the turkey and leaves, Lilith following
with some garnish.

The oven timer goes off. Niles comes into the kitchen and opens the
oven. Finding the bird gone, he closes it, then checks the top oven
to make sure. Confused, he looks around to see where the turkey
might have gone.

FADE TO:

BEWARE OF GEEKS
BEARING GIFTS


Scene 5 - Dr. Campbell's Dining Room
Fade in. Dr. Campbell is standing at the head of a table with a
family of three on either side.

Campbell: This is indeed a very special holiday for us all. Pamela,
Cynthia, I'm particularly grateful that finally you've
been able to set aside your differences and join us in
this Thanksgiving... tortellini.
Pamela: Well, as angry as I was that you'd admitted Regan into
Marbury instead of our Wesley, it's all worked out for the
best. Wesley is thriving at the Barkley School.
Campbell: I am delighted to hear it. Oh, I have a dusty bottle of
Chateau LeFite waiting in the cellar for an occasion like
this.

Dr. Campbell exits. There is silence for a moment.

Preston: Well, this is nice.
Elliot: Yes, it is.

The doorbell rings. They all say, "I'll get it." Cynthia does the
honors.

Cynthia: Hello.
Lilith: Hello, is Dr. Campbell in?
Cynthia: Yes, he's just gone to the cellar to get a bottle of wine.
Frasier: Yes, we don't mean to intrude, but we heard he was having
trouble with his turkey and we thought we should drop this
by.
Cynthia: Oh, how very generous of you. Please come in. Look everyone,
these friends of Collin's have brought us a turkey.
Frasier: Well, I think "friends" is probably stretching it just a tad.
Lilith: You see, our son was a candidate for Marbury, and in our zeal
to see him accepted we may have come on a bit strongly.
Frasier: Yes, well, I'm sure you'll understand as parents yourselves,
it's only natural to wish only the very best for your son.
Cynthia: Oh, absolutely.
Pamela: There are other good schools. Barkley is excellent.
Frasier: Well, yes, thank you very much for trying to cheer us up,
but I mean, if you're looking for filet mignon, you can
hardly swallow ground chuck.
Cynthia: Now, now, Barkley is a very charming little school.
Pamela: "Little school"?
Cynthia: Now, don't be so sensitive.
Pamela: Damn your condescension.
Cynthia: Damn your jealousy.
Elliot: Don't you talk to my wife that way!
Preston: Oh, shut up, Elliot!

They begin arguing. Dr. Campbell comes in, holding the wine.

Campbell: Quiet!
Frasier: We brought a turkey.
Campbell: I don't know how this started, I can only be sure it
started with the two of you.
Lilith: Actually...
Campbell: I will die a happy man if I never set eyes on either of you
again. [They look heartbroken.] Unfortunately, there is only
one way I can think of to ensure that: your son Frederick is
hereby admitted to the Marbury School.
Frasier: [They are both ecstatic.] Oh!
Campbell: [holds up a hand] However! - he will immediately be expelled
if either of you violates any of the following conditions:
you will not bring him to school, you will not collect him;
you will not attend any recitals, plays, sporting events,
or school functions, up to and including "Frederick Crane
Day," should we ever have one. [He leads them to the door.]
And when graduation comes, you will dispatch an appropriate
envoy with a video camera. And now it is with great pleasure
that I bid you goodbye - forever!
Frasier: Allow me.

He slams the door on himself and Lilith. Cut to the porch as Lilith
and Frasier look at each other smugly.

Both: We're in!

FADE OUT

End of Act 2

Credits:

Dr. Campbell is sitting at the table. The chairs are scattered, some
knocked over. He is finishing off the bottle of wine. Getting up,
he notices the missing pattern from the chair Frasier was sitting in.
He looks incensed.