04x09 - Dad Loves Sherry, The Boys Just Whine

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 – Café Nervosa.
Niles wanders into the Café, saying hello to Frasier and Maureen (from
[3.20], “Police Story”) who are sitting down at a nearby table.

Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Maureen.
Maureen: Hi, Niles.

Niles goes up to order at the counter where Roz is already waiting for
her order.

Niles: A non-fat café, please.
Roz: I'll pay for his too.
Niles: Well, thank you. My day started off with good news and it's
already getting better. To what do I owe this largesse?
Roz: Well, I'm having a pretty great day too. You see, a few
months ago I took my first tennis lesson...
Niles: And you've finally mastered the backhand?
Roz: No, I haven't played since. But the guy who was teaching
me...
Niles: Has won your girlish heart?
Roz: No, he was a loser. But that day he hit me this little dink-
sh*t and I ran for it, stubbed my toe, got this big black
toenail. It lasted for like three months and today it finally
fell off. [Niles looks thoroughly mystified] I can wear
sandals again!

Meanwhile behind them Maureen gets up to leave as Frasier sees her off.

Maureen: Thanks, Frasier.
Frasier: Goodbye Maureen, and good luck.
Maureen: Thanks.

She heads out the door and Niles comes over to join Frasier.

Niles: Frasier. May I borrow your spoon?
Frasier: Certainly.
Niles: [banging the spoon off his coffee cup] I have an announcement.
Frasier: Well frankly, so do I. Dad's girlfriend just told me some
very big news.
Niles: Well, unless she's expecting our baby brother, my news takes
precedence. [A look of panic spreads on Niles's face] She's
not, is she?
Frasier: No, no.
Niles: Guess who just won this year's "Mariett Fassbinder Award for
Distinguished Contribution to the Literature of Psychiatry"?
Frasier: Well, judging by the canary feathers protruding from your
mouth, I'd say you. What article did you win for?
Niles: A gripping case history of a narcissistic opera singer.
I called it "Me Me Me Me Me."
Frasier: [chuckling] Very clever, I like that.
Niles: Thrilled as I am, I must admit I'm a tad nervous about the
awards banquet.
Frasier: Why?
Niles: Dad! I want him there of course, but I'm just dreading a
rerun of Aunt Vi's wedding.
Frasier: Yes - the hour he spent regaling the table with Little Niles
stories.
Niles: Exactly. Imagine an entire roomful of trained psychiatrists
hearing the story of Sheldon, my imaginary protégé.
Frasier: Ah yes, Sheldon. That troubled little fellow who kept wetting
your bed! Well, you know – if you're thinking of excluding
Dad from the event your timing couldn't be worse. It's his
birthday this weekend.
Niles: Oh, right.
Frasier: On top of that Maureen just told me that she's decided to
break it off with him.
Niles: No! Oh dear, is it the age difference?
Frasier: No, no. She was quite emphatic on that point. She just
thinks they have nothing in common.
Niles: Oh, poor Dad. I know how much he enjoyed going out with her.
Frasier: Yes. Just the other day he was saying that between her
police badge and his handicapped sticker they could park
anywhere.

FADE OUT

Scene 2 – Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is busy cleaning. Daphne comes in.

Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Daphne. Thank God you're home first. Listen, I have to warn
you.
Daphne: About what?
Frasier: Dad and Maureen are on a date. It's not going well. She's
telling him that she wants to break it off.
Daphne: Oh. This vision you're getting – is it a tingly feeling and
a picture in your head, or more like a husky voice murmuring
in your ear?
Frasier: [annoyed] It's not a vision. Maureen told me about this,
this afternoon. I'm just worried about Dad. We need to do
everything we can to help him through this.
Daphne: I wouldn't worry about your father. People are more resilient
than you think. You know, when Joe dumped me a few weeks ago
I thought I'd lost the love of me life. I figured I'd spend
the rest of my years dwelling on what might have been. The
home we'd have made; the children running through it; growing
old together... did I mention Joe's getting married?
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry.
Daphne: No, I'm all right.

Daphne heads towards the drinks cabinet as she breaks down and grabs
a bottle of wine.

Frasier: [goes to console her] Oh, Daphne, Daphne... [checks the
bottle's label] That'll be fine. [she exits]

Meanwhile the scene switches to outside the apartment as Martin and
Maureen arrive back from their date.

Maureen: Oh, I should have known that you'd hate Indian food.
Martin: No, it was great. It just takes a little getting used to.
Maureen: Yeah, it does. You should try it again sometime.
Martin: [retching slightly] I think I just did. So are you going to
come in for some coffee?
Maureen: Nah. You're not feeling too well. I think I'll just call
it a night.
Martin: But I thought you said in the car there was something you
wanted to talk about.
Maureen: It can wait.

They kiss goodnight as Maureen heads back into the elevator.
Martin goes into the apartment.

Frasier: Hi, Dad.
Martin: Hi.
Frasier: How was your date?
Martin: [with a pained expression on his face] Awful! I never felt
this bad in my life. I feel like my guts have been ripped
out.
Frasier: Dad, let me assure you this has nothing to do with your age.
Martin: Oh, the hell it doesn't. This never would have happened
twenty years ago.

He goes into the powder room.

Frasier: Well, you know Dad, I may be talking out of turn here.
But Maureen told me about this.
Martin: [from behind the door] What?
Frasier: Yes. She came to me for advice. That's how determined she
was not to hurt you. You see, she wanted to make it perfectly
clear that her breaking up with you had nothing to do with
your age but rather your compatibility. You see, it's not
your fault that you don't like the same food, music or
movies...

Martin comes out with a bottle of Maalox and a puzzled expression.

Frasier: ...and she didn't bring this up, did she?
Martin: No.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry.
Martin: She doesn't want to see me again?
Frasier: Oh, I feel so terrible. Listen, Dad, I mean, I know exactly
how you're feeling right now. But believe me, the pain will
pass. It may take some time.
Martin: This is great!
Frasier: Or not!
Martin: Wait till I tell Sherry.
Frasier: Sherry?
Martin: [holding up the carton of Maalox] This stuff works pretty
good. Have we got any pretzels?
Frasier: Dad - just who is Sherry?
Martin: She's this great lady I met down at McGinty's. You know –
I've been trying for weeks to get up the nerve to end it
with Maureen.

He gleefully picks up the phone. The doorbell rings and Frasier goes
to answer.

Frasier: Good Lord. I've been worried all afternoon about Maureen
breaking your heart and all along you've been two-timing-

He looks through the peek-hole before turning to Martin in panic.

Frasier: MAUREEN!

Frasier opens the door to Maureen while Martin slams the phone down
and tries not to look too guilty.

Martin: Well hi, Maureen. Come in. Did you forget something?
Maureen: Yes I did. Um... [looks at Frasier]
Frasier: Don't mind me, I was just going out... [he realises he is
in his dressing gown] ...to the powder room.

Frasier goes through to the bathroom.

Maureen: There's something that I've been meaning to say to you and
I keep putting it off and that's not fair to you.
Martin: [acting concerned] What is it?
Maureen: I don't think it's working out.
Martin: [sitting down in fake shock] You don't? Wow. I didn't see
that coming.

Frasier is peeking through the bathroom door with a look of contempt.

Maureen: Marty, it's not the age difference. It's just all we ever
talk about is the police force - and I enjoy that - but I
just think...
Martin: No, Maureen, come on. You don't need to explain. You know,
I guess I always knew that I could never hold onto a prize
like you forever. [slams the bathroom door shut in Frasier's
face with his cane] But at least I did it for a while.
Maureen: So, are you OK?
Martin: [acting hurt] I will be. It just takes a little time,
you know? But you take care of yourself.
Maureen: Yeah, you too.

They kiss goodbye and Maureen leaves. Before the door is barely shut
Martin is celebrating with his cane in the air and a huge grin.
Frasier opens the bathroom door holding onto his eye and looking
highly annoyed.

Frasier: You old fraud!
Martin: What?
Frasier: You made her believe that she'd broken your heart.
Martin: Well, of course I did. When a woman breaks up with you,
you have to act sad. It's only polite.
Frasier: Polite? My God, Dad, guilt is a very destructive emotion.
Martin: Oh, spare me the Ivy League bull. There ain't a dame alive
who wouldn't rather break a guy's heart than think she hadn't
even made a dent in it. I may not have made it to Harvard but
I have been to the College of Love.
Frasier: Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship!

FADE TO:

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS


Scene 3 – Frasier's Apartment
Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment carrying Martin's birthday
present. Frasier and Daphne are in the living room whilst Martin
is in his bedroom.

Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hey, Daphne.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier. Where's the birthday boy?
Daphne: Oh, he's getting all dolled up for his lady friend.
You should see how excited he is.
Frasier: Not half as excited as he's going to be when he sees these new
videotapes: twelve cassettes of the history of World w*r II!
Niles: For those who thought the original was fun but too short!
Frasier: Well, this year I thought what the hell? Get him something
he really wants rather than what I think he needs.
Niles: A very commendable sentiment.
Daphne: What did you get him?
Niles: An Armani tux. [pause] Well, my banquet's coming up.
Martin: [coming through in a suit] Hey, Niles.
Daphne: Ooh. Don't you look dapper?
Martin: Well, thanks. Yeah, I heard the door – I thought maybe it
was Sherry.
Niles: Oh, I thought we were joining her and your chums down at the
restaurant.
Martin: Yeah, I changed my mind. You know, I just thought that...
I'm just so anxious for you to meet her, I know you're gonna
love her. No, no, forget I said that. I mean, you will but
I just don't want to jinx it. [the doorbell rings] Oh, there
it is. Frasier, answer the door, would you? No, no, wait a
minute. I'll get it.

Frasier and Niles look on smiling - that is, until the door opens to
reveal a middle-aged woman wearing a short pink skirt, a pink blouse
and carrying a bottle and a present.

Sherry: Happy Birthday!

Sherry practically leaps into Martin's arms and gives him an
extremely loud kiss. The boys just look slightly aghast.

Martin: Come in and meet the family.
Sherry: [hugging Frasier] Hi! Sherry Dempsey. Now Marty didn't tell
me the two of you were so handsome! [she bearhugs Niles who
forces a smile]
Daphne: Hello. Daphne Moon.
Sherry: Ooh – the physical therapist. Don't worry about me, honey.
I'm not the jealous type. Anybody that keeps my Marty limber
is aces in my book.
Martin: [does a few dance shuffles, then:] Hey, sit down, Sherry.
Come on. You know Fras, Sherry is a big fan of your show.
Sherry: Oh yes, a big fan. Well, as a matter of fact when my friend
Donna's marriage was on the rocks, you were the one that she
called for advice.
Frasier: Really? And did my advice prove helpful?
Sherry: That's not important. You cared. That's what matters.
Daphne: Can we offer you a drink?
Sherry: Well, actually, since it's a special occasion I brought some
bubbly. Let's cr*ck it open! [throws the bottle at Niles who
just manages to catch it]
Niles: Yes, why not? [forcing a smile] Oh look Frasier – Cold Duck.
Sherry: You ever had it?
Frasier: Just once!
Daphne: I'll do the honours.
Sherry: Ooh, I love this apartment. Wow, that's some view you've got.
Frasier: Thank you.
Sherry: Which room's mine?

Frasier and Niles just look at each other.

Sherry: Gotcha!
Martin: She's always doing stuff like that.
Sherry: Oh, I love making people laugh. To me humour is like
medicine.
Niles: [sotto voce to Frasier] Guess we're in the placebo group.
Frasier: So... Dad tells me you two kids met at McGinty's.
Sherry: That's right. I tend bar there. Saw your Dad there one night
looking kind of lonesome and I said to myself...
Daphne: [coming through with the drinks] Bottoms up!
Sherry: Well, something like that.
Daphne: [dishing the drinks out] Here we go. Well, Happy Birthday.
Sherry: Through the lips and over the gums...
Frasier: Look out, tastebuds, here it comes.
Sherry: I never heard that version.

They all take a sip. However, Frasier and Niles turn around looking
as though they're about to vomit. Both go to recover on the couch
while trying to force their now customary smile.

Sherry: I better be careful. Two glasses of that and I'd be dancing
on the tables.
Martin: Yeah. You know, Sherry used to be on the stage.
Frasier: On Broadway?
Sherry: Las Vegas. Ever been there?
Frasier: Just once!
Sherry: What a town, huh? Great food, terrific theatre, just too
darn easy to get married. [looks at Niles] You're
separated, right?
Niles: Yes.
Sherry: I've been there. Listen, you want my advice?
Niles: Well...
Sherry: Don't mope! Get right back in the saddle. My Mum always
used to say to me, "Honey, the only way to get over someone
is to get under someone."

Martin laughs hysterically at this joke. Needless to say Niles just
looks a bit shocked.

Sherry: Well, Momma had lots of sayings like that.
Niles: [slipping further down the sofa] I didn't know Mae West had
children.
Martin: Well, hey, we better be going, so if you want to freshen up
you better do it now. It's right down there.
Daphne: I'll show you the way.
Sherry: [to Martin] I know what you're doing here. You just want the
reviews. [looking at Frasier and Niles] Talk me up.

Sherry goes with Daphne through to the bathroom.

Martin: That's not it at all. You think you're so smart. [turning to
Frasier and Niles] Well, what do you think?
Frasier: [lost for words] Er... Wow.
Martin: Niles?
Niles: Er... I see that Wow and raise you a Zowie.
Martin: I'm so glad you like her. You really do, right?
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Niles: Absolutely.
Martin: That's it, great! Well, you know we're going to have to
spend more time here. You know, she's got that fourth floor
walk-up and its m*rder on my hip. Not that I wouldn't climb
the Space Needle to hear her play that banjo of hers.

Frasier and Niles can't say anything. Instead they simply reach for
their Cold Duck and swig it down. Sherry and Daphne come back
through.

Sherry: Come on, boys. She's back.
Daphne: You know, I keep meaning to ask: what's that lovely perfume
you're wearing?
Frasier: Yes, I've been wondering that myself.
Sherry: It's called Milady's Boudoir. [heading out the door followed
by Martin and Daphne] You wouldn't believe what a bargain it
is. For a hundred bucks I could buy enough to drown myself
in.
Niles: [slowly walking out the door with Frasier] I've got sixty!

FADE TO:

NO GIRLZ ALLOWED

Scene 3 – Café Nervosa
Niles and Frasier are sitting down at a table drinking their coffees.

Niles: Again, I'm sorry for not making it over for dinner last
night, but you know I had this tickle in my throat...
Frasier: Spare me your lame excuses, Niles. We both know why you
weren't there.
Niles: How was Sherry?
Frasier: Colourful as ever. Last night she treated us to a selection
from her unpublished volume of Limericks for Lovers. The
last several were about a well-travelled man fortuitously
named Horatio!

Niles takes a second before he realises and just looks disgusted.
Suddenly panic spreads on his face.

Niles: Oh, dear God. Don't turn around.
Frasier: Who is it?
Niles: It's Dad, and he's brought Sophie Tucker!
Frasier: Oh God. But this is our place.
Niles: Don't look.

Martin and Sherry walk in and needless to say Sherry sees the boys
immediately and knocks loudly on the window to them.

Sherry: Hey! How ya doing? Look who's here. Wow, what a cute place
this is. I walk by here all the time and never stopped in.
Martin: Yeah, well the boys love it here.
Sherry: Well, we should start coming here. Now, make room at that
table. We'll be right back. We're gonna get a cuppa.
Frasier: [forlorn] Quick Niles, pull up the ladder. She found our
clubhouse!
Niles: This cannot go on.
Frasier: You're right. Dad has to be politely told that even though
he may enjoy her company he has no right to... what's the
polite word for inflict?
Niles: Well, I don't know, but I'm sure you'll find one.
Frasier: Me? I have to do this alone? I thought the two of us would
sit him down and talk to him...
Niles: No, no, no.
Frasier: ...both of us.
Niles: No, no. I'm afraid you're the one who's going to be making
that little speech.
Frasier: But Niles, both of us have a problem.
Niles: Ah, ah, ah, ah. She's not invading my apartment. I can
afford to be patient.
Frasier: You are a little weasel, aren't you?
Niles: A little weasel whose Daddy loves him. [gets up]
Sherry: [coming to the table] Niles, before I forget. About your
banquet - are we talking fancy-schmancy?
Niles: Well, it's not exactly the way it's worded on the invitation,
but yes... [the cold dawn of realisation hits] Why? [sits back
down]
Martin: Well, Daphne's got a cold so Sherry's going to use her ticket.
Frasier: What fun! That's coming up soon, isn't it? Maybe you should
start working on that little speech.
Sherry: So, fancy dress, huh? Good. I got a backwards leopard skin
number that's gonna knock your eyes out.

Niles looks ready to explode.

Martin: Gotcha!

Sherry and Martin both laugh hysterically. Niles forces a laugh
while looking annoyed. Frasier is getting bumped into by Sherry
as she laughs.

Sherry: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm smushing you.
Frasier: No, that's all right. We were just leaving.
Sherry: Oh, you gotta go? Well Niles, don't worry about your banquet.
I'll wear a nice dress and put on my best dancing shoes.
Niles: Oh, well, there won't be dancing.
Sherry: You just leave that to Sherry!

Sherry and Martin both laugh again. So does Niles, before rushing
outside to join Frasier who has already escaped.

Frasier: Well, your little banquet should prove quite amusing. I hope
Dr. Geudfreund doesn't aggravate his hernia when he goes
underneath the limbo pole!
Niles: I have to talk to Dad. I can't let her ruin the most
important evening of my life. What do I say to him?
Frasier, you've got to help me.
Frasier: Well... prepared though you were to abandon me and let me
handle all the dirty work alone, I will swallow my resentment,
confront him with you tonight and take my share of the heat.
Niles: Thank you.
Frasier: [smiling] Gotcha!

He walks off laughing.

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 – Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is in his chair deciding over the night's entertainment.
Niles is pacing the floor behind him.

Martin: So Niles, what are you in the mood for? Normandy or
The Battle of the Bulge?
Niles: Whatever.
Martin: You've been fidgeting around all night. Something on your
mind?
Niles: Ah, yes actually. It's about my awards banquet.
Martin: Yeah?
Niles: Dad, this is very difficult to say. I would really rather
you didn't... [chickens out] wear those pants.
Martin: Well, I'm not. I'm wearing that Avanti tux you gave me.
What's your problem?
Niles: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I guess, I don't know, I'm just
nervous about tomorrow night. God knows why.

He sees Sherry's banjo lying on a chair and strums it before going
outside onto the balcony.

Frasier: [coming in] Evening, Dad.
Martin: Evening.
Frasier: [notices Niles on the balcony and Martin in a foul mood]
Something wrong?
Martin: You know, that brother of yours can be downright insulting.
He's so afraid that someone's going to embarrass him at his
fancy dinner.
Frasier: Er... you know, Niles told me about what he was going to say
to you tonight. And well, I must say that, in his defense,
it is an important evening for him and well, let's face it,
Sherry can be a bit much.
Martin: She can, huh?
Frasier: Well, I don't mean it as a criticism, mind you. Some people
like that. But now that Niles has broached the subject I
must say that I too find Sherry a bit brassy and flamboyant...
[notices Martin's puzzled look] He didn't say a word to you,
did he?
Martin: I don't believe this. You got a problem with Sherry?
Niles: [coming back in] That delightful woman?
Frasier: Oh, knock it off! I see you're still waiting on that spine
donor! Dad, there is no reason to belabour this point...
Martin: No, no. You got something to say, let's hear it. You don't
like her?
Frasier: Please understand, Dad, as happy as we are that you've found
someone...
Martin: But you don't like her?
Niles: No, no. We're not saying that. She's just not the sort of
person that we would normally choose to spend time with.
Martin: In other words, you don't like her? Come on, we're all
grown-ups here. Tell me the truth.
Frasier: [pausing] All right, Dad, we don't like her.
Martin: Fine! That's the way you feel about it? Don't worry, I won't
bring her back here any more. I guess it's too much to
expect my own family to make a person I care about feel
welcome!

He heads off to the kitchen.

Frasier: WAIT A MINUTE! When did you ever make any of the women we
were involved with feel welcome?
Niles: Ooh Frasier, you're right! He almost got away with that!
Frasier: When did Lilith ever set foot in your house that you didn't
make her feel as wanted as a fungus?
Niles: Yes, not to mention my Maris!
Martin: You're comparing a warm lady like Sherry to Frosty the Snow-
Wife?
Frasier: There! That is exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, why
don't we just face facts? I mean, since when has any of us
ever - from Sherry to Lilith to Maris to Diane - has ever
been able to pick one woman that the other two could stand
the sight of?
Martin: I picked your mother!
Frasier: [awkwardly] I'm sorry, Niles. I've been hogging the floor.
Niles: Er...
Martin: Ah, forget it. You're right. Why should I expect you to
make the effort when I'm no better? Hell, you probably got
it from me. You sure didn't get it from your mother 'cos
she was great that way. Anytime she ever met anybody she
could always find something to like about them. One of the
things I loved her for. It's one of the things I love
Sherry for. She's a lot like your mother that way. She'll
always find something – even with you two.
Frasier: Well, I suppose we could all afford to be a bit more open-
minded when it comes to each other's mates.
Martin: Well, at the very least, if we can't say anything nice we
shouldn't say anything at all.

The doorbell rings.

Niles: I'll be having some quiet Thanksgivings, but fine with me.

Frasier opens the door to Sherry.

Frasier: Hi, Sherry
Niles: Hi.
Frasier: Don't you look nice? Come on in.
Sherry: Well, thank you, Frasier. Oh Marty, I brought you one more
little gift. [hands over a parcel]
Martin: Another one?
Sherry: Well, I wanted to give it to you on your birthday but it
took me a while to find the right size.
Martin: Really? I'm usually a pretty easy fit.
Sherry: Who said it's for you to wear?
Martin: Ho-ho, I like it already.

Niles and Frasier just roll their eyes slightly and look at each
other. Sherry notices their discomfort.

Sherry: Oh, I should stop. I'm embarrassing your boys.
Martin: No, you're not. [looks at them both] Is she?
Niles: [clearly faking] Nooooo!
Frasier: Party on!
Martin: [holding Sherry's hand] Well, I think we should go and unwrap
this.

As they go, Frasier is unwilling to let Martin have the last word.

Frasier: Oh, Dad? Lilith mentioned that she was going to be joining
Frederick on his next visit. You don't mind if she stays
here, do you?
Martin: [clearly faking] Oh, Lilith! No, great, I love Lilith.
That's terrific. She's welcome here any time.
Sherry: Honey, you're hurting my hand.

Frasier and Niles smile at each other.

Sherry: [to Niles and Frasier] Oh listen, I should mention I'm kind
of a sleepwalker, so if you get up in the night and find me
in here naked, just give me a good hard shake. I'll come to
in a jiff.

Frasier and Niles both laugh at this.

Frasier: Got me, good one!

But Martin and Sherry aren't laughing. The boys stop and look at
each other worryingly... then Martin and Sherry burst out laughing.

As they head off to the bedroom Niles reaches for Martin's Ballantine.

End of Act 2

Credits:

Frasier and Niles are sitting on the couch looking dumbstruck.
The camera pans right to show Eddie and Martin are sitting in
their usual places. Martin notices the boys' faces and waves
his cane at them to cheer up. Frasier and Niles immediately
force a smile and try to clap their hands in delight.

The camera pans right again, and we see what they are being
treated to – Sherry on her banjo!

As she and Martin trade a look, Frasier and Niles take covert
swigs from bottles of Maalox and then hide them under the table.