04x11 - Three Days Of The Condo

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin and Sherry are sat reading the newspaper on the couch as
Daphne enters from her room.

Daphne: Well, I'm off to get our lunch. Any special requests?
Sherry: Oh, no, no, no, anything you pick you will be fine.
Daphne: Okay, then. Back in a bit.
Sherry: She is such a doll. You are such a doll!

Daphne exits.

Sherry: I thought she'd never leave!
Martin: I know. It's nice to have some time alone finally.
Sherry: Oh, isn't it?
Martin: Come here, you.

Martin and Sherry start kissing passionately. Then Eddie runs in
and starts licking Sherry's face.

Martin: Hey, get your own. Now, come on now, get away, come on.
Come with me, come on, Eddie. [gets up] Come on.

Martin opens the powder room and puts Eddie inside.

Martin: There you go. Seat's already up for you. It's happy hour!
[shuts door] Where were we?
Sherry: Oh, come here, you little devil, you.

Martin and Sherry start kissing again but Daphne enters with Niles
and Frasier carrying food bags.

Daphne: Well, look who was just coming home with take-out from the
gourmet shop.

Martin and Sherry act happy but look at each other annoyed.

Sherry: Boys, hi. Don't you look handsome in your best bib and
tucker. Come and give Aunt Sherry a great big kiss!
Niles: Perhaps just a friendly wave from across the room.

Niles waves to her.

Sherry: Niles, you are so shy. Thank God your big brother isn't.
Now come on, Fras, plant one on me. [he reluctantly does]
Frasier: [screws his face] Has Eddie been licking you?
Sherry: Yes.
Frasier: Yes, yes, I thought your perfume had a hint of sausage in it.
Sherry: So, you two've been shopping?
Frasier: Well, antiquing actually. I just found the most exquisite
Japanese door knocker, it's said to bring peace and
tranquility to any home it adorns.

Frasier shows it to her.

Sherry: Oh, I haven't seen any decent oriental knocker since
"Emperor Charles's Shanghai revue!"
Martin: [laughs like mad] Isn't she great? She is as funny as she
is classy!
Niles: No argument there! Oh, by the way, if you want someone to
install that for you, I can put you in touch with my ex-
houseman, Guy. [sounds like Ge]
Frasier: Guy?
Niles: No, [same pronunciation] Guy!
Frasier: Guy?
Niles: No, back of the throat, [same pronunciation] Guy.
Frasier: Oh, what's the difference?! Also, heavens, I can install a
simple door knocker on my own. [laughs]

Frasier opens the door and puts the knocker up to the door.
He stares at it.

Martin: You probably need a screwdriver.
Frasier: That's exactly what I was about to get.

Frasier walks to the center of the room, confused.

Martin: It's in the tool drawer.

Frasier, however, still looks around.

Martin: The drawer under that big tea server thing.
Frasier: Dad, that is a Byelorussian samovar! My God, how long have
you lived here?!

Frasier exits to the kitchen as Daphne enters with the food served up.

Daphne: Here we are. Lunch is ready.
Sherry: Oh, actually, hon, I just remembered I've got an errand I
gotta run before I get to work. Goodbye, Niles. [goes to him]
Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you, I know it embarrasses
you. Wait, come here, you've got some schmutz on your cheek.

Sherry wets her fingers with her tongue and wipes Niles's face with it.

Sherry: My mistake, it's a mole, you might want to have that checked.
Niles: Oh, I think now I'll just play it safe and have it removed.
[wipes off Sherry's spit]

Frasier enters with the screwdriver and notices one of his ornaments
on his display shelf.

Frasier: Oh, Daphne, you know, apparently this morning when you were
dusting, you forgot this object does not face front but
rather askew. [turns it]
Daphne: I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane, I should never have tried to do it
without that diagram you drew me.
Sherry: Oh, Frasier, now that I know you like antiques, I've got a
little present at home for you. It's a lamp, shaped like
two frogs kissing and when you turn it on, their hearts
glow. When would you like me to bring it by?

Frasier is aghast.

Niles: Preferably when I'm here.
Sherry: I'll bring it with me tomorrow. Bye-bye. [exits with Martin]
Frasier: Daphne, would you bring me the hammer?
Daphne: I thought you just needed a screwdriver for your door knocker.
Frasier: Well, I do, I just want to be prepared for when that froggy
lamp gets here.

Meanwhile Martin and Sherry are kissing by the side of the elevator.

Sherry: I'll see you later, honey, I'll call you.
Martin: Okay, bye.

Frasier starts to screw on his knocker as the doors open. An old,
frosty woman is standing in the elevator as Sherry steps on.

Martin: Oh, hi there, Mrs. Langer.
Langer: Ms!
Martin: Oh, right, Ms...

The doors shut as Langer tries to see what Frasier is doing.

Martin: Ms...erable cow! [laughs and enters apartment] Niles,
tonight's your opera night, isn't it?
Niles: Yes. Why?
Martin: Well, I was just wondering. You know, I'd love to cook a
nice romantic dinner for Sherry but I can't do it at her
place because I'm allergic to her cats and there is no
privacy around here.
Niles: Say no more, Dad. My bachelor pad is the perfect place to
entertain a young lady. Just remember, always use coasters,
no snacking in the carpeted areas and close the art books
after viewing so you don't crease the spine!
Frasier: I think they have the same rules at the "Playboy Mansion."

Frasier finally stands back from his DIY opus.

Frasier: Oh, it's on, that's fast. Huh, that's not so hard. You
know, tomorrow morning I think I may just have to att*ck
that leaking sink in the powder room. [closes door]

Daphne starts laughing out loud, and then off his glare:

Daphne: Oh, sorry, I thought that was a joke.

We hear the sound of someone using the door knocker.

Frasier: Ah! The inaugural knock.

Frasier opens the door to find a note attached to the knocker.
He takes it.

Frasier: Oh, what's this? [reads] "Your unauthorised door knocker
violates the condo by-laws regarding hallway decoration.
Remove it immediately."
Daphne: Oh, that's one of Mrs. Langer's no-no slips. I can't stand
that woman. Just because she's president of the condo board
she acts like this building's her kingdom. Everything has
to be done exactly the way she likes it.
Frasier: Yes, well, Daphne, nobody hates a bossy fussbudget more than
I do but... Daphne, askew, askew! [turns another objet d'art]
But, rules are there for reason. I was obviously at fault
for not getting approval before I hung it up there.
Niles: I did notice a sign in the lobby about some condo board
meeting tonight if you want to present your case.
Frasier: Oh, perfect. We live in a democratic system and I will work
within it. I'm sure I can persuade them with my charm and
eloquence.
Daphne: I don't know, those people can be very difficult.
Frasier: Oh, pish-tosh! It's not as though I'll be addressing the
Supreme Court, I'll simply be talking to the board!
Martin: [aside] Well, they will be by the time he gets though!

Frasier exits.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Condo Board Meeting.
A crowd of tenants is gathered listening to Ms. Langer. Langer is
sat at the front table with two other members of the board. As
Langer speaks, Frasier enters cautiously at the back and sits next
to Molly, a resident in a wheelchair.

Langer: After careful consideration of the bids from a number of
gardeners, we have decided to go with Jordan landscaping.
Frasier: [to Molly] Excuse me, I'm not too late, am I? I was hoping
to make a statement.
Molly: Me too. They will be getting to new business soon,
fortunately.
Frasier: Good, good. I have a matter of some importance.
Molly: Oh, well then you should go before me.
Frasier: Oh, well, thank you. Why are you here?
Molly: I'm going to ask them to make the ramp outside the building
less steep, so I don't keep rolling into traffic.
Frasier: [guilty] Oh, well, er, perhaps you should go first.
Langer: Is that Frasier Crane talking while I'm talking?
Frasier: Well, yes, I'm sorry, Ms. Langer. I was just inquiring as
to whether I was too late to raise some new business.
Langer: Well, we were just about to get to that. Why don't you go
ahead?
Frasier: [to Molly] I'll be quick. [stands and speaks] Ah, earlier
today, I installed a new door knocker without your
permission. Now, I'd like to say in my defense that my over-
eagerness was not out of disrespect but rather enthusiasum
for the door knocker, which I'm sure you will agree is
really quite beautiful. [hands the board members a picture]
I understand the rule exists to prohibit people from putting
eyesores in public places, but I ask you, should it apply to
something as beautiful as this? [hands some pictures out to
audience] Here, if you will please. Something, which only
serves to elevate our spirits. Let's just say somebody
passes by my door, sees the knocker and suddenly feels just
a little bit better without even knowing why. That same
person passes a perfect stranger and smiles - who in turn...
reaches down and picks up, perhaps, a piece of trash; plants
a garden, volunteers at a soup kitchen? Like little ripples
on a still pond, the happiness spreads. What I'm asking to
do, think of this not simply as an ornament but rather an
opportunity, dare I say it, of knocking on the door of a new,
more civilised world. [collects pictures] Thank you.

The audience seem pleased and agreeable.

Langer: Allow us just a moment.
Frasier: Of course.

The board take a couple of seconds to confer.

Langer: Request denied! You must remove the knocker within twenty-
four hours, despite the consequences to world peace.
Frasier: I appreciate your...
Langer: Are you still talking? Your request is denied! Sit down!
Frasier: But there has been no discussion, it hasn't even been opened
up to the floor.
Langer: I will entertain suggestions from the floor if anyone has
any idea how to shut this man up!
Frasier: Forget it! I came down here expecting a fair hearing in the
democratic tradition, but here you are: a tyrant more
concerned with the exercise of power than with justice!
Well, I will leave now taking solace in the certain
knowledge that in time, you, Ms. Langer, will join all
tyrants on the ash-heap of history!

Frasier exits amid great applause from the audience. A second later,
Frasier reenters, embarrassed because he's left his briefcase behind.

Frasier: I'm not here.

He picks up his briefcase and goes to the door. However, all his
papers spill out.

Frasier: You know, I'll just get those later.

FADE TO:

DEEP EAR, NOSE AND THROAT


Scene Three - Elliot Bay Towers Parking Lot.
Frasier pulls his car into his space and gets out. He locks the door.
The lot is very dark as he heads to the stairs. However a car pulls
up in front of him, blinding him with the headlights. An unknown man
gets out of his car and stands in front of the headlights so Frasier
can't see him.

Man: Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Yes. Who's there?
Man: A friend. [Frasier steps forward] Ah, keep your distance.
Frasier: Why can't I see you?
Man: That's not important right now. What's important is that
you were not afraid to go up against Ms. Langer last night.
Frasier: Without much success.
Man: More than you know. Those people in the building are afraid
of her. There is a group of us who fight her though, a small-
but-determined band of resistors. You know the doormat by the
service elevator? [Frasier nods] We did that!
Frasier: It's very nice.
Man: We would like you to be our candidate to go up against her
in the upcoming elections.
Frasier: Well, I'm very flattered, but you see...
Man: You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated.
[carried away] She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days
late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure
in his shower. Eventually he d*ed.
Frasier: Of bad water pressure?
Man: No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last
months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out
of his hair. Only you posses the charisma and courage to
defeat her.
Frasier: Well, that may be, but, er...
Man: I am not asking you to decide right now. I just want you to
say you'll think about it.
Frasier: All right, but why can't I see who you are?
Man: Because I'm remodeling my bathroom! If she found out I was
talking to you, she would never approve my bidet. Just think
of me as "Mr. X"!

"Mr. X" gets in his car and drives away. Frasier notices the plates
on the car that read "DRDORF".

Frasier: That would work better without the vanity plates, Dr.
Dorfman!

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment Building.
It is just after Frasier’s surprise meeting. Frasier is at the
elevator and presses to go up, but Niles arrives.

Niles: Frasier, wait.
Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. [opens doors for him] You know, Niles,
the most extraordinary thing just happened to me down at
the garage.

Niles and Frasier go up.

Niles: Excuse me... is Dad home now?
Frasier: Yes, as far as I know.
Niles: I was afraid of that.
Frasier: Why? Is something wrong?
Niles: Well, last night I invited Dad to use my apartment for a
quiet, romantic dinner with Sherry while I attended "La
Traviata." Well, the production was just dreadful. In
"Opoir Selor Oui," the soprano couldn't hit the E flat
above high C to save her life! I was so fed up I stormed
out, drove home, entered my apartment and when I saw what
Dad and Sherry were doing there, I hit the note myself!
Frasier: You mean they were...
Niles: They were!
Frasier: Oh! What did you do?
Niles: Pulled up a chaise lounge and took out my opera glasses,
what do you think I did? I slammed the door and ran away.
I've never been so embarrassed.
Frasier: Oh Niles, you simply have to diffuse the entire subject with
simple, adult conversation. I don't want to re-create what
happened to Maris and me after the cabin incident when I
walked in on her taking a shower. Oh God, months of avoidance
and awkwardness.
Niles: [shocked] Excuse me? You saw my Maris completely naked?
Frasier: Oh, don't fret, Niles, it was really nothing more than a
fleeting glance in a very steamy bathroom. More like
glimpsing a birch sapling through a thick fog.
Niles: Life is so unfair! You get a vision of my Maris, I get a big
eyefull of Dad!
Frasier: Well, I'd say we hit about the same level on the "Yikes!"
meter!

The elevator stops and the doors open revealing Roz waiting outside
Frasier's apartment.

Frasier: Oh Roz, you're here.
Roz: Is that your idea of an apology for making me work on a
Saturday and then getting here late?!
Frasier: I was detained.

They enter the apartment.

Frasier: Roz, the most extraordinary thing happened. I was down at
the parking garage, when suddenly I was blinded by a set of
headlights. A mysterious man crept from the shadows and
told me I should run for condo board president.
Roz: You've been at your wine club, haven't you?!
Frasier: No. This really happened.
Niles: Surely you're not actually thinking of running? You've
never held an elected office in your life.
Frasier: Are you forgetting I served two terms back in high school
as grand panem tandrum of the vocabulary club!
Roz: Listen, Frasier, this job is a nightmare. Trust me, I know.
Like if somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you
day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox
until they get what they want.
Frasier: Have you served on a condo board?
Roz: No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.

Daphne enters struggling with grocery bags.

Daphne: Hello, all. [they greet her]
Niles: Let me help you with those. [he does]
Daphne: Thanks. I've had to lug these things five blocks. This
morning, Mrs. Langer gave me one of those no-no slips for
parking in the same vacant space I've been using for years.
Frasier: God, I'm sorry, Daphne, I'm afraid this is my fault. Ms.
Langer's simply retaliated against me. You see, last night
I rather humiliated her in a dazzling display of rhetoric!
Daphne: I heard you spilled your briefcase all over the floor.
Frasier: You know, this building has a grapevine Ernest & Julio Gallo
would envy! You know, perhaps I should run against Ms.
Langer. God knows, she's ripe for a good comeuppance!
Daphne: Oh, I know exactly what you mean, Dr. Crane. I was standing
behind her in the elevator the other day, looking at the
back of her head and I thought, you know, several stout
whacks with a tire iron and this building would be a much
happier place! I'll just get these bags off to the kitchen.

Daphne exits with the bags.

Niles: Frasier, this Langer woman sounds as if she wields
considerable power. What if you run against her
and lose?
Roz: I'm with Niles, let somebody else do it.
Frasier: What an appalling expression of apathy. What kind of a world
do you think this would be if everyone thought the way you two
do? [Niles exits to the kitchen to help Daphne]
Roz: Everyone does think the way we do.
Frasier: And look at the kind of world it is! Corruption in high
places, illiterates unconcerned with the real issues because
they are too consumed with the same selfish pleasures!
Niles: [enters with an eclair] Is this eclair spoken for?
Frasier: It's mine, put it back! [he does] Where will this all lead?
The point is, if you're not willing to get involved then you
have no right to grumble when things don't go your way.

Martin enters with Eddie.

Martin: Look at this. I've got two slips for not taking Eddie in the
freight elevator. It's ridiculous, everybody uses the main
elevator. Mrs. Tortwurst has her dog, Fluffy, in there all
the time.
Frasier: [takes slip] Oh, that's it, I am running for condo board
president. The time comes in every man's life when he must
meet face to face with a challenge, rather than skitter away
like a coward.
Martin: Well, I'm proud of you son, that's a way a Crane talks!

Niles then enters from the kitchen and meets Martin. They both
start mumbling at each other, completely nervous. Martin runs
in the kitchen as Niles runs quickly out the door. Roz looks at
Frasier in confusion.

FADE TO:

WHAT WE HAVE HERE
IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE


Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
The following day, Daphne is sat reading "Seattle Magazine" in
Martin's chair.

Daphne: Okay, Eddie, now.

Eddie is stood on the coffee table. He has a cloth in his mouth and
walks back and forth along the table "cleaning" it. Frasier enters
and stares.

Daphne: Good boy, Eddie. Now, go make dinner.

Eddie trots off to the kitchen as Daphne bursts out laughing.

Daphne: It's just a little joke Eddie and I have been working on.
Frasier: Too bad, it explains so much. [looks at a no-no slip on the
side] What is this? Another one?
Daphne: Oh, yes, it seems your father got it last night. I guess
he's just refusing to take Eddie in the freight elevator.
Of course, all of that will be different once you're elected.
Frasier: Yes, but we don't want to jinx it, Daphne. I must say, I
think my chances are very good after this epistle I found
this morning on my windshield. It's from the Resistance!

Daphne reads it.

Daphne: [reads] "Dear Dr. Crane, we have polled the building. The
election is yours, good work. Signed, Anonymous." But
wouldn't this be more anonymous if it didn't say, "from the
desk of Dr. William M. Dorfman"?
Frasier: Yes, well, now you see why they need me. With this lead
aside, I still wish I had a punchier opening for this speech
I wrote this morning. Well, I'm running out of time.
Unless, yes... I think Ms. Langer may have given me the very
amm*nit*on I need for my opening salvo. We'll just see how
the voters feel about a woman who tries to persecute a
disabled ex-policeman and his loyal old dog.
Daphne: You know, it will be nice to live a building where anyone
can hang whatever they damn well please on their door!
Frasier: Of course! [then] Well, pending my approval.

Frasier exits as Martin cautiously enters.

Martin: Is he gone?
Daphne: Well, yes. You're not avoiding him, are you?
Martin: Well, yeah, kind of. I mean, it's pretty embarrassing about
getting caught last night in that hot tub and then the whole
building's talking about it.
Daphne: Well, what happened?
Martin: You haven't heard?
Daphne: No.
Martin: Oh! Well... never mind!
Daphne: No, no, no, no, what?
Martin: Well, after dinner last night my hip was getting kinda stiff
so I went down to the hot tub. Well, you know how it is when
you kick up the jets and your trunks fill up like a hot air
balloon.
Daphne: No, but go on.
Martin: Well, there was nobody about so I just slipped out of them
and tossed them on the deck.
Daphne: You mean you were...?
Martin: Yeah, just floatin' free. So, I was sitting there minding my
own business, you know, and letting the bubbles do their work
and suddenly old lady Langer shows up. She sees my trunks
and she writes me out a no-no slip right there and then.
Daphne: You mean the no-no slip was for being naked in the hot tub?
Martin: Yeah.
Daphne: Oh, I told Dr. Crane it was because you took Eddie in the
elevator. Oh, dear, I've got to get down to that condo
meeting.
Martin: Why?
Daphne: Well, I don't know what's going on down there but suddenly I
have a very queasy feeling!

Daphne exits a rush.

Martin: Just what Ms. Langer said when she tossed me my trunks.

Scene Three - Condo Board Meeting.
The building is gathered, including Frasier, as Langer finishes her
speech.

Langer: So, you can vote for me - a person who has worked this past
year to keep this building running smoothly - or you can turn
the building over to a man who can scarcely keep his own
family under control. Thank you.

She sits to a polite applause.

Frasier: [stands] Hello, condo owners. I'm sorry my opponent has
chosen to be vindictive about my family, but that is merely
characteristic of her behaviour during her entire term in
office. How else would one explain this? [brings out no-no
slip] This citation my father received last night is a
perfect example of the prejudice that this woman is capable
of.
Langer: We are all aware of your father's behaviour last night.
I'm surprised you're not too afraid to bring it up.
Frasier: Ashamed? Not at all! I defend his behaviour! So he had
his little friend out where he shouldn't be. So what? He's
been doing it for years!
Langer: You approve of his behaviour?
Frasier: Approve? I applaud it! Have you no compassion? My father
is getting older, hasn't many pleasures left in life. I
can't tell you the hours of joy that that little guy has
brought him! And not just him. Who among us can't help but
break into a smile upon seeing the little fella? Oh, I know,
you know, sometimes it is irksome when his little Eddie
appears at any inopportune moments, but...
Langer: He's named it Eddie?
Frasier: Well, "Eddie"'s, of course, not a name I might have chose.
I might have gone with something a bit more - oh, I don't
know, whimsical like, er, oh... Puck!

The audience is really shocked by now. Frasier misinterprets this.

Frasier: You know, the clodsom sprite from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer
Night's Dream." Don't look so shocked! Whom does it really
harm if he unleashes Eddie once in a while? Come on, it's
not as though he's alone in this beheviour. Mrs. Tortwurst,
I've seen you do the same thing many times with your Fluffy.
[she is shocked] You know, if you ask me, not only
is this behaviour harmless, it's laudable. Why, you should
see the looks on the faces of the schoolchildren when he
takes Eddie out to the playground.

Daphne enters amid all this confusion and whispers sharply in
Frasier's ear. Frasier takes some time to sink in the information.

Frasier: On the other hand... we all need rules. [turns to Daphne]
Go! Go! Go!

Daphne and Frasier run out, Frasier peers round the door.

Frasier: Oh, and sorry about the knocker.

Frasier exits, leaving everyone confused.

End of Act Two.

Credits:

We see the view from the back of the elevator. The doors open
revealing Ms. Langer who steps inside. She waits for the elevator to
come to a halt. We then see a baguette hover above Ms. Langer's head,
ready to strike. The elevator is then shown from a different angle,
it seems Daphne is the one who is holding the bread stick. Ms. Langer
looks round at her as Daphne quickly covers her actions by taking a
bite of the french bread. Ms. Langer finally leaves the elevator
allowing Daphne to stick the bread stick in her bag almost like an
Avenger with her g*n.