04x13 - Four For The Seesaw

[bunniefuu]

Act One

Scene One - Radio Station.
Frasier is coming towards the end of his radio show.

Frasier: Well, listeners, flu season is upon us again. As is
customary, KACL is offering its employees and their
families free flu sh*ts. Now, in order to show the
importance of getting a flu sh*t, I am going to put
aside my lifelong fear of needles and be inoculated
right here over the air when we come back.

Frasier presses a button as Martin and Daphne enter.

Martin: We've been sitting out here half an hour, I've got places to
go.
Frasier: Well, Dr. Claman is on his way, dad.
Roz: [enters booth] Frasier, are you afraid of needles?
Frasier: Oh, not really, no. I just say that to encourage people
that really are.
Roz: Well, they can use the help. You know, those needles they
use are about this long [uses finger to show great length]
and if it hits a nerve when it's going into the muscle...
[Frasier squirms]
Daphne: sh*ts are perfectly harmless. You've got nothing to worry
about. Well, sure, you hear the occasional story about
somebody getting an air bubble in their vein or the needle
getting stuck in a bone and the tip breaking off - but
that's the exception.
Martin: Oh, that's it! We're out of here.
Daphne: Well, what about my flu sh*t? I always get a flu sh*t!
Martin: Well, you're not getting a flu sh*t today, you told me you'd
drop me off at McGinty's. Now, I told Duke I'd meet him at
five 'o clock sharp and he'd pounce if I were not there on
time. He sits there with his bottom lip stuck out and eats
all of the Brazil nuts out of the bowl because he knows I
like them! So, come on, let's go.

Martin drags Daphne out.

Frasier: Nice to know that men in bars still settle their disputes
the old fashioned way, isn't it?

Dr. Claman enters. Roz is obviously taken aback by him as usual.

Claman: Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh, Dr. Claman.
Claman: Sorry I'm late. My last patient was a bleeder.
Frasier: [worried] Oh...
Roz: Fifteen seconds.
Frasier: Where are my manners? [to Roz] Perhaps you should be
inoculated first.
Roz: I already had my sh*t. [seductively to Claman] But I could
sure use a checkup! [to Frasier] You're on.

Roz exits to her booth.

Frasier: [presses button] All right, folks, we're back. Em, joining
us for this last minute of our show is Dr. Morris Claman
who's going to give me my flu sh*t. Uh, but, you know,
what's the rush? Perhaps we'd be interested in finding out
what strains of flu you've isolated this year.
Claman: Primarily Singaporian and Guatemalan, would you roll up
your sleeve, please.
Frasier: And how do you suppose they travelled here?
Claman: No idea. Roll up your sleeve.
Frasier: [rolling sleeve] Could it have been a careless tourist? A
baggage handler? A tainted wok?
Roz: Dr. Crane, we're almost out of time. You do want to get
that sh*t, don't you?
Frasier: [no, no] Yes, yes.
Claman: Right, first I'm just gonna swab the area with a little
alcohol and then I'm going to give you the sh*t. [swabs it]
There, that's done.
Frasier: Really? Well, that didn't hurt at all. The newly immunised
Dr. Frasier Crane, signing off.

Frasier presses a button as Dr. Claman takes a big needle from his bag.

Claman: No, no, no, that was just the alcohol. This is the needle.

Frasier turns round and comes face to face with it, letting out a
huge scream as Claman goes to inject him that causes Roz to jump and
tear off her headphones.

FADE OUT

DESIGNS


Scene Two - Café Nervosa.
The Café is busy when Frasier and Roz enter to meet Niles.

Niles: Well, you're late. All the tables are taken.
Roz: No, uh-er, there's one right there. Dibs on that table.
Frasier: Roz, Niles was here first.
Roz: No, but I'm meeting someone. Please, guys?
Niles: Oh, who is it? Another one of your till-dawn-do-us-part
relationships?
Roz: No, twerp! It's a guy who I think really has a chance.
I can sense a lot of chemistry between us.

Dr. Claman enters and greets them.

Frasier: Dear God! When did you two even get out of my sight?!
Roz: You blanked out for thirty seconds after he gave you the
sh*t!

Roz and Claman go to a table.

Niles: No-one is budging, we're going to be here forever.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I suppose we could share a table. There's a
couple of seats available there.

Frasier points out the window seat where two women are sat chatting.

Niles: Oh, good Lord, we can't sit with strange women.
Frasier: Why not? We married strange women! [they laugh]
Niles: But really, I'm not in the mood.
Frasier: You know, just try to relax. It'll do you good to do
something spontaneous for a change.
Niles: I just... I just... I wouldn't know what to say. And besides,
I'm a married man.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, please, when will you get rid of that tired old
excuse - your off again/off again relationship with Maris?

Frasier and Niles go to the table.

Frasier: Hello, ladies, excuse me, would you mind terribly if we
joined you until another table opens us?
Laura: Oh, please do!
Frasier: Oh, thank you so much, that's very kind. [sits beside Laura]
I'm Frasier and... [looks at Niles dusting his chair] and this
gentleman dusting for fingerprints is my brother, Niles.
[Niles sits]
Laura: I'm Laura, and this is Beth.

They all greet each other.

[N.B. Lisa Darr and Peri Gilpin were both regulars on the short-lived
TV series, "Flesh n' Blood."]

Frasier: So... what do you two ladies do?
Beth: Er, you don't want to hear about it.
Niles: Well, why don't we?
Laura: It's just boring - to guys, anyway.
Beth: Yeah, their eyes just glaze over when the subject comes up.
Frasier: Oh, come on, come on. We're not your average bozos off the
street. Why don't you try us?
Laura: [resigned] We design kitchens.

The brothers gasp in awe.

Frasier: On the contrary! I am always ready to debate the merits of
downdraft cook tops and ceramic tile backsplashes.
Laura: Whoa! Whose little boy are you?
Niles: Yes, and just the mention of a double-bowl stainless steel
sink with integral drain boards makes me hum like a sub-zero
freezer!

Beth and Laura are just as surprised and delighted as the boys.

Frasier: You know, I think the key to a good kitchen is comfort.
Beth: Well, that's a whole current trend - a living room feel in
the kitchen.
Niles: Except of course with our father, who favours a kitchen
feel in the living room!

Everyone laughs, especially Beth.

Beth: That's funny! You're very witty. [bats her eyes at him]
Niles: [embarrassed] Thank you.
Frasier: Oh look, Niles, a table has opened up. [starts to get up]
Laura: Oh, no, no, don't! Stay.
Beth: Yeah, this is fun.
Frasier: Well, yes, it is fun, isn't it, Niles?
Niles: Well, I told you it would be.
Frasier: Well, I'll go get us some coffees.

Frasier goes to the counter.

Niles: You know I, I...

Niles trails off as Beth, without taking her eyes from his, dips her
biscotti in her coffee and seductively nibbles on the end.

Niles: I'll help.

Niles goes to Frasier.

Frasier: I knew you'd panic!
Niles: Well, I'm sorry, this is still a little new for me. And
besides, those two are coming on to us.
Frasier: You know, they are very attractive, Niles.
Niles: I know!
Frasier: Maybe we should ask them out?
Niles: On a date? We just met!
Frasier: Good point, Niles! Perhaps we should go out with them a few
more times before we ask them on a date!
Niles: I just mean it seems a little rash.
Frasier: Well, that's exactly why we should do it. [picks up coffees]
We're being spontaneous today. Come on.
Niles: Well, I am enjoying this... er, all right, I'll do it. Oh,
oh, wait. We're making an assumption here.
Frasier: Hmm?
Niles: We could both we interested in the same woman.
Frasier: Good Lord, I hadn't thought of that.
Niles: All right, I'll declare. I'm interested in Beth.
Frasier: Good! Good, we really dodged the b*llet there. [pause]
Which one's Beth?
Niles: Oh, it's this one here.
Frasier: Great!

Frasier and Niles go to the table.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Beth & Niles and Frasier & Laura enter the apartment.

Frasier: Here we are.
Laura: Oh, Frasier, what a great apartment.
Frasier: Well, it's just a little something I threw together.
You know, an objet here, an antique there.
Beth: [notices Martin's chair] And there's the chair. Wow,
he wasn't kidding!
Martin: [enters] Oh, hi.
Frasier: Dad.
Niles: Dad, meet Beth Armstrong and Laura Paris.

They greet each other.

Martin: Please, have a seat, sit down. [they do] So, you've been out
on a double date, huh?
Beth: Well, sort of. We met this afternoon and the next thing we
knew, your sons were taking us out to dinner and then to the
Seattle Rep.
Martin: Oh, what did you see?
Laura: "The Man Who Came To Dinner." It's about a bad-tempered
invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives
them crazy.
Martin: Oh, comedy?
Frasier: [enters with brandy on tray] I used to think so!
Martin: Well, Mr. Smart Alec, as a matter of fact, I was just about
to do a favour for you. Sherry and I can't make it to the
mountains this weekend and the cabin's already paid for, so
I thought maybe you'd like to use it.
Frasier: Well, thank you, dad, but Laura and I have plans to go to
the symphony.
Martin: Oh, how about you, Niles?
Niles: Oh, Beth and I are attending an art opening.
Martin: Well, if you hear of anybody. Nice meeting you, ladies.
I'm really glad the boys brought you over. And it's been a
long time since I said that and meant it!

Martin exits to his room as they pick up their brandies.

Niles: Well, dad wasn't really thrilled with the women we married.
Frasier: Yes, fortunately my taste has improved a lot since then.
Laura: [suggestive] I think your taste is fabulous. [pause] I'm
referring to the brandy, of course.
Frasier: [looking into his glass] Hmm, velvety texture, great body...
I'm not. [Laura smiles at him]
Niles: Well, in honour of what happened today - a toast to winging
it! What greater thrill is there than going down an unknown
path, not quite sure where it will lead, just enjoying the
way that path winds, and what it looks like, and where it
goes off to... er.....
Frasier: Perhaps you should have left a trail of breadcrumbs before
you started down that toast!
Laura: You know, Frasier, I'd hate to see you miss a weekend in the
country just to take me to the symphony, we can go next
week.
Frasier: Maybe that... I have a thought. In the spirit of spontaneity
that has carried us this far - why don't we postpone our
plans are all go to the cabin together this weekend?
Laura: I'd love that.
Beth: Sounds like fun.
Frasier: Well, then, it's settled. Saturday morning we ride the high
country!
Niles: Say, you two have been here five minutes and you haven't
seen Frasier's kitchen yet.
Frasier: There's really nothing special about it.
Niles: Let's let the professionals judge that.
Laura: I am kind of curious to take a peek.
Niles: Well, peek away.

The girls get up and head to the kitchen.

Niles: And some day when you speak of his faux granite countertops -
and you will - be kind.
Beth: [stops to look at him] You are SO funny.

Beth and Laura exit to the kitchen.

Frasier: What's going on?!
Niles: Well, things are going rather fast. Just going out this
evening was a big step, but something that involves packing
a suitcase, and given my situation, I can't...
Frasier: Niles! When you are going to stop letting Maris be an
anchor on your social life?
Niles: Oh, surely that is the most tortured metaphor you've ever
come up with! Maris, an anchor?!

They argue about this.

Frasier: Even if she's lightweight... For God's sake, oh would you
just stop it, you're changing the subject! This afternoon,
for the first time in your life, a perfectly lovely woman
that you don't even know has agreed to go away with you on
a weekend. Isn't that exactly the kind of scenario you've
always dreamed of?

Niles thinks about it, and is unable to keep from smiling.

Niles: Yes.
Frasier: And if you pass it up, won't you regret it?
Niles: [more energetic] Yes.
Frasier: Well then, for once in your timid, risk-free life, don't
you think it's time you grabbed for that brass ring?

The girls enter.

Laura: Great kitchen, Frasier! You guys feel like f*ring up the
cappuccino maker?
Niles: [with gusto] Yes! [pause] Of course, if I have that
much caffeine at this hour, it'll probably make me...
[Frasier hits him] YES!!!

End of Act One

Act Two

LET'S VUITTON WITH IT


Scene One - Cabin.
Frasier, Niles, Laura & Beth enter the cabin with their luggage.

Frasier: Ah, here we are.
Laura: Oh, this place is perfect.
Beth: Don't you just love this air? Oh, I am going to sleep like
a baby.
Laura: Me too.
Frasier: I hope you don't mind roughing it. There's no radio or
television.
Laura: I guess we'll just have to make our own entertainment!
Beth: We should be able to manage that. Come on, let's go look
around outside.
Niles: We'll start the fire and we'll be right out.
Beth: Okay.

Beth and Laura exit.

Frasier: Well, I think things are going rather well, don't you?
Niles: Yes they are, and thank you for twisting my arm.
Frasier: You feel like a new man, don't you?
Niles: I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack
one! [they laugh] Ah, you know, I just wish I were sure that
Beth and I were on the same page. It's been so long, I've
forgotten how to read all the signals.
Frasier: Well Niles, you don't need a decoder ring to understand the
phrase, "Make our own entertainment"!
Niles: [naughty chuckle] No-o!

The boys laugh.

Frasier: Then again, there was that other statement about sleeping
like a baby.
Niles: Exactly! They could be thinking platonic. The two of them
in one room, sleeping like babies.
Frasier: The two of us in another, crying like babies.
Niles: Well, we're all adults, I suppose we could just ask them
what they have in mind.
Frasier: That's the worst thing we could do! What if they're not
interested? They'll be embarrassed and it'll ruin the entire
weekend.
Niles: Oh, I know! Their luggage will tell us! We'll put my bag
in with your date's, and your bag in with my date's.
They'll see the mistake, and the way they correct it will
tell us with whom they're planning to spend the night - each
other, or us - and either way, it'll all look like a simple
misunderstanding.
Frasier: You've done this before!
Niles: Only on my honeymoon, now hurry!

Frasier and Niles go about this operation. Then Frasier stops.

Frasier: Niles, this is idiotic! We're both trained psychiatrists.
Niles: Yes, and finally it's paying off!

Laura and Beth enter.

Laura: Oh, Frasier, this place is heaven.
Beth: Why don't we open up a bottle of wine and watch the sunset?
Niles: You know, the sun won't be setting for a little while yet.
Just think how much more we'll enjoy it if we got all our
unpacking done first!
Beth: That can wait.
Laura: Er, by the way, Beth and I were talking, and I don't know what
you guys have in mind for tonight and sorry if this sounds
kind of forward, but we would like to avoid an awkward,
uncomfortable situation by getting this out in the open right
now.

The boys are hopeful.

Laura: When we go out to dinner tonight, it's on us.
Frasier: [let down] Well, that's awfully nice of you. Speaking of
awkwardness... er, did you know....
Niles: Look at that sunset!

The girls go to the window.

Frasier: Are you as crazed by this as I am?
Niles: It's driving me out of my mind.
Frasier: Oh, all right! I'm going to settle this once and for all.
Now, just follow my lead.

Frasier and Niles walk up to the window with the girls.

Frasier: Yes, now that is lovely, isn't it?

Frasier puts his arm around Laura's waist, she snuggles up to him.

Niles: Yes, it is magnificent.

Niles puts his arm around Beth's, she snuggles up to him. The boys
lean back behind the girls and exchange faces that say, "Bingo!"

However, Laura and Beth then put their arms around each other, like
friends. The boys lean back again with faces that say, "Now what?!"

FADE TO:

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne is sat with a towel over her head, on the couch, over a bowl
of hot water as Martin enters and sits on his chair with a beer.

Martin: Not feeling so hot, huh?

Daphne sits up and gives him an evil look.

Martin: What did the doctor say?
Daphne: He says I've got... Oh, what was that medical term he used?
Oh, I remember - flu!
Martin: I'm really sorry I didn't let you get that flu sh*t.
Is there anything at all that I can do for you?
Daphne: Well, when I was a little girl and got sick, Grammy Moon used
to read me to sleep. It's a great comfort.
Martin: Oh. [picks up book] Is this what you're reading?
Daphne: Yeah.
Martin: "The Rose And The Rapier"?!
Daphne: Well, if you're not in the mood... [sneezes, coughs violently
and then sprays a breath freshener into her mouth] You don't
have to.
Martin: No, no, I'll do it.
Daphne: The bookmark's where I left off.

Daphne relaxes on the sofa.

[N.B. "The Rose & the Rapier" is the novel written by Deirdre Sauvage,
the romance novelist from [3.07] "The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty
Girl."]

Martin: All right. Okay. [reads] "With a gasp of dismay, she ran to
him, her amethyst eyes wide with alarm. 'You fool,' she
hissed, 'Suppose someone saw you. The Duke's men are
everywhere'." [looks up] Hey, this isn't so bad.
Daphne: I told you.
Martin: [reads] "'You fool,' she whispered again, 'You sweet, brave,
wonderful fool. I should have d*ed had you not found my
bedchamber.'" [suddenly embarrassed] Oh, Geez! [reads] "Then
she was in his arms and all her qualms forgotten as she...
[shifts in chair] ...tore his tunic asunder and thrust her
eager lips against the sinews of his naked chest."

Martin looks over to Daphne who seems to be asleep. He turns some
pages.

Martin: [reads] "The next morning..."
Daphne: You left out a section!
Martin: Okay, okay! [goes back, reads] "As his brazen fingers peeled
the silken fabric from her heaving... [coughs the word "bosum"
out as he turns red] ...he beheld her quivering alabaster
mounds. [takes a huge gulp of his beer to wet his suddenly
dry throat] At that moment she felt the proof of his rampant
passion... [he sweeps his forehead of sweat] against her
milky thighs. His almost God-like beauty was marred only...

Martin looks over to a sleeping Daphne.

Martin: ...by the fact that he was..." [closes book] cross-eyed,
three feet tall and had breath like owl droppings!

Martin looks over to Daphne who is obviously dead to the world, he
looks content.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Cabin.
That evening, Frasier, Niles, Laura and Beth are sat by the fire with
glasses of wine.

Laura: Is there anything more relaxing than just lazing by the fire
with a good glass of wine?
Beth: Nothing I know of.
Niles: You two must be relaxed. Sitting there so calmly when there
is still all that unpacking to do.
Beth: Oh Niles, we didn't bring that much.
Laura: Yeah, we didn't think we'd need too many clothes this weekend!

Frasier and Niles look at each other wondering if this was a hint.

Laura: Well, I hate to break things up but I'm getting a little
sleepy, so I'm going to get ready for bed.
Beth: Yeah, it is getting kinda late. [to Frasier, re: wine glass]
Are you finished with that?

Frasier hands over the glass as Beth goes to the kitchen. Laura,
meanwhile, goes to a bedroom. Niles and Frasier meet in the middle.

Frasier: Niles, this is tearing me apart!
Niles: These women are inscrutable as sphinxes!
Frasier: Yes, they've got us into some most veiled, cloaked, cryptic
messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?!
Beth: [crossing the room] Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you
coming?

Beth exits to another bedroom.

Niles: [not realising] Curse these infernal riddles!
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: [realises] So she really said what I thought she said?
Frasier: Yes, go!
Niles: Suitcase! Suitcase!

The boys exchange cases.

Niles: There you are.
Frasier: Sleep well.
Niles: Oh, you too.

Frasier notices Niles pick up his mobile phone and dial.

Frasier: Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: Oh, never mind. [into phone] Yes, is Mrs. Crane there? Yes,
I'll hold.
Frasier: What is this, some sort of weird, kinky foreplay?!
Niles: I'm starting to feel guilty about this.
Frasier: Now?!
Niles: I'm sorry, I just need to clarify the ground rules of Maris's
and my separation.
Frasier: Oh, fine, fine. I think you might look back on this one day
as your darkest hour. But, do what you want to.

Frasier exits to the bedroom where Laura is waiting.

Niles: [into phone] Yes, Maris. Er, it occurred to me, we never laid
out the rules about our dating other people and what we could
and couldn't do.
Beth: [o.s.] Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: [covers phone] Coming. [into phone] I, er, well, here's the
thing: I know that we're allowed to see other people. Em, my
question is, how much of them are we allowed to see?

The door to his room opens. Beth stands in the doorway in a nightie
in which Niles can see all. She beckons him.

Niles: [reeling slightly, holds up a finger, whispering:] Be with you
in a second. [she smiles and goes back in; into phone] I'm
sorry, what? Oh, really? Well, that's wonderful, that's all
I needed to know. Thank you.

Niles hangs up and knocks on Frasier's door. Frasier opens the door
looking rather angry. His shirt is half unbuttoned

Frasier: Yes?
Niles: You were wrong. Maris says she doesn't mind at all.
Frasier: Ah! Well then, off you go!

Frasier exits back to his room.

Niles: Let the revels begin!

Niles takes the bottle of wine and himself into Beth's room.
However, he isn't in there two seconds before Niles re-enters the
main room, still with the wine, and goes to knock on Frasier's door.
Frasier answers it, with more anger, this time his whole shirt is
unbuttoned and he is starting to undo his trouser belt.

Frasier: What?!
Niles: Why doesn't Maris mind at all?
Laura: [o.s] What's going on?
Frasier: Er, nothing, just a second, it's Niles. I'll be a moment.
[then, to Niles] Why do you care?
Niles: Well, because she could have taken a lover herself and this
is her way of alleviating her guilt.
Frasier: Okay, Niles, so what do you want to do? Do you want to stew
over that all night - let her have all the fun?
Niles: Well, no, of course not.
Frasier: Well, then - [with somewhat less oomph] Off you go!

Frasier watches as Niles takes the wine bottle up to Beth's room,
kicks the door open with his feet, and enters in macho pride. Frasier
retires back to his room. The room is dark. However, Niles's mobile
starts ringing in the room. Niles comes out again.

Beth: [o.s] Niles!
Niles: Er, momentito.

Niles answers his phone.

Niles: Hello? Yes, Maris. Oh, I see, but... all right.

Niles hangs up, confused. He then, once again, knocks on Frasier's
door. This time he is wearing only his boxers

Frasier: Yes!!
Laura: [o.s] Frasier!
Frasier: I'll just be a second.
Niles: She changed her mind, she doesn't want me to go through with
this. Do you realise what's happening here?
Frasier: Yes! Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life! Give me that!

Frasier snatches Niles's phone. However it starts ringing again.
This makes Frasier extremely mad as he moves towards the front door.

Niles: Could I... What are you doing?

Frasier opens the door and throws it out as it stops ringing.
He closes the door.

Niles: [shocked] What are you doing? What if she's changed her
mind again, how I am supposed to know what to think?
Frasier: I'm just going to say this one last time. This weekend is
not about thinking, it's about doing. Doing something that
the Crane boys haven't done for a very, very long time! For
once in our miserable, sex-starved lives, can't we do
something pleasurable without thinking it to death?!

Unaware to the boys, Laura and Beth enter the room.

Frasier: Don't think about today, don't think about what's right!
Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth! [Laura crosses
her arms] For tonight they are just two live, breathing,
available female bodies who want us!
Laura: Think again!

Niles and Frasier turn around in shock to see Laura and Beth exiting
to the two separate bedroom, slamming the doors behind them.

Frasier gives Niles a look. However, this gets worse when we hear
Niles's mobile phone resonating from outside. Niles opens the door
and looks out.

Niles: Do you remember which snow bank you threw my phone into?
Frasier: Oh, I think I could hit it again! [seizes him by the shirt]
Niles: Frasier! Frasier! Frasier!

Frasier pushes Niles out of the door.

End of Act Two

Credits:

That night, Frasier and Niles are sleeping in the living room of the
cabin. Frasier is on the sofa, with some covers on him, whilst Niles
is curled up on the floor shivering.

Frasier wakes up and looks over to Niles. He takes a pillow over to
him, as if to give him some comfort. But instead, he just starts
hitting him over the head with it in anger. Niles awakes to this.
As Frasier resettles on the couch, he shivers himself back to sleep.