05x15 - Room Service

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE

THE ICE WOMAN COMETH


Scene One – KACL
Frasier is on the air. He has just begun to listen to Betsy.

Frasier: Good afternoon, Betsy. I'm listening.
Betsy: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. My problem is that my husband wants to
take me on a cruise for our anniversary.
Frasier: Well, that sounds enchanting.

Roz holds up a card that says "bathroom." Frasier dismisses it.

Betsy: Yes, except I keep having this dream where I'm in a cabin
asleep, and I see a drop of water beginning to leak up and
at first it's just a trickle, but then it's a stream, and
then it's gushing, pouring water everywhere and there's
nothing in the world that I can do to stop this.

These words eventually get to Roz and all she can do is leave without
permission.

Frasier: That's a very powerful image, wouldn't you say so, Roz? [sees
she has gone] Roz agrees.

Meanwhile, Roz bumps into Boston's ice woman in the corridor.
Roz, however, must cross her legs together.

Lilith: Excuse me, I'm looking for Frasier Crane, they said he was
up here.
Roz: Lilith it's me, Roz... Doyle.
Lilith: [recognizing] Oh yes, Frasier's fun-loving producer.. [sees
Roz's pregnant lump] ...who's apparently having a bit too much
fun loving.
Roz: You know, I'd love to send one back at you, but I gotta pee!

Roz runs off to the little girls' room as Lilith enters listening to
Frasier's final thoughts.

Frasier: [on air] Well that's all the time we have today. This is
Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a good day and good mental...
[sees Lilith] AHHH! [explains] I'm sorry, someone just walked
into the room and frightened me. It's, uh, my ex-wife, so if
you're a regular listener you'll know what I'm talking about!
I'll see you Monday.

Frasier signs off and enters Roz's booth.

Frasier: Oh, hello Lilith.
Lilith: Surprise.
Frasier: Yeah well, we're past that now, aren't we? Well, what brings
you to Seattle?
Lilith: I'm here for the national conference on self-psychology.
Frasier: Oh! And how is Frederick?
Lilith: Fine. We have an amazing child.
Frasier: Yes, we have. And, uh, Brian?
Lilith: Fine. I have an amazing husband.
Frasier: Yes, yes. So, did you two get that gift basket I sent you
for the holidays?

Lilith falls down crying as Roz runs back into the booth, confused by
the matter.

Roz: What did you do to her?
Frasier: Nothing, I sent her a gift basket, fruits and festive nuts!
Lilith: Oh, it's not the basket, you nit! It's Brian... he left me.
Roz: Maybe I should go.
Lilith: Oh no, everyone else knows, you might as well know it too.
Brian was looking for someone a bit more feminine... and he
found him!

Frasier and Roz trade a shocked look.

Lilith: Oh, Stan Jablonski, that little hussy! [Roz leaves]
Frasier: Oh, [takes her in his arms] Lilith, oh, I am genuinely sorry.
Lilith: I didn't know where to turn, but I knew somehow you'd be here
for me.
Frasier: So you didn't come for the conference?
Lilith: No.
Frasier: You know, you really shouldn't be alone tonight. Er, Niles
and I are atending a reception at the Union Club, would you
like to join us?
Lilith: Oh thank you Frasier, I'd love to. I don't if I deserve your
compassion, but I feel better already just holding your strong
comforting hands.
Frasier: You know I'll always be here for you.

They stand and embrace.

Lilith: Oh, I could stay in these arms all day.
Frasier: Ah, [looks at watch] yes - well, em, you'll have to excuse me.
I have an appointment, station manager, very important,
can't be broken. I'll, em, see you tonight. [delirious]
Bye bye.

Frasier slowly walks away. He is very rigid and cannot believe what
has just happened. He exits as Roz enters.

Roz: Hey, that's rough; leaving you for another man! Did you have
any idea?
Lilith: No, none at all. Stan was a contractor we had hired to extend
our master bedroom. It's ironic, isn't it - no sooner do I get
the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.

Lilith exits, leaving a bewildered Roz behind.

FADE OUT

STRANGE INTERLUDE


Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa
Later that day, Niles is at a table when Frasier enters.

Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Ah, Frasier.
Frasier: [sees what he's eating] Mmm, that bun looks good.
Niles: Now, now, remember your diet.
Frasier: [sits] Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back!
Niles: Oh, that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets
this morning.
Frasier: Now go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this:
for a man.
Niles: Damn! I owe Dad five dollars!
Frasier: Poor thing, she's obviously devastated - her entire world has
been turned upside down. Oh, look who I'm talking to. No one
knows better than you how much a messy divorce can leave one...

Frasier notices that Niles has fallen asleep and is snoring loudly.

Frasier: ...strangely relaxed! Niles? [taps him] Niles!
Niles: [as if nothing had happened] Yes?
Frasier: Am I boring you?
Niles: Did I do it again? I'm sorry Frasier, it seems I'm suffering
through a bout of narcolepsy.
Frasier: Good lord! When did this start?
Niles: Right after we started divorce proceedings. I checked with
my doctor, I'm fine - it's a reaction to stress. It's my way
of escaping the whole ugly mess! But I'm terribly sorry, go
on with what you were saying.
Frasier: Well, obviously Lilith is distraught and she's come to me to
help her make sense of the whole thing. I find it just a bit
disconcerting.
Niles: How so?
Frasier: Well, we have a destructive pattern: whenever she comes to me
in need I find her vulnerability highly desirable; against my
better judgment we end up in bed and I'm left with feelings
of regret.
Niles: And you felt this way about her today?
Frasier: Oh baby!
Niles: Well, do your best to avoid her.
Frasier: Well, I can't! She's joining us at the Union Club tonight.
Niles: What, she's going to be there?!
Frasier: Come on Niles, it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts talking
about their portfolios and prostates.
Niles: Exactly, and you've ruined it!

Niles's mobile phone rings, so he answers it.

Niles: [to phone] Yes? [to Frasier] Damn, it's one of Maris's cadre
of lawyers. [to phone] Er, we've been over that. No, I
can't. How dare you? She already has the house! I'm not
even allowed to visit the koi pond! Uh-huh. Uh-huh...

Niles falls asleep, so Frasier once again wakes him.

Niles: ...I'm not even allowed to visit the koi pond!
Frasier: Give me that! [takes phone from Niles and speaks into it]
He will call you back. [hangs up] Lord, aren't we a pair:
a narcoleptic and a weak-willed sexual obsessive. We're
like a couple of brothers out of an O'Neill play!

[N.B. Eugene O'Neill, American playwright - all the title cards are
based on the titles of his plays.]

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Apartment
Later in Frasier's apartment Martin is talking to Eddie. Daphne is
tidying up.

Martin: Hey Daph', come down here, I taught him a new trick.
Daphne: Oh, I love animal tricks. You know, I was reading in a movie
magazine where there's this stunt dog who they taught to ride
a motorcycle into a burning building, pick up a baby in its
teeth, then jump out the window to safety. What did you teach
Eddie?
Martin: [mock proud] To roll over.
Daphne: You must be very proud.

Eddie does indeed roll over.

Martin: Ah, forget it, Eddie!

Martin answers the door to Niles.

Martin: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Evening, dad, Daphne.
Frasier: [enters from kitchen] Hello, Niles. Sherry? I think we have
time before Lilith arrives.
Martin: [scared] What?! You never said she was coming up here!
Daphne: You just said you were going to dinner!
Martin: You never said she was coming up here!
Frasier: It's just to rendezvous, it's all of two minutes.
Martin: But you never told me! You've been home an hour and you never
told me, not a word, [to Daphne] did he say anything to you?
Daphne: No, nothing. [to Frasier] You could have told us, you know,
we could have made plans to be elsewhere.
Martin: [to Daphne] How come you didn't know about it? You used
to know these things, whenever she came around you'd get a
headache!

They begin arguing until Frasier intervenes.

Frasier: Alright, she's coming! Both of you suck it up! Lilith has
had a devastating week; her husband has left her. The least
you could do is show a little compassion, unless you'd like
to hide in your rooms because two minutes of polite
conversation with a woman in need is too much to ask!

Martin and Daphne look appropriately ashamed. Then the doorbell rings.

Martin: Outta my way!
Daphne: Me too!

They run for the hall and Martin drops his cane. Daphne moves to pick
it up-

Martin: Leave it!

When they have left Niles picks the cane up and stands it up.
Frasier goes to answer the door.

Niles: Remember Frasier, I'm here for you in case you feel yourself
starting to weaken.
Frasier: Oh I'm fine, believe me: I'm in complete control!

Frasier answers the door to Lilith. He is knocked back by her
appearance. She has her hair down and a short dress on. She has
a silk wrap around her arms.

Frasier: Oh baby!
Lilith: Thank you Frasier, I needed that. I treated myself to a
little shopping this afternoon. Probably just a pathetic
attempt to compensate for the battering my ego's taken
recently - it's pretty transparent, huh?
Frasier: [with his mind elsewhere] No, but if you stand in the light
maybe...
Niles: Frasier!
Lilith: [sees Niles] Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a
shambles.
Niles: Ditto.
Frasier: Now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, let me
take your wrap.

He takes it off her, revealing that the back is cut down to the base
of her spine.

Frasier: Yowsa! Oh Lilith, that dress is stunning.
Niles: Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?
Frasier: No!
Lilith: It's from a new Couture line called "Encore!"
Frasier: Well... bravo! I can almost feel the curtain rising!
Niles: Frasier! Excuse us, we'll be right back. Eddie will
entertain you.

Frasier and Niles exit to the kitchen. Lilith is left on her own as
Eddie jumps up onto the chair.

Lilith: Hello, Eddie.

He runs away, leaving her in tears.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Niles is getting a drink out of the fridge
as Frasier prattles on.

Frasier: Damn her lily-white hide! She knows what she's doing dressing
like that! That woman plays me like a lute – well, I guess
you know a thing or two about that! Huh! I've got all the
resistance of a horny stag! Niles, you've gotta help me get
through this... Niles!

Frasier realizes he's fallen asleep again in the fridge. Frasier wakes
him up.

Niles: Did I do it again?
Frasier: Yes, you fell asleep with your cheek right next to the ice
tray!
Niles: Oh, that's so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris!
Frasier: Niles, I need your help resisting Lilith!
Niles: Alright, alright, let me think, let me think... I think I have
the answer. When you feel yourself yielding to her, summon an
image so repellant you will be incapable of any sexual desire.
[thinks, then] Remember the summer we were at Uncle Henry's
farm and found that dead horse lying in the hot sun crawling
with maggots?
Frasier: Yes, of course.
Niles: Hold onto that picture. You can ride that horse to safety.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles, that just might do the trick. When it comes
to an ugly image, you can't b*at a dead horse! [g*ns down his
drink]
Niles: Feel up to facing her again?
Frasier: Yes! Let her bat her eyes all she wants to, she can push her
breasts up to Canada, I won't budge!

Niles chucks him on the shoulder, and they go out again.

FADE TO:

Scene Four - Hotel
In her hotel room, Lilith is lying naked in bed, entwined with a man.
However, the man is under the covers.

Lilith: Morning.

The man reveals himself with a sigh; it's Niles.

Niles: Morning.

END OF ACT ONE (Time: 10:00)

ACT TWO

LONG NIGHT'S
JOURNEY INTO DAY


Scene Five - Hotel
Niles and Lilith slowly wake up and realize what they've done.
They gasp and pull away from each other in bed.

Lilith: My God! What did we do? What did we do?
Niles: Well, first you put your...
Lilith: I know what we did! What do we do now?!
Niles: Let's just stay calm. These things happen, they happen every
day... [losing it] every day in Arkansas!

[N.B. The line in an earlier draft was, "Everyday in France and people
die for it!"]

Niles: Frasier is going to k*ll us! Oh, why did you have to look
so damned bewitching all evening?
Lilith: Why did you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?
Niles: Oh, there's no point pointing fingers. We both know why
this happened; last night was simply two wounded people
overcome with loneliness, confusion and...
Lilith: Tequila sh**t.
Niles: [moaning] Mmm-hmm.

There's a knock at the door, which scares Niles to death.
Lilith starts to pull on a robe.

Niles: [whispering] Who's that?!
Lilith: Don't panic, no one knows we're here.
Niles: I told Frasier I was driving you home.
Lilith: [panicked, whispering] Why did you do a stupid thing like
that?!
Niles: Well, it wasn't stupid at the time! How did I know the minute
we got in this room you'd be on me like a hawk on a titmouse!

The knock sounds again. Lilith goes to the door while Niles pulls on
a robe.

Lilith: Just be quiet. [clears throat] Who is it?
Waiter: [o.s.] Room Service, ma'am.
Lilith: Ah that's right, we ordered breakfast last night.

Lilith opens the door to a waiter pushing a cart with two plates on
it.

Waiter: Good morning ma'am, good morning sir. I have Eggs Benedict
and Eggs Florentine.
Lilith: Did you bring ketchup?
Waiter: Uh, no. Sorry, let me get that for you right now.
Niles: [confused] Ketchup on Eggs Florentine?
Waiter: [charmed] Oh! Your, uh, first breakfast together?
Lilith: [mad] Just get it!

He leaves as Niles examines the food.

Niles: Now I remember ordering this; it's the breakfast I always
have after a night of passion.
Lilith: Eggs Benedict? That's very rich.
Niles: I only have it once a year.

The door is knocked on again.

Lilith: That was quick. [goes to answer it]
Frasier: [o.s.] Lilith, are you awake?
Lilith: It's Frasier!
Niles: Oh my God! What do we do?
Lilith: Hide in the bathroom!
Niles: Right!

Niles runs in, but Lilith runs in with him. He pushes her out.

Niles: No, not you!
Frasier: Lilith?

She realizes the food cart could be a sign there are two people there
so she has a plan...

Lilith: Wait, take the cart with you! [pushes it into bathroom with
Niles]
Niles: [stops it] Wait! Food in the bathroom?
Lilith: Oh, just go!

Lilith pushes the cart in with Niles and goes to answer the door.
It's Frasier, and he's switched on horny mode.

Lilith: Hello, Frasier. What are you doing here?
Frasier: Surrendering, Lilith. I'm yours! [grabs her]
Lilith: Oh - no...
Frasier: Oh please, don't punish me for playing hard to get last night!
It took everything I had to resist you.
Lilith: Oh, this isn't right...
Frasier: Oh, who cares?! [embraces her] You're gonna tell me that when
you were lying in your bed last night you weren't thinking
about me?
Lilith: [honestly] Yes!
Frasier: Oh, drop the mask, Lilith! We both know why you came to
Seattle.
We both know why you dressed so enticingly last night.
Lilith: Oh, well...

There is a sound of a toilet flushing from the bathroom. Lilith looks
pensively at Frasier.

Frasier: There's someone in your bathroom?
Lilith: No, it's a defective toilet. It's been doing that all night,
I think I'll just go check it now.

Lilith enters the bathroom to confront Niles. However his narcolepsy
has taken over and he is asleep on the flush.

Lilith: [whispering] Niles!
Niles: [as if nothing happened] Yes?
Lilith: You fell asleep and flushed the toilet!
Niles: Damn! Is he still here?
Lilith: Yes. He wants to make love to me.
Niles: Does the man have no scruples?! He specifically asked me last
night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is
turned he sneaks back here - and yes, I'm aware of the irony.
Lilith: I'll just ask him to leave.

Lilith opens the bathroom door and enters the main room to ask Frasier
to leave. However Frasier has already shed his clothes and changed
into a dressing gown.

Lilith: My God!
Frasier: [saucily] My Goddess!

The waiter knocks on the door but Lilith needs to settle matters.

Lilith: [to waiter] Go away!
Waiter: [o.s.] But I've got your ketchup, ma'am.
Lilith: Not necessary.
Waiter: OK, but I still need the bill.
Lilith: Later.
Frasier: Well, let's just take care of this...

Frasier opens the door to the waiter.

Waiter: I'm sorry to disturb you, but here's the... [realizes it’s a
different man] ketchup. [hands it over] Sorry it took so...
long. I, er, still need the bill. [looks around room] Where's
the cart?
Lilith: In the bathroom.
Frasier: Why is the breakfast cart in the bathroom?
Lilith: Ah, I was going to take a hot bath while I ate.
Frasier: Still, food in the bathroom?
Lilith: Be right back.

She enters the bathroom to get the bill.

Frasier: [to waiter] Well, this is a little embarrassing. My ex-wife,
we're sort of reconnecting.
Waiter: [knowing better] Yes sir, that's ...er... wonderful.
Frasier: You never know, it might just work out this time.
Waiter: [sarcastically] Oh...kay.
Lilith: [enters with money] There you go, [bribing] There's a
generous, generous tip in there for you.
Waiter: [understanding] Thank you, ma'am.
Frasier: Say, listen - while you're still here, why don't you send up
an order of Eggs Benedict? There's no reason why she should
eat alone.
Waiter: [looks at Lilith] Oh...kay.

The waiter leaves, letting Frasier resume his seductive lures.

Frasier: Now, where were we?
Lilith: Oh, this isn't a good time for this, really.
Frasier: Why not? Lilith, please, we're alone, we're here, you need
your Frasier-

There is a clatter in the bathroom; the sound of a dinner tray falling
to the floor. This raises Frasier's suspicions.

Frasier: What the hell was that?! [goes to the bathroom door]
Lilith: No, Frasier, wait, don't go in there! Wait!

Lilith tries to keep Frasier back, but he pushes her out of the way
and enters the bathroom. Niles is fast asleep with his head on his
order of Eggs Benedict.

Frasier: Niles!!
Niles: [as if nothing had happened] Yes? [shocked to see Frasier]
Frasier: My God!
Lilith: Frasier, I'm sorry, we didn't mean for this to happen...
Frasier: OH MY GOD!
Niles: It was a mistake, a horrible, misguided mistake-
Frasier: [half mad] Stop it, Niles! Stop it! Don't tell me how or
why, I've just got to get out of here!

Confused and still in his bathrobe, he runs out of the room.

Lilith: Oh, Frasier, Frasier!

But he's gone. Niles sinks onto the bed.

Niles: This is my worst nightmare.
Lilith: You have egg on your face.
Niles: That is an understatement!
Lilith: No, actual egg!

Niles looks up at Lilith and we see he has "scrambled eggs all over
his face." Someone knocks on the door again. She goes to answer it.

Lilith: It's in your hair too!

Frasier enters, still looking mad.

Niles: I knew you couldn't stay mad at us.
Frasier: I'm in a bathrobe, you jackass!

Frasier begins to pull his trousers on before listening to Lilith.

Lilith: I can understand your shock, and believe me, if I could erase
everything that happened last night, I would. But, if you
could just look at this rationally, just for a moment - we
didn't technically do anything wrong.
Frasier: [outraged] What? You didn't do anything wrong?!
Niles: I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go
along with it!
Lilith: You and I are no longer married. Neither is Niles. I won't
say this is my shining hour, but we are not responsible to you
or anyone else for our actions.
Frasier: You're actually defending what you did?!
Lilith: Just listen; the past few days have been THE worst of my life.
I have never been less self-assured, or more in need of
validation, both as a person and especially as a woman.
Niles was feeling the same thing.
Niles: Exactly. [realizes the woman part] Wait a minute...
Lilith: Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more than a
desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth.
Frasier: Well... that is very impressive, Dr. Sternin. But I too
happen to be a psychiatrist. Let me tell you what actually
transpired. This was a passive-aggressive manifestation of
your deep resentments towards me. Niles, you were punishing
me for my notoriety. [to Lilith] You, for my successful
adjustment after our divorce. It is this shared bond that
brought the two of you to your palace of sweet revenge!
Lilith: Allow me to rebut: what a crock!
Frasier: It is not!
Lilith: It is so! This is yet another example of your complete self-
absorption, which is the reason we could not stay together
in the first place!
Frasier: I have a right to... [realizes] Why am I defending myself?!
Niles: If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was
about two people, ruled by very powerful superegos - tortured
by them, who found a chance - however misguided - to break
through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old
softie, but that's how I see it.
Frasier: OK, then... the three of us have certainly analyzed the
CRAP out of this!
Niles: Yes, where do we all go from here?
Frasier: I don't know.

Niles's mobile rings and he goes to answer it. Lilith and Frasier try
to settle things quietly.

Lilith: You realize that if you had simply given into me last night
instead of this morning, the three of us would not be in
this hell.
Frasier: No, it would be the two of us in a whole different hell!

Meanwhile, Niles is getting mad with the lawyers on the phone...

Niles: [to phone] Well, I don't give a damn! I've been manipulated
by you jackals enough, I'll see you in court! [puts phone
away] The very idea that Maris still thinks she can... [still
alert] Hey, I'm not sleepy. That conversation should have put
me out like a light!
Lilith: Well, it's not surprising. Your experience with Maris has
been emasculating. Last night may have gone a long way
towards restoring your self-confidence.
Niles: Of course! And by the same token you can now give up the
neurotic assumption that Brian left you because you are
unattractive. You have ample evidence to the contrary.
Lilith: Yes, I have! [smugly] Well, to hell with Brian! If he wants
a prissy little wife, he can keep Stan!
Frasier: So, [sarcastically] isn't this peachy! Everything's turned
out just fine for everyone. You two have solved your
problems, the waiter received a handsome tip, Niles and I
have matching bathrobes, and looky here! It's not even nine-
thirty yet! [points to watch]
Lilith: Frasier, try to understand...
Niles: Yes, what happened last night was just...
Frasier: Oh, stop it, both of you! Enough! It happened, and I'm just
going to have to deal with it. [bitter chuckle] I suppose in a
twisted way there is one positive for me in this: you see,
Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you - even though we are
completely wrong for each other! But now, from this day
forward, whenever I look at you, I will see the back of my
brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me
tell ya!
Lilith: You know, Frasier...
Frasier: Enough, Lilith.
Lilith: Alright. Maybe, I'll just go... have some breakfast. [she
exits to bathroom]
Niles: Are we OK?
Frasier: No, we're not... but we will be.
Niles: Well, that's enough for now. [waits, and then perkily]
We're an odd little family, aren't we?

There is a voice from the other side of the door - it's the waiter.
Niles goes to answer it.

Waiter: Here's your Eggs Benedict, if you could just...

He nearly faints when he sees no Lilith, just two men in bathrobes.

Waiter: Oh...kay!

The waiter leaves along with this episode as the Crane boys look
sorrowfully at each other.

END OF ACT TWO (Time: 21:10)

Credits:

In the bathroom, Lilith sits on the toilet and pulls up her cart
to enjoy her breakfast. She gets settled before dousing her Eggs
Florentine in tomato ketchup. After she pours herself a cup of
tea, she finally begins eating this catering disaster for people
with acquired (Lilith only) taste.