05x24 - Sweet Dreams

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Radio Station.
Frasier is just finishing off his show at KACL.

Frasier: Well, that's it for today, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane
wishing you good day and good mental health. [presses button]

Bulldog and Gil enter with a trolley.

Bulldog: All right, move it. We're stood waiting for the booth here.
[honks horn]
Frasier: That is not amusing when you do it in the men's room, it's not
amusing now!
Gil: All ready then, Bulldog?
Roz: What are you two doing?
Bulldog: We're recording an ad for a new sponsor. We've only got a
minute here so scram both of ya! [they begin to leave] Oh,
by the way, Roz, baby or no baby, your ass has never looked
better.
Roz: Shut up!

Roz and Frasier enter the producer's booth.

Roz: How sick is that?!
Frasier: Oh, he's just being Bulldog.
Roz: Not that I didn't like hearing it.

Meanwhile, Gil and Bulldog are recording.

Bulldog: Hi, I'm Bulldog Briscoe.
Gil: And I'm Gil Chesterton. When Bulldog and I are out on the
town together...
Bulldog: Whether it's opening night at the opera...
Gil: Or rooting our Mariners to victory...
Bulldog: We always round of the evening in the same way: With a nice
relaxing cup of "Happy Dreams" tea.
Gil: Mmmm.
Bulldog: We're making some right now. How many lumps do you like, Gil?
Gil: One, please.

Bulldog uses two wooden blocks to make the sound of a sugar cube
hitting tea.

Gil: Ouch! Gets me every time.
Bulldog: "Happy Dreams" tea, one cup, you'll have happy dreams the
whole night through. [presses button] Yes, perfect! One
thing?
Gil: Well, my ouch could be a bit more convincing.

Bulldog presses a button and then quickly hits Gil around the head
giving a convincing ouch.

Bulldog: [presses button:] We'll splice that in later.

Meanwhile, Roz and Frasier are watching the double act from the
producer's booth.

Frasier: What the hell was that?
Roz: The new station manager's idea. They're getting some of the
on-air talent to record commercials for the new sponsors.
You're not disappointed he didn't ask you to do it, are you?
Frasier: [sarcastic:] Oh yes Roz, about as disappointed as I was when
that hypnotist at the Christmas party picked them to come up
on stage and groom each other like monkeys.
Roz: [sarcastic:] Oh yeah, you were really left out at that party!
He didn't make you do anything silly. No, sir! [laughs]
Frasier: Roz!

Daphne at this moment enters the booth.

Roz: Oh Daphne, what are you doing here?
Frasier: Hi, Daph.
Daphne: Dr. Crane's car's in the shop so I'm the chauffeur for the
day. It may take a while to get home, there's a rally on
Pike Street holding up the traffic.
Frasier: Oh, what sort of rally?
Daphne: Apparently they're trying to save some old bookstore from
being torn down.
Frasier: Not "Hirsh & Sons"?
Daphne: Yes, that's the one. Some developer wants to build a strip
mall there.
Frasier: They can't do that! That's a Seattle landmark. My God, Mark
Twain gave a reading there.
Roz: Oh yeah, I know that place. I used to have a boyfriend who
liked to make out in the occult section.
Frasier: Frankly, I'm terribly upset about this. You know, I think
we'll go down there and join that rally.
Roz: Good for you, Frasier.
Fraiser: I refuse to stand idly by whilst some fat cat bully rides
roughshod over the little people.
Daphne: I don't want to go to a rally.
Frasier: Tough luck! You're the chauffeur!

Frasier pushes Daphne out of the booth whilst Roz resumes her work.

FADE OUT

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH
THE TOUGH GETS GOING


Scene Two - Outside Hirsch & Sons.
The rally is on and lots of protesters are marching and sitting
holding banners speaking out against the strip mall.

Daphne: This is actually rather exciting. I must say, I never
thought you to be the protest type.
Frasier: Oh, on the contrary, Daphne. I was quite the activist in my
college days. There's nothing like throwing your feel as bad
to scruffy young rebels thumbing their noses at convention.
Daphne: So, did you go into the whole package then? Long hair, bell
bottom jeans?
Frasier: Oh heavens no, though I did have a pair of psychedelic
suspenders that raised an eyebrow or two. This seat looks
good, don't you think?
Daphne: Yeah.

They sit on the ground as the leader notices them.

Leader: Hey this is great, look everybody, it's Dr. Frasier Crane
from the radio. [they cheer him] Dr. Crane, would you like
to say a few words?
Frasier: [stands] Well, all right. Well, I'll keep it simple. Be
strong, people. Our cause is just. To the barricades! [they
cheer him and he sits] This is sort of fun, isn't it?
Daphne: Yes.
Cop: People, this is your final warning.
Frasier: Who do you suppose that is?
Daphne: The police, I think.
Cop: Disperse now or we will take action.
Frasier: What do you suppose they mean by that?
Leader: We're not going anywhere, are we? [all except Frasier shout
no]
Frasier: You don't think they're talking about a jail sort of thing
here, do you?
Daphne: Who knows? Exciting, isn't it?
Leader: They're going to have to drag us out of here, aren't they?
[all bar Frasier shout "Yeah"]
Frasier: They don't actually drag people away anymore, do they?
Leader: They're too afraid to arrest us, aren't they? [all bar
Frasier shout "Yeah"]
Frasier: Well, now you're just provoking them.
Cop: Alright people, you had your warning. [some are arrested]
Frasier: They weren't kidding. Well, there goes the first lucky
martyrs to our cause. Well, as they are dragging people
away there'll be none left to protest, you know I better go
get some reinforcement.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! Where are you going?
Frasier: Solidarity, my brothers! [runs off to Daphne's shouts as she
is arrested too]

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is rather disturbed when Niles rings the doorbell. He answers
it.

Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, I hope you're free tonight. I just secured a table
at the most exclusive new restaurant in Seattle.
Frasier: I'm sorry - just not in the mood.
Niles: At least hear me out - this place is the hottest new thing
in fusion cuisine.
Frasier: What cuisines are being fused?
Niles: Polynesian and Scandanavian. It's called "Mahole-Valhalla."
Frasier: Well, perhaps there's a reason why God put those two countries
so far apart.
Niles: I had my doubts too. But my gourmet newsletter gave three-
and-a-half whisks to their coconut herring.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles. It's just a bad night. See, Daphne's been
hauled down to jail. Dad's down there trying to bail her out.
Niles: [shocked:] What?!
Frasier: Don't worry, they should be home any minute, it's just that
she was down at that rally for "Hirsh & Sons" book store.
The worst part of it is that I convinced her to go and when
they started hauling people away I chickened out and ran.
Niles: You left her there?
Frasier: It was a thoroughly shameful performance. Though I did clear
that private hedge in front of Emerson's funeral home like a
Kentucky show horse. What has happened to me, Niles? I used
to be so courageous. To fight for things. When did I become
so middle-aged? So timid?
Niles: Don't be so hard on yourself, it's part of life. We all get
a bit more cautious as we get older.
Frasier: Not me! God, it was only five years ago I packed up my whole
life in Boston, moved across the country to start over. That
took real courage. Now, ha-ha, the biggest risk I take is
saying to Dad, "Hey, let's go out to dinner, you pick the
restaurant".

Martin and Daphne enter the front door. She looks very angry as she
hangs up her coat.

Frasier: Daphne! Daphne, it's so good to have you home safe and sound.
Daphne: Sod off!
Martin: She's a little mad at you.
Frasier: Yes, thank you Dad. Daphne, I am so sorry, I feel just
terrible.
Daphne: As you should! You left me handcuffed and helpless.
Niles: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to
call on me. [Frasier gives him a look, so he exclaims:] For
help!
Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane. Shame on you, Dr. Crane, why can't
you be more like Dr. Crane? [exits to her room]
Martin: I can't believe it took me six hours to get her out. In my
day cops could count on a few perks. No speeding tickets,
get your friends out of jail fast... It's all gone to hell!
Frasier: Yes well, let's hope they never do away with that old "All
jewelry up for grabs at the morgue" policy.
Niles: Well, there's no way I'm letting this dinner reservation go
to waste. Frasier, last chance?
Frasier: Thanks anyway, Niles.
Niles: Very well. Hey Dad, what about you?
Martin: Yeah, you know Niles, maybe I will come get a bite with you.
Sitting around six hours in that station house, I could eat
anything.
Niles: Let's go, then.
Martin: Oh good, I can't wait. Where are we going anyway? [opens
front door]
Niles: Oh, well...

Niles begins as he closes the door behind him and his father.
Frasier meanwhile is on the phone.

Frasier: Hello, yes, I'd like to order a large pizza. What toppings?
Er, just a second. Dad, what do you want on your pizza?
Martin: [enters, leaving Niles alone] Pepperoni.
Frasier: Pepperoni, please.

FADE TO:

Scene Four - Radio Station.
Frasier is in mid-show as he deals with another caller.

Patrick: [v.o:] Anyway, we've been fighting a lot and she's never in
the mood for sex anymore. I think she must be having an
affair.
Frasier: Now, now, Patrick, let's not give in to paranoia. Just
because your wife is avoiding sex lately it doesn't mean
she's being unfaithful. You said yourself she hasn't been
talking lately. Why don't you try reopening the lines of
communication tonight by surprising her with a nice romantic
dinner?
Patrick: Tonight's no good, she's working late on her boss's boat
again. But tomorrow's okay, thanks, Dr. Crane. [hangs up]
Frasier: You know, Roz, what do you say we turn things over to our Eye
in the Sky, Chopper Dave, with the traffic report? [presses
button]

Roz enters the booth with a large overweight man with a friendly
smile.

Roz: Frasier, I want to introduce you to someone. [points to man]
This is our new station manager, Kenny Daly.
Frasier: It's a pleasure.
Kenny: Oh, no, no, it's my pleasure. I'm just a - whoa! - huge fan.
I only had this reaction once before. Did you ever hear of
Norman Mailer?
Frasier: Of course, the author.
Kenny: Oh, no, no, I'm talking about the drive-time guy, worked out
of Tampa. "Norman In The Mornin.'" So funny you pray for
traffic.
Frasier: Well, I'll try to catch him next time I'm in Tampa. [adds:]
In the mornin'.
Kenny: Oh well, I gotta run. It's been great meeting you.
Frasier: You, too.
Kenny: Oh, I almost forgot. I got a call from the "Happy Dreams"
tea people. They had a bunch of spots scheduled for the
first hour and you forgot to read them.
Frasier: Actually, I didn't forget. I had a look at the copy, and,
well, I couldn't read it.
Kenny: Oh, why not?
Frasier: Well, just listen to this here. [reads] One cup of "Happy
Dreams" tea and you'll have happy dreams all night long.
[then:] The fact is that dreams are a bi-product of
unresolved emotion. No tea can promise happy dreams.
Kenny: Oh yeah, I totally get it. Here's my problem - our ad
revenues are down and they're a major new sponsor. I just
promised them that you'd read the ads this hour.
Frasier: Yes, but as a psychiatrist I can't. They're promising
something that's impossible.
Kenny: Okay, okay, now I understand. What if we just think of it
more as a slogan?
Frasier: You see, but it's not a slogan. If I as a doctor read it,
it sounds like medical advice.
Kenny: Okay, now - totally get you. So, instead of saying "This is
Dr. Frasier Crane," just don't say doctor.
Frasier: Kenny, maybe I'm not making myself clear here. Let's try
this - I will never read this copy.
Kenny: Oh, this is the part of my job I really hate. If you take a
stand like that - and I totally respect it, by the way - you
force my hand. That's our biggest sponsor. So unless you're
willing to go on the air right now and read that ad, I have
to fire you.
Roz: [worried:] Ten seconds, Frasier. [runs into her booth]
Frasier: Well, I didn't realize you felt so strongly about it.
I guess I have no choice.
Kenny: Oh, thanks, Dr. Crane. Oh, what a relief! [exits into Roz;s
booth]
Frasier: [presses button] Hello Seattle, the people who know me best
will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you: I am
not a man who betrays his principles. I am not a man who
misleads his listeners and I am not a man who will shrink
from a fight. Today I find myself in a fight over the
content of my show. But rather than truffle to the forces
of commercialism, I've decided to take a stand on principal,
even if it means... [Roz enters his booth] I'm not on the
air, am I?
Roz: No. He put on "The Best of Crane."
Frasier: How much did I get out?
Roz: Well, let's see. [presses button:]
Frasier: [v.o:] People who know me best will not be surprised by what
I'm about to tell you: I am not a man. [stops]
Frasier: Perfect.

End Of Act One. (Time: 11:35)

Act Two.

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
That afternoon Frasier and Niles are talking. Frasier is on a high
after standing up for his principles.

Niles: So they actually fired you?
Frasier: [thrilled:] Yes. I must say it feels good to take a stand
like this. I feel like my old self again. I tell ya' one
thing - I don't envy Kenny. [laughs] Feeling the cold stares
of the other employees because he's fired the station's most
popular personality.
Niles: He fired Tooty, the story lady, too?
Frasier: Very funny, Niles. [laughs] God, who'd have thought that
getting fired can make one feel so alive?

He is thrilled as Eddie jumps up and stares at him.

Frasier: What do you want? Another staring contest, I suppose.
Well, you picked the wrong day for that, boyo.

Frasier gives him a long stare which forces Eddie to run off with
fear. Frasier gives a shrill of excitement.

Frasier: Take that!
Martin: [enters] Frasier, what are you doing home?
Frasier: Well, Dad, brace yourself. The station fired me, so you'll
be seeing me this time everyday.
Martin: Oh no, that's terrible.
Frasier: I assume you mean the f*ring part.
Martin: [covering up:] Well, yeah... What happened?
Frasier: Well, they simply asked me to violate a principal I believe
in, and I refused.
Martin: Well, then I'm proud of you. What did they want you to do?
Frasier: Well, there's this product called "Happy Dreams" tea. They
wanted me to say that it gives people happy dreams.
Martin: And?
Frasier: Well, that's it. I couldn't make a claim like that.
Martin: Well, every commercial makes promises they can't deliver.
That's what makes it a commercial.
Frasier: Yes, Dad, that may be...
Martin: It's like that cologne that's supposed to drive women wild.
I've used it all my life and I've never had a single strange
woman come on to me. Except for that year I worked in Vice.
Frasier: Yes, I understand.
Martin: But that wasn't about cologne, let me tell ya.
Frasier: Yes, I understand.
Martin: They were hookers.
Frasier: I realize that!
Niles: Frasier, don't be angry with me but I do have one theory.
Frasier: Yes, Niles, I was wondering when you'd get around to that.
So, just allow me. I was so ashamed of my chickening out
at the rally that I grabbed at the first fight that came
my way. Of course it turned out to be the wrong fight and
I needlessly lost my job. So, if you follow that theory
through to this end - this petty feeling of euphoria I'm
experiencing right now is frankly nothing more than a deep-
seated denial.
Niles: So, have you considered it?
Frasier: [loud:] Not for a second!

The doorbell sounds so Frasier answers it. Standing there is a rather
nervous Kenny. Niles and Martin watch the scene.

Frasier: Hello.
Kenny: Look, I know I must be the last person you want to see right
now, but please listen. Since I fired you I haven't been
able to eat or sleep.
Frasier: Kenny, it's only been and hour and a half.
Kenny: Well, I'm a napper. I just came to tell you I was wrong.
All I've been able to think about was "I just fired a man who
was willing to go to the mat for the principles." What does
that say about my principles? Before I go on - have you had
any job offers?
Martin: [shouts] He's had four.
Niles: Dad, shut up.
Martin: He's had...
Niles: Shut up.

Martin and Niles carry on doing that for a while before Frasier calms
them.

Frasier: Technically, I'm still available.
Kenny: Well, I'd like you to think about coming back to work tomorrow
because the first thing in the morning I'm calling the "Happy
Dreams" people and telling them you're uncomfortable with
their ads. At KACL, the talent comes first.
Frasier: Well, what can I say but, see you tomorrow.
Kenny: This is so great. I'm so relieved. [shakes his hand] You
know what, can I buy you a beer just to show we have no hard
feelings?
Frasier: I would love that, as long as I don't have to endorse it
afterwards.
Kenny: [laughs] Ow, Ouch! [laughs] Zing, I guess I had that one
coming. [laughs, then to Martin and Niles] Nice meeting you.
Niles: Bye.
Martin: See ya.

Frasier and Kenny exit the scene.

FADE TO:

Scene Two - Radio Station.
The following day Frasier is starting his comeback show.

Frasier: Good afternoon Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I would
like to begin today by apologizing for my abrupt departure
from the airwaves yesterday. You see, I was embroiled in a
conflict with the management. I'm happy to report that it's
been resolved. Thank you to the efforts of our new station
manager, a courageous and principled young man, Ken Daly.
I won't bore you with all the details but suffice it to say
he took on the big guys and won.

At this point Kenny walks glumly along the corridor behind him with a
box with all his stuff in it. Frasier does not see this.

Frasier: Anyway, I apologize for our brief interruption yesterday and
I assure you... [notices the scene behind him] That today's
will be even briefer. Roz, let's go to commercial. [opens
door and pulls Kenny into booth] Kenny, Kenny, what's going
on?
Kenny: Actually, it's the darndest thing. I got fired.
Frasier: What?! How did that happen?
Kenny: Well, I told the sponsors you wouldn't read their ads. The
next thing I know I'm getting called into Mr. Martin's office
in the Black Tower. I told him that sponsors are easier to
replace than talent. He said I was easier to replace than
anybody. Then he called me a pinhead and took my coke away.
Roz: That's terrible.
Frasier: Oh, Kenny, I can't help feeling that this is all my fault.
Kenny: Oh, no, no, these things happen. And if I've got to get fired
sticking up for someone, I'm just honored it was for you. At
least now I'll have time to finish the nursery in our new
house. We're expecting. [his pager beeps, he looks at it]
Oh, there's my wife now. She's going to get a kick out of
this coincidence. Me and her getting fired in the same week.
[points to phone in other booth:] May I?
Frasier: Of course. [exits to Roz's booth] Well, we have got to get
Kenny's job back.
Roz: Well, how are we supposed to do that?
Frasier: Well, we'll just round up all the talent, go down to Mr.
Martin and demand that he re-hire Kenny.
Roz: Mr. Martin owns the station. We can't give him an ultimatum.
Frasier: It's not an ultimatum, Roz, we'll simply appeal to the man's
sense of decency. You know Kenny went to bat for me, we owe
him at least that.
Roz: You know, Kenny hasn't asked for our help, for all we know
he'll be fine.
Kenny: [enters] How do you like that? She's having twins! Heck of
a time to loose my insurance, huh? Well, you guys take care.

He exits as Frasier gives Roz a stare.

FADE TO:

ONCE UPON A TIME, FRASIER,
ROZ, GIL, BULLDOG AND TOOTY
WENT TO THE BLACK TOWER...


Scene Three - The Black Tower.
Frasier, Roz, Bulldog, Gill, Tooty and some other talent arrive in
the lift.

Frasier: Now together, I know that we can do this. The most important
thing is to present a united front.

Frasier gets out and notices the rest are still in the lift.

Frasier: Well, what is the matter with you people?
Gil: Isn't it obvious? We're frightened.
Frasier: Of what?
Roz: Of everything. We're in a building called the Black Tower;
those guards in the lobby must have been seven feet tall;
and that metal detector thing we had to go through was
really scary.
Bulldog: It's even scarier finding out that Gil wears an anklet.
Frasier: Alright, that's enough! Get out of the elevator all, of you.
[they do] Because I'm ashamed of you, intimidated by a
building. We're here for Kenny - the man who wants to start
KACL daycare, Roz; the man who approved the extra airbrushing
charges on your new publicity photos, Gil. And you Tooty,
who was it that just doubled the story-time puppet budget?
Tooty: I know, Kenny's a great guy, but I met Joe Martin once. He
was a very scary man with eyes as cold as a winter's day...
Frasier: Oh all right, Tooty!

At this moment Joe Martin enters the reception area.

Frasier: Mr. Martin, hello.
Joe: Do you have an appointment?
Frasier: Mr. Martin, my name is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'm here with
some of the other talent from KACL - my producer, Roz Doyle;
Gil Chesterton, food critic; Bob Briscoe, sports; Tooty
Finegould, the story lady; Ray Schmit, the Greengrocer and
Miss Judy, arts and crafts - I'm sorry, Judy, I don't know
your last name.
Joe: I don't have time for this, I'm in the middle of a board
meeting. Please.
Frasier: This will only take a moment, Mr. Martin. This morning you
fired Kenny Daly, a wonderful station manager and a man of
integrity. That is a very rare quality in this industry, I
promise you. You fire all the Kenny Dalys, what are you left
with? A bunch of sycophants and "yes" men. Am I right?
All: [agreeing with him] Yes, you're right.
Frasier: Now, it would be a great risk to hire Kenny back, but I'm here
to tell you that the man who stops taking risks in life pays a
very dear price indeed. I know whereof I speak. I can see
that I'm getting through to you, so let me just leave you with
one last question: what kind of radio station do you want?
Joe: You know, Dr. Crane, that is the exact question I've been
asking myself all through that board meeting. As you know,
our ratings are down and the number crunchers in there think
they can fix this thing by sucking up to our sponsors. He-
he, well that's not what I think!
Frasier: Bravo!
Joe: Thanks to you, I'm going with my gut on this one.
Frasier: You bet you are!
Joe: I'm going to march right in there and tell them that we're
doing it my way. No more talk!
Frasier: Exactly, action!
Joe: No, no more talk radio. From this moment on, the station is
all Latina music, all the time.
Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Joe: Thank you, Dr. Crane, I'm going back to my roots. I may have
walked out of that meeting Joe Martin, corporate sellout. But
I'm walking back in Jos� Martinez, risk-taker.

He exits.

Frasier: What the hell just happened?
Roz: You just got us all fired!

The rest of them give their thoughts to him as the scene FADES OUT.

Credits:

The usual theme music is replaced with a Salsa version of "Tossed
Salad..." as the new crew of the station in Frasier's booth sing
along to it. Frasier walks past the window in the background
carrying a box of his stuff on his leaving day.

[N.B. The first time they have not finished a season with a list of
guest callers.]