06x07 - How To Bury A Millionaire

[bunniefuu]

Act One.
Scene One - Frasier's BMW
Frasier and Martin are driving around Seattle. They are heading
towards the Montana to pick Niles up for a night out.

Martin: You know where we should go tonight? Frannie's Fish & Chips!
Frasier: Dad, we're taking Niles out to boost his spirits, not his
cholesterol!
Martin: Oh please, that French food that you guys eat is full of
butter and cheese.
Frasier: Yes, but at least it's not made by a woman working a deep
fryer in a batter-dipped brassiere.

They stop at a light. A red hatchback pulls up alongside them.
Niles is the driver. Martin notices him.

Martin: Hey, isn't that Niles?
Frasier: Where?
Martin: Driving that old hatchback.
Frasier: Nah, Niles would never be seen in anything called a hatchback.
But it does look a lot like him.

Frasier honks his horn. Niles looks, sees them - and drives off at
full speed.

Frasier: Oh my God, he's running away!
Martin: Well, catch him, Mr. 12-cylinder German engineering!

Frasier and Martin chase Niles across Seattle. On his car phone,
Frasier dials in Niles's cell phone number. Ahead of them, Niles
answers:

Niles: Hello?
Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing?
Niles: Well, I'm just pulling into my parking garage. You on your
way?

Behind him, Frasier and Martin gape at each other.

Frasier: What are you talking about?! You're driving up 2nd Avenue!
Martin: You're in that little red thing.
Niles: No I'm not, you must be mistaking me for someone else. See
you when you get here. [hangs up]

Frasier and Martin cannot believe his lies.

Martin: He's getting away. He just took a right at the corner.

Frasier takes a right and rings Niles again.

Niles: Hello?
Frasier: Niles! What are you running away from us for? I can see
that it's you!
Niles: No, you're mistaking me for someone else.

Frasier honks his horn which sounds back through the mobile.

Frasier: That is ridiculous, I can hear my own horn through the phone!
Niles: Frasier, I may lose the connection, I'm just stepping onto
my elevator. I'll see you when you- [hangs up]
Martin: What's the matter with him?
Frasier: Maris repossessed his car, that must have been all he can
afford. He's just ashamed to admit it. [dials Niles again]
Niles: Hello?
Frasier: Niles, do not hang up on me! We know what's going on! We're
right behind you.
Niles: Alright, I was afraid this would happen - I was petrified
someone I knew would see me driving this humiliating car!
It looks like some buggy derailed from a carnival ride,
except this has no safety features.
Frasier: Oh Niles, you're worrying over nothing. What kind of person
judges you by the sort of car you drive?
Niles: Mitsy Gill.
Frasier: Oh yes, she might, she drives a Bentley.
Niles: She's parking on the corner - she'll see me!

Niles brakes to a sudden stop, and his head goes under the dashboard
in a motion that is half jerk, half duck.

Behind him, Frasier also must brake suddenly to stop a crash, jerking
himself and Martin in their seats.

Martin: Is everyone alright?
Niles: [still on the mobile, from under the dashboard] Dad, come
quickly, I need your help.
Martin: [alarmed] Oh my God! What is it?
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.

Martin gives a look of disgust at Frasier.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - The Montana
The g*ng arrive in Niles's apartment. Niles rubs his shoulder as he
sits down.

Niles: Oh, my shoulder is k*lling me!
Frasier: Oh Niles, did you bang into the steering wheel?
Niles: No, I've been parallel parking all week without power steering.
Martin: Let me get you some aspirin.
Niles: Oh, thank you, Dad. Er, check upstairs in the bathroom of
the study. Pardon the disarray, Frasier, I've had to cut the
cleaning lady down to two times a week.
Martin: [sarcastic] Yeah, looks like a b*mb went off.

Martin leaves the practically perfect room by the stairs.

Frasier: I gather your financial situation's gotten a bit shaky.
Niles: Oh yes, every since I rejected Maris's attempts to woo me
back, she's been quite vindictive! She's frozen all the
accounts! Sherry? [pours two glasses of sherry]
Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
Frasier: Well, what do you lawyers tell you?
Niles: Well, mostly that my salary isn't even covering my legal
bills!
Frasier: You know, if this siege is going to continue you might have
to tighten your belt a bit. Perhaps we should make up a list
of your expenses. [takes some paper and a pen from the box]
Niles: Alright. [notices pen] But not with that pen. That once
belonged to Noel Coward. I just purchased it.
Frasier: Well, it is stunning, Niles, but you know if you're going to
be economizing perhaps you'll have to forego the decorative
antique pens.
Niles: Could we at least review my list before making any drastic
decisions?!
Frasier: Very well.
Niles: [writes down notes] That's my rent... that's insurance...
Frasier: You pay that much in rent?
Niles: Well, that includes the building newsletter.
Frasier: Well, it's outrageous!

Martin comes through on the intercom.

Martin: Niles, are you there?
Niles: [into intercom] Yes, Dad. [to Frasier] You can't blame me
for the housing market - this is a simple apartment!
Martin: I'm in some room with a lot of books but it doesn't have a
bathroom!
Niles: Oh, that's the library, not the study - go down the hall,
make a left.
Frasier: Well, this simple apartment of yours is going to bankrupt
you! You must admit it's a bit large for one person.
Niles: Oh, don't forget I have a pet.
Frasier: Are you saying that your BIRD requires both a study and a
library?
Niles: All right, I will return the Noel Coward pen, but this is my
home. This is a basic necessity.
Martin: [on intercome] OK, I've found the aspirin but I'm lost again.
I'm in a blue room with big rolls of paper.
Niles: That's the gift wrapping room. Look for the stairs.
Martin: The only stairs I can find go up!
Frasier: You have a THIRD floor?
Niles: It's practically a crawl space. [into intercom] Go out the
door to the left.

Niles and Frasier stand in silence, pensive.

Niles: Don't look at me like that! I have to have a roof over my
head!
Frasier: Niles, you have three roofs over your head! For God's sake,
you have to come to your senses. Look at the numbers,
they don't lie! I'm afraid you don't have any choice.

Martin comes out onto the balcony over the main room. He shouts over
to Niles.

Martin: Alright, now I'm stuck. How do I get down, there's a bookcase
blocking my way.
Niles: Well, the bookcase is a secret door, Dad.
Martin: How do I open it?
Niles: Just poke "Mrs. Dalloway" on the bottom.
Martin: What?
Niles: The yellow book on the lower shelf.
Martin: Oh, right! [exits]
Niles: Frasier, every since I was a little boy I have walked by
this building and wondered what sort of people could live
in such a magnificent place.
Frasier: I know, Niles.
Niles: Getting in here after Maris dumped me proved that I was not
a complete failure.
Frasier: I understand that.
Niles: And I have no choice, do I?
Frasier: I'm sorry. You know Niles, perhaps you should move before
you're obligated for another month's rent here. You can stay
at my place until you find something.
Niles: Thank you.
Martin: [enters with aspirin] Here you go, you can get your own glass
of water.
Niles: This aspirin's expired.
Martin: Well, it wasn't when I found it.

He sinks into an armchair, exhausted.

FADE TO:

NUCLEAR FAMILY


Scene Three - Apartment
Later, Niles has moved into Frasier's apartment. Niles and Daphne
are working along side each other in the kitchen.

Daphne: Oh Dr. Crane, I'll clean up.
Niles: Oh, not necessary.
Daphne: You've been cooking dinner every night, [laughs] I hardly
feel like it's my kitchen anymore.
Niles: Of course it's your kitchen... [Daphne puts something in the
fridge] No, that doesn't go there! I know it's probably a
bit presumptuous of me to rearrange your kitchen for you but
I promise you, you'll find it a lot more...

Niles trails off as he watches Daphne bend over to reach for something
on the bottom shelf.

Niles: User-friendly...
Daphne: [straightens up] Where's my jar of Bovril?
Niles: [snapping back] No, I wasn't! [realizing] Oh, the meat paste!
Well, I threw it out, it smelled rancid.
Daphne: Well, that's how it's supposed to smell - it's English!

Meanwhile, Frasier and Martin are reading in the main room. Frasier
opens conversation.

Frasier: Well, I'm off to bed! [Martin doesn't reply] Roz and I have
a very important breakfast meeting with an important employer
tomorrow. I can't burn the midnight oil like you, Dad.
[Martin doesn't reply] Dad!

Martin had fallen asleep whilst reading, he wakes up not knowing
what's going on.

Martin: What? Oh all right, I'll get a coaster!
Frasier: Dad, what is it with you? You could barely stay awake during
dinner!
Martin: [rubs his eyes] Oh, you'd feel the same way if you shared a
room with Niles. All night long, up and down, shifting and
tucking.
Frasier: Well, if it's really annoying you that much, I'll just move
his cot into my room.
Martin: Oh!
Frasier: At least one member of this family can show some compassion.
Martin: Well, good luck! Last night I got up and went to the bathroom –
when I came back he'd made my bed!

End of Act One. (Time: 7:15)

Act Two.

Scene Four
In Frasier's bedroom, Frasier is in bed listening to Niles in the
en suite bathroom. Niles is gargling and spitting.

Frasier: Will you be much longer?
Niles: Almost done.
Frasier: I only ask because Roz and I have this very important job
interview tomorrow, I'd like to be well rested. You've been
in there for twenty minutes!
Niles: No I haven't. [a bell is heard] Now I have! You should try
this marvelous new facial feel, it's like getting ten years
back!
Frasier: What about the last half hour?
Niles: It's going to be so much fun bunking together like when we
were kids.

Niles emerges from the bathroom looking strangely applicated.

Frasier: Oh yes, it's all coming back to me now.
Niles: I just want to tell you again how much I appreciate your
taking me in like this. Not every brother in your position
would be so generous. [gets into his only little bed]
Frasier: Think nothing of it Niles, it's no trouble at all.

[There is rest until Niles decides to switch on some air refiners.
He has around half a dozen which make an awful noise. Frasier turns
the lights out. However, Niles isn't comfy until he's closed the
window from the rain noise - Frasier remarks "I'm amazed you can hear
it over in Mission Control!" Niles goes back to bed and puts on a
strange radio. It begins playing rain falling - similar to what he
just the shut the window for.]

Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about? That's just more rain
noise!
Niles: No, it's much more than rain. This is all the sounds of the
Brazilian rain forest. Does it bother you?
Frasier: No. Go to bed.

They all are at rest when suddenly a bird shrieks loudly on the hi-fi.

Frasier: Oh, for God's sake!
Niles: Alright, alright, I'll switch over to babbling brook.

Switches to the sound of running water.

Niles: If you're feeling tense about that interview I can show you
one of my breathing exercises.
Frasier: No, no! Just some sleep will do.

They both go to sleep but Niles begins doing his breathing exercises
which wake Frasier. He pushes his arms out as he breathes out and
vice versa. He does this twice. On the third time he just breathes
in. Frasier waits and after a while he breathes out.

Frasier: Oh, for God’s sake, Niles!

He puts the lights on. However the lights along with Niles's
"equipment" fuse the circuits - now it is pitch black.

Frasier: What the hell happened?
Niles: Isn't it obvious? You blew a fuse.
Frasier: You haven't seen anything yet!

In the dark there is the sound of a pillow hitting something.

Niles: Ow!

FADE TO:

THE LATE SHOW


Scene Five – Café Nervosa
The following morning, Roz is waiting with the employer, Mr. Draper,
by herself. Frasier is obviously late.

Roz: Listen, I know he's on his way, he must have got the address
wrong. I knew I should have picked a place he's been to
before.

She says, sitting in Café Nervosa.

Draper: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have to...
Roz: Oh, please don't leave. Let me just try his cell phone.
Draper: Very well. [hands Roz his phone]
Roz: [into phone] Hello Frasier, it's Roz. You sound terrible,
where are you? The emergency room?! Oh my God! His
appendices burst! No, no, don't apologize. It's not your
fault. We'll just reschedule it...

At this point Frasier bursts into the room whilst Roz is still on the
phone with "him."

Frasier: I'm so sorry I'm late!
Draper: [to Roz] My phone please! [she hands it to him]
Frasier: Mr. Draper, you're not leaving, are you?
Draper: I have another meeting and I don't like to keep people
waiting! [leaves]
Roz: [to Frasier] I'm going to k*ll you!
Frasier: Roz, please, I'm so sorry.
Roz: Where the hell have you been?
Frasier: Blame Niles, he kept me up so late last night I slept right
through my alarm.
Roz: What's he still doing there, hasn't he found a place yet?!
Frasier: No, no, he's sublet his apartment at the Montana. He has to
find something furnished. There just aren't many out there.
Still, he's looking every day!
Roz: Not yesterday.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Roz: I saw him outside the cinema waiting in line for "Lawrence
Of Arabia."
Frasier: Well, that's impossible, he told me he had appointments all
day!
Roz: Frasier, I know Niles when I see him. How people go to the
movies with their own seat cushion?
Frasier: You mean he hasn't even been looking?!
Roz: I don't know, ask him yourself.

She points him out at the bar before leaving.

Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: Off for another day apartment hunting?
Niles: Yes. I hope I see as many as I saw yesterday, covered the
whole waterfront.
Frasier: Well, then you must have seen the one on Crawford and Pike?
Niles: Yes, I think so.
Frasier: White with blue trim? Right next to the market, couple of
flags upfront.
Niles: Yes! It looks nice from the outside but it's completely
unsuitable for living in.
Frasier: Oh yes, I imagine so, seeing as it's a [angry] Chevron
station! You saw nothing! Nothing yesterday, probably
nothing in the last two weeks. You've been going to the
movies.
Niles: That is an outrageous lie!
Frasier: Roz saw you and your seat cushion. I was feeling sorry for
you while you were lying to me the whole time.
Niles: I'm sorry, after the first day I just couldn't look anymore.
I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's
barely tolerable having a price range. [checks for nose bleed]
Frasier: All right Niles, well today I'm going with you. It may be the
only way you'll find a place.
Niles: Oh, you make it sound as if I plan to stay with you forever!
Frasier: Well, I did notice you put a bottle of '93 Pechie Beron on
the grocery list last night.
Niles: So?
Frasier: That wine's not even drinkable for two years!

FADE TO:

Scene Six - The Shangri-La
Later, Niles and Frasier are touring a rather run-down block of
apartments - the Shangri-La. They are in the corridor outside a
room. The manager, Frank, is showing them around.

Frank: An' we got a rec room too! And did you see the hot tub?
Niles: If you referring to that six-man petri dish, yes. I think
we're about finished here!
Frasier: Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank
was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here.
Frank: [opens door] Welcome to the "Shangri-La!"

Niles and Frasier look in with faces of horror. What they are
looking at would barely pass as a motel room in a fishing village.

Frasier: [obviously put on] Oh Niles, it's... magnificent!

FADE TO:

Scene Seven
A few moments have passed, and Frank is showing Niles around his new
"apartment."

Frank: I think you'll see why the Shangri-La is so popular with
bachelors like yourself.
Niles: I'd assume it was that charming "NO CREDIT NO PROBLEM" banner
out front.
Frank: Here's your kitchen. [part of living room] All modern. Looks
like the previous tenant left a four-slot toaster behind.
Frasier: Isn't that something, Niles? You can make yourself a club
sandwich and still have a slice left over for guests!
Niles: Oh well, I think I've got the lay of the land.
Frasier: Wait, we haven't seen the bedroom yet.
Frank: Oh, right this way!

Frank unlocks a door and pulls it down. The bed folds down into the
living room. The bed has sheets but is tatty.

Frank: Looks like he left the sheets behind too.
Frasier: Well, how's that for convenience? No dust bunnies under
that bed, no sir-ee! That is a vacuumer's dream, that is.
Well, let's have a look at this closet space, shall we?

Frasier opens the closet door to find "not Niles" clothing.

Frank: Oh sorry, I thought Gary's sister was supposed to pick this
stuff up. Well, help yourself.
Niles: This Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry. Did he
leave no forwarding address?
Frank: [uncomfortable] Uh, he left a note, but... nooo. No address!
Well, take your time.

He leaves Niles and Frasier to look around.

Niles: NOW can we go?
Frasier: No, Niles, not before we have a look at this... [opens
cupboard to a fold-down ironing board] this very charming
little ironing board here.
Niles: You're sure that's not the guest room?
Frasier: Niles, listen, I know this isn't what you had in mind but
we have scoured the city, I'm afraid this is the only thing
we're gonna find.
Niles: Well, I want to keep looking, there's no rush.
Frasier: Well, actually...
Niles: What?
Frasier: Niles...
Niles: Oh! You want me to move out. I've overstayed my welcome,
I see.
Frasier: No, it's time to understand that your circumstances have
changed. You are going to have to adapt.
Niles: I don't want to adapt. I want to go home!
Frasier: Niles... you are home!

Niles takes that in.

Niles: Well... where are my manners? Can I get you some toast?

FADE TO:

Scene Eight - Apartment
Later, Frasier is doing some wine tasting. He has a blindfold on and
takes a drink before spitting it out. Then he takes his blindfold off
and takes a cover off of the wine to reveal what it is. He makes a
yes to the correct answer as Daphne enters from the hallway with her
purse.

Daphne: Well, I'm off. Oh, your brother called - he said he won't
be joining you for your wine club tonight.
Frasier: Really? That's a first.
Daphne: You know, it's funny how much Eddie misses that bird of Dr.
Crane's. This morning a pigeon landed on the terrace, Eddie
jumped up excited, ran over and started barking at it!
Frasier: Oh, yes he does that all the time.
Daphne: No, no, this was a different sort of bark, like: [excited]
"You're not my bird! Don't fly over here and get my hopes up
like that! You're not my bird!" It was silly and sad at the
same time, you know?
Frasier: [deadpan] Firsthand. Niles say why he cancelled at all?
Daphne: No.
Frasier: You know, I just hope he's not depressed. I keep picturing
him sitting in that dreadful apartment all alone. I guess I
should have let him stay here a little longer until he found
something nicer.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sure as soon as he's got his books on the shelf and
his opera playing he'll be fine. You have nothing to feel
guilty about.
Martin: [entering] Oh Fras, your antiques scout brought over that
Noel Coward pen you bought. [Frasier buries his head]
Daphne: [to Frasier] Noel Coward pen? Like the one your brother's
got?
Frasier: Oh, it is his! He returned it and I pounced on it!
Daphne: [to Martin] Dr. Crane's feeling bad about moving his brother
out.
Martin: Oh come on, Fras. He's a big boy, you just gave him the push
he needed.
Frasier: Well, he did need a push.
Daphne: Besides, I'm sure the place you've found him isn't as bad as
all that.
Frasier: You're right, Daphne, it isn't all that bad. Yeah, once he's
decorated it, it'll be much nicer. You're right, you're
right. I'm being much too hard on myself. I'm sure he'll
be perfectly happy in the Shangri-La.
Martin: You got him in the Shangri-La? That's where Duke stayed
during his divorce. Oh, let me tell ya', that's my kinda
place. [exits]
Frasier: What have I done?!

Scene Nine - The Shangri-La
That evening, a doorbell sounds in Niles's new apartment. Niles
emerges from a room dressed in an Hawaiian shirt, but still wearing
his gold watch. He answers the door - it's Frasier and Martin.

Frasier: Hey, Niles!
Niles: [cheerful surprise] Dad! Frasier! Did you not get my
message about the wine club?
Martin: Yeah, but we thought it'd be just fun to have a nice dinner.
Niles: Actually, I'm just on my way out.
Frasier: Where to? Bali H'ai?
Niles: No, they're having a ping pong tournament in the rumpus room
and my neighbor, Jimbo, has invited me to be his partner, so
let me just go and tell him I'll be a couple of minutes late.
If you're thirsty they sent up some wine coolers in my welcome
basket. [exits]
Martin: And you were worried. He's making friends, taking part in
activities...
Frasier: Dad, he's obviously covering! That shirt alone is a shriek
for help!
Martin: Is it so hard for you to believe that he can actually be
happy?
Frasier: In this place? Yes!
Niles: [enters] Oh, you should stay, the guys in D building are
bringing over a six-foot sub and they've rigged the pinball
machine so it's free play all night. [makes a strange dance]
Frasier: Niles, you know I'm finding it a bit difficult to accept
this newfound enthusiasm of yours.
Niles: Well, weren't you the one who told me that I should adjust to
my new circumstances?
Frasier: Yes, but I'm just concerned that you're immersing yourself
in this lifestyle just to avoiding feeling the pain you're
going...
Martin: Oh, would you just leave the guy alone! He's obviously
having a good time!

Martin and Frasier begin arguing as Niles sits in his "lazy boy"
chair, putting his feet up on a footrest. He sits back looking just
like Martin in his "throne."

Martin: I'd be happy here myself - this is my kind of place.
Niles: [howl of despair] Get me out of this hell hole!
Martin: What did I say?
Niles: Oh, I can't live this charade! I have tried, it's taking too
much out of me.
Martin: Now Niles, this place is fine, and you know what they say:
"What doesn't k*ll you makes you stronger."
Niles: But Dad, not everyone makes it into that second group. And
I've got the luau shirt to prove it. [gets up] Alright, that's
it, enough is enough. [takes his phone and dials]
Frasier: Niles, who are you calling?
Niles: I am calling Maris, I'm going to beg her to take me back.
Frasier: You don't want to do that!
Niles: Oh yes, I do.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: [rapidly] Life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault,
after all! I was too rigid, I was always making demands!
Frasier: No, Niles!
Niles: "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"
Martin: Niles, give me that phone.
Niles: No!
Martin: You don't know what you're doing!
Niles: Yes I do.
Martin: Just drop it and kick it over here!
Niles: I won't! I'm dialing, I'm pressing Send, it's ringing. [into
phone] Maris! I'm calling... I'm calling...

Martin and Frasier look on, helpless.

Niles: I'm calling to tell you that there's a new address for
forwarding my mail. 62 Elm Street, Shangri-La Apartments.
Thank you [hangs up]
Frasier: Well, good for you, Niles.
Niles: Oh, the second I heard her voice I knew I couldn't go back.
[looks at the room] But how am I ever going to live here?
Martin: Oh, it's just temporary, Niles. She can't drag this divorce
out forever.
Frasier: You know, Niles, perhaps this place is the price you'll have
to pay for your freedom.
Niles: [pauses] Well, it's worth that.
Martin: Good, that's the way to look at it. So let's have a toast to
that. [begins pouring]
Niles: Thank you, Dad. You know, I never did sign my lease.
I suppose now is as good as time as any. [picks it up]
Frasier: Niles, perhaps this will make it easier. [hands him the Noel
Coward pen] A little housewarming gift.
Niles: [a little tearful] Thank you.

Martin comes over and hands Niles and Frasier a drink, he has one for
himself.

Martin: Here we go. Here's looking at you kids! [they drink]
Frasier: You know, Niles, you may have to sleep here but you certainly
don't have to eat here. How does Cigaré Volante sound?
Niles: [delighted] Oh, music to my ears!
Martin: I can't go in that place without a jacket.
Frasier: Well, you know what? Maybe we should poke through that
closet, I bet Gary's got a jacket that'll match those pants.

They go to the closet and finds a checked jacket which Martin tries on
and is pleased with. The three then exit for their favorite restaurant.

End Of Act Two (Time: 21:40)

Credits:

Niles is decorating his apartment. He takes a ornamental violin from
his box and thinks about where to place it. He places it on a cabinet
but doesn't like it. He moves it to the television, but doesn't like
it. He moves it to the fridge, but yet again doesn't like it's
position so he just puts it back in his box to be safe.