07x01 - Momma Mia

[bunniefuu]

Skyline: Above the Seattle skyline flies a plane trailing behind
it a banner reading "KACL."

Act One.

Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Roz and Frasier are seated by the window. Frasier is waiting for his
blind date.

Frasier: This is exactly why I hate fix-ups, she's not coming.
Roz: Just give her a few more minutes. Come on, tell me about the
cabin.
Frasier: Oh, all right. Well, Mom and Dad used to take us up there
when we were kids. Niles and I thought it might be a nice
birthday gift for Dad if we took him up there again. [then]
Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm being stood up on a blind date -
I'm pathetic.
Roz: You are so insecure. God! Where does that come from?
Jessica will be here.
Frasier: Jessica? I thought you said her name was Jennifer.
Roz: Jennifer? Jennifer goes out with a weatherman. She's way
out of your league. Look, let me you have your cell phone.
I'll call her and see what's going on.

Frasier, however, is entranced by a woman that has just walked in.
However, she is with a man. The couple sit at a table opposite
Frasier and Roz.

Roz: Frasier!
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry Roz, the most striking woman just came in.
Roz: It's probably Jessica.
Frasier: No, no, no, it's not Jessica. She's with a man. God, I don't
know what it is about her. I can't take my eyes off of her.
Do you suppose they're a couple?

Roz begins to look but Frasier stops her quickly.

Frasier: Tell you what, you have to go over there for me and find out.
Roz: What?!
Frasier: You owe me. Come on. All right, it's the table right by the
counter. Go on.

Roz gets up, passes the woman Frasier was talking about, and goes to
a woman with a man on another table.

Frasier: No, Roz, Roz-!

She doesn't hear him.

Roz: Excuse me, I know this is a little weird. But my friend
over there thinks you're really, really cute. And he
wants to know if you two are on a date.
Francesca: A date? Oh no, Hank and I are just friends.
Roz: Oh, that's good news. [Hank turns round and Roz notices
him] That's REALLY good news. Hi, Hank. I'm Roz Doyle.

Roz sits with Hank. Meanwhile, the girl Frasier really likes gets up
and goes to the counter. Frasier decides to go and talk to her.

Frasier: Excuse me, ah. I suppose you noticed I was staring at your
table and I was just wondering if that gentleman you're
with - is he your husband?
Mia: No.
Frasier: Boyfriend?
Mia: No.
Frasier: Oh, wonderful.
Mia: Would you like me to introduce you, he just broke up with
someone.
Frasier: No... I was staring at you.
Mia: You were?
Frasier: Yes. Gosh, I know this may seem awfully bold of me, I'm not
the sort of man who hits on every woman he sees.

Then Francesca, whom Roz accidentally mistook for the woman of
Frasier's fancies, approaches Frasier.

Francesca: Excuse me, hi, your friend said you wanted to know if I
was single. [Frasier is worried] It's okay, you don't
have to be embarrassed.
Mia: Yes, he does.
Frasier: There's been a little mistake. [to woman] You see, I asked
my friend to approach this [points to Mia] lovely woman
and she obviously mistook you for the woman I meant. Well,
that's certainly understandable, seeing as you're lovely as
well. Well, it's just that at this moment, well...
[Francesca walks away] Many apologies. [to Mia] Gosh, I'm
sorry, let me start again. I'm Frasier Crane.

Then, Jessica, the woman who he was set up with arrives and hears this.

Jessica: Oh, you're Frasier. Hi, I'm Jessica - Roz's friend.
Frasier: Jessica.
Jessica: Roz thought we might hit it off.
Frasier: Indeed we might have, you see, if not for the fact I just met
this woman, to whom I'd be to glad to introduce you, except
I don't know what her name is. You know, Roz can explain
all this. She's sitting over there next to that scowling
woman.

At Hank and Francesca's table, Roz puts her face into her hand.
Jessica goes over to meet her.

Frasier: Gosh, you know, you must think I'm some sort of a smooth
operator.
Mia: No, not really.
Frasier: I really am terribly sorry. Ah...
Mia: I'm Mia. Mia Preston.
Frasier: Mia. Mia Preston? The children's book author?
Mia: Yes.
Frasier: Oh my goodness. "Panda in the Parlor." Oh, wow! I love
that book, I've read it a hundred times.
Mia: I'm impressed. Most of my readers can't even count that high.
Frasier: No, I used to read it to my son. You know, many is the quart
of milk we've poured in the back yard waiting for the Oreo
Tree to grow. Gosh, you know I'd love to take you to lunch,
sometime.
Mia: Lunch? Em... I...
Frasier: Well, all right, coffee? Anything. I'd just like a chance
to get you know you better.
Mia: Well, okay. You're certainly persistent.
Frasier: Well, as a wise woman once wrote, "No cookie jar is up too
high for a panda who will try and try."
Mia: Now you're scaring me.

FADE OUT

THERE ARE NONE
SO BLIND...


Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne is sat reading a book as Martin enters. He is dressed in some
over-sized green rubber waders which stop under his armpits.

Martin: Hey, Daph.
Daphne: I see you're wearing your buffet pants.
Martin: They're hip-waders. I'm breaking them in for the weekend.
Where's Fras?
Daphne: He's probably off somewhere with that Mia.
Martin: Oh yeah, it seems to be getting serious, huh? You know, it's
funny, you can always tell. He starts using French words for
no reason.
Daphne: Yeah, and that laugh, the giddy one.

Daphne and Martin copy the giddy laugh. Then Niles and Frasier enter.
Niles is carrying a hold-all.

Niles: Hello, all. [notices Martin] Well, there's a faux-pas averted.
I almost wore my big rubber pants today!
Martin: They're for the trip. I'm nearly done packing. I just gotta
get my fly mast and my tackle box and there's one more thing...
Frasier: Yes, well, we're taking off in a few hours so depeché-toi!
Martin: Oh yeah, earplugs for the car ride up. Thanks.
Niles: Oh but Dad, don't forgot to pack some sturdy knee socks.

Martin exits to his room.

Niles: I should get some for myself. You remember the insect
situation at the cabin.
Frasier: Good Lord, Niles, not this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It's not a phobia. The mosquitoes up there are huge. My
first summer I was chased off the end of the dock by one the
size of a pelican!
Daphne: [to Frasier] So, Dr. Crane, when do we finally get to meet
this new girlfriend of yours?
Frasier: Oh, Mia, she's on her way over right now, actually. She's
going to take me out to buy some new trousers. You see, with
this new diet she's got me on, I've lost my love handles.
Just when I needed them most.

Frasier gives that giddy laugh and Daphne reacts.

Frasier: Niles, Niles, you got those movies?
Niles: Shush, here they are.

Niles gives Frasier some movie tape. Niles covers him while Frasier
stores them in the wardrobe.

Daphne: Movies?
Niles: Shush. Yes, for Dad's birthday we had some old home movies
transferred to video tape.
Frasier: Gosh, you know, I haven't seen these in years. You know,
Daphne, it's going to be quite a hoot this weekend. Are
you sure you don't want to join us?
Daphne: Gutting fish, watching home movies and hosing down your
father's pants. It does sound tempting!

The doorbell sounds. Frasier answers it to Mia who is carrying a bag
of something. Niles is taken aback.

Mia: Hi, honey.
Frasier: Hi, Mia. [kisses] Come on in. This is Daphne Moon. [hellos]
And my brother Niles.
Mia: It's great to finally meet you two.
Daphne: Likewise.
Frasier: So, what you got there?
Mia: Oh, I baked some fat-free goodies for your trip. Oh, where's
the kitchen?
Frasier: Right this way.
Mia: And there's a ton of muffins if anybody wants one.
Niles: Oh, not for me, I have some problems with allergies.
Mia: Really? Well these are just wheat germ, oat bran and carob.
Niles: Oh well, throw in a sea scallop, you can phone the paramedics
right now.

Mia and Frasier exit to the kitchen.

Daphne: She seems nice, doesn't she? [silence] You all right, Dr.
Crane?
Niles: I'm sorry, Daphne, it's just that Mia looks exactly like our
mother.
Daphne: Mrs. Crane? I've only seen photos, mind, but now that you
mention it, there is a resemblance.
Niles: It's not just a resemblance. She's the spitting image, I'm
shocked Frasier didn't mention it.
Frasier: [enters] So, what do you think of her?
Niles: Well she's wonderful, but Frasier...

Frasier is confused.

Niles: Does she remind you of anyone?
Frasier: Oh, you noticed that too.
Niles: Are you kidding? The minute I laid eyes on her.
Daphne: Even I can see it.
Frasier: Really? Well, she does look a bit like Roz, but she's a
totally different person. You know, in fact our relationship
is unlike any I've ever had before.
Mia: [enters taking him by the hands mother-like] Come on,
handsome. Let's go buy you some pants!
Frasier: [boyish excitement] Oh, okay!

Mia leads Frasier out the door as Niles and Daphne give each other a
look.

End Of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene One - The Cabin.
It's an old rustic cabin with a stone fireplace and a wooden
floorboard. Martin enters with his cases, mesmerized.

Martin: [cheerfully sent back] Oh, wow! Look at that. I don't
believe it. Nothing's changed. [calls] Niles!

Then Niles enters, glumly putting his cases down.

Niles: [disappointed] Wow! I don't believe it! Look at this!
Nothing's changed!
Martin: It's character, Niles. Look at this fireplace. [sits by it]
Your mom and I used to sit in front of the fire here holding
hands. I wonder if that... [pulls up rug] Oh, yeah! It's
still here. That graffiti that you scratched into the floor.
Niles: That's not graffiti, Dad, that's a Latin pun. "Semper Ubi Sub
Ubi" - "Always Where Under Where"

[N.B. In literal translation they are the correct forms of where -
i.e., not wear.]

Car horns are heard.

Niles: Oh, that'll be Frasier and Mia.
Martin: Yeah, I was really surprised he brought her here for the
weekend. What's she like, anyway?
Niles: Uh, well, she made quite an impression on me. I'm curious to
see what you'll think.

Niles swats a bug above his head.

Niles: Dad, would you hand me that valise, I want to put on some bug
repellent.
Martin: Oh, sure [hands it over] Ooh, it's kind of heavy. What you
got in there?
Niles: Bug repellent!

Niles opens the valise revealing cans and cans of the stuff all lined
up. Martin exits with his cases to the bedrooms. Niles sprays his
arms and legs. Then, as Frasier walks in, Niles sprays a puff into the
air, shuts his eyes and pushes his face into it. Frasier rolls his
eyes.

Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: [calls outside] Honey, you stay out there as long as you
like. [to Niles] She can't take her eyes off that sunset.
Is everything all set here?
Niles: Yes, I just want to make sure this VCR works for our little
home movies, later. [presses button twice] Check.
Frasier: Splendid. Niles, you know what, we're going to need some
more logs from the wood pile. Come give me a hand.
Niles: [reluctant] All right.
Martin: [enters] Fras, isn't it great to be back here? You know,
I want to thank you guys, this is some gift.
Frasier: You're welcome, Dad. Listen, if you're enjoying this little
trip down memory lane, wait until you see the other blast
from the past we brought up here.

Niles quiets him and he and Frasier exit to the kitchen. Then Mia
enters through the door behind Martin’s back.

Mia: Martin? Hi.

Martin turns around and cannot believe his eyes - it's as if Hester
has come back from the dead.

Mia: It's Mia. Oh my gosh, Frasier did tell you I was coming,
didn't he?
Martin: Oh, yeah. [laughs] Of course he did. Yeah, well, nice meeting
you.
Mia: It's very nice to meet you. Well, it's so beautiful here.
Martin: I'm glad you like it.
Mia: Are you kidding? I feel like I'm in heaven.
Martin: I'm starting to feel that way myself.

Then Frasier and Niles enter, carrying some logs. Frasier is obviously
distraught.

Frasier: Well, nice going, Niles!
Mia: What happened?
Frasier: Niles dropped a huge log right onto my hand when he was
startled by a moth.
Niles: It was not a moth, it was a bat. I could tell from that
eerie high-pitched scream.
Frasier: That was you! Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing
someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural
predators. It's us versus them, and frankly I'm starting
to wonder just whose side you're on.
Frasier: It just amazes me that a good psychiatrist can be so blind
of something so obvious.
Mia: [motherly] Oh honey, your poor thumb, we should put something
on that.
Frasier: [like a son] You know, okay.

Mia leads Frasier to the kitchen. Martin gives Niles a look.

Martin: God, she looks just like your mother.
Niles: I know, and Frasier doesn't see it.
Martin: You're kidding?
Niles: No, and he has the gall to tell me I'm blind. He's clearly
the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the
obvious Oedipal issues.
Martin: Argle, gargle, gooble, goop.
Niles: What?
Martin: Now you know how it feels, what are you talking about?!
Niles: I'm talking about Freud's theory of the "Oedipus Complex."
He believed that every man subconsciously wants to sleep with
his mother and k*ll his father. It's modeled on the Greek
tragedy of Oedipus, who actually did sleep with his mother
and k*ll his father, and when he realized what he'd done he
gouged out both his eyes.
Martin: Probably not too tough to pick that guy out of a line-up.
Niles: [notices open door] Oh, why don't we just send out engraved
invitations for all the bugs of the forest? [shuts door] The
question is: how do we bring it to Frasier's attention?
Martin: We don't!
Niles: Dad, denial of this magnitude is not healthy, it's for his
own good.
Martin: No, Niles.
Niles: Okay, it's for my own good. Come on, after the way he wagged
his finger at me, you can't expect I'm just going to keep
quiet about this.
Martin: Look, the last thing I want on my birthday weekend is some big
long drawn-out argument between you two, all right? Now let's
just chill this beer that we brought, all right, and just put
all these weird thoughts out of our minds.
Niles: Fine.

Then Frasier and Mia enter hand in hand. They bump into Martin.

Frasier: Oh, sorry, Dad. Come on, hon. Let's go see if our room still
has that big creaky old pine bed that Mom and Dad used to
sleep in. [exits with Mia to the bedroom, o.s.] A-ha! Yeah,
there she is!
Martin: Well, a guess a warm one wouldn't k*ll us.

Martin passes a beer to Niles and takes one for himself.

FADE TO:

MOMMA MIA


Scene Two - The Cabin
The four are sat around the dinner table with a meal in front of them.

Martin: Boy, being in this place really takes me back. Remember that
summer I tried to teach you boys how to fish? You just didn't
have the knack, so I went out and I bought these two big trout
and snuck 'em on the boat.
Mia: Oh, Marty, you're terrible!
Martin: Yeah, and then I put the trout on their hooks and I dropped
them over the side while you two were still arguing about the
last Dramamine. I felt bad about fooling ya', but hell, what's
the harm of a little fantasy if it makes you feel good?
Mia: More wine?
Martin: Oh thanks, hon.

Mia pours Martin the wine turning into an almost husband and wife
duo. Niles reacts.

Mia: Frasier, you've hardly touched your chicken. Is something
wrong?
Frasier: Oh, no, no, it's just that, well, I'm having a little trouble
holding the Kn*fe because someone dropped a log on my thumb.
Niles: Oh, it didn't hurt you that badly, you are such a baby.
Frasier: No, you are a baby, running and screaming because of a
little moth.
Niles: I told you it was a bat!

Frasier and Niles begin arguing.

Martin: All right boys, that's enough. Not at the table.
Mia: Your father's right.

Niles reacts.

Mia: Now Frasier, if your hands hurting, I'll cut your meat for
you.
Frasier: Well, all right.

Mia begins cutting the meat in a motherly style.

Frasier: You know Niles, not to dwell on this, but you know, I could
give you the number of a man who specializes in bug phobias.
Niles: Oh is that so...
Frasier: And while you're at it, I think you should talk to him about
your constant chair dusting, I believe that is related.
Martin: Frasier!
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Dad, I think a good psychiatrist should be
self-aware.
Mia: [giving Frasier a piece of meat] Open wide!
Niles: So you're saying I lack self-awareness?
Martin: Why don't we change the subject, all right? This is a great
meal, Mia.
Niles: It certainly was. Frasier, when it comes to girlfriends,
you've certainly struck the MOTHERload.
Martin: Niles!
Frasier: You haven't even read her books yet, Dad, it's a delightful
series about an adventurous little panda.
Niles: It sounds worthy of MOTHER Goose!
Martin: [changing subject] So, what's coming up next week, Mia?
Mia: Well, I'll have to swear you to secrecy.
Martin: All right.
Mia: It looks like that Panda might just find its way into the
attic. [they all laugh]
Niles: Yes, MUM's the word.

Martin "accidentally" knocks his wine over Niles.

Martin: Oh, sorry, Niles. Would you maybe come into the kitchen and
I'll just help you get dried off in there, all right?
Niles: Yes, oh dear, it looks like these pants may have to be
REPRESSED!

Martin knocks Niles into the kitchen and he follows him.

Martin: What the hell's the matter with you?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry Dad, you can't expect me to let him sit there
in his booster seat and tell me I lack self-awareness.
Martin: He'll pick up on what you're saying. Do you want the whole
thing to blow up?
Niles: Dad, this level of denial is unhealthy.
Martin: [shouting] We're not in denial! Everything's perfect!
This is the best birthday I've ever had!

Then Mia and Frasier enter. Mia bumps into Martin as she enters.

Mia: I know it's early, but I'm exhausted.
Martin: Oh Mia, you go, you hit the sack, thanks for dinner.

They all ad-lib compliments.

Frasier: I'll be along in a minute.

Mia exits.

Niles: Frasier, before you turn in, there's a little something we
need to deal with.
Martin: Oh, Jeez.
Frasier: Oh right, Dad, your birthday gift.
Martin: Oh yes, my gift, my gift, I want to open my gift. It's my
birthday this weekend, right?

Martin exits.

Frasier: Come on Niles. [Niles stands miffed] It'll be fun, come on.
Niles: Oh yes, fine! [throws down a cloth]
Frasier: Oh come on, seeing you and me, Dad and Mom?
Niles: [realizes] You know, I'm getting more excited by the second.

Frasier and Niles enter the room where they find Martin.

Frasier: Okay, Dad, now listen, you sit right here.

Martin moves to a seat in front of the television.

Martin: Oh right, okay, what is this? Some kind of movie?
Frasier: That's right. Here we go.

Niles puts the video on. We then see lots of pictures on the
television. They show a young Niles and Frasier messing about
at the cabin. Then it shows them playing "Peter Pan," fighting
with toy swords.

Martin: Oh, my old home movies. I haven't seen these for twenty
years.
Frasier: Well, happy birthday, Dad, now you can watch them whenever
you like. [to Niles] Isn't it just the reaction you were
hoping for?
Niles: One of them.

Then Hester Crane appears on the television, playing Wendy with the
boys. Frasier straight away notices her resemblance to Mia and gasps.
Martin and Niles turns to look at him.

Frasier: Oh, dear God! Do you two see what I see? My God, they could
be twins.
Martin: Now Frasier, take it easy...
Frasier: You do see it?! How could you miss it? How could I miss it?
Martin: Niles, just calm him down and I'll get him a drink of water.

Martin exits to the kitchen. Frasier begins to hyperventilate.

Niles: Frasier, Frasier, the important thing is not to blow this
out of proportion. After all...

Niles is interrupted when he feels the presence of something above his
head. He whacks the air.

Niles: Dear God, what was that, a hummingbird?!
Frasier: What is the matter with me?!
Niles: [running for his bug spray] Now Frasier, you didn't do
anything wrong, your feelings for Mia stem from perfectly
natural Oedipal desires.
Frasier: Yes, but Oedipal desires are supposed to resolve themselves
by the age of six!

Niles starts with the bug spray.

Frasier: Oh for God's sake, give me that, you idiot!

Frasier takes the spray and "blinds" himself with it accidentally.

Frasier: [screams] I've blinded myself!

Martin enters with water and sees the commotion.

Martin: I leave you alone with him for two seconds...
Niles: Frasier, are you all right?
Frasier: [gasping] Let me just try to calm down a little bit. She's
not my mother.

We then see Hester on the video, at the bedroom door, beckoning to
Martin to come to bed. Then in present times, Mia comes to the
bedroom door and with exactly the same gestures as Hester gave:

Mia: Frasier, come to bed.

Mia exits back to the bedroom and Frasier looks away in fright.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - The Cabin's Bedroom.
Mia is sat on the bed wearing only a silk dressing gown. Frasier
enters cautiously.

Frasier: [scared] Hello? You wanted to see me?
Mia: [sexy] I hope I wasn't rushing you.
Frasier: No, no, it is bedtime.
Mia: Are you okay sweetie? You seem a little tense.
Frasier: No, no, no, I just need to calm down a little bit. [sits
rigidly on bed] Yeah, you see, that's better.
Mia: It seems like you're in pain. Oh, it's your hand.
Frasier: [covering] Yes, yes, that's it.
Mia: Well, I know what the problem is there. I never kissed your
little boo-boo.

Mia kisses his thumb. Frasier screams nervously.

Mia: We don't want these other fingers to be jealous, do we?

Mia kisses his second finger. Frasier nervously pulls his hand away.

Mia: Frasier, honey, please.

Mia cradles his head in her lap like a mother does to her son.

Mia: Tell me what's wrong. What's bothering you?
Frasier: I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just having
a little trouble getting comfortable.
Mia: Well, was it something I did, something I said at dinner,
what?

Frasier sits up.

Frasier: Okay, okay. Gosh, this is awkward. I just realized that you
bear a striking resemblance to my mother.
Mia: But you just noticed it now?
Frasier: Yes.
Mia: Well, it can't be that strong of a resemblance then, can it?
[Frasier looks at her] That strong, huh? Well listen, I
hope you can get over it, because I think we have a pretty
great thing going here. Don't you?
Frasier: Yes.
Mia: We have loads in common, we get along great and don't you
want to stick around long enough to see how that naughty
Panda gets out of the attic?
Frasier: Oh, I do, yes. You're right, just talking about this makes
me feel much better. Oh, God, you're not my mother, this is
ridiculous.
Mia: So, you're okay.
Frasier: I'm okay.

They kiss passionately.

Frasier: I'm better than okay.
Mia: Okay, then.

Mia stands up, opens her robe and lets it drop to the floor. Frasier
however isn't okay and looks away in angst.

Scene Four - The Cabin.
The same night a taxi horn sounds. Frasier is sat with Mia. Mia has
her luggage ready to go.

Frasier: Oh well, there's your cab.
Mia: Take care of yourself.
Frasier: Yeah. I'm sorry, this is so awkward.
Mia: No really, it's fine.

Frasier lets Mia out to her cab and shouts "sorry" after her before
closing the door. Frasier thinks to himself for a while before
Martin and Niles enter in their dressing gowns from the other
bedrooms.

Martin: I take it that cab was for Mia.
Frasier: Yeah. You know, I tried to get past it but I just couldn't.
Martin: I'm sorry, son.
Niles: Yeah, me too, Frasier.
Frasier: I won't be getting much sleep tonight.
Martin: Well, I'm up too.
Niles: I won't be getting a wink of sleep either the way those
crickets are raging.
Martin: Niles, why don't you get us all a nice big brandy? [Niles
does] Now, don't make too much of this, Frasier. So you
picked a woman who looked like your mother, so what?
Frasier: "Like her" would have been fine, Dad. We're not talking about
a similar hairdo or the same crooked smile. I was dating a
replicant.
Martin: Now Frasier, I know you're going to go crazy convincing
yourself that you've got some big complex, but couldn't
it be simpler than that? Maybe you just miss your mother.
I know I do.
Frasier: I do think about her a lot.
Niles: We all do.

Niles hands Frasier his brandy and then Martin, they ad-lib thanks.

Martin: Hey, I think we've talked about all this enough for one night.
So, it's still my birthday. I want to watch the rest of my
movies.
Frasier: That's a great idea, Dad.

Niles puts the video on.

Niles: Check.

They all sit and watch. The first scene is of Niles and Frasier
fighting.

Niles: Well, there certainly are a lot of us fighting.
Frasier: You know, Dad, I wish there were more sh*ts with you in it.
Martin: No, no, no, I liked being the cameraman.

On the video, we see a sneaky sh*t of Hester's legs.

Martin: I got to focus on the things I liked.

On the TV, Hester catches Martin taping her and waves him away,
scandalized. The Crane Boys laugh.

Then, Hester leans forward into the camera and says, "I love you."
Martin sinks his head down onto the handle of his cane. On the
screen, Hester blows a kiss to her husband and sons and says, "I
love you" again. Martin looks at it thoughtfully along with his
sons.

Credits:
The Cabin.
We see a clip from Martin's home video. Young Niles is on the
couch revealing all his problems to Young Frasier who is acting
as a psychiatrist. Frasier looks at the camera and whirls his
finger around his head, calling Niles "crazy."
Synopsis
ACT ONE

SCENE ONE - CAFE NERVOSA - DAY

Frasier and Roz are at the window table next to the front door,
Frasier fidgeting anxiously and fuming to Roz that the blind date
she's set him up with is obviously planning to stand him up. To
distract him, Roz asks him to tell her about the cabin. Frasier
begins to explain that he and Niles are taking Martin on a birthday
trip to the same cabin where the family used to vacation years ago,
but Frasier can't keep his mind on the conversation. His ego is
wounded and he keeps complaining that he's been stood up -- at least
until a very attractive woman walks into the cafe with a male
companion and they sit at the table near the end of the coffee bar.

Frasier abruptly forgets all about his blind date -- and everything
else, including Roz -- as he stares at the mystery woman in
fascination. Roz finally gets his attention and he hastily enlists
her help to find out whether the mystery woman is attached to her
male companion. Roz reluctantly departs on a fact-finding mission,
but arrives at the wrong table. She is ecstatic to find out that the
woman she's questioning is just friends with her attractive male
companion, and Roz makes herself comfortable at the wrong table.

Frasier looks on in exasperation and finally decides to approach the
mystery woman, who has stepped up to the coffee bar and is waiting
for her order. He introduces himself and is shyly explaining that
he doesn't ordinarily hit on every woman he sees, when the woman from
Roz's table comes over and offers to get acquainted with Frasier
based on Roz's flattering description. Frasier explains the
situation and has just sent her back over to Roz and resumed his
conversation when Frasier's blind date shows up and comes over to
introduce herself. He stumbles through an explanation and the blind
date also goes off to talk with an increasingy embarrassed Roz.

After a belated introduction Frasier realizes that his mystery woman
is well-known children's author Mia Preston, whose books are a
favorite of his son Frederick's. Mia is flattered and after some
hesitation finally accepts Frasier's charmingly awkward lunch
invitation.


SCENE TWO - FRASIER'S APARTMENT - DAY

Daphne is reading on the couch as Martin enters from the bedroom,
wearing a pair of oversized rubber waders that he's breaking in for
his trip to the cabin. He asks after Fraiser and Daphne makes a
guess that he's off with his new girlfriend Mia again. They compare
notes on Frasier's state of giddy infatuation as Frasier and Niles
come in. Niles is carrying a gym bag. Martin goes off to finish
packing as Niles begins to complain about the terrible insect
situation at the cabin and Frasier reproves him for his out-of-
control bug phobia.

Daphne asks when they will have a chance to meet Mia, and Frasier
replies that she is on her way over to take him clothing shopping
before they leave for the cabin. As soon as Martin is gone, Niles
darts over to his gym bag and removes several videotapes which
Frasier quickly hides, telling Daphne that they have had some old
home movies transferred to videotape for their father's birthday. He
coaxes Daphne to come with them, but she shudders at the thought of
the fish- and home-movie-filled weekend, and declines the invitation.

Just then Mia arrives and Frasier greets her affectionately. Daphne
and Niles are friendly, but Niles is obviously very bothered by
something. Frasier and Mia exit for the kitchen, and Niles tells
Daphne that Mia looks exactly like their mother. When Frasier
returns, Niles tries to ask him about the resemblance, but doesn't
get far before he learns that Frasier thinks Mia looks like Roz. Mia
returns and leads Frasier out the door in a distinctly maternal way:
"Come on, handsome, let's go buy you some pants!" Niles and Daphne
look on in dismay.


SCENE THREE - The Cabin - Sunset

Niles and Martin arrive at the cabin as Martin rhapsodizes over all
the fond memories that the family shared there, especially he and
Hester. He asks about Mia, who has followed them up to the cabin in
a separate car with Frasier. Niles replies diplomatically that she
made quite an impression on him, but he is interrupted by a dive-
bombing mosquito. He heads over to his suitcase and opens it to
reveal a truly impressive array of insect repellents of every
description. Frasier arrives without Mia, who has stayed outside the
cabin to watch the sunset, and Frasier drags Niles off to the
woodpile to get firewood, prompting Niles to douse himself with even
more repellent.

Martin is alone in the living room as Mia comes in and introduces
herself. Martin is stunned to meet her and doesn't quite know what
to say. Mia has no idea why he's hesitant and apologizes for barging
in on their family weekend, but Martin recovers himself and welcomes
her with all his charm. It rapidly becomes clear that Martin is
growing fonder of Mia by the moment.

Frasier returns with Niles and an armful of firewood, complaining
loudly. Niles apparently dropped a log onto Frasier's thumb after
being scared by a moth. Mia coos over the injury and leads Frasier
off to the kitchen for first aid as Frasier scolds Niles about his
bug phobia and urges him to get psychiatric help.

Alone with Niles, Martin can't get over Mia's resemblance to Hester.
Niles informs him that Frasier doesn't have any idea about the
resemblance, and ends up explaining Freud's theory of the Oedipus
complex to an incredulous Martin. Niles is fuming over Frasier's
judgmental attitude toward his bug phobia and is eager to force
Frasier to recognize Mia's resemblance to Hester. Martin sees it as
harmless and advises against meddling, but changes his mind after
Frasier and Mia pass through, laughing slyly on their way to the
bedroom to check out the bed Martin and Hester used to sleep in.
Martin and Niles reach for the beer as they contemplate the awkward
weekend ahead.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE - CABIN LIVING ROOM - DINNERTIME

The four are gathered around the dinner table as Martin tells a story
about the boys' childhood. He is clearly in the middle of a pleasant
fantasy with Mia in Hester's place as family matriarch. Mia and
Frasier are blissfully unaware as Mia listens fondly to Martin's
stories and offers him more wine. Niles tries to hold his tongue,
but grows more and more uneasy with the Oedipal undercurrents as
Martin slips and calls Mia "hon", then Mia fusses maternally over
Frasier's injured thumb, cuts his meat for him at the table and feeds
him bites of food.

Niles grows increasingly angry over Frasier's insistence that Niles
see a psychiatrist for his insect phobia. It's clearly all he can do
not to confront Frasier, and Martin anxiouly tries to change the
subject to prevent Niles blowing up and ruining the peaceful weekend.
In desperation he spills a glass of wine on Niles and rushes him out
to the kitchen to clean up.

In the kitchen Niles and Martin argue furiously. Martin is having a
great time and wants to keep the secret, while Niles insists that
Frasier's denial is extremely unhealthy. Mia and Frasier come in
bearing dirty dishes from the table, and Mia decides she is exhausted
and heads off to bed. Niles begins to confront Frasier, but Martin
interrupts and insists on opening his birthday gift, so the three
head back to the living room.

SCENE TWO - THE LIVING ROOM - A MOMENT LATER

Frasier settles Martin in front of the television and pops a tape
into the VCR. Martin is excited and happy to see the old film of
Frasier and Niles playing, having a mock swordfight, and reading at
the cabin. Then Hester appears on the tape, and Frasier is
profoundly shocked at her resemblance to Mia. He begins to have a
panic att*ck, which Niles attempts to forestall by reminding him that
Oedipal feelings are a normal part of development. But Niles himself
begins to panic when he is mattacked by a mosquito that has invaded
the cabin. He leaps for the insect repellent and begins spraying
madly. Frasier grabs the can in frustration, but ends up temporarily
blinding himself with the spray in unconscious imitation of the
Oedipal myth.

Frasier tries to calm down by reminding himself that Mia is not his
mother. With typical bad timing, the videotape next shows Hester
looking appealing in a bathrobe, followed seconds later by Mia
entering the cabin living room in her own bathrobe, suggestively
summoning Frasier to bed. He is panic-stricken.

SCENE THREE - CABIN BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Frasier inches his way into the room where Mia is waiting for him in
bed. She notices his discomfort and coaxes him to tell her what the
problem is. After much hesitation he finally tells her. She
patiently reminds him that she is not his mother and that they have a
really good relationship, which she would hate to lose. Frasier
agrees and starts to relax. Mia is reassured and begins to take off
her bathrobe. Frasier panics.

SCENE FOUR - CABIN LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER

Mia is fully dressed and standing at the door as a car horn sounds
from outside. She and Frasier hug and Mia goes out to the cab with
her suitcase.

Niles pours three brandies, and Martin reminds Frasier that he need
not t*rture himself by looking for the deep psychological meaning
about his relationship with Mia. Perhaps it's simpler, Martin
suggests -- maybe Frasier just misses his mother. Martin and Niles
agree that all three of them miss her, and they settle down a bit
more cheerfully to watch the rest of the videotape.

The three laugh as once again the tape shows Niles and Frasier
fighting. Frasier remarks that it's a shame Martin wasn't in more of
the tape, but Martin says that he didn't mind being the cameraman.
As the camera follows the curvaceous Hester in a pair of form-fitting
slacks, Martin says fondly that taking the pictures gave him the
chance to focus on the things he liked.

On the tape Hester finally notices she's being filmed; she laughs and
motions us away, but finally smiles and mouths "I love you" at the
camera. The Crane men are very still as they watch her, each lost
in his own memories.


FADE OUT.