07x06 - Rivals

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Frasier hurriedly enters the café with a pursuing Poppy hot on his
heels.

Poppy: Hey, Frasier!
Frasier: Hello, Poppy.
Poppy: You should have your hearing checked. I've been yelling
"wait up!" for the last four blocks.
Frasier: [excusing] Well, I must be getting old.
Poppy: Like an old man can walk that fast! You were practically
running the last block. Did I ever tell you about my uncle
who ran everywhere? He ran to the store...
Frasier: [puts his hand up] That's a very interesting story. Yes,
I'll see you at the station, okay? [notices Roz at a front
table] Roz!

Frasier crosses to Roz and sits with her as Poppy goes to the counter.

Frasier: Thank God you were here.
Roz: I know exactly how you feel. Last week I ducked into a
bathroom stall to get away from her and there were three
other women already in there. Listen, I have a favor to
ask. This friend of mine is running this charity dinner
dance Friday night...
Frasier: Oh, Roz, say no more. What do they need? An autographed
picture for their silent auction?
Roz: That would be a silent auction!
Frasier: Very funny.
Roz: No, what I was hoping you'd do is buy a couple of tickets.
They're only a hundred bucks each.
Frasier: I don't know Roz, I'd have to take a date. Seattle does have
certain expectations about the sort of person I'm to be seen
with.
Roz: Oh, that's easy! [points out Niles who has just entered the
café] Here he is! Let's see if he's free.
Frasier: [playing along] I'll let you know!

Roz gets up, greets Niles, and exits. Niles greets Frasier and sits
with him.

Niles: Mind if I join you?
Frasier: Well, actually I'm not staying, I'm avoiding someone.
Niles: Oh, who?
Frasier: [points Poppy out] The new so-called arts critic at the
station, Poppy!
Niles: [knowingly] A-ha.
Frasier: The woman drives me mad, she gasses on endlessly about the
most mundane matters. Absolutely infuriating - [noticing
Niles's grin] - as is that smirk of yours.
Niles: Well, I'm sorry if I've noticed that not a day goes by that
you don't badmouth this woman.
Frasier: Well, with good reason. The woman is a windsock.
Niles: I'm wondering if someone isn't protesting a bit too much.
She's very attractive, obviously well-bred. Perhaps all
this "Pigtails and Inkwells" hostility is actually a veiled
attraction.
Frasier: [sarcastic] Oh, bravo Dr. Crane! Yes, I think you're really
on to something there.

Frasier stands as Poppy comes over to him.

Poppy: Oh, where's Roz gone?
Frasier: Oh, she dashed off to the office. We're going to continue our
meeting there. You know, Poppy, I was just telling my brother
what an enchanting storyteller you are. Why don't you take my
seat, and he can find out for himself? [he seats her] Ta-ta.

Frasier exits as Niles makes conversation.

Niles: Well, nice to finally meet you, Poppy. There must be quite a
story behind that name.

Poppy stares at him sweetly, mesmerized.

Poppy: Yes.
Niles: So... You're the new arts critic at the station, that must be
interesting.
Poppy: Oh, yes.
Niles: Okay, well if you don't feel like talking, I should be really
running along anyway. [starts to get up]
Poppy: No, don't go. I am just amazed at how different you are from
your brother. He's sort of intimidating, I get so flustered
around him, I just start babbling. But you, you're different.
You're very warm.
Niles: Thank you. So are you.
Poppy: Polite, not to mention stylish and charming, [getting carried
away] and incredibly handsome. Oh my God! Am I babbling
again?
Niles: [pleased] If you were, I'd be too polite and charming to tell
you. [laughs]

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier enters his apartment that afternoon to find a half-naked lady
on the phone. All she is wearing is a bath towel.

Regan: [on phone] Well, what the hell are you doing?

Frasier looks at the scene and exits the room again. In the hallway,
he checks the door number and sees it is his own. He ponders and
wonders if he's gone mad before entering again to find the same scene.

Regan: [on phone] I've been waiting for twenty minutes. [hangs up
and then to Frasier] I am so sorry. You're probably
wondering who I am.
Frasier: I'm mildly curious.
Regan: I got into the shower - my shower. I just moved in next door.
I probably should have started with that, huh? [shakes his
hand] I'm Regan Shaw, by the way. Anyway, the doorbell rang,
and I figured it was the phone guy because I've been waiting
all day long. I ran to catch him, and stepped out into the
hallway and locked myself out. Luckily your father came
along.

Martin enters with a bathrobe and hands it to Regan.

Martin: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Yes, that was lucky.
Martin: All right, well this should keep you nice and warm and I'll
just run in the kitchen and get you your herbal tea.
Frasier: If you'll excuse me, I'll just show my father where it's kept.

Martin and Frasier enter the kitchen where Martin sets about pouring
the herbal tea.

Martin: Pretty sweet, eh? I found her right out in the hall.
Frasier: Yes, well, I'm sorry Dad, but you can't keep her.
Martin: No, I've brought her here for you. I've been talking you up
the whole time.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah. Listen, I've served this one to you on a platter. In
fact, if it wasn't for the jasmine on your robe, I'd say this
one was a slam-dunk.
Frasier: I'm just...
Martin: It's a basketball phrase.
Frasier: Yes, I know that, Dad. I want to chat up a half naked woman
without looking uncouth.
Martin: Well, just be friendly, you know. She's a veterinarian,
she's single, she's very athletic, as you can tell from that
body. And Lord... [thinks about body]
Frasier: Dad!
Martin: Just because you're serving the cake doesn't mean you can't
have a few crumbs that drop off.

Frasier and Martin enter the living room. Martin hands over the
herbel tea to Regan.

Martin: Hi. Well, here we go. There you are. Now, I've got a call
to make so Frasier'll keep you entertained.
Regan: Thanks for the tea.
Martin: Don't mention it. [exits]
Frasier: So, you're next door? Oh, that's right. Judge Gilroy moved
in with his daughter.
Regan: I bet he never wandered into your apartment wearing a towel.
Frasier: No, but I did hear he wandered into work one day wearing a
towel, though. I guess that's why he had to move in with his
daughter. [laughs]

Martin then enters with some car keys.

Martin: Looks like I walked off with your car keys. I should have
known from the big [stresses and jingles the keys] BMW on
it!
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.

Martin exits to the kitchen.

Frasier: So, Regan, that's an unusual name. Is it by any chance
from...
Regan: From "King Lear," yeah. One of the ungrateful daughters.
I don't know what my dad was thinking. Never do. I'm sorry,
I have some issues with my father.

Martin enters with a kitchen spoon.

Martin: [obviously prying] Excuse me again.
Frasier: I have no idea what that would be like! What?!
Martin: [stands around] Well, I better be on my way, huh? Just let
you two talk. He's a wonderful listener. In fact, that's his
motto on his very popular radio show, "I Listen."
Frasier: Yes, Dad, don't forget my sign off: "Goodbye!"

Martin laughs, hits him on the head with the spoon and exits to his
room.

Regan: I actually listen to your show.
Frasier: Really? Well, I'm flattered, thank you.
Regan: I think if I hadn't gone into veterinary medicine it would
have been psychology. Think I was just always drawn to
animals.

Frasier looks over at Eddie who is seated on Martin's chair.

Frasier: Yes, it is hard not to love them.

Frasier begins stroking Eddie rather harshly before eventually picking
him up and putting him on his knee. Frasier smiles at Regan as if he's
loving it.

FADE TO:

SPY VS. SPY


Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is sat on the couch with his head in his hands as Martin
stands by his chair.

Martin: I just feel so responsible. Maybe there was something more
I could have said, something more I could have done. I keep
playing it over and over in my head.
Frasier: I'll ask her out today, Dad.

Meanwhile, Daphne and Niles are coming up to the apartment in the
elevator.

Daphne: Dr. Crane, do you believe women have an intuition about men?
Niles: Intuition?
Daphne: Like they might know when a man has a little crush.

Niles begins to get anxious.

Daphne: You know, by the way he fidgets or gets a look in his eye
or...

Niles cannot stop fidgeting and eventually tries leaning on the
elevator side. He inadvertently presses the fire alarm. He quickly
turns it off.

Daphne: I only ask because I'm getting that feeling from your
brother.
Niles: [relieved] Really, huh?
Daphne: He's all moony-eyed today, someone he's quite keen on.
Niles: Actually I know who it is. I called him on it yesterday in
the coffee shop, he won't admit to it. The problem is...
Daphne: Yeah?
Niles: I've developed a crush myself and it happens to be...

The elevator comes to a halt. The doors open to reveal Frasier
standing with Eddie in his arms.

Niles: Frasier? Whatcha doing?
Frasier: Come in.

Niles, Daphne and Frasier enter the apartment.

Frasier: So, Niles. How are you?
Niles: [hangs his coat up] Well. The question is, how are you?
I hear you're been running around like a love sick schoolboy.
Frasier: Who told you that?
Niles: Well, let's just say that the birds around here are chirping.
Anyway... are you prepared to admit that my little theory
yesterday was correct?
Frasier: Are you talking about Poppy?
Niles: Yes, the woman you so adamantly denied having any attraction
to.
Frasier: I still do, she's loathsome.
Niles: Does it gall you so much to admit I'm right?
Frasier: But you're not right.
Niles: So, well then, who is this person you're so interested in?
Frasier: You don't know her.
Niles: Tell me about her.
Frasier: It's premature.
Niles: Oh, brother!
Frasier: All right, fine, if you must know. The woman happens to
be...

There is a knock at the door.

Regan: [o.s] Hello.
Frasier: [whispers] Her, my next door neighbor.
Niles: [not believing] Oh, what good timing she has!

Frasier opens the door to Regan and she enters.

Frasier: Hi, come in.
Regan: I just wanted to return this tea cup. [hands it over]
Frasier: Oh, well, you're welcome any time. Er, Regan Shaw, this is
my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.

Niles and Regan exchange nervous greetings. They obviously recognize
each other.

Frasier: Do you two know each other?
Regan/Niles: Yes./No.
Frasier: Well, I'll just get us all some coffee and you two can
decide if you know each other or not.

Frasier exits to the kitchen.

Regan: I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane. I just was a little startled seeing
you outside your office.
Niles: Please, don't even think about it, have a seat. [they sit]
Well, so I gather this is your new building.
Regan: Yes. Right next door to your brother who I just met. Is that
so strange?
Niles: Yes, well, remember, I have a policy of total confidentiality.
[Daphne enters] He never needs to know that you've started
seeing me.

Niles notices Daphne who is lingering around. Daphne excuses herself.

Daphne: Oh, here it is.

Daphne picks up an ashtray and takes it back into the kitchen where
Frasier is pacing around.

Frasier: What did you find out?
Daphne: It sounded like they've had a date or two. He mentioned
having seen her.
Frasier: Damn him!
Daphne: Come to think of it, he said something in the elevator about
having a crush on someone.
Frasier: Well, I just have to confront him and see if he's man enough
to admit he's horned in on my territory.
Daphne: Well, excuse me, Dr. Crane, but didn't your brother meet her
first?
Frasier: Oh, honestly, Daphne, just try to keep up. It's not that
complicated!

Frasier enters with coffee.

Frasier: Well, here we are.
Regan: Actually, I can't stay. I've got the heating man coming.
Frasier: Oh!
Regan: Can I take a rain check?
Frasier: Well, certainly. Would you like to go out for coffee some
time?
Regan: Yeah, I'd like that. Bye.
Frasier: Great. Bye.
Niles: [calls] Bye.

Frasier opens the door for her. When she exits he slams the door and
looks around at Niles.

Frasier: So, I do take it you two know each other.
Niles: Well, we met briefly at some event. [pours a coffee]
Frasier: I see. Changing the subject completely, Daphne just mentioned
that you happen to have a little crush on someone yourself.
Niles: [sighs] Yes, I have.
Frasier: Care to elaborate?
Niles: Yes, I will. Unlike you, I don't mind being candid. The
woman is Poppy.
Frasier: [not believing] Poppy?!
Niles: We had coffee yesterday after you left. You're not upset?
Frasier: No, not at all. Thank you for your candor, Niles. I'm sure
you and Poppy will be very happy together. [smirks and laughs]
Niles: Are you laughing at me? [rises to his feet] You think so
little of my chances?
Frasier: No, no, Niles. [a bad tone] I wish you and Poppy the very
best!
Niles: I don't need this smug attitude of yours. [gets his coat] I
fully intended to discuss this amiably. You refuse, so I'll
just say goodbye.
Frasier: Very well, thanks for dropping by, off you go.

Niles exits as Daphne enters from the kitchen.

Frasier: What kind of a fool does he take me for? He is obviously
pursuing Regan, the man has the nerve to say he's chasing
Poppy.
Daphne: [shocked] Poppy?
Frasier: Yes, as if anyone could pursue that insufferable air hoi!
Well, if it's deceit and chicanery he's after, I'll give him
more than he can handle.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, before it gets to that level, wouldn't it
make sense for you two just to have one open and honest
conversation?
Frasier: Honestly, Daphne, how you manage to overreact in absolutely
everything!

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is seated at a table as Roz crosses to him and pulls up a
chair.

Roz: These shoes are k*lling me, I can't wait to sit down.
Frasier: [pulls chair back] Well, you're not going to sit there.
Roz: Why not? [pulls chair back]
Frasier: [pulls chair back] I'm expecting someone for coffee.
Roz: Well, Niles is small, we can share.
Frasier: It is not Niles, will you stop saying that? I'm meeting a
woman.
Roz: [sits] Well, I'll move when she gets here. By the way,
I still have four tickets left for that charity ball
Friday night.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Roz, thanks anyway.
Roz: Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide disaster relief.

Poppy enters and shouts over.

Poppy: Hi, partners! [crosses to them] Frasier, I was leaving the
booth and I found this umbrella. [hands it over] I think it
belongs to you.
Frasier: Yes, it's my emergency umbrella. I always leave it in the
booth.
Poppy: Don't feel bad, I'm forgetful too!

Niles enters from the toilets at the back and notices Poppy as she
cradles Frasier's head in sympathy. Poppy exits.

Frasier: I think I'll just go and see what's keeping my latte. Would
you watch my table please, Roz?

As Frasier goes to see the waitress he passes Niles on the other side
of the room. They stare at each other like two cowboys from a western
movie. Niles arrives at Roz's table.

Niles: Hello, Roz. I noticed that Poppy was here. Did she mention
where she was headed?
Roz: No. Listen, Niles, can I interest you in a couple of tickets
for a charity ball this Friday? It's a great event.
Niles: Is Frasier going?
Roz: No, but do you have to go everything together?
Niles: I'll take two. [does so] I'm in a hurry, I'll send you a
check.

Niles exits leaving Roz confused as Frasier crosses to her.

Frasier: Where was Niles in such a rush off to?
Roz: I have no idea. [waves tickets] Last chance, I only have two
tickets left.
Frasier: I thought there were four?
Roz: Niles just bought a pair.
Frasier: Damn him! He's probably off to intercept Regan right now.
Roz: Who?
Frasier: I'm sorry, Roz, I'm in a hurry. I'll write you a check for
these. Enjoy the table!

Frasier takes the tickets and runs out, leaving Roz cashless.

FADE TO:

Scene Two - The Charity Ball.
In a set nearly identical to the one used in "Moon Dance" with the
exact same music, everybody is milling about and dancing to light
music. Poppy enters on the arm of Niles.

Poppy: This is the best kind of party. You get to dress up, have a
wonderful time, and it's all for a good cause.
Niles: You know it really is for an impressive organization. I've
heard that within twenty-four hours of any worldwide disaster
they can put together a ball. [Poppy laughs]

Regan enters on the arm of Frasier.

Poppy: Oh, look it's your brother.
Niles: What? Oh, so it is. Why don't you find our table and I'll
get us some champagne.
Poppy: Yes.

Niles crosses to the bar where Roz is standing.

Niles: Roz, you didn't tell me Frasier was going to be here.
Roz: Yeah, he bought the last two tickets.
Niles: After he knew I'd be here with Poppy. Obviously he wants to
get a sh*t at her himself, he bought that pull-a-long as his
beard.
Roz: [shocked] Frasier's interested in Poppy?
Niles: I shouldn't be surprised the subtle signs of attraction are
lost on you. A woman for whom the gunning of a Harley engine
is like a come-hither look.

Niles crosses back to Poppy as Frasier comes over to Roz.

Frasier: Hello, Roz.
Roz: Hi.
Frasier: I see that Niles has brought himself a "date" to the
evening.
Roz: Yep, and you'll never guess what he thinks.
Frasier: Oh, I know exactly what he thinks. He's using Poppy as his
patty, steal a few minutes with Regan, try and win her for
himself.
Roz: That's not what he thinks.
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: He likes Poppy.
Frasier: Dear simple, Roz. After six years of listening at my feet.
Have you learnt nothing of the dark forces that move people?
Open your ears!

Frasier crosses back to Regan.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene Three - The Charity Ball.
Time has lapsed. Frasier is dancing with Regan as Niles is dancing
with Poppy. However Frasier and Niles are just staring at each other.

Regan: You're looking at your brother again.
Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry. It's just that he keeps staring over here.
For God's sakes, he hasn't paid any attention whatsoever.
Can you imagine how that woman must feel?
Regan: [knowingly] Yeah, women hate that.

Meanwhile, Niles and Poppy are having the same tribulations.

Niles: He's doing it again.
Poppy: What?
Niles: My brother is staring at us. Obviously thinking what a
striking couple we make. In fact, let's give him something
to stare at.

Niles and Poppy do a little move where Niles pushes Poppy away from
him on his arm and brings her back in. However, she falls on Niles's
toe and hurts him.

Poppy: I'm sorry. Same toe as before.
Niles: Yes, same toe as before. [laughs]

Meanwhile, at the other side of the dance floor:

Regan: What is going on with you two tonight?
Frasier: All right, you'd find out sooner or later anyway. See, I
know about you and Niles.
Regan: You do?
Frasier: Yes. But it's all right, I don't mind. It's just that, well,
he's really quite smitten with you.
Regan: Oh my God, really?

The music stops. Everyone claps as the couples head to the tables.

Poppy: Do you think you're going to lose the nail?
Niles: No, no, I just need to sit down.

Niles sits in agony as the tango music starts up. Where have we heard
that before?!

Poppy: Oh my God, I love the tango. You won't mind if I dance one
with your brother?
Niles: What?
Frasier: Well, actually Poppy...
Poppy: Oh come on, Niles can keep Regan company.

Poppy stands and shoves her chair in, crippling Niles's toe again.
Frasier and Poppy begin to tango.

Niles: You know, Regan, I'm getting a second wind. Shall we show
them how it's done?
Regan: Well, actually, Dr. Crane-
Niles: Oh, don't be so formal. We're not doctor and patient tonight!

Regan stands and Niles, trying to walk, clumsily tangoes with Regan.

Poppy: Your brother's quite romantic, inviting me to a ball on our
very first date. He certainly doesn't waste time, does he?
Frasier: No, he doesn't!

Regan: You do realize that I'm interested in your brother.
Niles: You mean, you're developing real feelings for him?
Regan: Yeah.
Niles: Well, you might think so now, but trust me: You're future's
not with him. I know this is confusing. [twirls her round in
a dizzy daze] You'll see everything more clearly when I've got
you on the couch.
Regan: [disgusted] Oh!

Meanwhile, Poppy and Frasier do a little move as Frasier,
unwillingly, traces down her body.

Niles: Well, I can't take anymore of this.

Niles crosses to Poppy.

Niles: I have to cut in.
Poppy: How romantic!
Niles: [to Frasier] Yes, come with me.

They go to the tables.

Niles: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Frasier: Your tango wasn't so impressive, either.
Niles: I'm talking about your behaviour tonight.
Frasier: I won't simply stand aside and let you have the woman you
want.
Niles: Exactly, obviously one of us has to back off, not just
tonight but permanently.

The girls come to them.

Regan: Frasier, can I talk to you for a moment alone?
Frasier: Well, of course, just give me one more moment with my
brother.
Poppy: Niles, when you're finished I'd love one more dance.
Niles: Ah, I'll be right there.

The girls go over.

Niles: Well, I believe she has made her choice.
Frasier: Yes, I believe she has.

They both look as if they have won. Niles goes to Poppy and Frasier
to Regan as the song "On The Street Where She Lives" from Bernard
Shaw's "My Fair Lady" is played by the orchestra.

Regan: Frasier, I think I'd like to leave if that's all right.
Frasier: Leave? Already? Well, couldn't we just have one last
dance?
Regan: Well, I guess. I'm just feeling a little uncomfortable.
Frasier: Yes, well, I certainly don't blame you. You see, now I've
spoken with him, Niles has agreed to behave himself. Now I
can put all my attention on you.
Regan: That is a relief. I mean, you can understand why I was kinda
freaked out by all that.

Frasier however is watching Niles.

Regan: Right? Frasier?
Frasier: He's a brave little soldier, isn't he? Awash in despair and
yet he dances.

Meanwhile, Niles and Poppy are dancing.

Poppy: This is when they wrote songs that were really about
something. True love, broken hearts.
Niles: [referring to Frasier but arguably in his heart referring to
the last time he was in the ball room and Daphne broke his
heart] Yes, there's nothing quite so poignant as someone with
a broken heart, pretending that it isn't.

Frasier: No wonder, he keeps staring over at us. He's suffered such a
crushing defeat tonight.
Regan: Can we go?
Frasier: Yes, of course, that's the best thing to do. You know, let
me just have one last word with him.
Regan: Oh my God!

Frasier crosses to Niles and Poppy.

Frasier: Niles, if you don't mind.
Poppy: You guys are going to wear me out.
Frasier: Can I see you at the bar, please?

Frasier and Niles go to the bar as Regan goes to Poppy.

Regan: I think I'm going to catch a cab.
Poppy: Aren't you having a good time?
Regan: Frankly, no. Are you?
Poppy: Oh, yes, I think Niles has got quite a little crush on me.
Regan: Actually, Poppy, there's something you should know about
Niles.

Meanwhile, Frasier and Niles are at the bar.

Frasier: Niles, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not happy with
the way things have ended this evening.
Niles: Well, neither am I. How could I be? And the worst thing is:
it's not just tonight. What happens when we keep running
into each other?
Frasier: Yes, the victor will have his trophy. The loser will be
empty-handed.
Niles: It hardly seems worth it, given the permanent damage this
could do to our relationship.
Frasier: Yes, I can't help but wonder if perhaps we're being a bit
short-sighted.

Frasier however doesn't need glasses to see Poppy and Regan leaving.

Frasier: Niles, is that Regan and Poppy leaving just now?
Niles: It was, wasn't it?
Frasier: I want you to go after her.
Niles: What?
Frasier: Yes, I won't stand in your way.
Niles: No, Frasier, I would feel better if you went after her.
Frasier: No, I couldn't do that to you.
Niles: I think we're both feeling the same thing.
Frasier: I know we are. You noble bastard.
Niles: Right back atcha. Oh, it's for the best.
Frasier: After all, the most important thing is our friendship.
Niles: I think that's worth drinking to. [to waiter] Two bourbons.
Frasier: You know, while we're at it, let's propose a toast to the
one pretty remarkable woman.
Niles: Well, she'd have to be to have won both of our hearts.
Frasier: Hear, hear.
Niles: Well, then...

They raise their glasses...

Frasier/Niles: To Regan!/To Poppy!

Niles’s glass freezes on its way to his lips. Frasier, less lucky,
gets half a sip in his mouth, and it stays there, as comprehension
sinks in.

Frasier: [swallows] I think we're going to need two more here.

They throw back the rest of their bourbons, then slam their glasses
down and bury their faces.

End of Act Two.

Credits:

Roz is dancing with a handsome waiter when another waiter cuts in.
Roz is flattered until the second waiter hands the first a serving
tray and orders him back to work, then leaves the floor himself.
Roz goes back to her table to sip champagne sadly.