11x15 - Caught In The Act

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE
Scene One – Café Nervosa – Morning
Frasier is seated at a table. Martin comes in, extremely full of
himself.

Martin: Large coffee to go, please. [with heavy innuendo] Black.
[sits with Frasier] Whew, didn’t get much sleep last night
at Ronee’s. Don’t ask why, ‘cause there are certain things
a gentlemen doesn’t tell.
Frasier: [hoping he’ll shut up] Ah.

Martin crosses his arms with a smug, expectant grin on his face.
Frasier refuses to take the hint. Martin lets out a naughty
chuckle.

Frasier: Dad, please?
Martin: Well, all right, I’ll tell you just a little. She’s got this
massage oil-
Frasier: Would you stop it! I do not want to hear about your dirty
weekend – especially since the most erotic experience I’ve
had in six months was last week’s trouser fitting.

Niles enters with a GAP shopping bag. He seems taken aback to see
Frasier and Martin there.

Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Martin: Hi, Niles.
Niles: Hi.
Frasier: The GAP, Niles? I didn’t know you shopped there.
Niles: I just discovered it. Apparently there are a number of them.

He sits down.

Frasier: [suspicious] And what did you get there?
Niles: Oh, uh, well, let’s see... some wine glasses, and a bud vase-
Frasier: That’s Pottery Barn, you jackass! Give me that!

Frasier snatches the shopping bag and pulls out a white cashmere sweater.

Frasier: Just as I thought. You bought the Diego sweater.
Martin: Well, what’s the big deal? It’s just a sweater.
Frasier: It is not “just a sweater,” it is a work of art by Spain’s
fabled master weaver Diego – who uses only the soft chin hairs
of Andalusian mountain goats. Our sweater man could only get
one this year. Niles and I made a pact that neither of us
would buy it. [to Niles] You can’t even keep a simple sweater
pact!
Martin: Ah, Ronee – now there’s a gal who can keep a sweater “packed!”
Frasier: Stop that! [to Niles] The least you can do is let me borrow it
sometime.
Niles: Absolutely not! You know Diego’s weave conforms precisely to
the contours of one’s body. Five minutes on you, I’d never be
able to wear it again.

Daphne enters.

[N.B. Jane Leeves is still wearing her maternity prop.]

Daphne: Hello!

The three Crane men ad-lib hellos, and Daphne turns to the counter.

Niles: [lowers voice] Not a word about this. We’re saving money for
the baby’s college fund. She’d k*ll me if she found out I
spent half a semester on a sweater.

Martin gets up as the waiter brings his coffee and Daphne comes back.

Martin: You want this? I’m leaving.
Daphne: Where have you been? You missed your massage this weekend.
Martin: [smug grin] That’s what she thinks.
Frasier: Just go!

Martin leaves, and Frasier and Niles invite Daphne to sit.

Niles: [to the waiter] Can I get a coffee? [to Daphne] No biscotti?
Daphne: No. I baked me own. I decided a dollar-fifty was way too
much to spend on a cookie. Anyone?

She takes a plastic bag of cookies out of her purse. Her words have
given Frasier a wicked idea.

Niles: [nervous] Oh, thank you, my angel of thrift.

Roz enters, looking exhausted and depressed. They ad-lib hellos.

Niles: Good morning!
Roz: Yeah, maybe yours was. I just spent the last two hours
waiting in line for this kiddie performer that Alice loves –
Nanny Gee [Niles and Frasier’s ears prick up] - and the second
I got to the window the show sold out.
Niles: Nanny Gee? Frasier might be able to pull a few strings for
you there. [Frasier chuckles]
Roz: Do you know Nanny Gee? What, did you like date her?
Frasier: Actually, I married her.
Roz: You married Nanny Gee?
Frasier: Yeah well, briefly. It was years ago. I was a callow,
dreamy-eyed youth, and she was...
Roz: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need tickets! She’s at Kid Books right
now, signing her new CD. If you come with me...
Frasier: Well, all right, all right, I’ll see what I can do.

Roz drags Frasier to the door. A waiter brings Niles’s coffee.

Niles: Thank you.
Daphne: Oh, and could you turn the heat up in here? It’s freezing.
Frasier: [as he’s leaving] Oh, Niles has a sweater.

To Niles’s horror, Daphne reaches for the shopping bag and pulls out
the Diego.

Daphne: Oh, and it’s from the Gap – good boy! Now help me stretch the
neck out, I don’t want to muss me hair.

Niles stares aghast as she gives the collar a hard tug and stretches it
wide open.

FADE OUT

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE


Scene Two – Kid Books
A long line of parents are standing with their children. Nanny Gee,
a woman in her early 40’s wearing a brightly-colored costume and beret,
is signing books and CDs at a table.

Girl: [getting her CD] Thank you, Nanny Gee!

She walks back, passing Frasier, Roz, and Alice.

Roz: So what was it like being married to Nanny Gee?
Frasier: Oh, gosh... we were so young and immature. We had huge fights
over nothing. But in the bedroom...
Roz: Frasier!
Frasier: Sorry.

But despite the setting, Roz still wants to know.

Roz: [glances around] So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice “hugs”?
Frasier: Oh, big hugs.
Roz: [chuckling] No kidding.
Frasier: We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last
time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug,
but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my
weekly handshake.

[N.B. The “Cheers” episode on which Nanny Gee appeared was entitled
“One Hugs, The Other Doesn’t.” Also, a slight discontinuity here: in
[9.02] “Don Juan In Hell[2], Nanette confessed that she made a lot of
distracting noises.]

Roz: So, are you hoping for another hug?
Frasier: Mmm? Well, the thought had crossed my mind. You know,
we used to have this wild attraction to each other – it was
almost combustible! Truth be told, it’s been a while since,
I, uh... [covers Alice’s ears] romped with abandon through
the perfumed gardens of Eros.
Roz: Next time you say something like that, cover my ears.

They reach Nanny.

Nanette: [eyes on Alice] And who’s this for?
Frasier: Frasier. F-R-A-
Nanette: [looks up] Frasier! Oh, it’s so good to see you again!
Frasier: [shakes her hand] Nanette, hi.
Nanette: [to Roz] And you, you look great! I’ve never such color in
your cheeks...
Frasier: Oh, this isn’t Lilith. This is my co-worker, Roz, and her
daughter, Alice.
Nanette: [to Alice] Hey, Alice. How old are you?
Frasier: I’m divorced now.
Alice: Five.
Nanette: Wow, five!
Frasier: Single again.
Nanette: You know what happens when you turn six? You grow an extra
finger! [Alice laughs]
Frasier: Footloose, fancy-free...!
Roz: She’s not biting. Just get the tickets.
Frasier: All right. You know, Nanette, Alice was so hoping to see your
show. But alas, all the tickets are sold.
Nanette: Well, I think I can scare up three seats – if you don’t mind
sitting in the front row.

Alice jumps for joy, making Roz do the same.

Roz: Oh, thank you, Nanny Gee!

Nanette’s assistant, Donald, comes over.

Donald: Can I have everyone’s attention? Nanny Gee has to go to the
theater now. So... no more autographs.
Kids: Ohh...
Nanette: Gosh, I’m sorry. But maybe we may have time for one more
thing. Would you like to hear a song?
Kids: Yeah!
Nanette: Does everyone know the Peek-A-Boo Song?
Kids: Yeah!
Nanette: Well, then you know what to do!

Donald goes to a piano in the corner and plays the tune.

Nanette: [covers her eyes, singing] Peek-A-Boo...
Kids: Peek-A-Boo!
Nanette: Peek-A-Boo...
Kids: Peek-A-Boo!
Nanette: Someone’s there, but oh my gosh, I don’t know who!
Is it you?
Kids: Peek-A-Boo!
Nanette: Give a clue!
Kids: Peek-A-Boo!
Nanette: Guess I’d better go and sneak a Peek-a-Boo! [uncovers her
eyes]
Kids: Peek-A-Boo!

Everyone laughs and applauds.

Nanette: That was great! And now it’s your turn to sing back to me,
so I want everyone to cover their eyes!

All the kids do so.

Nanette: Ah-ah! I said everyone!

Frasier, chuckling, covers his eyes, as do Roz and all the adults.
Donald plays the tune again. The kids start to sing...

Kids: Peek-A-Boo...
Nanette: Peek-A-Boo!
Kids: Peek-A-Boo...
Nanette: Peek-A-Boo!

With that she turns and gooses Frasier. As he uncovers his eyes in
shock, she grabs him and kisses him lustily.

Kids: Someone’s there, but oh my gosh, I don’t know who!
Is it you?
Nanette: [past his lips] Peek-A-Boo!
Kids: Give a clue!
Nanette: Peek-A-Boo!

They break apart, and lest he confuse the meaning of everything she’s
already done, she does a seductive grind while tugging at her breasts.

Kids: Guess I’d better go and sneak a Peek-a-Boo!
Nanette: Peek-A-Boo!

They uncover their eyes and everyone applauds, Frasier most
enthusiastically of all.

Frasier: One more time!

FADE TO:

Scene Three – Apartment
Niles is waiting. Martin is in his chair. Frasier comes in with a
cake box.

Frasier: Oh hi, you guys. I’m glad you’re both here. Guess who’s
coming by for a drink – Nanette Gooseman.
Niles: Nanny Gee!
Martin: I don’t suppose she’s bringing her checkbook.
Frasier: Oh, dear God, Dad, will you let it go?
Martin: I was still paying for that wedding six months after you two
divorced! Nannette didn’t have any family, so she got off
scot-free.
Niles: Oh yeah, orphans get all the breaks.

[N.B. A second discontinuity here – according to [9.02] “Father of
the Bride,” Frasier’s first wedding was a quick affair dashed off
at city hall, presumably by a justice of the peace.]

Niles: Hey, Frasier, Dad and Ronee are joining us for dinner,
why don’t you two come along?
Frasier: Well, actually, Niles, I’m planning a bit of an intimate
evening myself.
Niles: Really?
Frasier: She wants me!
Martin: Are you sure? You said that last week about the cable lady,
and she just had something in her eye.
Frasier: She hit on me in the children’s bookstore – where I bought her
CD. Trust me, the woman is a sexual volcano just waiting to
erupt!
Niles: [examining the CD] Judging from some of these song titles, you
may be right. “Nanny’s Messy Bed,” “I Feel Something Great
Inside Me,” “Bannisters are Fun”...

Daphne enters with Eddie.

Daphne: Hey. [they ad-lib hellos]
Niles: My sweater – weren’t you wearing it when you went out?
Daphne: Yeah, but Eddie was pulling me along so fast, I started sweating
like a blacksmith. I could smell the lamb curry I had for lunch
just wafting out my pores. But don’t worry, it’s right here.

She opens her purse, where the sweater is bunched into a ball.
She notices something.

Daphne: Oh, great! [extracts a cookie] That was me last butterscotch,
now it’s all fuzzy!

Niles is about to cry. The doorbell rings.

Frasier: That’ll be Nanette!

He dashes over and opens the door to Nanette, wearing an evening dress.
She grabs him again.

Frasier: Nanette!
Nanette: God, I could throw you down on this floor right now and...
[sees the rest] Hi!
Frasier: Here, let me take your wrap.
Daphne: [aside to Martin] Isn’t she the children’s entertainer?
Martin: Yeah, SpongeBob Hotpants.

Frasier hangs up Nanette’s wrap.

Frasier: Nanette, you remember my dad, of course, and Niles, and this
is his wife, Daphne.

Nanette hugs Martin, then shakes hands with Daphne.

Daphne: Hello, it’s nice to meet you.
Nanette: Oh, it’s nice to meet you too. [hugs Niles] And oh, I don’t
think I’ve seen you since the wedding!
Martin: Oh, I remember that day. All those nice friends of yours
came. What was it - sixty, seventy?
Frasier: Yes, okay, Dad.
Martin: I know, because, only fifty RSVP’d.
Frasier: It’s all right. You know, sadly, this bunch is going out this
evening, so it’ll be just the two of us.

Donald knocks and sticks his head in.

Donald: Hey!
Nanette: And Donald.
Frasier: Donald?
Donald: Hey, put her there – Don Burwell.
Frasier: [shaking hands] Frasier Crane, uh...
Nanette: Donald, here, does - well, just about everything for me.
He’s my manager, producer, songwriter, publicist-
Donald: Husband.
Nanette: I was getting there. And when I told him where I was going,
well he just had to come along to meet you.
Frasier: Well, uh... gosh, who wants wine? I know I do!
Nanette: I’ll help! [follows him] Donald, introduce yourself!

Reset to: Kitchen
Frasier storms in, followed by Nannette.

Frasier: And just when were you planning on telling me you have a
husband?
Nanette: He produces my show, it’s a marriage of convenience.
Frasier: Well, at the moment it’s not!
Nanette: Come on, give Nanny some sugar!

She grabs him again.

Frasier: Stop-stop it, stop it! Donald will see us.
Nanette: Well, say that you’re short on something and send him to the
store. He’s good at errands!
Frasier: I’m not going to send him on an errand. He’s your husband!
Nanette: It’s just business. It’s nothing compared to what we had.
[fondling his chest] Do you remember the passion... and the
wildness?
Frasier: [weakens] Well, we are running low on cornichons...

Reset to: Living Room
Donald is standing with his back to the kitchen, telling the rest about
their recent tour. Over his shoulder, all Martin, Niles and Daphne see
is Frasier and Nanette in a clinch against the refrigerator.

Donald: Not only did we break house records in Boise and Topeka, but
she hasn’t missed a show. She just, she lives to entertain
children.
Niles: Of all ages. Don, come out and look at the balcony.

Niles hurriedly steers Donald onto the balcony.

Reset to: Kitchen
Frasier pushes her away.

Frasier: Dear God! Have we lost our minds?
Nanette: Frasier, if you knew how bored I am, being “Nanny Gee.” [pours
herself a big glass of wine] How trapped I feel...
Frasier: You have a wonderful career.
Nanette: But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it’s like
to play the same character for twenty years?

[N.B. An inside joke here – 2004 is Kelsey Grammer’s twentieth year in
the role of Frasier Crane. This line got the biggest laugh from the
studio audience, who had been told this in advance.]

Frasier: But... you’ve brought joy to countless small children.
Nanette: Yeah, well, there are times you want to bring joy to somebody
big enough to throw a little back at you.

She grabs him again, he pushes her away and carries out the tray of
wine glasses.

Reset to: Living Room

Frasier: Who wants wine?
Daphne: [sotto voce] Oh, that’ll cool her right down.
Niles: Uh, none for us, we really have to go.
Martin: [getting up as Donald reenters] Yeah. Uh, nice to meet you,
Donald. And, uh, Fras, see you in a few hours.
Donald: [cheerfully] So, looks like a threesome tonight.
Martin: Maybe I’ll just stay at Ronee’s.

Martin, Daphne, and Niles exit. Frasier and Nanette stand uneasily
with glasses of wine.

Frasier: Yes, well, uh... here we all are.

Donald’s cell phone rings – it is set to the tune of “The Peek-A-Boo
Song.” Nanette looks like she wants to scream. Frasier sits on
the couch and takes a big sip of his wine.

Donald: Hello? Ar-are you sure? [to the others] Mr. Bunny’s using
again. [into phone] Do you have anyone to replace him?
Nanette: Donald, we are guests here! Take that outside.

Donald does.

Nanette: Honestly, the man has no manners.

She jumps on Frasier.

Frasier: [forces her away] Cut that out!
Nanette: Oh, I can’t help myself. I’ve never stopped thinking about you.
Frasier: Nor I you, but this is wrong.
Nanette: Oh Frasier, you’re so good. You always do the right thing.
I have the exact same problem.
Frasier: Well, you’re making great strides overcoming it.
Nanette: [checks the balcony] Well, I’m tired of being good. [sits up]
I’ve sung my songs and cheered people up. [lifts her glass]
Haven’t I earned the right to be a little bad? Isn’t there a
part of you that wants to be bad?
Frasier: Yes, and three guesses which one. I-I... I can’t do it.
Nanette: Come to my dressing room after the show tomorrow. I have an
hour when Donald’s busy. I know an hour’s not much...
Frasier: [overcome] Trust me, an hour’s more than ample.

She shushes him as Donald comes back in.

Donald: Well, I just hope he shows up tomorrow. That bunny suit is
just so darn tight on me.

Frasier gets up and crosses to the dining table, where he takes a tray
of pastries out of the cake box.

Frasier: Donald, you know, you really must try one of these Gruyere
tarts.
Donald: Oh, no thanks. I’m watching the old cholesterol.
Nanette: So am I – but you know what? I just feel like being bad
tonight. [takes one] What about you, Frasier? Are you going
to be bad?

Frasier hesitates. Donald takes the dish and holds it up.

Donald: Ah, go on – what’s one little tart?

Frasier and Nanette eat their tarts, exchanging a complicitous smile.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene Four – Café Nervosa.
Niles is at the window seat. Frasier rushes in.

Frasier: Niles-
Niles: Well, it shows its face. What was that last night?
Frasier: Relax, relax, nothing happened. My problem now is that she’s
invited me to her dressing room for an... après-show tryst.
Niles: You’re not going?
Frasier: Well...
Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she’s in. The woman
is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage,
from-from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her
make a new beginning, wouldn’t it be heartless of me to deny
myself to her?
Niles: ...Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud
I couldn’t hear.
Frasier: All right! I want her and she wants me!
Niles: She’s-married.
Frasier: Well, I married her first! “Till death us do part,” as I
recall! Now you may not take those vows seriously, but I do.
Niles: Will you listen to yourself?
Frasier: Oh, this is more than just sex, Niles! This is passion,
kismet! A gift the gods bestow on only a chosen few.
Wouldn’t the real sin be to refuse it?
Niles: Isn’t that your old second-piece-of-pie argument?
Frasier: Well, maybe it is, but I haven’t had “pie” in six months!
Niles: Frasier, you can rationalize this any way you want. But the
question is, if you do this, can you live with yourself
afterwards?

As Frasier considers that, Alice runs in, followed by Roz.

Roz: Ready for the concert?
Niles: [rising] Hey, Alice.
Alice: Hi, Uncle Niles!

She gives him a big hug, making him laugh. Seeing Frasier, she grabs
Roz and drags her out again.

Alice: Come on, Mommy, let’s go!
Roz: Oh, oh, oh – no hugs for Frasier?

As Roz is dragged out, Frasier slowly rises.

Frasier: [sadly] No... no hugs for Frasier.

FADE TO:

BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG PROBLEM


Scene Five – Theater Backstage
Frasier knocks on a dressing room door. The star says, “Nanny G.”
Nanette opens the door, dressed in her costume.

Nanette: Frasier, I thought you were coming after the show.
Frasier: No, I can’t.
Nanette: Well, we have ten minutes, let me just get rid of- [yells into
the room] Donald!
Donald: [o.s.] Huh?
Frasier: No, no. I can’t do this at all.
Nanette: What?
Donald: [o.s.] Huh?
Nanette: [into room] Nothing, just sit there!

She steps into the hall and closes the door behind her.

Frasier: God knows I’m tempted, but this is wrong. I-I’m sorry you’ve
been so unhappy in your life lately, but... if you want to
talk, we can meet later, at the coffee shop next door.
Nanette: Well, why can’t we talk now?
Frasier: Don’t you have a show to do?
Nanette: They can’t start me. Here, come with me.

Scene Six – Prop Room
Nanette leads Frasier down some stairs to a room full of sets and props.
In the center is a king-sized bed draped with bright, playful covers.

Frasier: What is this place?
Nanette: It’s the prop room. This is where I come before every show to
fight off the emptiness and the nausea that comes over me.

She sinks onto a chair and cuddles a teddy bear.

Nanette: You don’t know how many times I’ve sat down here, curled up in
a ball, vomiting like a wino. [chokes back a sob] Hold me,
Frasier.
Frasier: [tempted again, but] I can’t. You’re married. And these
shoes are suede. Look, I-I realize that you’re at a
crossroads right now, and if I can help you reach a
decision...
Nanette: [gets up] I can’t go on.
Frasier: Then don’t. Make a break, redefine yourself-
Nanette: No, I mean now. This show, I can’t go on.
Frasier: What? Cancel?
Nanette: I can’t go out there and sing and dance and pretend to be a
happy lady when the love of my life has just rejected me.

Weeping, she lays face-down on the bed – making sure to push her behind
up into the air.

Frasier: [weakening] Oh, Nanette, I... I realize that you’re upset,
but-but think of little Alice, and-and the children.
Nanette: [lays on her back] Oh, let them learn now that life is filled
with bitter disappointments.
Frasier: But, Nanette...

Nanette rips open the front of her costume, exposing her negligée.

Nanette: Oh, make me a happy lady, Frasier. And then I can go on.
Frasier: For the children!

He jumps on her. They embrace passionately for a moment, then Frasier
breaks away and quickly undresses.

Nanette: [helping him] I’ll get the belt...

CUT TO: Theater
Alice and Roz are sitting eagerly in the front row. Roz looks down the
aisle for Frasier, then checks her watch.

CUT TO: Prop Room
Frasier is down to his boxers, as Nanette lays back on the bed.

Nanette: Take me, Frasier!
Frasier: Yes! Yes!

He jumps on her, and she pulls the bedspread over them.

Nanette: Oh! Oh God! How I’ve dreamed of this moment! Have you?
Frasier: Are you kidding? [reaches down, pulls off his boxers, and
flings them away] I dreamed of it twice last night!

They start necking passionately... then the ceiling opens above them
and the bed starts to rise on a hydraulic lift.

Nanette: Oh my God!
Frasier: Already?
Nanette: [pushes him off her] Oh, no! I thought we had more time!
Quick, get off the bed!

P.O.V. Looking down through the opening as the bed rises toward the
light, as Frasier and Nanette scramble:

Frasier: Oh, dear God! Why is the ceiling opening up?!
Nanette: This is how I make my entrance! [re-buttoning her costume] GET
OFF THE BED!
Frasier: I can’t, I can’t! I’m tangled in the sheets!
Nanette: Oh, my God! Jump!
Frasier: Jump? It’s too high!
Nanette: Aim for your clothes!
Frasier: [realizing] Dear God, my clothes!
Nanette: Oh, hide! For God’s sake, just hide!

They both duck under the covers.

[N.B. All of the following scenes were sh*t earlier at the Bogart Theater
in Los Angeles. The audience was shown the scenes on the monitors, to
record the laugh track. In fact, the audience laughed so loud the volume
had to be decreased for the broadcast just so the action could be heard.]

As the bed rises into a playful bedroom set, the orchestra strikes up,
and the audience cheers, waving "NANNY G" pennants.

Under the covers:

Nanette: You have got to get out of this bed!
Frasier: Can’t I just hide here until the show’s over?
Nanette: Trust me, that ain’t gonna work.

Finished re-buttoning her costume, she sits up, with a big smile
on her face. The audience applauds, and as the orchestra starts
the first number, she stretches her arms over her head and yawns.
A rooster crows.

Nanette: [singing] When it’s time to rise, I yawn and rub my eyes,
because I’m such a sleepyhead
But rise I do, ‘Cause I’m dying to see what’s new
In Nanny’s messy bed

Frasier risks lifting the covers enough to see out, and quickly ducks down
again when he sees the whole audience in plain view.

Nanette: There might be treats, Last week I found a pizza
And a chimpanzee named Fred
[gets out and starts dancing]
So kids, what say, we see what we find today
in Nanny’s messy bed?

Four actors wearing animal costumes enter from behind the bed and jump on it –
and Frasier – before jumping down to the stage to dance.

Nanette: There’s always something new
It’s Mr. Kangaroo!
Bunnies: Some bunny rabbits, too!
Panda: And a Panda!

Instrumental. As Nanette and the animals dance around the bed,
Frasier peeks out and whispers to the nearest one.

Frasier: Psst! Panda!
Panda: [keeps dancing] Who the hell are you?
Frasier: Dr. Frasier Crane, a noted psychiatrist. When does the bed
go back to the basement?
Panda: A new set comes on, the bed flies out to the rafters – fast.

Nanette stands on the bed and lifts the cover over herself – seeing Frasier
but keeping him covered from the audience.

All: What a mess!
What a mess!
What a messy, messy, messy, messy bad!
What a mess!
Nonetheless...
Nanette: With all the time I spend in it, it’s nice to have a friend in
it!

She peeks under the cover.

Frasier: You have got to get me out of here. The thing’s about to fly
up to the rafters!
Nanette: Gee, I didn’t know that, having only done this show 12,000
times!

As the others continue singing, she ducks under the covers and pulls
something out of the front of her costume.

Nanette: Put this on.
Frasier: You can’t be serious!
Nanette: Just put it on now!

She comes back up as the others finish singing.

Actors: Messy bed...

They finish. The audience applauds.

Nanette: Oh, hi boys and girls!
Audience: [including Roz and Alice] Hi, Nanny Gee!
Nanette: Well, I guess I guess I’d better make my bed!
Kangaroo: You don’t have to, Nanny Gee! I have a magic wand that can
make it fly away until it’s nighttime again! [waves the wand]
Al-a-ka-
Nanette: WAIT! I think there’s something in there that I haven’t found
yet! [looks and gasps] It’s the best surprise ever – it’s a
new baby brother!

She flips the sheet up, revealing Frasier wearing nothing but an oversized
comedy diaper and baby bonnet.

The audience roars with laughter. Alice puts a hand to her mouth, giggling.
Roz just stares.

Nanette: Oh, what’s the matter, little guy? You look kind of sad.
Are you going to cry? [urges him with her eyes]
Frasier: Waaaa!
Nanette: Oh, sounds like somebody could use some cheering up.
Let’s sing him the “Hoppity-Hop” song.
Kangaroo: [under his breath] We cut “Hoppity-Hop” in Detroit.
Nanette: [through her teeth] Well, put it back in!

The orchestra master changes his sheet music, and begins. The animals
form up.

Nanette: [singing] When I’m blue, just like you
When it’s not my day
I hop, hop, hoppity-hop
Hop my troubles away
[to Frasier] Come on!

Nanette and the animals dance around the bed. Frasier has no choice
but to get off the bed and do the same.

All: When a bee stings my knee
When I lose a toy
I hop, hop, hoppity-hop
and soon I’m jumping for joy!

Frasier struggles madly to ape their choreography and lip-sync
the words, darting glances at Nanette and the others. Roz looks
incredulous.

All: We were feeling sad
Now we’re feeling snappy
We were hopping mad
Now we’re hopping happy!

So when you think people stink
Let your knees just bend
And hop, hop, hoppity-hop
and watch your grumpiness end!

As they reach stage left, Frasier tries to slip offstage, but runs
headlong into Donald, who is staring at him, enraged. Frasier can
only continue back across the stage, dancing in a line with Nanette
and the animals.

All: Hop, hop, hoppity-hop
and soon you’ll make a new friend...

Roz puts a hand over her eyes.

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

The actors are sitting around a table in the prop room, smoking and
playing cards. Donald comes down the stairs, and asks where to find
Frasier. They say they don’t know. Irritated by the smoke, Donald
quickly leaves. Frasier emerges from behind a prop chest, dressed.
He thanks the g*ng, and they send him on his way.