11x22 - Crock Tales

[bunniefuu]

Skyline: Fireworks explode.

ACT ONE

CROCK TALES


Scene One – Frasier’s Apartment – Kitchen – PRESENT DAY
Frasier is cooking a full-course dinner on the stove, stirring
something with one hand and talking on his cordless phone with
the other.

Frasier: Yeah, I had a great time today too, Charlotte. Oh nothing,
really. I’m having the folks over for dinner. Just the
family, and Roz. Well, I’ve done it a thousand times before.
Okay, I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow. Bye.

He hangs up the phone and reaches for a small, reddish earthenware
vessel on the counter, which is holding his kitchen spoons and a
spatula. He picks it up by its rim, which breaks off in his hand.
He sighs and gathers up the spoons and the pieces.

Frasier: For God’s sake... this thing breaks like crockwork. [laughs to
himself] Crockwork, I’ll tell you... ah Frasier, once again
you’ve suffered the tragedy of being clever, and alone.

He prepares to toss the pieces into the garbage, then stops, looking
thoughtful. The camera zooms in on the crock in his hand...

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene Two - Living Room
And fades in on the crock on the dinner table, as Martin is patching it
up with glue.

SUPRA: "2003"

Frasier comes out of the kitchen with wine glasses. He begins to set
the table.

Frasier: Oh for God’s sake, Dad, would you please throw that thing
away?
Martin: Why, what for? When I get through gluing it, it’ll be as good
as new.

The doorbell rings.

Frasier: It wasn’t any good when it was new! It’s just an ugly,
worthless pot.

Martin goes to the kitchen. Frasier answers the door to Daphne.

Daphne: Hello!
Frasier: Oh, hi! [kisses her cheek and hugs her] How was the honeymoon?
Daphne: Oh, Tahiti was absolute paradise – except for poor Niles
getting sunburned.

Niles staggers in. His face is beet red, and - judging by his ginger
movements - so is the rest of him.

Frasier: Oh dear, Niles. You look like you’ve crawled out of a bisque.
Niles: And you look like someone who doesn’t want his Paul Gauguin
souvenir oven mitt.

He takes it out of his shopping bag, and Frasier accepts it gratefully.

Frasier: Niles, you remembered.

Martin comes out with a beer.

Martin: Hey guys, welcome back!
Daphne: Oh hello, Martin.
Niles: Hey.

Daphne notices that Frasier is wearing a blazer.

Daphne: You’re a bit dressed up for a family dinner.
Frasier: Oh well, Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to
meet.
Niles: Ooh, a lady friend?
Frasier: No, we’re going to form a jazz trio, Niles. Of course it’s a
lady friend, you cherry-faced fool.
Martin: So you want us to clear out?
Frasier: No, no, no, you don’t have to do that. If I don’t like her,
Roz will just take her away. We’ve agreed upon a safety
word: enchanté. If circumstances should dictate, all I have
to do is say it, and Roz will know that I’m not interested.

The doorbell rings.

Frasier: Niles, would you mind getting that? That’s probably Roz.
Uh, I’m just going to get rid of Dad’s arts and crafts project
here, all right?

Frasier gathers the crock and Martin's supplies and goes back to
the kitchen. Niles opens the door to Roz and her friend, Lisbeth.

Niles: Hi, Roz.
Roz: Oh hi - hey, you guys are back! Hey, Martin.
Martin: Roz.
Roz: This is my friend Lisbeth.
Lisbeth: Hiya.

She shakes Niles’ hand, then draws back as he winces in pain. He waves
it off and ushers the two women in. They sit on the couch.

[N.B. During the creation of the show eleven years ago, the writers originally
conceived of Martin's home health care worker being a sassy Hispanic, with
Rosie Perez in mind for the role; Jane Leeves was cast only after they changed
their minds and made the character an Englishwoman. Perez's appearance here
is perhaps a nod to that forgotten idea.]

[N.B.B. Perez also voiced the guest caller Francesca in [2.12], "Roz in
the Doghouse."]

Niles: Yes, come in, this is Daphne and Martin, and, yes... can I get
you a glass of wine?
Roz: Oh, please! [to her] Frasier has the greatest wine.
Lisbeth: Oh, sounds good to me. Life’s too short to drink bad wine,
right?
Niles: [pleased] Amen to that!
Lisbeth: Just a half a glass, with club soda. [to Roz] You know how I
love my spritzer.

Niles turns toward the kitchen. If he could say “enchanté” for Frasier,
he would.

Niles: Frasier?

Frasier comes out.

Frasier: What...? [feigning surprise] Oh, hi! Roz, what a pleasant
surprise.

The two women stand.

Roz: This is Lisbeth. We were just shopping in the neighborhood,
and thought we’d stop by.
Frasier: Well, how lovely. [shakes her hand] It’s a pleasure to meet
you, Elizabeth.
Lisbeth: It’s not Elizabeth, it’s “Lisbeth.”
Frasier: Ah, like Lisbon!
Lisbeth: Like a what?
Frasier: Enchanté. [glances at Roz]
Lisbeth: Right, and meeting you was just... super.

She also glances at Roz, who looks guilty as Frasier glares at her.
They still haven’t dropped their hands.

Frasier: Yes, the feeling is mutual. [at Roz] Enchanté, enchanté,
enchanté.
Lisbeth: Oh, and for me it’s just been super. [at Roz] Super, super!
Roz: I took a sh*t.
Frasier: Yes.
Lisbeth: Yeah.
Frasier: Well, I guess we can stop shaking hands now.
Lisbeth: Oh well, I’m ready whenever you are.
Frasier: Well, then just let go.
Lisbeth: I did, you’re holding on to me.
Frasier: What...? Oh, dear. Dad, what kind of glue were you using on
that pot?
Martin: [sighs] Super.
Lisbeth: How could you be so stupid as to glue us together?! [to Roz]
I thought you said he was smart!
Niles: Don’t panic, I-I seem to recall that-that Superglue can be
dissolved with acetone – you know, nail polish remover.
Daphne: He’s the smart one. How did you know that?
Niles: I knew that from, uh... from school.
Frasier: School lunches! The Kriezel brothers used to glue a cafeteria
tray to his tie.

[N.B. He would also know from [2.21], “An Affair to Forget,”
when Daphne unstuck a piece of a model ship from his hand.]

Daphne: Well, I suppose we’d better get some. Let’s go to the drug
store.

She picks up her purse and Niles follows her out.

Lisbeth: Drug store? Oh, I gotta go.
Frasier: No, no, they’ll be back in ten minutes.
Lisbeth: No, no, no, I gotta go. I started the new juice diet, and
I got sixty-four ounces of cran-raspberry looking for a new
home.
Frasier: Oh, for God’s sake. All right, I’ll tell you what, uh, just,
uh, here, just come right in here, there you are...

Martin and Roz watch, fascinated but disturbed, as Frasier opens the
powder room door and maneuvers Lisbeth inside, keeping his back turned
to her.

Frasier: All right, just a moment, uh...

He closes the door with his face wedged between it and the jam, with
his arm behind him and keeping his gaze fixed on the living room.

Frasier: Are you there?
Lisbeth: [from inside] Almost.

Frasier slides his face down the doorjamb, hunching over to let Lisbeth
move.

Lisbeth: That’s close enough. Could you maybe put on some music?
Frasier: Dad, could you put on some music, please?
Martin: Yeah, sure. Uh, what do want, pop, big band-?
Frasier: Oh, for God’s sake, just turn the damn thing on!

Martin does.

FADE OUT

[N.B. This scene would have taken place sometime after Niles and Daphne’s
marriage at the beginning of Season Ten, with [10.01], “The Ring Cycle.”
However, that would have been in 2002, so apparently they didn't take
their honeymoon until much later.]

Scene Three - Living Room
It is evening. Frasier opens the door to Roz.

SUPRA: "2002"

[N.B. Roz’s attire, a leather skirt and high boots, suggests her “post-
Alice” phase, when her social life had slowed down considerably but she
wasn’t ready to acknowledge it.]

Roz: Sorry I’m late. The Cinco de Mayo traffic was muy malo.
Frasier: Oh yes, that’s right, they closed some streets for the
fireworks display. Well, happy birthday, Roz.

Daphne and Martin are also there.

Daphne: Yeah, happy birthday.
Roz: Whatever. [sinks onto the couch] Used to be I’d go out and get
a little wild on my birthday. Now I go out and get a little
dinner.
Frasier: There’s nothing wrong with dinner.
Roz: I know, but it used to come with sex.

Daphne comes over and pulls Roz to her feet.

Daphne: Oh, come on, Roz, sounds like you need a drink.
Roz: [wistful] Oh, that used to come with sex, too.

Daphne takes her to the kitchen.

Martin: Sounds like we got another passenger on the S.S. Ain’t Getting
Any.

The doorbell rings again, and Frasier opens it to Niles.

Niles: Hello!
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Wonderful day, marvelous day, you two look grand, where’s
Daphne?
Martin: Who shoved a bluebird into you?
Frasier: You know the S.S. Ain’t Getting Any? Man overboard.
Martin: [shocked] You and Daphne?
Niles: Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.
Martin: [uneasy] Did you say “carnal” or “caramel”?

Niles looks embarrassed. Martin gets up.

Martin: I’d better go wrap Roz’s birthday gift. [exits]
Niles: Oh! I forgot about Roz’s birthday. You don’t have anything
I could give her, do you?

Frasier stoops and rummages through his bookshelf.

Frasier: Well, let’s look, maybe one of these books... [straightens up]
For God’s sake, Niles! I mean, how could you forget her
birthday? It’s the whole reason we’re having dinner.
Niles: Well, forgive me, I’ve been a little distracted lately.
Especially last night! And again this morning. [then]
Oh, dear God, if Daphne knew I was speaking so indiscreetly,
she’d be mortified.

SMASH CUT TO: Kitchen
Daphne is regaling a bewildered Roz with her own boudoir stories.
Both women have wine.

Daphne: ...and just when I thought I’d worn him out, he flips me over
like a griddle cake, and off we go again!
Roz: Niles?
Daphne: I couldn’t catch me breath, it was like a marathon! I tell
you, he’s spoilt me for any other man.
Roz: Frasier’s brother Niles?
Daphne: And guess how he woke me up this morning? [giggles]
Roz: Oh, shut up already!

Reset to: Living Room
The ladies come out of the kitchen as Martin enters with a gift box.
Niles has something in a gift bag now.

Frasier: Okay, birthday girl, come on over here and open some gifts.

Niles and Daphne catch sight of each other.

Niles: Hello.
Daphne: Hello yourself.

They grin.

Frasier: All right, you two, let’s pay attention. This is Roz’s
birthday. This gift is from Niles.
Niles: Happy birthday, Roz.

As Roz opens the bag and unwraps what’s inside, Niles and Daphne
keep grinning at each other. Roz reveals – the crock.

Roz: It’s a crock. With a chipped lid. [lifts the lid and looks
inside] And a dead bee. Thank you, Niles.
Niles: [his mind completely elsewhere] Glad you like it.
Daphne: [her mind in the same place] Oh, you know, I-I think I left
your present in my room. Niles, will you help me with it?
Niles: Oh, of course.

They almost run to the hallway.

Niles: We’ll be back very quickie.
Daphne: Quickly!
Niles: Quickly.

They exit.

Martin: You don’t think they’re gonna...?
Frasier: Oh, I have no idea. Try not to think about it.

They stand around uncomfortably. Then behind them, the skyline
lights up as fireworks explode all over.

Roz: Wow, he really is good.

[N.B. 2002 means the second half of Season Nine and the first half of
Season Ten – although the goofy smile that Niles wears for most of this
scene is much like the one he wore after he and Daphne first slept
together in [8.19], “Daphne Returns.”]

[N.B.B. This gag is also an obvious tribute to Hitchcock’s “To Catch A
Thief,” in which the male and female leads fall onto a couch, kissing,
and the camera shifts up to show fireworks going off.]

FADE TO:

Scene Four – Living Room
It is mid-morning. Martin is watching a baseball game on TV.

SUPRA: "1999"

Frasier comes out dressed as Uncle Sam: bright red-white-and-blue
pantaloons, jacket and top hat, and a silvery wig and goatee - even
his eyebrows are silver and bushy. He picks up a pair of remote
headphones off the credenza.

Frasier: Dad, I bought you these headphones, so that I wouldn’t be
subjected to your sports drivel. Please put them on.
Martin: All right, I will. But only if you say it.

Frasier sighs and points his finger like the old World w*r II
recruiting poster.

Frasier: I WANT YOU – to wear those headphones!

Martin laughs. Frasier goes into the kitchen.

Martin: I don’t know why you care, you’re just going to be out riding
on that stupid parade float.
Frasier: [o.s., from the kitchen] The KACL Fourth of July float is
not stupid! [comes out] Unless you think it is stupid to
commemorate a hardy band of revolutionaries, their minds
ablaze with...
Martin: [puts on the headphones] Hey, you’re right, this does cut out
all the drivel!

Daphne comes out, wearing a comically mismatched outfit: patchwork
pants, a white striped shirt, and a powder-blue suit jacket.

Frasier: Oh hey, Daph. My God, you look hideous.
Daphne: Thank you. Now I wouldn’t normally wear polyester on the
hottest day of the year, but some English friends of mine
are having an Ugly American party in honor of the Fourth.

The doorbell rings. As Frasier goes to answer it, Daphne drops into
the drag-queen American accent that she used in [4.19], “Three Dates
and a Breakup[1].”

Daphne: We’re gonna toss back a couple a’ cold brewskis, watch the
ball game, and not use the metric system.
Frasier: [laughing] That’s very funny.

He opens the door to Niles.

Frasier: Oh hello, Niles.
Niles: Hello, Uncle Sam. Didn’t you just hand me a flyer for a
mattress sale?
Frasier: Uh, listen, Roz is running a little late, so we’re just gonna
meet her downstairs, all right? Dad!

Martin doesn’t hear, so Daphne taps him on the shoulder.

Frasier: [waving goodbye] We’re off! See you later!
Martin: [takes off the headphones] Oh, okay, good luck! Boy,
these are great. Now I can watch TV without bugging
anybody.

He rises and goes to the kitchen, putting the headphones back on.

Martin: [suddenly singing, loudly]
My bacon, is Farmer Frank’s bacon!
There’s no mistakin’, the quality...

Frasier and Niles shrug, then Frasier’s glance drifts to the red-white-and-
blue drapes on his balcony.

Frasier: Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It’s supposed to drape
evenly – oh, for God’s sakes.
Daphne: [groans] You’re not going to send me back to the Space Needle
with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, are you?
Frasier: No, there’s no time for that. We can fix it on the fly.
It’ll just take a second.

Reset to: Balcony
He leads Niles and Daphne out to the balcony.

Frasier: Here, Niles, grab that end.

Daphne closes the door behind them – and the handle comes off in her
hand.

Daphne: Excuse me? This shouldn’t come off like this, should it?
Frasier: Oh, dear. Um... here. [tries the other door; it’s also
locked] Oh, lord.

Reset to: Living Room
Martin comes back into the living room with a bowl of chips. He
doesn’t hear or see Frasier, Niles, and Daphne waving frantically
and yelling “Dad!” “Mr. Crane!” etc. He puts them down on the side
table and goes back into the kitchen.

Reset to: Balcony

Niles: He can’t hear us. We’re stuck out here, what are we gonna do?
Frasier: All right, let’s not panic. You know what, maybe some of our
neighbors are out on their balconies, we’ll just call out to
them.

They start yelling to the balconies above and below them.

Reset to: Living Room
Roz comes in the front door wearing a red-and-white polka-dotted
Betsy Ross costume.

Roz: Hello? Hello?

She looks out and sees the three of them on the balcony, waving and
yelling excitedly. She also hears the roar of jet engines outside.

Roz: The Blue Angels!

Reset to: Balcony
She runs out onto the balcony. The scream of a passing jet drowns out
the sound of the door being opened, and fades just in time to let them
hear it close again.

Roz: Wow!

As Roz looks eagerly skyward, the other three look at her, then at the
door, then at her again.

Roz: What?
Niles: Locked-Out!

Reset to: Living Room
Martin comes back in with the crock, which he sets next to the chips.
Now all four of them are yelling and waving, with Roz adding “Martin!”
to “Dad!” and “Mr. Crane!” Again, he doesn’t notice and sits in his
chair to watch the game.

Frasier: Roz, how long does a baseball match last?
Roz: Well, usually three hours, but...
Frasier: Oh, dear.

Niles groans and sits in one of the deck chairs as the other three
stand in front of him at the balcony.

Roz: This sucks, I don’t even have my cell phone. Don’t you have
your cell phone, Frasier?
Frasier: Roz, I’m Uncle Sam, I don’t have a cell phone. I shouldn’t
even have this zipper.
Daphne: It’s going to be a hundred degrees out here, I’m roasting in
these things!

Niles, who has been searching his pockets, finds his cell phone.
He excitedly steps forward, holding it up-

Daphne: That’s it, these clothes are coming off.

-and quickly buries it in his jacket as Daphne sheds her jacket, drops
her belt, and starts to unbutton her shirt.

[N.B. 1999 means the second half of Season Six, and the first half
of Season Seven. Daphne’s pageboy haircut indicates that this is
Season Six – although it should be noted that when they are yelling
at Frasier’s neighbors, she yells “Mr. Winston, are you home?” Cam
Winston was not referred to until Season Seven, but might well have
moved into Frasier’s building long before.]

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene Five – Living Room
Evening. Frasier and Niles are on the couch, and Frasier pours Niles
a glass of wine. Niles is very depressed, and more than a little drunk.

SUPRA: "1998"

The phone rings, and Niles starts to get up.

Frasier: That’s all right, Niles, allow me. [calls] Daphne!

Daphne comes out of the kitchen.

Daphne: Coming! [answers the phone] Hello, Crane residence. Oh hello,
Mum, Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah, it’s the holiday where everyone
eats turkey. No, we’re having goose.
Frasier: Daphne, when you’re finished with that, could you please bring
us some snacks to soak up this wine?
Niles: Yes, and a little more wine. Who knew my sorrows would be
such strong swimmers?

Daphne carries the phone to the kitchen.

Daphne: I can’t talk right now, Mum. Dr. Crane has guests. Yeah,
he’s still out of work.

Reset to: Kitchen
Daphne comes in and lays out some snacks and another bottle of wine.
The crock is sitting on the snack tray.

Daphne: Of course I’m worried he might let me go. I worry about it
every day. But I’m coping.

She drains her own glass of wine.

Reset to: Living Room
Roz comes out with a baby bag.

Roz: Alice is so cute. She fell asleep hugging her bottle.

Niles is slumped against the couch arm, cradling the wine bottle.

Niles: I’m right behind her.
Frasier: Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.
Niles: Oh, you’re right! I should count my blessings: I’m in the
midst of a bitter divorce; Maris is freezing my assets,
forcing me to live in the Shangri-La, which is the devil’s
own apartment complex – where last night they turned off my
heat, re-freezing my assets!

He claps his hands sarcastically.

Frasier: We’re all going through a bit of a rough patch. Look at Roz
and me, we’re out of a job.
Roz: Oh, not me. I just took a phone temp job in customer service.
I can work from wherever I am, they just patch the calls
through.
Frasier: Well, now you see? There’s a positive attitude!

Daphne comes out of the kitchen in time to hear:

Frasier: Some people see losing a job as an opportunity! [Daphne brings
the snacks] Oh, thank you.

Daphne retreats into the kitchen, looking worried. Roz’s cell phone
rings.

Roz: Hello? [sexy voice] Oh, hello. Yes, this is Monique.

Frasier and Niles are shocked.

Roz: I’m just lying in the tub, soaping myself all over...
Frasier: Good heavens, Roz! Is that the sort of customer you’re
servicing?! Hang that up!
Roz: Call me later, Tiger, okay? [hangs up; normal voice] What?
It pays the bills, and I’m not tied to a desk.
Frasier: Not unless they ask you to be!

Niles’ spirits lift enough for him to snigger. Martin comes out.

Martin: Well, good news, the Cowboys just scored. Bad news is,
I kinda screamed and woke somebody’s baby up.

Roz gasps and runs to the hallway. Daphne comes out again.

Frasier: Oh Daphne, my bath salts man has just delivered a new
shipment of my proprietary blend – could you please
run me a tub tonight?
Daphne: [sweetly] Oh, of course I will, Dr. Crane. [comes and refills
their wine glasses] What would you do without me? [to Niles]
A little more?

She notices his sad face.

Daphne: I know things have been tough lately, but they’ll turn around
for you. [caresses his cheek] Just watch.

She goes to the kitchen again. Niles, dumbstruck, feels his cheek
as if blessed.

Niles: She’s an angel. You’re right, Frasier. I’m being too morose.
I’m not taking action. [gets up] I’m telling Daphne I love
her, tonight!
Frasier: [grabs him] Niles, let’s not be rash. Come on, come on,
let’s get you some fresh air.
Niles: I don’t want air, I want Daphne!

Frasier pulls him out to the balcony. Roz’s cell phone rings. Martin
looks around, sees he is alone, and gets up to answer it.

Martin: Hello?

Long pause, while Martin gets a confused look.

Martin: Well, thank you, you’ve got a nice, deep voice too. [looks
more confused] Uh – oh, I don’t know. [looks down] Uh, brown
pants and a plaid shirt - Hello? Hello?

He shrugs and hangs up. Roz comes out and sees Niles yelling and
gesturing wildly at Frasier.

Roz: Is everything all right? What’s wrong with Niles?

Daphne sticks her head out and hears:

Martin: He decided that today’s the day he’s going to tell Daphne.
Roz: He’s gonna tell Daphne with all of us here? That’s gonna be
uncomfortable.
Martin: I know, but I guess he figures he just can’t afford to wait
any longer.

Daphne retreats again. Frasier pulls Niles back in.

Frasier: All right, Niles – [Niles breaks away] Niles, Niles, please!

Daphne runs out.

Niles: [passionately] Daphne...!
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I know what you’re going to do!
Niles: You do?!
Daphne: Not you, Dr. Crane – Dr. Crane! And you can’t fire me,
because I quit!
Frasier: What?
Daphne: After all I’ve done to save you money! I’m washing my face
with dish soap while you’re out buying imported bath salts
like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors’ prison!

She storms to her room.

[N.B. GREAT delivery by Jane Leeves on that last line.]

Niles: She’s an angel!

[N.B. The year 1998, and the specific circumstances referred to fix this
episode at somewhere just after [6.07], “How to Bury a Millionaire,” when
Niles was at a low point. Also, a slight discontinuity here – Roz was
not aware of Niles’ feelings for Daphne until [6.16] “Decoys,” much later
in Season Six, after she and Frasier had gotten their jobs back.]

FADE TO:

Scene Six – Living Room
Morning. Frasier sees a woman to the elevator.

SUPRA: "1996"

Frasier: I’ll pick you up at seven, my angel.

He turns around with a moonstruck smile. Daphne and Martin are seated
at the dining table.

Frasier: You’d better get used to the name “Evelyn Griebel,” because
you’re going to be hearing an awful lot of it around here.
Evelyn Griebel – sounds like music, doesn’t it?
Daphne: Haven’t you only been dating her a week?
Frasier: Well yes, and you know how loath I am to use the expression
“she may be the one,” but I think in this case it’s
appropriate.

Both Daphne and Martin have a weary look on their faces – they know
he's setting himself up for a fall, and know how useless it is to
try and tell him. Niles comes out of the hallway in a huff.

Niles: I finally got Maris calmed down. I hope you’re happy.
Frasier: All I said was, “Maris, why the long face?”
Niles: Yes, and now she’s on the phone to her chin-grinder in Zurich.

The doorbell rings.

Frasier: Yeah, I’ll get that. It’s probably Roz.

He opens the door to her.

Frasier: Well?
Roz: Sorry I’m late, but I had a date.
Frasier: Yes, I thought that was last night.
Roz: It was a good date. How’s your new girlfriend?
Frasier: I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mount Crane
and I believe she’s feeling the effects of the altitude. [laughs]
Roz: Is one of them nausea? Cause I’m getting that right now.
Frasier: Oh, shut up!

At the table, Martin holds up the crock, which now has labels on it.

Martin: Hey, you hungry, Roz? There's cheese here. Oh, nobody opened
it.
Frasier: Dear God, Dad, that’s three years old! Throw it out!
Martin: No, it’ll be fine. Sure you don’t want any? The label says
it’s “famously spreadable.”
Niles: Funny, Roz, doesn’t your label say the same thing?
Roz: What does yours say, Niles – “may cause drowsiness”? I’m just
having some fun, ‘cause I know I’ll be settling down someday.
Frasier: Yes well, thank God my dating days are over! Three years on
the Seattle singles scene is quite enough, thank you.

The phone rings, Frasier answers.

Frasier: Hello? Oh hi, Evelyn. [puts the phone to his shoulder] She
can’t go five minutes without talking to me. [into phone]
Listen, I’m really looking forward to dinner tomorrow...
I see. Well, if tomorrow’s no good... I see.

Roz, Niles, Daphne, and Martin are all trading looks, daring each other
to act surprised.

Frasier: But you said you were having such a lovely time... I see.
Perhaps I’d better take this in my room.

He goes to his room, passing Eddie sitting in his chair.

Frasier: Oh, what are you smirking at?!

[N.B. The year 1996, and the fact that Niles is still with Maris,
fix this episode at somewhere in the Third Season before [3.08],
“The Last Time I Saw Maris,” when Niles and Maris separated.]

FADE TO:

Scene Seven - Living Room
Evening. Frasier is reading a book on the couch. Eddie is sitting
up next to him, staring at him.

SUPRA: "1993"

Frasier: What are you staring at?

Martin comes out, wearing the same sweater-vest he wore in [1.01],
“The Good Son.”

Martin: It’s fourteen.
Frasier: What?
Martin: You’re reading about Jack Russell terriers, right? That’s how
many years they live – fourteen.

Frasier sheepishly closes the book. The doorbell rings. Frasier gets
up and answers it to Niles, with a shopping bag.

Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles.
Niles: Ah, there are the merry bachelors in their swinging new pad!

Martin just looks grumpily at him.

Frasier: Where’s Maris?
Niles: Uh, she’s taken to her bed. This large-earring fad has
compressed her spine. Where is your, uh, enchanting new
home healthcare worker?

Daphne comes out, wearing the short sundress-and-stockings ensemble
and piled-up hairstyle she made famous in the first season.

Daphne: I just found out what that second toilet in me loo is for!
[laughs] Talk about a shock!
Niles: Hello there.
Daphne: Hello. You’re, uh... oh, don’t tell me, I’m good with names.
Uh... Miles Crane!
Niles: ...Yes, I am! And-and you’re Daphne Moon, from Manchester,
where you developed a liking for Nickerson’s Lemon Biscuits.

He takes a box out of the bag.

Daphne: What a kind man you are, Miles Crane.

She takes the biscuits and turns away. Niles grimaces in
disappointment.

Frasier: Oh by the way, I’ve invited Roz Doyle to join us – she’s my
producer over at the radio station. She had no plans this
evening – you know, I think the poor thing has a hard time
meeting men.
Niles: Hm.
Frasier: [heads to the bar] Anyway, would you care for a scotch, Niles?
Niles: Uh yes – actually, I’m in a sherry mood tonight.
Frasier: Sherry? What an intriguing idea. Think I could scare up a
bottle of sherry.

He goes into the kitchen. The doorbell rings again.

Daphne: Oh, I’ll get it.

She answers it to Roz. Frasier comes out of the kitchen removing the
cork from a bottle of sherry.

Frasier: Oh hi, Roz, come on in. Uh, I’d like you to meet my dad.
This is Martin Crane, and his home healthcare worker, Daphne
Moon, and of course this is my brother, Niles Crane.

[N.B. Another slight discontinuity - this is Season One, but Roz and
Martin actually first met in [1.06], “The Crucible” – which was also
the first time she saw Frasier’s apartment.]

Daphne: Oh my God, is it Niles? Oh, I feel so embarrassed.
Niles: Oh no, please, don’t be. Actually, I prefer Miles.

As he says this, he casually leans back against the cabinet - knocking
over the books on top and nearly falling after them himself. Daphne
bends over to pick them up, and her bum stretches against her dress,
mesmerizing Niles. When she straightens up, he fixes his gaze on the
ceiling.

The doorbell rings again.

Martin: Oh, that’ll be my pizza. Could you get it?
Frasier: What? You are not having pizza. I made a duck.
Martin: What, you’re gonna tell me what I can eat now?
Frasier: No, I’m just saying that it’s rude to bring your own food to a
dinner party.

Martin goes to the kitchen as Frasier opens the door to the pizza
delivery boy – Kenny, wearing a denim jacket and with long, shaggy
black hair.

Kenny: Hi.
Frasier: Oh, hello.
Kenny: Twelve bucks.
Frasier: Right.
Kenny: Hey, aren’t you that new radio shrink at KACL – Dr. Frasier
Crane, right?
Frasier: Yes, yes I am. It’s always nice to meet a fan.
Kenny: Well actually, I’m in the radio game myself. This pizza
thing is just paying the bills until a job opens up. Maybe
you could put a good word in for me down at the-

Frasier mumbles “thank you” and shuts the door in Kenny’s face.
He carries the pizza to the dining table as Martin comes out
with the crock.

Roz: Pizza smells good.
Martin: Well, have some. It’s called a Dirty Dozen. Twelve delicious
toppings, and not one of them duck.
Frasier: This from the gourmet who dumped my Cornish Yarg cheese down
the disposal.
Martin: It was covered with mold!
Frasier: It was supposed to be!
Martin: Well, I said I’d replace it, didn’t I? And here it is, I hope
you’re happy.

He places the crock on the table. Frasier picks it up and reads the
label.

Frasier: “With pasteurized, processed, cheese-flavored snack food.”
[looks inside] Dear God, it looks like someone melted down
a highway cone.
Martin: Just trying to be nice, you don’t need to be a jerk about it.
Frasier: You’re right, Dad, I’m sorry, thank you. [to Niles] Would you
please join me in the kitchen...?

Niles is standing at Daphne’s side, smelling her hair.

Frasier: Miles!

Reset to: Kitchen
Niles follows Frasier in. Frasier is carrying the crock.

Frasier: He is driving me batty! All right, we are making a deal.
He spends six months here, and then he’s moving into your
house.
Niles: Absolutely, we’ll switch off.

They shake hands on it.

Martin: [o.s.] Someone bring me a beer?
Roz: [o.s.] Yeah, beer sounds good.
Frasier: I should have just gotten a keg. I tell you something,
this is the last time I try to make a nice dinner for
these people!

He picks up the crock and reads the label again. The camera
zooms in on it...

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene Eight – Present Day
Back to where we left off. Frasier smiles, closes the garbage, then
fits the broken piece back onto the crock, goes out and places it in
the center of the table.

[N.B. “Of course I’m respectable, I’m old. Whores, ugly buildings and
politicians all become respectable if they last long enough.” – John
Huston in “Chinatown.”]

The doorbell rings. Frasier walks to the door, passing Martin coming
from the hallway.

Frasier: Oh, hey Dad.
Martin: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Dinner’s ready.
Martin: All right.

Frasier opens the door to Daphne, Niles, and Roz.

Frasier: Hello, you guys, come on in.

He hugs and kisses his family and friends, as they all ad-lib greetings.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

The table is set, and the Crane family are sitting down to dinner.
To complete the place setting, Roz comes in from the kitchen with
some flowers in a small glass jar. She begins to set it down in the
center, but Frasier takes it from her, and sentimentally decides to put
the crock in the place of honor. Martin is touched, and says so; Roz
makes a wry remark, remembering her bogus birthday gift.

Frasier moves the flowers from the jar to the crock, then pours the
water into it. It springs out of a dozen cracks in the sides, then
pours out of a hole in the bottom. Everyone leaps away from the table,
then scrambles to mop up the water.