01x01 - The Sopranos

[DOOR OPENS]

Mr. Soprano?

Yeah.

Have a seat.

[TONY COUGHS]

My understanding from Dr. Cusamano, your physician...

...is that you collapsed.

Possibly a panic attack? You were unable to breathe?

They said it was a panic attack.

The blood and neurological work came back negative.

And they sent me here.

You don't agree that you had a panic attack?

How are you feeling now?

Good.

Fine. Back at work.

What line of work are you in?

Waste management consultant.

It's impossible for me to talk to a psychiatrist.

Any thoughts at all on why you blacked out?

I don't know. Stress, maybe.

About what?

TONY: I don't know.

The morning I got sick, I'd been thinking.

It's good to be in something from the ground floor.

And I came too late for that, I know.

But lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end.

The best is over.

MELFI: Many Americans, I think, feel that way.

TONY:
I think about my father.

He never reached the heights like me.

In a lot of ways he had it better.

He had his people, they had their standards, they had pride.

Today, what do we got?

Did you have these feelings of loss more acutely before you collapsed?

I don't know.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[RUSTLING]

[DUCK QUACKS]

TONY: A couple months before, these two ducks landed in my pool.

It was amazing. They're from Canada, and it was mating season.

They had some ducklings.

Come on, get some bread.

[QUACKING]

TONY: My daughter's friend was there to drive her to school.

- Meadow, your father with those ducks.
MEADOW: The yard smells like duck poo.

You gotta have more than just juice for breakfast.

You need brain food for school.
Happy birthday, handsome.

- Thirteen.
- He doesn't act it.

The male and female duck made a home in your pool and did it?

Get out of here! You're so gross!

You want some of last night's sfogliatelle?

- Get out of here with that fat.
- One bite.

How do you stay skinny, Mrs. Soprano?

Him, with those ducks.

If you don't like that ramp, I'll build another. Maybe it's the wood.

[QUACKING]

Look, they're trying to fly.

MEADOW: National Geographic, Dad.
AJ: Yeah, super.

AJ: You showed us yesterday.
- This is great!

Now my wife feels this friend is a bad influence.

It's so cool you're coming to Aspen with my family at Christmas.

Last year I saw Skeet Ulrich, as close as from where you're sitting.

Miss Meadow, we made a deal.

Keep your grades up and your curfew until Christmas, then you get to go.

I know that.

Good morning.

HUNTER: Hey, Mr. Soprano.
MEADOW: We're late, Dad.

- Happy birthday.
- Thanks, Dad.

You're gonna be home tonight for Anthony Jr.'s birthday party, right?

Birdman, hello!

Yeah, yeah.
I'll get home early from work.

I'm not talking about work.

This won't work.
I can't talk about my personal life.

Finish telling me about the day you collapsed.

TONY: I drove to work with my nephew.
He's learning the business.

He's an example of what I was talking about before.

Did you call Triborough Towers about the hauling contract?

I got home too late.
I didn't want to wake the man up.

Did you get up early and call?
He's always in his office by .

I was nauseous. My mother told me I shouldn't even come in today.

TONY: Bear in mind, this is a kid who just bought himself a $ , Lexus.

- There's that guy Mahaffey.
TONY: Get out.

Right there.
Next to the boo-boo in pink.

Back up.

My friend Mahaffey pulling his taffy. Hello.

TONY: We saw this guy.

There was an outstanding loan.

One second.

I don't know where this story is going.

But there are a few ethical ground rules we should get out of the way.

What you tell me here...

...falls under doctor/patient confidentiality.

Except if I was...

If I was to hear, let's say, a murder was to take place...

Not that it would, but if.

If a patient tells me a story where someone's going to get hurt...

...I'm supposed to go to the authorities.

Technically.

You said you were in waste management.

The environment.

Dr. Cusamano, besides being your family physician...

...is also your next-door neighbor.

See what I'm saying?

I don't know what happened with this fellow, I'm...

I'm just saying.

Nothing.

We had coffee.

WOMAN: Alex!

MAHAFFEY: Help!

Security! Help!

TONY: Oh, sh1t.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Asshole!

CHRIS: Tony!

Wait up!

MAHAFFEY: Security!

[CHUCKLES]

[THUD]

[MAHAFFEY WHIMPERS]

You all right?

My leg is broken.
The bone's coming through.

Let me see.

I'll give you a f*cking bone, you prick! Where's my f*cking money?

So you had coffee.

Right.

You son of a bitch, m*therf*cker.

- What are you doing? Get over here!
- That's $ here. $ .

Go ahead.

[SCREAMS]

Where's the f*cking money?

MAHAFFEY: I'll get the money!

I know you will.

You should get a cork in your mouth because you say I'm nothing...

...compared to the people who used to run things. Prick.

I'm nothing.

[CRIES]

Shut up.

What are you crying about? HMO.
You're covered.

You prick.

Degenerate f*cking gambler.

MELFI: Go on.

TONY: Next, I had a meeting.

I was called in to consult by a garbage-hauling company I represent.

What's the story with Triborough Towers?

The manager wants the contract with Dick, but this Kolar Sanitation...

Another nationwide company.

The Kolar brothers. Czechoslovakian immigrants or some sh1t.

These Polacks will haul paper, plastic and aluminum...

...for a month less than Dick.

They pay us times the monthly for stealing a stop.

PUSSY: That's the thing. They won't.

Says if he can tell the commie bosses in Czechoslovakia to f*ck off...

...he can f*cking tell us.

- I give up.
- f*cking garbage business.

PUSSY: Yeah, I know. It's all changing.

CHRIS: Let me see what I can do.

Sure? You over your stomachache?

- Oh, yeah.
- Good.

What are you doing here?

Gabriella sends me down here for the capocollo.

Hey, T, let me ask you something.

Didn't you used to go to school with Artie Bucco?

A situation came up.
It involves my uncle.

I can't go into details.

That's fine.

But I will say this. My uncle adds to my general stress level.

It's none of my business...

...but down at the club, the word is...

...your Uncle Junior is gonna whack Pussy Malanga.

He's gonna do it at Artie Bucco's restaurant.

[BOAT HORN HONKS]

Hey, boys. How are you?

Don't move.

- Uncle Junior, how you doing?
- Hey.

TONY: Hey, good to see you.

Hi there, Chris.

I was talking about you. It's Anthony Jr.'s birthday tonight, right?

Don't buy him anything big, we overindulge him. Okay?

ARTIE: Hey!

- Artie, how's your rash?
- It's itchy.

Come here.

- Good to see you. You'll come over?
- Yeah, have a seat.

You know what it means, one of these mutts gets wet in here?

It'll ruin his business.

You better sit down with your uncle.

TONY: Uncle Junior's my father's brother.

A good guy, just getting old, cranky.

He used to take me to Yankee games when I was a kid.

I love my uncle.

At the same time, when I was young...

...he told my girl cousins I would never be a varsity athlete.

Frankly, that was a tremendous blow to my self-esteem.

LIVIA: Who's there?

It's me, Ma.

LIVIA: Who are you?

Ma, open the door.

LIVIA: Anthony?
- Yeah, it's me. Open the door.

[UNLOCKS DOOR]

Hi, how are you?

Jeez, Ma. Get some air in here.

Did you lock the door?

- Yeah, I did.
- Somebody called here last night.

- After dark.
- Who?

You think I'd answer?
It was dark out.

Ma, I'll never understand that.

The phone is auditory.
Dark is an eye thing.

I could understand not going out.
You could get jumped.

But the phone?

Listen to him, he knows everything.
You want some lunch? I got eggplant.

No, no, I just ate.
Know who I just ran into?

Uncle Jun.

Oh, that one. You think he ever comes to see his sister-in-law?

Remember Artie Bucco?

Kid I went to elementary school with?

LIVIA:
Oh, yeah, I still see his mother.

She tells me...

...he calls her every day.

Well, Uncle Junior's gonna make a problem for Artie.

Could affect his livelihood.

- What's that?
- CD player.

For who?

For me?

- I don't want it.
- You don't want it.

You love music, all the old stuff's on CD. Your favorites.

"Pajama Game," Connie Francis.

Here.

[CONNIE FRANCIS' "WHO'S SORRY NOW?" PLAYS]

Come on.

Move around a bit.
It's good for you.

LIVIA:
What? No.

- Come on. Come on.
- Stop it.

You need to occupy your mind. When Dad died, you were gonna do things.

- He was a saint.
- I know he was. But he's gone.

You were gonna travel, volunteer.
You've done nothing.

Stop telling me how to live my life.
Just shut up.

I just worry...

And don't start with that nursing home business again.

It's not a nursing home, it's a retirement community!

You interact with seniors your own age, go places, do things!

I've seen women in nursing homes...

...in these wheelchairs, babbling like idiots!

Here, eat your eggplant.

I told you, I already ate lunch.

All right, listen.

You just speak to Uncle Junior about Artie, okay?

He respects you.
He'll listen to you.

If your uncle has business with Arthur, he knows what he's doing.

And I don't?

Well, all I know is...

...daughters are better at taking care of their mothers than sons.

Yeah, and I bought CDs for a broken record.

I expect to see you at Anthony Jr.'s party with your baked ziti.

Only if I'm picked up and I'm brought back home.

I don't drive when they're predicting rain.

You're healthy.
It's good for you to drive.

Use it or lose it.
I gotta go to work.

Sure...

...run off!

And that night was my son's birthday party.

TONY: My wife invites the priest.
He's always at the house.

- Hey, Tony.
- How you doing?

- You like crème anglaise?
- You bless it, I'll eat it.

She's not coming.

CARMELA: Who?
- Grandma just called.

She started crying and hung up.

- She needs a purpose.
- She's tougher than you think.

- So, what? No f*cking ziti now?
ADULTS: Hey!

[HUMS]

[QUACKING]

[CHUCKLES]

TONY:
At first it felt like...

...ginger ale in my skull.

[WHEEZES]

MEADOW: Mom, Daddy just fell! Mom!
CARMELA: Oh, my God. Tony!

Get back!

MEADOW: Daddy! Dad!

CARMELA: Anthony Jr., call .

[MACHINE CLICKS]

TONY: Dr. Cusamano put me in the hospital, gave me every kind of test.

Okay.

Hey! Carm.

- Thought you might want some company.
- Yeah.

: in the morning.

- How are the kids?
- They're worried about you.

I told Anthony Jr. we'd rain-check his birthday.

Think I got a brain tumor?

Well, we're gonna find out.

What a bedside manner.
Very encouraging.

What, are you gonna not know?

We had some good times.
Had some good years.

Here he goes with the nostalgia.

No marriage is perfect.

Having that goomar on the side helps.

I'm not seeing her anymore.
What about that priest?

Don't even go there.

Father is a spiritual mentor.
He's making me a better Catholic!

Well, we all got different needs.

What's different between us is, you're going to hell when you die.

[SIGHS]

[MACHINE HUMS]

TONY: My nephew, Christopher, was handling the garbage contract problem.

But on this I will also not go into detail.

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

EMIL: Emil Kolar.

CHRIS: Chris Moltisanti.

EMIL: Hey, in Czech Republic too, we love pork.

You ever have our sausages?

CHRIS: No. I thought the only sausages they had was Italian and Jimmy Dean's.

See what you learn when you cross cultures and sh1t?

My Uncle Evzen doesn't know I came.

If we make any progress, I'll tell him.

Hey, we have to make progress, Emil.
We gotta stop the madness.

Business is changing, we're the younger generation.

We have issues in common.

Emil.

Where'd you go to high school?
Was it Poland?

I'm not Polish.

Czechoslovakian, that's a type of Polack, right?

We came here when I was .
I went to West Essex.

You used to play my cousin Gregory in football, he...

- Where's the stuff?
- Yes, yes, yes.

The reason for the visit.
We got it all deployed for you.

Taste the wares, Emil.

Emil.

[EMIL SNORTS]

[GUNSHOT]

The doctors kept me hanging about the tests, as doctors will do.

So my uncle and I played a round of golf and had lunch.

You keep mentioning your uncle.
What's the problem?

Who do you think you are?

I'm the person who says how things go, that's who.

Artie's dinner business is nice, upscale people from the suburbs.

Don't ruin his life.

Vesuvio is where Pussy feels safe.

He's been eating here all his life.

You kill him someplace else.

You may run North Jersey, but you don't run your uncle!

How many f*cking hours did I spend playing catch with you?

MELFI: Can we focus more on your immediate family?

TONY: My wife and daughter were not getting along.

Darn, these laser discs are incredible!

Tony watches Godfather II. He says it looks just like the movie theater.

Gordon Willis. Tony prefers II, not I?

He likes where Vito goes back to Sicily.

With III, he was like, "What happened?"

Where does Tony rank Goodfellas?

[CLANKING]

What, do you have raccoons?

- Somebody's jimmying a window.
- What?

PHIL: You have all these security lights, who would try and?

Oh, no. Jeez, Louise!

Hold it!

Meadow.

I noticed the glass rattles every time I walk to the laundry room.

Do we have any putty?

Don't give me that.
You snuck out!

What's going on?

You locked my bedroom window so I'd get caught.

Normal people thought you were upstairs doing your homework!

You have become a master of lying and conniving.

I know I'm grounded.

Patrick's swim meet is tomorrow, and he needed me!

Grounded for this?
Oh, no, you're not grounded.

You're not going to Aspen with Hunter Scangarelo!

AJ: Yes!

But this sh1t I'm telling you...

...it'll all blow over.

Didn't you admit to Dr. Cusamano that you were feeling depressed?

TONY: "Melfi."

What part of the boot you from?

Dr. Melfi.

My father's people were from Caserta.

Avellino.

My mother would have loved it if you and I got together.

Anxiety attacks are legitimate psychiatric emergencies.

Suppose you were driving and you passed out.

Let me tell you something.

Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks and counselors...

...and go on Sally Jessy Raphael and talk about their problems.

Whatever happened to Gary Cooper?

The strong, silent type?

That was an American.

He wasn't in touch with his feelings.

They didn't realize once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings...

...they wouldn't be able to shut him up!

So it's dysfunction this and that! And dysfunction va fangool!

You have strong feelings about this.

I had a semester and a half of college...

...so I understand Freud.
I understand therapy as a concept.

But in my world, it does not go down.

Could I be happier?
Yeah. Yeah. Who couldn't?

Do you feel depressed?

Do you feel depressed?

Since the ducks left...

I guess.

The ducks that preceded your losing consciousness.

Let's talk about them.

[GRUNTING]

You can't blame T for being pissed.
You should have waited.

That's the last time I show any f*cking initiative.

Imagine how I felt?

T's running down the business...

...I f*cking wet a guy to keep one of our stops.

He's not running it down.
It's just getting harder in New York.

CHRIS:
One.

Two.

Three.

Come on!

- This is f*cked up.
- What, Pussy?

The Kolar uncle is gonna find the kid dead on one of his bins...

...and get out of our f*cking business? No way.

"Louis Brassi sleeps with the fishes."

Luca Brassi.

- Luca.
- Whatever.

There's differences, Christopher.

From the Luca Brassi situation and this?

Look, if the Kolars know the kid is dead, it hardens their position.

Plus, now the cops are looking for a f*cking murderer.

What do you want to do?

He disappears.
He never comes home.

They know, but they don't know.

They hope maybe he'll turn up... if.

Come on. Let's get him.

PUSSY: Got him?

Take him to Staten Island, I'll cut him up.

Pussy, you know, with T collapsing at the birthday...

...what would you do if he was, like, disabled?

Why would you even ask that?

Our lecture series in action.

Someone from the university discussing...

...the novels of, I believe, Zora Neale Hurston.

Didn't you just read her in school, Med?

It's very nice.

You know, Grandma, this place is neat.

You should really think about it.

DIRECTOR: This room was renovated last year.

What goes on behind there?

DIRECTOR: Those doors lead to our nursing unit.

This is a nursing home!

This is a residence, but just in case...

No, you're not getting me into a nursing home.

You're not listening to what she's saying.

Women in wheelchairs, babbling like idiots!

Ma, you're not listening.

You think you're so high and mighty, don't you?

With your fancy office.

Anthony, people come here to die!

[VASE SHATTERS]

Oh, my God! Somebody get a doctor.

So you've come back for help. Don't look at that as a defeat.

She's one of those who grew up during the Depression.

But the Depression to her was a trip to Six Flags.

There's that "D" word again.

[SIGHS]

Stay with your mother.

Now that my father's dead, he's a saint.

When he was alive, nothing.

My dad was tough, he ran his own crew.

A guy like that and my mother wore him down to a little nub.

He was a squeaking little gerbil when he died.

Quite a formidable maternal presence.

I gotta be honest. I'm not getting any satisfaction from my work, either.

Why?

Well, because of RICO.

- Is he your brother?
- No. The RICO Statutes.

Oh, of course, right.

You read the papers?

You know, the government's using electronic surveillance...

...and various legal strategies to squeeze my business.

Do you have any qualms about how you actually make a living?

Yeah.

I find I have to be the sad clown.

Laughing on the outside...

...crying on the inside.

See, things are trending downward.

Used to be, a guy got pinched, he took his prison jolt.

Everybody upheld a code of silence.

Nowadays, no values.

Guys today have no room for the penal experience.

So everybody turns government witness.

I feel exhausted just talking about it.

Well, with today's pharmacology, no one needs to suffer...

...with feelings of exhaustion and depression.

Here we go.
Here comes the Prozac.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

Mahaffey doesn't have it.

What do you mean he doesn't have it?

He doesn't have the money.

How can he not have the money?

The man does not have the money.

We ran the man over with the car. T, himself.

The man has no wiggle room.
He's bled dry.

So...

...I hear Junior wants to whack Pussy Bompensiero?

- Pussy Malanga.
- Oh, Little Pussy.

You think he's gonna f*ck with Big Pussy?

My Pussy?

Andrea.

Stay with drinks on the house all night.

ANDREA: Sorry, Mr. Dante.
SILVIO: It's okay.

So your uncle resents that you're the boss.

The sadness accrues.

Your uncle's had a hard-on his whole life.

First, against your father, his younger brother...

...because he was a made man before him.

And now, you.

So, sure, he can't stomach your telling him what to do.

Hesh, I love the man.

The man is driven in toto by his insecurities.

I feel bad I was the messenger.

Your friend Artie, with the restaurant.

Get him out of town.

That way the restaurant closes, the hit goes down someplace else.

You old f*cking Jew.

No wonder my old man kept you around so long.

So what about this f*cking Jew's on Mahaffey's ?

Mahaffey has a new business partner...

...you.

These HMOs pay out millions...

...to doctors, hospitals, whatever.

That MRI I had, $ a pop.

Now, we give this Mahaffey a choice.

Either his company pays out phony claims...

...to fake clinics we set up...

...or he pays Hesh the grand he owes him...

...which we know he cannot do.

Or it's a rainy night in Lyndhurst.

Very smart.
Could be major.

Could be as good as garbage.

- Garbage is our bread and butter.
- Was.

[KNOCKING]

CARMELA:
Miss Meadow!

So, Med.

I'm not going.

Every year, on this date, since you were itty-bitty...

...Mom and Meadow get all dolled up...

...drive into New York Plaza Hotel for tea under Eloise's portrait.

Look, where's yours?

I have too much homework.

Meadow, its our little tradition!

We always have so much fun!

To tell you the truth, I felt it was dumb since I was !

I just go because you like it.

Here I thought this was something we would do long after you got married...

...with girls of your own.

Hopefully I won't be living around here by then.

COMPUTER: You've got mail.

Meadow, you can't just lie and cheat and break the rules you don't like!

What? You have something you want to say?

Mom, do you have any idea how much it means to go skiing in Aspen?

Do you think that'll happen every year?

Like lame tea and scones at the Plaza Hotel?

- Goodbye.
- Close my door, please.

Artie.

ARTIE: Give me a drop. Oh! A drop, not a spurt. Soave, a drop!

- How are you?
- All right. Stir the meatballs.

- Could you help me out?
- Yeah, what do you need?

Cruise. Caribbean.

S.S. Sagafjord, th through the th.

Pair of tickets. I can't use them.

Can you take them off my hands?

- Where'd they come from?
CHRIS: Comps.

Comps?

What does that mean?

As manager for the Kitchen and Restaurant Workers Union...

...I administer the dental plan.
You listening to me?

A couple of dentists got together and awarded me these tickets.

The problem is, I can't get away those dates.

[ARTIE LAUGHS]

Here. When was your last vacation?

- Anthony, thank you.
- All right.

Mr. Soprano?

[SIGHS]

CHARMAINE: You cannot accept a gift like that from Tony Soprano! No way!

Listen to me, Charmaine...

...if I stick my hand up the ass of one more lobster without a break...

...I'm gonna go postal.

I don't even want to talk about it anymore, please!

Art, Melissa, come on, honey.
It's time to go home.

You have to get away.
We have to get away for the marriage.

No! It's bad enough that these mobsters patronize the place, okay?

So what? We're not connected.

Right. Because we just turned down those tickets!

But the tickets were comps.
Tony is a labor leader.

Arthur, please. Grow up!

Does the mind not rebel at any scenario under which dentists...

...are sending the don of New Jersey first class on a Norwegian steamship?

Come on, Arthur, somebody donated their kneecaps for those tickets!

Herman, there is no way I can subvert my f*cking company.

Have them pay claims for MRIs that never happened?

- The paperwork will look real.
- How do I not get caught?

I hate to hear you knocking yourself.
You're a smart guy.

I'm depressed. I'm so f*cking depressed I can't eat, sleep.

- You on Prozac?
- Zoloft. It's similar.

- It's supposed to help with gambling.
- No sh1t.

This new generation of antidepressants...

...are supposed to be useful against compulsive behaviors.

That's a shame.

A medication comes along after your gambling...

...gets your f*cking hip busted to sh1t.

I'm trying not to be cynical.

Your debt and the feelings surrounding it is the source of all your problems.

I'm sorry I haven't paid you, Herman.

I know you are.

And I never meant to denigrate Tony Soprano.

- Want to walk on the rocks?
- Crutches, I can't.

It's beautiful out there.
Come on, we'll help you.

I go out there to think.

[CAR STARTS]

Thanks, but no.

Let's try it.

What you were saying before with the MRIs and...

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]


PAULIE: T!

Dick's looking for you!

Hey, Tony, I just heard from Triborough Towers.

The Kolar brothers withdrew their bid.

That's good. That's good.

Listen, by the way, Artie Bucco's here to see you.

- I gotta go, guys.
- Take care.

TONY: Artie!

Artie, you all right?

- I can't.
- What are you talking about?

We discussed this.
You gotta leave town.

I'm sorry.

NILS: This is unacceptable.

I made a reservation two weeks ago.

Sir, people are not leaving, and there are five parties ahead of you.

- So what would you like...?
- Can I help you?

I tore her a new one.

Why don't we just go to another restaurant and eat?

We're here.

OWNER: Mr. Soprano, how you doing?
Good to see you.

TONY:
How you doing?

- Signora.
- Hello.

This way. Excuse me.

IRINA: Sweetie-pie, I'm hungry.
Tony, where you going?

Hey. How are you?

Good.

You come here?

When possible.

Those decorating tips you gave me, they really work.

Good.

How you doing?

MELFI: Nils, Nils?

Do you know who that was?

Well, I mean, obviously you do.

What, is he a patient?

You know I can't say.

Decorating tips, yeah, right.

Nils, shut the f*ck up.

Mr. Borglund, they're setting up your table now.

Whoa.

IRINA: Who was that woman at the restaurant?

TONY: My decorator.

What?
You're redoing the garbage dump?

TONY: That's funny. Hey, you better not mess with that hat!

[IRINA GIGGLES]

Come on, it's JFK's hat!
I bought it at that auction.

Give me that!

Irina, Jesus.

I know there is something more intimate between you and her.

Nothing intimate. We just talk.

Mr. Soprano, buona sera.

We don't see you.
Where you been?

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

You know, sometimes...

...life is good.

Life is often good.

Regaleali, for example.

You've been in good spirits the last couple days.

Carmela, there's something I gotta confess.

What are you doing?

Getting my wine in position to throw in your face!

You're always with the drama.

Confess already, please.
Get it over with!

I'm on Prozac.

Oh. Oh, my God.

I been seeing a therapist.

Oh, my God.
I think that's great.

I think that's wonderful!
I think that's so gutsy!

- Take it easy.
- But I think that's very wonderful.

You'd think I was Hannibal Lecter.

I think it's great.
Psychology doesn't address the soul.

But this is a start.
This is something.

Oh, I'm gonna shut up now.

I'll shut up now.

You're the only person who knows.

The only reason I'm telling you this is because you're my wife.

You're the only person on this planet that I'm completely honest with.

Oh, please.

Hey, goddamn it, I'm serious.

If the wrong person finds out,
I get a steel jacket...

...of antidepressant in the back of the head.

I didn't realize you were so unhappy.

I don't know.

My mother...

You told him about your father, right?

- Who?
- Your therapist.

Yeah. Yeah, I told him.

Good. But your mother is the one.

I don't know, I just feel like lately my life's out of balance.

Our existence on this earth is a puzzle.

My own daughter hates me.

She doesn't hate you, Carm.

We were best friends.

Mothers and their daughters.
She'll come back to you.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
CHRIS: Jesus!

What's the matter, no social life?

Blow me.

Dad.

I brought you my primavera.
It's your favorite.

- Who is it?
- Christopher.

- Hey.
- Our friend is back in town.

TV ANNOUNCER: "Little Pussy" Malanga, confused with "Big Pussy" Bompensiero...

...had just returned from Florida...

So it's gonna go down soon?

Don't worry.
I got a way to put it to bed.

TONY: Come on, Meadow.

- Go, Falcons!
- Come on, let's go!

So when do you need this by?

Right away.

- Way to go, Meadow!
- Beautiful, beautiful!

I think I can get a party
like that together.

- Side out? That ball hit the line!
- What are you doing, ref?

Mom didn't come?

Didn't think you wanted her to.

The car's over there.

Hey, Mr. Dante.
See you, Heather.

You guys played a good game.

Heather Dante.
Where'd she get that spike?

Don't you think it's unfair what Mom is doing?

Making this little movie scene out of it.

"The Sad Mom Who Can't Even Come to Her Daughter's Sports Event."

Dad?

Don't you think it's totally out there?

I mean, my Aspen trip.
What is she thinking?

Dad?

It's been years since I've been here.

Dad, please talk to her, please.

God, this is so stupid.

Why are we sitting here?

Your mother thinks you have the capacity to be a top student.

And I agree.

What do you guys want, perfection?

What are you looking at?

Your great-grandfather and his brother Frank...

...they built this place.

Big whoop.

Stone and marble workers.
They came over here from Italy...

...and they built this place.

Yeah, right. Two guys.

No, they were two guys on a crew of, you know, laborers.

They didn't design it...

...but they knew how to build it.

Now find two guys who can put decent grout around your bathtub.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[CAR ALARMS SOUNDING]

So I feel good.

So I don't know if I'm gonna be needing to come back.

It's not the Prozac.

Why not?

You said you're thinking clearer and your wife says you seem to be better?

It's not the medication.

Prozac takes weeks to build up effective levels in the blood.

Well, what is it, then?

Coming here. Talking.

Hope comes in many forms.

Well, who's got time for that?

What is it you want to say to me?

I had a dream last night.

Uh...

My bellybutton was...

...a Phillips head screw...

...and I'm working unscrewing it...

...and when I get it unscrewed...

...my pen1s falls off.

You know, I pick it up and I'm holding it and I'm running around...

...looking for the guy who used to work on my Lincoln...

...so he can put it back on.

And you know, I'm holding it up...

...and this bird swoops down and grabs it in its beak...

...and flies off with it.

What kind of bird?

I don't know. Sea gull or something.

A water bird?

I saw The Birds last week.
Think that planted the idea?

What else is a water bird?

Pelican, flamingo.

What about ducks?

Those goddamn ducks.

What is it about those ducks that meant so much to you?

I don't know, it was a trip...

...having those wild creatures...

...come into my pool and have their little babies.

I was sad to see them go.

Oh, Jesus, f*ck. Now he's gonna cry.

sh1t. f*ck me.

When the ducks gave birth to those babies, they became a family.

You're right.

It's a link. A connection.

I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my family...

...like I lost the ducks.

That's what I'm full of dread about.

It's always with me.

What are you so afraid's going to happen?

I don't know.

You work so hard.

You work so damn hard and to see your life's dream...

...burn down.

Look at it this way, you collect the insurance.

You gotta say to yourself, "It could have been worse."

How could it have been worse?
f*cking faulty stove!

Suppose people stopped coming, ever think of that?

I don't know.
I don't know what the f*ck.

He's right.
There's no insurance for that.

Why would people stop coming to the restaurant? It's just catching on.

You know what I'm figuring out lately?

Talking helps.

- That's right.
- He's right. He's right.

Hope... comes in many forms.

Absolutely.

TONY: Come on.

Here, hold this.

Artie.

Artie, come on.

Hey, hey.

Hey, look at me. Look at me.

I'll always help you.

Come on. Come on.

Go cook. Hey, let him cook.
He'll feel better.

Someday I'll tell him we torched the restaurant.

All right, enough of this sh1t.
What's wrong?

You know, a simple...

..."Way to go, Chris, on the Triborough Towers contract!" would have been nice.

That's it.

You're right.

You're right.

I have no defense.

That's how I was parented.
Never supported. Never complimented.

My cousin Gregory's girlfriend...

...is what they call a development girl, out in Hollywood.

She said I could sell my life story, make f*cking millions.

I didn't do that.
I stuck it out with you.

I'll f*cking kill you.
Are you gonna go Henry Hill on me now?

You know how many mobsters are selling screenplays and screwing things up?

She said I could maybe even play myself.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Forget Hollywood screenplays.
Forget those distractions, huh?

What, you think I haven't had offers?

We got work to do. New avenues.

Everything's gonna be all right from here on in. Come on.

Look, it's a beautiful day.
What could be bad?

It's nice of you to pick me up for the party, Junior.

- At least somebody cares about me.
- These kids today.

I suppose he thinks once he's got me in a nursing home...

...I'll die faster and then he won't have to drive me anywhere.

If his father was still alive...

...you can bet he'd show more decency and respect for his mother.

Well, my brother John was a man among men.

He was a saint.

Lots of things are different now from Johnny's and my day.

What do you mean?

I'm not free to run my business like I want.

Aw, isn't that awful.

Just this week, your son stuck his hand in...

...and made it times more difficult for me.

Plus, he thumbs his nose at New York.

What are you gonna do?
He's part of a whole generation.

Do you remember the crazy hair?
And the dope?

Now it's fags in the military.

Stop it, Junior.
You're making me very upset!

I don't like to, Livia,
but I'm agita all the time.

And I'll tell you something else, things are down all across the board.

A lot of friends of ours are complaining.

We used to be recession-proof.
No more.

You can't blame it all on the Justice Department.

Our friends say to me...

..."Junior, why don't you take a larger hand in things?"

Something may have to be done, Livia, about Tony.

I don't know.

There they are.
Hey, Ma, Uncle Jun.

LIVIA: You're using mesquite.
That makes the sausage taste peculiar.

- Hi, Grandma.
- Happy birthday, my big boy.

Carmela, my mother's here.

Everybody, let's eat.

[LAUGHING]