01x03 - Denial, anger, acceptance

[HORN HONKS]

CHRIS: You should've rang the doorbell, Brendan.

Hey, you! Yeah, you!
What are you doing?

We found this truck on the side of the road.

There might be transmission trouble.
You should check it out.

What's going on?
Hey, that's the truck.

The one that was stolen in Newark?

What are you doing with the truck?

It's a gift from Tony Soprano.

Let's call the cops.
Those guys killed Hector.

I don't believe it. We just returned the biggest score of my year.

CHRIS: Listen, you f*ck.

Uncle Junior's breaking Tony's balls since you hijacked that truck.

You're lucky Tony doesn't shove the cab up your ass.

[CHRIS SNORTS]

What else did Comley say?

Nothing much.

There was stuff missing from the truck...

...but he didn't give a f*ck as long as the thing's back.

Then he said to tell Tony thanks, and if Tony needs anything, to call.

Tony?

Those junkie f*cks work for Tony.

They hijack Comley's truck, I get it, and he thanks Tony?

Well, I think you should've taken care of this Christopher Moltisanti thing...

...the minute it first happened.

You should've sent a clear signal: "You f*ck with Junior Soprano..."

Take it easy.
We're not making a Western here.

f*cking family.

I bought his kid a $ surfboard for his birthday.

Mr. Soprano?

How you doing?

Is that a trick picture out there?

Which?

The barn.

And the old tree all rotted out inside.

It's just a picture I bought.

I remember, in a little gallery in Provincetown.

That is a special-made psychological picture.

Like that what-do-you-call-it test.

The Korschach.

You think I want to trick you?

- Oh, no.
- What does that picture say?

"We're from Harvard, and what do you think of...

...this depressing barn and this rotted-out tree here?"

It's depressing and scary to you?

Not to me.

But it's got that built right into it.

How are things?

Good.

I had a real good week.

A friend's in the hospital.

That's never pleasant, but...

Otherwise, I'm having a good week.

- What's he in for?
- They thought it was an ulcer.

You know, then this, then that.

- You're worried about him?
- Jackie?

Jackie's so f*cking mean, he'll scare that cancer away.

Your friend has cancer?

Jackie, when they hook you up, do you make sure they don't have...

...air in your veins, or is that just bullshit?

What do you mean?

This is a good hospital, sweetheart. Nothing like that's gonna happen here.

Air in the line'll kill you.
You know who else...?

Hey!

You know who else has cancer?

Tommy DiPalma.

He's got it much worse. It's eating his brain away.

TONY: Hey, somebody having a baby or what?

- How you doing?
JACKIE: All right.

- How you feeling?
- Good.

Hesh, how you doing?
Good to see you.

Thanks for coming.

Jackie, looking well, pal.

Here, Ro, for you.

You're beautiful.

Mikey, nice to see you again in men's clothing.

I should grab a fire extinguisher.

I heard your friend had a spontaneous combustion in his restaurant.

I'm going to the cafeteria.
Want anything?

A plate of braciole.

[LAUGHING]

- They got grappa in this thing?
- Oh, I wish.

See you later. I got some errands.

- Give Junior my love.
- I will.

Hey.

Tell my uncle I sent back the truck.
Give me the vinegar peppers he owes me.

Thank God he left.

He's a nice guy, but he's like the Grim Reaper.

He knows every guy with cancer, and he can't wait to tell you.

Jackie, you might be a candidate for clinical trials.

These stem cell therapies...

Paulie, he don't want to hear no more cancer talk.

Get the f*ck out of here!

Trust me, you caught a break being Jewish. See what I gotta deal with?

Jews, that's right.
I knew there was something.

Tony, you know Teittleman?

Owns property. Owns the motel down the street from the club.

The Jew with the black clothes and the curls.

They're called Hasidim.

"Hasidim" but I don't believe them.

- What does Teittleman want?
- A divorce for his daughter.

What do you mean?

His son-in-law will not give his daughter the consent...

...unless Teittleman gives him
% of his motel.

They call it a get.

Why don't he just?

It's taboo for their religion.

You know about this sh1t?

Run. Trust me. You don't want to do business with these people.

He said there's large in it if we can get him this get.

There's a saying amongst Jews:

"When a Jew gets a divorce, even the altar sheds tears."

All right, I heard enough.

JACKIE: Look, I'm getting kind of tired.

Let's go get a cup of coffee.

See you later, Jackie.
Take care.

[SINGING]

[SINGING]

That crash was Meadow Soprano jumping her cue.

Miss Marris, we're exhausted from studying for SATs. We were up past .

- Are you her lawyer?
- No.

Why they'd schedule SATs the same week...

- Same day.
- What?

[GRUMBLING]

If we're kicked out of Concert Singers, we lose our best extracurricular.

Goodbye, Berkeley.
Hello, Glassboro State.

I cannot wait until all of North America is between me and Tony and Carmela.

New Jersey blows.

I want to go to Berkeley so bad.

The whole East, I can't deal anymore.

So we don't sleep till after the SATs.

CHARMAINE: Don't mind the mess. I wasn't expecting company.

I couldn't wait.
I had to see the new house.

- Where's King Arthur?
- Downstairs. This plumbing!

- Here?
- Yeah.

Oh, I love the coziness.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Well, the school district, anyway.

Carm, you did not have to do this.

I mean, we don't see each other like we used to...

I want that to change.

- Could this be Artie Bucco?
- Hey, capitano!

The place looks good.

It needs a little work, but we'll get there.

You need some cash until the insurance on the restaurant comes...

There'll be an Italian president before I see any insurance money.

I thought that was settled.

Join the club. They're doing a second arson investigation.

They think you're Mobbed up?
You're a working stiff.

It doesn't make any sense. Who would burn down a perfectly good restaurant?

It's stupid.

Insane.

- Sorry, Artie.
- Life goes on, no?

I could always be a plumber, no?

Only one concept to master:
sh1t runs downhill.

Yes, it does. Come in the kitchen.
I'll buy you a beer.

- Mr. Soprano.
- Mr. Teittleman.

- My pleasure.
- Have a seat.

- Thank you.
- Silvio you know.

Paulie.

How are you?

This is my son.

Does he have a name?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's Hillel.

You know about my daughter and her husband?

Yeah, he knows.

Do you have a daughter, Mr. Soprano?

Yes. Call me Tony.

What would you do if she was abused by her husband?

Talk to him.

Yeah, in ball-peen hammer.

I think you understand my anger.

He's harming my daughter, and he's mocking our laws of marriage.

Look, let's understand each other from the get-go here, okay?

I'm in waste management.

I'm only here because I'm Silvio's friend, you're Silvio's friend.

You may be having a problem I can help you with.

If I can do it, that will make me happy.

Ha!

What's your problem, Hil?

Please finish.

You're being shaken down for % of your motels.

Correct.

The goon squads who smacked these husbands around to get the divorce...

...were put out of business by the D.A.

All right, %.
He wants , we get .

I don't understand.

I'm not talking to you.

You get me what I want, Mr. Soprano, and you have a deal.

It's done.

You let them in our motel, you'll never get them out.

That's a commercial, isn't it?

Julio, before lunch I want you to do bedding inventory.

Half-hour, and no cervezas, please.

[RINGS BELL]

Yes, may I help you?

That depends. Are you Ariel?

That also depends. Are you a bill collector?

What is this, the Catskills? Shecky Greene we got here.

Let's talk about your father-in-law.

I'm sorry. He's not here.

We know he's not here.

But we want to talk to you about him and you. And him.

This problem that you're having.

Look, I don't know who you are...

...but any problem I may be having with my family is none of your matter.

So get out of here.

No, no, look.
Shlomo is a friend of mine.

And you're bragging this?

This guy...

You couldn't possibly understand what's going on here.

Shlomo is an arrogant, ignorant control freak.

Look, I know him since before I had hair on my pitzl. I made this place.

The flyers, the car rental drop-off, the business breakfast.

It was me, not him.

So I sweated blood into this place, and he owes me.

And I intend to get what's mine.

So, please, don't embarrass yourself any further. Just leave.

I'm not embarrassed. You embarrassed?

Listen to me, you weirdo f*ck.

You give Shlomo whatever he wants and you forget this % sh1t.

You got nothing coming to you.
Understand me? Nothing!

f*ck you!

Bupkes. Say bupkes, Paulie.

That's how they say "nothing."

f*ck that.
This is how I say "nothing."

[BELL RINGS]

How's that for nothing?

- You know what?
TONY: Probably not.

The fundraiser for Pediatric Hospital?

I'm gonna hire Artie and Charmaine to cater it.

Since when do we open our house to strangers?

Oh, you're right. Let's just move back to Italy.

We'll live in a hill town like our ancestors, put a wall around it...

...and throw burning oil on all travelers that knock at the gate.

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYS]

Come on!

Poor Charmaine. I tried to find nice things to say about that house.

Ain't that bad. Just needs a little work, that's all.

Those two are so broke.
And that fire.

If that insurance would get off its ass.

- Could it have been arson?
- What's the matter with you?

Hey!

I can't believe you guys didn't get enough for us.

Yeah, put Matt on.

[KNOCKING]

Hold on.

What's going on?
You trying to damage your inner ears?

We're studying.

These are practice tests and they're brutal.

Your parents know you're here, cacciatore?

- They don't care.
- She's sleeping over.

Can Hunter please sleep over?

Start sleeping, then.
Study time's over.

We still have six more chapters left.

Then can you keep the decibel level down, please? For my husband.

Matt, I'm serious, you guys.

If we can't score some crystal, we're dead.

With this budget, we can do three waiters for the hors d'oeuvres...

...two for the champagne.

It's such a load off.
This party has me at sixes and sevens.

Pediatric Hospital's such a worthy cause.

Oona!

There's fingerprints on the breakfront.
I want this place to sparkle.

She's usually very good. From Poland.

COP ON TV:
Please get in the car, sir.

Like the cop would be calling him "sir" if the cameras weren't around.

I saw this one.

Then call Tony so he can call Junior...

...and see if we can change the channel.

Get that, will you, babe?

Sure. I'm the only one who has to go to work.

CHRIS: Yeah, restaurant hostess.
Real tough work.

It's your little cousin.

- What's up?
- How are you?

- What are you doing here?
- Hello to you too.

Hunter, what are you doing?

Don't mind him. His brain is fried.

You want a soda or something?

- How about a beer?
- Yeah, right.

Just kidding. I'll have a Coke if you have one.

What do you want, Meadow?

She wants something from me.

In your dreams, Brendan.

So, what do you want?

I wanna cop.

[COUGHS]

ADRIANA: Here you go.

What do you mean, "cop"?

Score. We want to score some crystal.

You got money?

- You ain't giving them sh1t.
- Why not?

Your father'll put a bullet in my head.

Since when do you take speed, anyway?

She doesn't. I need it to study.

CHRIS: Yeah, right. Hunter needs it.

Forget about it. No f*cking way.

What?

He just craves attention.

Just thought I'd ask you before we went to Jefferson Avenue.

Those melanzane will rob you, rape you and leave you on the road.

What do you see in him?

Money. What do you think?

f*ck you.

- See you, Christopher.
- I got my own money.

What about me?
Nobody's gonna say goodbye to me?

CHRIS:
Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye, guys.

You can't let her go to Jefferson Avenue. They'll sell her Ajax.

She won't go there. She just wants me to give her some speed.

Isn't it better if she gets it from you with all that poison around?

Kids. You think you can protect them.

But you can't.

TV NARRATOR: With the rainy season, chicks alter their eating habits.

TONY: Are you watching that nature sh1t again?

What are you doing here?

My kid stepped on a nail.
I had to get him a shot.

Yeah, where is he?

At the ER with Carmela.

So whatever happened with the Jew at the motel?

They reached out to him, he wasn't receptive.

They're going back.

- Want me to leave?
- Just looking for my nurse's pen.

You got the wrong room because you are not my nurse.

I know, but I made up the bed.

No, sweetheart. I have not been out of this bed all day.

- Sorry, I need to check some vitals...
- What are you doing?

That seems to be working fine.

Nobody sends flower arrangements like New York.

Let me just check his...

NURSE: Oh!

This damn IV.

Damn!

I got it.

I seem to be having a problem. Do you mind if I borrow one of your gowns?

TONY: It's okay. It's a private party.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Have a nice night.

Oh, Madonna!

[JACKIE LAUGHS]

I got you, you prick!
You should've seen your face!

- You prick!
TONY: "I haven't been out of bed."

Look at your face.

Who the hell is this?

Relax, Mr. Aprile.
It's time for your sponge bath.

TONY: She's a friend of mine from the club. Nice girl.

I joined them later on.
We got a little booze.

You were nice to have a party for your friend.

Yeah.

TONY: "Tufts Medical School."

You're a doctor.

What do you think? About Jackie?

I'd have to know more about his condition.

I told you about his condition.
He's got cancer.

What kind of cancer?

It's in the intestines.

There was a tumor and they took it out.

And it's recurred.

But you said he might go home.
They're not operating?

It's next to something vital.

- I see.
- You see?

From what you're saying, it doesn't sound good.

From what I'm saying?

What do I know? I'm not a doctor.

- You're angry. Who with?
- I'll tell you.

This man has had chemo every day for three weeks.

He still has every last hair on his head.

Every last hair on his head, and he's got a beautiful head of hair.

So don't tell me how it sounds.
You don't know him or me...

...or what you're talking about.

We're getting closer to you confronting your true feelings...

...about what's really going on.

Wait a minute.
I just told you my true feelings.

You tell me what's really going on.

The tree in the painting rotted out, you said.

Nothing indicates that.

I knew that was a f*cking scam.

I knew that painting was a f*cking scam!

You remember your dream? The ducks?

It took on another meaning.

What happens to a tree that's rotted out?

Trees, ducks.
What are you? Ranger Rick?

Some job you shrinks got.
You think everybody's lying...

...while you're pulling scams on them!
f*ck you!

There's definites.
We got another maybes...

...plus the whole Pediatric Hospital Board.

Right.

Are you sure we ordered enough champagne?

Right.

Gene says they shouldn't be too sober for the auction.

If anyone ever finds out you got this from me...

Look at me. This is no joke.

We don't always get along, but you don't want to see me dead.

I gotta call Hunter.
You're the best.

Hey, I'm serious. Just this once, okay? I'm no drug dealer.

I don't want to see you get poisoned.
Your father ever finds out...

God, doesn't anyone ever knock?

Tell Brendan that Hunter would rather die than go out with him.

Brendan?

Christopher, keep that asshole away from that child.

He asked me to do him a favor, I did it.

All right, you delivered the message.
Now let Meadow study.

Two goombahs from the old neighborhood.

What, they think they're gonna name it the Soprano Wing in the new hospital?

I think you're just jealous of their money.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Okay, but explain to me this.

He offers us two tickets to the Caribbean out of friendship.

You say no, they're tainted.

But for some party, I take his money to clean his toilets.

First of all, Arthur, this is a paying job and not some cruise.

And why do you always have to exaggerate?

You're not cleaning his toilets.
You're a chef.

Good. So you don't mind that he fronts me money for a new place...

...because he offered.

Look at that face.

Oh, God, don't tell me that you took money from Tony Soprano.

How is it different?
I'm a chef. I need a place to cook.

How? I'm giving Carmela my support, that's how.

And it's for a very reputable cause.

But to have that man as a partner, trust me, that would be insane.

It'd mean the end of everything.

At least he made the gesture.

Name me another person who offered us anything except the Sopranos?

Watch what you're doing.
You're squeezing the quail.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

Should we turn on the air?

It's going okay.
Do you like the food?

I was so busy schmoozing, I barely had a bite.

Don't miss those little veal tonnatos.

Charmaine!

Sure. Wow.

Charmaine!

ARIEL: Not in the car! Please!
Not in the car!

PAULIE: Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up and get in the f*cking car!

Get in there, you miserable f*cking prick!

I can't get used to strangers in my house.

Why'd you invite them?

Try one of these.

You're a f*cking great cook.

I cook like this...

...it reminds me of what I lost.

To have my restaurant ripped from me.
I can't tell you...

It was like losing a limb.

- Sometimes I lay in bed...
- Statti zitto! Enough already.

Forget about the past.
Look to the future.

I'm sick of hearing of your restaurant.
Shut up, you depressing jerk!

What the f*ck do you know about it?

You m*therf*cker.

[CHUCKLING]

TONY: You f*cking jerk!

Come on. Give it up.

[LAUGHING]

TONY: See what you get when you...

[ARIEL GROANS]


PAULIE: f*cking son of a bitch!

- Get up, you stubborn f*ck.
- Please!

Too late. All this because you won't say yes to a divorce?

It's not that simple!

Why not? You sign your f*cking name to a piece of paper!

I don't like you.

Well, I don't like you. You believe this prick?

What do I get, huh? You work for nothing? I don't think so!

I say we force-feed him his sombrero.

She wants to go to Israel, I send her. I pay.

I feed her, I clothe her, I put a roof over her head.

I worked for her father for years and took his abuse.

So I get nothing?

- Stand up!
- We don't care.

Tough f*cking luck, ain't it, pal?

You mother...!

Silvio!

[ARIEL GROANS]

m*therf*cker.

This guy's a bull.

Paulie, if we don't kill this prick...

...we should put him to work.

[IRINA GIGGLES]

[TONY GRUNTS]

Time's a-wasting.

I was lucky I could get out at all with that party tonight.

[PHONE RINGS]

sh1t!

- Hello.
SILVIO [ON PHONE]: Tony.

Sorry to bother you.
This isn't working out how we hoped.

With our friend with the funny sideburns.

Don't say no more on the phone.

I'm coming down.

sh1t!

I gotta go.

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

You just got here.

Yeah, I know, but I gotta go.

[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

What's that painting mean to you?

Nothing. It just reminds me of David Hockey.

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

You want something to munch on?

TONY: Are you kidding me?

Most guys I know would be happy to get rid of their wife.

I tried explaining the realities here.

This guy's as stubborn as a f*cking mule.

He says it's principle.

I think we gotta... you know.
That's why we called you.

TONY: I promised the father-in-law I wouldn't.

I don't know what else to do.

You're a stupid fucker, you know that?

I've heard it said.

What are you, proud of it?

You kill me and a dark cloud goes over Shlomo's house.

Either way, they'll be no get unless restitution is made.

You really would let me kill you, you sick f*ck.

You ever heard of the Masada?

For two years, Jews held their own...

...against , Roman soldiers.

They chose death before enslavement.

And the Romans, where are they now?

You're looking at them, asshole.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

...I fear no evil for Thou art with me.

Yeah, hold that thought.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah?

I'm with my non-shellfish-eating friend, and I'm tapped out.

This guy won't listen to reason.

Didn't I tell you, huh?

I warned you to keep away from them.

He left me no options.

He's willing to go down with the ship.

Here's a thought.

Maybe he's willing to go to the world to come...

...but if he's stuck here on this earth...

...I know one thing that no man wants to go through life without.

What?

Oh.

That's a brilliant idea.

Make like a mohel, huh?

Finish his bris.

Yeah.

Paulie, get the ball cutters from out of the truck.

Ariel, we're going to plan B.

The phone has been ringing all morning.

The Rotellis, the Trillos. He has to do with computers.

They're wonderful. She invited us to brunch.

- Really?
- Yep.

But it was the food, Mainie.
Everybody raved about it.

Cynthia said, "I love those rice balls," like she never had arancini before.

Really, Mainie, I couldn't have done it without you.

It meant so much to me, having you here.

It just made it so much fun for me.

Mainie, is something wrong?
You got something on your mind?

What could be wrong?

Listen, sweetie.

It may not seem like it right now, but you'll get back on your feet again.

Carmela, I'm fine where I am.

I know. That's not what I meant.

Carmela, I never wanted to tell you this.

It happened so long ago.
You and Tony weren't even married.

It's probably silly for me to even bring it up now.

What?

You were at the shore with your parents.

You and Tony were on the outs.
He called me.

He did?

One thing led to another, we started dating each other and...

Carmela, I slept with him.

You slept with Tony?

Really, it wasn't for me.

Carmela, what I'm trying to say is, stop worrying about me.

Really. I mean, we both made our choices. I'm fine with mine.

I'd like for you to consider this.

SILVIO: Don't give me that.

TONY: What's going on? Why'd you page me?

This guy's trying to pull some bullshit.

Hey, ZZ Top. The guy gave you the get, didn't he?

But not because of you.
You threatened him with castration.

It was business that brought him around.
He wanted %, you wanted %.

So I split the difference.
I gave him %...

...he gives my daughter the divorce...

- It's business. It worked out.
- You gotta walk with me, Shlomo.

Listen, don't worry.

I'm taking good care of you here.

What's that?

For your considerable trouble. As the Talmud says...

I don't give a sh1t what he says, okay?

You want to give your son-in-law % of the motel?

You go ahead.
It comes out of your end.

Now, we got you your get.
You get us our %. Got it?

My son was right.

You're mud. Godless clay!

I created a living golem!

What the f*ck is a golem?

It's a monster! Frankenstein!

- Get out of here...
- Living dead!

...before I take your asshole son and shove him up your ass!

Shut up!

[SHLOMO SPEAKS IN YIDDISH]

Hey.

Hey, how you doing?

One second.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

I got some good news. We're in the motel business. How do you like that?

Read this.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

. .

They should take my temperature with the other machine.

Paulie broke his hand on the guy's head.

- Digital.
- We're waling on this guy.

- I'm gonna cut his dick off.
- I'll call the nurse.

He's mumbling and praying.
I'm getting his pants off.

They should take my temperature again.

Yeah, yeah, call them.

Poor Jackie.

God has his reasons.

Livia, he looked twice as old as me.

So, what's really on your mind, Corrado?

This Christopher Moltisanti.

Christopher? What about him?

Him and his little friend.

They're slapping me in the face, and they're hiding behind Tony.

Well, Tony always loved Christopher like a son.

And so do I, Junior.

He put up my storm windows for me one year.

Good.

But what do I do?

I just let him and this Filone kid piss on me in public?

And how far do I go before I light a frigging match...

...under that hotheaded son of yours?

Maybe Christopher could use a little talking to.

You know.

The other one...

...Filone?

I don't know.

You got a lot of sense for an old gal.

No, I'm a babbling idiot.

That's why my son put me in a nursing home.

He didn't even care I was there.

It was just him and that f*cking cancer.

It's like he's already gone.

Yes.

Ah.

[SIGHS]

Somebody called me a Frankenstein today.

Really?

This Hasid I'm doing business with.

These Hasids, I mean, they're out there...

...but they got their beliefs, you know?

They're not afraid of death.
This one guy wasn't.

Maybe they have the belief because they are afraid.

I'm not afraid of death.

Not if it's for something.

You know? A war, something like that.

A reason.

But Jackie...

To see this strong...

...beautiful man...

...just wither away to nothing...

And you can't do nothing about it.

You can't fight it.

You envy the Hasids and their beliefs?

All this sh1t's for nothing?

If it's for nothing, why must I think about it?

That's the mystery, isn't it?

The mystery of God, or whatever you want to call it...

...and why we're given the questionable gift...

...of knowing that we're gonna die.

[SNIFFS]

Do you feel like Frankenstein?

A thing?

Lacking humanity?

Lacking human feelings?

[KIDS SINGING]

[SINGING]

Thank you. That's for you.

Say hello to Freddy, all right?

Let go!

[SINGING CONTINUES]

Let me go!

Let me go!

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

You're friends of Tony's goomar, right?

Meadow wanted the crystal.

If I didn't get it to her, she would've went to Jefferson.

You tell Tony.
They would've beat her and raped her!

I don't want to die now!

I didn't mean it. I am sorry!

Listen to me!
I was trying to save her!

Listen to me! You speak English?

Don't shoot me! Don't shoot!

[GUN CLICKS]

[MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

[GROANS]

f*ck!

[SINGING]

[SINGING]

[SINGING]

Hi, Jack. Bye, Jack.

[WATER SPLASHES]

[SINGING]