01x02 - Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding?

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend

Oh, great, great, wonderful!
My daughter is lost!

I'm just terrible at giving directions!

- I gave Kate the directions over the phone.
- And who are you, Rand McNally?

You couldn't make a mistake?

Shall I set this down someplace?

No, Rose, go to the corner and open a stand!

- Dorothy...
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm so anxious about meeting this guy that Kate's bringing.

Do you think it's serious?

Well, they've been together now for six months.

That's the longest she's been interested in any man since Paul McCartney.

Kate dated Paul McCartney?

Yes, Rose.

They wanted to get engaged, but I insisted that she finish grade school.

Do you know anything about this boy's family background?

- All I know is that he's a doctor.
- A doctor!

The heck with his background!

Do you have any idea how much a doctor makes these days?

No, I really don't care what he does for a living.

I mean, the important thing is that he and Kate have a good relationship.


'Course if they happen to get married, I will shout from every rooftop in Miami, "My son-in-law's a doctor!"

- Hi, Mom!
- Oh, baby!

Oh, it is so good to see you!
Oh, look everybody, look who's here!

- You look glorious!
- Where is he? Where's your doctor?

Dennis is at a seminar.
I'll bring him by tomorrow.

- I can't find my culottes!
- Grandma, you look sensational!

Relax, relax, you're already in the will!

Before anyone does anything, I have a big announcement to make.

As my mother has undoubtedly already told you and the rest of Miami, for the past six months, I've been seeing a doctor named Dennis.

That's your big announcement? You call your doctor by his first name?

Ma, Ma, he's her boyfriend.
He just happens to be a doctor, OK?

Fine! What's the point?

The day after tomorrow, Dennis and I are flying to the Bahamas

- and we're getting married.
- Oh, that's terrific!

- Oh! That's so exciting!
- Oh, I can't, I can't believe it!

Oh, I am so happy!
My daughter is marrying a doctor!

In the Bahamas.

- You are getting married in the Bahamas?
- This is fabulous.

I always wanted to go to the Bahamas!
Now where the hell are my culottes?

Oh, Kate, Kate, honey, I have always dreamed of giving you a wedding!

Ever since I had your overbite fixed.

Don't you think it would be awkward, with you and Dad not talking?

Now just a minute! I am not the one who ran off to Maui with someone half my age and twice my bra size!

You see what I mean? That's why we're getting married in the Bahamas.

You are not getting married on an island by a priest wearing clam diggers and a Harry Belafonte shirt!

You'll get married right here in Miami.

Kate, I could put together a lovely reception here at the house.

And I could take care of the catering!

I have always dreamed of wearing a long, white gown and marching down the aisle on my father's arm.

Who said anything about inviting your father?

It wouldn't be much of a wedding without both of my parents there.

Even if we got live doves?

- Mother!
- Oh, all right, honey.

Your wedding day should be the most beautiful day of your life.

And if you want to invite your father, I'm willing to keep the peace.

- Promise?
- Promise.

Then it's settled. Now call your father and tell the dirt bag he can come.

Forget it, Mom.
I can just as easily limbo down the aisle.

Relax honey. I just want to get it all out of my system before he gets here.

- Now go ahead, call him.
- I'll call him. You talk to him.

All right. If I can get through an entire wedding with him, I should be able to handle a simple phone conversation with that yellow-bellied sleazeball!

Hello, Stan? Dorothy... Dorothy Zbornak...

The one who gave you the best years of her thighs.

Yes, I'm fine, fine...

Yeah, it has been a long time.

Yeah, well, you know, after two years, I figured you weren't coming back.

I'll tell you the reason I'm calling you - Kate is getting married.

Yes, married...
Yes, yes, in a few days, and I'm giving her a little wedding here in Miami and I wanted to invite you.

Can you come?
You can? Great.

Oh, Chrissy can't, oh...

Oh, I'm so sorry...

Oh, really? No, I didn't know that could happen from a tanning machine.

Oh, she'll be thrilled to see you too!
She's standing right here. Hold on.

- Dorothy, you were magnificent!
- You certainly were! How did you do it?

I just kept telling myself that once he was here, he'd be close enough to kill.

I can't believe Stan has the nerve to show his face at this wedding!

The man has a right to see his daughter get married!

- I never should have called him.
- You never should have married him!

- Hi, hi, hi!
- Oh, hi, Blanche.

Are my little wedding elves still busy packing their tiny bundles?

Wedding elves.

It's that cheap hair dye she uses.
It finally ate through!

- No, we're doing fine, Blanche.
- Oh, no, honey!

- You're using too much rice!
- Fine! This elf quits!

I never understood why people throw rice at weddings anyway.

Because tomatoes leave stains.

Could I talk to you two ladies in the living room, please?

I have some very distressing news. Sophia's been pilfering cheese balls.


This morning, I made cheese balls.
There are now .


Hi, Mom!
Mom, this is...

Don't tell me! Don't tell me!
It's Dennis! Oh, my God, he's beautiful!

- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Oh, flowers!

Oh, my! You know, your father used to bring me tulips every time we had a fight.

Toward the end, our place looked like Easter in Rotterdam.

It's good to see that you're not bitter.

Everybody, I'd like you to meet my future son-in-law.

This is Dennis, the gorgeous doctor!

Dennis, I'd like you to meet my best friends. This is Rose.

- Hello, Rose.
- That's Blanche.

How do you do?

And that's Sophia.
That's Kate's grandma.

You got your stethoscope?
I wouldn't mind a freebie!

Grandma, Dennis doesn't have a stethoscope.

Of course not.
He's on vacation!

That's not what I mean -
Dennis is a podiatrist.

Oh, oh, a foot doctor.

Ah, why don't we all sit down.

- Not there, not there.
- Oh...

Well, a podiatrist.
Well, that's a very fascinating profession.

Tell me, Dennis, approximately how many feet do you see in a week?

Between my partners and me, we see quite a few.

- Oh, it's a partnership.
- Have you ever met Dr. Scholl?

Let's get to the point!
What do you take home a week?


It's all right, I understand.
Sophia, I am crazy about Kate and I promise you she will never want for anything.


I told you he was special.
Do you think Dad'll like him?

Of course!
As long as he stays young and firm.

Oh, Dennis, it's going to be a pleasure welcoming you into our little family!

And I just hope that you and Kate have all the happiness in the world!

Me too. And maybe one of your children will be a real doctor!


Hi, it was really...


Dorothy, it's Stan. Didn't you recognize me?

Of course I recognized you. That's why I slammed the door in your face.

- Still the jokester, huh?
- Yes.

And speaking of jokes, Stan, that is some toupee you've got.

- Oh.
- Oh, Rose.

I'd like you to meet my ex-husband, Stan Zbornak.

- Hello.
- And this is his hair.

It's a pleasure to meet you both.

Hello. Who invited Donny Osmond?

- Ma, this is Stan.
- Hello, Sophia.

It's the hair.
It makes me look different.

- It makes you look stupid.
- Oh, hello there.

Stan, I'd like you to meet my friend Blanche.


- Daddy?
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Hello, princess!

- Oh, you look absolutely beautiful!
- I'm so glad you're here!

- Thank you for coming.
- Don't thank me. Thank your mother.

There aren't too many women around who could swallow their pride after what went down between us.

You're awesome, babe. Absolutely awesome.


We better get to the church.
Don't you think so?

- Yeah.
- Uh...

Grandma, why don't you come with me and Daddy.

Come on, Sophia. It'll be fun.
We can catch up with old times.

No, we can't.
I had a stroke.

Luckily, my memories of you were wiped out!

- See ya.
- Bye.

Dorothy, are you all right?

Oh, she's a trouper. She'll be fine.
Won't you, Dorothy?

Not until I taste his blood!

Now, you don't mean that.
I want you to take a deep breath and think pleasant thoughts. Come on, now. One, two, three.

I'm not going!

Your daughter's getting married!

I cannot be in the same room with him!

I know I'll do something crazy and just ruin the whole wedding!

Blanche and I'll be right beside you.
Nothing can happen.

- I cannot do it!
- All right! I've heard enough!

We are talking about your daughter's wedding, Dorothy Zbornak!

Now you get on your feet, get out that door! March!

Oh, all right.
All right, I'm going.

But if anything awful happens, it's on your heads!

Oh, she's really upset.
We better keep an eye on her.

You're right. We better stick to her like a tight shirt on a sweaty farmhand!

You know the type, with the big biceps and the hairy chest, just glistening in the hot sun...

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

- Dorothy.
- Oh, Dorothy! Oh, that's right!

I'm not saying this because she is my daughter, but she was the best Abraham Lincoln the third grade ever saw.

No, when she freed the second grade, there was not a dry eye in the house.

Somehow I just can't picture Kate as Abraham Lincoln.

Oh, Stan, do me a favor? Take off your hair and hold it up to Kate's chin.

- Mother, you promised!
- I know, I know. Just ignore me, Stan.

It should be easy.
You've had plenty of practice.

Princess, before I forget, I want to invite you and Dennis to come spend some time with Chrissy and me in our new house in Maui.

- That sounds great!
- Yeah, yeah, it's primo!

Listen, I have some pictures.
Take a look at that stretch of beach, huh?

That's our house.
That's Chrissy on a new Hobie Cat.

That's Chrissy in a hot tub.
That's me and Chrissy at a luau.

Is she the one with the apple in her mouth?


You know, she looks pretty good for being in the ground for two hours.

- Rose, Rose, what are you doing?
- Watching the cheese balls.

- You're supposed to be watching Dorothy!
- I was watching Dorothy!

But every time I watch her, Sophia eats a cheese ball.

Honey, let her have the darn cheese balls.
Nobody else wants them!

- Cheese ball, Father?
- Oh, yes, thank you very much.

Now I know what I'm giving up for Lent!

Stanley, would you be a dear and get me some champagne?

It's always a pleasure to get a drink for an attractive woman.

I'll get one for you too, Dorothy.

Would you excuse us?

Have you ever met a man who knows how to push all your buttons?

Just once.
He was a cabana boy in Pensacola.

I am never going to get through this.
I just hate him too much.

- I know I'm gonna do something crazy!
- You just simmer down, missy.

Sit down here.
I want to talk to you, Dorothy.

Listen, I know this isn't easy for you, so...

I'm gonna let you in on a sorority secret that was passed on to me at Miss MacGyver's Finishing School.

Now, whenever you feel you're about to lose control, just take my hand and give it a little squeeze.

I guarantee you'll feel % better.

And that's the big secret?

Oh, no! The big secret was that Miss MacGyver and Miss McKinney were sharing a one-bedroom apartment off campus.

Oh, will you...

Here you go, ladies. Dorothy, would you like some hors d'oeuvres?

- No, thank you, Stan.
- Blanche, would you care for something?

Doesn't look like you're fighting the battle of the bulge.

Oh, ow, ow.
No, thank you, Stan.

Well, then, I'd like to make a toast.
Your attention please, everybody.

To my son-in-law and my daughter - may she be as happy with her new life mate as I am with mine.

Hear, hear!

Blanche, don't you think it's time we cut the cake?

Oh, yes, I do, Rose!

Who invited the priest? You know I can't cut loose with a priest around.

Sophia, he happens to be a very nice man.

He gives me the creeps. He's been following me.

They always follow the old people.

It's like parking tickets.
They got a last rites quota.

Sophia, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.

Buzz off, Padre.

- Rose, where's Dorothy?
- I don't know. She was here a minute ago.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, my God!

- Give me that knife!
- What are you doing?

I can't let you go through with this!

Do you want to spend the rest of your life rotting away in some disgusting jail cell, bribing screws for cigarettes and toilet paper?

Rose, in Miami, it is not a felony to cut the wedding cake!

Cut the wedd...

Oh, I thought you were gonna stab Stan.

Don't be ridiculous!
Do you honestly believe

I would stab Stan at my own daughter's wedding?

- Oh, no, I guess not.
- Well, of course not!

I would wait until after the wedding.
There are too many witnesses.

No, no!

- Kidding...
- Oh, don't do that to me!

- What are you doing?
- I just want to be by myself for awhile.

- It's time to throw rice at the kids.
- I don't think I can go back out there.

- You're acting like a jerk.
- Thanks, Ma. Thanks.

That really makes me feel a lot better.

Don't get smart with your mother!
Listen, Dorothy, I love you dearly, but you're not the first woman to be dumped by her husband.

Oh, Ma, Ma, it's not what he did.
I mean, I've learned to live with that.

It's the way he did it.

The least he could have done was tell me to my face.

If you're so angry with him, tell him.
You don't have to kill him.

I know. But I want to.

Dorothy, anger is a lot like a piece of shredded wheat caught under your dentures.

If you leave it there, you get a blister and you gotta eat Jell-O all week.

If you get rid of it, the sore heals, and you feel better.

Anger is like a piece of shredded wheat?

You want poetry, you listen to Neil Diamond.

You want good advice?
You listen to your mother.

Maybe you're right.

Of course I'm right.
You think I got this old by being stupid?

You know, you're the greatest mother in the world.

Tell me something I don't know.

(overlapping chatter

Well, Mother, I guess this is it.

Goodbye, sweetheart!

Now listen, you be a good wife, you hear?

Be his friend, be his lover.
Don't be his slave.

Mom, Mom, we'll talk when I get back.
Thank you for everything.

- I love you.
- Oh, I love you too.

And I love you too, Dennis!

Goodbye, Dorothy.

Listen, don't take any guff from her, you hear? But take good care of her.

Because if you don't, I'll kill you, you know that.

Oh, OK, everybody out!
Goodbye, out!


- Bye!
- Be happy! Be happy!

I really...

Dorothy, it was great.
Thanks for the hospitality.

- Sophia, girls, take care.
- Oh, Stan, just a minute.

I'd like to talk to you.

Well, sure, OK.

Let's go where we can have some privacy.

Have a seat.

What can I do for you?

The first thing you can do is get rid of that ridiculous toupee.

I want to speak to the bald guy who left me.

Ow! What's the matter with you?

- You walked out on me, Stanley Zbornak!
- Now I know why.

You walked out on me and you didn't have the decency to tell me you were leaving.

I heard it from some lawyer over the telephone.

A stranger, Stanley, a total stranger, told me that my marriage was over.

- Dorothy, look, things happened.
- Things happened?

You're damn right things happened.
years happened.

years of sharing and crying and dreaming and fighting and loving and children and diapers and school plays and Little League.

And worrying if you'd get through your gallbladder surgery.

And wondering if I'd get through another Sunday dinner at your mother's house.

And the lean years, when the business failed.

And the good years, and the happy Christmases.

All those things happened.
And because they happened, I deserved better than a stinking phone call from my husband's legal representative.

You had a choice and you took the easy way out.

And it was a rotten thing to do!

But now you're here in front of me and you can't run away.

And I finally get to have what you tried to cheat me out of.

I finally get to say goodbye, Stanley.

- Look, Dorothy, we...
- I said goodbye, Stanley.

Honey, we just saw Stanley leaving.
Are you all right?

- I'm fine.
- I wouldn't be fine!

I don't know what I'd have done if Charlie had suddenly paid a visit!

He's dead!
You would have fainted!

Are you...
Are you really all right?

I'm feeling a little better.

And tomorrow you're gonna feel a lot better.

And the next day, maybe better still.

- And the next day, maybe...
- That's right, Dorothy.

And then one day, Stanley's gonna be out of your life completely.

Not completely.

There will always be a little part of him that stays with me.

Of course, Dorothy. After years, there are always bound to be

- some memories that stay with you.
- I wasn't talking about memories.

I was talking about this.