01x06 - On Golden Girls

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

Why do these things always happen to me?

I'm just a wreck.
I don't know what I'm gonna do!

Blanche, we go through this
every morning.

Now admit it, you have cellulite.

I am not talking about cellulite... which I don't have.

I'm talking about my daughter Janet.
I just got off the phone with her.

- She's having marital troubles.
- Oh, Blanche, I'm so sorry.

But they've decided to try and work things out, so they're going to Hawaii for a second honeymoon.

Sounds like they're trying to work it out.
Why are you upset?

Don't you listen?
She has cellulite.

Those are dimples.

- Dimples are on these cheeks!
- Ma!

I am upset because while they're in Hawaii for two weeks, they're leaving my -year-old grandson with me!

Oh, Blanche, that's wonderful news!
Why, you shouldn't be upset.

No, I should be upset.
How am I supposed to study for my French final with a -year-old in the house?

It's hard enough with an -year-old.

- Are you referring to me?
- Of course not, Ma.

I'm referring to Cary Grant.
He's living in the broom closet.

Hey, it's Blanche's grandson.
We do for family.

You're right. You're right.
I'm just being selfish.

- It probably won't be too bad.
- No, I suppose not.

But whatever will we do with him for two weeks?

There are plenty of things to do down here.

We can take him to Disneyworld, the Seaquarium, the Everglades, Rambo...

- Rambo?
- The movie with Sly Stallone.

I sat through it twice.
You'll love it!

He sweats like a pig and he doesn't put his shirt on!

It's not gonna work.
I'm not sharing my room.

Oh Ma, Ma...
I'm not thrilled with the arrangement either.

But for the two weeks that David is here, we'll make do.

Sure, it's easy for you.
I'm not the one who snores.

I do not snore.

Please! I'll bet less disgusting noises come out of Ernest Borgnine!

I just fixed a special treat for David.

It's the same little after-school snack I used to make for my own son - a triple-decker BLT, a hearty helping of homemade potato salad, and a great big slice of double chocolate fudge cake.

Oh, where was he going after school?
The electric chair?

Oh, girls!

What's the matter?
Where's David?

I don't know where he is.
He wasn't on the plane.

Come on, Dorothy. I'll help you move your things back to your room.

Oh, Ma. Please!

Come on, Blanche.
Now calm down, calm down.

He probably missed the plane.
It can happen to anyone.

- I missed a plane once. And a train...
- Rose, you miss a lot of things.

He got on the plane all right.
I checked with the airline.

You probably just missed each other at the airport.

Dorothy, I was standing there at the gate from the moment the first passenger got off.

I paged him.
I checked with airport security.

- I called the police.
- (doorbell

Oh.

- David! Oh, David!
- Grandma!

- Is this your kid?
- Honey, what happened to you?

It wasn't my fault, I promise.

He stowed away in the airplane lavatory when they landed in Miami and the authorities picked him up in the duty-free shop in Freeport.

- You went to the Bahamas?
- I went to the bathroom!

The next thing I know, I'm in the Bahamas.
I figured while I was there, I'd buy some perfume for you and your friends in the duty-free shop.

- David.
- I'd keep an eye on this one, lady.

Oh, I don't know how to thank you, officer.
But I would like to try.

I'm usually at Wally's for happy hour on Tuesdays.

Blanche!

- Ma'am.
- Bye.

David. I ought to give you a good talking-to, but I'm just so glad you're all right, I'm willing to overlook this little incident.

Come on, I want you to meet my friends.

Hello, David.
I'm Dorothy. This is Rose.

- Hello, David.
- Hey, what's happening?

This is Sophia. Oh, we've just been so anxious to meet you!

Yeah, I'll believe that if you believe the Bahamas story.

You know, David, I went to the Bahamas once.

Oh, yeah? Was it on the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria?

It was a DC- . I don't think it had a name.

Yeah, that's very funny, Rose.
Yeah, I'm gonna grab a bite to eat.

I passed this burger joint around the corner.

Looked like there might be some kids there.

Oh, but David, wait a minute.
You just got here.

- I'd really prefer you to stay.
- I planned a special meal for you, David.

- Tomorrow. I love leftovers.
- Well, what time will you be back?

Hard to say. It depends how late the guys from Miami Vice want to party.

Later!

Well, I don't believe that!

But then what can I expect?
His father's a Yankee.

I guess I should've given him some money.

- You should've given him a smack.
- Ma.

I don't believe in hitting children.

Personally, I like to lay into a kid with a melon baller.

It's got a nice weight, good balance in the hand. And it's portable.

My father used to punish us by sending us to the dairy barn to milk Alice.

- Well, what's so terrible about that?
- You had to milk Alice sitting on a stool.

I thought you always milked a cow sitting on a stool.

No, no. Alice had to sit on a stool.

You see, she was involved in this nasty plowing accident.

It was during spring planting and Daddy had hitched her up to the plow

'cause poor old Toby had gotten a fever and gone deaf...

Rose, Rose, Rose... Sweetheart, save the story.

When David comes back, tell him.
That can be his punishment.

- Ma, what are you doing?
- Living. Pardonnez-moi.

- I just can't study with the noise!
- Fine, I'll stop breathing.

Look, I haven't studied since David arrived.
My test is...

My test is in two weeks and I do not want to blow it.

- You'll pass.
- I don't want to pass. I want an A.

You're the same as you were in grade school - A's.

You always had to get an A.

You're brother thought a book was to sit on.
You always had to get an A.

- Good night.
- Good night, Ma.

If I breathe and it bothers you, put a pillow over my face.

How could I sleep with that racket?

- What racket?
- Your pencil.

- My pencil?
- You're pressing too hard.

It's making me crazy!

I give up.

- Look at me.
- What?

- You're getting a cold.
- No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.
Tomorrow, you'll have a cold.

What is this?
The curse of the catwoman?

- I'm a mother, I know these things.
- Good night, Ma.

Good night.

What's that smell?

I don't smell anything.

Are you wearing something?

A little Ben Gay on my knees.

A little Vicks on my chest.

A little Deep Heat on my neck.

What are you trying to do, pickle yourself so you'll live to be ?

Fine, I'll wipe it off.
Tomorrow, I'll be in a wheelchair.

- Goodnight, Ma.
- Goodnight.

Keep it up, I'll need a Dramamine.

I'm trying to get comfortable.

Not me. You get too comfortable, you don't wake up!

- Goodnight, Ma.
- Goodnight.

(snorting and clearing throat

- Ma.
- What?

That noise.

What noise?

The noise you're making with your nose and throat.

I got a postnasal drip. What would you like me to do, drown in phlegm?

- Good night, Ma.
- Good night.

You know, we haven't slept together since I was a little girl.

Thank God.

I used to get into your bed whenever I had that dream about the bear.

- Yeah. The bear dream.
- I hated that dream.

A bear is eating you. What's to love?

You were so cute. You were always so polite when you woke me.

"Mommy, I'm having a bad dream. Could I come in?"

I felt so safe with you.

Listen, I felt safe with you when you were three.

And you always used to smell from Midnight in Paris perfume.

Better than this, huh?

- It sure was nice.
- It still is.

- Good night, Ma.
- Good night, pussycat.

What in the world is going on here?

David, I said, what in the world is going on here?

I thought you were in bed!

I couldn't sleep, so I went out and got a pizza.

Made a few friends and we decided to have a party.

David, this is an inconvenience. I mean, it is : in the morning.

Now please, ask your fr...

...friends to leave.

Come on, girls.
Relax, loosen up!

Hey, life's too short.
Especially for you guys.

- David!
- I'll get the melon baller.

Take it easy, ladies.
Don't get your support hose in a knot.

That does it! The party is over!
Everybody out, out!

Not you. Out!
It's really been lovely.

And if anything is missing, I will give your names to every narc in this city.

Oh!

David, clean up this mess, then go to bed.

Hey, why don't you clean up the mess yourself?

What's the big deal?
We were just having some fun.

You know that those happen to be my friends you just threw out?

You know, this really stinks.

What am I supposed to do for the next two weeks, just sit around and listen to your arteries harden?

You stop that!

You know something? I am having a real problem with your attitude!

Oh, really? Well, you can all just kiss my attitude!

Ma.

Well, you wouldn't let me get the melon baller, so I improvised.

Is that all you Italians know how to do, scream and hit?

No, we also know how to make love and sing opera.

Mom, you had no right to hit him.

Oh, Blanche, I'm so sorry.
She should not have done that.

Well, I have to go talk to David.
I feel just awful about this.

This is like The Long Day's Journey Into Light.

Night. Rose.

Night, Dorothy.

David, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just that nobody ever hit me before.

I think I should go home.

Honey, you can't go home.
There's nobody there to take care of you.

That's OK. I'd rather be there alone than trapped here with you.

Besides, I can take care of myself.
I've been doing it long enough.

What do you mean?

All Mom and Dad ever do is fight.
They don't even know I exist.

Have you tried telling them how you feel?

- They wouldn't listen.
- I'm listening.

Only because they dumped me on you and you feel you have to.

- No, David.
- You don't have to!

Just leave me alone!

"Trim the hedges, mow the lawn, paint the patio furniture, wash the windows, clean out the garage, scrub the denture cup. "

I added that. I hate doing it.

This is too much.
I can't ask him to do this.

- Of course you can.
- Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

God, I wish I'd said that.

I don't see how doing all these chores is gonna make him feel loved.

Look, Blanche, the one thing that David has never had in his life is structure.

Doing chores will give him a little responsibility.

He might even start feeling good about himself.

And start hating me if I ask him to do all this!

Listen, Blanche, you do what is best for David, not what is easiest for you.

Yeah, we had chores on the farm.
Boys and girls.

When we finished, we had such a feeling of accomplishment.

We had to feed the chickens, slop the hogs, muck the stalls.

Please, I'm trying to eat here!

And after I finished all that, I still had to take care of Larry, my one-eyed pig.

What did you people do, run a farm for handicapped animals?

But you grew up in the country.
David's a city boy.

Oh, wait now, Blanche, come on.
I'm from New York. I did chores.

I made the beds, I washed the dishes, scoured the pots, cleaned the bathroom, folded the laundry, took out the garbage.

My, my.
Did you attend a m*llitary school?

No, she lived with me.

- Did they have chores in Sicily?
- Are you kidding?

They invented chores in Sicily.

Crossing the street without getting pregnant was a chore in Sicily.

- Rose, never mention Sicily.
- Oh...

I guess when I was little, I didn't have to do anything.

And I raised my daughter the same way.

So that's why David is the way he is now.
So it's all my fault!

Oh, now, Blanche.
You can't blame yourself for David.

You're right.
It's my mother's fault.

I am gonna give this list to David and see that he starts right away.

How is it possible to get pregnant in Sicily just by crossing the street?

- Cheap Chianti and narrow streets.
- Oh...

If you wait a couple of minutes, I'll make you some sandwiches.

- Where you going?
- I don't know.

How you getting there?

- I'll take a bus.
- I see.

And when the bus gets to you-don't-know-where,

- what will you do then?
- Get a job.

- Really?
- Yeah.

As what, Secretary of State?

- I gotta go.
- So you're just gonna wimp out, huh?

- I'm not wimping out.
- What do you call this?

Why should I stay here when I got all this crappy stuff to do?

And no one likes me anyway.

You know, first of all, buddy boy, life is full of crappy stuff to do.

It's everywhere, so you better get used to it.
The President has crappy stuff to do.

Second of all, your grandmother happens to like you. My mother likes you.

She doesn't hit anyone unless she really cares. Take it from me.

And I happen to like you.

- My life stinks.
- I know.

Things are tough at home and that really does stink.

But you have a choice.

You can tough it out or you can let it b*at you.

But right now you're here, and this doesn't have to stink.

And if you stay and work at it and everything turns out, you'll have a place to visit when the things at home really get to stink.

- I just can't, like, come here whenever.
- You can just, like, come here whenever.

Well, I don't mind the gardening.
But it's, like, the vacuuming I hate.

- That's, like, for girls.
- Well, we can renegotiate.

I'll do the vacuuming if you'II, like, learn English.

Come on, I'll fix you something to eat.

All right, now, attention, everyone.
I want to propose a toast.

To Dorothy Zbornak, who got an A in her French class, proving that you can teach an old dog new tricks.

- And if anyone knows about tricks...
- Ma!

Thank you, ladies and gentleman.

Or should I say, merci beaucoup. mes amies.

Oh, my, that was impressive!

Jane Goodall once taught an ape to rhumba - that's impressive!

Now, I would like to propose a toast.

To David, who in the past week has proven that he is one damn good kid.

Hear, hear.

You know, it's really been interesting.

I got hit, did chores, learned all about handicapped animals.

All in all, it hasn't been half-bad.

And if it's all right with you, I wouldn't mind living here full-time.

I would certainly have to discuss that with your parents.

Oh, Mom and Dad will say yes.
They'll be as happy with the idea as I am.

Well, I'm gonna get some ice cream.

Wait up! I'll show you where I hide the good stuff.

Call his mother!

- Blanche, what are we gonna do?
- Do you think I should call his mother?

- I really think you should.
- All right, I will.

I don't want to send him back to an unhappy home, but we're grandmothers.

It wouldn't be fair to be this old and have to raise children.

Hello, baby, it's Mama!
Well, I'm fine, honey, I'm just fine.

I'm calling you about David.
No, he's fine.

Matter of fact, he's so happy here, Janet, that...

...I've decided to keep him and raise him myself.

You heard me. He says that you and Michael spend so much time arguing, that you don't have time for him.

Don't you take that tone with me, missy.

Yes, I realize you're his mother...

No, I don't suppose I can stop you if you insist on coming and getting him.

But you let me tell you this.
If you and Michael don't straighten up and give that boy the love and attention he deserves,

I will kick your uppity butt till hell won't have it again!

She'll call us right back.
She has to wake up the Yankee.

- Well done, Blanche.
- Oh, absolutely. Nice bluff.

That was no bluff.
I meant every word of it.

I would love to have a chance to raise David.

I might make up for the mess I made with Janet.

I still wish you'd let us drive you to the airport.

Oh, my cab's already here.
Besides, I've seen the way you all drive.

Oh!

I'm gonna miss you guys.

It was nice of your folks to let you join them in Hawaii.

Yeah, they've never ignored me on an island before.

David, you listen to me.
They want the three of you to start over from scratch, so the least you can do is meet them halfway.

- I'll try.
- I bet it'll be easier than you think.

Especially now that you have an alternative.

If things get too tough at home, you can always come here and live with us.

- Well...
- Bye, Grandma.

Bye, honey.

- Dorothy.
- Bye, love.

Rose.

See ya, slugger.

Bye, darling. Bye.

Run, run, run! Go.

Oh, I hope he's gonna be all right.

Oh, Dorothy that was so sweet of you, telling him he could come live with us.

I meant it!

It's gonna be awfully quiet around here without him.

I'll say. No more listening to Dorothy snore!

Ma, I do not snore!

Please, I had to turn you from the window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!