01x07 - The Competition

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

Ma, what smells so great?

Nothing. Just a little spaghetti sauce I threw together.

Oh, come on.
This is your special -hour sauce.

- What's the occasion?
- Nothing.

Oh, come on.

You haven't made this sauce since Uncle Dominic married off that daughter of his. You know, the one who looks like Tony Bennett?

Now tell me what's going on. Mmm.

I told you, nothing.

Oh, Sophia, that smells heavenly!
Is it Chef Boyardee?

Stick it in my heart, Rose.
It'll hurt less.

Oh, girls! I cannot believe how extravagant I've been!

It cost too much money, but when I saw it in the window, I had to have it.

- What?
- Look at this.

What do you think about that?

It's hard to tell, Blanche.
We'd need to see both earrings on.

You silly.

I bought it to help Rose and me win the bowling tournament this year.

You think you have a sh*t at the trophy?

I thought the Nielsen twins were unbeatable.

I don't really care whether we win or not. I just like to have fun.

And we sure had a good time last year, didn't we, partner?

It was OK.

You know, maybe I should get a partner and enter that tournament.

I used to be a pretty decent bowler.

Decent bowler? You were a fabulous bowler - average.

- ?
- Come on.

Come on, Ma, you were always a better bowler than I was.

I know. I do everything better than you.

Mmm. If this sauce was a person,

I'd get naked and make love to it.
God, I love you.

Hey, Ma? Ma, you know that doubles bowling tournament is next weekend.

What do you say you and I team up and enter, huh?

No, I can't. I'm too busy.

I'm sure I could find you a partner, Dorothy.

You're too busy doing what?

Here.

"Will be in Miami Thursday.
Hope to see you.

Respectfully yours, Augustine Bagatelli. "
Who is Augustine Bagatelli?

Nobody. Just a boy I knew from my village in Sicily...

...that I was engaged to once.
- What?

Well, what do you know? Sophia has a past!

That's right, but unlike yours, I didn't need penicillin to get through it.

Ma, you never told me you were engaged. What happened?

The w*r happened.

Augustine went off to fight and I never heard from him again until today.

I wonder why he looked you up after all this time?

Are you kidding?
He was crazy about me.

I was the only girl in the village who didn't want to be a nun.

Hey, hey, hey!

- How do I look?
- Like a widow in mourning.

Perfect. He'll know I'm available.

- Hi, Dorothy.
- Oh, hi.

Oh, Sophia, did your friend die?

Rose, he hasn't come here yet.

Oh, well, you certainly look black.

Rose, did you get me a partner for the bowling tournament?

- Sure did. You're all signed up.
- (doorbell

- It's him!
- Want me to get it?

No, if he sees me sitting, he'll think I have arthritis!

- Sophia?
- Augustine?

You shrunk!

Hello, I'm Dorothy.
I'm Sophia's daughter.

Augustine Bagatelli.

I'm sure you two have a great deal to catch up on.

Nice to have met you.

Oh, Ma, I'll be right here in the kitchen in case he gets fresh.

Sorry.

So, uh, what's new?

- Not much. You?
- Not much.

My condolences on your husband's passing.

Thank you. I've been in mourning years.

My wife's been dead years. Philomena Del Nero, she was from our village.

Is she the one whose father used to stand outside of town, drink Chianti,

- and play with a top all day?
- Yes.

He lived with us for two years after we get married.

Thank God he drank himself to death.

- You feel like going for a walk?
- Oh, I'd love it!

Thank you, thank you.

This is so cute! I think they're going for a walk.

Rose, get away from that door.

I can't help it. I just think it's amazing that a man would look up his first love after all these years.

Well, I wonder why Italian men are so romantic.

It's the tight pants, Rose.

So who did you sign me up to bowl with?

Oh, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Well, I am stunned!
Just stunned!

Stunned is the only way to describe how... stunned I am!

Just a minute, just a minute, Blanche.

Are you trying to tell us... that you are stunned?

Don't you make fun of me, Dorothy Zbornak!

I just saw the signup sheet down at the bowling alley.

Rose dumped me as her partner!

And then the two of you signed up together.

I did it.

Dorothy's a better bowler than you are and I want to win this year!

Rose, how could you do a thing like this?

I admit it. I have a problem.

I'm too competitive when it comes to athletics.

I've never told anybody this, but I had to transfer high schools because of a field hockey incident.

Rose, that was a terrible thing to do, dumping Blanche.

I'm not gonna be your partner.

Oh, no, I want you all to stay partners.

I've already got another partner.
I signed up with Olga Nielsen. Ha-ha.

Olga Nielsen!
Oh, that's impossible!

Olga always bowls with her twin sister Sonja!

That was before Olga found out Sonja's been sleeping with her boyfriend Lars, and not telling him he had the wrong sister.

Oh, Rose Nyland, I can't wait to whip your butt!

Olga Nielsen is a terrific bowler!
They could b*at us!

There is no "us," Rose.
I am not bowling with you!

Oh, Dorothy.
I don't ask many favors of you, but I'm asking one now.
I'm begging.

Please, as a friend, be my partner.

Blanche has somebody to bowl with.

You want somebody to bowl with.
I need somebody to bowl with.

Please, just say yes and nobody will get hurt.

Oh... all right!

Unless we don't win...

Hi!

Oh, hi, Ma.
Where you been?

I took Augie to that cafeteria in the mall.

Ah. You and Augie have been seeing a lot of each other

- these past few days.
- Yeah, we've been having a lot of fun.

Augie's a terrific guy.
And a gentleman!

Every time I leave the table, he tries to stand up.

It's a shame he has to go back to Sicily so soon.

It would have been nice if the two of you had more time together.

I'm glad you said that because he wants me to go back with him.

What?

Not for good.
Just for the San Genero festival.

That's where we met, years ago.
I want to go back.

Oh, gee, Ma. I'm sorry, honey, but I can't let you go.

Who's asking your permission?
I'm going anyway.

Ma, look, I absolutely forbid it!

Come on, you've had a stroke, you have high blood pressure.

It would be lunacy to risk your health this way!

Listen, you are not the woman you used to be.

I'd feel terrible if something happened to you.

At my age, I can't worry about that.
This is special.

I've made up my mind!
I'm going.

Oh, then I'm wasting my breath.

You're a grown woman.
I can't tell you what to do.

I know.
Now lend me $ , for the airfare.

Non che pensa del

I can't believe you're denying your own mother.

Denying her what?

Springsteen tickets, Rose.

Will you please stay out of this?

Dorothy's trying to keep Augustine and me apart.

That absolutely adorable man?
Dorothy, how could you?

Oh, Rose, you're such a good person.

Many, many times I wished you were my daughter.

Ma, please.

And you, Dorothy, are a tall disappointment.

I can understand why Rose is dumping you as her bowling partner.

Rose is dumping Blanche.
She is not dumping me.

Oh, yes she is.
I heard her on the phone!

Your mother's right, Dorothy.

You begged me to be your partner and now you're dumping me?

You and I could never b*at Blanche and Olga Nielsen!

That's why I had to team up with her sister Sonja.

I need to win, Dorothy. And let's face it, you are no Sonja Nielsen!

Rose, get professional help.

Well, I am devastated!
Just devastated!

- Devastated!
- Oh, knock it off!

You are not gonna believe what happened!

Those Nielsen twins are back together.

- What?!
- Lars Lindquist, the man they were fighting over - he's dead.

Found slumped over a desk at his Volvo dealership.

When the girls found out about it, they decided to forgive each other.

Now they're back together in the tournament!

Oh, gee, Blanche. It's too bad you won't have anybody to bowl with now.

We better get down to the alley for some practice, partner.

Forget it Rose.
I am dumping you!

Blanche, how would you like me to be your partner?

Oh, I would love it!

Dorothy, you can't do this.
Now I don't have a partner.

Yes, you do.
I'll be your partner, Rose.

Ma!

You think I can't take care of myself?
You think I'm too feeble to go to Sicily?

I'll show you who's not the woman she used to be!

- Come on, Blanche!
- I'm Rose.

Simple mistake.
Means nothing.

Blanche, let's go!

Come on, Blanche, let's go!

Blanche, wake up.
My wife will be home any minute.

Oh! Where's my shoes?

Oh, Dorothy, that was a terrible thing to do!

I'm sorry, but we have to get down to the bowling alley.

Oh, it's : am.
Why are you making me do this?

You have to go!
The bowling tournament is tomorrow.

- Now, we need the practice!
- Oh, we practiced enough!

Every morning before work, every evening after work.

All I ever wanted was to look cute in my bowling outfit.

Honey, aren't you forgetting something?
Rose dumped you!

That's right! She did.
I hate being dumped. I just hate it.

I haven't been dumped since Wade Honeycutt threw me over for Rebecca Wilkinson, a girl who did not value her reputation.

- Did you let him get away with it?
- Hell, no!

- What did you do?
- Slept with his brother.

Come on, partner.
Let's go get even!

Oh, please, Blanche. I'm and Rose has six brothers!

I'm talking about the bowling alley.
I mean down at the bowling...

Shh. I don't want them to know we're sneaking in all this extra practice.

Oh, right.

- Morning!
- Aha, morning.

Well, you two are up kinda early.

But not as early as you two.
But then again, you need the practice.

Dorothy, if you're so sure of yourself, how about a little side bet?

What did you have in mind?

If I win, you'll lend me the money to fly to Sicily with Augie.

No.

All right, fine. But if I win,

I get those antique silver earrings that you never let me borrow.

- You're on!
- Come on, Blanche.

Blanche, do you want to have a side bet with me?

Well, I would Rose, but everything you own is so damn ugly.

Oh, I can't wait to whip your butt!

Now here we are, alley number seven.

Oh, number seven!
That's my favorite!

- I'm so glad we got number seven.
- You're not superstitious?

No, it's adjacent to the men's locker room.

When that door opens, you can see right in there.

Who cares, Blanche. We have more important things on our... minds.

Take a load off, Rose.
We're here, alley number seven.

Wait a minute, what are you all doing here?

We're supposed to be sharing this alley with the Nielsen twins.

They had to drop out to go to Lars' funeral.

I thought Lars' funeral was yesterday.

It was, but he requested an authentic Viking funeral and every time they tried to set him and his ship on fire, the Coast Guard kept putting it out.

They had to reschedule for today.

Look at that! I don't believe that!
Look at what they have on!

Oh, calm down, honey.
They're just trying to get to you.

Oh!

- Rose, take that off.
- What?

You are wearing my bowling outfit.

Why, I do believe you're right.

Oh, don't worry about it, honey, nobody will notice.

It looks so different on a woman with a full bosom.

Don't you throw your bosom in my face!

Blanche, Blanche, don't you see what's happening?

They are resorting to cheap tricks because they know we're better than they are.

Now honey, all we have to do to win is just stay cool, calm and collected.

All right.

Oh, did you find a ball that's comfortable, Ma?

- What did you call her?
- Ma.

We've grown very close the last few days.

Now listen, no one calls her "Ma" except me. You got that?

Have I made that clear?

Dorothy, Dorothy, calm down, calm down.

What did I tell you?
I knew it would get under her skin.

All right, everybody's started except us.
Could we please begin?

OK, I'm up.

Strike. Mark it down.

The ball hasn't even gotten there yet!

Look, all you've got is a one, two, three, four,

- five, six, seven, eight, nine...
- Darn!

Strike! Mark it down.

All right, Dorothy. You go get 'em, darlin'. Go get 'em good.

Nothing to it. As I told you before, all we have to do to win is just stay calm, cool, and collected.

Another hot dog, Ma?

Darn! I left three pins.
I can't believe it!

Ha-ha! I can't believe you can swing that ball past your hip.

Rose, everyone is finished and I checked the score.

If you can pick up a spare in the last frame, we'll be leading the tournament!

Consider it done, Ma.

Go to it.

I did it! I did it!
We're in the lead!

We're gonna win! We're gonna win!
We're gonna win!

Rose, Rose, aren't you forgetting something?

We haven't bowled our last frame yet.

We can still win.
And we will.

Oh, I don't think so. You see, I've bowled with Blanche before.

Maybe this isn't the best time to mention it, but when the chips are down, Blanche chokes.

Don't you, sweetheart?

Eat chalk, Nylund.

You go get 'em, Blanche.

Blanche?

Blanche?

I'm fine. I just feel a little cold and clammy and just a little short of breath.

Now you just settle down, you hear me?
Settle down.

Don't make me do this, Dorothy.

This ball feels like it weighs about pounds.

Honey, I sympathize with you.
Anyone who has ever competed understands what you're going through.
Listen, sweetheart, if you don't feel like bowling, you don't have to.

Oh, good.

You just hold onto the ball and I'll throw you down the alley.

This is embarrassing!
Get back out there!

No, I don't want to.
I just hate bowling.

All I ever wanted to do is look cute in my new outfit.

We all look cute in your new outfit!

Oh, that does it!

Ha! I did it! I did it!

You did what?
You knocked down two pins!

It's a personal triumph.

Well, we're not out of it yet.
All we need to win is a spare.

- Sophia!
- Hi, Augie!

- Did you win? Can you go?
- I don't know yet.

Strike!

No, you left the nine pin.

Oh, easy spare.
I've made this sh*t times.

Your daughter is a very good player, Sophia.

She must have picked it up from you, huh?

- How do you know I'm a good bowler?
- Because you were so good at bocce ball.

Remember, we played together once?

Oh, yeah.
After the grape harvest.

- Boy, that was a nice afternoon.
- Very nice.

You know what else was nice about that day?

- That was my first kiss.
- Mine too.

Go get 'em, Dorothy.
Whip their butts.

- Oh!
- Oh, Dorothy, a gutter ball!

A gutter ball! We won!
We won! I won! I won!

You lost and I won!

- You lost the bet. That means I'm going.
- You go, honey, and with my blessing.

I'm touched.
Do I have your bucks?

You have my blessing and you have my money.

For another thousand, I could go first class.

Arrivadercil

So Augie and I took a bus to Palermo to look up our old friend Teresa DiFino.

We spent two hours on the bus.

Another hour looking for her house.

We finally find the house, knock on the door, and what do you know? She d*ed.

- Ma, it happens.
- That morning!

Yeah, but aside from that. You and Augie really had a great time, huh?

The best. Going home brought back a lot of nice memories.

And at my age, it's nice to have someone to share it with.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Here, this is for you.

Your antique earrings.

They're yours.
You won 'em fair and square.

Oh, come on.
What are you talking about?

You and Rose won that tournament.

Please. You blew it on purpose.

The nine pin for the spare is your best sh*t.

You could make that sh*t all day long.

Here, enjoy them.

OK, OK, I gotta unpack.

I got a valise full of clams about to go bad.

- Hi, Dorothy.
- Don't talk to me.

- Hi, Blanche.
- Don't talk to me.

I know you're both still angry with me and you have every right to be, but I hope you can forgive me for the way I acted.

Winning doesn't mean anything if it means losing your two best friends.

Besides, we all bowled well this year.

That's why I had all our names engraved on this trophy.

- In my opinion, we're all winners.
- Well, Rose. What a sweet thing to do.

- Oh, Rose, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Why is your name three times larger than ours?

Because I'm the one who actually won it.

If you ever want to look at it, it'll be in my bedroom.