01x08 - Break-In

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

Well, I loved her.

The name "Madonna" doesn't really fit her.

- "Slut" would be better.
- Sophia!

Oh, please, please. She did things on that stage I never did with my husband.

Dorothy, what a thing to say!

- Oh!
- Oh, my!

- It's a mess!
- I've been robbed!

Oh, boy.

Shh. Shh, be quiet!
They could still be here.

- Who?
- The Supreme Court. Who?

- The robbers.
- Is there more than one?

- I don't know.
- You said "they. "

They, him, what difference does it make?

That's how they got in.

Oh, oh, but wait - they might still be here!

They're gonna k*ll us!
They're gonna k*ll us!

Stay!

This is a. Magnum...

...one of the most powerful handguns in the world.

It could blow your head off.

The only problem is, I don't remember if I sh*t four rounds or five.

So you have to ask yourself, do you feel lucky?

Well, do ya... punk?

Go ahead, make her day.

- Sophia, where are you going?
- To my room.

- You can't. It could be dangerous!
- Please, I'm .

- Bathtubs are dangerous!
- Oh, come on. This is ridiculous.

They aren't here anymore.
Let's go check our rooms.

Oh, I just thank God they didn't take my Chinese vase.

- I'm gonna check the kitchen.
- Wait, don't leave me!

- What'll I do if they come back?
- Show them your slides of Hawaii.

I'm fine.
I'm just fine.

There's nothing to be afraid of.
These things happen every day.

The main thing is, nobody was hurt.

We could have been here.

They could have come in the middle of the night, while we slept.

They could have crept up on us and cut our throats!

- Now, look...
- Aah!

- What?
- I thought you were the K*llers.

Relax, relax.
I called the police.

They stole my stole.

- What?
- My mink stole.

- Oh, no.
- Stan gave it to me.

It was the only present he ever gave me that didn't need an extension cord.

They got my jewels.

But I see they didn't get your cocaine.

Oh, my God.
Blanche has cocaine?

This is flour.
I hid my jewels in the flour.

Why did you hide your jewels in the flour?

I didn't think they'd look there.
What kind of robbers look in the flour?

That's the first place they look after the freezer.

- The freezer's my other hidin' place.
- It's everybody's.

The robbers know that.
They don't even open drawers anymore.

My mama's jewels.
I can never replace them!

Oh, I'm just beside myself. You ought to see the mess they made in there.

- They about tore this place apart.
- They were probably looking for dr*gs.

We have Maalox and estrogen.

Now, how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

They cleaned me out, took everything I owned.

- All I have is what I have on.
- They took your clothes?

My clothes, my shoes, girdle, everything.
Thank God I'm insured.

Ma, why in the world would they want your clothes?

Who knows? Short girl robber, travels a lot, likes drip-dry.

It's OK. I'm thrilled.
I hated my clothes.

I need new clothes.

They didn't take them, Ma.
You hid them.

Now, where are your clothes?

Maybe I buried them.

What I can't understand is why they didn't take my Chinese vase.

- Who would want it?
- Ma!

You know why this happened?
Because we're without men.

- What?
- I don't know what happens or why.

All I know is, when I had a husband,
I didn't worry.

Maybe nothing happened to me because I had a husband, and maybe not.

All I know is, when the lights went out at night, I wasn't afraid.

- It's karma.
- I beg your pardon?

Crime is caused by karma.
Some people give out an energy that attracts misfortune.
They become victims.

It must've been one of you.
I certainly don't have that kind of energy.

'Course, I lost my mama's jewels because of somebody else's energy.

I got no energy.
I'm going to sleep.

Blanche, come on.
Don't be absurd.

Look, we were robbed, and now it's over.

It has nothing to do with energy.
It has nothing to do with being single.

It has to do with a lousy lock on a sliding door and massive unemployment.

I'm going into my room.
Call me when the cops come.

We're all employed, Dorothy, except your mother.

I wouldn't call that "massive. "

Good night, Rose.

Go to sleep, sweetheart.
Pray for brains.

This is not the end.
I can promise you that.

Justice will be done here.
I hate criminals. I just hate 'em.

Someone's gonna pay for this heinous crime!

We're gonna have a good, old-fashioned hangin'.

That's right, a hangin'.

Only first we'll have a whippin', and then we'll have a hangin'.

Nobody takes my mama's jewels without swingin' for it!

Nighty-night.

So those are the facts, ladies.
It's not a pretty picture.

One out of every three people will be the victim of a violent crime.

- That's awful!
- And since there are four of you, that means at least one of you will be a victim...

...of a violent crime.

One of you right here.

And I read that one out of every three people will get cancer.

That means one of us will get cancer.

So that takes care of two of us.

Oh, knock it off. Now, we'll take the basic security package, OK?

- How much did you say it would be?
- $ .

- Fine, we'll take it.
- It's better than nothing, but not much.

What do you mean?

For $ , you get a siren that your neighbors ignore.

But with our deluxe system, an armed guard is here within five minutes.

I want something that electrocutes an intruder.

How much more is the deluxe system?

We're talking about the difference between being here in the morning, or being steak tartare.

- How much more?
- A bit more.

- How much?
- Exactly?

- Yes.
- $ , .

I'd rather be m*rder*d!

I want a great, big wall safe.

You don't need one anymore.
You got no jewelry.

I'll get it back. I went to the police today with some sketches I made.

How could you make sketches?
You didn't see the robbers.

Not of the robbers, of my mama's jewels.

- OK, OK, we're getting the basic system.
- Whatever.

- But not from you. From your competitor.
- What?

Because what you were trying to do was terrify us into spending more money than we have.

Now get out of here, before the victim of violent crime in this house is you!

- He scared me to death!
- Oh, me, too.

He scared me too, but you want to know something?

It could be worse. I mean, we could each be alone.

At least we're together.
We have each other.

- It's better with men.
- Oh, that's false security.

No, it's not.
I was safer with Charles.

I was never once robbed or m*rder*d when I was with Charles.

Yyou could have just as easily have been m*rder*d living with Charles.

I'm surprised she wasn't m*rder*d by Charles.

With George, when I'd hear a noise,

I'd wake him up, and then he'd take out his g*n.

Then he'd have to find the b*ll*ts, because I'd always hide the b*ll*ts.

And then, when he found the b*ll*ts, we'd make love.

Boy, can you tell a story.

I'm starved.
Come on, let's make dinner.

Oh, I'm not really all that hungry.

- I forgot all about him.
- Yeah, you go on in there.

- Getting a guard dog was your idea.
- I'm afraid of large dogs.

When I was three, I was att*cked by a cocker spaniel.

A cocker spaniel's not a large dog.

To a three-year-old it is.

We've got a guard dog in the kitchen.
Great, the food is safe!

I know what we can do.

Let's go out to dinner, my treat.

What about breakfast and lunch?

Look, I'm calling the kennel to come get him.

I've got a date tonight and no jewelry to wear.

Some scum's woman is wearing my mama's jewelry.

I wonder if jewelry comes from Jewish people.

In Little Falls, the jewelry was Jewish.

Jeweler, Jewish... I wonder if there's a connection?

I think there's a connection between your brain and wallpaper paste.

I don't know why people even have dogs at all.

I don't like anything in my house that doesn't know how to use the toilet.

- See ya.
- Oh, no, Sophia!

- No, Sophia! Dorothy!
- Dorothy!

- Dorothy! Oh!
- What, what?

- Oh, God, I don't know how to tell you...
- What?

- Oh, it's about your mother!
- Ma?

My God, the dog - I think he ate your mother.

- Ma!
- Some att*ck dog.

He hid under the table, peed on the floor, and ran out the back.

Oh, give me that!

I thought I was gonna die.

I swear, I have never felt such agony.

I saw my entire life flash before my eyes, and I thought, "What a shame if I die now. I'm too young. "

And I'm wearing the wrong underwear.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

I'm sorry, it's just me. I had to get in quickly

'cause when I got out of the car, I noticed a swarthy man with a w*apon.

- Swarthy man with a w*apon?
- What are you doing?

Buenos dias. Fernando.

The gardener, trimming the hedge.

- I was running, he was blurred...
- Ohh...

- Oh, no! Blanche has been att*cked!
- Sort of.

Oh, honey, what happened, you poor darling?

I went to the police station today to get an update on my case.

I borrowed your pocket hairspray.
I took it from your dressing table.

You know what this humidity does to my hair.

I know - cotton candy.

Well, just as I entered the police station,

I saw there was this cute officer there who's had his eye on me, so I took out your hairspray and gave my hair a final spritz.

Only, surprise, it wasn't hairspray.

It was mace.

You had mace.
Your hairspray was mace.

I maced myself right there in the police station!

I almost d*ed. I fell to the floor blinded, writhing in pain.

Couldn't move for minutes.

Well, what do you know? It works!

Works?
They thought I was on angel dust.

They wanted to arrest me!

I'm lyin' there dyin' and they're harassing me.

Murderers are free, rapists are free, but a poor widow on the floor they try to lock up.

Who'd I hurt? Me?

Now, look, Rose. This is it.
We have had it!

- No mace, no tear gas, no grenades!
- No jewelry.

I won't be needing mace.
I just bought a g*n.

You don't know how to use a g*n!

The man at the g*n store taught me.

In the basement, they've got a little sh**ting gallery, kind of like the ones at amusement parks.

Except no prizes.
And you sh**t at little paper targets.

This was mine.

- Honey, there are no holes in it.
- I know!

That's because they're all in your head.

Now, listen. I cannot live in a house with a g*n.

Dorothy, don't overreact.
Rose, good.

- You get a g*n, you k*ll 'em!
- Yeah.

k*ll 'em.
We'll have a dead gardener.

Now, listen, Rose, this has gone too far.
You are going overboard.

Now, I think you need to see someone.

Dorothy, I don't think a date is necessarily the answer.

I meant a psychiatrist, hot pants.

Now, what do you say, Rose?

- Come on, honey, we'll all go.
- You think I'm crazy.

No, I don't... but I do think you need help.

I mean, you don't eat, you don't sleep, you're afraid all the time.

You've got nothing to fear but fear itself...

...and, of course, the boogeyman.

I always heard psychiatrists could read your mind, but he didn't do that.

Because there's nothing in your mind to read.

Ma!

Anyway, I liked him.
He was very understanding.

Pay me $ , I'll be understanding...

...and make you marble cake!

- And he liked me.
- Oh, Blanche, how do you know that?

Because he kept saying, "Blanche, how do you feel?"

I wanted to say, "Wouldn't you just like to know, big boy?"

I hate psychiatrists.
They blame everything on the mothers.

- Sophia, he didn't blame you.
- You heard what he said -

"We're afraid because our mothers taught us to be afraid. "

For survival, Ma. They had to. I mean, what's a mother supposed to say?

"Don't be afraid of strangers.
Eat their candy. Get into their cars"?

- He made me feel better.
- Me, too.

I was just thrilled to be out of there.
He had two dead fish in his t*nk.

Of course, your speech endorsing public beheadings with no trial,

I think got him a little concerned.

I know. He wants to see me again, but I think it's personal.

In my day, we didn't have therapy.
We were too busy looking for food.

Looking for food?
You mean, to take back to your cave?

Rose, your father was a dairy farmer.
You looked for food in your freezer.

The psychiatrist didn't make me feel better.

I feel better that you all feel better, but I don't feel any better.

- Not even a little?
- No. In fact, I feel worse.

- Why worse?
- He was my last hope.

I've got to get some sleep. I have to get up soon. Good night, everybody.

- Good night, honey.
- Good night?

Boy, we really have a problem.

I know. The police are doing nothing about my jewels.

Not that!

There is a woman in there so terrified something is going to happen at night

- that she sleeps only in the daytime.
- I know.

Then at sunset, she makes a big pot of coffee and sits up all night with that g*n.

It's better than having that dog...

...as long as she doesn't wet the floor.

You sh*t my vase!

I heard footsteps and a man's voice and the alarm went off!

It was Lester.
He accidentally set off the alarm!

- Oh, I'm sorry!
- You sh*t my vase!

- I didn't sh**t Lester.
- I'd rather you sh*t Lester.

- I think I'll pass on the nightcap, Blanche.
- Go on home, you old fool.

- What happened?
- She sh*t my vase!

Thank God.
I hated that thing.

What are you doing sh**ting?
Are you crazy?

I heard a noise.
I thought it was the robbers.

I manage to live , years.

I survive pneumonia, two operations, a stroke...

One night, I'll belch and Stable Mable here will blow my head off!

Rose, you've got to do something.

This is crippling you!

Just save whatever pieces you find.
I can glue it back together.

You bet - whatever I find.
I love that vase.

Rose, you cannot go on this way.

Life isn't worth living if you're gonna live it with this kind of fear.

Now, honey, we were robbed.
It's scary, but it happens.

And now it's over, and the robbers are gone.

I know. I know that.
I know it's over.

I know they're gone, but not for me!

For me, in my mind, they'll always be here!

Oh, honey.

Oh, dear God.

Lady, wait!

Hey, lady!

Three and one is four. and ten is .

And a double letter score is , , , .

And a triple word score makes a total of points. I win.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- There is no such word as that.
- There certainly is.

Fine. I'll look it up, and if it isn't in the dictionary, I win.

- We don't have a dictionary.
- Yes, we do.

Not anymore.
The robbers took it.

They stole our dictionary?

That's right.
Too bad.

Ma, "disdam" is not a word.
You made it up.

- It's a word.
- Fine. Use it in a sentence.

"You're no good at disdam game. "

They caught them.
They caught the scum.

- That's wonderful!
- It is for you. They found your stole.

- They didn't find my jewels.
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

They can sell my jewelry, you see.
It's worth somethin'.

Who would want that thing?
Nobody wears stoles anymore.

My mama's jewels, out there on the black market, being f*ndled by filth.

I just can't wait to testify in court.
I want to see those guys fry.

Well, everybody, you will never guess what I did today.

- What?
- I was in this parking garage.

I had to go to the dentist 'cause I lost my crown in a nectarine.

There was no parking on the street.
There I was, all alone.

- I heard footsteps.
- Ooh.

It was my nightmare come true.
Someone was after me.

I ran, he ran.
I ran faster, he ran faster.

- No!
- He grabbed my arm, and I turned around and dropped him.

Kneed him right in his safe-deposit box.

Dropped him like a sack of potatoes.
He lay on the ground, and he was writhing and groaning and screaming in agony.

And I stood over him, and I looked at this pitiable creature, and I thought, "I can take care of myself!"

I'm not helpless.
I'm gonna be OK!

- Oh, honey, that's wonderful!
- Oh, honey, that's fantastic!

I have faith again.
k*ll the K*llers!

- This calls for champagne. I'll get it.
- Honey, there's none on ice.

I'll put some in the freezer.

So what happens now?
I guess you press charges, right?

Well, no. No, actually not.

- He might press charges, though.
- Why?

You see, the guy that was moaning and screaming and groaning in agony was the parking attendant.

He was coming after me because I'd forgot to pick up my keys.

But I'm not afraid anymore!

I know that when it comes right down to it, I can take care of myself.

Oh, honey, I always knew you could.

- Oh, damn.
- What?

- My jewelry...
- Oh, please, Blanche.

- Enough with your jewelry!
- No, I found it.

- What?
- It was in the freezer!

- Oh, Blanche, that's wonderful!
- It was there all the time?

If you'd had your way, the robbers would've been beheaded.

That doesn't matter.
The point is, they stole your stole.

A beautiful stole.
You can't replace it.

They don't make 'em anymore.
Look here...