01x18 - The Operation

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You're a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend

- OK. I am OK.
- Just don't step too hard.

- Just sit down on the sofa.
- I'm all right.

Oh, my God!
What is it? What happened?

Nothing, nothing, Ma.
Don't worry, I'm just fine.

It's nothing serious.
Probably just a pulled muscle.

It happened in class when she tried to do a six-count

Cincinnati riff with a double pullback.

Goes something like this.

Margaret Weinstein did the same thing when they changed her medication.

Do you think she could take Dorothy's place in the recital?

Oh, come on, honey.
I'll be fine by next week.

Maybe you should have it checked by a doctor.

Come on. It's a very simple thing that comes and goes.

I've had it for years.
I probably just overdid it in class tonight.

I do think you ought to have it checked out.

It's perfectly all right.
Ma, what is that you're knitting?

A bottle cover for the sherry.

Why do we need to cover the sherry?

Not the sherry here in the house.
The sherry I take to the park.

You drink out of a paper bag in the park and suddenly everybody's your friend.

Oh, Sophia, I don't think it's a good idea to drink in the park.

Hey, I do it once a month with the girls from the Cloud Society.

The Cloud Society?

Yeah, we stake out a bench, knock a few sherries back, and discuss what we think the clouds look like.

One afternoon, I thought I saw Pat Sajak riding sidesaddle on a dolphin.

- I'm gonna get something to eat.
- Good idea.

There's that salad in the fridge.
Sophia?

No, I have to finish this.
Knit one, purl two.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Knock it off, Rose.

It's just that I've always dreamed about learning to tap dance.

And I guess I get too gung-ho about things.

When I was a child, I used to get overexcited and pet the cat too hard.

- Ooh, oh!
- Oh, what is it?

- Nothing.
- Sit down!

Nothing, nothing, I'm all right.
I'm fine.

No, you are not and I'm tired of watching you suffer!

That's what Daddy said to our horse, Old Toby, when he broke his leg.

Then he sh*t him.

Your family was awfully tough on pets, weren't they, Rose?

This could be more serious than you think.

Why don't you have a doctor look at that foot?

- I already have.
- When?

.

- You don't want to miss the recital.
- I... it is fine!

Oh, really? Let's see you do a Cincinnati time step.

Fine.

- And... Ooh!
- Oh, honey!

Oh, all right, all right, I'll go!

For the sake of the act.

If you really want to do something for the sake of the act, have one of those two left feet made into a right one!

Rose!

Blanche!

Dorothy!

Go, Dorothy, go!

Gosh, I didn't realize how long Dorothy's solo is.

I sure hope the doctor says she's gonna be all right!

I won't dance. Don't ask me.

- Oh, my God!
- Dorothy, are you all right?

- Oh, honey!
- It's not as bad as it looks.

The doctor says I'm fine. I just have to take it a little easy for a few days, that's all.

- You're lying!
- Oh, Sophia, Dorothy wouldn't lie!

A mother knows when her child is lying - it's like bat radar.

- Now what did the doctor really say?
- He said I have to have surgery.

- Surgery? For what?
- For kicks, Rose!

No, I have a condition called Morton's Neuroma.

Oh, I think I had that once.

But how the heck did you ever catch it in your foot?

It's a very small tumor, Ma. I've had it for about years.

- A tumor? It sounds serious!
- No, no, no!

It's a very simple surgical procedure.

As a matter of fact, I'd only be in the hospital overnight.

- That's it?
- That's it.

Oh, what a relief.

- When are you gonna have the surgery?
- Never.

You just now said yourself it's a very simple procedure.

Oh, it is - for the doctor.

But it happens to be my foot that he wants to cut open.

So you intend to limp around in pain when you could be completely cured in just one night?

- Dorothy, that doesn't make sense!
- It makes sense to me.

I don't like doctors, I don't like hospitals.

Nobody likes hospitals, but there's nothing to be scared of.

Oh, really, Rose? What about blood?
What about death?

What about those nighties that don't close up in the back?

Well, anybody can make it sound unpleasant.

Dorothy, you are being irrational.

Now the bottom line is we're talking about your health! That is a very precious thing!

The longer you put this surgery off, the more you may be risking your health!

I just don't think that's a risk worth taking, do you?

Yes.

Fine. Don't have the surgery.
Let me suffer.

- Ma, it's my foot.
- Your foot? My heart.

Do you have any idea how much a mother suffers when she sees her child in pain?

- Look, Ma, Ma, don't do this!
- I'll tell you how much.

Worse than the hours of labor it took to...

...bring you into this world.
... bring you into this world.

Worse than the burns I got working nights as a fry cook to help put you through college.

- Worse than the time...
- All right, all right, Ma!

I'll have the surgery!
You win!

You always win.
But you don't play fair.

That's why I always win.

I don't know what you have been complaining about.

I think this is a very good hospital and a perfectly lovely room.

Isn't it a lovely room, Rose?

Very lovely. I just keep wondering how many people have never left this room.

Where are they, Rose?
Hiding in the shower?

She means a lot of people have probably croaked in here.

I know what she means, Ma. I just don't need to hear it the night before surgery!

Come on, don't be such a baby!

I had my appendix out in a hospital in Sicily. That was rough!

Why?

They didn't believe in anesthesia back then.

They had a nurse hold a pillow over your face so the other patients couldn't hear your screams.

You had to pay extra for that.

Sicily, love it or leave it.

Visiting hours are over, ladies.
Everybody will have to leave.

Whoa, where do you think you're going?

- You said everybody.
- Get back in bed.

Take care, darling.
Bye-bye.

Goodnight, pussycat.

- We'll see you first thing in the morning.
- I hope I can say the same thing.

Hello, Mrs. Zbornak, my name is Dr. Ravel.

Oh, hello.

I'm here to tell you that Dr. Ashton won't be able to perform your surgery tomorrow.

He's been subpoenaed in a malpractice suit.

- You are kidding?
- I'm afraid not.

He's a damn fine doctor, too.
I wish I were half the doctor he is.

By the way, I'll be performing your surgery tomorrow.

Look, couldn't this surgery wait until he gets back?

Well, if he gets a hostile jury, you may have to wait three to five years.

You'd be surprised how peeved people get nowadays over any little mix-up.

Mix-up?

I didn't say mix-up... and there's no one here to prove that I did.

If you'll just sign these forms, we'll be all set.

- Forms?
- They're just your standard consent forms.

Releasing us from all liability in the unlikely event of your death.

I'm having a simple operation!
How could I possibly die?

Oh, it's possible, believe me!

Just ask Dr. Ashton.

Listen, you know, I really don't think this operation is a good idea.

Mrs. Zbornak, relax.
You have nothing to worry about.

It's a simple surgical procedure, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Here. I'll leave these forms so you can look them over.

I'll see you in the morning when I get back from court.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!
I want to hear more about this mix-up!

I don't know what you're talking about.
Night!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm giving you the last rites, Mr. Ferguson.

I'm not Mr. Ferguson!

Then what are you doing in bed with him?

The man's dying, for God's sake!

Wait a minute!
There is no Mr. Ferguson in this room!

- Isn't this room ?
- .

Oh, boy, what a day.

- Since I'm here, do you need the last rites?
- No, thank you.

- Have you had your operation yet?
- No, tomorrow morning.

Well, good luck.
I'm sure everything will be fine.

But just to be on the safe side, I'll swing by here tomorrow afternoon.

- Dorothy?
- Yes, Blanche?

- What are you doing out there?
- Checking the sprinkler system.

Looks good. Good night.

You get yourself in here!
Get in here!

- Where in the world did you come from?
- The coffee shop at the bus station.

I went there from the hospital to think things out.

But this toothless old wino who claimed he was Elvis kept hounding me for bus fare to Graceland.

- So I came home.
- Blanche, call the police!

I just saw a big, ugly man with a limp walk past my bedroom window!

He was wearing Dorothy's coat!

But then again, it was dark and I tend to overdramatize.

- What are you doing home?
- She snuck out of the hospital!

- She's too scared to have her operation.
- Dorothy!

Look, I couldn't help it! When the doctor came in with the release form,

he told me what could possibly go wrong.
I just panicked!

- Darling, nothing is going to go wrong!
- Blanche is right!

'Course, one summer when I was a candy striper, you wouldn't believe the things I saw!

Lost patients, mixed-up medications, botched operations...

Rose, do a big ugly man with a limp a favor and shut up!

Dorothy, nobody likes being in the hospital, but it's natural to be afraid.

She's right, darling.
Everybody has fears.

Now all of my life, I had an incredible fear of flying.

And I missed out on a lot of things because of that fear! Then, one day...

No, don't tell me, don't tell me.
You met a handsome pilot - he invited you into the cockpit.
Of course you said yes, as you usually do in these stories.
The two of you made passionate love and now you cannot get enough of the friendly skies.

No, that's not what happened at all!

- Then how did you get over your fear?
- I never did, but thanks to Dorothy,

I now have new hope.

You see, Dorothy, Blanche is willing to face her fear.

- I think it's time you faced yours.
- Look, Rose, forget it!

I am not going to have that surgery and no one is going to make me change my mind!

I thought I heard you in here!
What are you doing home?

- I'm all better, Ma.
- Oh, she is not!

She's afraid to have the surgery because she has a phobia about hospitals.

Do you know why I have that phobia?
Because when I was five years old,

I was left alone in the hospital on the day I was having my tonsils taken out.

I was in Cleveland at your Uncle Mario's funeral.

- Yeah, but Pop wasn't.
- Of course not, he hated your Uncle Mario.

Everyone hated your Uncle Mario.
That's how he d*ed -

s*ab wounds during a block party and nobody saw a thing!

Pop left a scared, sick five-year-old all alone at the hospital!

- Said he had to go to work.
- He did have to go to work!

How else could we have paid for the operation?

All I know is, I was alone and terrified and I have never gotten over it.

- I still have that phobia about hospitals.
- It's about time you got over it.

Get the keys to your car.
We're taking Dorothy to the hospital.

Ma, I am not going.

OK, fine. So you don't want to go back to the hospital?

- No.
- You don't want the doctor to operate?

- No.
- Then it's settled. We'll do it here.

Blanche, go boil some water and get me a pillow.

Rose, sharpen my Ginsu Kn*fe.

Dorothy, pick out a shoe you'd like to bite on.

You're not serious?

No, I'm just acting as stupid as you are.

All right.

All right, I'll go back.

- Oh, you always win, don't you?
- Yeah!

- You're awfully good at this.
- I'm the best.

Here we are.

How come I get the chair with the wobbly wheels?

- Oh, looks like you have a new roommate.
- Hi, I'm Bonnie.

Dorothy. Glad to meet you.

Now look, are my tests finished? I am tired of being probed, poked, and prodded.

More men have seen my behind in one day than in my entire life!

They'll be in to prep you for surgery in about an hour. Until then, just relax.

There aren't enough dr*gs in the entire building!

- I hope my exercising doesn't bother you.
- No. Not at all.

What is it?
Some kind of therapy you have to do?

No, I just like to stay healthy.

I hate to break this to you - you're in a hospital.

The exercises aren't working.

- Surgery today, huh?
- Yeah.

I might as well warn you, I am not the best patient in the whole world.

I can put up with you for one night.

Then tomorrow, it is my turn in the operating room.

- You're having surgery too?
- Yeah.

- And you're smiling?
- I've had this procedure before.

The first time, I was as nervous as you are.
This time I know what to expect.

You're having the same operation again?

Don't they get it right around here the first time?

Oh, no, it's nothing like that.
About three years ago, I had a mastectomy.

- And, well, now I'm in for another.
- And you're not scared?

I'm petrified.

No one's that brave, except in the movies and on television.

But at least this time I know what I'm facing.

I've gone through all the steps before.
I have considered the alternatives, dealt with the reality.
The last time, I think I started crying the moment the doctor told me, and I didn't stop until they wheeled me off to surgery.

And then later, I cried because there was so much pain,

I didn't think it would ever go away.
But it did. And it will again.

You get through it.
You go on.

When it comes right down to it, what other choice do we have?

It could have been a lot worse.
I could have missed these last three years.

Dorothy, you all right?

- How do you feel?
- Like a fool.

Like a damn fool.

OK, let's go. I found your shoes.
They were under Sophia's mattress.

Oh, I didn't think you'd find them that fast.

- What's going on, Blanche?
- My foot hurts.

I think I caught what Dorothy's got.

You can't catch what Dorothy has.

Well, then it must just be sympathy pains. Ooh.

We're going to be late!
Now come on, let's go!

No, I don't think we ought to dance tonight. It's just not right.

We ought to be down at that hospital with Dorothy.

Sophia's with her! She's out of surgery and she's fine. Now, come on, let's go!

Rose, I have a confession to make.
Flying isn't the only thing I'm afraid of.

I also have a fear of performing.
In front of groups, that is.

- I thought you went to dancing school.
- Oh, that was different.

That was partner dancing - up close and personal.

Rose, what I didn't tell you was, when I was five, Mama enrolled me in a tap-dancing class.

For six months, we practiced.
One hour a day, two days a week.

And I was good. I was cute and I was good, real good.

And then finally, it came time for the night of the recital.

There were little girls up there with our little Shirley Temple curls and our little starched white pinafores and our little Mary Jane shoes.

Then they opened the curtain and the music started and little girls started to dance.

And one little girl wet her pants.

That girl in the puddle was me.

Oh, God, I have never told that to another living soul, Rose!

You see, I thought I had overcome my fear, honey.

But I just haven't, and performing is a nightmare for me.

- Hey, we've all got our sad stories.
- What?

Look, Blanche, we've practiced for six weeks.

We've paid for our costumes, we told everybody we'd be there!

You're not gonna wimp out on me.
You're gonna go to that recital.

If you end up in a puddle tonight, well, you'd just better break into "Singin' in the Rain"!

- Ma?
- What?!

What are you doing here?

You were operated on, you're my daughter, where else would I be?

- How long have you been here?
- Since they took you to surgery.

I haven't left the room.
Not for a newspaper, not for food, not for a cold drink.
All day, I've been right here.

Oh, Ma. Ma, I love you.

Could you fluff up my pillow a little, please?

What, I look like an orderly?

Push the button, wake up a nurse!
I'm just here for moral support.

I already got that from my roommate.

Oh, she's gone.
And I never thanked her.

Relax, she's not the Lone Ranger, she'll be back.

I sent her to the cafeteria to get me a sandwich.

- Hello!
- Hi. How are you feeling?

I'm exhausted.

- How's our little patient doing?
- Oh, fine, just fine.

- A little groggy, that's all.
- Oh.

- But you're not in any pain?
- I'm not. Slight discomfort.

You want discomfort?
Try sitting in this chair for eight hours.

- How was the dance recital?
- Oh.

- We were great!
- They loved us!

We've been invited to dance next month at the Sunset Charity Ball!

And there's even some talk about us going up to Palm Beach to be in the cotillion!

Oh, that's wonderful! And I'll be back and in dancing shape by then!

- Oh...
- Well, you don't understand.

We've changed our act.
We're no longer the Tip Tap Trio.

Who are we now?

Well, we're now known as...

...The Two Merry Widows!

Hit it, Blanche!

Oh, that was the most adorable dance I think I've ever seen.

Rose, honey, could I look at your hat for a minute?