04x03 - The One That Got Away

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" Check.

Check.

I'll open for a quarter.

I'm in.

I'll see your quarter and I'll raise you a quarter.

By the way, Rose, your shoe is untied.

I'm too smart for you, Sophia.

You're not gonna distract me this time.

Besides, I'm wearing pumps.

Your pump is untied.

Oh, thanks.

Look!

Mr. Feinbaum's totally naked in his bedroom window!

That is the third time we caught you cheating.

Ma, you're out of the game.

Hey, gimme a break!

When you're 80, you're allowed to cheat - just like you're allowed to take money out of your daughter's purse.

Oops!

Uh... was that the phone?

Don't trouble yourselves.

I'll get it.

How did you know your mother was cheating?

Because Mr.

Feinbaum never walks around totally naked.

He always wears a boy-scout neckerchief.

But never in the same place twice.

Which is why there's no Mrs.

Feinbaum.

Deal.

(whoosh)

Did you see that, Dorothy?

It was a UFO!

Rose, don't be ridiculous.

It was a plane.

Deal, come on.

Planes don't fly over residential neighborhoods.

Neither do UFOs.

They only fly over empty fields in Kentucky, where fat guys in overalls named Cooley have just run out of gas.

I think we ought to call the authorities.

Rose, there is no such thing as a UFO.

They were probably looking for someone to bring up to the ship.

Fine, you stay out here.

Flag them down if they fly by again.

I'll go inside and pack a bag.

But I wanna be the one to go.

Whose bag do you think I'm gonna pack?

(self-satisfied laughter)

(squeal)

Blanche, are you in a good mood?

Dorothy, you always could see right through me.

Keep it up with those Chips Ahoy!, and Superman couldn't see right through you.

I just got off the phone with Ham Lushbough, who happens to be the most charming, most intelligent, most gorgeous, most sexy man on the face of this entire planet.

We went to college together.

Look, there's his picture.

Wow!

He sure is handsome.

Oh...

What did he have to say?

Oh, that he's in town on business and that he's single again and that he'd love to be my date for the museum ball Saturday night.

The museum ball?

Didn't Roger postpone his kidney transplant so he could be your date?

What's your point?

Sorry to interrupt.

Go on.

Well, Dorothy, you have no idea how my sister Virginia and I used to chase after this boy.

Well, everybody did.

He had it all - football star, champion debater, class valedictorian.

How long did you and he date?

Well, we didn't.

But it wasn't 'cause I didn't try.

Oh, I can still remember the night of the big rally before the homecoming game.

There stood Ham, just handsome as ever.

I walked over to him and asked him the one question that had been burning on my tongue for the last four years.

"Ham, think you might like a little company tonight?" You know what he said?

"Maybe some other time, Blanche." Can you believe that?

"Maybe some other time"!

Blanche, that doesn't seem so mean.

He had the band spell it out on the field.

And, Dorothy, to this day, Ham Lushbough remains the one man in my entire life I could not conquer.

The one!

But come Saturday night, I have a feeling my record's gonna be intact again.

Ooh!

I wouldn't be so sure if I were Blanche.

Sometimes these things aren't meant to be.

Like me and Fabrizio Ribeno.

We were on the verge of a passionate love affair when Destiny intervened.

Don't tell me.

His wife, Destiny Ribeno?

Right.

Boy, did she have a temper.

She dragged him away by the hair on his back, smashed his skull with a ravioli crank, and threw his limp body in the river.

That's a Sicily you don't see on postcards.

Rose, what are you doing?

I'm trying to lure that UFO back with a flashlight and a pie pan.

I read an article once in the St.

Olaf Time that said this is the best way to do it.

What's the St.

Olaf Time?

Well, it's 7:15 here.

You subtract an hour...

Forget it!

Forget it.

Now, look, all this nonsense has to stop, Rose.

What we saw was not a UFO.

Well, it wasn't a plane.

Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.

Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.

The point is, nobody knows what we saw.

You don't.

I don't.

Not even Major Barker does.

Major Barker?

That's the man I spoke to today down at the military base.

I told him what we saw, and he said they'd check into it.

Rose, how could you do that?

Don't you know what's going to happen?

This is gonna end up in all the tabloids.

I can see it now, right next to "Woman Gives Birth to Doc Severinsen Look-alike." "Dorothy Zbornak Meets Spacemen." Why do you get all the credit?

Girls!

Girls, look.

How do I look?

Great, Blanche.

Great?

Or gorgeous?

Gorgeous.

What about sexy?

Yes.

Enticing?

I'll handle this.

Blanche, no woman ever looked better than you look right now, and no one ever will.

Thank you, Dorothy.

Honestly, Rose, sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get a little compliment out of you.

(doorbell rings)

There's the bell.

That must be Ham at the door.

Come on, come on!

(doorbell)

Sophia, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Blanche, will you calm down?

I have never seen you so worked up over one date.

I let this man slip through my fingers once before.

I don't intend to let it happen again.

He couldn't slip through your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.

Oh, my God!

Blanche?

Ham?

H-Ham Lushbough.

Just look at you.

What else can we look at?

The man's covering half the pictures on our wall.

I don't blame you for looking surprised.

There's a little more of me than there used to be.

Well, maybe a little here, a little there.

Ham, I'm Dorothy.

How do you do?

How do you do?

This is my mother, Sophia.

That's Rose.

Hello.

(Ham)

How do you do?

So, what exactly is "Ham" short for, Ham?

My guess would be ham and potatoes.

Well, we'd better be running along.

We don't want to be late.

I'm sure you'll have a wonderful evening.

It was very nice meeting all of you.

Same here.

I hope we get to see more of you.

Don't even bother.

Bye.

Bye.

Boy, he sure looks different from his picture.

You know, sometimes people can lose their looks.

Not in Sicily.

In Sicily, if you're born beautiful, you stay beautiful.

The whole town sees to it.

They check up on you, they encourage you, they never let you slip.

That's why we were so happy when Dorothy was born.

Oh, Ma.

Who needed all those people bothering us all the time?

I'm going back outside, Dorothy.

Fine, Rose.

(doorbell)

Is Rose Nylund in?

Yes.

Please come in.

Please come in.

You must be the man that Rose spoke to - Major Barker?

That's correct.

Please, sit down.

Listen, um...

before I get Rose, let me assure you, she is the only one here who thinks she saw a UFO.

I understand completely, Ms. Zbornak.

By the way, is that Ms. Zbornak or Mrs.?

I'm hoping it's Ms.

Well, yes.

Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

Good.

I've already got that box checked on this form.

Now, in this case, we've done most of the research at the base, so I just have a couple of routine questions to follow up.

Question number one - was the object you saw more triangular or cylindrical?

No, triangular.

Was it blue in color?

Yes.

Did it leave a faint trail of yellow exhaust?

Yes, it did!

Very good.

Ms.

Zbornak, there's a perfectly simple explanation for what you saw.

Well, I always knew there would be.

What you and Rose Nylund saw was a UFO.

(Blanche laughs)

Oh, Ham, you always did know how to make me laugh.

It's nice to know I haven't lost it - all of it.

Oh, now, don't you talk like that.

You haven't lost a thing.

Why, the way you can tell a story, the way you twirled me around that dance floor, you'd think it was 30 years ago.

Oh, gosh, look at the time.

I'd better go.

Oh, baloney!

It's late now, in ten minutes it'll still be late.

You just sit yourself down right there.

Go on.

Thattaboy.

Ha ha ha.

I had a nice time tonight, Blanche.

You know, I did too.

And I wasn't sure I would, if you want the truth.

What?

Well, this may sound funny, but I kept thinking, "Here I am," you know, "so bald and so heavy.

"What if I show up and Blanche looks just as pretty as she did 30 years ago?" But I don't.

No, you don't.

What?

You look prettier.

Oh...

No, I mean it!

I mean it!

The face and the figure and that smile - it's all gotten better.

Unless it's just my age making me want to see those things.

No!

I'm glad I looked you up, Blanche.

I haven't had this much fun in a long time.

Well, I guess I'd better be getting back to the hotel.

Oh, honey, are you sure you have to?

Blanche, are you asking me what I think you're asking me?

Think you might like some company tonight?

Maybe some other time, Blanche.

What are you doing, Dorothy?

Oh... looking at the stars.

Pondering the universe.

I've been doing the same thing, thinking how wonderful it would be if there really were aliens.

Maybe it'd be just like Cocoon, and they'd take us away and we'd never grow old.

See, I don't know.

I like my life.

I mean, I'm not president or anything.

I'm just a teacher.

A substitute teacher.

A divorced substitute teacher, who can't even afford her own place to live.

Beam me up!

"Beam me up"?

Dorothy, you believe?

Rose, they checked out what we saw, and it actually was a UFO.

Dorothy, where are you going?

We might miss the aliens.

That would be fine with me.


Dorothy, why are you talking that way?

I think it's wonderful that there are other beings out there trying to meet us.

They might have solutions to all our problems, cures for our diseases, new story lines for ALF.

They might also have tentacles on their legs so that they can suck all the blood out of our heads!

I'm sorry, Rose.

I'm sorry.

Part of me is very excited, but part of me is petrified.

I cannot relax with this.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to, because Major Barker does not want us to say a word about this to anyone until we hear from him again.

Not a word.

Is that understood?

Yes.

I thought I heard voices in here.

What you girls doing?

Oh, nothing.

We're just sitting talking.

Not talking about anything special.

The subject of aliens never came up.

Well, I can give you something to talk about - my date tonight.

Which turned out to be the most humiliating evening I've ever spent in my entire life.

So, what are we talking about?

Blanche's date.

He turned me down, again.

I'm just devastated.

Come on.

Now, Blanche, you said yourself you didn't find him that attractive anymore.

That's not the point, Dorothy.

The point is, to Blanche Devereaux, sexuality and attractiveness are two very important things.

They are Blanche Devereaux.

It just tortures me to know that there's one man out there - one on the face of God's green earth - that I cannot have.

Especially if he's fat and bald!

Blanche, forget about it.

I can't forget about it.

There's only one thing for me to do.

I'm going to call him up, and tomorrow night I'm going out with that man again.

I don't care what amount of seducing it takes, but as God is my witness, I am not returning to this house until he has begged, beseeched and pleaded with me to go to bed with him.

You know, that was the original ending to Gone with the Wind.

Oh, that was a terrific meal, Blanche.

Thanks again.

Well, you're welcome, Ham.

I just figured you deserved it before going back to that high-tension, dog-eat-dog pressure pit you work in.

Blanche, I run a miniature golf course.

Your champagne, Ms. Devereaux.

Oh, thank you, Walter.

You will forgive me if this champagne has a little effect on me, Ham.

Sometimes just having it setting on the table sets my heart to racing.

Oh!

Feel.

Lower.

No, it's like there's some kind of wild animal energy in there, pounding...

pounding and burning, yearning and lusting, just crying out to be released.

(pop)

I've never said this to another man, Ham, but...

I feel a heat between us, kind of a flame crackling and hissing.

I want you to put that flame out, Ham.

I want you to pluck me like a fruit, and wash me off in your kisses, and sink your teeth into my ripe, juicy flesh.

Let me make you happy, Ham.

All I need to know is that you want me as much as I want you.

Maybe some other time, Blanche.

That does it!

I will not let you humiliate me any longer.

You may not want me, Ham Lushbough, but I can promise you somewhere on this planet I will damn sure find some man who does!

(door opens)

Hi, girls.

How'd it go, Blanche?

Oh, perfectly.

When Blanche Devereaux sets out to seduce a man, she doesn't drag her feet.

(doorbell)

Blanche...

Well, Ham Lushbough, you sex-hungry devil!

Now, I told you, no more.

Go home and take a cold shower.

No, Blanche.

Not until you know the reason why I keep telling you that I can't sleep with you.

Ma, listen, maybe watching some TV in another room might be a good idea.

Fine, Dorothy, but keep the volume down.

Ma!

It's all right, Dorothy.

It's already out in the open anyway.

Come on in and say your piece.

Well, the reason is, we've been getting along so well as friends lately that...

I didn't want us to have another night like that night we had in college.

In college?

What are you talking about?

That night - the spring jamboree out at Grady's Motor Lodge?

I never went to Grady's with you.

Sure, you did.

I'll never forget it.

You had your hair in braids, you wore a pink bathrobe...

Pink, with a little lace trim?

Yes.

And matching slippers?

Yes.

Ham!

That wasn't me, that was my sister Virginia.

You're ki...

That was Virginia?

How could I forget that?

That was the worst night I've ever spent in bed with a woman in my life!

Wait a minute, Ham.

Are you saying the only reason you've kept turning me down is because of the bad time you had that night?

Yes.

Oh...

Oh, well, Blanche, this changes everything.

Does all that stuff you said in the restaurant still go?

I don't think so, Ham.

The moment has passed.

We could never recapture it.

Blanche, that was just 20 minutes ago.

I'm sorry, Ham, but you were just a plaything in my game of s*xual conquest.

I was gonna use you.

Use me, use me.

Good-bye, Ham.

If you leave now, we can still have our memories.

I'll trade all my memories for a quickie.

Beat it, tubbo.

Oh, I wonder what would happen if somebody called up my sister Virginia and told her this terribly embarrassing story.

I guess there's only one way to find out.

Well, I'm exhausted.

I'm going to bed.

Are you coming, Ma?

In a minute.

I gotta finish this article.

I love these military guys.

First they fly this top-secret bomber jet way off course.

Next they start denying it ever happened - like nobody ever saw it flying over downtown Miami.

Rose.

Hi, Dorothy.

Rose, there's something we have to talk about.

There was an article in today's paper.

The one about the UFO being a secret bomber?

I'm sorry, Rose.

Sorry for what?

Just because that one bomber wasn't a UFO doesn't mean we should stop watching for others.

Does it?

Oh.

Well, I guess there isn't much point in sitting out here anymore, is there?

Oh, I don't know, Rose.

It's such a nice night.

Let's stay awhile.

OK.

You know something, Dorothy?

You don't have to tell me this if you don't want to, but underneath it all you believe in them, don't you?

You did from the very beginning.

Oh, I'm glad.

It's more fun.

It's like with Santa Claus.

The best Christmas we ever had was when all eight of my brothers and sisters, from Lily to Michael, all still believed.

That must be ten years ago now.

(whoosh)

Dorothy!

Dorothy?