03x05 - A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship

[bunniefuu]

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Garden's looking nice.

Well, not to commit the sin of pride, but I know.

How did you come out of me?

So, good news.

John's coming home on Friday.

That's wonderful.

It is.

You must be thrilled.

Oh, I am.

Mm.

Little nervous?

No.

No.

No.

Be understandable if you were.

The man has been in a mental institution.

All I know is he sounded like himself on the phone, and the doctors say he's good to go.

Well, that's great.

It is.

I'm excited.

Well, good.

(CHUCKLES)

Very excited.

Okay.

I'm gonna get another beer.

'Cause you're so excited?

You know it!

Nobody else is stronger than I am Yesterday I moved a mountain I bet I could be your hero I am a mighty little man I am a mighty little man.

We need to have a talk.

Georgie, get in here!

Are we in trouble?

No one's in trouble.

- What's going on?

- Have a seat.

You're also getting talked to.

Sit.

Ha.

Okay, Dr.

Sturgis will be joining us for dinner.

Hot darn.

That guy's back?

I thought he was in the nut house.

We do not call it that.

That's what Dad calls it.

And that's why I made him sit.

We need to make sure that Dr.

Sturgis feels comfortable.

And how are we supposed to do that?

For starters, do not bring up his time in the hospital.

What if he brings it up?

You let the grown-ups handle that.

In this scenario, am I one of the grown-ups?

No.

- Great.

- You also will not stare at him during dinner.

Can I look at him at all?

Yes.

How long can I look at him before it's considered staring?

When I'm trying not to stare at girls, my rule is "two Mississippi".

I taught him that.

MARY: Just be on your best behavior.

And if you're not sure if you should say something, do not say it.

- What?

- Hey, it works.

When I hit three Mississippis, she noticed.

See?

- Told you.

- (CHUCKLES)

Meemaw and Dr.

Sturgis are out front.

They're walking up the path.

They see me.

I'm waving.

They waved back.

They're close to the door.

Even closer.

Almost there.

Door - (DOORBELL RINGS)

- bell!

Remember everything we talked about.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- Welcome!

Look who I brought!

(CHUCKLES): Hello!

Come in, come in.

It's so good to see you.

I don't normally do this, but put her there.

No mitten.

I'm honored.

It's just so wonderful to see you all again.

We've been looking forward to it.

We sure have.

(WHISPERS): One Mississippi, two Mississippi.

Uh, why are you counting?

You know Shelly.

He loves his numbers.

Let's say grace.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive and bless the hands that prepared it.

Amen.

- OTHERS: Amen.

- Dig in.

Oh, I am so excited to have a home-cooked meal.

The food in the hospital was bland-arino.

Uh, be sure to save room for dessert.

I made banana pudding.

George, tell him how good my banana pudding is.

Good pudding.

Lot of bananas.

STURGIS: Well, now, pardon me if I'm wrong, but I would totally understand if any of you felt uncomfortable about me being here after my time in the hospital.

Oh, no, we're very comfortable.

Very comfortable.

Well, just in case, I want you all to know I'm perfectly happy to answer any questions that you might have.

You sure you want to do that?

Of course.

The best way to destigmatize something is to talk about it.

May I?

Um, go ahead.

Why wasn't I allowed to visit you?

Some of the other patients there were very unwell, and I didn't want you to be disturbed by their behavior.

I got one.

Here we go.

Did they lock you up in a room?

I wasn't able to leave the hospital without being discharged, but I was free to walk the grounds.

How did you know when you were all better?

Well, it's not like a cold, where you have it and then you don't.

But I've learned skills that, uh, help me to manage my mental health.

Well, that went over my head.

I got another one.

In The Shining, Jack Nicholson goes nuts and chases people around with an a* - One question each.

- Dang it.

Should've started with that one.

MEEMAW: How 'bout a little nightcap?

Oh, I don't think so.

Got to ride the old bike home.

Oh?

I thought you were staying the night.

I wasn't planning on it.

Oh.

Okay.

Now that we're talking about this, um, we've never really discussed the status of our relationship.

Don't you worry.

As far as I'm concerned, we just pick up right where we left off.

That means a lot.

But, um I think it's for the best if we don't.

- What?

- I hope we can still be friends.

But, um, I don't think we should be in a romantic relationship anymore.

Are you crazy?

I mean, poor choice of words, but are you crazy?!

Do you I Do you mean you-you really don't want to see me anymore?

(STAMMERS)

Don't I get a say in that?

Um No.

Really?

I-I kind of think I do.

Connie, if I'm single and have another episode, it only hurts me.

If we're together, that hurts you, and I can't do that again.

I have been waiting for you this whole time.

Just more proof that you're a wonderful woman and you deserve someone you can count on.

(GROANS LOUDLY)

How about Ira from the furniture store?

He's a catch.

Now you're gonna play matchmaker for me?

I suppose I am.

You realize I could call him right now.

I think you should.

You better mean it, 'cause I'll do it.

No time like the present.

I'm doing it.

I'm dialing.

Great.

(LINE RINGING)

It's ringing.

Tell him I said hi.

(PHONE RINGS)

Rosenbloom's Fine Furniture.

Ira speaking.

Hello, Ira.

It's Connie Tucker.

Connie.

Oh, my gosh.

How are you?

He wants to know how I am.

Tell him.

I'll call you back.

(CLICK, DIAL TONE)

Can you believe it?

It sounds like he has your best interests at heart.

Men don't break up with me.

I do the breaking up.

Well, I think it's nice that you can still experience new things at your age.

Keep it up, and you won't get to my age.

So, are you gonna go out with Ira?

Well, I don't know why not.

Is that really what you want?

Well, I'm sure as hell not gonna sit home by myself while I try and figure it out.

Doesn't sound like you're being nice to Ira.

She's not nice.

Been saying it for years.

SHELDON: Mom, will Dr.

Sturgis be coming over again?

Oh.

Um - I don't know.

- He should.

We had so much fun talking about the mental hospital, we barely got to talk about science.

Well, I don't know what his plans are.

Is Meemaw coming for dinner tonight?

No.

She is busy.

With Dr.

Sturgis?

Maybe I can join them.

All my fun facts make me a welcome addition to any dinner date.

She's not gonna be with Dr.

Sturgis, sweetie.

Then I don't understand why I can't invite him over.

(SIGHS)

Your meemaw and Dr.

Sturgis are figuring out how their relationship is gonna work now that he's back.

Why does their relationship need to be any different?

It's complicated.

So, we can't have him over?

Sorry.

It's just not a good idea right now.

This isn't fair.

I find the one person in Texas who understands me and now I'm not allowed to see him?

Hello!

- Come in.

- So, uh, Connie is, uh, okay with my being here?

Don't worry about it or, you know, mention it.

Well, here's a pineapple.

It's a symbol of hospitality dating back to the 1700s.

Thank you.

How tropical.

Dr.

Sturgis, hello!

Hi!

Ooh.

Did you know the pineapple is a symbol of hospitality?

As a matter of fact, I did.

You're welcome!

I got to tell you, this is an unexpected surprise.

Here's to surprises.

'Cause last I heard, you and John were still going out.

Well, now I'm not, and I'm here with you, so let's not talk about him.

Ooh.

Sounds like this breakup is a little fresh.

Yeah, it was pretty recent.

What, like, a week?

Month?

Literally as I was calling you.

Well, I'm glad that I was the first person that came to mind.

(CHUCKLES)

Actually, you were his idea.

Still glad.

Really?

This again?

Just sit.

Where's Meemaw?

Not here tonight.

- Why?

- As I understand it, now that Dr.

Sturgis is back from the hospital, he and Meemaw are figuring out how their relationship is going to work.

What does that mean?

Sounds like she dumped him.

- (CHUCKLES)

Actually, he's the one - Sheldon, didn't you want - to talk about science stuff?

- Yes.

- Good.

Do that right now.

- STURGIS: Well, I realize being here after ending my romantic relationship with Connie is unusual.

So, as before, I'm perfectly happy to answer any questions that you might have.

I have a question.

Can I eat in front of the TV?

Sure.

Let's get back to The Shining.

When them elevator doors open, oh, man.

Let me get this straight.

Your boyfriend comes home from the mental hospital, he dumps you, and he suggests that you go out with me?

- Yeah.

- Sounds like a spite date.

Well, gosh, when you say it like that, doesn't sound great.

No.

No, no, I'm fine with it.

I just I want to make sure I got everything right.

Hospital, dumped, spite.

You got it.

All right.

I hear the creamed spinach is terrific.

GEORGE JR.

: How do relationships work for old people?

When you were young, you didn't think old women looked hot.

But now that you're old, do you?

Well, that's a very interesting question.

Can I speak to you in the kitchen?

- I want to hear the answer.

- STURGIS: I've always found your grandmother to be very hot stuff.

All right, let's go.

GEORGE JR. : But you can see her wrinkles, right?

Why don't you take John to a bar or something?

- Why?

- 'Cause the children don't need to hear about how attractive he finds their grandmother.

Why don't you take him out?

Fine.

You make sure the kids take baths and get to bed.

Oh, and Sheldon needs his fingernails trimmed.

Hey, John, what do you say you and I go grab a beer?

But we haven't cut open the pineapple yet.

You boys go ahead.

We'll eat the pineapple another time.

But we haven't had a chance to talk about science.

Ooh, can Sheldon come?

- Can I?

- No.

- Aw.

- Aw.

So, enough about me.

- What's been going on in your life?

- Oh, boy.

Well, after you and I broke up, I took the opportunity to work on myself.

Started playing tennis again.

Uh, I-I bought a telescope, which is pretty cool because you-you got to see the Moon all big and things.

And, uh, I-I tried Vietnamese food for the first time, which did not go well.

Oh, very spicy.

You wouldn't believe the heartburn.

Not enough Tums in the world.

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

This is wonderful.

Did you know the term "dive bar" originated because many establishments were below street level, and patrons had to essentially dive down to enter them.

Didn't know that.

Well, now you do.

BARTENDER: Hey, George.

- Who's your friend?

- Hey, Nate.

This is John Sturgis.

He's a scientist.

Pleased to make your acquaintance, Nate.

What can I get you?

Um, do you have sarsaparilla?

Two beers.

We'll take two beers.

I must admit, after the breakup, I was worried, but now that Dr.

Sturgis and Dad are friends, we'll be seeing even more of him.

How do we see less of him?

That is not nice.

Sorry, but I'm on Meemaw's side.

She got me a two-piece bathing suit.

SHELDON: I didn't realize we were expected to take sides.

No one needs to take sides.

When Heather M.

's parents got divorced, she said it was like picking sides, but you get twice the presents.

This isn't a divorce.

And I'm sure Meemaw and Dr.

Sturgis will still be friends.

Heather M.

's parents aren't friends.

But now she's got Barbie's DreamHouse and the pink Corvette.

You heard me.

- Mmm.

- Oh, thank you.

That looks amazing.

I love ice cream.

Did you know that they used to use the a**l glands of beavers to make it taste like vanilla?

No.

Where'd you hear that?

I understand it's difficult to, uh, milk the little sacs.

It's just something I picked up along the way.

You okay?

Yeah.

Let's eat pie.

And maybe not the ice cream.

(CHUCKLES)

Can you believe Connie was my first girlfriend?

Really?

And probably my last.

Come on, don't talk like that.

No, it's true.

She may not realize it, but this is all for the best.

I'm damaged goods.

No, you're not.

It had just been so long since I'd had an episode.

I thought I was okay.

(LAUGHS): But, clearly, I'm not, and, uh, who knows if it'll happen again.

And, uh, I just can't take the risk of putting Connie through that.

Hey, she's got problems, too.

I've seen her take a wine cooler out of the trash and finish it.

(LAUGHS)

- I'm not joking.

- Well, thank you for listening.

My pleasure.

And if you want to talk about your relationship with Mary, I'm all ears.

Intimacy issues, communication difficulties, problems in the bedroom Hey!

Pool table's open.

Ah!

Wonderful!

But if you did get a divorce, how many American Girl dolls could I get?

Your father and I aren't getting a divorce.

But more than one, right?

Are there any questions that aren't about divorce?

Nope.

Sheldon?

Is it difficult to see your mother go out with men who aren't your father?

Wow.

That's a big one.

Um I suppose it took some getting used to, but she's a grown-up, and even though Pop-Pop passed away, she deserves to be happy.

Just so you know, I'd be happy with one American Girl doll.

And we're done.

Thank you so much, Ira.

(CHUCKLES)

I really needed this.

You're welcome.

We should do it again.

What's your Friday night look like?

Oh, no, Friday's no good 'cause we're doing inventory at the store.

Oh, okay.

Well, how about the weekend?

No, no, no, that's not good for me, either.

Are you blowing me off?

Is it that obvious?

Well, I don't understand why.

I mean, I-I thought we had a nice time.

Oh, we did.

But you're still hung up on John, and I don't want to have my heart broken again, so I'm gonna respectfully pass.

Unbelievable.

I know.

It turns out I do have a shred of dignity.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm as surprised as you are.

(CHUCKLES): I'm not having a good week.

Have you played much pool?

Oh, in my undergraduate days, all the time.

It's just physics and geometry.

Is that so?

I calculate the angles in my head.

Sometimes in radians, sometimes in degrees, depending on my level of whimsy.

I'm a radians man myself.

That's a joke?

Supposed to be.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, life is funny.

A week ago, I was in a mental institution, and now I'm laughing it up in a dive bar.

Not just any dive bar.

One where everyone knows me.

And they are lucky that they do.

Excuse me!

Everyone!

- Oh, boy.

- I would like to propose a toast to George Cooper.

I don't mind telling you I'm going through a bit of a rough patch, and this man went out of his way to take me here and listen to my woes.

And George and I don't even know each other that well.

You heard it.

Y'all heard it.

But I just broke up with a woman.

A beautiful, passionate woman.

Adventurous.

Sensual.

Apparently, you're never too old for heartache.

But tonight, I found solace in the bosom of male friendship.

To George Cooper.

Drinks are on me!

ALL: To George Cooper!

(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

(SNORING)

What happened?

Oh, I had a few beers.

He had one.

Seriously?

We can't get a dog, and this guy's still here?

(SNORING CONTINUES)