03x01 - Strike Up the Band!

[bunniefuu]

(CLOCK TICKING)

(TICKING CONTINUES)

(RHYTHMIC FOOTSTEPS)

(RHYTHMIC FOOTSTEPS GROW LOUDER)

(MEN WHOOPING, WHISTLING)

("STRIKE UP THE BAND" BY GEORGE GERSHWIN PLAYING)

(MEN WHOOPING, WHISTLING)

(ROUSING CHEERS FROM CROWD)

- (MUSIC CONTINUES DISTANTLY)

- SUSIE: Three hours - for a person to do her hair.

- MIDGE: So what?

SUSIE: We have got to work on this lateness thing.

MIDGE: I was not that late.

SUSIE: We were supposed to be here at 12:00.

- It's 12:30.

- Now you're getting it.

- I'm not on first.

- That's not the point.

If they call my name and I'm there, - then I am not late.

- Yeah, that's not how lateness works.

- There's a clock involved.

- Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Hey, don't go all Gershwin on me.

This is the big leagues, kid.

Got to start acting like professionals.

- So then where's your blazer?

- What?

Your fancy new blazer.

You're scared to wear it.

How could I be scared of a f*cking blazer?

Are you?

- It's dry clean only.

- This is the big leagues, kid.

- 12:30 is f*cking late.

- Still tapping.

- (TAP SHOES MARCHING)

- SOLDIER: Present and accounted for, - except Mrs.

Maisel.

- SERGEANT: What's a Mrs.

Maisel?

SOLDIER: A singer, I assume, sir.

- Who are you?

- SUSIE AND MIDGE: Mrs.

Maisel.

- I just told him.

- He was asking me.

You're late.

This is the Army, you're not supposed - to be late in the Army.

- I'll remember not to enlist.

- Hey, we are not late.

- What?

- What?

- We were told to be here at 12:30 and we're here at 12:30 on the dot, Miriam Maisel is never late.

- Aw, you lied for me.

- f*ck you.

- There she is.

- Sergeant Mitchell Burns.

Master of Ceremonies is Major Buck Brillstein.

For the purposes of this show, you will call him Buck.

- Very reasonable.

- He'll say your name.

Wave, smile and exit the other side of the stage.

Can I smile, wave instead of wave, smile?

- You cannot.

- So serious, Mitchell.

Where'd your little boy go?

- You mean Tom?

- I No.

- No, who's Tom?

- My little boy.

Abort, abort, abort.

Right, so I exit the stage.

Wait, I do?

This isn't my set?

No.

Just your intro.

When you do go on, you do 20 minutes, applause, bow, you introduce Shy Baldwin, you leave the stage, but stay close.

At the end of the show, everyone comes on for a chorus of "White Christmas" and pictures with the troops.

Yes?

W what if I don't know "White Christmas?" Who doesn't know "White Christmas?" Well, me.

I'm Jewish.

I mean, we don't We celeb Oh, "White Christmas.

" Yes.

- Yes, I know "White Christmas.

" - Take her.

Hum a few bars?

Quite the grip you've got there.

I'm not gonna make a run for it, I am here voluntarily.

- Take her.

- Bye.

Oh, I see this grip comes standard issue.

BUCK: Miss America 1959, Mary Ann Mobley.

You don't happen to know the words to "White Christmas," do you?

BUCK: Everyone's favorite housewife, Mrs.

Maisel.

- Go.

- Hiya, boys!

BUCK: World hula hoop champion - Come.

- Oh, my My third soldier today.

This is how rumors get started.

Is this what they mean by "flyboys"?

- Hey.

- Oy.

Sorry.

I'm trying to What am I, your porter?

Here.

I'm trying to find out some info here, but unless you have boots and a buzz cut, - nobody will look at you.

- Maisel.

- Why didn't you answer?

- I was waiting for you to answer.

- You go on at 1:30.

- (SIGHS)

- You mean 1330.

- 1:30 is fine.

- I'm doing army time.

- Good for you.

Be ready at one in case we're ahead of schedule.

Think you mean 1300 hours, right?

- Where can I get ready?

- Just tell me I'm right.

- (MAN WHISTLES)

- Private Fielding, look alive.

Hey, I spent a week learning this sh*t.

- Take her to the green room.

- It's the Army.

Isn't every room a green room?

- You've got to give up.

- Never.

Ooh.

(MUSIC ENDS)

(SOLDIERS CHEERING, WHISTLING)

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

How the f*ck do I have these again?

I need to change.

Oh, wait, sorry.

- This is ours.

- But they told me to grab any open space.

Oh, no, you have to sign up.

Did you sign up?

No one told me to sign up.

Oh, you're so pretty.

Thank you.

And managed.

- You just standing there?

- Sorry.

So, rule number one for this performance?

MIDGE: Don't say "f*ck.

" Rule number two for this performance?

MIDGE: Do not say "f*ck.

" - Dress.

- And no d*ck jokes.

Army guys are sensitive about d*ck jokes.

That's why they're in the Army.

How about big d*ck jokes?

Catch.

What do you mean, big d*ck jokes?

You know, what do leprechauns and guys with big dicks have in common?

They're hard to find and incredibly lucky.

Or, his d*ck was so big, the mohel had to bring a machete.

Or, his d*ck was bigger than Disneyland, better rides, too.

Or, his d*ck was so big, it wasn't a d*ck at all.

It was a Richard.

Oh, oh!

His d*ck was so big, even when he cheated on me, his d*ck was the bigger d*ck.

(EXHALES)

- So no d*ck jokes.

- Yeah, keep it clean.

You all good?

I'm gonna to make a call.

MIDGE: I'm good, go.

Praise the Lord and pass the amm*nit*on Praise the Lord And pass the amm*nit*on Praise the Lord and pass the amm*nit*on And we'll all stay free Praise the Lord and swing into position Can't Fred, phone.

You got to order something.

We got Sanka.

- He got Sanka.

- Susie?

- You got 'em?

- Yes, we got 'em but we still don't understand the point here.

The point, Fred, is I got to negotiate this touring contract for Midge.

And other than saying I'd like for her to go, I don't know what the hell to ask for.

And I don't want them to think they're dealing with a nobody.

So, just give me some comps.

Tell me what other comics at her level made when they opened for someone like Shy Baldwin.

Okay, but this is a big favor we're doing for you here.

I had to sneak these contracts out in my bowling bag.

Now I don't have my bowling ball.

Don't worry.

Someday, I'm gonna be in a position to help you with something.

- (SCOFFS)

- I will.

You don't think I will?

I don't know.

You're so volatile.

Just read me some numbers before I use your nutsack as a speed bag.

Okay, Georgie Jessel made $10,000 a week the last time he played the Blue Angel.

Too big.

I need opening act numbers.

Phil Silvers made 12 Gs a week.

- As an opening act?

- No, for The Phil Silvers Show.

Uh-huh.

Hey, do you remember the speed bag thing?

George Burns made $10 a week before he met Gracie Allen.

George Burns made $10 a week in 1921.

- What would that be today?

- $10.

- No, I mean in today's dollars.

- $10.

Oh, Fred, my sweet, sweet Fred.

Hey, here's something, Murray Bringle made $300 opening for Lenny Fring.

Murray Bringle made $300 to open for Lenny Fring.

- Who's Murray Bringle?

- I don't know.

- Who's Lenny Fring?

- I don't know.

KENNY: Tell her if she wants to be taken seriously, she needs a weird ask.

Yes.

You need a weird ask.

What do you mean I need a weird ass?

A weird ask.

Something in your contract that's specifically weird only to you.

Like, uh, all the pillows in your room have to have a cat design on them.

- I'm not gonna do that.

- You have to.

They'll never take you seriously if you don't.

(SIGHS)

Well, how weird does it have to be?

Gleason needs two bottles of Old Forester Bourbon, a well-done steak, and a Polaroid of what the steak looked like before it was cooked.

George Burns has fresh flowers, Cuban cigars, six pairs of socks, and a bowl of butter pats.

Lenny Fring had to have cheesecloth, a length of rope, and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.

Wow.

Now I really want to know this Lenny Fring.

Hey, would you mind blowing my brains out?

- (DOO-WOP MUSIC PLAYING)

- (CHEERING)

Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum We got a little cozy at the corner shop We finished every drop, but then the boy says "One more," gives me a look That makes my stomach drop, somebody call the cops 'Cause I can see I'm done for, oh Shake it up and watch it bubble, he's gonna go And get us both in trouble My baby's sweet from bottom to the top Quick, I need a pencil.

Oh, uh What did they say?

Don't talk.

I'll forget.

Okay, what did those idiots say?

Uh, Gleason minus George minus Gracie, add back a Sahl and divide by Bringle.

- Who's Bringle?

- He opened for Fring.

- Who's Fring?

- Doesn't matter.

Okay, if my calculations are right, seems like a guy opening for a Shy Baldwin would make about $5,500 for six months.

Wow.

So we ask for $5,500.

- No.

We ask for $4,500.

- Bringle got $5,500.

- Well, Bringle's got a - BOTH: d*ck.

- Yeah.

- But that's $4,050 for you, and $450 for me.

- Really?

That's a lot.

- I know.

It would take me more than a year to make that much at B.

Altman.

I know.

450 bucks, plus I'll be subletting my apartment to Jackie.

This means I'm gonna be making the most money I made since ever.

Since ever.

- So we sign.

- Yes.

Oh, and we have to come up with something weird.

Like, you need baby goats in your dressing room, or all your hand towels have to be from Windsor Castle.

Oh, can we get that?

I would love that.

- You're still pretty.

- Mrs.

Maisel.

- Sir, yes, sir.

- You're up.

1330 on the dot.

My baby's sweet from bottom to the top - So I don't want to stop - Don't want to stop Like a bottle of pop (SOLDIERS CHEERING)

Ooh He's my bottle of pop.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Once again, the Silver Belles!

Now I hope that you're ready to laugh because next up is a very funny lady.

She's gonna be opening up for Shy Baldwin on his upcoming tour that kicks off next month, and you get a preview right now.

Emphasis on the view, it is a good one.

(CHEERING)

So give a nice Army welcome for Mrs.

Maisel!

- Tits up.

- Tits up.

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

Hello!

Wow, wow, wow!

My goodness, that is a lot of khaki.

- (LAUGHTER)

- And I just realized it is actually a very flattering color for most skin tones.

I know you're relieved.

- (LAUGHTER)

- I just want you to know how much I admire you guys.

I could never be brave enough to wear the same outfit every day.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)

My brother toyed with joining the Army.

He loved the idea of serving his country, but then he snapped a rubber band in his eye - and that was the end of that.

- (LAUGHTER)

You guys have a lot of rules here, which I totally get.

You need rules.

Women learn rules from women's magazines.

I can't make a move without consulting Family Circle or Harper's Bazaar.

Otherwise, I'd have no idea what shade of red drives a man crazy.

Little hint: it's the one with the least amount of fabric involved.

(WHOOPING)

You guys don't have magazines like that, do you?

(LAUGHTER)

You could really use an Army Men's Monthly or Gunboat Daily.

You know, you could read helpful articles like, uh, "Fashion for Foxholes," "Give Your p*stol Some Pizzazz," "How to Get Your Commanding Officer to Notice You.

" Oh, oh, oh, here's one, "Camouflage: How to Stand Out While Blending In.

" (LAUGHTER)

And for you generals in the audience, "How to Take Care of Your Privates.

" (WHOOPING)

Oh!

Here's the best, - "k*lling Men and Loving It.

" - Funny little lady.

She is.

You know, a lot of top-notch entertainers come through here.

- Uh-huh.

- Bob Hope played here.

Right on that stage.

Milton Berle, been here twice.

You know how much you'd have to pay to see Bob Hope - at the Copacabana?

- A lot.

(SCOFFS)

And then some.

Yeah, the army life is a good life.

Job security, three squares a day, excitement, travel.

- You like to travel?

- Uh, sure.

It's a great organization.

Waking up every day, proud to be an American.

Proud to serve your country, you know?

Do I?

Well, have you ever thought about joining up?

Me?

Oh, uh, no.

- Strong young man like yourself.

- I'm not that young.

- Can you play the bugle?

- I do not play the bugle.

Oh.

We need a bugler.

I just thought I'd ask.

- Ah, sorry.

- You got the cheeks for it.

- Okay.

- Well, doesn't matter.

There's a place for everyone in the Army.

Plus, you get benefits up the ass.

Well, I don't need anything up my ass at the moment, - but thank you.

- Think about it.

I will.

It'll never leave my mind again.

Trust me.

MIDGE: I feel nothing.

You guys have your own language here.

It's so fun.

A soldier said he was gonna go sit on the honey bucket, and I was like, "I've been called a lot of things, pal " I almost smacked him.

So I got to keep out of trouble here.

Maybe you fellas could run some jargon by me?

Make sure I understand it.

What are some of your other phrases?

SOLDIER 1: Direct support.

Too easy.

That's what I'm wearing under my dress right now.

SOLDIER 2: Zone of action.

Everything not covered by the direct support I'm wearing.

SOLIDER 3: Rear guard.

- Diaper cream.

- SOLDIER 4: att*ck position.

SOLDIER 5: Friendly fire.

A cute redhead.

- SOLDIER 6: Frontal fire.

- Shock action.

Frontal fire and shock action?

Isn't frontal fire what you contract when you have shock action with the wrong girl overseas?

(SOLDIER SHOUTS)

- Huh?

- SOLDIER 7: Withdrawal.

Congratulations, you're a daddy.

Oh, boy.

Well, you sure know how to make a girl feel welcome.

That's all for me today.

I'm Mrs.

Maisel.

You boys stay safe out there, 'cause you're just too cute to lose.

Thank you and good night.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What?

Oh, sh*t, sorry.

Hi.

Remember me?

I'm back.

Uh, I completely forgot to introduce Shy Baldwin.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

I mean, he thanks you.

Uh, he's so great.

A terrific singer and such a nice guy, and he gave me my break.

So here he is.

We're gonna work on that.

- So, what have we learned?

- What?

Even when you do have a stroke, you do it adorably.

The stars shine Your eyes catch mine And your light is all I can see Could there be one less angel In heaven Counting one less angel In heaven Must be one less angel In heaven 'Cause you're here smiling at me The strings play You move my way I'm soaring, now I guarantee There must be one less angel In heaven Don't tell one less angel in heaven Must be one less angel In heaven 'Cause look who's dancing with me Oh, now I'm scared I'm scared to close my eyes And open them to find you've flown away I know that I should keep My feelings in disguise But, darling, there is something That I've got to say My baby, my angel Now please won't you stay My heart stops The music drops The world falls away suddenly - Oh - There must be One angel less in heaven There was one less angel in heaven My baby said yes I'm in heaven My angel loves me She said she loves me Oh, that's heaven to me That's Heaven to me That's heaven to me.

SHIRLEY: And we bought it from the sweetest old lady.

MOSKOWITZ: The house is wonderful, Mrs.

Maisel.

SHIRLEY: It's my dream home.

My absolute dream home.

Moishe promised that one day we'd have a home just like this.

In Queens.

MOISHE: It's got a great tree.

A man is not a man until he's got a tree.

Wait.

Moishe.

Where's the kitchen?

There's no kitchen on these plans.

What did that bitch do with our kitchen?

You're looking on the second floor, Shirl.

- Look on the first floor.

- Oh.

Hey.

You still looking for a club, right?

- Looking, not finding.

- I heard about a place.

I want no part of your dastardly schemes.

It's my button guy, he's been using this space for storage for 20 years and he just gave it up.

He's a bigger deal now got into zippers.

Said it was a club once.

Uh, still has a stage and a bar, - there's even furniture.

- Really?

Great downtown location, surrounded by subways.

And it's not a dump?

All I've seen are dumps.

Teardowns.

I'm fixing this place up myself, got to keep power tools to a minimum.

I'll get you the address.

Go see for yourself.

Daddy, another lady left her lipstick.

- Thanks, kiddo.

- Go check it out.

- Say it again.

- We're gonna live in Queens!

Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

(CHEERING)

Ah Our homeward step Was just as light As the tap dancing feet Of Astaire And like an echo Far away A nightingale sang In Berkeley Square I know 'Cause I was there That night in Berkeley Square - (WHOOPS)

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Really?

Thank you very much.

BUCK: That's the great Shy Baldwin!

I am so sorry about the introduction, Shy.

I promise I will never do that again.

Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates.

I promise she will never do that again.

Susie is my manager.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

- Yeah, you too.

Hey, question: were you ever fat?

- No.

- You sound fat on your albums.

Shy, I don't what happened to the mic stand.

It's the Army.

If you can't k*ll someone with it, they-they don't care.

- Lou, I want you to meet Midge Maisel and Susie Myerson.

- Ah - This is my manager, Lou Rabinowitz.

- Hello.

Myerson.

You're the one I've been talking to six times a day.

- And you're Lou?

- Yes.

Hmm.

You don't sound bald.

Thank you.

So, it's nice to have you with us.

Everything good?

You need anything?

Here.

Once the tour starts, you'll have your regular weekly per diem.

But for now, let Uncle Lou.

That's for cab fare, train fare, candy bars, hair pins, feminine products, whatever you need.

- Well, thank you, Lou.

- You're welcome.

I need that contract.

Uh, we will be countering soon.

And more than once.

But not too much more, but more.

And we got some really weird asks, so be ready.

We are both total idiots today.

All right, now I think it's time you boys sing for your supper.

- What do you say?

- SOLDIERS: Yeah!

Shall I leave you two alone?

I just love money.

You know?

Smells great.

Feels great.

It looks great.

Just be careful.

It can break your heart.

Hey, where's that pay phone?

I need to make a call.

- BUCK: spreading peace, not w*r.

- (CHEER)

I need a volunteer.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hold on.

Ethan.

Not the floor.

- Hello?

- Bad time?

No, it's not a bad time.

Ethan, not the furniture!

Do I want to know?

He discovered the Maisel and Roth stamp.

- Oh, boy.

- Yes.

Well, maybe he'll be postmaster general someday.

One can hope.

So, how are you?

Uh, a little crazy.

- Where are you?

- What?

Why?

- Is it a secret?

- No, it is not.

I just hear voices.

I'm doing a USO show today.

Here in the city.

Warm-up gig before the tour.

- You go on yet?

- I did.

You knock 'em dead?

I did.

Literally.

Bumped into a m*ssile and blew up the barracks.

(CHUCKLES)

- So - Ethan, - not your sister!

- (ESTHER CRIES)

(SIGHS)

Go ahead.

I'm sorry I snuck out the other night.

- That's okay.

- I just had to get up early, and you were sleeping so soundly.

No explanation needed.

Okay.

Good.

I didn't want you to feel stiffed.

I mean, earlier in the night I did want you to feel stiffed, but not stiffed, like Really, it's no big deal at all.

Okay.

I just noticed What?

You didn't call.

You didn't call, either.

I know.

I just thought you'd call.

Well, I didn't think there was anything to call about.

Zelda was gonna bring the kids over the next day.

I was gonna drop them off on Wednesday.

- I know the schedule.

- So why would I call?

- Midge?

- Yes?

You mad?

- Nope.

- Did I do something wrong?

No.

You did everything right.

Twice.

S-so thanks for that.

- (ESTHER FUSSING)

- Hey.

You said one night.

And I heard you.

I just thought you'd follow up.

Something happens, you follow up.

A guy comes to fix your dishwasher, he calls later to follow up.

- No, he doesn't.

- Yes, he does.

Midge, no dishwasher repairman in the world calls later to follow up.

Well, when our dishwasher broke, the guy called later to follow up, and I appreciated it.

If he did call to follow up, it wasn't on the state of the dishwasher.

Oh, so now I f*cked the dishwasher repairman?

- Is that what you're implying?

- No.

I'm saying that a dishwasher repairman doesn't give a sh*t about your dishwasher - the minute he leaves the house.

- Oh, so that's it.

You don't care about my dishwasher anymore?

If it works or doesn't work, it means nothing to you at all.

I am not a dishwasher repairman, Midge!

If you know anything about me, it's not that I cannot repair a f*cking dishwasher!

I know you can't repair a dishwasher.

- That wasn't what I was saying.

- Well, what were you saying?

I don't know.

I've totally lost the thread of this conversation.

You made it very, very clear: one night only.

I was not supposed to think it was anything more than it was.

So I didn't.

I took you at your word and kept to the script.

I did what you asked me to do.

I just thought you'd call.

Did you want me to call?

Did you change your mind?

I'm not mad.

Listen I have to go.

Ethan's found the packing tape, and I don't know where Esther is.

- I'll call you later.

- Bye.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

BUCK (IMITATING FEMALE VOICE): Who is it?

- (SOLDIERS LAUGHING)

- It's me.

(CHEERING, WHISTLING, APPLAUSE)

(GASPS)

Hello, darling!

Mm.

(WHOOPING)

Flowers?

You had sex with my sister?

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

So, just to be clear, this is Chinatown.

Yes, this is Chinatown.

Something that Pop did not mention.

Excuse me.

This is 227 Bayard Street.

- Yes?

- Bayard.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

I don't think he speaks English.

What would I do without you, Mrs.

Moskowitz.

It's a mess, but the bones are good.

The bones are very good.

Chinatown.

You think people will come to a club in Chinatown?

- If the drinks are strong and the music's hot.

- (CHUCKLES)

- (SPEAKING CHINESE)

- Thank you.

Must be the lease.

- In Chinese?

- And English.

Thank God.

There's a dead rat over here.

We'd have to get rid of that.

Geez, is that really the price?

It's good.

Whoa!

Here's another one.

Poor thing.

He choked on a button.

And the price is locked in for five years?

Uh immediate occupancy?

I could take it now?

- (CHUCKLES)

- I think I could take it now.

I can't tell if I'm a genius or an idiot.

Well, what do you think?

We've seen a lot of shitholes.

At least this one comes with a bar, a stage, and some wildlife.

Your optimism is contagious, Mrs.

Moskowitz.

Who doesn't like wildlife, right?

You know what?

I'll take it.

(MAN CHUCKLES)

ALL: I'm dreaming of A white Christmas Just like the ones I used to know Where the treetops glisten And children listen To hear sleigh bells in the snow (OFF-KEY): Snow I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas - MIDGE: mas With every Christmas card I write May your days Be merry And bright And may all your Christmases Be white.

(CHEERING)

BUCK: That's all for us, tonight, fellas.

You stay safe, and God bless America!

Can I have a picture, Mrs. Maisel?

- Me, too.

- Easy, boys.

- You'll bruise the merchandise.

- Hey, let's throw you - in the jeep for a sh*t with some of the men.

- Sure.

Yeah, nothing like a heartwarming Christmas time g*ngb*ng photo to send home to the family.

A photo in the jeep will be fine.

Okay, everyone, say, "Government cheese!"

- SOLDIERS: Government cheese!

- Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

Merry Christmas, fellas.

- Better get one more.

- Huh?

ALL: Government cheese!

Got it.

Thank you, boys.

Have a great Christmas.

- Whew.

- Good job today.

Thanks, Mitchell.

Good luck invading Cuba.

We'll see you tonight at 1900 hours.

- Oh, now you do army time.

- What time is 1900 hours?

- 6:00.

- 7:00.

- f*ck.

- And what's happening then?

There's a dance at the canteen for the boys.

We like everyone to go, all the talent.

Did you know about this?

No one ever mentioned a canteen dance.

- What do you think?

- I don't have an outfit.

There's one right there on your body.

- Everyone's already seen it.

- Then wear the one you came in.

That's a traveling outfit.

You know these guys don't give a sh*t what you're wearing, right?

They're all picturing you without your clothes on anyway.

I'm representing Shy.

I have to look a certain way.

Look, I've yet to win a clothing argument, - so it ain't gonna happen.

- But it's tradition.

It's for the boys.

I guess I could go home and grab an outfit.

- Can someone give us a ride?

- I can arrange that.

- Private Lawrence.

- I think I'm gonna stay here and wait for you.

You sure you don't want to go home and grab your fancy blazer?

- For the boys?

- Don't want to overwhelm them.

Okay.

Be back as soon as I can.

g*dd*mn it.

ANNOUNCER (OVER P. A. ): Susie Myerson.

Phone call for Susie Myerson.

Susie Myerson.

JACKIE: Oh, there you are.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

I'm over at your apartment.

What the hell are you doing at my apartment?

I'm getting the place ready for my sublet.

You don't expect me to live like you do.

Get out of my apartment.

Relax.

I'm just taking some measurements.

For what?

You need drapes.

The whole f*cking street can watch you do whatever weird sh*t you do.

- No drapes.

- It's too sad.

There's no feminine touch.

- Jackie!

- Anyhow, I'm here and someone shows up who wants to talk to you.

Who?

Jackie.

Jackie?

Who?

Why do you live here?

Let me rephrase that.

You don't live here.

Not anymore.

I forbid it.

- Sophie.

- I am furious with you.

- It's rent-controlled.

- Not about that.

- I know I owe you a call.

- A call?

You owe me a call?

I asked you to be my manager.

You owe me more than a call.

- Your manager?

No sh*t?

- Never speak again.

I offered you the chance of a lifetime, and then I sat by the phone like a virgin on prom night.

Finally, I realized you were not going to call.

I was gonna call.

So I had to come to you.

Here.

Below 14th Street.

I had to walk down stairs.

I had to touch a doorknob that was alive.

I had to talk to your husband.

- He's not my f*cking husband!

- I'm not her husband.

- Give me a f*cking heart att*ck.

- Christ, my f*cking heart.

Well, why is someone who is not your husband neck-deep in my fur?

- Can't answer that.

- It's freezing in here.

It is freezing in here.

Sophie, I'm sorry, really, but can I call you back later?

- Where are you?

- At a USO show.

- I don't do USO shows.

- It's not for you.

Well, then I don't want to hear about it or any other excuse you might be conjuring up.

I don't give a flying merde.

Do you understand who I am?

What I am to this business?

- I do.

- And yet you made me track you down.

The last time I had to track someone down was to tell Desi Arnaz he gave me the clap.

I'm sorry, about this and the clap.

The clap was worth it.

This isn't.

Now I have been patient, and I'm out of patience.

I want an answer to my question and I want it right now.

Are you my manager or are you not?

ABE: Rose, I don't understand why - (BANGING)

- What is that?

- I demand you tell me exactly what you - (BANG)

Okay, maybe demand's too strong.

I want you to see what our lives cost.

I know what it cost, and you're smoking in the house.

How much does Zelda make?

Zelda makes $30 a week.

- Wrong.

- What do you mean wrong?

You can't just say "wrong" to me.

Zelda makes $60 a week.

That's impossible.

I pay her $30.

- And then I pay her the rest.

- With what?

With the money from my trust fund.

You really think we live like this on your salary?

You really think that Miriam has all those fabulous clothes because you were a professor at Columbia?

The vacations, the dinners, the cocktail parties you think all that exists because you taught eight hyper-intelligent, emotionally-Ret*rded eunuchs to draw symbols on a chalkboard.

I think you're oversimplifying my classes.

Do you know one other professor who lives the way we do?

- Milk is 49 cents a gallon?

- Not one.

They all have drab clothes and gray skin and they die young.

You're telling me that you paid for all of these things - out of your trust fund?

- Yes.

You told me that trust fund was just there to buy me birthday presents.

Well, happy f*cking birthday, Abe.

Now cut the crap and go get our lives back.

This is ridiculous.

All this talk is about possessions and things.

I mean, look at this apartment.

Who needs all these rooms?

A living room, a dining room, a kitchen, two bathrooms.

I have a room, you have a room, Miriam has a room, her children have a room.

And the coup de grâce: this whole room is for our daughter's clothes.

Clothes and clothes and more clothes and I was never a materialistic man, Rose.

I cared about science and thought and bettering mankind.

Now look at me.

I'm wearing two sweaters.

Rose, tell me, when did I become a man who needs five bedrooms?

When did I become a man who-who needs a linen closet?

When did I become a man who has a maid?

When did I change?

When did I become this selfish, materialistic man?

Th-the kind of man I used to despise.

- When you married me.

- I didn't say that!

Hi, it's me!

I just have to change and get back to the airfield.

Hey, what happened to my clothes?

Have you worn all these dresses?

- Have I - Because I don't think you've been on Earth long enough even at a rate of two per day.

- Okay, what is happening?

- What do you mean, "What is happening"?

- Have you not been paying attention?

- She never pays attention.

Our whole lives are going down the toilet.

- Where the hell have you been?

- She's been out.

Doing whatever it is she does at night.

Oh, and I suppose that's my fault, too.

- You know what I'm doing at night.

- If you hadn't met me, then I wouldn't be Miriam's mother and she wouldn't be turning to prostitution - instead of being married.

- I am not a prost*tute.

I'm a comic.

- Is there a difference?

- Yes, prostitutes get paid more.

Hilarious.

- You should go into comedy.

- I did.

I can't deal with you now.

I have enough to worry about.

Yes.

You have to figure out where we're gonna live.

- Okay.

- How we're gonna pay for it.

- Enough.

- And the going rate of Zelda.

- So you took it out on my clothes?

- He saved you the trouble.

You have to move them anyway because this is not - our home anymore.

- It was never ours.

Columbia always owned it.

We would've had to move eventually.

- Yes, when we d*ed.

- Still, a deadline.

- Oh.

- Blue dress, blue dress.

- What are you doing?

- I need a dress for tonight.

You see?

Selfish.

That's the daughter that we raised.

Now wait a minute, don't turn whatever this fight is around on me.

I am hardly the selfish one here.

What does that mean?

I couldn't believe it when Mama told me what you did.

- What I did when?

- Columbia?

Quitting?

Giving up the apartment?

I am still in shock.

That situation has nothing to do with you.

What are you talking about?

I live here.

My children live here.

But you shouldn't be living here, should you?

You shouldn't be living here, your children shouldn't be living here.

You should be living with your husband, - at your own place.

- My husband walked out.

Sure, but then another one walked in.

Yes, a doctor.

What the hell happened with Benjamin anyway?

- You know what happened with Benjamin.

- ABE: No.

- I don't.

- We were looking through magazines, planning menus.

- And I had to sit with him all morning.

- I told you, - it wasn't right.

- Is it another man?

- No.

No.

- No?

- No?

- Seriously, break the logjam.

I'd follow her if I were you.

MIDGE: Mama.

Mama, can we please finish this conversation?

"Dear Upper West Side, thank you for bringing your umbrella.

I'm at The Den Friday and Saturday night if you feel like dropping by.

If not, I'll see you next time I'm in town.

Lenny.

" - Who is Lenny?

- Lenny's a sissy's name.

- Lenny Bruce.

- Bruce is a thug's name.

- He's a comedian.

- Oh, God.

So this Lenny Bruce is the reason that you left Benjamin?

- What?

No.

- He sends you flowers.

I am not spending the morning with him.

You can tell him that right now.

Will you listen to me?

I said he was just a friend.

I can't believe you dropped a surgeon to go out with some comedian.

I did not drop Benjamin for Lenny.

You are frivolous and flighty.

And that's what happens when you let someone have an entire room for skirts.

Oh, yes, Abe, it's my fault that she's like that, is that it?

I didn't say that, but I am not her shopping buddy.

Oh, you know what, I've had it.

I'm tired of hearing my husband of 31 years blame me for everything.

Blame me because he's not a freedom fighter.

Blame me because he's not Che Guevara.

That's ridiculous.

Che Guevara isn't Jewish.

I'm sorry, Abe.

I'm sorry that you weren't there to bring Stalin down.

I'm sorry your hair's not unkempt and you're not growing a full beard and you're not fornicating with syphilitic poets.

I'm sure your beatnik hero Jack Krack-a-wack must be - just rife with syphilis.

- Do you mean Jack Kerouac?

- Oh - Who?

Jack Kerouac.

On the Road?

Oh, for God's sake, you should know him.

- You're young.

- I don't read.

I How a daughter of mine developed absolutely no intellectual or social curiosity or sense of responsibility is beyond me.

Oh, please.

Please.

How dare you double-please me.

You don't even know who Lenny Bruce is.

You blather on and on about free speech.

He's out there getting arrested in the name of free speech.

He's talking about things no one has the balls to talk about.

You put down comedy and what I do.

You don't even know what goes on out there.

This guy is the real deal, but you just scoff and pretend that he's nothing.

That is ignorant.

You are ignorant.

Found my dress.

Well, you can wear that, it's been on the floor it needs to be steamed.

And you quit your piano lessons!

- MIDGE: When I was eight!

- You just quit.

You're a quitter.

I hated piano.

Of course you hated piano didn't come with a costume.

MIDGE: I was a terrible player.

The neighbors complained.

- My teacher used earplugs.

- But you should not have quit.

That sets the tone for an entire life.

I have to go.

I have to work.

Ah.

You quit piano, you quit your marriage, you quit Benjamin.

I wouldn't be surprised if you quit this comedy thing, too.

Never.

- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

- (GATE SQUEAKS OPEN)

(GATE SQUEAKS CLOSED)

- So this is it.

- How do you already have keys?

I signed the lease, they gave me the keys.

Joel Maisel, strikes a hard bargain.

- Let it be known!

- How much?

- $500 a month.

It's a steal.

- (CHUCKLING): Hey!

- You've already got a bar.

- And a stage.

Probably needs shoring up, but the layout's perfect.

What's with all the buttons?

One of my dad's suppliers was using it as storage.

That's how I heard about this place.

Buttons, buttons The Button Club.

There's your name.

Looks like I found my creative director.

- I don't come cheap.

- That's not what I heard.

I think you got a bargain, buddy.

Really.

Timing's good, too.

Mom and Pop are in a good place, and with my divorce getting finalized now - Aw, sh*t.

- Nah, it's fine.

It's good.

- Really.

It's a new beginning.

- Okay.

So when do we start?

- We?

- I'm your creative director.

Try and stop me.

Unless you're Imogene, who will try and stop me.

(CHUCKLES)

We'll need a couple of crowbars, - a ton of sandpaper - (SHOUTING IN CHINESE)

- Joel?

- I don't know.

- Where does that door go?

- I never saw that door.

You leased a space with a scary mystery door?

No.

Yes.

I don't know.

(SHOUTING, CLAMORING IN DISTANCE)

(SHOUTING, CLAMORING STOPS)

(SHOUTING, CLAMORING RESUMES)

- Archie?

- I don't know.

- sh*t.

sh*t!

- You can say that again.

I've already signed a lease.

I've put money down.

(WOMAN SHOUTING IN CHINESE)

Hi.

- Hi.

- Hello.

You the new tenants?

I'm the new tenant.

What the hell is going on in there?

- Where?

- Behind you, in there.

Nothing.

What's your name?

Forget my name.

What is that?

- Who are those people?

- Family gathering.

- Really?

Your family?

- Yup.

- Yup.

Yup.

- All of them?

- The guy serving drinks?

- My cousin.

- JOEL: He was wearing a name tag.

- I have a lot of cousins.

Those people in there are gambling.

- What?

No.

- We saw dice, we saw cards.

They're throwing cash around.

I always liked this space.

What's it gonna be?

A club.

Look, don't change the subject.

I need to know what's going on.

I don't want to get tied up in something illegal.

Nobody's gonna tie you up.

What kind of club?

I signed a lease, I made a deposit.

You know, a long time ago, this was a club.

A magic club.

One night, the guy made a woman disappear.

No one ever found her again.

Wait, what?

Something happened to her?

No, he was just a really bad magician.

- Listen - Or maybe a really good one.

No, that is not a true story, just like a family gathering is not a true story.

- That is not your cousin.

- Okay, so it's been nice talking to you.

You shouldn't come through this door again.

- Wait.

- Leave us alone, we'll leave you alone.

Or what I'll disappear?

Well, that's silly.

(WHISPERS): I'm not a magician.

sh*t.

- Buddy, it's fine.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

We leave them alone, - they'll leave us alone.

- (DOOR OPENS)

Mmm.

Mmm.

I quit.

The moon was - All aglow - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

And heaven was in your eyes (COUGHS)

I'm I'm here to see Lenny Bruce.

$2. 50 cover, two drink minimum.

Well, all right, and that's if you drink both drinks, or just in general?

In general.

Okay.

The night that you told me Those little white.

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

Thank you.

Oh, that's a very nice welcome.

Uh, did any of you happen to catch me on The Steve Allen Show?

- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

- Yeah.

I cleaned up very nicely, if I do say so myself.

I, uh I sang a little song, I offended no one.

You see, often I am billed at nightclubs with a sign that says, "For Adults Only.

" I am very interested in the motivation for that billing.

I must assume that "for adults only" means that my point of view would be a deterrent to the development of a well-adjusted member of the community.

See, the argument is a child will ape the actions of an actor.

What he sees now in his formative years, he may do as an adult, so then we must be very careful what we let the child see.

So then I would rather my kid see a stag film than The Ten Commandments or The King of Kings, because I don't want my kids to k*ll Christ when he comes back.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Well, that's what they see in those pictures that v*olence.

Well, let me just take your kids to a dirty movie then.

All right kids, uh, sit down now, the picture's about to start.

Oh, it's not like Psycho, with lots of four-letter words, like, "k*ll" and "maim" and "hurt.

" No, it's a dirty movie.

Okay.

A couple is coming in now, and, uh Oh.

The guy is picking up the pillow.

Oh, he'll probably smother her with it, that'll be a good opening.

Oh, the degenerate, he's putting it under her ass.

- (LAUGHING)

- Jesus.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Oh, I hate to show this crap to you kids.

Uh Oh, right, now he's raising his hand.

He'll probably strike her, and, uh Nope, he's caressing her and kissing her.

- Oh, this is disgusting.

- (LAUGHING)

All right, now he's kissing her some more, and, uh Oh, she's saying something.

Uh, she'll probably scream at him, "Get out of here!" No, no, she's saying, "I love you.

I'm coming.

" Oh, kids, I'm sorry that I had to show you anything like this.

God knows it'll be on my conscience for the rest of my life.

I never did see one stag film where anyone got k*lled in the end, or even slapped in the mouth, or where there was any Communist propaganda.

(CHUCKLES)

I can tell from the body language the police think the show's about to get interesting.

- (AUDIENCE MURMURS)

- Did you see me on Steve Allen?

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

- No.

Ah, well.

That's too bad, you would've liked it.

Uh Okay, so I want to point out the "God made the body" paradox of the decent people who would object to this, uh, groovy-looking chick.

- (AUDIENCE WHOOPS)

- Now, if I'm dressing, and I see that chick there, Miss September, across the way, I'm gonna look.

- That's it, Bruce.

- But, see, in our society, it's pull down the shade and charge two bucks to get in.

- Let's go, now.

- That's what repression does.

The obscenity law, when everything else boils away, is does it appeal to the prurient interest?

Well, I want to know what's wrong with appealing to the prurient interest.

No, I really want the Supreme Court to stand up and tell me that f*cking is dirty and no good.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

All right, I'm coming.

I'm coming.

You actually let me get a lot farther that time, thank you.

- Yeah, let's go.

- (JEERING, BOOING)

Here, you take it.

A-Are they arresting him?

Wait, are you arresting him?

- Sit down, sir.

- B b but you you can't do that.

- He he's just talking.

- I mean it.

Look, I understand you don't like it.

I don't either, really.

It was obscene, repulsive, that girl was clearly very cold.

Who wants to see that?

But that's not really for you to decide, is it?

Listen to the man, he's wearing two sweaters.

I'm telling you for the last time, sir, sit down.

I won't sit down.

I don't have to sit down.

I have the right to stand, don't I?

- (AUDIENCE CHEERS)

- Wh what, i is standing and talking illegal now?

- Or just standing?

- Okay, you want to come, too?

Right.

How about leaning?

Where do you land on leaning?

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

(MAN SHOUTING IN DISTANCE)

Gandhi went to jail.

Galileo d*ed under house arrest.

Emma Goldman was deported.

I just tell jokes, man, that's all.

You misspoke, though.

- I'm sorry?

- (CHUCKLES)

You called the woman Miss September.

She was Miss December.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

There was a wreath in the lower left corner.

I think you still made your point, though.

The flowers were very nice, by the way.

- SUSIE: Are you in?

- SOLDIER: Yeah, I'm in.

- SOLDIER 2: Me, too.

- I'm out.

Oh, such a girl.

Give me one.

So who else do you know?

Annette Funicello?

- No.

- Give me three.

- Barbara Stanwyck?

- Nope.

Ava Gardner?

No, guys, no.

I don't know people like that.

- But you're in show business.

- We don't all hang out together.

Do you know Jayne Mansfield?

Actually, her I know.

She's my cat's godmother.

- (GASPS)

- Really?

No.

Jesus.

You guys are so gullible.

- I'm out.

- Hey, Myerson.

Your girl's back and she's looking for you.

sh*t.

Okay, I got to go.

Hey, listen, I have three of a kind, - so if you can b*at that, the pot's yours.

- (SCOFFS)

Ah, I got nothing!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Hey!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

("WIGGLE WIGGLE" BY THE ACCENTS PLAYING)

Do do-do do do-do do wop wop Do do-do do do do wop wop Do do-do do do do wop wop Do-do-do wop wop, do do You don't have to be pretty You don't have to wear fine clothes All you gotta do is just walk along - Hey.

- Where have you been?

I've been here so long, I almost had to go home and change again.

- It's a good outfit.

- Thanks.

- Where's Shy?

- I don't know.

I don't see him or any of the band here yet.

Well, maybe they tell time like you do.

Uh, Mitchell, where's everyone else?

Everyone who?

Shy.

The band.

Oh, they're not coming.

What do you mean they're not coming?

This is a dance for the boys.

We didn't need a band.

- But you told me to be here.

- I know.

We needed to make sure there were enough girls to go around.

You know, a room full of sure things.

What are you talking about?

Well, the base is far.

We have to ship girls in from Jersey.

Another busload should be arriving soon if you're worried about the workload.

I'm sorry, what exactly do you expect me to do with these guys?

Dance.

Just dance.

She's not a dancer.

She's a g*dd*mn comic.

Yes, but, unfortunately, she's also extremely attractive.

Well, that is very flattering.

And I did take ballet as a girl.

Hey.

Do not let that sway you.

- Stay mad.

- It's her patriotic duty.

Look around.

Ten percent of these boys are gonna wind up dead.

You're not even at w*r.

What, are they gonna have a car accident?

Trip on the tarmac and get run over by a plane?

Happened twice.

Ah, great.

The bus.

Well, this isn't humiliating at all.

I say let's go.

No, it's a dance.

For the boys.

I can dance.

Geez, what part of Jersey are these woofers from?

You are gonna be very popular tonight.

You think that punch is spiked?

(SIGHS)

It is now.

Hey, listen, uh (CLEARS THROAT)

before you completely debase yourself - for your country - Mm.

there's something I need to tell you.

Is it that I'm unfortunately extremely attractive?

It is not.

I have a chance, an opportunity to do something.

It's pretty big.

Ooh.

Exciting.

What?

I'm gonna manage Sophie Lennon.

- Who?

- Sophie Lennon.

- You're gonna - Manage Sophie Lennon.

- This is a joke, right?

- Hey, let's dance!

(GRUNTS)

You can put a wiggle in a shimmy sack Christ.

Move.

Now, listen to me, little girl You're as cute as you can be But forget all about your beauty, girl Tell me it's a f*cking joke.

- SOLDIER: Hey, where'd you go?

- Jesus.

No, it's not Do do-do do do-do do wop wop Do do-do do do-do do wop wop Do-do-do do do do Because, clearly, it has got to be a joke.

- There is no way you could - Let's go!

seriously be telling me that you are (GRUNTS)

Excuse me.

Please stop.

Look.

Look, I-I know this is a shock, and I get why you'd be mad.

Uh, mad?

Oh, no, I'm not Stop.

I'm not mad.

I am too angry to be mad.

That doesn't make sense.

Sophie Lennon is my sworn enemy.

Hey, maybe don't say "sworn enemy" - in a room full of soldiers.

- Susie.

I didn't go looking for this, okay?

She summoned me to her house, and I only went because of you.

- Me?

- Yes.

I wanted to try to smooth sh*t over so she'd stop messing with you.

And the next thing I knew, she's talking to me about how I defended you, how I fought for you, and she wants me to do that for her.

That psychotic giraffe of a woman has been trying to destroy me for a year.

I know.

I was there.

She's a nightmare.

A monster.

A hack.

She hates me.

Hey, Sophie is a big star.

You understand?

This is business.

You want me to turn down a giant opportunity?

- Yes.

- Okay, then what was all that Susie Myerson and Associates bullshit, huh?

That was your idea.

I mean, if you are my only client, then what are all these other associates gonna be doing?

Helping you pick out your hats?

If I am gonna do this, then I have to do this.

And what am I supposed to do?

Just forget the fact that she had me blackballed from every club in town?

If I'm her manager, I'm sure that will stop.

Are you kidding me?

Look, my apartment is $40 a month, and I have to sublet it to Jackie.

To Jackie a man that will definitely sit bare-assed on my one leather chair.

There's no choice there.

I can't afford not to.

When you make $4,000, I make $400.

And in case you're wondering, that's less.

- f*ck you.

- This changes nothing.

- SOLDIER: Conga!

- I You are still everything to me, but I can't go around calling myself a manager if I'm not gonna act like a manager.

So you are definitely doing this?

I have to.

(CONGA MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Oh DANCERS: Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

Abe Weissman.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Wait.

What?

You bailed me out?

Yes.

Well, she I bailed you out.

Okay.

Thanks.

I thanked him for the flowers.

("JAILBREAK" BY THIN LIZZY PLAYING)

Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak Somewhere in this town See, me and the boys, we don't like it So we're getting up and going down Hiding low, looking right to left If you see us coming, I think it's best To move away, do you hear what I say From under my breath Tonight, there's gonna be a jailbreak Somewhere in the town Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak So don't you be around Don't you be around Tonight there's gonna be trouble Some of us won't survive See, the boys and me mean business Bustin' out, dead or alive I can hear the hound dogs on my trail All hell breaks loose, alarm and sirens wail Like the game if you lose Go to jail Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak Somewhere in the town Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak So don't you be around Tonight there's gonna be trouble I'm gonna find myself in Tonight there's gonna be trouble So, woman, stay with a friend.