03x03 - Panty Pose

[bunniefuu]

HARRY: Wow, what a day huh?

What a day.

I guess.

Harry, why'd you call me down here?

Just to talk.

It was a battle, you won.

Congratulations.

- Thanks.

- I mean, representing Sophie Lennon you're a real macher now, Susie.

You know what, forget coffee.

Linda, bring the champagne.

The '49 Dom.

- We need to celebrate.

- Harry, no.

What, '49 Dom not good enough for you?

- You know what I mean.

- You didn't bring a lawyer.

Are there any left?

I'm just surprised, that's all.

You asked me to come down, so I came.

- I didn't know it was a whole lawyer thing.

- What, you thought I asked you here - for a cheese tasting?

- Mr.

Drake, Groucho Marx is on the line.

- Tell him I'll get back to him.

- Yes, sir.

Look at that.

Groucho waits for you.

You should see something.

Now, normally I'd hand this over to your team.

But you didn't know this was a whole lawyer thing.

- What is this?

- It's my contract with Sophie.

You knew that I had one, right?

Yes, Harry, I wasn't born yesterday.

And that it goes for another five and a half years.

You knew that, too, right?

- Yeah, I did.

- Good.

Because for that period of time, I own everything.

She tells a joke, I own it.

She makes a funny face, I own it.

She cuts a fart, and someone laughs, I own it.

- You get me?

- Yeah, I get it.

She cuts the cheese, you get a slice.

What, you think this is funny?

No, but I do think you're just trying to scare me.

How am I doing?

I've got to use the facilities.

Follow the signs.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Five and a half years?

f*ck me.

- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(DOOR RATTLING)

Hey, what part of I'm in here taking a sh*t don't you understand?

- Local commercials.

- I beg your pardon?

You've got her for national commercials and TV and movies and radio and her live act and print ads, and for some reason, any event featuring a live animal, but you do not have her for local commercials.

- HARRY: Is that so?

- Yep.

Nothin', nada, zip, ha!

Wow, you got me.

Gentlemen, how did we leave all that lucrative Sophie Lennon local commercial money on the table?

I'm-I'm livid.

Susie, I got to tell you, it's truly been a pleasure.

But now I got to go call Groucho Marx, and you got to go call Guido's Body Shop in Staten Island and line up a local commercial.

Sophie'll look great sitting on top of a Pontiac.

Just make sure a chimpanzee in a top hat isn't sitting up there next to her.

'Cause then, it's mine.

Good luck, Susie.

Yeah.

Thanks a million, Harry.

Sure.

Oh, hey, uh, did she mention Strindberg yet?

- Who?

- (CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna let you have that one, too.

Strindberg.

My gift to you.

Have a good day.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

SUSIE: Guys ever trade places just for fun?

- Dead dogs.

- Not this again.

You'd be fine living in a building full of dead dogs.

Rose, they don't store the dead dogs in the building.

They cart them out as soon as they're dead.

You're suddenly an expert.

The veterinarian is in the basement of the building.

We'll never see the dead dogs.

The spirits of the dead dogs will be galumphing through the building.

ABE: Dead dogs don't have spirits.

And if they did, they wouldn't galumph, - they would trot or canter.

- Ugh.

MIDGE: This is officially the dumbest conversation you two have ever had.

I liked that place on 65th, and it was affordable.

ROSE: Because it was on top of a construction zone.

Lincoln Center.

Once it's finished, we can walk to the opera.

We'll be in wheelchairs by the time they finish Lincoln Center.

ABE: So we'll roll to the opera.

- (SIGHS)

- You guys are moving out in a week.

You have to make a decision.

Your father's being stubborn.

Your mother's being stubborn.

- What about my kitchen?

- ABE: Oh, please.

There better not be a bathtub in my kitchen.

We got bigger fish to fry, Zelda.

You want me to fry fish, I need a decent kitchen.

Brisket in an hour or so, guys.

Where is everybody?

We need to get things going here.

We-we need to know what all they're going to take.

I still don't know how we're supposed to know what we're not gonna need in a place we haven't found yet.

So you'd prefer to pack everything we own into a one-bedroom, like we're the Collyer brothers.

We're not the Collyer brothers.

They had an apartment.

They'll be pulling our decomposing bodies out, first yours, then mine, crushed under a pile of garbage.

Why is my body the first to decompose?

This is officially the second-dumbest conversation you guys have ever had.

- ASTRID: Hello!

- Thank God a distraction.

- Hello, Astrid.

- Hello, Rose.

How are you feeling, dear?

Oh, I'm carrying a human life inside me.

- Mystery solved.

- Yeah.

- (GASPS)

- Hi, Mom.

What is this?

Astrid had a premonition, a dream.

It was about my face.

There were gnomes, I don't know.

Bottom line, shaving is bad luck.

I'm just being cautious.

You can't be too cautious.

- I'm gonna need a straw.

- Want to touch?

- Not really.

- ETHAN: Esther's gone!

She ran away!

Esther's gone!

- ASTRID: What?

- NOAH: Oh, my God.

Esther's not gone, ignore him.

Oh.

Baruch hashem.

Mwah.

Touch my belly?

- It's a mitzvah.

- Maybe later.

ETHAN: She's gone!

She's really gone!

- NOAH: Ethan.

- He wants to be an only child, and he's been trying to will it into existence.

ABE: Rose.

I want to talk to you about the dead dogs in the bedroom.

Good.

Because I have a lot more to say about this.

ETHAN: Esther's gone, Mommy.

There are dead dogs in the bedroom?

- What is this?

- Esther's gone!

I'm an only child!

- Esther's gone!

- MIDGE: U-turn, kiddo!

Ever since I got pregnant, I've been dreaming like mad.

I know.

We saw the beard.

(WHISPERS): No.

Sex dreams.

I haven't had sex dreams since I converted to Judaism.

- You think there's a connection?

- (ABE AND ROSE ARGUING IN DISTANCE)

I'm just so nervous all the time.

I keep thinking that something's gonna go wrong.

You are healthy - as a very pretty, skinny horse, Astrid.

- Oh.

But you'll have to move this hand out of the way eventually.

The doctor's gonna have to get in there.

ABE: So, you're saying a rat has a soul?

- A rat?

- ROSE: Yes.

It's small and ugly, but it's there.

This brisket looks very undercooked.

That's what happens when pesky brothers keep opening oven doors.

Just saying.

Touch my belly.

I would love to.

Really?

(CHUCKLES)

You're gonna be a mommy.

I know.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- MOISHE: Ding-dong!

SHIRLEY: We're here!

MOISHE: Where's the free stuff?

- Japan?

- France.

Huh.

Looks like Japan.

We got a lot of rooms at our new place in Forest Hills.

- Lot of space to fill.

- ABE: Yes, I believe you've mentioned that before, Moishe.

Just tell us what you'd like to take.

Our finishes are beautiful, so we're holding the furniture to a very high standard.

- ROSE: As you should.

- Nope.

- What?

- MOISHE: Sorry.

Doesn't pass the tush test.

The tush tells me whether it's happy or not.

That tush it's a gift.

Trust the tush.

Taiwan?

France again.

It's quite expensive.

I'm sure it's expensive.

Just doesn't look it.

- Nope.

- Oh.

- Tush always knows.

- Trust the tush.

Fine, Moishe.

Don't take anything.

The bowl with the nuts is something we could use.

The nuts we don't need, but we could use the bowl.

I'm waiting for your tush to chime in.

ROSE: Take the bowl, Moishe.

MIDGE: He wasn't kidding!

Ethan wasn't kidding!

Esther's gone.

She ran away.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

- (ESTHER CRYING)

- She was just coming out - to greet her daddy.

- Oh, thank God.

Esther, what were you thinking?

ETHAN: Told you.

MIDGE: Got a few things set aside for the cab ride to your place to keep the kids occupied, and everything else is boxed and labeled and ready to go.

Good thing I brought my forklift.

I just got everything together.

Even carved out time to make one last brisket.

- Really?

I don't smell it.

- (ABE AND ROSE ARGUING IN DISTANCE)

MOISHE: Are you taking the tablecloth, Shirl?

SHIRLEY: I can cut it into doilies!

- ROSE: Then come up with another idea.

- ABE: Fine.

Look, Midget, Mom found one of my old books.

Tom Swift and His Magnetic sil*ncer.

- Still holds up.

- ABE: North Manhattan.

Inwood.

- The oven's not working.

- Yeah, I told you that.

- Zelda?

- Yes, Miss Miriam?

See if Mrs.

Fulber is awake, coherent and willing to cook my brisket for two hours at 375.

- Right away.

- ROSE: You're trying to move us to the Bronx.

ABE: Few dead dogs don't sound so bad now, do they?

- ROSE: Who are you?

- How long's that been going on?

- Fire escape.

- ABE: Stop with the histrionics.

ROSE: Histrionics?

This from a man who quit not one - but two jobs in the same day.

- (DOORBELL RINGING)

- Dawes.

- Miss Myerson.

- Come in.

- Look, Dawes, I'm not sure how caught up you are on all this, but I'm in business with your boss now, okay?

And I just think it would be smart for you to maybe drop the attitude, - treat me with the respect that I - Jenkins.

(SUSIE GRUNTS)

What the f*ck?

DAWES: Your coat, miss.

This isn't over.

SOPHIE: Hello, Susie.

- Sophie, hi.

- (SOPHIE CHUCKLES)

So, here we are.

- Off to the races.

- Yes, ma'am, off to the races.

(CHUCKLES)

Let's repair to the library.

DAWES: I'll be here, miss.

(MEN LAUGHING, SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Sounds like the writers have a winner.

Let's check in.

MAN (WHISPERING): Hey.

- (SHUSHING)

- Hello, boys.

- Hi, Sophie.

- Remember me, Sophie?

Oh, I heard laughter.

- What do you got for me?

- TED: Phil.

Phil.

Well, I think we've got a couple of winners here - for you, Sophie.

- SOPHIE: Let's see.

Psst.

Herb.

Oh!

Hi, Susie.

- You're working for Sophie, huh?

- HERB: Yeah.

Going on 20 years now.

- We used to be married.

- (CHUCKLES)

Which one are you laughing at, Sophie?

The one about the potholes?

That was mine.

The Aunt Jemima joke?

That was mine.

- Keep going.

- TED: Okay, Sophie.

- Thanks, Sophie.

- You got it, Sophie.

-Coming right up.

- Susie, what time is it?

Uh, around 3:00.

A. M. or P. M. ?

You're joking, right?

Could you get word to my mom?

Tell her I'm okay?

I got to go.

Welcome to the library.

Books feed me.

Wow, looks like you ate all of them.

- Beg your pardon?

- I just said "impressive.

" Sit.

I want to show you something.

Yes.

Very exciting.

Here.

- Strindberg.

- Mm, you've heard of him.

- Actually, I have.

- Mm-hmm.

He's one of the great playwrights.

A true master.

I was at an orgy once, and the man behind me kept raving on and on about August Strindberg.

Turned out to be Eugene O'Neill.

Small world, huh?

- Ain't it, though?

- (CHUCKLES)

Miss Julie.

My dream role.

Now give me your thoughts.

Who do you see for Jean?

(CHUCKLES): Oh, God.

So many.

- Lunt?

- Lunt's good.

Love Lunt.

- Yes.

- Or Pope.

The pope could do it.

Does he speak English?

- Michael Pope, the actor.

- Of course, yes.

- Michael Pope.

He's good, too.

- Mm-hmm.

Hey, a-are we talking Broadway here?

You don't think it should be off-Broadway.

- No, I'm just wondering.

- Do you not believe in me?

- No, I do.

- If I wanted to be with someone who didn't believe in me, I'd have stayed with Harry Drake.

No, it should be on Broadway.

Absolutely.

Well, then, I need your assurance.

I need to know that this will happen and that your other commitment will not get in the way.

No, it won't.

It absolutely won't.

I hear she's opening for Shy Baldwin.

- She is.

- He was rude to me in Paris last year.

Shy Baldwin.

I ran into him on the Boulevard Saint-Michel, and he practically elbowed me - to the Rue du Bac.

- Shouldn't have done that.

- You're not going on the road with her, are you?

- Well, just for a couple legs.

Just to get her settled.

She's bad with keys.

But you'll be in New York with me more often than not, yes?

- Pretty much.

- More than you're with her?

- Yes, I think that - Yes?

- Look, you'll never know - You're prioritizing me over all else, yes?

And I'm phrasing these things as questions, but they are not.

Look, you'll always be my number one.

Good.

Good.

So, Strindberg.

- Is he local?

- (LAUGHS)

Very good.

Oh!

That's funnier than anything those losers gave me.

- (CHUCKLES)

Write that down.

- Oh, sure.

Geez.

- "Is he local?" Zing!

- (LAUGHS)

So, I can't type, but I actually hunt-and-pecked these up myself thank you with carbons so that everyone gets a copy.

- Take one to share and pass it down.

- What is it?

It's a schedule for Ethan and Esther.

Everyone wants a piece of them while I'm gone, so I'm doling them out as fairly as possible.

And thank you all for this.

I couldn't do this tour without your support.

- We got a very faint copy.

- MIDGE: Now, each time the kids are taken to a new recipient, please bring all their toys, books, clean clothes, et cetera, so they'll have everything they need.

- Except their mother.

- Let's keep things constructive here.

- I can hardly read our copy.

- MIDGE: Obviously, they spend the most time with their dad.

- As it should be.

- There are multiple weekends slotted with Moishe and Shirley.

"Weekends.

" That's the word.

I was wondering why we got multiple wieners.

And if Astrid's up to it, there'll be a few sleepovers with her and Tolstoy and the little bun in the oven.

(CHUCKLES)

You haven't touched my tummy yet, Shirley.

Jews don't do that.

- Is that new?

- MIDGE: And our friends Imogene and Archie are gonna have them over a couple of times to play with their kids.

Any questions while Midge is gone, ask me.

We're not on the list.

- Well, not yet.

- ABE: Not yet?

We're their grandparents.

- We made the list.

- Yeah, we made the list.

Wh-why are we not on the list?

I held off putting you on the list - until you land somewhere.

- ROSE: Oh.

I see.

You don't want them curled up with us - in our Bowery flophouse.

- Mama With our patched clothes and our smallpox blankets.

You don't have a place to live right now.

As soon as you do So your going off to be a comedian means I don't get to see my grandchildren.

- Mama, no.

- If we took that place on 65th, there'd be no issue.

Oh, fine, great, and with the wrecking balls, - we won't need our alarm clock.

- Why are you mad at me?

- It's your fault your daughter's a comedian.

- How so?

- Yeah, how so?

- ABE: It's that German edge she gave you.

The Lehman blood.

You gave her the oompah.

- Papa.

- Well, it was your penis she was talking about on stage.

Not mine.

- Whoops.

My mother just said that.

- Yep.

(CHUCKLES)

ABE: Because penis is a funny word.

I've learned this about comedians: - they say funny words for cheap laughs.

- Guys, please.

If you had a penis, she'd be talking about you, not me.

Wouldn't you talk about your mother's penis if she had one?

For hours and hours and hours.

I don't know why you won't come stay with us.

It's the answer to all your problems.

You live in a one-bedroom in Poughkeepsie.

And that beard is a fire hazard.

And your kitchen, Noah, is for sh*t.

NOAH: This is ridiculous.

- We have a pullout in the living room.

- ROSE: A pullout?

MOISHE: Question: what's the word next to pineapple?

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

- About that cr*ck.

- About the "oompah.

" - The first part.

Where would you Why would she write "pineapple"?

- I can't really - What would that reference?

- Pineapple?

Yeah, switch with me.

- ABE: They're aggressive.

ASTRID: Abe, take our bed.

- We'll sleep on the pullout.

- It does not say "pineapple.

" I want a cookie.

Well, first we have to say goodbye to the apartment.

- Why?

- 'Cause it's going away.

You won't see it anymore, and Mommy grew up here, so let's say "Goodbye, hallway.

" - "Goodbye, bedroom.

" - Esther ran away.

I'm holding her, kid.

I want a cookie.

Goodbye, hallway.

I'll take Manhattan Goodbye, bedroom.

ZELDA: Just one cookie, young man.

The Bronx and Staten Island, too Goodbye, fire escape.

It's lovely going through Goodbye, windows.

Goodbye, bed.

The zoo Goodbye, girls.

I'm tired of arguing.

- I'm tired of arguing, too.

- I've begged for an extension from the university, but they won't budge.

What about Leo Siegal?

He's teaching in Europe this year, so his apartment's empty.

- He put his brother in it.

- Oh.

Then I guess a hotel.

We'd eat through our savings.

We'll keep our clothes to a minimum.

Bring only the essentials.

Take that tiny place on 65th, wear earplugs.

I called them a half hour ago.

- It's already gone.

- (MOANS)

And I don't want you without your clothes.

And I don't want you without your books.

And if Zelda doesn't have a decent kitchen, she'll cook us poison mushrooms on our faulty hot plate.

We're out of time.

We're out of options.

What do we do?

Something will reveal itself.

So many rooms.

You just can't bring your furniture.

You've done it again.

The perfect brisket.

I hope Mrs.

Fulber enjoyed the more than half - she kept for herself.

- Hey, come on.

- It was 49% at most.

- Like I wouldn't notice?

Let the old woman have something for the whiskey to wash down.

She could've asked.

That's all I'm saying.

(CHUCKLES)

I should gather the kids.

Get them home before they're dead asleep.

Too late.

When I kissed them good night, I woke them both up.

Were they cranky?

They swore like sailors.

They get that from you.

(CHUCKLES)

You're leaving tomorrow.

You ready?

I've packed, unpacked and repacked, so yes.

We'll turn Manhattan - Joel, I don't need money - Come on.

Got to keep you in beer and cigarettes.

An isle of joy Wait.

I'll take Manhattan I'm really nervous.

You're gonna be great.

Fly me to the moon And let me play among the stars Let me see what spring is like On Jupiter and Mars Jesus Christ, how many more people are they gonna shove - in this tin can?

- I think Shy bought out the whole plane.

Ooh, hi, could I get a gin and Guess not.

I mean, isn't there, like, a maximum capacity or something?

Oh, great.

Look who's here.

Wow, a little louder, please.

Hi, Slim.

Ha, and his name's Slim.

Hysterical.

He's a great guy.

No, he's three or four great guys.

You have got to calm down.

What are you doing?

What are these?

- Postcards.

- We're still in New York.

I promised the kids.

I promised Imogene.

It's f*cking Idlewild Airport.

They could subway here.

You're bending it.

You made the plane.

That's a good start.

Hey, Slim's not bringing snacks, is he?

- What?

- So, Reggie, will our room have two double beds or two twin beds?

That's a good question.

Let me check that for you.

What kind of beds are in Susie Myerson and Midge Maisel's room?

It's right here.

The answer is that's below my pay grade.

Got it.

You eat a bad oyster or something?

I'm fine.

This isn't your first plane ride, is it?

(SCOFFS)

First plane ride.

Get this guy.

Plane's a rental.

SHY: Whoops, fun's over.

Reggie's back!

- REGGIE: Oh, now, come on.

- (LAUGHTER) CAPTAIN (ON P. A. ): Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.

This is Captain Ron Schur, your pilot for this flight, along with my copilot Darryl and navigator Chris.

Rats, I didn't space this out right.

Now I'll have to curl the writing around the edges.

- Sloppy - Miriam.

The captain's speaking.

Did he say something about crashing or catching fire?

We'll be flying at an altitude of approximately 30,000 feet.

Yeah, good luck with that.

And after a stop for fuel in Kansas City, we should have an on-time arrival at our final destination, the great city of Lost Wages.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Good, a funny pilot.

Love the focus here.

Uh, excuse me, could I get Guess not.

Time to take your seats.

We are about to take off.

- Buckle up, please, everyone.

- Oh, hey, great.

Success.

Could I get a gin and tonic?

I'm sorry, we're taxiing.

You needed to order sooner.

Guess I should've tried to order sooner, then.

That's on me.

Jesus Christ.

I'm halfway through this thing, there hasn't been one laugh.

Maybe it gets funny later?

Why are you reading the plays of August Strindberg?

Oh, just for fun.

- Susie.

- Sorry.

Putting it away.

Gin and tonic.

I like you way more than that other lady.

- Gin?

- Bromo-Seltzer.

I don't need it.

- You need it.

- Take it back.

Drink it.

I'll have you and your sour stomach removed.

Over Omaha.

Happy flying.

SHY: Here he comes.

Everybody look busy.

- (LAUGHTER)

- REGGIE: Hey, knock it off, man.

Very bad idea.

How do these things weigh a thousand tons and stay in the air?

It's against the laws of God and nature and just heaviness.

I don't have an answer.

My father would, or my brother.

- Can we go talk to them now?

- Nope.

We're going to Vegas.

(RATTLING)

- Lift your legs.

- What?

Lift your legs.

It lightens the load.

- Susie, lifting your legs is - Lift your g*dd*mn legs!

- Lifting.

- (LOW RUMBLE)

- Is it supposed to be this loud?

- Hang on.

Holy f*ck.

Susie.

Susie, you can't hold your breath the whole flight.

Yes, I can.

This is the first of a million flights and a million tours.

Open 'em.

Come on.

Open your eyes.

(EXHALES)

We're still here.

Look out the window.

Oh, my God.

Amazing, huh?

We're on top of the world.

Fly me to the moon And let me play among the stars Let me see what spring is like HENRY: Pulling up to the hotel, boss.

So what's the deal on the ground?

Reggie said it's a level nine.

Level nine.

Well, here we go.

- You ready?

- Ready for what?

- No fun in warning you.

- (CROWD CLAMORING)

HENRY: Hang on to your hat.

(FANS SHRIEKING, CLAMORING)

Jesus, what the f*ck is wrong with you people?

Luck be a lady tonight Luck be a lady tonight Luck, if you've ever been a lady To begin with Luck be a lady tonight SHY: All right.

(LAUGHING)

- There it is.

- Sin City.

Ooh.

A little warning would've been nice.

Shy Baldwin.

Welcome back to the Phoenician.

Hello, Angie.

Good to be back.

And who are these lovely young ladies?

Let's take a quick picture.

Come on.

- That the big guy?

- That's the big guy.

Angie Calibresi the head of food and beverage.

Ah, I see.

The head of food and beverage is the big guy?

The guy who orders the pickles and orange juice?

Oh, you're cute.

You're a cute one.

Why am I cute?

I mean, I know why I'm cute, but why am I cute in the way you mean I'm cute?

It's not food and beverage.

It's food and beverage.

You just said the same thing twice.

No, he's saying that Angie, he's the head of food and beverage.

- Same words again.

- Food and beverage.

I'm feeling a little blonde right now.

The guy's a mobster!

Of my heart.

Ladies, I can take you to your room.

Good timing.

Tonight.

Right this way.

- Wow.

- This is a really nice hotel.

There's a hallway.

I've never stayed in a hotel with a hallway.

- Holy - sh*t.

MIDGE: What is this?

- Your weird ask.

- My weird what?

It's the thing I asked for in your contract.

He kept hounding me, and when he asked what it is, I blanked and said the room should be filled with teddy bears.

- Yellow ones.

- I said it was your favorite color.

- My favorite color's pink.

- I panicked.

I'll be back with the rest of your bags.

Thank you.

You see my spanking new Samsonite I bought for the trip?

I did.

Snazzy.

Mm-hmm.

I am traveling in style.

Okay, I'm gonna have to teach you how to pack.

Hey, let's go downstairs.

That casino's calling out to me.

Volare SUSIE: That should've been something.

That should've been something.

Cherry, orange, cherry.

That should've been something.

Lemon, lemon, orange.

That should've been something.

(GRUNTS)

Cherry, jackpot, kumquat.

- That should've been something.

- I think that's a blueberry.

- That's a Ret*rded blueberry.

- Bell, blueberry, bell.

- That should've been something.

- (MACHINE RINGING)

- Aah!

I won!

- You won!

- I'm rich!

- Look at all those pennies pouring out.

- Just think if they were nickels.

- That would be so amazing.

- And the drinks are free.

- It's still paying out.

I love Vegas!

What's a "don't pass" bar?

What's a field?

What are odds?

Are odds good?

What's craps/eleven?

What's yo-eleven?

What's a come line?

What's a don't come line?

Blow on 'em, sweetie.

- Really?

- Why?

Why does she blow on them?

For luck.

DEALER: No more bets.

- DEALER: Six the hard way.

- (CHEERING)

- Good job, honey.

- He gave me money.

Why?

Why does she get money?

'Cause he got a six?

What's a hard way?

Is there a soft way?

What's that bet?

What's that bet?

W-Why does 12 pay double?

Why does two pay double?

What's C. E. ?

Yes!

Ooh, I get a blackjack.

BLACKJACK DEALER: That's great, darling.

- Split.

- Why'd you split that?

- What's a split?

- Should I blow on your cards?

- I'm gonna double.

- You're doubling?

- Do you blow on cards?

- Why are you doubling?

- Stand.

- You're standing on that?

- Is blowing just for craps?

- Why'd you stand on that?

- Dealer has 20.

- Yes!

- No.

- What happened?

Volare That should've been something.

That should've been something.

That should've been something.

Hey, Susie?

- That should've been something.

- That should've been something.

- Susie.

- That should've been something.

That should've been something.

- (MACHINE RINGS)

- Ah!

- You won?

- Eh, just a finger f*ck.

- What time is it?

- I don't know, 7:30, 8:00?

Holy sh*t, it's after midnight.

- We've been here six straight hours?

- Guess so.

I just realized I've really got to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, what have you guys been up to?

Uh, Midge blew a guy's hard six.

- What?

- No, I blew on a guy and he got a hard six and he gave me money.

That didn't sound good, either.

- Bathroom.

- Later, Henry.

Just like birds of a feath Come on, come on, come on.

- Come on, Carole.

- Go to your room, Howard.

HOWARD: But your room's right here.

One drink.

- Worst offer I've had today, Howard.

- (SIGHS)

SUSIE: Oh, sweet relief!

Sweet, sweet relief.

(SNORING)

Oh, my god.

Susie.

- Get up, get up.

- What?

- Get your coat.

Come on.

Hurry!

- Why?

What's happening?

Put your coat on.

Hurry!

I'm getting it.

Geez!

And every time it rains, it rains - Pennies from heaven - Shoobie, doobie Don't you know - Hey, our machines are free.

- Forget the machines.

Coming through, coming through.

Follow me, follow me.

Fortune's falling all over town - Susie!

- You're on the marquee!

- For the whole world to see.

- It's the big time, baby.

Take a picture.

(SQUEALING, LAUGHING)

Every time it rains, it rains Don't you know each cloud contains You'll find your fortune falling All over town, all over town, all over town Be sure that your umbrella From here, we go to L. A. , San Francisco, then Chicago, Miami.

- Reg, what about sleep?

- (LAUGHTER)

- Over here, Shy.

- Yes, sir.

How you liking the weather we got here, Shy?

New York was 40 degrees when we left, so I'm loving it.

Thank you for that thoughtful and Pulitzer-worthy question, sir.

Really impressive.

Let's see if anyone can top that.

Yes, the State Journal.

Lots of pretty girls here, huh, Shy?

(SIGHS)

You did it, my man.

You did it.

I can say I've been all over the world, and there are pretty girls everywhere, but none as pretty as here.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Okay, San Diego Union.

Midge Maisel, right?

I'm Angie.

I didn't get a chance to meet you.

Yes, Angie, of course, head of food and bev Uh, nice to meet you, Angie.

Uh, this is my manager, Susie Myerson.

- Hello.

- Great to meet you.

Shy is wild about your girl here.

Shy's got taste.

Oh, I'm so sorry, honey, here I am ignoring you.

Ladies, this is my beautiful wife, Roberta.

I got taste too, huh?

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.

- I'll be at the show tonight.

You knock 'em dead.

Will do.

- Nice guy.

- REGGIE: Okay, Reno Evening Gazette, show me your inner Eric Sevareid, my brother, what do you got?

You going steady with anybody, Shy?

- Can I talk to you off to the side, Mr. Gazette?

- Easy, Reg, I'll answer.

You know, I've talked about it before.

Had a love of my life and she got away.

Recorded an entire album about this woman.

Then I got a Grammy.

Not saying it was an even trade off, but close.

(LAUGHTER)

REPORTER: Who's your biggest influence, Shy?

SHY: Oh, man, that's tough to say.

- sh*t.

- SHY: Is "everyone" a good answer?

Are you kidding me?

For me, Mr. Nat King Cole was my .

- SUSIE: f*ck!

- (CROWD GASPS)

Stepped on a nail.

Ow.

SHY: Uh, Nat took me under his wing, and now I'm looking to reach out and do the same for the next generation.

- Susie Myerson and Associates.

- Reggie, look, I didn't mean to - I'm talking.

- Sorry.

How is it you stand here and shout the ultimate profanity in the middle of my boy's presser?

Well, I don't know if that's the ultimate profanity.

I mean, I can think of, like, three or four others I'm not here to f*cking discuss what the f*cking worst f*cking dirty word is.

I'm here to tell you to be professional.

You're part of Shy's entourage.

You're part of my team.

- Don't you want to know what I was mad about?

- Not even a little bit.

Reggie, I'm sorry, but this picture i-it's not the kind of picture I want out there.

You didn't give us any other, so we used what we had.

Yes, because you wouldn't pony up the money for those pictures.

Hey.

This is not my problem.

Bring us another picture, or stick with the panty pose.

Sorry.

Everybody's full of sh*t today.

Not you.

You.

Them!

- Panty pose.

- I'll fix this.

All right, guys, let's try it again.

A two, three, four.

(BAND STARTS PLAYING)

Wait, now, hold it, hold it, hold it.

- (BAND STOPS PLAYING)

- Forget the tune, we can't even get past the second bar.

Someone's throwing an F-sharp in that does not belong.

SHY: So this tune's not gonna be ready.

Is that what's happening?

Somebody speak.

You know, just take five, everyone.

And five, not ten.

(SIGHS)

What, they've never heard of ice?

- You.

- Hello.

- You're lucky.

- Why am I lucky?

Sound check for you is, "Mic check, one, two," and you're done.

Oh, it's much more complex than that.

Sometimes I slip and say, "Check mic, four, six," and it all goes to hell.

(LAUGHS)

Don't do this.

- Don't do what?

- Try and cheer me up.

- Is that what I'm doing?

- SHY: Takes a while to get back into road-mode.

You miss your bed.

You miss the quiet.

Listen to me, I'm already losing my voice.

Your voice sounds fine.

When you're a grizzled veteran like me, you'll understand.

You're all of 33.

Only on the outside.

Hey, Lester, let's talk about what we're doing for the encore, and why you're wearing that terrible shirt to rehearsal.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(PIECE ENDS)

- Now you say you're ready - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Bet your bottom dollar I'm so happy I could holler Ring-a-ling Ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling Ring-a-ling (SPEAKING CHINESE)

(REGISTER OPENS)

I just patiently waited Each time you were infatuated - What are you doing here?

- I'm here to eat.

- Here?

- It's near the club.

- Hm.

- What?

You have any idea what you ordered?

Nope.

I just pointed at things.

Okay.

Do you like feet?

Depends on how they're prepared.

Do you like a lot of feet?

- Did I just order a bunch of plates of feet?

- You sure you don't want to go to a Chinese restaurant that has hamburgers and apple pie?

This place isn't that.

This is my local place.

I'm staying.

What's that?

Do you like digestive systems and feet?

- Oh, boy.

- Can I take a swing at this for you?

That might be for the best, yes.

Hey.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

This place has very good food, but weirdly is terrible with feet.

Oh.

Sorry.

(CHUCKLES)

No, please, sit.

I ordered too much for one anyway.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Who are you?

Mei Lin.

- That's your real name?

- Yes.

- It's pretty.

- (SCOFFS)

- You're blushing.

- No, I'm not.

- You're human.

- Oh, scuttlebutt.

Can I have a sip?

You old enough?

Guess you're old enough.

And I didn't have nothing but time Oh, ring-a ling - Were you born here?

- Nope.

I was born in a different restaurant.

- Who do you work for?

- I'm in medical school.

- Really?

- Really.

- And I help out family.

- I never met a woman doctor.

Yeah, technically, you still haven't.

Who do you work for?

sl*ve driver, actually.

You're looking at him.

Bold.

What was that about, with the money?

Hey, food.

(SPEAKS CHINESE)

Ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling I'm on to you.

It's not polite.

Baby, oh, take this diamond ring.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

- Hey, do you have a mirror?

- Sorry.

Two minutes to curtain.

- Whoa.

- Is it noticeable?

That your hair has a boner?

Yeah.

- sh*t.

- Was this on purpose?

Reggie threw me in with Shy's hair girl, and when I came out, this was my head.

- Does Shy's hair girl hate you?

- Where were you?

If you were there, you could've kept them from turning me into my cousin Chava.

I tracked down the photographer that took photos when we arrived and I got this.

This is possibly worse.

But it's funnier and you can't see your skivvies.

I'm yawning, I'm clutching my purse like my cousin Chava's mother.

Right now, it's this or the panty pose.

- Don't call it that.

- One minute.

- sh*t.

- Take a deep breath.

Opening for Shy was theoretical before.

Now it's not.

These people are all here to see Shy.

- They don't care about me.

- 40 seconds.

What's with the gloves?

You got one on and one off.

I couldn't decide.

What do you think?

I think you should wear both or neither.

- 30 seconds.

- Is that necessary?

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Phoenician Showroom.

- 20 seconds.

- Really?

That's just egregious.

ANNOUNCER: Please give a warm Las Vegas welcome to rising comedy star Way to underplay it.

ANNOUNCER: Mrs.

Maisel.

- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

- Tits up.

- Tits I know.

Up.

- You're on.

- You guys supposed to be here?

- Wrong side, wrong side.

- Oh, sh*t.

- (APPLAUSE DIES DOWN, STOPS)

- Thank you, thank you.

- (SPORADIC APPLAUSE)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Well, well, well, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The city that was built, like, what, a week ago?

It's so new, its bris is tomorrow.

WOMAN: Can we get another bottle of wine?

I'm from New York, so, for me, a desert is Bergdorf's when they're low on Handmacher suits or Barney Greengrass when they're out of lox.

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

My hair is giving me vertigo.

This is not my normal "do.

" Would you rather hear Gunsmoke?

I may be able to get a radio signal.

MAN 1: This shrimp cocktail is to die for.

WOMAN 2: Well, then give me some.

Sounds like you're all enjoying the food.

MAN 1: It's the best shrimp cocktail I've ever had.

I've heard good things about the shrimp cocktail.

(CHATTER CONTINUING)

No wonder this city has flashing lights everywhere, it's the only way to get people's attention.

Maybe tomorrow instead of an updo, - I'll dress like a Christmas tree.

- (LAUGHTER)

CROWD: Happy birthday to you Sounds like we've got a birthday.

That's always fun, at least until you hit 25 or so.

- MAN 2: Sing something!

- MAN 3: Yeah, sing something.

Oh, you don't want me to sing.

Luckily, you got Shy Baldwin coming up soon, and he's gonna see to that for you.

- (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

- Hey, you're listening.

- Some of you, at least.

- WOMAN 3: Berta!

Berta!

Berta!

- So my home, New York, is a - WOMAN 3: Berta!

- is a very old city.

- Berta, we're over here!

- It told Philadelphia to - Over here.

Turn right.

Right!

- Uh, told Philadelphia to - WOMAN 3: No, turn right, then go straight!

- Told Philadelphia - Straight!

Berta, for Pete's sake, get over to your damn table before this poor woman has a stroke.

- (LAUGHTER)

- It's full of shrimp cocktail.

There you go, there's your incentive.

Yeah, hustle now.

Kiss, kiss and sit your tuchus down.

- MAN 4: Sit down, Berta.

- (LAUGHTER)

I'm from New York.

I know I already said that, but it's been so long ago, some of you might've forgotten.

(CHATTER CONTINUING)

Anywho And I was like, "Take the A train, it's faster.

" - (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- MAN 5: (MOCKING)

You must take the A train.

So you're not exactly a subway material crowd, and you didn't much like the jokes about food, children, or traveling, and you don't like me much.

- What are you, my ex-husband?

- (LAUGHTER)

Hey, there we go.

We're on a roll.

- Hey, light's blinking.

- What?

- You're done.

- Oh.

Guess my set's over.

Gee, you're like my kids, I finally get you quiet and then Grandpa shows up with a suitcase full of donuts.

(LAUGHTER)

So let me introduce you to the man who needs no introduction, ladies and gentlemen, the great Shy Baldwin.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So drink?

Oh, yes.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

They say that falling in love Is wonderful It's wonderful So they say And with the moon up above It's wonderful Wonderful It's wonderful So they tell me I can't recall who said it Why, why, why was everybody eating?

At the dinner show?

No idea.

I was a stammering idiot.

I already told them you need a mic that comes off the stand.

That'll help.

I hope Berta's happy with her seat.

Stupid, deaf, late-arriving, direction-challenged Berta.

- ANGIE: Midge.

Susie.

- Uh-oh.

Are we in trouble?

- We're gonna find out.

- ANGIE: Come on.

Get over here, superstar.

Have a seat.

- Come on.

- Thanks.

Uh, yeah.

Thanks, Angie.

That was a great laugh you got at the end there.

Stupendous.

The whole place erupted.

Yeah, I guess I finished strong.

Strong?

You were a knockout.

Just keep in mind, the crowd is from all over.

So they don't know what a Bergdorf's is.

(LAUGHS)

- (QUIETLY): Good point.

- Cece does, though.

Oh, I haven't introduced you.

This is my girlfriend Cece.

Really nice to meet you.

I love your hair.

- Thank you, Cece.

- ANGIE: Joey, these ladies had a rough night.

Bring food.

Um, shrimp cocktail, steak, baked potato, all the trimmings.

Go, go.

Chin up.

You're gonna be great.

Tony, I got to talk to you.

Excuse me.

You're stopping people Shouting that love is grand And MIDGE: I need to write more patter.

SUSIE: Eat something.

You'll feel better.

- Patter for all 50 states?

- Miriam.

Hey, Illinois.

Two L's and an "oy.

" Least there's an "oy" in Illinois.

Oh, God, I'm panicking, but depressed.

I'm panicking, but slowly.

A nice, prolonged panic.

- All right.

Let's go.

- What?

- Come on.

- Ow.

Susie, ow.

- Come on out.

- (GRUNTS)

So they say.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

You know, I hit a jackpot the other night.

Yeah.

- I met a mute woman that liked to cook.

- (LAUGHTER)

MIDGE: What are you doing?

I want to take a shower.

I want to put my feet up and my hair down.

I want some shrimp.

Room's the other way.

I know where the room is.

COMEDIAN: Yeah, the nice thing about playing Vegas is half of you had such a great day at the tables, you'll laugh at anything.

The other half had such a bad day, nothing I say could make it worse.

- That's a load of bullshit.

- Now, my favorite game is slots, because it reminds me a lot of having sex with a woman: you keep trying and nothing ever happens, huh?

I don't want to watch stand-up comedy.

I don't want to be reminded of my abject failure.

You're not watching it.

You're doing it.

What?

No.

No more bitching and moaning.

Get back up there and say something funny.

Like "I'm a comedian"?

That's fairly hilarious right now.

- COMEDIAN: Who here's married?

- MIDGE: Susie.

Huh?

Yeah.

My birthday coming up, my wife asked me what I wanted.

I told her a divorce.

Yeah, I visited my parents last week.

- It was the first time - Come on.

- we didn't get in a fight.

- No.

I don't want to perform.

- No.

- Also my first time going to the cemetery.

Eddie Major, ladies and gentlemen.

- Give him a nice hand.

- (SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

I guess that's it for me, everyone.

Uh, - see you tomorrow.

- Get back on that horse.

-The horse can go to hell.

- Go.

- sh**t the horse.

- Get up there.

- I want my teddy bears.

SOUND GUY: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mrs.

Maisel.

Hello.

Welcome to the night that will not end.

(WHOOPS SOFTLY)

So, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I failed.

Oh, did I just fail.

- (SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- Yes.

Applaud me.

I need it.

Even if it's mocking.

I have no pride left.

Earlier tonight, I was in the big room.

That room over there none of you can afford.

Hence, you're here.

- (CHUCKLING)

- It's a nice room.

The drinks have actual booze in them.

And I went onstage in that nice big room with the super boozy drinks and I just bombed.

Anyway, I'm getting back on the horse, because failure is our right as Americans.

- (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- People have fought and d*ed so I can do stupid things like leave the sugar out of a cake or forget to bring an extra diaper with me when I take the baby to the park.

More than once, she's come home with the New York Times sports section wrapped around her ass.

It's what they had in the trash.

Plus, the Red Sox won, so Failure is how we grow.

Actually, it's how men grow.

It's how women shrink.

Women are not allowed to fail.

And when we finally get an opportunity to do something that isn't normally done by our sex, we get one chance.

One.

How come men fail and people say, "You gave it the ol' college try," but women fail and they say, "You gave it the ol' college try, but you shouldn't be in college"?

(LAUGHTER)

(WHOOPING)

You know, you come to Vegas and you gamble.

And my question is, is life not enough of a risk for you people?

Have you never walked through a wet field in high heels at an outdoor wedding?

Or put on mascara in a moving car?

Or said to your mother, "What do you think?" You really need to look for more risk?

- Hey, it's my boss!

- (GASPING)

At least until an hour ago.

Are you still my boss?

I don't know.

You're saving all the good stuff for them.

Ladies and gentlemen, my favorite performer in the world at least until he fires me Shy Baldwin.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Oh, sure, we're having some laughs.

A prettier face comes along, and I'm chopped liver.

Fine.

I cede the stage.

Oh, now, come on.

I just sang for my supper.

A man can get tired.

A man can get tired laying bricks.

- Ooh.

(CHUCKLES)

- SHY: Oh, so you're mocking my stamina?

- Yes, I am.

- Okay, okay.

- I can sing.

- Let me know if you feel faint!

- I'm good.

- (CHEERING)

I am trained in rescue breathing.

Oh, I see.

It's a mutiny.

Uh, Tim, get your ass up here and play.

All right, what am I singing?

(PLAYING "IS YOU IS OR IS YOU AIN'T MY BABY")

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

That-that ain't my song.

That's Reggie's song.

You can borrow it!

Why, your voice don't work no more?

- I'm not who went flat tonight.

- Oh, I see.

You're in a fighting mood.

Get up here.

Mm, he's throwing down, Reg.

Come on.

Don't slow-walk me.

Get up here.

If I do, I can't be responsible - for what happens.

- Uh-huh.

People gonna find out who the real star is.

I got a gal Who's always late Any time we have a date But I love her Yes, I love her (HARMONIZING): Is you is or is you ain't my baby?

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

The way you're acting lately makes me doubt Makes me doubt Yous is still my baby, baby So, you back?

Oh, yeah.

I'm back.

Somebody new Or is my baby Still my baby true?

- Yeah.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Hey.

You seen my guys?

(LAUGHING, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

So, the come line is exactly like the pass line.

And you can have as many come bets out there as you want.

And you put odds behind all of 'em?

If you want a chance to b*at the house, yeah, - you back 'em all up with odds.

- Okay, hold on, hold on.

- I got to write this down.

- All right.

You carve it into slices halfway through and then it's back in the oven.

It's a controversial method, but I stand by it.

This brisket is magic.

You'll see.

It grants wishes.

In you go.

(GRUNTS)

Got goug¨res, my mother's favorite.

- Who wants some?

- I do.

- I'll take one.

- Me, too.

Now, don't wolf the appetizers, boys.

Taste them first.

Ooh.

Believe me, Manischewitz is best enjoyed in small quantities.

Anyone else?

- Hey.

- Hi.

Thanks for the party.

One more room service club sandwich and I'd b*at someone to death with my bass.

We haven't officially met.

I'm Midge.

I'm the comic.

I know.

You're a couple rooms down from me.

I saw you the other night.

I didn't think you'd remember.

I wasn't drunk.

Howard was drunk.

And slow.

He's handsy but harmless.

You're hysterical.

Thanks.

You're - bass-y.

- Thanks.

Not really up on my musician lingo.

Just keep cooking homemade meals for these animals, and they'll be happy to teach it to you.

For that and other reasons.

Yeah.

Boys will be Pigs.

- You married?

- Nope.

Got kids, though.

Me, too.

Two.

Three.

All under ten.

Got a little homesick yesterday.

Hence, brisket.

It's not easy, being on the road.

But what else are we gonna do stay home?

Dust?

f*ck dust.

Hello, Carole.

Hello, Howard.

Let's have a drink one day.

I'll explain the rules of the road to you.

I would love that.

Hey!

What the hell is going on here?

Guess you guys decided you're rehearsed enough.

- Is that it?

- I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

I made a brisket.

- A what?

- My famous Passover brisket.

It's the reason the angel of death spared us.

So, Midge makes a brisket and no one invites me?

(LAUGHTER)

Hell, you guys have rehearsed enough.

- Gimme a drink.

- MAN: Gotcha, boss.

I had a hunch you had something to do with this.

Goug¨re?

If you make me fat, I'll fire you.

STU: They payoff big, so if the table is hot and you're in the black, back up your place bets - by throwing - SUSIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on.

Oh!

So, your girl gonna get good?

She's already good.

Your girl gonna get good?

Yeah.

She's gonna get good.

'Cause if she can't tell jokes, she can always be the tour chef.

Mmm.

This goug¨re is righteous.

She's gonna get f*cking good.

Hey.

REGGIE: Open the door, Richard MAN: Aw, here come Reggie.

Open the door and let me in Open the door, Richard Richard, why don't you open that door (WHOOP)

- Open the door, Richard - All right!

Open the door and let me in - (MAN WHOOPS)

- Open the door, Richard Richard, why don't you open that door - Open the door, Richard - (WHOOPING)

Open the door and let me in - (DOORBELL RINGS)

- REGGIE: Help me, Richard!

ALL: Open the door, Richard Richard, why don't you open that door.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

("RUNNIN' AWAY" BY SLY AND THE FAMILY STONE PLAYING)

Runnin' away To get away Ha-ha-ha-ha You're wearing out your shoes Look at you fooling you Making blues Of night and day Hee-hee-hee-hee You're stretching out your dues Look at you fooling you Shorter cut is quicker but Ha-ha-ha-ha Time is here to stay Look at you fooling you The deeper in debt The harder you bet Hee-hee-hee-hee You need more room to play Look at you fooling you.