03x04 - Hands!

[bunniefuu]

- (LAUGHTER)

- MIDGE: Think about it.

Think about it.

Las Vegas is the true American melting pot, proving that losing money is the universal language.

(LAUGHTER)

Now I'm Jewish, I'm from New York, and perhaps exotic to some of you, so I thought it would be helpful for me to present for you a primer to the Jewish people.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

First of all, we are always ready to talk about food.

Seeing you all eating dinner, I just want to ask what you're eating, if it's good, and tell you what you should have ordered.

Complaining.

This is big with us.

What repressing your emotions is to WASPs, complaining is to Jews.

It's second nature.

But the key is, the complaints should never be about big important things, only little things like, "It's hot out; this restaurant is so far; the line is so long.

" You know, things nobody can do anything about.

Remember, you're not trying to fix anything.

You're just trying to be heard.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Guilt is big with us, and we use it wisely.

And it's not for making yourself feel bad about something you did.

It's for making someone else feel bad about something they didn't do.

(LAUGHTER)

Jewish parents.

- MAN: Yes.

- (CLAPPING)

Mm-hmm.

Yell at your sons for not eating enough, yell at your daughters for eating too much.

- (LAUGHTER)

- And there's the saying often attributed to our great prophet Abraham: "Anything you can do isn't all that interesting to me.

" - (LAUGHTER)

- That's it for me, ladies and gentlemen.

You've been a great audience.

Thanks for listening.

I'm Mrs.

Maisel.

- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING)

- Oh.

Thank you.

May I please introduce the voice, the legend, my dashing friend: Shy Baldwin.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING)

- Good?

- Good.

- SHY: They say that - Come on.

Falling in love Is wonderful It's wonderful - (PHONE RINGING THROUGH)

- JOEL: Hello.

Hi.

It's me.

You guys getting all my postcards?

I tack 'em on the wall as soon as they come.

You got the one of the Pioneer Club with the cowboy out front?

I knew Ethan would like it.

It's his favorite.

He read that one to me.

He read it?

Out loud?

For the most part.

"Kvell" tripped him up.

Then he's not my son.

He did good.

You'd have been proud.

Okay, but tell him he can't grow up too much while I'm gone.

- He's got a mustache now.

- Make sure he trims it.

- And Esther's dating.

- Oh, good.

Nice boy?

Kid she met in the park.

A goy.

Is she trying to k*ll her mother?

They make sandcastles, trade diaper tips.

You'll like him.

Is it too late to put Ethan on?

It's 1:00 in the morning.

- I know.

- Get your jacket.

- What?

- Meet us out front.

- Bring Susie if you want.

- What was that?

It was Shy.

Sounds like we're all going somewhere.

You are so big-time.

Give them both a kiss for me?

Will do.

Get some rest.

Not easy in this town.

Place your bets craps, yo-eleven, hard ways.

So a buck each on the hard ways.

And odds on my pass line bet.

Just set your chips down.

- Got it.

- Dice are out.

- Hands!

- Jesus Christ!

You scared the livin' crap out of me!

- Well, keep your hands up!

- He told me to put my chips down!

- I've got the dice!

- My hands are up!

- I'm gonna roll!

- Then roll, you stupid old expositional fake cowboy guy.

Geez.

Hey, the band's going somewhere.

Come on.

- I'm in the middle of something here.

- They're waiting.

Miriam, I've got a bunch of money on the table.

We're in the middle of a great roll.

- I can't just - Seven out, line away.

- Seven out.

- Aah!

MAN: Damn it!

Come on.

Okay, so I'm not saying you caused that to happen, but we were doing great, then you got here, and he rolled a seven, so you kind of did.

- You won something.

- I didn't win, I lost.

But, Susie, you're walking away with chips.

No, when you come with chips, and you leave with less chips, - you lost, you didn't win.

- So seven's bad?

Yeah, seven's bad.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

- (SHOUTING): Ready, drivers?!

- (WHOOPING)

Go!

(ENGINES REVVING, TIRES SQUEALING)

- Look at 'em go!

- Like a rocket!

- (ENGINES REVVING)

- (CHEERING)

Yo, Shy.

Incoming.

Thanks, Billy.

You driving tonight, boss?

- As if Reggie would let me.

- (LAUGHS)

Reggie's tending to his mother.

He ain't here.

Oh, but he's always here.

Hey, Henry, do your Reggie for us.

Tell us what he'd say if he was out here tonight.

Okay, now listen up.

I am in charge of these vehicles.

They are not to be scratched, dented or nicked in any way.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Same goes for Shy.

He's not to be scratched, dented or nicked.

He won't want you flooding my carburetor, either.

The rest of you who cares?

I can always get me another horn player, but I only got one Shy.

(LAUGHTER)

Please don't tell him I did that.

(ENGINES REVVING)

Track's clear.

(SHOUTING): Ready, drivers?

- Five bucks on green.

- Five on yellow.

- Go!

- (ENGINES REV, TIRES SQUEAL)

Come on, green!

Go all Ben-Hur on his ass!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

- Buy you a beer?

- Please.

Monica's not into drag racing, huh?

Mm, she's a little tired tonight.

Of gazing at you adoringly?

She's never tired of that before.

Mm.

She's a sweet kid.

- And what's your deal?

- My deal?

Who you got that would glare at me if they saw us talking?

I mean, besides your r*cist uncle.

So besides Uncle Yakov?

No one at the moment.

Okay.

I'm gonna file that away.

Pay up, pal.

Pay up.

My last five.

So when are you getting in one of these?

- Who, me?

- Yeah, take a sh*t.

I did before.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime.

Especially if it kills you.

You'll never get this chance again.

Isn't it dangerous?

You're not Shy, you're not a musician, you're not a vehicle.

You're expendable.

Not really an answer to my question.

Bet you the five you can't win.

You gonna try to talk me out of it?

- Hell, no.

- Then what the hell.

I'm in.

(SHOUTING): Crunch!

Line 'em up!

Keep your arms loose, but your hands tight on the wheel.

Loose arms, tight wheel.

And don't floor it all at once, or it'll flood.

Even pressure to the pedal till it hits the floor.

Got it.

You're okay?

Was it tight arms or loose arms?

- You want some dirt?

- Why would I want that?

Buzz asked Natalie Wood for some dirt, and she gave it to him, and he rubbed his hands with it, then she bent down and gave him a sexy, three-part kiss, and then she checked on James Dean, and he asked her for some dirt, but it kind of felt like he was just asking 'cause Buzz got some, and he saw that sexy three-part kiss.

Miriam!

I do not need the whole f*cking plot - to Rebel Without a Cause.

- Okay.

- I've seen the film.

- MAN: We gonna do this?

MIDGE: All right, guys.

Susie's rarin' to go!

Hey, if Luther's around, could you ask him what part of me should be loose?

(ENGINES REVVING)

Hit your lights!

The lights are already on!

Geez!

(ENGINES REVVING)

Go!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(ENGINES REVVING)

- (COUGHING)

- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

How did Natalie Wood do it?

(COUGHING)

(BIRDS SINGING)

MOISHE: Abe!

- Moishe?

What is it?

- (GASPS)

Oh, my God.

It's your car.

It's blocking mine.

- My car?

- Get up.

You got to move it.

- What time is it?

- It's four after 5:00.

Four after 5:00?

In the morning?

And I'm late.

Come on.

Get a move on.

- Oh, my leg is asleep.

- You both wear pajamas?

- What, are you girlfriends?

- Where are my slippers?

Oh.

Shirl and me, we sleep in the buff.

It's healthier, freer.

Warmer, too.

Where'd I put my robe?

- Skin on skin, as God intended.

- Oh.

- Come on, chop-chop.

- I am.

- MAN: Oh, what a beautiful morning - Can you pick up the pace?

- I'm going as fast as I can.

- I better call in.

- Oh, what a beautiful morning - They worry when I'm late.

Shirl, call work!

Tell 'em someone made me late!

- SHIRLEY: You got it, toots!

- All those people worried sick.

- They depend on me.

- I have a beautiful feeling You told me I could park in the driveway.

- But not block my car.

- Everything's going my way Do you remember me saying you could block my car?

I do not remember saying you could block my car.

I don't dare block it again, Moishe.

I'm really hoping you're not leaking oil, Abe.

- The stains are hell to get out.

- (ENGINE STARTS)

I don't think I'm leaking oil, Moishe.

Abe!

Abe!

Whoa!

- (TIRES SQUEAK)

- Almost hit the milkman.

- Sorry.

- Man survived Normandy Beach only to get backed over by Abe Weissman.

- I didn't see him.

- Not a great way to ingratiate yourself to the neighborhood, Abe.

k*lling the milkman.

MAN: Strange flying objects in the sky are older - than the United States.

- (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Some of them reported in scientific journals Shirley?

(OVERLAPPING TV AND RADIO CHATTER)

- Shirley!

- Yes, Rose!

- Can I turn the TV off?

- No.

Keep it on.

But you're listening to the radio!

This is the news so I can stay informed!

And I never miss The Today Show.

They have a monkey J.

Fred Muggs.

He's such a funny monkey.

ROSE: Are those onions?

Onions and chicken skin for my schmaltz.

Do you have to do that now?

I can't make a schmaltz in my own kitchen?

Is that what you're saying?

It's just a little early for such a strong smell.

Why is the TV on when the radio is on?!

Because of the monkey!

- The what?!

- J. Fred Muggs!

- Who!?

- He's a monkey!

Have some bread, Abe!

Zelda b*rned the first batch, so I made some for you.

I didn't burn the toast.

I just asked where the toaster was.

I'm going to eat my toast upstairs!

- (UPBEAT TV THEME PLAYS)

- J.

Fred Muggs is on!

I'm coming with you, Abe!

SHIRLEY: He's wearing shoes!

Dance, monkey!

Dance!

- (SHIRLEY LAUGHS)

- Sh should I watch the onions!?

- Mrs. Maisel?

- (SHIRLEY LAUGHS)

(SHIRLEY LAUGHS LOUDLY)

MAN (ON TV): Dr.

Barbara Moore completes an emphatic demonstration - about the equality of the sexes - (KNOCKING)

Can I be in here with you?

nuts, honey, milk and natural juices.

The 56-year-old cheered on by all of Britain completes This has been the longest month of my life.

We've been here a week.

It's a lovely day today So whatever you've got to do A girl could get used to this.

This is really how it works?

Just sits on your face, like a French whore?

- Yup.

- Oh.

I look like the Bride of Frankenstein.

Let me even it out it a bit.

This reminds me of those lazy Bryn Mawr Sundays when Petra, Janie, Marcie and I would shake up some cocktails and dish on boys and treat ourselves to a beauty regimen.

Mm.

Sounds fun.

Where's the g*ng now?

Uh, Janie's a housewife in Pittsburgh, Marcie teaches high school English, and Petra raises chickens in the Hudson Valley.

- You thought I was serious?

- You're all set.

Now sit, relax and let it work its magic.

(SUSIE SIGHS)

But if you've got something that must be done Mine's done.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I think I'm cured now, or beautiful or whatever.

- Do not take that mask off.

- I'm suffocating!

You have to leave it on for half an hour.

Not in a million years!

Fine.

Let the desert sun turn you into an old hag.

I'm a manager.

Nobody cares what the f*ck I look like.

(KNOCKING)

Susie, envelope.

The guys said to look out for the envelope.

Open it.

Open it!

Don't rush me.

Don't rush me.

I'll get a paper cut.

(SUSIE SIGHS)

Oh, Sweet Jesus, there it is.

Two weeks' pay.

They took taxes out of it.

It's got the casino logo on it.

Neat.

Guess I'm gonna have to start paying taxes.

- We should frame this.

- Then we can't cash it.

Think about it.

When I'm making ten grand a show, this check won't mean anything, and it'll be a terrific souvenir.

When you're making ten grand a show, I'm gonna be so whacked out on vodka and opium, nothing's gonna mean anything.

And I'll be there to pull you out of the gutter.

So, how do we do this?

Put it in your account?

No.

No.

You take care of the money.

I get money, I spend money.

Then I will do the money.

Hmm.

It's a little short.

- Really?

- Not by much.

It's close, but it's definitely short.

- Who do we talk to?

- You don't talk to anybody.

I will talk to Angie before I go.

Go?

Go where?

New York.

Just for a day or two.

It won't be long.

Sophie stuff?

I said I wouldn't say.

And I said I wouldn't mind, and I don't.

You're kicking ass every night.

And I'll be back before you know it.

Let me hold it while you get ready.

Except it's a lovely day Don't get face junk on it.

It's a lovely day.

(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)

Hi.

Is this Angie's office?

- Yep.

- He in?

I represent the showroom comic, and we have a little problem with our check.

He's in.

Would, uh, he have time to see me?

Well, he's in with somebody.

He can see you after.

Thanks.

Oh, this arthritis is really slowing me down.

SUSIE: You're better than me.

Hey, Bobby Darin.

Angie knows Bobby Darin?

Mr.

Calibresi knows everybody.

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN OTHER ROOM)

MAN: Okay, but let me just explain.

ANGIE: After everything we've done for you?

For your clients?

- The Stardust of all places?

- (MAN GRUNTS)

Where's your gratitude, Gordy?

- You owe me a little gratitude, I think.

- (BLOW LANDS)

GORDY: Yes, I d (GRUNTS)

Yes, I do.

ANGIE: Vic Damone is mine.

- Yes?

- Yes, Angie, yes.

- (MAN GROANS)

- ANGIE: That's a good answer.

You look like sh*t.

Clean yourself up and get the hell out of here.

(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)

(TYPEWRITER CARRIAGE RETURNS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Susie!

- I didn't know you were here.

- I'm not.

I mean, I am, but I don't have to be.

- And you seem busy.

- ANGIE: What, for you?

Never.

Come on, get in here, you.

Come on.

Take a load off.

Have a seat.

- Here?

- Sure.

Thank God.

So, your girl.

- What about her?

- She's been on fire.

I haven't missed a show.

Last night, I came to see her.

(CHUCKLES): Left before Shy.

Don't tell Shy.

Snitch?

No, I wouldn't do that.

You can trust me.

The way she makes changes to that act - from night to night - She'll stop doing that.

No, it's so skillful.

I love it.

Then she'll keep doing it.

I'll make her do it if she won't.

So, what can I do for you?

Nothing.

Everything's good.

SECRETARY: There's a problem with her check!

No, there's not.

No, there's not!

She told me there's a problem!

There's no problem!

I think the arthritis is affecting her memory.

Is that the check?

Let me see it.

Is it short?

No.

In fact, it might be over.

I-I might owe you money.

Let me see that.

We've had some bookkeeping problems lately, checks coming up short.

I think this is short.

- Margaret!

- Yeah?!

Tell one of the guys to bring the head of payroll here!

- No, it's okay!

- Bring him here!

I want to show him!

Oh, you meant bring all of him, not just his I mean, I misunderstood.

You know what?

This is an easy fix.

You can stay until he gets here.

I've got a plane to catch.

But you go ahead and keep that and do whatever you want with it, and I will see you later, Angie.

Okay.

No problem.

Hey!

She's on fire, your girl.

Yuppers.

I'll keep stoking those flames.

(CHUCKLES): Okay.

Thank you so much, Ange.

No problem.

Anytime.

Who taught you how to work with plaster?

ARCHIE: My Aunt Mabel.

Never married, grip like a vice.

These are her coveralls.

You both shared that trim figure.

I should have all this done by tomorrow night.

Then we can start sanding and smoothing.

No.

Arch, take a night off every once in a while.

Imogene must be having a fit.

Hey.

Who's the king of the castle?

Who's the top dog in the pack?

Who's the capo di tutti capi?

- Imogene.

- Yeah.

But you're a close second.

Damn.

ARCHIE: Fuse again?

JOEL: Be right back.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHATTER STOPS)

Hey, guys.

Just me.

(CHATTER RESUMES)

Now, remember, every time you guys plug in that electric percolator, I'm sanding in the dark.

Thanks, Jiao-long.

We'll figure this out eventually.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Says she knows you?

You guys should officially meet.

Arch, this is Mei.

Mei's the building's, uh person girl.

ARCHIE: I see.

I'm Archie, Joel's friend boy.

Nice to officially meet you.

I brought you something.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

- What's this?

- MEI: Patience.

- It's a surprise.

- JOEL: You usually don't wait for a surprise.

- That's why it's a surprise.

- (MEI SPEAKING CHINESE)

Oh, a jukebox.

A jukebox.

- It's fantastic.

- It's a beaut.

How much is it gonna set me back?

It's free.

My uncle had it in his bowling alley, and he sold the alley.

- Good deal.

- And it works?

- Just listen.

- (COIN JINGLES)

This is one of my favorites.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

(WOMAN SINGING CHINESE)

This isn't English.

- Archie's kind of an amateur linguist.

- (MEI LAUGHS)

They're all Chinese.

Well, surprisingly, my uncle's Chinese.

I kind of like it.

It grows on you.

See?

So, what's the song about?

Oh, it's the usual stuff.

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl buys Kn*fe with 12-inch blade, boy loses thumb, boy loses hand.

I like Rosemary Clooney's version better.

You're right.

It's growing on me.

Thanks for dropping by.

Thanks for the dip.

- And thank your uncle for me.

- Who?

Nice to meet you, Archie.

ARCHIE: Likewise.

- What?

- Nothing.

Just Nice person girl.

Yeah.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(JOEL SIGHS HEAVILY)

Be right back.

Jiao-long, you're k*lling me!

(BIRDS SINGING)

- Rose?

- (GASPS)

Shirley.

It's laundry day.

Up, up!

- Laundry day?

- It's 5:00 in the morning.

- Are these dirty?

- Those are clean.

- Where's the dirty?

- In the closet.

And I need your sheets.

Chop-chop.

- What sheets?

- These sheets?

I have to wash your sheets.

- I'm using the sheets!

- Come on.

It's laundry day.

Let's go.

- Chop-chop.

- No!

You don't sleep in the buff?

- (RADIO AND TV PLAYING)

- I get up at 4:30 every day.

Do you know how much you can accomplish getting up at 4:30 every day?

No one's bothering you at 4:30 in the morning.

It's dark.

It's quiet.

No one's calling you on the telephone.

- One more, Shirl.

- Here you go.

Believe me, if there's anything you want to get done that you don't want anyone else to know about, you get up at 4:30 in the morning to do it.

I knew this fella out of Jersey.

Cement business.

He always said if you want to k*ll someone, you do it at 4:30 in the morning.

But it's Saturday.

What's that, Abe?

It's a little noisy in here.

It's Saturday!

Saturday?

Saturday is a random day.

What is a Saturday?

It's the Lord's day of rest.

What is a weekend?

Weekends are a man-made construct.

- You ever been robbed?

- Here you go.

Keep 'em coming.

Not me.

I've never been robbed.

When you're up at 4:30 in the morning, they can't come take your stuff because you're awake.

You see 'em coming.

If you're asleep, you won't know.

If you sleep late, your stuff's gone.

4:30 is why I still have a TV and a radio.

(TV AND RADIO PLAYING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Come in.

- Come in, Zelda.

- A-B-C-D-E-F-G - MOISHE: It's remarkable.

- H-I-J-K - 7:30.

Can you believe it?

- L-M-N-O-P - They want to sleep till 7:30.

- Q-R-S - Let 'em sleep till 7:30, Pop.

- T-U-V - 7:30 is practically 8:00, - which is basically lunchtime.

It's the whole day!

- W-X - "Y" and "Z" - And they wouldn't even let your mother change their sheets.

They'd rather lie there - in their own filth.

- Now I've sung my ABCs You got to respect people's choices, Pop.

- (MOISHE SCOFFS)

- Tell me what You think of me.

All right, I'll tell you.

I think you're a genius.

- Now put your father on.

- A-B-C-D-E-F-G - Not again, Ethan.

Honey, please.

- H-I-J-K - That's four times already.

- L-M-N-O-P - Q-R-S - Know your ABCs - Yay!

Now put Daddy on.

- T-U-V - I've got to talk to Midge.

- Okay, put him on.

- She know about her parents' narcolepsy?

- "Y" and "Z.

" - There's money in it for you.

- Good job, buddy.

Pretty neat, huh?

My son needs to learn when to leave a stage.

Imogene taught him that song.

He's very proud.

All those bags go - with the kids.

- MOISHE: I got it, I got it.

Just getting them ready to go with the grandparents.

Oh, that'll be fun for them.

Hey, you check in with Abe and Rose lately?

'Cause I think my parents are driving them batshit.

- "Think"?

- I keep looking for SOS flares to sh**t up out of the Queens sky.

So, what are you doing while the kids are with them?

Leaves you a free man.

I'm working on the club.

Waiting for a liquor license miracle.

How about coming out to Vegas?

(CHUCKLES): I can't come out to Vegas.

Why not?

You've always wanted to.

It's a town full of clubs.

It'll be research.

- You can write it off.

- Uh, I don't know.

Maybe.

And you can see me perform.

You've only ever seen me that one time, that one awful time.

You don't talk about me, do you?

Nope.

I've got my Vegas set now, and it's going like gangbusters.

Come on, check the flights.

- Well - A-B-C-D - E-F-G.

- All right, all right.

I'll check the flights.

Whoa.

Hey.

Look what the cat dragged in.

This looks really sharp.

I think the rug really helps define the bedroom area.

And it looks bigger.

That's what happens when you tidy.

Tidiness makes things look bigger.

(SNIFFS)

And what's that smell?

Lilacs in water.

It's not only seasonal.

It's sensational.

So, how's Midge?

How's she doing?

She's kicking ass.

I just came back for a couple of meetings.

Ah, hell.

My blazer's wrinkled to sh*t.

Not to worry.

Wow.

I should let you move in more often.

Just give me a second or two for the iron to warm up.

And I have to pee.

Same place.

Behind the privacy curtain.

Privacy curtain.

Unbelievable.

I would like to do something with your hair.

Maybe a chignon.

SUSIE: Holy sh*t, you put in a bidet.

("TEQUILA" BY THE CHAMPS PLAYING)

Bernie Zucker.

Howie Stapleman.

- Yeah.

- That's us.

Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates.

Management firm.

- Okay.

- Thanks for coming.

- Thanks for coming?

- We're waiting on someone else.

- Katharine Hepburn?

- Yeah, Katharine Hepburn.

Truth be told, that was me on the phone.

- You - (IMITATING HEPBURN): Hello, Bernie?

What's say we do The Rainmaker on the old Broadway.

- The hell is this?

- Let's go, Bernie.

No, guys.

Please, listen.

Look, people say you two are the hottest producers on Broadway right now, and I have a client that you are gonna flip over, hand to heart.

- Really.

- Yeah.

Really.

Yale drama school.

Tons of experience on stage.

Adoring crowds.

She knows Elia Kazan intimately.

She comes with a built-in audience.

We're listening.

She's never done Broadway, but she's ready.

You'd be very lucky to scoop her up.

I got other meetings set.

- Okay.

We'll bite.

- Who is it?

Sophie Lennon.

(BERNIE AND HOWIE LAUGHING)

Sophie Lennon?

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Yep.

It's not the name you were expecting.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's very amusing.

- Oh, that is too - What what part?

Miss Julie.

Oh, no, Strindberg?

Oh, my God.

I can't - I am gonna be laughing till Passover.

- SUSIE: Yeah, okay.

Really, guys, I know comedy, so I know nothing is this funny.

(LAUGHING): I can't even - All right, stop it!

- (LAUGHTER STOPS)

You had your laughs.

Now let's say we get down to brass f*ckin' tacks.

I can make you a lot of money.

You like money?

I like money.

- Tell me you don't like money.

- We like money.

Yeah, we like money.

Yeah, I've seen your résumés.

You're not exactly flawless.

One of you did some musical about the Donner Party?

That cr*ck the Times made: "The actors chewed the scenery and then each other.

" - I'm still sore.

- All right, look, I jotted down some stats you might be interested in.

In the big markets, Sophie can sell out a 5,000-seater without breaking a sweat.

Now, last year she did two shows in one night in Los Angeles for a total of 6,500 people.

In the smaller markets, she can sell out the biggest houses they have, and they're beggin' for extra nights.

Now, if you can get just a teeny-tiny percentage of her rabid fans to come see this show, you have a smash.

Either of you guys in the market for a smash?

The funny little redhead, Carol Burnett, she slayed 'em in Mattress.

Mm.

Younger, though.

Sophie's got miles on her.

She's not bad looking.

Met her at a party in Oyster Bay.

Pretty full of herself, though.

She comes to this humbly, gentlemen.

She knows it's a stretch, but she's up for it.

The guy part.

- Jean.

- It's big enough to draw a name?

- He's on every page.

- If you can get a name, someone big, - someone to anchor this - Someone like - Gavin Hawk.

- Yes.

Gavin Hawk.

Then this could work.

Gavin Hawk, yeah, he'd be great.

Yeah.

Set up a meeting with him and you.

You bag him, we'll talk.

Great.

Let's get some food.

You do a pretty good Katharine Hepburn.

Oh, you should hear my Judy Holliday.

And every time it rains It rains pennies from heaven Scooby-dooby Don't you know each cloud contains Pennies from heaven?

Scooby-dooby Excuse me, Mr. Maisel?

Uh, yes?

I was keeping an eye out for you.

- Oh, that wasn't necessary.

- When Angie Calibresi heard that Mrs. Maisel had a guest coming, he wanted you to be taken care of.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Take Mr. Maisel's bag to 407.

Uh, thanks.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Enjoy your stay.

I think I will.

And when you hear thunder Don't run under a tree There'll be pennies from heaven For you and me.

- (COINS CLACKING)

- Oh-ho-ho!

The lead story in the paper's first issue needs to grab people by the neck and not let go.

- It needs to shout.

- In a barbaric yawp.

How about an interview with Fidel?

Castro?

My God, that would be amazing.

- What's your connection to him?

- I don't have a connection.

We go to Cuba.

Camp outside his door.

Or we connect with Che Guevara, and Che gets us to Fidel.

How do you get to Che Guevara?

We go to Cuba.

Camp outside his door.

Che seems even less approachable.

- But sexier.

- Yes, but I'm not sure how that gets us to Che Guevara.

We go through Che's friend, Alberto Granado.

How do we get to Granada?

We go to Cuba.

Camp outside his door.

You know, Cuba is awfully humid.

I could write a piece on my landlord.

- What did he do?

- My toilet's been running for a week, - and he's done nothing to fix it.

- That's fascist.

That's annoying.

I don't know that you could call it fascist.

- You try jiggling the handle?

- Turning it off with the valve - at the base of the toilet?

- Every time I use it?

That's a nightmare.

There has to be something between Che - and your wonky toilet.

- KESSLER: Okay, fine.

But I'm not happy, and my client's not gonna be happy, either.

We'll talk later.

Brace yourself, Abe.

I got bad news.

- What, what is it?

- That was the D. A.

They're dropping the charges against you.

- No!

- They're going through their files and dropping charges for insignificant, victimless crimes.

- Yours was one of them.

- Insignificant?

No, we've got to fight this.

Abe, it's a tiny bit unorthodox for a criminal defense attorney to fight charges being dropped - against his own client.

- Call the bastard back.

- Abe - Call him back!

Whatever you want.

We can go downtown, Abe, occupy the D. A 's office till they make things right.

That's good.

At the very least, it's criminal trespass they'd have to arrest me again.

- It could become our lead story.

- It's the '60s, man.

Yeah, Frank.

Kessler again.

Look, my client's pissed.

If you go through with dropping these charges, he's coming down with a group to occupy your offices!

Yes, they are serious.

- They are not joking.

- Oh-ho.

- Okay, I'll ask.

He wants to know when.

- We'll do it Tuesday.

- I can't Tuesday.

I've got a dentist appointment.

- And I can't do Wednesday.

It's Zelda's birthday we're taking her to the Four Seasons.

It's supposed to be fabulous.

I can do Thursday morning.

It's supposed to rain on Thursday.

Traffic'll be a nightmare.

And I can only do Friday after 3:00, - after piano.

- D. A. 's got to go, Abe.

- What's it gonna be?

- What's it gonna be?

Sir, we'll be occupying your offices the week after next.

I believe we're talking Thursday, probably between 10:00 and 1:30.

And one of us may have to peel off early.

Good day.

(SIGHS): Oh, yeah.

Che's gonna be no match for us.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Phoenician Hotel Showroom.

Please give a nice hand to funny lady, Mrs.

Maisel!

(WHOOPING, WHISTLING)

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

So, this afternoon, I was Oh, my God.

That's my ex-husband.

My ex-husband's here, right there at that table.

He lives in New York.

What No, I invited him to come.

- (LAUGHTER)

- It's fine.

Now, I promised him I wouldn't talk about him, - but that just shows he can't read a bluff.

- (LAUGHTER)

If you see him at a poker table after the show, go all in.

(LAUGHTER)

So, Joel Maisel was born in a shtetl called Brooklyn.

(LAUGHTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Susie Myers.

Myerson.

He's ready for you.

GAVIN: Yes, come in, come in!

Gavin, this is Susie Myerson.

- Bernie called about her.

- Ah, any friend of Bernie's.

- Come, sit, sit.

- Thank you.

Uh, nice to meet you, Mr.

Hawk.

How'd the show go tonight?

A woman in row three coughed repeatedly during my "Is this a dagger which I see before me?" speech.

- Hate that.

- Otherwise, it went swimmingly.

- Good to hear.

- She d*ed.

- Well, serves her right.

- It was either her or me.

Uh, so you know, I've never seen Macbeth.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

- You said the name.

- Macbeth?

- Oh.

- Oh, my God.

What?

Wha what am I doing?

(CLEARS THROAT)

We never use that word in the theater.

- Superstition.

- I am so sorry.

Must be hard to do the play if you can't say the word.

Now, I'm quite happy with my management.

I'm not in the market for anyone new.

It's nothing like that.

There's a play.

We have our leading actress, and you would be perfect for the other lead.

The man.

And what, pray tell, is the play?

It's Can I say the title?

There is only one title you cannot say, my dear.

- Miss Julie.

- Ah.

Miss Julie.

And who is playing Julie?

- Sophie Lennon.

- Sophie Lennon?

- Yep.

- Put that on your plate?

What's this about a plate?

- She's a comedian.

- Ah.

A comedian.

A farceur.

A wag.

(CHUCKLES)

Interesting.

Trod the boards much?

- Uh - Has she acted?

At Yale, back in the day.

Newcomers can bring fresh verve to a production.

Unencumbered by technique.

That is where I come in.

I would be the anchor.

You would be a terrific anchor.

A huge dead weight on the production.

That sounded wrong.

I meant that you would be, uh - Expensive?

- Absolutely.

Tell me.

Who is the greatest comedic star?

Uh, Jack Benny.

- Nope.

- Bob Hope.

Charlie Chaplin.

Charlie Chaplin.

Yes, I was gonna say that.

And who is the greatest dramatic star?

- You.

- Besides me.

- Peter O'Toole.

- Eh.

- Rex Harrison.

- Charlie Chaplin.

Right.

I was gonna say that.

- See my point?

- Crystal clear.

Tragedy, comedy all is one.

You heard I was expensive?

- I did.

- Tell Bernie I'll do it.

Fan-f*ckin'-tastic.

Ha-ha-ha!

Hey.

I know it's late, but I just got back from the Belasco, and I have great news, fantastic news.

SOPHIE: I'm listening.

I think we have our Jean.

Really?

Who?

Gavin Hawk.

Sophie?

This is huge.

I mean, Gavin Hawk is one of the biggest stars on Broadway.

I know who Gavin Hawk is.

- He's a great actor.

- He's an amazing actor.

And we got him.

We got Gavin Hawk.

This is big.

I suppose so.

It's just Just what?

What if I'm not sexually attracted to him?

- What if you're not - He'd be the object - of my desire, my Jean.

- Right.

There needs to be sexual attraction.

Sure.

Powerful sexual attraction.

And what if it's not there?

I don't know, you act it?

Act it.

Easy for someone standing in the wings to say.

Yes, I know I'm not the one standing on stage, but Could you do a love scene with Roy Rogers' horse?

- No.

- Well, there you go.

- But it's a horse.

- That you're not attracted to.

I'm not attracted to any horse.

Well, that's my point.

What if Hawk's a horse that I don't want to have sex with?

Well, I would say that maybe you should meet this horse.

Huh?

You know?

Maybe saddle him up, see if he's someone you want to ride.

- Did he look trim?

- Pretty much.

- Trim butt?

- He was sitting the whole time.

I need a nice trim butt to be attracted to a man.

Well, I'd say it was on the trim side.

It's a bit curvy.

It's a couple of nice handfuls.

Could you feel his magnetism, his machismo?

How?

He's British!

Come on, Sophie, it's Gavin Hawk!

Gavin Hawk.

- Gavin Hawk.

- Mmm.

Lower.

(DEEP VOICE): Gavin Hawk.

Lower.

- Lower.

- I'm getting off the phone now.

(DOGS WHINING)

You were so amazing; you had 'em in the palms of your hands.

- I couldn't believe it.

- It was a good night.

They were eating it up.

Well, a bunch of them were eating dinner.

But the crowd around me stopped eating to watch you.

I do put people off their appetites.

- (WOMEN LAUGHING)

- Oh.

There's Shy.

- Shy!

- No, Midge, don't.

- I want you to meet him.

Shy.

- SHY: Hold this.

- Hurry back.

He was great.

He was great!

His show was great.

- Hello, Midge.

- Shy, really quick, I just wanted to introduce you to my ex-husband.

- Okay.

- I know, I explained it in my set you missed it.

But this is Joel.

Joel, Shy Baldwin.

Nice to meet you, Joel.

Nice to meet you, Mr.

Baldwin.

Great show.

I mean, I wasn't your biggest fan before tonight - Good to hear.

- No.

I didn't mean it to sound like I didn't like you before.

I liked you.

But now it's, like, love.

I love you.

Joel, you're on the rebound.

Slow down, and let's see where this goes.

(CHUCKLES): I'm sorry.

That's very sweet.

And it's very nice to meet you.

- Same here.

- Thanks, Shy.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah.

See you tomorrow.

I mean, uh, she will.

- (CHUCKLES): I don't - Wow.

- I fell apart.

- You crumbled like a Lorna Doone.

You're opening for Shy Baldwin.

- Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

- I'm buying you a drink.

- You're opening for Shy Baldwin!

- (LAUGHS)

MIDGE: Cherry lemon cherry.

That should've been something.

JOEL: Lemon blueberry bell.

That should've been something.

MIDGE: Blueberry cherry jackpot.

That should've been something.

JOEL: Lemon jackpot orange.

That should've been something.

MIDGE: These machines are actually good luck.

You're on Susie's that's paid out at least seven times.

- (COINS CLACKING)

- You won!

- I won!

- You're a winner!

- Look at all those pennies!

- Get a cup.

Where do I get a cup?

I won!

I need a cup!

He needs a cup!

- (JOEL LAUGHING)

- Here (BAND PLAY MELLOW JAZZ SONG)

MIDGE: You're joking.

- You're not joking?

- I'm not joking.

There's a gambling parlor in your basement?

- Shh!

- We're buffered by dozens of rectangular states.

- They can't hear us.

- But if they knew I told you, they would, like, maybe have me k*lled.

Or be disappointed in me that would hurt worse.

Chinese guilt is almost as ancient as Jewish guilt.

- Hey.

Look.

- Where?

The-the roulette table.

That's what's-her-name.

- Who's-her-name?

- The actress.

From your movie.

- What's my movie?

- That movie, the super sexy blonde girl movie.

Pillow Talk?

Pillow Talk?

No, that's Doris Day.

- You think Doris Day is sexy?

- She's wholesome sexy.

But the movie I'm talking about is a good movie.

- I liked Pillow Talk.

- It's the one with the lady named Midge.

But this lady played the other lady.

She fell out of a tower.

The man saw her fall and went, "Aah " - Vertigo!

Oh.

- Shh, shh, shh!

- That's the lady.

- That's Kim Novak?

(GASPS)

That's Kim Novak.

That's what I'm saying.

She's playing roulette?

She's so elegant.

Should I go blonde again?

Oh, my God, Imogene would die if she was here.

She'd just keel over and die.

- She dabbed her mouth.

- She's all kinds of human.

Kim Novak's lipstick is on that napkin.

Uh, if only I had a big, strong man around.

You want the napkin?

- For Imogene.

- On it!

- Really?

- We'll never get this chance again.

We might.

I run into her at Zabars all the time.

But does she ever dab her lipstick at Zabars?

Mm.

Joel.

(CHUCKLES)

(GASPING)

(LAUGHS)

Look at that.

Kim Novak's lips.

She smells good, too.

You smelled Kim Novak?

Hey.

Two more.

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

- Oh Shh.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN DISTANCE)

(SIGHS)

Oh, hi.

Hi.

(GRUNTS)

- Hoo, boy.

- Yeah.

I got Big Ben in my head.

Mm.

What time is it?

k*ll me o'clock.

- (SIGHS)

- Yeah.

Oh, great.

Got an eight-ten split.

Mm.

I've got cotton mouth.

Mine's glue.

Or cement.

I'll get us some water.

Or some paint thinner.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING): Oh, my God.

Some night.

- JOEL: Yeah.

- (GRUNTS)

- (WATER RUNNING)

- Nice hotel.

- Nice people, too.

- (WATER STOPS)

- Here.

- Thanks.

(EXHALES)

Last night Yeah?

We saw Shy.

We played slots.

There's your bucket of pennies.

Kim Novak was playing roulette.

We stole her napkin.

You smelled her.

Then you bought drinks for the whole lounge.

That was dumb.

Especially since they're free.

There's a chapel downstairs.

Right inside the hotel.

How do you know?

Did we ?

No.

I think we No.

No, no, no.

Oh, boy.

- Is that a diamond?

- Glass.

Mama knows.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I can't feel my tongue.

It's like I've had Novocain.

Seriously, we didn't go to a dentist last night, did we?

We got married?

We got married.

sh*t.

And we definitely didn't go to a dentist?

Not unless you can get married at the dentist.

(CHUCKLES)

Why in the world are you laughing?

You're right.

This is serious.

We have so much to discuss.

Like our starter home.

Something in Westchester might be nice.

And where to honeymoon.

Niagara Falls is probably long booked.

- We could go on a cruise.

- Midge.

You should know I have kids.

From a previous marriage, but I think you'll like them.

- Midge.

- And we should meet each other's parents.

- You're Jewish, right?

- How can they just let two people drunk off their asses get married like that?

I don't think they let you get married here if you're sober.

This is not good.

This is paperwork and legal stuff.

We just got divorced.

Maybe this time we'll get a discount.

It's embarrassing.

People shouldn't know.

Don't tell Imogene.

- I won't.

- Or Archie.

Or anyone.

It's not right, it's not good.

I've got a A what?

You've got a what?

I'm kind of seeing someone.

Oh.

Y-You've got a girlfriend.

- She's not a girlfriend.

- A close friend who's a girl.

- I've got a headache.

- How serious?

- It's a bad f*cking headache.

- The girl.

It's very new.

She's the first thing that came to your mind.

- She wasn't the first thing.

- I won't tell her.

- If that's what you're worried about.

- You don't know her.

I mean, if I see you with her, I won't tell her we got married and I sure as hell won't tell her we slept together.

Can she sharpen a pencil?

You're making this too big a thing.

And, yes, she can sharpen a pencil.

You know, you didn't have to come out.

I didn't mean to pry you away.

- You could've said no.

- Seriously, Midge?

- I'm not upset.

- We're divorced.

And this thing I have, I can't even call it a relationship yet.

- Yes, you said.

- And I was not the first.

- You were the first.

- The first what?

You were engaged.

And I never gave you trouble.

I'm not engaged now.

No, because that would get in the way of entertaining yourself on the road.

I beg your pardon.

(SCOFFS)

Midge, come on.

No, no.

What are you talking about?

- Shy Baldwin?

- Oh, come on.

You call his name, he comes bounding up to you.

He's nice to everybody.

- Fans.

Friends.

Co-workers.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Then what about this.

Where are you going?

- Joel?

- Whose are these?

They're sure not yours.

They're Susie's.

I'll put 'em back.

I need to get back to my room and get going.

- My flight's at noon.

- Okay.

I'll, uh I'll get into it with my lawyer.

And you should probably do the same with yours.

I'll call him tomorrow.

I never asked you about the teddy bears.

They're my weird ask.

Okay.

(DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)

- (PHONE RINGING)

- (GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Ow.

(GROANS)

Hello?

Miriam.

It's your father.

Papa, what is it?

Are the kids okay?

The kids are fine.

We're not okay.

ROSE: We got into a huge fight with Moishe and Shirley.

ABE: Over hanging the mezuzahs.

ROSE: It almost came to blows.

Hey, Mama, could you speak a little quieter, please?

- I've got this headache.

- She says you should be quiet.

- That's not what I said, Papa.

- Be quiet?

How dare she?

- Tell her that's not what I said.

- I have a right to speak.

Why were you fighting about mezuzahs?

Moishe was hanging them wrong.

I told him the letter Shin should be on top, facing the doorway, and he wouldn't listen.

So he was hanging them upside down?

ABE: And having Ethan help him.

My own grandson learning to hang mezuzahs - like a shmuck.

- He told us to butt out.

Really, Mama, could you back away from the phone just a smidge when you talk?

- She says you should back off.

- No, Mama, that's not what I said.

Miriam, this had been a bad enough day.

- I don't need you insulting me.

- I have a headache.

Papa, you're a terrible go-between.

Moishe elbowed me.

With his elbow.

His big, bony elbow.

Just try to hang on a little longer.

This living with them is temporary.

SHIRLEY: Shoo fly pie Shirley's coming and she might be naked.

She walks around the house naked.

- We've got to go.

- And your tummy (SIGHS)

Oh, God.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome, everyone, to the Phoenician Hotel.

- 90 seconds.

- Thanks, Zack.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

Our show is about to begin.

Hey.

I made it for "tits up. " Great.

(SIGHS)

Lovin' this Vegas weather.

70 degrees in the dead of winter.

New York was freezing.

How've ya been?

Everything good?

- I got married.

- Wait.

What?

To Joel.

We're married.

- Joel who?

- Joel who?

You know who.

Joel.

Your ex-husband?

He's in New York.

- He came out to visit.

- Get out of here.

And we got married.

And then we had sex.

You just got divorced.

I was there.

I saw it.

The judge guy banged the gavel.

Don't think I'm happy about this.

You really couldn't hold it together - for a few days, Miriam?

- You're supposed to hold it together for me, but you weren't here.

Now you're gonna blame me for you f*cking your ex-husband and getting married?

Stop, stop.

I know.

It was stupid.

It's not your fault.

We got drunk, it happened.

Look, this is just another part of a manager's job.

Quickie divorces for drunk clients.

- I assume you want a divorce?

- Of course.

Don't want to break up the happy couple.

- Happy couple?

- Nothing.

Yeah, if you could help with this, that'd be good.

- Hello, ladies.

- Angie, hi.

What's up?

- Hi there, Angie.

- Just wondering how it's going.

Shows are winding down, I'm gonna miss you guys.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Everything's going absolutely great.

Just great.

Uh, g-great is a good word to describe how it's all going.

Excellent's good, too.

Good word, very good word to describe it.

Stupendous.

- See you after.

- Thanks, Angie.

Your voice is all high.

Why's your voice all high?

(NORMAL VOICE): Miriam, listen to me carefully.

Never sit in Angie's swivel chair.

Okay, I won't sit in Angie's swivel chair.

We've both had enough of Vegas.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Phoenician Hotel Showroom.

- You gonna hang here?

- Uh, a actually, I'm gonna go call Reggie, catch up on some things.

He's been very tough to get a hold of.

Work, work, work.

(CHUCKLES)

- But w w we'll meet up later.

- Great.

- Tits up.

- Tits up.

ANNOUNCER: our favorite funny lady, Mrs. Maisel.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MIDGE: Thank you, thank you.

Thank you so very much, everyone.

So, who here has ever married her ex-husband?

(LAUGHTER)

Get those dice back to me quick, boys.

The hand is hot.

(WHOOPS)

Everything's good.

Got a Broadway show going, got my girl up on stage.

I'm raking in the chips.

Everything is definitely Hands!

- What?

- Get your g*dd*mn hands up.

- Sorry.

- Amateur.

Double up on everything, boys.

Hard eight, come on hard eight.

MAN: Hard eight!

- Yes!

- Yes!

- Press the hard eight.

- (WHOOPS)

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Come on.

(WHOOPS)

Little something for the boys.

Let's go.

Hard eight.

f*ckin' dice in my hand.

Come on.

I like the way you smile at me I felt the heat that enveloped me And what I saw I like to see I never knew Where evil grew I should have steered away from you My friend told me to keep clear of you But something drew me near to you I never knew Where evil grew Evil grows in the dark Where the sun, it never shines Evil grows in cracks and holes And lives in people's minds Evil grew, it's part of you And now it seems to be That every time I look at you Evil grows in me.

Evil grew, it's part of you And now it seems to be That every time I look at you Evil grows in me.