01x05 - I Have A Thing About Bathrooms

Episode transcripts for the TV show "k*lling Eve". Aired April 8, 2018 to current.*

Moderator: kenny_stowton

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Two woman, Eve who is bored with her job that doesn't fufill her fantasies of being a spy and Villanelle, a talented k*ller are equally obsessed with each other, will go head to head in an epic game of cat and mouse.
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01x05 - I Have A Thing About Bathrooms

Post by bunniefuu »

Don't do anything stupid.

Where's my bag?

I don't think I can trust you anymore.

You won't work alone again.

Your hair's grown.

DIEGO: No fighting in the car!
She's a friend.

I'm poking around on these transactions and I noticed this.

Kenny traced the lead.
Payments made to a school.

Both of Frank's kids go there.

What does he know?

Aah!

Who are you running from, Frank?

NADIA: I can look after us both now.

[NADIA SCREAMS]

- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no, drive!

- Oh!
- [SCREAMS]

ELENA: Come on! Eve, go, go!

- Drive!
- Go!

♪♪

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Eve?

What are you...

What are you doing? Are you insane?

I'm gonna talk to her.

She has been trying to k*ll me!

- She's waiting for something.
- Oh, my God, Eve,

- please don't say...
- She's waiting for me.

ELENA: Wake up, Eve!
She's an actual assassin.

She's here to k*ll him.

- Eve!
- I'm thinking.

ELENA: Eve, we will catch her again, okay?

And then you can do whatever it is that you want to do with her, but right now, stop being a d*ck, Eve!

- I'll punch you if I have to.
- FRANK: Yes!

Eve, no!

[UNLOVED'S "CRY BABY CRY" PLAYS]

♪ If I gave you my heart ♪

♪ Would you break it? ♪

♪♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪♪

♪ If I gave you a secret ♪

♪ Would you keep it? ♪

♪ If I gave you reason ♪

♪ Would you beg? ♪

♪♪

No!

[CHUCKLES]

♪♪

- [g*nsh*t]
- [GASPS]

♪♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

So, what happens now?

- Who is she?
- I don't know.

We didn't exactly chat much.

So there were three of them, and they didn't say a word to each other?

Come on, Frank!

Is there any more brown sauce?

- Where are your kids?
- With my mother-in-law.

Text her and tell her you need them to stay there a few nights.

No, use mine.

They'll be tracking yours.

You know, I did this for the right reason.

I don't want to hear what your version of the right reason is.

Could you just not give me a hard time?

Just for a minute, please?

I'm very tired.

Uh...

Am I allowed to please go and get some more sauce?

ELENA: Who would spend that much money on that man?

God, look how excited he is about his brown sauce.

He makes me sick.

Oksana.

What?

One of the girls was called Oksana.

Oksana.

- O-K-S...
- [KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Oksana, yeah.

Just search every prison record with that name.

If there is an Oksana who has so much as stolen a bar of soap, I want to know about her, okay?

On it. Are you guys okay?

[SIGHS] Yeah, we're fine.

Send me the safe house address.

- Anything else?
- The suitcase came back.

Great. Anything?

Her DNA is all over it.

Clear match with samples from the other kills. It...

- It's just...
- What?


She must know she's traceable.

Either she's deeply arrogant or she knows she's protected.

- Or both?
- Oh, God, or both.

Okay, call me with any Oksanas, okay?

- Sure. Bye.
- All right. Bye.

[HONKS HORN]

Priority.

- ELENA: This way.
- Huh...

Yeah, make sure that he doesn't...

- Do you have a moist wipe?
- No.

This is your own personal safe house salon.

There's toothpaste, toothbrush, soap and shampoo in the cupboard.

This is where the magic happens.

Uh, all the windows are secured so you don't need to worry about any tap, tap, tapping on the glass in the night.

And I'll be here the whole time for anything you might need, other than a cuddle.

Happily married, not one to stray.

I've asked for a Chinese tonight if you fancy it.

Bit of duck.

Elena, why don't you go make some tea?

Okay.

Okay, let's go, Frank.

[SIGHS]

♪♪

Hello, Frank.

Look... what I've done is nowhere near as bad as what a lot of people have done to save their families, okay?

We chased the money, we know you're on the payroll.

So you might as well start talking.

What do they want?

[STUTTERING] I think I'm... I think I'm... having a anxiety att*ck.

My arms are... They feel, they're numb.

[PANTING] Can you get me a doctor, please?

Just breathe slowly. Don't hyperventilate.

Can I just please go and have a bath or change my clothes?

I will tell you everything.

You can have five minutes to get changed.

And you'll be escorted.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

- Thank you.
- ELENA: You're welcome.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Okay, looks like you guys have got this.

So, with all due respect, I'm gonna head back to East London grab three bottles of wine, and cry-hump my ex until the memory of this traumatic day evaporates.

I understand.

Other than that, Carolyn, I had an amazing day.

He says he's feeling too weak to talk.

Do you want to drag him in here by his armpits?

No.

I know exactly what he needs.

I'm so sorry you have to see this.

It's okay, Frank.

It's all gonna be okay.

Just tell me who these people are.

[SIGHS]

They call themselves...

The Twelve.

And they knew everything about me.

- They blackmail you?
- No.

No, worse.

They offered to pay for my wife's medical treatment.

They knew everything about her condition.

They knew the NHS wouldn't offer certain treatments for cancer without private patient funding these days.

I had no other option.

You can't blame the NHS for this.

No, of course not.

- I blame the government.
- And the school fees?

I just wanted my family to be happy.

What information did they want from you?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

They just want to know what conversations are being had.

They're interested in the big picture.

Specifically, information about Russia?

No.

Although the agent was Russian and we drank a lot, so I just assumed...

I thought they were SVR.

Standard Russian government agents who wanted a little inside gossip, people's whereabouts...

I don't know. They just wanted to know anything and everything.

I just wanted my wife to be okay.

I think Bill's wife wanted the same for him.

I didn't know they were going to go after Bill.

I think she took your department rather personally.

And how do they know about the department?

I told them. I thought you were still investigating after you interrogated me...

I did not interrogate you. No, I did not...

CAROLYN: For someone who says they know hardly anything, you seem to know rather a lot.

Why didn't you come to us?

Because I didn't want to get caught here.

I thought the Russians... would help.

- And the girl.
- Yes, well, they're very proud of her. They're using her to...

What? What are they using her for?

There is a sequence.

A pattern to these kills.

They're destabilizing from the ground up.

To what end?

Chaos.

Any matches for Oksana yet?

KENNY: I'm still working on that. Nothing yet.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Frank said the organization calls themselves "The Twelve".

Powerful number.

- Is it?
- disciples,

months of the year, days of Christmas.

Is Elena okay?

Oh, yeah, she's taking the afternoon off.

Okay.

I might call her.

Do you think that would be weird?

Well, now you have the disciple thing if you need an excuse.

I think it would be very thoughtful.

Okay.

Bye.

Police have confirmed that they've found a male body in the site near where you picked up Frank.

They're gonna keep us informed.

There are three of them.

- Someone is unaccounted for.
- Apparently so.

Was that, uh, Kenny on the phone?

Yes.

Is he, uh...

His father d*ed a few years ago, right?

Mm-hmm.

Very sudden. I just thought...

With Bill suddenly...

Is he okay?

Well, he sounds okay. I... [SIGHS]

We're all in shock. I'll keep an eye on him.

Good.

Uh, do you need an escort home?

[SIGHS] No.

Thank you. I think a walk would be good.

[UNLOVED'S "NO FRIEND OF MINE" PLAYS]

♪ I cannot tell you ♪

♪ If you won't hear ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ And I cannot show you ♪

♪ If you don't feel ♪

♪ The words escaping ♪

♪ My heart expressing ♪

♪ And just one... ♪

[GASPS]

♪♪

[MOBILE RINGING]

Oh, sh*t.

sh*t.

Ouch!

sh*t.

[PANTING]

Hi, darling. Hi, I...

No, I'm so sorry. I have to...

I have to go back into the office.

Bring Dom around for food later, okay?

No, no, I'm fine.
I just, I ran for a bus. Uh...

Are you annoyed?

God, you are my hero, okay? Yes.

I'll see you later. Good luck.

Okay, love you. Okay, bye.

♪♪

- Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I think it's his baby's blanket thing.

I found it under the desk.

I wasn't sure what to do with it.

So, I just folded it.

I'll take it back to his family.

You should still talk to him, you know.

- What?
- Even though he's gone.

We should just talk out loud to him sometimes.

It helps, I promise.

- Kenny, I...
- I found some prison records on various Oksanas around Russia and Ukraine.

There's one I really want to show you.

- Great. Um, can I just...
- [COMPUTER BEEPS]

- Uh, yes, I just need to...
- ...see, um...

- Oh, God, I'm sorry.
- No, no, um, it's fine.

"Professional" has two "Ses."

- Thanks.
- [COMPUTER BEEPING]

Uh...

- Oh, sh*t.
- Yes, that's the one.

Oksana Astonkova.

Fits the profile perfectly.

- Except...
- What?

Well, she d*ed in prison.

- When?
- Four years ago.

Why was she there?

She, um, k*lled a guy and did some pretty weird things to him.

- Like what?
- She, um...

- How would Elena say it?
- She chopped his knob off.

♪♪

[SNIFFS]

♪♪

♪ There's something about ♪

♪ The way you are ♪

♪ That makes me... ♪

♪ There's something about ♪

♪ The way you are ♪

♪ That makes me... ♪

♪♪

[SIGHS]

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ There's something about ♪

♪ The way you are ♪

♪ That makes me... ♪

♪♪

♪ There's something about ♪

♪ The way you are ♪

♪ That makes me... ♪

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFLES]

Jesus.

[DOOR OPENS]

Niko?

[LOCKS CLICKING]

[SIGHS]

- Don't run.
- [GASPS]

[PANTING]

♪♪

- VILLANELLE: Open the door!
- [KNOCKING]

Open it!

Come on, come on!

Help me! Help me!

I am not going to hurt you!

Please!

VILLANELLE: Open it, or I will break it!

Something, something, something! Jesus.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Damn it!

- Open this sh*t door!
- No! No!

No!

Listen to me. Listen to me.

- No!
- [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS AND SCREAMS] No!

Stop it! Stop screaming at me!
I'm not going to hurt you!

- [SCREAMING]
- Stop it!

[EVE WAILING]

Stop it! Stop screaming!
I'm not going to hurt you.

- You're hurting me!
- Shut up!

Aah!

[GURGLING]

Stop it!

[CHOKING AND COUGHING]

I just want to have dinner with you.

[GASPING]

Okay?

Mmm.

Okay!

[SIGHS]

Okay!

EVE: Um...

I don't really have much to, uh...

I will eat anything. [CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

There's shepherd's pie.

Thank you.

I can do it in the oven, but microwaving it would be faster.

Microwave is fine.

You're shaking.

Uh, yeah, well...

Hey, put on something from there.

I won't look.

♪♪

[UNZIPPING]

♪♪

You have a very nice body.

♪♪

Do you want me to lay the table?

No, you're my guest.

♪♪

You don't want that to slip.

You can hold on to it if it makes you feel better.

[MICROWAVE DINGS]

♪♪

[CHUCKLES]

♪♪

Please.

♪♪

It's so nice to meet you.

You, too.

Why are you here?

Did you make this?

No.

- Your husband?
- Yes.

He has an excellent mustache.

[CHUCKLES]

Why are you in my house?

I wanted to see you.

Why?

[SOBBING] I need someone to help me.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I know what I am.

I know I'm not... normal, I...

I don't feel things that...

I'm sorry.

[SNIFFLES]

I didn't want to hurt your partner.

I don't want to hurt people.

They make me do it.

If I don't do what they say...

[SNIFFLES]

Eve, I have nowhere to go.

I need help.

Eve, please, I am so sorry.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

God.

You're an assh*le.

Oksana.

[CHUCKLES]

You are so pleased with yourself.

I know more than that.

- Hmm?
- Mm-hmm.

I know you are Russian.

I know you were in a prison in Moscow for five years until someone broke you out.

I know you are exceptionally bright.

Determined.

Hardworking.


What else?

I know you are an extraordinary person.

What else?

I know something happened to you.

What else?

I know you're a psychopath.

You should never tell a psychopath they are a psychopath.

It upsets them.

Are you upset?

♪♪

[SNIFFLES]

Stupid word.

Are you here to k*ll me?

We're just watching you.

Who?

Who do you work for?

Why are you k*lling these people?

- Do you not know?
- Do you know who you work for?

- Yes.
- Really?

- Yes.
- Really?

I think if you went high enough, you'd probably find we work for the same people.

I have, uh, [CLEARS THROAT] your prison file.

What does it say?

Why castration?

What did he do to you?

Tell me.

Okay.

But can we get one thing clear before we go on with this?

Yes.

Is that a sweater attached to a shirt?

Is it two separate pieces?
How does it work?

Why Bill?

He was slowing you down.

- Ugh!
- Don't do that.

Don't do that.

[PANTING]

♪♪

[SIGHS]

It's worse... when I push it through slowly.

Don't make me.

♪♪

[SNIFFS]

[EXHALES]

Are you wearing his?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I am gonna find the thing you care about... and I am gonna k*ll it.

[DOOR UNLOCKING]

Oh! Please.

Please?

[DOOR CLOSES]

MAN: What? I thought I told her...

What is your PIN?

One, two...

[MEN CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY]

...three...

...four.

[SIGHS]

[BRITISH ACCENT] Okay.

Thank you so much for your help.

- I'll take this.
- [MAN CHUCKLES]

Hi!

I'm sorry, I'm just leaving.

- Oh, hi.
- Hello.

Hi!

Oh, thanks, Eve, that was delicious!

♪♪

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SIGHS] Did you win?

♪♪

[DOORBELL RINGING]

[KNOCKING]

I'm sorry I couldn't call, I...

[PANTING] She took my phone.

She was in my house, we had a sort of a fight, I think,

- and...
- [PEOPLE LAUGHING IN OTHER ROOM]

Are... Are you having a party?

It's just dinner, come in.

God, I'm sorry.

You look really nice.

- This way.
- [STUTTERING] I'm sorry for interrupting.

CAROLYN: Oh, it's just an old friend.

Kenny, would you join us?

Kenny is my son.

We have no time for you to react to that, so don't feel that you have to.

Um, I just won't be a moment, Martin.

And that's Martin.

[WHIMPERING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Are you hurt?

No. [SIGHS]

She took my phone.

It has the interview with Frank on it.

And she'll have the location of the safe house.

- I used my phone to get us there.
- All right.

I'm going to alert armed response.

I need forensics at my house, I need protection for my husband, but most importantly, we need to move Frank now.

- Yes, all right, um...
- [CELL PHONE KEYS BEEPING]

Do you want to, um...

KENNY: Well, I've got the pudding to do, so...

Yes, pudding, yes, uh, yeah, sure.

- Will you still save...
- Save you some? Sure.

Yes. Thank you. Yes.
All right. Let's go.

♪♪

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

♪♪

Oh, God! Oh, God! Someone!

[CHUCKLES]

Squealer.

I'm... No, I'm...

I didn't tell them everything. [PANTING]

Are you going to k*ll me?

Mmm.

But first, I'm going to use you for sex.

[LAUGHS]

It's just a joke.

Please. Please!

We can do a deal.

- I have a lot of money.
- So do I.

I have children.

I don't want your children.

No, I have children to take care of.

Oh! Oh.

This will give them something to bond over.

You scared?

Yes.

Because you don't know what happens when you die?

You have any ideas?

♪♪

Your eyes will just... empty.

Then your soul goes in.

People think that your soul or personality, whatever, leaves the body when you die.

I swear, it just goes further in.

It falls so far in and just...

Just becomes so small that it can't control your body anymore.

It's just in there, dying forever.

[SOBS]

Mmm.

[WHIMPERING AND BREATHING HEAVILY]

[STUTTERS]

I'm going to k*ll you nicely.

Hmm? First.

But then I'm going to make a mess of your body afterwards so it looks worse than it is.

Just so you know, okay?

[STAMMERS] No, wait, please, can we... do it in the bedroom?

I have a thing for bathrooms, actually.

Please?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Okay. Come on. Let's do it in there.

♪♪

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[SOBBING]

♪♪

[GRUNTS AND YELLS]

[GASPS]

- Don't get me excited.
- I'm sorry.

Take off your clothes.

[SIGHS] And you might get away with this.

- What do you want from me?
- Your penis.

My... Huh?

OFFICER: Complete?

First room's clear!

[MAN YELLING]

♪♪

We have one male in need ofurgent medical assistance.

♪♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Oh, my God!

Max, are you okay?

- Frank?
- [GASPS]

Oh...

Oh!

- Through there?
- Yes, ma'am.

♪♪

[CAR DOOR SHUTS]

She, um...She...

Just say it.

She chopped his knob off.

Right.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

VILLANELLE: Diego and Nadia were fighting.

- Ugh.
- And then?

And then he just went backwards!

I was screaming.

Nadia put something in the back of the car and bang, he hit her.

Told me to get out of the car and we just walked away.

I had no w*apon.

He said he was going to k*ll me, I said, "Why?

"Why? We're meant to be a team, we have to get the target."

Said we were, uh...

Oh, God, what's the word he used?

"Pumpkins."

- So?
- So I sh*t him.

Oh. I thought you had no w*apon.

- I took his.
- Oh.

While he was pointing it at you?

I didn't want to tell you this part of the story because I knew you would be jealous.

Hmm?

I had to use my tits.

[LAUGHS] To k*ll him?

You k*lled him with your tits?

No!

When he was looking at them, I took his g*n.

Ah, okay.

- It was so sad, you know?
- Mmm-hmm.

I liked having a team, but you can't trust anyone, huh?

You told me that.

Nadia is still alive.

No.

No, he... he went over her.

Twice.

I think you should go and visit her before she starts telling her side of the story.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Where is Nadia?

Russia.

No.

You have no choice.

No one else can do it.
It's too suspicious.

Don't worry.

You can come straight back.

What about Anna? Hmm?

[SCOFFS] You won't see her.

What?

What number are you?

What?

You're not .

[SIGHS] Oh, dear.
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