01x01 - Episode 1

(HARMONIZING INTRO TO GEORGE MICHAEL'S "FAITH")

♪ Faith, faith, faith faith, faith ♪

♪ Faith, faith, faith, faith, faith ♪

♪ Well, I guess it would be nice ♪

♪ If I could touch your body ♪

♪ I know not everybody ♪

♪ Has got a body like you ♪

♪ Well, I gotta think twice ♪

♪ Before I give my heart away ♪

♪ And I know all the games you play ♪

♪ Because I play them too ♪

♪ Oh, but I need some time off... ♪

Has he ever had hair on his head?

Yes.

- Did he, when you met him?
- No.

But he's got hair everywhere else?

- Oh, my God.
- I don't want to know, actually.

♪ Well, it takes a strong man, baby ♪

♪ But I'm showin' you the door ♪

♪ Because I gotta have ♪
♪ Faith, faith, faith ♪

♪ I gotta have ♪
♪ Faith, faith, faith ♪

♪ Because I gotta have faith, faith, faith ♪

♪ I gotta have faith, faith, faith ♪

- Has he asked you to marry him?
- (SINGING "BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP")

Yeah.

- He has?
- Yes.

What, and you said no?

♪ Baa, baa, black sheep ♪

♪ Baa, baa, black sheep, black sheep, black sheep ♪

- You're not going to have that many chances.
- Okay.

♪ Any wool? Said, have you any woolly, woolly, wool? ♪

You've got a limited number of eggs.

♪ Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir ♪

♪ I got three bags full, three bags full ♪

They're dropping out every month.

- And they lose quality the older you get.
- I know.

That's why I only had you.

I would have loved to have had another stab at it.

Thank you.

♪ Black sheep! ♪

- (DAVID GRAY'S "BABYLON" PLAYING)
- ♪ And if you want it ♪

♪ Come and get it ♪

♪ Cryin' out loud ♪

(DAVID MOANS)

♪ The love that I was givin' you was ♪

♪ Never a doubt ♪

(MOANING)

♪ Let go of your heart, let go of your head ♪

♪ And feel it now ♪

(GRUNTS INQUISITIVELY)

♪ Let go of your heart ♪

♪ Let go of your head ♪

(RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)

♪ Babylon ♪

(HAIR DRYER WHIRRING LOUDLY)

(GRUNTING)

(METRONOMY'S "THE LOOK" PLAYING)

♪ ♪

- ♪ You're up, you'll get down ♪
- (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA)

♪ You're never running from this town ♪

♪ Kinda think you said ♪

♪ You'll never get anything better than this ♪

♪ 'Cause you're going 'round in a circle ♪

♪ And everyone knows you're trouble ♪

♪ 'Cause you read it in a big book ♪

♪ Now you're givin' me the look, look ♪

♪ This town's the oldest friend of mine ♪

♪ Get up and we get down ♪

♪ We're always running 'round this town ♪

♪ And to think they said... ♪

DEBORAH: Right, okay. So, as you know,

Krebel Farms have asked us to put the sexy back into, um, eggs...

- (MAN WHISTLES)
- (LAUGHTER)

... for their relaunch as a teen brand.

So, Nigel, how are you and...

- (WHISPERS): Sorry.
- DEBORAH: Well, there she is.

DEBORAH: Come on in. Do join us.

So how are you two getting on with the, uh, work you've been doing?

NIGEL: Good, yeah.

We're, uh, working on, um, egg DJs.

DJing eggs.

Omelet... omelet decks.

Sally did some pretty fun mock-ups of, of the DJ.

DEBORAH: All right, let's see those, then.

I didn't... I didn't bring the drawings today.

Um... sorry.

- I can bring them next time.
- Well, there isn't a next time, Sally.

This is the meeting to do with this, so...

Any other ideas?

I have a boiled egg every morning, and I'm convinced they make your boobs grow.

Mine just get bigger and bigger. (CHUCKLES)

DEBORAH: Right.

DEBORAH: Market research does show that we do need to address what people don't like about eggs

- as much as what they do.
- MICK: Definitely. Exactly.

Yeah, um... you're right.

I mean, I... I really worry about the little brown bits you find in the yolk.

I don't know, um...

- Is that a tiny stool?
- Stool?

No, no, no. It's not a stool.

It's a bit of fetus, half-formed.

Maybe that's how we should pitch the campaign, you know.

Can you face the horror within the shell?

Well, we could, but, right now, I'm wondering whether perhaps it'd be better if we just disguised the eggshells, altogether.

Eggs in bras.

That was one idea we were thinking of.

Egg lingerie.

- Right, eggs in bras.
- A way of presenting the eggs in a fun, sexy, provocative way.

You could too, I mean, we could bring in your theme there

'cause young girls do want to have a chest, don't they, as they grow?

So, you could have a... eggs in trainer bras, maybe, would be better?

Fried eggs?

You know, like little girls have.

Not, not the big 'uns, like she's got.

Well, I had a full chest by the age of ten.

Yeah, I... I was eight.

DEBORAH: Oh. Sally?

Um...

One got big at nine.

Um, the other one...

(LAUGHS) Twelve? I don't, I don't know.

DEBORAH: No, I meant, did you have any more ideas?

Sorry about earlier.

No, it's fine. What happened?

I just forgot everything.

Left all my stuff on the tube.

- On the tube?
- Mm.

What's that smell?

That's probably my massive ball bag.

Hey. I think she fancies me.

- Sally?
- You know how she's all, like,

- gets flustered about me...
- Mm.

- ... and like walks off?
- Yeah.

Well, that's classic pheromone stuff, isn't it?

I thought pheromones were supposed to draw the opposite s*x towards you.

No, no. It repels them because I'm so powerful. She's gets...

- Overwhelmed? Has to go and lie down?
- Yeah.

So, I was thinking I'll probably make a move

- if that's all right with you.
- Yeah, fine. Why wouldn't it be? Go for it.

Well, you might be looking for a rebound shag.

No. No, that's all...

- I've shut up shop in that department.
- Yeah?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Hi. Do you mind if I... ?

Oh, no.

Just labeling my dairy products.

I have brittle bones.

Oh, okay.

Well, my legs are useless, but... it's good to keep the bones present.

Thirsty bones.

Right, yeah.

I just wanted to say

I know we're both going for the promotion, but...

Well, I...

I hope we can be friends?

Yeah, of course. I'd like that.

I don't want people thinking just because I'm in the chair that...

you know, that I've got...

you know, an unfair advantage over you.

No, no, not at all.

I mean, I didn't notice the chair.

I was run over.

I'm... I'm sorry.

By my mum.

God, that's awful.

Was it, um, recently?

Uh, no. I was, um...

quite young.

She, um, reversed over me and then...

back again.

She said she thought it was a large dog.

But I think she knew.

Hmm.

(METRONOMY'S "EVERYTHING GOES MY WAY" PLAYING)

- ♪ When I took you back ♪
- You should come along.

♪ I thought you'd only up and run ♪

♪ But you're still here ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ And when I took you back ♪

(SALLY SCREAMING)

- (MAN GRUNTING)
- SALLY: No! No! Get off me!

SALLY: Get off me!

- (SALLY SCREAMING)
- (MAN GRUNTING)

- What the f*ck?
- It's okay, baby. Baby, Sal!

- It's me!
- It's f*cking you!

- Oh, my God.
- I was just trying to spice...

Jesus Christ!

Well, I... I'm just fed up with you

saying I'm boring and predictable.

And my pen1s is too small.

SALLY: I never said it was too small.

I just said I couldn't feel anything.

Where did you get the balaclava?

Blacks. It was quite expensive.

Well, can you take it back?

I'll try. I think I've still got the receipt.

I'm going to bed.

- (DISHES CLATTERING)
- DAVID: Sal.

I know this... this isn't the best time, but...

David...

Sally...

will you marry me?

God, it just, it feels a bit weird after that.

I know, I know. I know my timing's terrible, but...

(CRYING): I love... I love you, Sal.

I love you.

I want to lay down roots and I want to start a family with you.

- Please, Sal!
- David.

Please say yes.

Sal, we've known each other for ten years!

- (WHIMPERING)
- (WHISPERS): David...

Mum's so, so ill.

- Please.
- She's got a flu.

We don't know, Sal. Please say yes.

You're not getting any younger.

You're not gonna meet anyone else.

Please, Sal.

Okay.

Really?

Yeah.

Sal. That's fantastic.

That's fantastic!

(SIGHS)

(SLURPS)

Oh, that's lovely.

(MOANS)

I've got something to show you.

Close your eyes.

Mum would burst...

(FARTS)

... if you would wear...

... this.

- Was that hers?
- Yeah.

There's a few stains.

But it does smell really nice.

(SNIFFING) Yeah. Have a smell.

- No, I'm good.
- It's lovely.

- You sure?
- I'm good.

Okay.

(GRUNTS)

Right. Put that back in here.

(SIGHS)

Ooh, dear. Do you want one of these?

- No, I'm fine.
- Sure?

I'm gonna have one.

I'm gonna have a bickie.

I thought we could have some intercourse.

Mmm.

- I think I'm fine.
- Hmm?

- I'm... I'm good for that.
- Sure?

No, thank you.

A little bit stuck.

(CRUNCHES, SLURPS)

SALLY: Want some water?

(DAVID GROANS)

It's got jam in it.

They're Jammie Dodgers, that's why.

- Do you not want to make love?
- No. Thank you.

SALLY: Too tired.

(SIGHS)

- DAVID: I'd love to make love to you now.
- No, I don't want to. Thank you.

What was on the dress?

Oh, just... stains.

Mum had quite an overactive gland.

I bet it fits.

What gland?

Oh, well, um, she never liked to talk about it, really.

But it was, you know, that one.

(SLURPS)

(SNORING)

♪ ♪

(SNORING CONTINUES)

(RAVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(NOISY CHATTERING)

EMMA: Lil' ol' Humpsey Boots.

STEVEN: Yeah, my mouth has never been drier and I've never cared less.

(MUSIC BEGINS)

♪ Boom, boom, bumpy élan ♪

♪ Sexy lady ♪

♪ Grande bouffe ♪

♪ Boom, boom, bumpy élan ♪

♪ Oh, sexy baby ♪

♪ Boom, boom, bumpy élan ♪

♪ I wonder what your name is? ♪

♪ Boom, boom, bumpy élan ♪

♪ I wonder what your game is? ♪

♪ Grande bouffe ♪

♪ Little girl, you look so lost ♪

♪ Like Mary had a little lamb ♪

♪ I'm the wolf ♪

♪ Lupa ♪

♪ I wanna play you like a deep C ♪

♪ Sexy lady ♪

♪ I wanna blow you to the moon ♪

♪ Oh, sexy baby ♪

♪ Gonna shake you up like ♪

- ♪ Kombucha ♪
- ♪ I wonder what your name is? ♪

- ♪ That life that you've been leadin' ♪
- ♪ I wonder what your game is? ♪

♪ It doesn't suit ya! ♪

(NOISY CHATTERING)

Hey, Didier, can I get a beer?

- You still going to get your tap done?
- STEVEN: Yeah.

Sorry, um, can I get another one of these?

STEVEN: Ozzy Osbourne says that my dog has massive diarrhea...

(BOTTLE CLINKS, SHATTERS)

Sorry, do you mind not throwing beer at me?

- Are you thick?
- Sorry.

- STEVEN: I smell like a hot back.
- Don't worry about him.

Don't be such an A-hole, Steven.

(SCOFFS) No, that is...

- Hey.
- Hi.

- I'm really glad you came.
- Me too.

I kind of knew you would.

Really? How?

I just got a, like, a fifth sense for these things.

But I was just passing.

EMMA: Yeah?

- No.
- (LAUGHS)

- Je m'appelle Emma.
- Sorry?

Je m'appelle Emma.

- I'm part French.
- Oh.

- Hey, baby.
- WOMAN: Hey, baby.

Come on, let's go dancing.

Yeah, yeah, I'll come in a minute, sweetie.

Um, I'm just talking to my sister.

- Sister?
- Yeah. Um... Sally.

Sally, yeah.

Yeah, I'm just gonna catch up with her, okay?

I'll see you in a bit.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

EMMA: Let's do slammers.

I'm actually feeling very depressed.

Why are you depressed?

Had my hair cut twice this week.

- How are you feeling?
- Yeah, depressed again.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(MUSIC SLOWS)

(SOFT, SLOW ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROBIN S.'S "SHOW ME LOVE" PLAYING)

♪ You got to show me love ♪

Your eyes... Your eyes are...

(ECHOING): ... look diamond-y. They're so diamond-y.

(CLATTERING)

♪ ♪

SALLY: Sorry. I'm sorry.

- I've got to go. I've got to go home.
- Why?

DAVID: Morning.

Morning, Mrs. Fiancée.

Good morning, Sal.

- Sal... Oh!
- (GASPS) What?

I was just saying good morning.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SLURPS)

You've got glitter on your face.

Hmm? Really?

It's in your hair.

Um, I was...

I was trying out some makeup... ideas for the wedding.

During the night?

- Yeah.
- DAVID: Oh.

Yeah, I couldn't sleep.
Just some ideas. Trying.

(SNIFFING)

Hmm... (GULPS)

Quite boozy.

Yeah.

I had a drink when I was doing my makeup ideas.

Is that okay?

- Yes.
- Good.

- 'Course it's okay, Sal.
- Thank you.

I do love you, David.

I love you, Sal. I love you so much.

You're my special, special girl.

I keep imagining you in Mum's dress.

(MOANING): Oh, gosh.

Oh, I'm getting quite a bump.

(SHUDDERING)

Oh, God, oh, yeah.

Can I rub yours?

(MOANING)

I can feel your bobble.

David, I don't feel very well.

I feel a bit sick. I think I might be sick.

Oh, Sal...

You could always...

you know.

Hmm.

Could you watch?

Do you mind if I don't?

(SIGHS)

Ooh. Ooh.

(DAVID MOANING)


Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh...

(PANTING)

Oh!

Oh! Ah!

Uh!

Oh!

(SIGHS)

Right. That's me.

Off to sunny Wolverhampton.

Hope you get some nice pics.

DAVID: Well, I'll be back in a few days.

- Don't mope about without me.
- I won't.

♪ I want to take your panties off ♪

♪ And take them home with me... ♪

What's that?

- SALLY: What?
- What's that?

SALLY: Dunno.

♪ And put them on my Christmas tree ♪

Thought you might need that.

Oh, God, thank you.

Do you need to lie down or... blood transfusion?

Congratulations, Sally.

- What?
- Your engagement.

ELEANOR: I saw it on David's Facebook.

Wow. Really?

Yeah, well it's... you know.

Exciting times. (CHUCKLES)

Must be nice, though.

- You meet someone early on

- and they're the right person.

I never really felt that with Lorraine.

- She's a right cow, Lorraine.

- ELEANOR: Footloose and fancy free.

- Yep.
- Like me.

Can we have less gassing and more working, please, gang?

- ELEANOR: Sorry.
- Okay.

(COIN CLATTERS)

(ROYAL BLOOD'S "LOOSE CHANGE" PLAYING)

♪ Loose change ♪

♪ Another penny in my pocket again ♪

♪ No shame ♪

♪ Another heart-shaped locket ♪

♪ Choke chain ♪

♪ With carats just to hock it again... ♪

Oh, hi.

SALLY: Hi.

Sorry, I just love dancing.

- I guess you know that from last night.
- Yeah.

You're so beautiful.

Thank you.

You too.

So, yeah, I've got this kind of really heavy situation.

- Oh, God. What is... ?
- I can't really talk about it.

- What is it? What is it?
- It's just...

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

- What is it?
- It's okay.

It's really heavy.

Super heavy.

The thrust of it is that my landlady is a complete bitch and she's throwing me out.

I just need somewhere to kind of, just sleep for one night, like,

I don't know if you've got, like, some garden space or a shed or something...

- Yeah, I mean...
- I don't want to be an impostor.

No, I mean, you know, we're friends, and, I...

- It's great we're friends.
- Friends.

I mean... last night was amazing.

- You're amazing.
- You're amazing, I...

I can't stop thinking about your mouth.

Um...

It's just, um...

The whole... girl and...

Well, women.

Lesbian.

Yeah, that... that thing.

I just, I don't know if it's me.

Really seemed like it was for you.

(SIGHS)

I could feel your pussy through your skirt.

Okay. Um...

It seemed like she liked it.

Okay. Um...

It's just, I'm with someone.

Are you in love with her?

It's a him.

I mean, he's away, actually.

Not that that matters. You see, there's a spare room.

Yeah.

Don't know why I said that.

♪ ♪

Oh.

Wait.

Oh, God. I...

I'm... I'm sorry, I've got to go to the loo.

♪ ♪

(MOANING SOFTLY)

(PANTING)

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

- I can't do this.
- Why?

- I've got to go home.
- Oh, no, please.

- I'm just feeling really weird.
- Please, you're so wet.

- Please.
- I'm engaged.

- Please.
- Please, can we just be friends?

I can't be friends with you.

So that's it, then?

That's it.

(RAIN PATTERING)

(SOFT, SLOW JAZZ PLAYING)

(DISTANT THUNDER RUMBLES)

(T'PAU'S "CHINA IN YOUR HAND" PLAYING)

♪ It was a theme she had on a scheme he had ♪

♪ Told in a foreign land ♪

♪ To take life on earth to the second birth ♪

♪ And the man was in command ♪

♪ It was a flight on the wings of a young girl's dreams ♪

♪ That flew too far away ♪

♪ Don't push too far ♪

♪ Your dreams are china in your hand ♪

♪ Don't wish too hard because ♪

♪ They may come true and you can't help them ♪

♪ You don't know what you might have ♪

♪ Set upon yourself ♪

♪ China in your hand ♪

♪ Come from greed never born of the seed ♪

♪ Took a life from a barren land ♪

♪ Eyes wide ♪

♪ Like a child in the form of man ♪

♪ A prophecy for a fantasy ♪

♪ The curse of a living mind ♪

♪ Don't push too far ♪

♪ Your dreams are china in your hand ♪

♪ Don't wish too hard because ♪

♪ They may come true and you can't help them ♪

♪ You don't know what you might have ♪

♪ Set upon yourself ♪

♪ China in your hand ♪

♪ Oh, your hand ♪

♪ Your hand ♪

♪ ♪

SALLY: I'm so sorry. I'm just... I'm so confused.

You're not breaking up?

I don't know.

Sally, we're getting married.

I got my hat this morning from Amazon.

I'm so sorry.

Do you still love me?

'Course I still love you.

I'm just not attracted to you anymore.

Since when?

Maybe the last...

seven years.

It's like, with you, I just felt like I had no libido.

But with this woman... it's like she understands my body.

You... you... you've done stuff?

Oh, just... bits and bobs.

(SOBBING)

(T'PAU'S "CHINA IN YOUR HAND" PLAYING)

♪ It was a theme she had on a scheme he had ♪

♪ Told in a foreign land ♪

♪ To take life on earth to the second birth ♪

♪ And the man was in command ♪

♪ A prophecy for a fantasy ♪

♪ The curse of a living mind ♪

(SOBBING)

(SNIFFS)

(WAILING)

♪ China in your hand ♪

(SNIFFS)

♪ Don't wish too hard ♪

♪ Because they may come true ♪

♪ And you can't help them ♪

♪ You don't know what you might have ♪

♪ Set upon yourself ♪

♪ China in your hand ♪