01x04 - Episode 4

- Boop, boop, boop.


- Okay.

I saw a side of Emma that I really don't like.

- Mm.

- Ow!


Did you just kick me?


What are you talking about?

- ALL: Cheers!

- ALAN: You're an actress?

Yeah, acting's my my biggie right now.

- ALAN: Mm.

- So, what are you working on?

- Um, a movie.

- We would love to be involved.

- Cool.

- So, you like Emma?


She seems really


- talented.

- Mm.


- ALAN: Molly, go back to bed.

You need to go to sleep, okay, sweetheart?

Man, she's really hyper.

Yeah, I gave her some crack.


ALAN: So what I wanna know is what kind of stuff do you and Sally get up to?

- If I got a part in your movie, - ALAN: Mm.

- I could like tell you so much more detail.

- Ooh.

- Threesome alert.

- EMMA: Yeah.

- Hi, there.

- Hey.



You look nice.


Going to do some poetry later, or ?


- NIGEL: Modern dance?

- I'm actually going to a funeral.

- Oh.

Really sorry.

- It's just David's dad, so

- Oh.

- I mean, not that you know, I'm sorry

- Yeah, yeah.


- Got to face them all, yeah.

- Yeah.


- And I heard the engagement's off.

- Yeah.

- You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- It's probably for the best, really.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Anyway, how are you?

- Good.

Really good.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Roquette's called it a day.

- SALLY: Has she?

- Yeah.

- Sorry.

'Cause she doesn't really like old people.

I'm sort of too close to death really, to, uh, get involved with.

So, you know, she needs someone more vibrant, I think.

- Mm.

- You know?

- Like her?

- Yeah.

She needs a vibrant partner.

- Mm.

- Yeah.


Yeah, so a bit of a Sorry.

It's a bit depressing, isn't it?

Maybe I should just come along to your funeral with you.

- Yeah, well, you're very welcome.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

It's gonna be fun, I think.


- Yeah.

- I better take this.

- Oh, it's Roquette.

- Maybe it's back on?


Hope not.


DAN: Yeah, no.

No, you know the one.

It's got little almond flakes on it.

I think it's got chai berries in it, and flax seeds and Swiss chard.

Actually, no, no.

Don't put Swiss chard in it.

Okay Hey Oh.

Oh, right.

- Hey.

- Hey.

How are you?

- Good.

- Good to see you.

- You made it.

- Yeah.

- Wow.


- Just about.

And I made you some cookies.

Aw, that's very kind.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Yeah, I made them this morning.

- Wow.

White chocolate.

- Yeah.

- My favorite.


And, um, I was wondering, um, if I could actually have a chat with, um, Marion,

- talk about the part.

- Yeah, no, Marion's, um she's had to, sort of, drop out of the movie.

- Yeah.


No one told you?

- What?

- No.

- Yeah, no, it's really unfortunate.

She's She's just sort of really hung up about being seen as a beautiful actress the whole time.

- Oh, God, I get that.

- You know, she wanted to start, kind of, focusing on more characterful roles.

And she started just getting really fixated on the nose.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- She's got this kind of little button nose - Sure.

le nez en bouton.

And she just wanted to sort of have a more characterful nose.

- So she went to go and see a surgeon.

- Oh, my God.

- He gave her a bigger nose.

- Right.

- It looked fine - What kind of nose?

It was like a hooknose.

It was like she wanted, like, a Depardieu nose.


His is more balloon.

His nose has gone balloon because of the wine,

- but before, it was kind of a big - She's got a hooknose now.

She's got a hooknose, but now, then she went back, and she got a bigger nose, and now it's like a crossbreed of a kind of hook and a balloon.

I mean, I considered doing a similar thing with my face when I was worried I wasn't getting enough roles, because maybe my face would be better if it was bigger.


What kind of face?

I don't know, like a moon face or Like a moon face.

I mean, there's not that many roles for moon-faced ladies, to be honest.


So, maybe I should stick with this?

Stick with that.

You're doing wonders with that already.

- Really?

- Yeah.

So where does this leave us, if Marion's not playing it, and we've got this to work with?

Lena Headey has stepped in.

It was an old friend of mine, and she's f*cking saved the day.

Lena's going to be amazing.

She's just she's the best.

- Why didn't you call me?

- Why?

I'm part French, you know that.

Yeah, it's a big name, it's a big movie.

You're going to be great.

The assistant baker's a really fun role.

What other parts are there in the movie?

The other part is Cranston's part.

Bryan Cranston.

Who's he playing?

He's playing the butcher next door.

It's now kind of this love affair between the butcher and the baker.

Come on.

Can't I be a star, Dan?

I'm going to make you a star, but I can't on this movie.

- Why?

- We're locked and loaded.

- Please?

- Come on.

I want to be a star.

Please make me a star.

Listen, I haven't forgotten about your little promise to me.

- Which one?

- What do you mean, which one?

You, me, and Sal.

Come on.

Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.



- How are we doing, ladies?

- Morning.

You all right?

- Yeah.

- Good, good, good.

- What's going on?

- Um, your daughter's coming in today?


That's the plan, acting debut.

- It's gonna be fun.

She's a sweetheart.

- Oh, sweet.

Bless her.

Uh, I should check, actually.

Uh, our lady, uh, she's SA, yeah?

Emma, yeah, yeah.

She's just background.

Rustic, ruddy, sort of, old hag in the bakery kind of thing.


Old hag.

I'll let Stella know.

- All right.

See you later.

- See you later.

NIGEL: There's a sort of art to it.

You know, you've got to move it up and down through the froth until you get a nice, rich, creamy head.

MICK: Nice.

She's proper saucy today, isn't she?

What, Eleanor?




I mean, not facially.

She's probably about a six, if she had heavy makeup and a wig on.

Man, if this engagement's off, you can't let those big, black knockers go to waste, can you?

Big What do you mean, big, black knockers?

Well, I mean, she's wearing a black top.

They're probably white underneath, but They might be black.

I don't know.

I haven't seen 'em.

- Right.

- Yet.


- Sorry.

Calm down, Nige.

Shot your load, already?

- EMMA: Thank you.

- There you go, Emma.

Stella's right at the end, there.

- The white coat?

- Yeah, the white coat.



I'm Emma de Florentier.

I'm playing Carlotta.


I've got, um The assistant baker?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm really close with Dan, the director, and we came up with the name this morning and backstory and dialogue and stuff, so

- It's Carlotta.


- Okay.

I'm just wondering, um, I ordered, um poached egg, bacon baguette, and an extra-hot cortado.

Yeah, okay, well, the ADs will get that.

Now We're looking at, uh rustic, aren't we?

Oh, no, no.

Dan actually said he wanted her quite glam, um, sort of sultry and urgent-looking.

Now, I would love to do you, because you've got fabulous cheekbones, wonderful, wonderful eyes, all of that.

But unfortunately, on this occasion, what we're looking for, and Dan's been really explicit about this, he just wants the rustic, ruddy, you know, old crone-y, that kind of thing - Right.

- for the assistant baker.


I don't think that's what he said to me.

I think he thinks I'm really sexy and kind of wants me quite sort of sultry, like I've just had a massive orgasm.



That's the ruddiness.

That's sort of flushed, isn't it?

Yeah, well, I mean, bakers do have orgasms, I'm sure, but I think on this occasion, it's something we don't need for the scene.

That's as far as I understand it.

STELLA: Lovely.

So it's a sort of rustic-y thing.

- Well, more glam, really.

- Yeah.




Hold that for me.

That's it, at the front.

That's it.

Sorry, have those been worn?

'Cause that smells really fishy.

- Are they yours, or - No, my sweet, they're not tights.

No, no, no.

This is a special fresh wig cap.


Sorry, I could just smell quite a strong, fishy You'd have to be very short, wouldn't you, for that to fit.

- And one-legged.

- It's box-fresh.


I don't know, maybe one of the facilities guys has been using it as a cock sock.

I'm slightly worried if that has been worn as a cock sock.

- That's it.

That's lovely.

- It's quite low.

Bring it up, bring it up, bring it up.

That's it.

- Ooh, that's it.

- Okay.

Um, I just wonder where my cortado is.

Uh, you'll need to ask Mark, the AD, about that.

Which one is Mark?

Is he the little brown guy with bad breath?

- This is Mark.

- Hi.



Okay to have a little chat?

- Sure.


- It's the whole Nigel thing.

What Nigel thing?

I know what you're trying to do.

- What do you mean?

- I can see you're trying to seduce him, and it's just it's really kind of unpleasant.

- Okay.


- And I know Nigel finds it uncomfortable in meetings.

- All those, sort of, Lady Di looks.

- Lady Di?

The coy, big googly-eye thing, and then you'll throw your head back like you're a sort of - a baboon in heat.

- What?

You might as well shove your big, red, fat bottom in his face.

I don't have a big, fat, red bottom.


I know you fancy him, and you want everyone to fancy you.

I mean go figure.

Sorry, so you want me to not look at Nigel.

I'm saying just because David's called the engagement off and your life isn't working, don't try and steal other people's happiness.

Right, and, uh David did not call it off.

- I called it off.


- Uh-huh.

And also, I've got a girlfriend.

So, thank you very much.

And go figure.


- Will that be blended?

- Yeah, it's gonna be blended.

- 'Cause that's quite - That's the starting position, and then we work from there.

But you'd be amazed with these new cameras, you know?

- Absolutely incredible.

- Really?

They just pick up everything.


The opposite, complete opposite.

Everything disappears, and you don't really get any sharp lines.

It all becomes very, very soft.

I'm just a bit worried.

I just, I wonder if we could have those big slug brows.

You know, the brows that girls have at the moment.

- The Instagram kind of slug?


- Mm.

Just to frame my eyes a bit.

I'd like them to pop a little bit.


Yeah, I can give you a monobrow, no problem at all.

I don't want a monobrow.

I want, sort of, like, framing.

Well, what we're looking at here is, a lovely receding eye rather than a popping eye, and more of a popping nose.

I don't know if want a popping nose.

Did Dan ask for a popping nose?

Yeah, Dan was talking about a drinker's popping nose.




SALLY: Sorry.

No womb, still I'm hot.

Um, I've gone through everything for the phase two Krebel meeting.

All the artwork is backed up on here.

I'm really sorry.

I've got to go, but I'll be back in time Well, is it burial or cremation?

- I think it's cremation.

- Great.

Soon as those curtains shut, make your excuses and go.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- STELLA: I think we're there.

- EMMA: I just think maybe some mascara would help.

Um, Stella, just to let you know, Lena's in.

- Mark?

- Yes?

Sorry, I was just wondering, would I be able to talk to Lena first?

Um, I just wanted to show her that when I'm with the baguette, 'cause I don't want to freak her out.

She might handling the baguette constantly through the scene, it might frighten her.

She'll be able to take you fine.

Um, I'll tell her that you're ready for her, yeah?


I'm ready for her, but if she prefers for me to come to her Okay.

No, she'll probably come in, but I'll see.

- STELLA: Whatever she wants, I'm happy.

- EMMA: Mark?


EMMA: Can you ?


I just wondered if I could maybe have a bit of lip gloss or something, just to sort of show I've just had a massive orgasm.

- STELLA: Hi, Dan.

- DAN: Hey, Stella.

- Where's Emma?

Have you seen her?

- Yes.

She's I've been having a few problems with her, to be honest with you.

- DAN: Oh, really?

- STELLA: Yes.



SALLY: I think Molly responded really well to her.

- Who?

- Emma.

She's really good with kids, very natural with them.

- Yeah.

- I guess 'cause she is one.


Hi, Mum.

(MUTTERING): I'm surprised you feel able to show your face.

Hello, Kate.

How are you?

How can you be like that?

Vicar Michael thinks that Satan has taken a foothold.


Well, luckily, I don't believe in Satan.

Well, he believes in you.

I can smell him on your breath.

I think that might be me, actually.

I've just had some Doritos.

He is more than happy to rearrange the exorcism if you're willing.

He's got the homosexuals down to 30 minutes.

- Mum, please - I'm happy to pay for it.

I mean it, Sally.

I'm more than happy to pay.

- I'm just going to go and say hello to David.

- Yes, I think you should.

What do you think about Sally?

You think it'll pass?

My neighbor said that her sister became one after a lengthy virus.

- A lesbian?

- Yes.

It's David I feel sorry for, because he's never going to meet anyone else now, is he?

- KATE: You don't think?

- No.

No chance.

- And then losing his dad that way must be - Oh.

We were surprised he was successful.

- Successful?

- With the hanging.

'Cause he's huge.

He was with us on boxing day.

- Was he?

- Mm-hmm.

Ate us out of house and home.

- Oh.

Bless him.

- He worked his way through all the cupboards.


Could hardly walk at the end.

Do you think he was a very sad man?

- No.

I think he was just hungry.

- Right.

Apparently, they've had to get him a special coffin, oval.

- Oh.


- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

(WHISPERING): She's always been religious, but she's gotten so extreme.

I just, I didn't know what to say.

Just one thing.

Um you know when you and Emma came 'round the other night.


I found all these sweet wrappers under Molly's pillow.

- 'Cause I don't give her sweets.

- So, why are you telling me?

'Cause it's I think Emma might have given them to her.

You think Emma gave her sweets?

Well, I can't think of any other explanation.

Look, I feel I feel like you don't want to like her.


It was just a really weird night.

I'm pretty sure Dan was coked up when he came to bed.

I mean, he was trying to wank in my face.

- What, are you going to tell me that's Emma's fault?

- No!

I'm sorry Kate, but you've basically been really weird with me ever since I met her.

I haven't.

I'm just worried about you.

Why are you worried about me?

Can you not see how massively happy I am?

I'm having the time of my life.

And I just feel like everyone wants me to stay trapped with David.

No, I just don't want you to throw everything away.

- Like having kids.

- I'm a f*cking lesbian now, okay?

- I'm sorry.

- I just can't be here anymore.

I'm going home.

- I'm sorry, Sal.

- DAVID: Sal.



- Hi, Deborah.

It's Sally.

I'm so sorry, I'm going to be a bit late for the Krebel presentation.

Okay, bye.


Ah, here you are.

Hey, Emma.

Oh, looking a bit different.

- Hi.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

- You want to wander over to set?

I wasn't doing anything.

Okay, can we get a bit more light on the flan, please?


Just glimmer it off.

God, that flan looks amazing.

Hey, Emma.

How are you?

- Good.

- You're good?

I'm okay, I mean, I didn't get any breakfast.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- They should sort you out.

- I know.

It's the little brown guy.

- Mark?

- Yeah.

I don't know.

Is he, like, a Muslim?

Mark's a pussycat.

I thought maybe he had a chip on his shoulder, like he's sort of an angry Muslim.

Anyway, 'cause it brings on my tachycardia.

- Oh.

- It's a heart thing.

I've got, like, a growth on my heart, like a second heart.


And you're going to be okay, though, for the take?

I should be fine if I can get something decent to eat,

- just from someone.

- Yeah, we'll sort you out.

You'll be fine.

- Not like a beast in the field.

- Right.

- Do you know what I mean?


Listen, we need to, um, get this done up at the top.

Have they done that yet?

God, no.

You know the ginger costume girl?

- Yeah.

- She just kept ripping it open and pressing my boobs.

- Laura?

- Is she gay?

- No, she's not gay.


- Really?

She could not get enough of them.

- We'll get that sorted.

Yeah, yeah.

- Thanks.

And, um you've got quite a lot of makeup on.

- Have I?

- Yeah.

Let's get you rustic.

Let's just take the makeup off.


- Hey, Sal.

How are you?

- Good.

- You good?

- Yeah.

- Good to see you.

- Hey.

Why are you here?


Um, could we have a word?

Well, I'm literally about to start filming a scene.

- I've got to do my actor's stretches.

- Sorry.

Just have a quick chat.

We've got a few issues with lights, so we'll be a while.

So just help yourself to coffee or anything.

Oh, yeah, could I get a cortado and a chocolate-chip brioche?

Um, don't know what they are.

So sorry.



- Emma.

- Sorry.

- I just really need to focus.

- I saw Kate today.

It's a really weird thing, but, um do you remember giving Molly sweets at all?

I'm sorry.

I literally don't understand the question.

Just, do you remember giving Molly sweets?

Did you give Molly sweets?

- Did I give Molly sweets?

Um, I don't know.

- Yeah.

I don't keep a diary of every minute of my day, so I know, it's just, Kate, she was really upset.

What, so, suddenly, there's sweet wrappers under a kid's pillow and I get the blame I didn't say they were under her pillow.


Oh, my God.

- It's so obvious what's going on here.

Thank you.

- What?


Well, she's jealous.

She's jealous of you and me.

She knows she's really boring and ugly.

Her husband's not in love with her.

She's got an insane, sugar-addicted child who doesn't love her and actually asked if I would be her mother.

- What?

- Yeah.

Em, I'm sorry, that's just you know, Kate would never do something like that.

And Dan loves her.

- Why are you saying things like that?

- I can't talk about her.

What do you Has he said something?

Yeah, I just don't wanna I just don't wanna shit-start.

It's not my thing.

- What?

- I don't wanna say on here with all these SAs listening.

- Tell me what he said!

- Me and Dan Barrow-Felfe have got really, really close.

And it's just, like, he's the British Scorsese, and I just want to work with him.

- Do my boobs look okay?

- Yes, they look fine.

Let's be honest.

He vibed me out ever since that day we first met in the shop.

Don't you remember how he was, like, just staring at me?

Yeah, I don't think going upstairs with him and talking so long really helped.

Oh, my God.

I went upstairs so that you guys could have some quality time together.


Look, I didn't tell you when I was there what happened.

It was horrible.

He basically shoved me into his office.

Showed me his desk, and it was just, like, piled with coke.

It was horrible, and I just thought you'd blame me if I told you.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

It was really frightening.

He put his hand around my neck, and he was just, like, slamming my head onto the table, and, like, trying to shovel all this coke up my nose using his fingers and his thumbs.

There was one point he had both his thumbs, up my nostrils.

- It was like being raped in the nose.

- God!

That's Dan?


He's quite scary.

I know he's small and he's thin, and he's really wiry and powerful, especially in his boots.

MARK: Emma, Emma.

- We just need you on set.

Thanks, love.

- Okay.


I'm so sorry.

Is Dan waiting?

- I'm sorry?

- Is Dan waiting for me?

Okay, we're gonna do a little stumble through on set here, so just a little bit of quiet, guys.

Thank you.


Sorry to interrupt the process.

Um, just wondered, um, at what point you want me to walk by.

So, um, you know where it says, "Assistant baker wipes the frame," just go when Lena says, "Wednesday.

" Wednesday, okay.

God, I'm so sorry, I thought it was Thursday.

This is bugging me.

We need to get this done up to the top, okay?

Oh, God, I know.

It's the costume girl.

She's not the ginger one, she's just not on it.

And I think, 'cause my boobs are so big, they just keep really forcing the top off.

And then the buttons just fly everywhere, and my nipples tend to shoot things off.

Okay, okay.

So can we get checks in, please?

- EMMA: Checks, please.

- MARK: Can we get checks in, please?

Thank you.

Thanks, Laura.

Can we just sort this out, 'cause the button keeps popping out.

- Yeah.

- I don't know if you're pulling off the buttons, or I mean, I'm not, though, so - I don't know.

- It's really strange.

- Well, something keeps happening 'cause

- Something's going on.

- It's not popped off, though, has it, so

- Yeah.

- What is it?

- I don't know, but that's enough manhandling of my boobs, thanks.

I, um - I think someone keeps undoing it.

- One way or another,

- it keeps popping out, and we can't have that.

- It does.

- Yeah, but it's very secure.

It's really secure.

- Okay?


- It's absolutely fine.

- Do you want to touch it, Dan?

That seems pretty good.

Um, she should be in a jacket.

- Okay, get her a jacket?

- Well, where's the jacket?

Can we get the jacket in, please, guys?

- Thank you.

- Sorry, guy, I - Can somebody walk the jacket in, please?

- I really need the jacket.

- Two minutes.

- I just do need the jacket.

Okay, is the jacket traveling?

Can I just check, is the jacket traveling?

- It's traveling.

- Okay, the jacket's traveling.

- Sorry.

- Are you all right?

Are there any other loos I could use, 'cause those are busy.

- Um, you know Dan, don't you?

- Yeah.



I'm sure he won't mind you using his.

It's just over there.

- Oh, great.

Thank you.

- He's on set at the moment.

- Thanks.

- No worries.




Okay, um Oh, sh1t!

Oh, my God.

I mean, actually, a lot of the movies I do come to me in dreams, you know?

- Wow.

- I'm just a f*cking dream-catcher.



They come, I catch 'em, I spin 'em into movies, you know.


You can tell when you watch your stuff it's sort of Yeah.

It's gonna be fun.

You know, I paint with my cameras, - and that's that's what I do, and I

- Yeah.

- For sh1ts and giggles.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, hey.

- Hi.

Uh, sorry.

- Emma is going to be your assistant baker.

- Carlotta.

- LENA: Okay.

- Built some character into it.

- And I've got the jacket.

It arrived.

- Ah, Cool.


Let's go for a take, guys.

Come on.

MAN: Quiet, please!

DAN: Okay, and action!

Adieu, Monsieur Li¨vre.

See you on Wednesday.

All my life I have been like a butterfly trapped in a jar.

Okay, cut.

Sorry, Lena, that was that was really great.

Um What's sorry.

What's going on with the baguette?

'Cause you're sort of rocking it up and down.

Oh, sorry.

I was just doing the traditional folk walk.

Okay, I've never heard of that.

EMMA: It's something they do in the Pyrenees.

DAN: Okay.

Don't make a big deal out of it, 'cause this is about Lena's character.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

So just more casual, really.

- Yeah, just keep it casual.

- That's a great note, Dan.

Thank you so much.

- So just hold it in a casual way.

- DAN: Yeah.

- EMMA: Throw it away.

- 'Cause it's kind of distracting.

Yeah, and it's - It doesn't look good.


All right.

- Got it.

I've got it.

But not like that 'cause that just looks like a massive dick.


- DAN: Yeah.

- DAN: Okay?


: Sorry, Dan.

- Right.

- Gosh.

- DAN: Okay guys, let's f*ck.

- EMMA: Thank you.

- DAN: Thanks, Lena.

- Thanks, Lena.




And - action!

- Au revoir, Monsieur Li¨vre.

See you on Wednesday.

All my life, I have been like a butterfly trapped in a jar.

Will anyone ever reach me?

To flee, to fly is my sweetest dream.

DAN: Okay.


Sorry, Lena.

Um What are you ?

Sorry, how is that more casual?

I was just bringing the sadness, like, echoing Lena's autism.

Okay, right.

Yeah, sure.


This is about Lena's character, okay?

She's gonna be doing that.

She's gonna be having the breakdown.

I just need you to pass the f*ck by.

- Okay.

- LENA: Really easy.

It is quite easy.

It's just a walk.

It's a really simple walk.

You just walk from that side of the frame to that one, okay, holding that baguette like you would normally hold a baguette.

Do you know what, I really feel the problem is that I don't have any lines.

I'm a trained actress.

It's like being crippled.


No, I don't want to hear you.

I don't want to hear your character.

Listen, if this is too much for you, we've got Big Margaret standing by.

She's really happy to do the part.

She's dressed, she's ready, so we can just step her in, if it's, if it's No, she's she's really quite a nasty piece of work.

Sorry, Lena.

Okay, let's do this.

And action!

Adieu, Monsieur Li¨vre.

See you on Wednesday.

All my life, I have been trapped like a butterfly in a jar.

I wonder if anyone will ever reach me.

To float, to fly, is my sweetest dream.

DAN: Cut!


Okay, sorry.

I'm sorry, we really don't have time for this, I'm afraid.


What's going on?

I mean, you're hobbling.

You look you're hobbling.

What's going on?

Sorry, I was just trying to boost the scene.

You're not boosting it.

You're ruining it.


Guys, this baguette is not working for me.

What's going on with this baguette?

She insisted that she have a plastic baguette 'cause she's allergic to the powder that you get on I didn't ask for a plastic baguette You specifically, specifically asked me for a plastic baguette, 'cause you said you were allergic to the I don't know, the powder.

I'm allergic to the powder.

My throat closes over, I would have gone into anaphylactic shock.

Now, I'm sorry, you've actually been really rude to me all day.

Excuse me?

Excuse me, absolutely no, I haven't.

You pretended you didn't know what a cortado was I don't know what a cortado is.

I mean, who doesn't know what a cortado is?

- Do you know what it is?

- DAN: Yeah, I do know what a cortado is.

- Okay?

- I'd still love a cortado.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is all bullshit, okay?

This is all bullshit.

Please, can we just get Big Margaret on set?

- Do you want her on set now?

- Okay?



We just really need to get this scene done, okay?

- I could work - DAN: We are way behind.

with the baguette if it had no powder on it.

I could work with a real baguette.

It's not the way I work, okay?

This is really, really shitty, shitty behavior.


You really, really f*cked up, yeah?

Like a seriously big, f*cked up c**t with sh1t pouring out of it.

This is a simple, cunting scene, okay?

This should not be such a f*cking clusterfuck of shitty, fat, stinking pricks!


(CRYING): Sorry, Dan.

I think Lena's just made everyone really nervous.

No, Lena is a f*cking dream!

Sorry, Dan.

Could I play Like, Bryan Cranston's not in today.

He's got a really bad hangover.

Could I ?


You're not f*cking getting Craston's f*cking butcher!





- This is bullshit!

- I'm sorry, Dan!

DAN: f*ck!

- EMMA: Dan!

- DAN: Bullshit!

EMMA: Sorry!

DAN: It's bullshit!


- Hello?



I'm now going to hand over to Nigel, who will do the presentation.



I usually do the presentation with a my, uh, partner, my colleague Sally, who's not here today 'cause she's at a funeral, so - Maybe something cropped up at the funeral.

- Well, I don't know what.

Unless he came back alive.

- Need a hand?

- No.






Here we go.

Now, looking towards future opportunities - NIGEL: sh1t!

What the ?

- Whoopsie!

Mr. Clumsy.

- So sorry.

- ELEANOR: Not to worry, Susanna.

Got some hard copies printed.


- Deborah.

- Thank you, Eleanor.

- Nigel.

- What did you do that for?

- What?

Please don't ever call 'round my house again, okay?

My wife is very, very upset.

Well, she'd be more upset if she knew about the threesome.

What f*cking threesome?


I've been waiting in good faith on that, because I didn't think you were such a sh1t actress.


But you seem really, really stressed.


Why don't we just, like, do a line, and I could blow you.

- Oh, God, no.

- Come on.

- What?

What, now?

- Yeah.

Come on, seriously, like a really deep blow.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God.

How deep?

Like right down my throat, you can touch my stomach.

- Oh, God.

You got you gotta swallow.

- Of course.

- Okay.

Can I sh1t on you?

- Oh, yes, please.

So I'm gonna come all down your throat, until you gag.


Then I'm gonna sh1t in your mouth, - and I'm gonna piss in your eyes.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Everything okay, sir?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just give us five minutes.

- That's five, guys.

- I want you to talk dirty to me, like abusive sh1t.


How abusive?

Like, f*cking dirty sh1t.



- DAN: Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm getting my cock out.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, my cock is out.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I'm pumping, I'm pumping my stinking, fat dick.

- I hate your prick.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- EMMA: Oh, yeah, yeah.

- DAN: Yeah, he is disgusting.



Oh, yeah!


Yeah, yeah, slap it.

- Slap it.

I want you to slap it.


Slap it hard, Punch it, punch it!

(MOANING): Oh, yeah!


I'm gonna bite your prick off.

I'm gonna bite it off.

Bite it off, bite it off, bite it off!

Bite off the end, bite off the end, bite off the end!

- It's your first little part, isn't it?

- Really?

In one of Daddy's films.

Aw, how fantastic is that?

It's just over here.

- Come on.


- EMMA: Oh, my God!

- It's coming!

- You're gonna come!

- Get down, get down.

- Okay.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, it's coming.

Oh, it's coming.



Oh, f*ck!

Oh, my God!

DAN: Oh, yeah, yeah!

It's coming!



- Jesus, f*ck!




I'm gonna come and sh1t!

DAN (MOANING): Oh, yeah!

- Oh, it's coming, oh!

- EMMA: Oh, my God!

Oh, Sal!



Wow, this is happening.


Oh, get involved.

I feel sick.

I feel really sick.

- EMMA: Take a sh1t.

- DAN: Oh, I'm gonna squirt, Sal.

Oh, it's a big one.

It's a big one.


- EMMA: Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

- (MOANING): Oh, coax it out, Sal.

- I don't want to What?


- EMMA: Hey, your anus!

It's flaring!

- (GRUNTING): It's a big one.


- Coax it out!



EMMA: It's a big one!




Dada done poo-poo.

DAN: Oh!







- Is there more?



You're up, you'll get down You're never running from this town Kind of think you said You'll never get Anything better than this 'Cause you're going 'round In a circle And everyone knows You're trouble 'Cause you read it in a big book It's been a while since I've had a real pen1s in my mouth.

- Aww.

- Is that weird, to say that?


No, it's fine.

I feel very, very unhappy with Emma.

I think I have to end it.

I want to have a baby.

I'm a baby maker, honey.

I'm wondering whether a hysterectomy might not sort you out.

Or I could whip out the ovaries and leave the old wombat where it is.

BELINDA: Unless you start making decisions, sunny, sunny, sunny, then you're gonna end up a lonely old maid, and I say that with the greatest love and the greatest respect.

Mm yeah.