01x02 - Let's do it


[Alice and her boss, Marc, are sitting in his office. Alice is trying to illustrate the lesbian love connection chart she was showing to Dana at the end of the last episode. She uses an electronic drawing pad to write it all out.]

Alice: They're random acts of s*x. K? They're encounters, romances, one-night stands, twenty-year marriages. Anytime...

Marc: Mm-hmm.

Alice: ... you get a group of gay girls together, you are guaranteed someone slept with someone else. Who has slept with someone else, who slept with someone else, and on and on.

[Alice writes something on the drawing pad and Marc's laptop screen suddenly begins to fill with names, all connected by lines. Shane is at the center.]

Marc: Mm-hmm.

Alice: Name any lesbian you know. I can link her to me in, like, six moves.

Marc: Christine Lee.

Alice: Christine Lee. Easy. Allright. Let me think about this.

[Alice leans over the drawing pad and starts to scribble.]

Alice: Okay. She was with Grace Partridge, couple years ago.

[She writes that down.]

Alice: Grace had a one-night thing with Anya...

[She draws a line from Grace to Anya, which appears on the laptop screen.]

Alice: ... then Anya dated Denise...

[She draws a line from Anya to Denise.]

Alice: ... who lived with Katherine Claymore...

[She draws a line from Denise to Katherine.]

Alice: ... who was my first girlfriend out of college.

[She draws a line from Katherine to her own name, which has several lines springing out of it.]

Alice: It's amazing, right?

[Marc purses his lips and raises his brows — not so amazing to him.]

Alice: Allright, Marc, it's not just about lesbians. It's - I could put you on this thing. And, probably, like, six connections, easy. I mean, one, if you slept with Anya.

Marc: So?

Alice: So? So the point is we're all connected! See? Through love, through loneliness, through one tiny, lamentable lapse in judgment.

[Marc furrows his brow a little.]

Marc: Hmm.

Alice: (dramatizing) All of us. In our isolation. We... reach out! From... the darkness! From the alienation of modern life. To form these connections.

Marc: (nods) Mm-hmm.

Alice: I think it's a really profound statement about the nature of human existence. (relenting) Allright. I — I could just do a piece on... vaginal rejuvenation.

Marc: Now that I like.

Alice: (nods) (to self) Great.

[main title credits.]


[Tina is returning from jogging. She jogs to a stop on the sidewalk.]

Tina: (catching breath) (to self) Yeah. Let's do it.


[Bette is in her robe, combing her hair, fresh from a shower. Tina comes in and walks up to Bette's side.]

Tina: Guess what.

Bette: Mmm? I'm all nice and clean, are you gonna get me sweaty and stinky?

Tina: Not now. But later for sure. When we do the insemination.

[Bette stops combing and turns to Tina.]

Tina: You and me. Tonight, here at home. Sexy in love, with no doctors...

[Tina kisses Bette.]

Tina: ... no fluorescent lights, no paper gowns... d'ya want to?

[They giggle at each other. Tina starts getting out of her jogging stuff to shower.]

Bette: (smiling) Oh, I want to, but last time I checked, you really needed sperm to make it worthwhile.

Tina: I'm going to the cryobank this afternoon.

Bette: For Marcus' sperm?

Tina: Yes. (turns to Bette) I don't know what I was thinking. I... there's no reason on earth that I wouldn't want to make a baby with you using a donor who's black.

[Bette walks over to Tina.]

Tina: I — I think — I think I was really —

Bette: Don't think.

[Bette kisses Tina.]

Bette: 'Cause I would love to make a baby with you. [kiss] Tonight. [kiss] In our home. [kiss]

[Bette takes Tina into the shower and closes the door.]

Bette: In our bed. [kiss] Just you and me. [kiss]


[Tim is getting his athletic gear together, about to leave. Jenny comes in.]

Jenny: Tim, can I — can I talk to you?

[Tim heads toward the door.]

Tim: Right now babe? Really gotta get going. The girls are already in the water. God, you should've seen Trish yesterday. She was on fire, and Mary... If I could just keep them right in that zone we're absolutely going to ream SC on Saturday.

Jenny: (smiling) Go team.

Tim: You bet your sweet ass.

[Tim leaves.]


[Shane is coming out of the breezeway of an apartment building. Just as she gets to the door, a girl comes bounding up behind her.]

Girl: Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on!

[Shane stops and turns around. The girl and Shane share a sexy kiss.]

Girl: So when am I gonna see you again?

Shane: Um, I'll — I'll be at Milk on Thursday.

Girl: Okay!

Shane: Mm?

Girl: I'll see you there.

[Shane smiles at her, and points to under the girl's eye.]

Shane: Go like that.

[The girl reaches up to her own eye and brushes away a stray eyelash or something.]

Shane: (smiling) You just had something.

Girl: Yeah? Thanks.

[Shane touches the girl's chin.]

Shane: (smiling) I'll see ya later.

Girl: Okay! Bye.

Shane: Bye, baby.

[Shane heads down the steps. The girl goes back inside.]

[Shane pulls out her cellphone and calls someone as she walks.]

[Nearby, Lacey watches, slumped down in the driver's seat of her car, a jealous and hurt look on her face. She has little statues of Mary and Jesus on her dashboard, and a rosary around her hand.]

Shane: (phone) Hey, what are you doing? Yeah, let's get together. Allright. See you soon.

[Shane gets into an old pickup truck. Lacey watches.]


[Dana is on the court, training with her coach. He's on the phone. She's on one foot, jumping backwards, as he walks.]

Coach: (phone) Yeah. Good. (to Dana) Higher, higher, higher, higher.

[Dana jumps a little higher.]

Coach: (phone) No, I'm uh, talking to Dana. Okay, how much time do I have? Okay, then I guess it's going to be, like, ten minutes, allright? Okay, I'll call you back. Allright. Bye. (ends call) (to Dana) Whoa.

[Dana stops and pants.]

Coach: Why don't we take a break, you get a light snack, and we come back, we work on those legs of yours. Allright?

Dana: (catching breath) Okay, what like... 45 minutes, what?

Coach: 45 minutes. Great. K?

Dana: (a little annoyed) 45 minutes, yeah...

[The Coach immediately walks off.]

Dana: Okay.


[Alice walks up to the building and reads the tenants placard. She presses the intercom button.]

Lady on Intercom: Reviva. Who is it?

Alice: Uhh... yeah, uh... Alice Peters, I have an appointment.

Lady on Intercom: I don't understand. What do you want?

Alice: (enunciating) I have an appointment.

Lady on Intercom: For what? What do you want?

Alice: Allright, I need to get my v*g1n* rejuvenated!

[Alice looks around quickly to see if anyone heard.]

Lady on Intercom: Well, why didn't you just say so?

[People walking by giggle and gawk at Alice. The door buzzer sounds. Embarrassed, Alice opens the door and heads in.]


[Alice enters the office and heads to the reception counter. She picks up a pamphlet and reads it. The receptionist is busy with something out of view.]

Alice: Um, hi, um, Alice Peters.

[Gabby, the receptionist, sees Alice.]

Gabby: Alice!

Alice: (startled) Gabby!

Gabby: (standing) Don't do it, Alice, I mean the recovery is supposed to be hell!

Alice: Um, can you tell the doctor I'm here.

[Alice turns to walk to a chair. Gabby stands up and leans over the desk.]

Gabby: (whispering) Alice!

Alice: (turns around) (whispering sharply) What?

Gabby: (whispering) I behaved badly and I'm sorry, I — I was an asshole, I know that. I freaked out. I was really intense, and —

[Alice looks as if she doesn't have time for this.]

Gabby: (whispering) I wasn't ready for it. But... I still have feelings for you. I mean, I think about you all the time.

[Alice looks immensely uncomfortable.]

Gabby: (whispering) You look great.

[Alice looks down at herself.]

Alice: (whispering sharply) Look, I am not doing this again, Gabby!

Gabby: (whispering) Please!

Alice: (whispering) No!

Gabby: (whispering) Let me try again, I mean, can't we just... have lunch?

Alice: (whispering) No!

Gabby: (whispering) Just lunch.

Alice: (whispering) I don't — okay.

Gabby: (whispering) Just lunch. I'll prove to you how much I've changed. (smiles) Say yes, Alice.

[Alice looks at her, obviously torn.]

Gabby: (whispering) Just say yes.

[The phone rings. Gabby sits down to answer it.]

Gabby: (phone) Hello, Reviva.

[Alice grabs her purse and goes to sit down.]

Gabby: (phone) Let me check the books.

[Alice walks up to a couch, where a girl sits on a round cushion.]

Gabby: (phone) Um, okay, what about Tuesday the 23rd, around 3? 3 o'clock? He's got a whole hour there.

[The girl gets up to move for Alice and then she gingerly sits on the cushion again. Alice grabs a magazine and sits down.]

Gabby: (phone) Oh, okay, um, I'm afraid they're not until two weeks later, actually.

[After a moment, Alice glances up at Gabby, smiling.]

Gabby: (phone) On the Thursday at 10:00 AM. Would that be good for you? Great, great. I'll put you in.


[Dana is sitting at a table, eating celery sticks and carrots. The waiter comes over and sets down a plate of lush vegetables and dips. Piano music plays in the background.]

Dana: I didn't order that.

Waiter: I know. They're from her. (points)

[Dana looks over to where he's pointing, which is the kitchen. Lara Perkins, sous-chef, smiles at her. Dana looks up at the waiter.]

Waiter: Lara Perkins, our sous-chef.

Dana: Soup chef?

Waiter: (chuckles) Yeah. Right.

[The waiter walks off. Dana looks over at Lara, then back at her plate, then back at Lara. Lara looks up, and Dana immediately turns around. With a self-satisfied grin, she digs in.]


[Jenny stands by the answering machine. Marina's voice is heard.]

Marina: (machine) Hi Jenny. It's Marina. I was thinking about you.

[The machine beeps. Jenny walks away.]


[Jenny is typing at her desk.]

Jenny: (voice over) "It washed up on the beach, a swollen, tangled mass in seaweed. A jogger stepped, hovered, poked at it with her toe. Sarah Schuster's body flopped back, her still-limpid eyes staring up at the sky."


[Dark, haunting, Eastern music plays as we pan down from the sun in the sky, to a beach. On the beach lays the body of a young woman.]


[Jenny continues to type as the music continues.]


[The place is busy. Shane walks in. Music plays in the background.]

[Lacey quickly walks up to Shane and starts to angrily flash a camera in her face.]

Lacey: You are so over and a day!

Shane: (ducking) Lacey, stop.

Lacey: Busted, bitch!

[Shane tries to keep Lacey at bay but Lacey continues to blow the flashbulb in her eyes. Shane continues to push the camera away, but she doesn't raise her voice.]

Shane: Please, Lacey, stop.

Lacey: You can just kiss your little 4-F's goodbye!

Shane: Lacey, stop.

Marina: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Marina forcefully separates Lacey from Shane. Shane moves away quickly. Dana and Alice gawk at Lacey.]

Marina: What are you talking about?

Lacey: The 4-F's! She finds 'em, feels 'em, f*cks 'em and forgets 'em! But I'm gonna tell the whole world who you are!

[Lacey snaps more pictures. Shane's losing her temper. Marina forcefully drags Lacey outside.]


Lacey: (to Marina) You are so f*cked for kicking me out!

Marina: (pointing at Lacey) Calm down, figure it out somewhere else! And keep it away from my friends and my business!

Lacey: (yelling) You'll see, Shane!

[Lacey storms off. Marina tosses up a hand at her and turns to go back inside.]

[Just then, Jenny pulls up in Tim's car. Marina waves at her, but Jenny only looks at her before she drives off. Marina throws up her arms and heads back inside.]


[Marina walks back inside and leans over the counter.]

Marina: (to someone behind counter) Ritorno più tardi. (I'll return later.)

[Marina walks off.]

[Shane and Alice sit next to each other on a couch. Dana sits across from them in a chair. Alice flips through a copy of Girlfriends magazine. Dana and Shane look at each other.]

Alice: Allright, what's up with Jenny and Marina.

Shane: (shrugs) Nothing, as far as I know.

Dana: What, what's going on with Jenny and Marina?

Shane: Look, guys, it's none of our business, just let it go.

[Alice raises a brow at Dana.]

Dana: I thought Jenny was straight.

Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.

Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.

Dana: How can you tell?

Alice: You read the signals.

Dana: That's my problem.

Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Allright.

[Dana rolls her eyes.]

Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.

Dana: No, no, no. That — is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.

[The realization hits Alice.]

Alice: You don't have gaydar.

Dana: No.

Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!

Shane: No, everyone's got it...

Alice: No.

Shane: ... you just have to tune in.

[Dana is shaking her head.]

Shane: Yes.

Alice: I'm gonna prove it. See that girl who just came in?

Dana: Okay. (turns around)

[A girl stands at the counter, facing away from the group. Dana looks at her.]

Alice: What is she?

Dana: A customer?

[Shane shakes her head.]

Dana: (frustrated) I don't know!

Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails, are they long or short?

Alice: Are they polished or natural?

[Dana turns to look.]

Dana: They're long and polished. (looks at Alice) Sooo, she's —

Shane: Leaning to straight, but we still need more info.

[Dana sighs.]

Alice: Look at the shoes.

Dana: (looking) High-heeled sandals.

Alice: With tapered jeans.

[Dana looks at Alice, a little flummoxed.]

Alice: Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?

[Dana still looks confused. She looks to Shane, then back at Alice.]

Dana: Yes?

Alice: No.

[Dana throws up her hands.]

Dana: Oh god! Look, I've only ever seen her in her chef's uniform.

Shane: Dana, I doubt that woman's a chef.

Alice: (to Shane) (chuckling) No, no, no. She's got a thing for a chef.

Dana: (smiling) I do.

Shane: Dana, I'm impressed, you're into someone and you want to know whether or not they're down.

Dana: She's down?

Alice: Whether she plays for our team. The gay team.

Dana: (snarky) Wait... don't the bisexuals have their own team?

[Alice and Shane chuckle.]

Alice: Allright. I'm gonna help you, even though you're extremely annoying. Do you know the name of this girl, first and last?

Dana: (chuckling) Yes, I do.

Alice: Allright. You know the chart?

Dana: Yeah...

Alice: Okay. I put it on the internet —

Shane/Dana: You what?

Alice: Allright, don't freak. It's really cool. This thing is growing. People are adding names. And it's, like, growing exponentially.

Shane: That's great, Alice, I love the sound of that.


[Jenny is still at her desk, writing.]

Jenny: (voice over) "The cold, clammy wind blew. Sara's coffin was lowered into the ruddy, damp earth."


[Dark, haunting, Eastern music plays as a somber scene unfolds by a graveside. Several people stand near in black suits. A man and woman in the back clasp hands. They look at each other.]

[The woman unzips the man's fly and slips her hand inside. The man slides his hand up her arm. The camera pans up to reveal that it's actually Marina and Jenny. They kiss passionately. After a moment, Marina pulls away.]

Marina: I was thinking about you.

[Jenny looks into the distance as a crow caws nearby.]


[Jenny runs to the answering machine and presses the play button.]

Marina: (machine) Hi Jenny. It's Marina. I was thinking about you.

[She runs the tape back.]

Marina: (machine) I was thinking about you.

[Jenny smiles a little. She puts her fingers over her lips.]

[The machine beeps.]

Machine: End of final message. Press erase again to erase all messages.

[Jenny hesitates, her finger over the erase button. She presses it. The machine beeps.]

Machine: No messages.

[Jenny puts her hand on her mouth and stares the machine.]


[Scenes of pretty, suburban houses.]


[Bette and Tina are preparing for the big night. They smile at each other. Bette pours wine. Romantic music — Wild Strawberries' "Blunt" — plays in the background.]

Bette: To us.

[Tina removes the lid off the cryobank storage canister and pulls out a small vial of Marcus Allenwood's sperm.]

Bette: To our future.

[They toast each other and sip the wine.]

Tina: (looking at vial) To Marcus Allenwood's unbelievably high sperm count.

[Bette and Tina chuckle.]

Bette: It's fascinating.

Tina: (looking at vial) It's very clear pink. Sean's was kind of greenish.

Bette: More viscous.

[Tina groans a little.]

Bette: No, don't be grossed out.

[Bette takes the vial and sets it down on the counter in front of them.]

Bette: We have to honor it.

[Bette, smiling, folds hands in prayer and bows at the vial.]

Bette: (to the vial) (smiling) We honor you.

[Tina puts her wine down and follows suit, folding her hands and bowing at the vial.]

Tina: (to the vial) We honor you.

[Bette laughs.]

Tina: (bowing) All 75 million of you.

[They both laugh, then take a deep breath and sigh. It's time.]

Bette: Do we have everything we need... Let's see...

Tina: Yeah. (points to something)

Bette: Okay.

[Bette opens an insemination kit. From it, Tina pulls out a syringe (catheter) and a diaphragm and looks them over.]

Tina: Syringe. Diaphragm.

Bette: (picking up vial) Magical juice.

Tina: Magic juice.

[Bette kisses Tina. They walk into the bedroom.]


[Music continues. Tina sits on the bed. Bette kisses her. They lay down.]

[Moments later.]

Bette: (whispering) Let's do it.

Tina: Yeah, let's do it.

[Bette reaches for the syringe.]

[Closeup cutscenes of Bette taking the lid off the vial, inserting the syringe, the sperm flowing up the catheter, Bette pressing the syringe plunger, and the sperm flowing out of the catheter. Closeup of Bette's eye as the lights go down.]


[Alice is showing Shane and Dana the brand new, 3-D love connection chart on her computer. The new chart is not unlike a huge star map showing hundreds of constellations across the galaxy. Dozens of lines and names are shown. Shane taps her own name, in the center of the screen; it lights up, as do several names connected to it.]

Shane: Look at that, I'm the center of the universe.

Alice: You're a major hub. I mean, there's one other girl — Mary O'Reilly who dated this lesbian p0rn star.

[Alice scrolls over to that section of the chart.]

Shane: Yeah?

Alice: She has a crazier matrix than you.

Shane: (pointing) Oh, there's a, um — there's a dotted line —

Alice: (typing) Oh.

Shane: There's a dotted line, no...

Alice: (typing) No, no.

Shane: ... between you and Gabby Devaux.

[Shane and Dana both point out the dotted line linking Alice and Gabby. Alice hits a few keys on the keyboard.]

Dana: Yeah, it's right there.

[The dotted line suddenly disappears.]

Alice: No. There isn't.

[Shane looks at Alice.]

Alice: I ran into her the other day. Okay? I was doing research on my vaginal rejuvenation story, she was a Reviva receptionist...

Shane: Mm-hmm?

Alice: (amused) I mean, she thought I was there for the surgery. And she was like, "But Alice, your pussy's tight." Y'know? Like, "Why're you here?"

[Nobody else is amused. Alice goes back to the chart.]

Alice: She looked good. It's funny.

Dana: Didn't she treat you like sh1t, Al?

Shane: Worse than that. Al, I swear I will kill you if you get back together with her.

Alice: Okay. Shane, I'm not going to get back together with her. K? It's not gonna happen. Allright?

Shane: No. I'm serious.

Alice: (to Dana) Allright. What's the name of your little cook?

Dana: (blushing) Uh, Lara Perkins. L-A-R-A. Perkins.

Alice: (back to chart) Okay.

Dana: She's, uh... she's the soup chef. (chuckles)

Alice: A sous-chef?

Dana: Hmm?

Alice: Like an assistant chef?

Dana: (doesn't get it) Oh, yeah.

Alice: Sous-chef.

Dana: Yeah, yeah, that's totally what she is. Yeah.

Shane: Sous-chef.

Alice: (typing) Okay. Well, I might as well start with Shane.

Shane: Why must you do that?

Alice: Chances are, if she's into girls, y'know?

[The computer begins to search for Lara's name.]

Shane: Wh — it — Dane? It totally wouldn't have meant anything.

Dana: Oh, that's comforting, thanks.

Alice: She's not on it.

Dana: What does that mean?

Alice: I did a — I did a whole search. Well, it means she didn't sleep with Shane...

Shane: See?

Alice: ... which is good, but she didn't sleep with anyone.

[Alice closes the laptop.]


[Post-insemination bliss. Tina is on the bed, propped up on pillows, legs in the air. Bette is next to the bed.]

Tina: How long do I have to stay this way?

Bette: (holding diaphragm) Do you want to try putting the diaphragm in again?

[Bette picks something off of the diaphragm.]

Bette: Ooh. God, that's disgusting. I've really got to tell Sonya to clean under there.

[Someone rings the doorbell. Persistently. And knocks.]

Tina: Did we forget something?

Bette: Noo....


[Shane is banging on the front door. Alice stands to the other side. Dana paces slowly back and forth.]

[Bette opens the door.]

Shane: Hi, were you sleeping?

Bette: Not exactly.

Alice: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.

Bette: So the logical conclusion was just to come over?

Alice: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff.

Bette: Uh-huh.

[Alice breezes past Bette and goes inside. Shane follows.]

Shane: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice.

Dana: (feeling pitiful) I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.

Bette: (smiling) It's okay Dana. We were finished.

[Bette reaches for Dana and pulls her inside.]

Dana: Oh, my god...


[Bette leads the gang back to the bedroom.]

Alice: (offscreen) Where is she?

[Bette enters the bedroom, everyone else following.]

Alice: Oh, hey!

Tina: Hey.

[Alice picks up the syringe/catheter that contained Marcus Allenwood's sperm.]

Alice: What is this?

[She depresses the plunger.]

Tina: Marcus Allenwood.

[Marcus Allenwood's sperm shoots out of the syringe and into Dana's hair. Dana freaks.]

Dana: Oh, god! sh1t!

Alice: Okay! Okay! Allright!

[Alice grabs a towel and helps Dana wipe it off. Everyone laughs. Bette sits down next to Tina.]

Alice: That is disgusting.

Dana: Oh my god, get it off, get it off!

Alice: Okay! You're not going to get pregnant through your sweater!

Dana: Thanks, I know. Allright, I got it. I'll get it.

[Alice lets Dana handle it from there.]

Shane: Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception.

Bette: (smiling) You could. Yes.

Shane: Well then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave?

Bette: (smiling) That would be too late.

Tina: Yeah, why don't you guys just tell us about the emergency?

[Alice sits on the bed next to Tina. Shane sits by the window.]

Shane: The emergency is Miss Dana is hot for this lil nugget at her country club.

Alice: Lara Perkins. Looked her up on the chart, not on it.

Dana: I just wanna know if she's —

Tina: If she's gay?

Bette: Have you looked at her fingernails?

Alice: Not gonna work. She's a chef.

Tina: What kind of dresser is she?

Dana: Well, she wears this cute little white uniform. Sometimes she wears a stripey apron.

[Everyone chuckles.]

Bette: But, what about, um, personal interaction. I mean, is she flirtatious, does she make a lot of eye contact?

Tina: Does she touch your hand when she's talking to you?

Dana: Um... well, I haven't really talked to her up close yet.

Alice: What, do you guys shout across the room?

Dana: No.

[Bette and Tina giggle. Shane smiles.]

Dana: Look, I just wanna know... I just, before I talk to her, and — and make an ass of myself, I just — I just wanna know whether or not she's —

Bette: Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana: Well, she sends me food.

Bette: Mm-hmm.

Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

[Bette smiles.]

Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own or — or did you order them?

Dana: No, she just sends them.

Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana: No.

Shane: (seriously) Ask her out.

c Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana: (nodding) Exactly.

Alice: Please don't encourage her.

Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice: (gasps) You mean?

Bette: I mean.

Dana: (laughs) What?

Bette: (smiling) We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.


[The computer screen shows the now infamous chart. The names begin to blink as new lines suddenly begin to form all on their own.]


[Dana is at her locker, finishing getting changed. Her agent comes in.]

Agent: Hey!

Dana: (startled) What are you doing in here?

Agent: Well. There's nothing in here I haven't seen before, believe me. Oh, where's the shorts?

[Dana looks down at herself.]

Agent: The ones you wore yesterday.

Dana: They're in the wash. Why?

Agent: They make your ass look better.

[Dana chuckles and gets something out of her locker.]

Agent: Not to worry. Subaru's interested in more than a good ass.

Dana: Subaru?

Agent: Yeah. The campaign. There's gonna be a rep in the stands tomorrow watching you train.

Dana: Oh my god. (jumping up and down) Oh my god, oh my god!

[He laughs and they hug. He feels the muscles in her upper arm.]

Agent: Oh, Jesus. Honey...

Dana: What?

Agent: ... can you pump up a little before you hit the court...

Dana: Yeah, hah, hah.

Agent: ... allright? I want to see veins popping.

Dana: Okay!

Agent: Who busts his balls for you?

Dana: (pointing at him) You do!

[They smack fists.]

Agent: That's right. Grr!

Dana: Right!

Agent: Wear the shorts.

Dana: I'll wear the shorts!

[The manager leaves. Dana sits on the bench.]

Dana: (laughing) Oh my god.

[Dana lays across the bench and sighs. Lara comes in and goes to her locker to change.]

Lara: Hey! You okay?

[Dana sits up suddenly. She turns around to see Lara, but sees that Lara is changing, so turns back around.]

Dana: Uh... I'm fine! (chuckling) I'm fine. That was my agent. He, uh, he just told me Subaru might want to use me for an ad campaign. So, uh, they're gonna watch me train tomorrow.

[Dana sneaks a peek back at Lara, who is in a t-shirt, but quickly turns back around. Dana is jittery and excited.]

Dana: Which is so cool.

[Dana rolls her eyes at herself.]

Lara: Yeah! That's... that's so exciting!

Dana: Yeah, yeah it is. It is, kinda. I mean, you know, I can't mess up. So.

[Dana closes her eyes and breathes in slowly. Lara puts on a fresh jacket.]

Lara: I'm sure you won't. Um. You can turn around, now. My jacket's back on.

[Dana giggles.]

Lara: My job is so messy. I have to change, like, three times a day.

Dana: Yeah? You always look nice when I see you.

[Lara looks at Dana.]

Dana: I mean... I mean, you never look dirty.

[Dana chuckles uneasily. Lara smiles.]

Dana: When I see you.

[Dana turns around and makes a face as if she's about to explode.]

Dana: (standing) I gotta go. I — I have to — I have to go.

Lara: Listen, why don't you come by later? I'll send something down for you.

Dana: (excited) Okay. Yeah!

Lara: Great.

Dana: Thank you.

Lara: Bye.

Dana: Bye.

[Dana walks off, then returns and picks up her duffle bag.]

Dana: (snaps) Bag. (grins) Bye.

Lara: Bye.


[Alice is sitting alone. She checks her watch. Shane, Bette and Tina walk up.]

Shane: Hey, Al. How'd it go?

[Alice stands up, saying nothing.]

Shane: You're not serious. Maybe it's for the best.

Bette: What is?

Shane: Well, Gabby Devaux stood Alice up.

Alice: Yeah.

Bette: Nevermind. Let's go help Dana out, then we can work out your situation.

[The group start to leave when Gabby arrives.]

Gabby: Alice? I am so sorry I'm late.

Alice: Yeah. Yeah, you really are.

Gabby: Working on my screenplay, lost track of time. You're a writer, you know how it is.

Alice: Yeah.

Gabby: Can you forgive me?

Alice: Yeah, um... my friends are waiting. I should probably go.

Gabby: Do you have to do everything your friends want you to do?

Bette: Alice? We really gotta go.

Alice: (to Bette) Okay.

Gabby: Oh, yeah. You do.

Bette: C'mon, Alice. We've gotta go.

Alice: (to Bette) Okay.

[Alice turns to go, but looks back at Gabby.]

Alice: (mouthing the words) (to Gabby) Call me.

Tina: Allright, guys.

Bette: Let's do it!

[Everyone leaves.]


[The girls make their way up to the country club in Alice's car.]


[Alice parks the car and the girls get out and head inside.]


[The girls walk in and set up. Bette and Tina sit together; Alice takes a table in another area. Bette takes off her sunglasses and opens her cell phone. Alice opens up a notepad. Tina walks in, followed closely by Shane, both of them wearing sunglasses.]

Tina: (whispering to Dana) Pretend you don't know us!

[Dana tries to look nonchalant.]

Shane: (smiling) Dana. May I sit with you? (sits) So which one is she?

[Dana discreetly points. Shane turns to see Lara in the kitchen, in her chef's uniform.]

Shane: Wow. Very nice, Dana.

[Dana gives Shane a look.]

Shane: No! I'm here for you. I'm here for you.

[Shane flips open her cell phone. Alice puts her earbud in her ear and reads the display on her phone. She looks up at Lara, who is busy in the kitchen and hasn't noticed them.]

[Bette flips open her cell phone and puts it to her ear. Alice talks discreetly into the phone mic.]

Alice: (phone) It's the redhead.

Bette: (to Tina) It's the cute redhead.

[Tina nods.]

[Alice looks at Lara and busily takes notes. A shot of Lara's shoes.]

Alice: (phone) Kitchen shoes. Neutral.

Tina: (whispering) Look at the earrings.

[Lara continues working.]

Bette: Hoops. Hard to read.

[Lara glances up toward Bette and Tina.]

Tina: (to Bette) Oh, quick! Kiss me!

[Bette and Tina grab each other and kiss feverishly for several moments. Shane grins. Dana's eye bulge.]

Dana: (through clenched teeth) God, what are they doing!

[Lara seems to notice, but looks back down at what she's doing. Alice notes Lara's reaction. The people at the table behind Bette and Tina are in various stages of freaking out. Dana puts her hand to her face and sighs.]

[Shane flips open her phone and puts it to her ear.]

Alice: (phone) Abort.

Shane: (closing phone) (to Dana) Allright. I'll be back.

[Bette, Tina, Alice and Shane all head for the bathroom. Dana watches them go, then sighs.]


[Bette, Tina, Alice and Shane head into the bathroom and stand in a group by the sinks. Alice reads from the notes she made. Classical music plays in the background.]

Alice: Allright. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she moves that chopping knife.

Shane: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice: Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina: Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.

Alice: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.

Bette: You know what we have to do.

[Tina, Bette and Alice all slowly turn to face Shane. Shane gives them a wary look.]


[Shane walks up to the kitchen window and clears her throat. Lara is sharpening knives a couple of feet away.]

Shane: Hi.

Lara: (leaning over to see Shane) I'm sorry?

Shane: I was just wondering if you had those, uh... y'know, those — those... (gesturing) sweet little figs.

Lara: Oh, I know what you mean, I love figs. Um, unfortunately they're out of season right now.

Shane: (puppy dog eyes) Oh, they are? Well, then, uh...

[Lara glances over toward Dana, Bette and Tina, who are all watching Shane. ]

Shane: (smoothly) I don't know, I was wondering if you just, I don't know, if you could recommend something else. I just kinda have that...

[Dana glares at Bette and Tina.]

Shane: ... have that craving.

Lara: Um... well, sometimes we have these champagne truffles for dessert, but, not today.

[Shane stares at Lara seductively, but Lara does not seem to be taking the bait.]

Shane: Hm.

Lara: Um. (smiles) That's what all that comes to mind.

[Alice watches the exchange.]

Shane: (smiling) And that's it?

Lara: (nods) Yeah, that's it.

Shane: (nods) Allright. Thank you.

[Shane heads back to Dana's table.]


[The girls head back out to their car.]

Bette: I'm sorry, Dana. It doesn't look good for Miss Lara Perkins.

Tina: Maybe she's a different kind of lesbian.

Alice: (chuckles) Yeah, the straight kind.

Tina: Yeah, but, the Shane test pretty much works on every woman.

Dana: You didn't get anything from her?

Shane: I got nothin'.

[Bette puts her arm around Dana.]

Bette: Oh, honey, there are a lot of other fish in the sea.

Alice: Gay fish.

[As they're about to cross into the parking lot, Lacey drives past them. She points menacingly at Shane and drives off.]

Alice: Oh, my god.

Bette: Who is that?

Shane: sh1t. (to Alice) Look, will you get me to your car, please?

[Alice and Shane walk ahead to Alice's car.]


[A worker sets a sign out front of the cafe that reads "The Planet - Open"]


[Alice, Bette and Tina sit at a table. Alice pours herself a cup of coffee. Bette and Tina sip on drinks.]

Alice: I don't know, you guys, you're really cutting edge, now. Lesbian moms. Biracial child.

Bette: We are pretty in, Alice.

Alice: Well, you're going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education. It's gonna be, like, diversity poster child.

[Bette and Tina look at each other. Shane sits down at the table.]

Bette: Hey.

Shane: Hi. Isn't that your neighbor?

[Everyone looks over toward the cash register, at Tim. He smiles and waves as they do.]

Alice: (smiling) You guys think he knows?

Bette: Knows what?

Alice: That his girlfriend's making the team with Marina.

[Bette and Tina laugh. Shane doesn't.]

Bette: That is ridiculous.

Alice: Okay. Allright. I only repeat what I hear. So.

Bette: Did Marina tell you?

Shane: Marina didn't tell her a thing.

Alice: (to Shane) It's what Marina didn't tell me, y'know?

[Tina shakes her head.]

Bette: Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else?

Alice: (whispering) Because they are.

Bette: No, that's just your little fantasy. Here is a truly radical idea for you to contemplate: Monogamy isn't just hypothetical. Some people actually do practice it.

Alice: Mm-hmm.

[Bette rubs Tina's back. Alice watches the display.]

Alice: Oh. (nods) Right.


[Tim waits to pay for his stuff. Marina comes up and dismisses the cashier.]

Marina: (to cashier) Oh, I'll take care of it. Don't worry.

[Tim steps up to the counter and gives Marina money. She gives it back.]

Marina: It's on the house.

Tim: Hey, thank you. How are you?

Marina: (smiling) I'm good, and you?

[Tim nods.]

Marina: Where have you been? I haven't seen you and Jenny in a long time.

[Tim pours himself some coffee.]

Tim: Yeah. I've actually been buried. We have the biggest competition of the year in two weeks. She's just been writing. She hasn't been in at all, huh?

[Marina looks up.]

Marina: Oh, no, not when I was around, no.

Tim: You know what? We're having a dinner party tonight, it was just kind of thrown together at the last minute. You should come.

Marina: (smiling) Well, that's sweet but I have, um, some things to do —

Tim: Seriously. It'll be fun. I mean, you're even going to know people there. Bette and Tina... Jenny would love to have you. Eight o'clock at our house. You can bring anyone you want.

Marina: (smiling) I see what Jenny sees in you.

[Tim blushes a little.]

Tim: (clears throat) Um... (grabs coffee) Thanks. (pauses) Come.

[Tim leaves.]

Marina: Bye.

Tim: Bye.


[Dana is training, playing tennis. She puts on an impressive show for the visiting Subaru representatives, who sit with her agent in the stands.]


[Bette, Tina and Marina walk up the steps. Tina has a bottle of wine and Marina has flowers. Bette knocks.]

Tim: (opens door) Wow. Three beautiful women all at once? Please, come in.

[The ladies enter. Each one kisses Tim on the cheek.]

Bette: (kisses Tim) Hey.

Tim: Hi. You look great. Thank you.

Tina: (kisses Tim) Here.

[Tina gives him the wine.]

Tim: Thank you, so much.


[Marina and Tim kiss on both cheeks; she gives him the flowers. His other guests, Randy and Carol, stand just inside the doorway. Tim introduces everyone. Soft music plays in the background.]

Tim: Randy Jackson, Carol Gargione. These are our nextdoor neighbors, this is Bette Porter...

Bette: (shakes Carol's hand) Hello. Nice to meet you.

Carol: Hi.

Tim: ... Tina Kennard...

Tina: (shakes Randy's hand) Nice to meet you.

Tim: (pointing) And this is Marina...

[Bette shakes Randy's hand.]

Marina: Ferrer.

Tim: Which is exactly why I let her introduce herself.

[Everyone chuckles.]

Tim: Now, I got chili in the kitchen.

[Marina looks around a bit anxiously.]

Tim: Jenny just called, she's going to be a little late. Sorry about that. Make yourselves at home and I'll, uh —

Marina: Oh, I'll help you with these.

[Marina takes the flowers and follows Tim into the kitchen.]

Tim: Thank you. Very much.


[Dana is near her locker; her agent sits on the bench nearby.]

Agent: Subaru loved you.

Dana: What?

Agent: (smiling) Yeah, you're their girl, you're their A-Number-One tennis playin' babe.

Dana: I got it?

Agent: Yeah, you got it. (stands) Yeah. Done deal. (laughing) They god-damned loved your f*cking guts!

[Dana jumps up and down.]

Dana: I got it?!

[Dana grabs him and hugs him.]

Agent: Who do you love? Who do you love?

Dana: You!

Agent: That's right.

Dana: Oh my god!

Agent: Allright, you're sweating on me. You're sweating all over my suit.

[They stop hugging. Dana playfully 1punches him in the shoulder.]


[A tired Jenny, in her Laurelwood Farms Market cashier's uniform, walks up the steps. She has bags in one hand and flowers in the other, so she knocks. Tina answers.]

Tina: Jenny! (takes bag from Jenny) Hey, let me grab that.


[Jenny comes inside. Tina closes the door.]

Jenny: (to Tina) Hey! How are you? (to Randy) Hey, how are you?

Randy: Good, good.

[Jenny playfully punches Randy in the shoulder. Tim takes the rest of Jenny's things and kisses her.]

Tim: I missed you.

[Bette enters the room.]

Jenny: Hi, nice to see you.

[Marina, in the kitchen, leans over to see Jenny coming in. Jenny doesn't see her yet. Jenny puts her arm around Tim and walks him toward the kitchen.]

Jenny: So.

Tim: Hm.

Jenny: I got, uh, eight of those little chocolate dessert things... very expensive...

[Jenny turns to see Marina walking out of the kitchen toward her. Jenny stops cold. Marina smiles warmly, taking the flowers from Jenny's hand and walks back into the kitchen. Jenny stares at her.]

Tim: (to Marina) Thank you. (to Jenny) So. Chili's ready. You're not. So, if you can run and get changed, it'd be great. K?

[Jenny finally looks back to Tim.]

Jenny: Um...

Tim: See ya. (kisses Jenny) In a second.

[Tim walks off. Jenny looks back up at Marina.]


[Tim sits on the bed. Jenny is half-dressed, frantically looking for something to wear. She's also upset.]

Tim: Jen... I just ran into her at The Planet Why are you so upset?

[Jenny digs through the hamper, throwing clothes all over the floor.]

Jenny: Because. I didn't know that she was gonna be here, okay? It just kinda sucks and... I have nothing to wear. (sighs) Okay. (grabs a white shirt) Okay, this is fine. It's fine.

[She takes off her black bra and puts on the white shirt. Tim sighs and follows her out of the room.]


[Tim follows Jenny into the bathroom.]

Tim: Look, I just don't get —

Jenny: (agitated) Will you shut the door, please, thank you.

[Tim closes the door.]

Tim: I don't get what the big deal is.

Jenny: Um...

Tim: Did something happen between you two?

Jenny: No. Nothing happened. I don't like her, okay?

[Jenny puts on lipstick.]

Jenny: She has this, y'know, this way ... of acting like she — she knows everything... but — I'm gonna go out there...

[Jenny brushes her hair.]

Jenny: ... and just... get this over with.

Tim: Jen. Stop for a second. Jen. Stop.

[Jenny stops and turns to Tim.]

Tim: We are not going to let this ruin our evening, okay? We're going to go back out there, we're going to have a good time, and whatever competitive thing you have going with Marina? Just ... talk to her. Y'know, kiss and make up, or ... whatever you women do.