01x04 - Lies, Lies, Lies


[title card: Greenwich Village, Present Day]

[A lesbian couple sleeps in bed. Outside, sounds of the city can be heard - traffic, police sirens, horns honking. Closeup of a couple of small, ancient, Central American statuettes of demons sitting on a table.]

[Someone is banging on the door. One of the women, Tess, gets up out of bed and slips some clothes on before heading to the door. As she walks, she bumps into the table and knocks over one of the statuettes. She picks it up and goes to the door.]

Tess: (opens door) Hey, Helen.

Helen: Stacy never came home.

Tess: (sighs) You got a wild one on your hands, Helen, you knew that going in.

Helen: You didn't run into her at the Boiler Room?

Tess: No. I never saw her tonight.

Helen: What's that?

Tess: (looks at statuette) Oh. I picked it up at that estate auction. I think it's a Jamacoaque from Ecuador, about 500 A.D., some minor demon like... Abraxas, or Forcas, or something...

Helen: Whatever.

[Helen's P.O.V., trying to look past Tess, into her apartment.]

Tess: Listen, don't stress out about Stacy, you know how she is. She probably went to another party...

[Stacy, still in bed, sits up and listens.]

Tess: ... and is passed out on someone's couch.

Helen: Well, what if something happened to her?

Tess: Oh, I'm sure she's fine.

Helen: I'm waiting a few more hours, then I'm going to the police.

[Helen leaves. The woman closes the door and goes back to bed.]

Stacy: Who was that?

Tess: Your girlfriend.

[Stacy laughs. They kiss.]

[main titles.]


[A residential street lined with palm trees.]


[Jenny walks to the back, where Tim is sitting at a table working on some papers. Jenny has on a lot of makeup.]

Jenny: Hey. What're you doing here?

Tim: Live here, last time I checked.

Jenny: I thought that you had practice.

Tim: Oh, Randy's taking the practice... I'm trying to... map out a study schedule for Trish. If she doesn't pass Physics, she can't compete in the PAC-Tens next month, so... (looks up at Jenny) Wow. You look fantastic.

Jenny: Really?

Tim: Where are you going?

Jenny: (grabbing jacket) I'm, I'm just... going to The Planet, gonna go write. I need the change of environment. So, I'll see you later.

Tim: You know what? That's a great idea. I'm going to come with you. I gotta get out of the house.

[Tim gathers up his things. Jenny looks disappointed.]


[A really nice, big, L.A.-type place in the hills.]


[Lara and Dana are in bed. Dana has her head on Lara's stomach. Lara pets Dana's hair.]

Lara: It's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens, Dana.

Dana: It's never happened to me.

Lara: (smiling) It's a perfectly natural thing. It doesn't change the way I feel about you. Or how much pleasure you gave me.

[Dana groans and whimpers, and hides under the covers. Mr. Piddles the cat, sitting at the foot of the bed, meows.]


[Tina is standing at the counter, eating a variety of things - pickles, olives, bread, and something that might be squid. Bette comes up behind her, putting her jacket on.]

Bette: Ew! What is that?

Tina: Sandwich. Want some?

Bette: Pass.

[Bette reaches over the table to pick up her briefcase, then goes to kiss Tina, who is stuffing something in her mouth.]

Bette: Bye hon - ew. That is disgusting.

[Bette takes off without the goodbye kiss.]

Tina: (mouth full) Bye babe.

Bette: Bye.


[A worker cleans up one of the patio tables. People are sitting around, enjoying the weather.]


[Music plays in the background. Tim and Jenny sit at a table together. Tim is solely focused on his papers; Jenny stares at Marina, who's behind the counter several feet away serving customers.]

[Jenny doodles on her paper, and glances back up at Marina, who's talking to a customer. Jenny goes back to doodling, then looks up again, this time at Tim. Tim is oblivious. Jenny's focus shifts back to Marina. Marina is now staring back at Jenny.]

[Marina turns and heads to the bathroom. Jenny watches her, hesitates, then gets up.]

Jenny: I'll be right back.

[Tim continues to work.]


[Alice pulls a huge box out of a paper bag and goes to sit down at the table with Tina, who is still eating.]

Alice: I can't believe you can buy these things in bulk. It's so weird.

[Alice opens the box.]

Tina: Oh, my god. I'd have so much more respect for that box if it had more honest pictures. Like, some sobbing, infertile woman with a negative test stick in her hand.

[Alice pulls out a single pregnancy test kit from the box. Tina snatches it from her.]

Alice: (laughing) And on the other side, it could have a teenage girl with a positive one, about to hang herself.

Tina: Yeah. (chuckles)

Alice: Good.


[Jenny makes her way through the back, to the bathroom. She walks to the first stall, where Marina stands, waiting on her. She goes in; Marina closes the stall door.]


[Tina is on the toilet, peeing on a pregnancy test stick. Alice stands next to her.]

Alice: How do you not pee on your hand?

Tina: You just aim below the clit.

Alice: Oh, really?

Tina: Yeah. Where did you think pee came out of?

Alice: I don't know, there's a lot going on down there.

[Alice grabs the instruction pamphlet from the pregnancy test and reads.]

Tina: This is my tenth early pregnancy test. In high school, I used to think you could get pregnant...

[Tina flushes and goes to the sink.]

Tina: ... from giving a guy a blow-job.

Alice: I used to think you could get pregnant through your pants.

Tina: Or touching the handle of the boys' bathroom.

[Alice stands behind Tina, primping in the mirror over the sink.]

Tina: Are you sure you want to go back to men?

Alice: I'm positive. I've had enough drama and mind-fucks, and women are f*cking crazy.

Tina: (facetiously) Yeah, men are boring.

Alice: Yeah, well bring it on, because I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring, boy-girl s*x masquerading as love. It's fine with me.

[Closeup of the pregnancy test stick. No results yet.]


[Marina and Jenny are standing against the stall, kissing feverishly. Jenny reaches her hand into Marina's skirt.]


[Tim still sits at the table, working. After a moment, he checks his watch and looks around. He looks toward the bathroom door, then gets up.]


[Marina slips a hand into Jenny's skirt. Jenny starts to sigh.]


[Tim heads for the bathroom.]


[Marina and Jenny are still at it. Suddenly, Tim walks in.]

Tim: Jen?

[Jenny and Marina stop kissing.]

Jenny: Tim?

Tim: You allright?

[Marina smiles; Jenny covers her mouth.]

Jenny: Yeah, I'm good.

Tim: You sure?

Jenny: Yeah.

[Jenny exits the stall and closes the door behind her. She walks to a sink.]

Jenny: Yeah, hey. I hate these unisex bathrooms.

[Marina, still in the stall, smiles.]

Jenny: You know? It's shocking to hear a man's voice, and they pee everywhere, it's just...

[Tim moves in to kiss Jenny. Jenny gives him a quick smooch on the lips. Marina hears it and rolls her eyes.]

Jenny: ... completely gross.

Tim: I'll try and be considerate.

[Tim heads to the stalls to go to the bathroom. He passes the one with Marina in it, going to the next one down.]


[Tina is sitting at the table, still eating. She reads the newspaper. Alice is elsewhere.]

Tina: You know what? It makes me sick what this administration is doing to our environment.

[Alice comes running into the kitchen with the pregnancy test stick in her hand.]

Alice: Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Tina! (shows Tina the test) It's positive!

Tina: What? Oh... oh, my god!

Alice: Oh my god!

Tina: I'm pregnant.

[Tina gets up and hugs Alice. They jump around, screaming and giggling.]

Alice: You did it, you did it, you did it, you did it!

Tina: Oh, my god! I'm pregnant! Oh, my god!

Alice: You did it! (hugs Tina) I'm so happy for you!

Tina: (holding up food in her hands) Oh, my god, look, I'm a cliché, I'm sitting here stuffing my face!

[Alice squeals happily. Kit walks up to the back door a couple of feet away.]

Kit: Hey guys!

Alice: Oh, god, you scared me. Kit, c'mere! C'mere!

[Kit steps inside.]

Alice: Tina's pregnant.

Tina: We just found out, just this second. Look!

[Tina shows Kit the test stick.]

Kit: Wow, oh, wow!

[Alice and Tina hug Kit.]

Kit: Oh, oh, I... I'm so happy for you! This is great! (hushed) Wow, this is groovy. Does Bette know?


[Tim is getting his papers together.]

Tim: Jen, I have to run these study plans over to Trish.

Jenny: Okay. That's fine.

[The phone rings. Tim gets it.]

Tim: (phone) Hello? Oh, hey. Uh, no, no she didn't mention that.

[Tim walks to the kitchen, where Jenny is making food.]

Tim: (phone) Really, yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway. You probably want to talk to Jenny. (hands the phone to Jenny) (whispering) The great Nick Barashkov. You sure you want it?

Jenny: (smiling) (taking phone) Shut up, give me the phone. (phone) Hello? Hi.

[Tim wanders off, looking a little jealous.]

Jenny: (phone) How are you? Guess what. I killed Sarah Schuster.


[Alice, Tina and Kit are sitting at the table. Kit is holding the test stick.]

Tina: You promise?

Kit: Well, you know I promise.

Tina: I'm not worried about you.

Alice: Yes, I promise, I won't tell Bette that we knew it before she knew.

Kit: You're gonna have to be so good. You can't have any more fun, uh-uh!

Tina: I know. No red meat, no additives, no Margaritas, wine, beer... and no Xanax! No matter how stressed-out I get.

Alice: No more smack, no more crack, and no more blow.

[They all laugh.]

Tina: I'm going to do everything right. I'm going to be as together about this as Bette is to her work.

[Alice looks at Kit; Kit smiles at Tina.]

Tina: We're going to have a family.

[Kit smiles and nods. Alice gathers up her keys and cell phone.]

Tina: (chuckling) Oh, my god.

Alice: (standing) Well, I have to go. So, I'll talk to you later. Lips are sealed, promise.

[Alice leaves.]

Kit: Tina, um, the reason I came is Bette told me there was a letter here for me?

Tina: Oh! Yeah! That's right. I'm sorry.

[Tina reaches into a stack of mail and pulls out a letter.]

Tina: It's from David.

[Tina holds the letter out. Kit gingerly accepts it. Kit smiles, but with sadness as she looks at the hand-addressed envelope.]

Tina: You okay?

Kit: Wow... yeah. I haven't heard from him in 5 years.

[Kit gets up, goes to Tina, and hugs her.]

Kit: Oh! You and Bette are gonna be great parents.

Tina: Thanks, baby.

Kit: Now, go on! Go call her before you explode! I'm outta here!

[Tina chuckles at Kit as Kit leaves through the back door, letter in hand.]


[Jenny is on the phone with Nick. Tim is milling around in the kitchen, listening to her.]

Jenny: (phone) I was completely done with her, so I just decided she needed to go.

[Tim opens a bottle of Perrier, his eyes on Jenny.]

Jenny: (phone) Oh, Nick, of course I value your opinion. You were the first!

[Tim takes a drink from the bottle.]

Jenny: (phone) You are? Okay.

[Tim leaves the kitchen, sullen.]

Jenny: (phone) Yes, I would love to! I would absa-absa-absolutely love to. (gasps) Ah! You have a tan? (laughs) Oh, my god, do you still look like George Hamilton?

[Tim, in the other room, gets his stuff together and leaves.]


[The exterior of the California Arts Center.]

Bette: (voice over) (phone) I understand your concerns.


[Bette is pacing at her desk, talking on the phone. Her assistant, James, runs in.]

James: The, uh, Bill Viola went to Seattle, he could maybe do 2005.

[Bette angrily waves a hand at him for interrupting her.]

James: Tina. Still on line 3.

Bette: (mouthing the words) Thank you.

[James leaves. Bette paces, still on the phone.]

Bette: (phone) Yes, great talking to you, too. Okay. Allright, bye.

[Bette presses a button on her phone, and switches to line 3.]

Bette: (frustrated) Baby, I cannot talk right now.


[Tina is making food, and still eating.]

Tina: (phone) Okay, okay. I'll make it really quick. Just promise me that you'll come home for dinner tonight. I'm cooking.


Bette: (phone) That's gonna be a tough one to swing.

[Bette takes a drink from her water bottle.]

Tina: (phone) Please, it's really important.


Tina: (phone) I'll take care of you. I'll make it all better.

Bette: (phone) The only way you can make it all better is if you come up with...


Bette: (phone) ... a show for my big, gaping spring slot.


[Tina looks downhearted.]


James: Sheldon Tomlin's on 2.

Bette: f*ck Sheldon Tomlin!


Bette: (phone) Baby, I can't talk right now.


Bette: (phone) (irritated) I will try tonight, that is the best I can do. Okay?


Tina: Okay. Try.


Bette: (phone) (sighs) Okay. Bye.

[Bette presses a button on her phone to hang up.]


[Tina hangs up the phone and regroups. She smiles.]


[Bette sighs heavily and puts her water bottle down. She presses a button and picks up line 2.]

Bette: (phone) (fake pleasantries) Sheldon! Thank you so much for calling me back. Y - no, it's true. Well, you know, because a big institution, it's hard to compete. Look, um, the reason that I was calling you... (takes deep breath) What you're about to hear is the sound of me eating my words. Sheldon, I... would like to book "Impressions In Winter" and I hope that you don't hold it against me that... (listening) Franklin didn't tell me anything. (listening) That is absolutely not true. No, the C.A.C. is not in turmoil! ... (listening) No! Of course. You know, and nothing personal on my part, either. Okay. Bye.

[Bette hangs up. James runs to her door.]

James: Franklin headed this way.

[He closes her office door.]

Bette: (to self) (irritated) God, dammit, does it ever f*cking stop?


[Franklin is coming down the hallway. James leans against Bette's door.]

Franklin: She in?

James: Uh, no, not yet.

Franklin: I see.


[Bette is getting her jacket on. She listens at the door.]

Franklin: (through door) Would you tell her that the board is convening for an unscheduled meeting tomorrow evening?


[Franklin leans close to Bette's door. He knows she's inside.]

Franklin: And she would be well-advised to attend.

[Bette opens the door.]

Bette: Franklin! What are you doing talking to my door? (to James) I'm off to my Bernard Riddle meeting. (to Franklin) He's got half a million dollars he wants to lay on some museum, somewhere in Los Angeles that's doing anything remotely progressive.

Franklin: Bernard Riddle? He's way out of your league, dear.

Bette: He may be out of the C.A.C.s league, Franklin, but he's certainly not out of mine.

[Bette winks at him, then ducks around the corner. Out of sight, she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Franklin walks off.]


[Dana and Shane are sitting at a table. Alice comes running up.]

Alice: Okay, guys. I just saw the cutest guy I've ever seen in my life.

[Nobody reacts. Alice looks at Dana, who's looking rather depressed.]

Alice: What?

Dana: I don't wanna talk about it.

Alice: You don't want to talk about what? Something happen with you and Lara?

Dana: No. I'm just never having s*x again, that's all.

[Alice sighs.]

Shane: Easy, Dana, come on.

Dana: I've never been more humiliated or embarrassed or ashamed of anything in my entire life.

Alice: What, did she tie you up and leave you?

Dana: No, nothing like that.

Alice: Okay, okay. Yep. I have a friend, she went down on a girl, she was down there and she sneezed.

[Shane chuckles.]

Alice: Is that it?

Dana: Gross.

Alice: It wasn't me, it was a friend. So what, what what what. God, you're killing me.

[Shane looks over at Dana.]

Shane: Did you queef?

Dana: Did I... see, I don't even know what that is. Is that...

[Dana gives up and frowns as she leans over to whisper in Dana's ear. ]

Alice: Okay, is that what happened? (to Shane) She female-ejaculated.

Shane: Wow, Miss Dana.

[Alice whistles. Dana looks around nervously.]

Shane: Wow, this Lara must be a killer in bed, huh?

Dana: Yeah... uh, yeah, yeah... she... that's a good thing?

Alice: Dana! Women strive for this! They read books about the G-spot. They go to workshops. Oh, my god, you should be totally and utterly ecstatic.

[An attractive young guy walks in their direction.]

Alice: Oh, my god, there he is. Tell me he's not the cutest guy you've ever seen?

[Shane looks over and sees the guy.]

Shane: Oh, Lis!

[Alice does a double-take.]

Alice: (startled) (whispering, to Shane) She?!

Shane: (to "Lisa") Hey! How are you doing? How are you?

[Shane and the cute guy - "Lisa" - hug. She introduces her gang.]

Shane: Um, these are my friends. This is Alice, and this is Dana. Guys, this is Lisa.

Lisa: Hi.

Alice: (taken aback) Lisa.

Shane: (smiling) Yes, Lisa.

[Alice's phone rings. Saved by the bell.]

Alice: Oh, sh1t. Oh, god, it's my mom. Excuse me. (gets up) (phone) Hello, mother. What do you mean you're in L.A., wh - where are you?

[Lisa sits between Shane and Dana. He watches Alice pacing a few feet away, on the phone to her mother.]

Lisa: (re: Alice) (to Shane) Who is that?

Shane: Uh-uh. Forget it, man.

Lisa: Are you sure?

Shane: Yeah, she, uh... well, she doesn't want to be a lesbian anymore.

Lisa: Since when?

Shane: Well, she was dating one of those hot-and-cold chicks, and... well, she got her heart completely busted.

[All three watch Alice, who's still on the phone.]

Alice: (phone) No! I - okay. I can't come because I have to go to w - I have to go to work (looks at watch) in, like, a half an hour.

Lisa: (to Shane) It's a shame.

Shane: (nods) Yeah.

Lisa: That's no reason to swear off being a lesbian.

Shane: I agree.

Lisa: Maybe I can change her mind.

[Dana furrows her brow at him.]

Dana: Wait. I'm sorry, I don't think... I don't know if you've noticed, but you're a guy. (laughs)

[Lisa sighs.]

Shane: (nods) Lisa's a lesbian.

Lisa: (to Dana) I'm a lesbian-identified man.

[Dana sighs.]

Lisa: I know.

[Shane laughs. Alice is off the phone and comes back to the table and gets her keys and her drink.]

Alice: Okay. Well, my mom's at The Plaza, there's been some sort of misunderstanding, and she's been here for 5 f*cking days.

Shane: Well, tell her I said hi.

Alice: (sipping drink) Mm.

Dana: Oh, hey, is she still with that stunt guy?

Alice: Ask her.

Lisa: (sincerely) Bye, Alice.

[Alice stops. She smiles awkwardly at Lisa; Lisa smiles back sincerely.]

Alice: Bye... It's... (points at cell phone) mom... she's totally (waves her finger around in a circle by her head and makes a whistling sound).

Lisa: I totally understand.

[Dana watches the exchange and grins at Shane. Shane raises an eyebrow.]

Alice: (sipping drink) Mm. Okay guys, I'll see ya later.

Shane: Bye, Al.

Dana: Bye, Al.

[Alice leaves. Dana raises her brows at Shane.]


[Alice greets her mother, Lenore, with a hug.]

Lenore: Sweetie! I was planning on calling you tomorrow. It's been so crazy. I'm here for the new Gerard Lichtman film and he's just been so demanding of my time. Did you know he has 5 Standard poodles? (laughs)

Alice: Gerard Lichtman, wow, really.

Lenore: (smiling) Yeah. Of course, they haven't set up the production offices yet, the financing is coming from some Australian beer conglomerate. So, I'm covering the hotel myself, which is fine, except that, uh, I'm having a slight... cash flow problem at the moment, and this manager's being a total dick.

[A woman approaches Lenore.]

Woman: (excited) Excuse me. I'm a huge fan of Dynasty. I loved you as Alexis!

Lenore: Thank you. Actually, I was Blair in Empire Falls.

[The woman frowns and walks off.]

Lenore: (to Alice, re: woman) Moron.

Alice: Mom. I have to go to work. So what do you want.

Lenore: (pouts) Oh, Alice, please, can't you talk to him for me? He's exhausted me.

Alice: (rolls eyes) Okay. Allright. Stay here and I will take care of this.

[Alice walks up to the front desk to speak to the hotel manager. Lenore dials a number on her cell phone.]

[Moments later - Alice is talking to the manager at the front desk.]

Alice: So, all her credit cards were declined?

Manager: I'm afraid so. We have to collect, she's over our limit. (smiles)

Alice: Right. But she'll have it in like a day or two. She's here to be in a Gerard Lichtman film, so...

Manager: Really!

Alice: Yeah.

Manager: I loved Blaunacht. It should've won the Oscar for Best Foreign Film.

Alice: (smiling) Right. And you know, sometimes they start payroll after production started. I'm sure you guys deal with celebrities all the time.

Manager: (smiling) I know. But, uh... she's at our limit.

Alice: Right. (a beat) Okay. I mean, I can take care of this, it's not a problem.

[Alice turns to see her mother, sitting on a chair and talking on the phone.]

Alice: (to manager) So what are we looking at?

Manager: Well, I have a printout of the bill. (hands printout to Alice) The total comes to five thousand, nine hundred sixty-eight, forty-two. (smiles)

Alice: I'm s - I'm sorry, you said - (looks at bill)

Manager: Five thousand, nine hundred sixty-eight, forty-two.

Alice: (reading bill) Dollars.

Manager: That be cash or credit card?

[Alice flips through the bill which is several pages long. She's smiling, but irritated.]

Alice: (reading bill) I'm sorry. How could anybody spend five thousand dollars on a hotel room. That doesn't -

Manager: Well, the suite is $950 a night.

Alice: Uh-huh.

Manager: Uh, she was here for five days. There was room service, and I believe she made a few phone calls. (smiles)

Alice: (blank stare) Right. (chuckles) (looks at bill) Oh, mother.


[Alice is her mother somewhere. Lenore is indifferent to Alice having to pay the hotel bill; Alice is peeved, but keeps a straight face.]

Lenore: Well, obviously I'm good for the money! I'm not some sort of con-artist! As soon as this job comes through, just send me the bill.

Alice: You could always hawk those pants.

Lenore: Aren't they great? (looks at Alice) Are you being sarcastic?

[Alice looks at her mother then looks back at the road.]


[Tim sits on the floor, deeply enthralled in a men's slalom sports program. Jenny lays on the couch, staring at the ceiling. After a moment she reaches out a hand and touches his shoulder. He's oblivious, so she gets up, sits on the floor next to him, and puts his arm around her shoulders. She snuggles up to him, smiling. ]

Tim: So, uh... Nick is in town, huh?

Jenny: Mm-hmm.

Tim: (nods) (still watching TV) Mm.

Jenny: It's the MLA convention. I told him that we were getting married and you know what he said? "Congratulations."

Tim: (nods) (watching TV) Really?

Jenny: You know what? Nick Barashkov is, like, this pretentious asshole who milks his minor literary stature by f*cking these impressionable, young undergrads. Okay, you have to give me some more credit. Please?

[Tim looks at Jenny. She kisses his shoulder, and he chuckles and goes back to watching the TV. She kisses his ear, then his cheek, but when she tries to kiss his lips, he moves away.]

Tim: You know the men's slalom's on. I've been waiting all night for this.

Jenny: Oh, I'm sorry.

[Tim chuckles.]

Jenny: Yeah. Okay.

[Jenny kisses him anyway, then takes the remote from his hand and sets it on the floor.]

Tim: (chuckling) Come on.

[Jenny starts to kiss him all over, finally gaining his complete attention. She puts her hand on his crotch.]

[Later -]

[Tim and Jenny are having s*x in front of the TV. The men's slalom is still on, but the sound is muted.]

[Jenny doesn't seem to be into it. Tim stops and looks down at her.]

Tim: Where are you?

[Jenny looks up at him, but she sees Marina instead, smiling down at her.]

Jenny: I'm right - I'm right here.

Tim: You look like you're someplace else.

Jenny: No, no, I'm right here.

Tim: Really?

Jenny: Yeah. C'mere. It's okay.

[They kiss. They resume having s*x.]


[Bette arrives home. Tina is in the kitchen. Bette closes the door and turns to Tina as she walks in. Soft classical guitar music plays in the background.]

Bette: I am f*cking dying out there! These Philistines are just breaking my -

[Bette sees the dinner table. It's set for three people. Tina watches her for a reaction, but Bette hasn't seen what's sitting on the third plate.]

Bette: No. Tina... you invited someone to dinner? (takes off jacket) I've had the worst f*cking day, the last thing on earth I want to do is to have to make con -

[Bette stops. She sees something sitting on the third dinner plate. Her expression warms as she goes to pick it up. It's Tina's pregnancy test stick with the positive result. She looks at it. Tina watches her closely.]

[Bette looks up, an immense smile on her face. Tina smiles. Bette puts down the test and walks into the kitchen. She kisses Tina.]

Bette: (whispering, in between kisses) I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

[Bette and Tina smile at each other. Bette's eyes water.]

Tina: I called Dr. Wilson and she said we should come in tomorrow, for an ultra-sound. (takes deep breath) (smiling) Just to confirm the results.

Bette: I am sorry I was such an asshole.

Tina: I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I'm sure everything is gonna be okay.

Bette: Sure it will.

Tina: Yeah. (smiling) We're gonna have a baby.

Bette: (whispering) (smiles) (eyes watering) We are. We are.

[Bette hugs Tina.]

Bette: (whispering) Oh. I love you.

Tina: (whispering) I love you, too.


[Alice is at the counter, talking to Marina.]

Marina: I tell you, you're good with your mama, you're good all over.

Alice: (waves hand) Ai, ai, ai. Allright, just give me a triple shot.

[Alice walks to the table where Shane and Dana sit. Shane is sipping an espresso. Dana looks unhappy.]

Alice: You guys, my mother's living with me until her job starts and it's not fun.

Shane: Wow.

Alice: (to Dana, re: Dana) What's with Mopey Pants? What is it, Dana, are you having embarrassing multiple orgasms now?

Dana: No. Just, Lara hasn't called me. And it's been, like... (checks Alice's watch) It's been 21 hours.

Alice: Well, how'd you leave it?

Dana: I left without saying anything.

Alice: From your own apartment.

Dana: I was really embarrassed, Alice!

[Alice and Shane chuckle at her.]

[Bette and Tina walk in. Bette is on the phone; Tina walks behind her.]

Bette: (phone) James, I really don't think they're going to do that. You didn't do anything. If they do, I'll just make a bunch of phone calls and give you an amazing recommendation, okay?

[Bette stands nearby as Tina greets Dana, Alice and Shane. Marina brings over some coffee and hands a cup to Alice, and a cup to Tina.]

Dana: (to Tina) I like your scarf.

Marina: (to Tina) And this is for the baby. I made it just for you. Congratulations.

[Marina hugs Tina. Bette hears the conversation and frowns. Tina looks at her. She hangs up the phone and looks at Alice and the others.]

Alice: (to Tina) Allright, I know. I was excited and just... congratulations.

Shane: Seriously, guys, it's so amazing. Congrats.

[Shane shakes Bette's hand.]

Dana: Wait, wait, wait. What's happening? Why's everybody congratulating you guys?

Marina: Tina's having a baby. They're pregnant!

Dana: Oh, my god. Congratulations!

[Dana and Tina hug.]

Dana: Wow! Why am I always the last to know these things?

Bette: It's okay, Dana. I was second-to-last.

[Bette walks away, hurt. Everybody looks guilty. Tina goes after her. Just as Tina leaves, Lara walks into The Planet, carrying a single rose. Dana doesn't see her, but Alice and Shane do. They smile.]

Shane: Check it out.

[Dana turns to see Lara standing there. Lara holds the rose out to her.]

Alice: (whispering) (to Dana) This is where you take the flower.

[Dana rolls her eyes at Alice, then takes the rose and hugs Lara.]

Dana: (to Lara) C'mere, I'm sorry. (smiles)

Alice: (whispering) God.

Shane: (smiling) So f*cking cute.

Alice: (whispering) Yuck.


[Bette and Tina walk out to their car, parked at the curb.]

Bette: Yeah, well you could have waited until she left to do the pregnancy test. Maybe you want Alice to be your Lamaze partner, too, and in fact, you know, really I'm surprised you didn't invite her to come with us for the ultra-sound.

[Bette gets in the car, leaving Tina standing on the curb, jaw agape. Tina finally gets in.]

[After a moment, Bette looks at Tina and realizes what she said.]

Bette: I'm sorry.

Tina: Look, I know how stressed you are. I'm trying to leave you alone. But sometimes I need someone to share a moment with. Is that really so wrong?

Bette: (a beat) (sighs) No. It's sad.


[A big, really nice building, with a bunch of students milling around.]


[Tim's and Randy's swimmers are practicing in the pool. Tim and Randy stand on the side, watching their stopwatches.]

Randy: Allright, ladies, let's keep it moving!

[Tim sees Trish running towards him, carrying her stuff in a bag over her shoulder.]

Trish: I'm so sorry. I had to beg Durst to make up my physics exam.

Tim: Turn right back around, Trish. You don't come to practice on time, don't bother coming.

Trish: But, Tim, I was -

[Randy watches the exchange.]

Tim: What? You're grown-up, right? Why don't you take some responsibility? All these women are in the water already. Go on.

[Trish walks away.]

Randy: Tim, what the hell are you doing? Get her in the water, now!

Tim: Randy, she's f*cking up. We can't just let her set her own schedule -

Randy: (angry) (calling out) Trish! Get back here!

[Trish turns but decides to keep walking. Tim stares at Randy. Randy is really upset.]

Randy: (to Tim) Go get her.

[Tim jogs off to catch Trish.]

Tim: Trish...


[A large, brick and glass building in a busy commercial district.]


[Tina lays on a hospital bed, with her feet in stirrups. Bette stands right next to her, holding her hand. They both look nervous. Bette checks her watch. Her phone starts to buzz in her pocket. She reaches in and pulls it out, and answers it.]

Bette: (phone) What.

[Doctor Wilson turns off some of the lights in the room.]

Bette: (phone) Is that what you called to tell me? I can't hear that right now. Okay?

[Doctor Wilson takes a seat at the foot of Tina's exam table.]

Doctor Wilson: (to Tina) Are you ready?

Tina: Yeah.

Bette: (phone) Bye.

[Bette hangs up and looks distraught. She sighs, then takes Tina's hand again. Doctor Wilson prepares the ultrasound machine.]

Doctor Wilson: So, we'll just apply a little bit of lubricant here... and here we go.

[Doctor Wilson inserts the ultrasound wand into Tina's v*g1n*. Tina looks up at the ceiling. Bette looks at her.]

Doctor Wilson: You comfortable?

[Tina nods.]

Doctor Wilson: Allright.

[Doctor Wilson presses a few buttons on the machine. An image shows on a monitor behind her.]

Doctor Wilson: And there's your left ovary. And that looks like it would've been a follicle. And there... (pointing to monitor) You see that little heartbeat?

[Bette leans over Tina to look closer. On the monitor is the image of the fetus, not more than a few weeks old. Its heart is clearly visible, thumping away.]

Bette: Is that our baby?

Doctor Wilson: That's your baby.

Bette: (whispering) Oh, my god.

Tina: (whispering) Oh, wow.

[They both stare at the monitor, smiling.]

Bette: (whispering) Oh, my god.


[Alice is driving her mother somewhere.]

Lenore: Left on third. (a beat) Gerard is insisting on spending the entire afternoon with me. (chuckles) Last time I saw him, my god, we talked about everything: films that inspired him as a child in Berlin... my divorce....

[Alice looks at her mother.]

Lenore: It was as if we'd known each other for years. (suddenly) Left, left!

Alice: Mom! I've lived in this city my whole life, I know how to get to Pico!

[Lenore huffs as she looks at her watch.]

Lenore: Oh, god!

Alice: We wouldn't have been late if you hadn't spent 15 minutes in the bathroom.

[Lenore pulls out a compact and looks at herself.]

Lenore: Do I look okay? Huh?

Alice: (nodding) You look good, you look great. You do. You really do.

[Lenore sighs and looks at Alice.]

Lenore: You could take a little more time with your face, you know. You might have a girlfriend by now.

[Alice starts banging on the car horn, at someone in the car ahead of them.]

Alice: Mother fucker!

Lenore: Asshole!

Alice: God!

Lenore: Jesus!

[Alice pulls up to a building and stops.]

Alice: Knock 'em dead, mom.

Lenore: Don't worry so much. You're getting this big wrinkle.

[Lenore points to the area between Alice's eyebrows. Alice quickly looks at herself in the rearview mirror.]

Lenore: You're starting to look like Ernest Borgnine.

[Lenore gets out of the car. Alice drives away. At the end of the street, however, she looks in her side mirror and sees Lenore running to the other side of the street. She puts the car into reverse.]


[Alice walks into the offices for a small-time film studio. As she walks down the halls, lots of things are heard: people yelling, women screaming, monsters growling, machine guns firing, women talking, and a man laughing maniacally.]

[All along the walls are movie posters: "Monastery of Evil," "Death Never Dies," "12 Steps To Hell."]


[Alice walks into a reception area for a casting call. A dozen people sit around, reading a page from a script. A woman walks up to Alice, clipboard in hand.]

Woman: Sign in at the front desk, they'll give you sides.

[Alice picks up some papers off the front desk.]

Alice: (to woman) What is this?

Woman: It's an open call for the part of Mrs. Simons, alien 1, 2 and 3, and Ted's grandmother.

Alice: (reading script) "Curse of the Romalians: Return to Gondor Part 2." Is this a Lichtman film?

[The woman scrunches her brow.]

Alice: Gerard Lichtman. The German director.

Woman: The director is Matt Fried, he's 22 and he's from Pasadena. Plus, he's a total asshole.

[The woman walks off to help someone else. Alice walks off, in search of her mother.]


[Alice walks into another reception area. There are many more people in here, all reading from a script and rehearsing. Alice sees her mother sitting amongst them, diligently reciting her lines. Alice watches her for a moment, then walks away before she's seen.]


[Tim is getting dressed. Randy comes in.]

Randy: Hey, man. Can I talk to you for a second?

Tim: About what? Trish?

Randy: Yeah, well, look. Trish needs support right now. She doesn't need to be chewed out in front of the whole team.

Tim: Yeah? Well, I don't, either. I'm just trying to do my job.

Randy: You're right. Look, man, I'm sorry if I was harsh out there, but this is the reality of our situation. Without Trish Peverell, we shouldn't bother showing up next week.

Tim: Really.

Randy: And on that note, I got ahold of the physics midterm. She's gonna take it on Monday.

[Randy holds the physics midterm out for Randy to take.]

Tim: There's no way I'm just turning that test over to Trish.

Randy: Would you relax? No one is talking about cheating. I'm talking about giving you the test so that you know how to tutor her. Know what direction to lead her in, that's all. C'mon.

[Randy holds the midterm out for Tim to take. Tim sighs, then takes it.]

Randy: You are a tense man, right now, you know that? Listen, why don't we go get a couple of beers, chill out a bit? It's on me.

Tim: I can't.

Randy: What, you and Jenny got plans?

Tim: No. Jenny's going out to dinner with one of her old professors.

Randy: Ah. Oh! (laughs) Wait. Not the blow-job one? The one she wrote that story about? Oh, hell no! You're letting your fiancée go out with a dude whose dick's been in her mouth?

Tim: Don't f*cking say that!

[Randy puts up a hand, backing off. Tim sits down.]

Tim: I don't own her, allright, she's her own woman.

Randy: No, she's not. Not since she put that ring on her finger and said "yes." Man, you have got to put your foot down.

Tim: No. The whole caveman thing, it's not my style.

Randy: This ain't got nothin' to do with caveman, allright, this is about trust, pure and simple. You don't trust her, you don't marry her. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, man, but those are the rules of the game.

Tim: I trust her. K?

[Randy smiles and gets up, patting Tim on the shoulder.]

Randy: Talk to you later, man, allright?


[Bette walks into the board room and stops. Everyone is there already, and they're all silent. Franklin sits at the head of the table.]

Franklin: Have a seat.

[Bette goes to her chair at the opposite head of the table.]

Bette: (joking) I'll forego the blindfold.

[Nobody laughs. Bette sits.]

Franklin: Miss Porter, as I'm sure you're aware, the position of director of this museum involves more than merely pulling collections out of hats. It involves image. It involves relationships.

[Bette looks around nervously.]


[The restaurant is dark and romantic. Jenny and Nick sit at a table, close to each other, facing each other. Jazzy music plays in the background. From time to time, Nick leans forward and touches Jenny on the shoulder, face, etc.]

Jenny: Okay, you have to tell me what you thought of my story.

Nick: I'm so flattered that you value my opinion.

Jenny: Nicolas, of course I value your opinion, you're the most brilliant, wonderfully smart...

[Nick laughs.]

Jenny: ... editor that I've ever had.

Nick: (holding necktie) What do you think of the tie?

Jenny: (smiling) I think it's f*cking sleazy.

Nick: (chuckles) Excellent. Well, your story, if you really want to know...

Jenny: Yes. I do.

Nick: ... I thought was utter bullshit from beginning to end. I mean, beautifully written... you always write exquisitely, but... (a beat) swans?

Jenny: They mate for life.

Nick: Sure, and they have brains the size of ping-pong balls. I mean, where's your edge, Jennifer? Where's your nihilistic passion? Where's the girl that masturbated in church?

Jenny: Shhh.

Nick: I mean...

[Nick leans over to read a part of the story, which is sitting on the table.]

Nick: "And he would've died for her, and she would've died for him." What's that about?

[Jenny takes the story away from him.]

Jenny: It's about f*cking commitment, you know.

Nick: Really.

Jenny: Yes.

Nick: Well, It reads like spackle. Now, I know you're marrying the coach, but if this is meant as a wedding present, I'd keep it between you and him. Because you're more complex than this.

[Jenny stares at him. Nick sees something in her eyes.]

Nick: What did you think, just then? Where did you go?

Jenny: (shakes head) Nowhere.

Nick: You're obfuscating.

Jenny: (smiling) Nothing.

[Nick takes Jenny's hands in his and leans closer. Jenny pays attention.]

Nick: Listen, Jennifer. Commitment is dreary. It's not your thing. You have to... dig deeper. (leans back) Tell me something interesting.

[Jenny smiles a little, and looks up.]

Jenny: I've been doing these really terrible things.


[James is leaning over his desk, looking at something. Suddenly, he hears a woman and two yapping dogs coming down the hallway. It's Peggy Peabody, but he doesn't know her.]

Peggy: Where the hell is the director's office?! This place is like a god-damned labyrinth. And moment I expect to run into the Minotaur!

[James steps out into the hallway.]

James: Hi. Can I help you?

Peggy: Um, yes, well, you certainly look like a very capable young man. Which is fortunate since I'm rather at your mercy. I need to find Bette Porter or Xandra Rosenman.

James: Well, they're both in a meeting (motions to door)

Peggy: In there? Oh, good. Take them for a moment, would you please? Get them some more water.

[Peggy hands him her dogs and is about to open the boardroom door.]

James: Uh, you can't go in there! That's a board of director's meeting, ma'am!

[James puts his hand on Peggy's shoulder to stop her. She turns to him.]

Peggy: Get your hand off me if you want to go on living and breathing.

[He removes his hand. Peggy throws open the boardroom doors.]


Franklin: (startled) Peggy Peabody, wh - what are you doing here?

Xandra: Peggy?

Peggy: Xandra. I got your call. (to Franklin) What is this about Franklin firing Bette Porter?

[Bette looks up at Peggy, then over to Franklin.]

Peggy: Let me just say, Franklin... and anyone else who may be involved in this little cabal...

[Peggy goes to stand next to Bette.]

Peggy: ... if you fire Bette Porter, I'll have to reconsider lending my collection to the C.A.C. Miss Porter is far and away the most qualified person in Los Angeles to reside over an exhibit like "Provocations."

Franklin: I - I thought "Provocations" was going through MOCA?

Peggy: Well, it's not, Franklin, it's going to your up and coming little museum!

[Peggy walks toward Franklin.]

Peggy: But only on one condition. (to Bette) Ms. Porter. I'll need a guarantee from you that you will remain with the C.A.C. at least until "Provocations" moves on to the Walker in the summer.

[Bette gives Franklin a smug smile. Franklin shifts nervously.]

Bette: Well, I'm not in the position to -

Franklin: Uh, Miss Porter has 6 months remaining on her contract, Peggy. (laughs) We have every intention of honoring it, despite what you may have heard about being fired.

Peggy: Well, let's just forget about that, then.

[Franklin nods.]

Peggy: Do you have an option in the contract?

Franklin: Of course we do. Uh, 18 months, I believe.

Peggy: I suggest you exercise it here and now.

[Bette smiles.]

Peggy: By the time "Provocations" debuts at the C.A.C., Miss Porter will already have been wooed by every museum in the country.

[Bette smiles at Peggy.]


Nick: Wow. That's interesting. You've fallen in love with a woman.

Jenny: No, no, no, I don't know if it's love. It might be sort of like this, you know, (smiling) fantastic, sort of, like, demon possession sort of thing.

[Nick looks surprised.]

Jenny: Oh, stop it, don't look so shocked.

Nick: I'm not shocked. I'm surprised, I'm excited... it's exotic.

Jenny: Oh, shut up, you pervert.

Nick: A demon possession. That's it, that's what you have to take and run with and when you write about - what's her name?

Jenny: Marina.

Nick: When you write about Marina, you must dig, you must delve, you must open up and eviscerate everything. (touches Jenny's face) You do your best work when you lay bare your remarkable emotions.


[Tim walks into the house and looks through the back door window. He doesn't see Jenny in the garage. He turns around and leaves.]


[Nick is alone, fixing himself a drink. A knock on the door. He answers it. It's Tim and he doesn't look happy.]

Nick: Coach. What a surprise.

[Tim looks over Nick's shoulder]