01x05 - Lawfully


[title card: West Hollywood, California 1976]

[Muffled traffic and police sirens are heard outside, in addition to music coming from the diner. Two men, Stephen Green and Sammy Craff, are in the bathroom. Sammy pushes Stephen to the wall. Stephen tries to kiss him. Sammy pushes him against the wall again, then backs up against the opposite wall. He unzips his jeans.]

Sammy: You ready? (unbelts pants) I'll bet you are.

[Sammy puts his foot up on the nearby toilet. Stephen stares at him.]

Sammy: You just gonna stand there, or are you going to do something with this?

[Stephen approaches. He tries to kiss Sammy again. Sammy pushes him down by the head.]

Sammy: Go on. Take that meat.

[Stephen starts to give Sammy head. Sammy sighs and groans.]


[Outside, the diner is busy. The patrons are all men. Most of them are dressed up for partying. A few red, white and blue balloons float around, and there are some red, white and blue streamers hanging up. A couple of decorative signs on the wall read "1776" and "1976" (1976 was the Bicentennial celebration of America's independence). A couple of workers stand behind the counter, helping patrons. Music plays - Connie Francis - "Everybody's Somebody's Fool"]

[The order bell rings. One of the workers behind the counter goes to the kitchen window and picks up a bag.]

Worker: Twenty-four. Number twenty-four?

[One of the guys sitting at the counter looks at his receipt.]

Guy: God.

[He gets up and heads to the back, toward the restroom. Just before he gets there, the door flies open. Sammy emerges, holding out a police badge for everyone to see, with Stephen in handcuffs.]

Sammy: Stephen Green, you f*ckin' faggot, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

[main title]


[Tim and Jenny are brushing their teeth, getting ready for the day. They kiss. Tim picks Jenny up, Jenny giggles, and they walk off camera.]


[Alice is sleeping on the couch, under a comforter. A noise in the kitchen startles her. She sits up.]

Alice: f*ck! Mom! sh1t!

[Lenore comes out of the kitchen, wiping her pajama top with a dish towel.]

Lenore: Wasn't my fault, wasn't my fault. That machine is just...

[Alice grunts and gets up, heads into the kitchen.]

Alice: Oh, f*ck... Christ. Allright. (in kitchen) What the fu - aw, god, Mom! (sighing) Ah, f*ck!

[Lenore goes to the big board on the wall - the original, infamous chart with the names on it - grabs a dry-erase marker and proceeds to writes her name down at the bottom. Then, she draws a line back to Shane. Alice comes back in.]

Alice: Okay, do you know how much that espresso maker costs, mom? What... what's that? What are you doing?

[Lenore steps back and looks at the boards.]

Lenore: My name.

[Alice walks up to the board, grabs an eraser and starts to erase Lenore's name.]

Alice: Okay, this is not something you just go and write your name on, like you're giving some sort of autograph.

Lenore: I know that, Alice. I'm not stupid, I understand the purpose of your chart. That's why I wrote my name. Right there, off of Shane.

[Alice turns around.]

Alice: Shane.

Lenore: Mm-hmm. Remember the other night at the party, when we were talking?

Alice: Yeah, we were all talking. You can't be on the chart for talking.

Lenore: I know, would you listen to my story?

[Lenore walks to the couch and sits down.]

Lenore: We were talking, and at the end of the evening, when we were saying our goodbyes... we had a moment.

Alice: A moment.

Lenore: A romantic moment.

[Alice closes her eyes.]

Lenore: And I have to say, I'm not sure that I haven't been limiting myself...

[Alice opens her eyes and gawks at her mother.]

Lenore: ... in being exclusively with men.

[Alice rubs her neck, trying to figure out what to say. She approaches her mother.]

Alice: Um... (laughs) (smiling) I need you to tell me exactly what happened.

Lenore: We kissed. At first, it was casual, but then it became... intimate. French.

[Alice blinks. Lenore smiles.]


[Tina comes racing into their bedroom from the kitchen, holding the phone in front of her and her other hand over her mouth. A moment later, she comes racing out of the bedroom, into the bathroom, and slams the door. Bette comes walking out of the bedroom, and stands in the hallway in front of the bathroom door.]

Bette: Baby, are you okay?

[Inside the bathroom, Tina throws up. Bette answers the phone.]

Bette: (phone) Hello? (smiling) Daddy, you're here!

[More retching noises from the bathroom. Bette walks into the kitchen.]

Bette: No, everything's just great.

[More retching noises from the bathroom, then the sound of a commode flushing.]

Bette: (in kitchen) (phone) What?


[Kit sits at a table, writing on a note pad. She writes, "Dearest David, This is your mother." She scratches out "your mother" and writes "Kit" instead.]


[Tina is laying on the bed, recuperating. Bette is sitting at the foot of the bed, putting her shoes on for work.]

Bette: Wonder what he's gonna say when we tell him. (smiling) He is gonna be so excited. (putting shoes on) What should we tell him when he asks about the last name?

Tina: Why do we have to bring it up?

[Bette stands, puts on her jacket, and walks to the bureau to get her jewelry.]

Bette: Well, I'm not saying that we should, just, you know, if he does. Just might be easier to use Kennard-Porter, I think.

Tina: (sighs) I don't think we should tell him anything that might not be true. You know how your father is.

[Bette looks at Tina.]

Bette: How is he?

Tina: I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing?

[Bette walks back over and puts a pink handkerchief in her jacket's breast pocket.]

Bette: What, like, "Portard"?

[Tina sits up and smiles at Bette.]

Tina: Bette... (chuckles) "Hey, Poor Tard, how's your two moms, ya big gay-mo?"

[Bette smiles.]

Tina: Or whatever it's gonna be in 2015.

Bette: Okay, fine. What about Kenter, then? (puts on earrings)

Tina: It has a nice sound to it, doesn't it?

Bette: You're right. We should just... try not to talk about it tonight.

[Bette walks out of the room. Tina collapses back to the bed.]


[Dana has just finished practicing. She meets her coach at the net.]

Coach: Nice, Dana. Much better.

Dana: (smiling) Thank you.

Coach: I'm gonna have Andrew come by this week and test the speed of that serve, allright?

Dana: Allright, sounds good. Thank you, I'll see you in a bit, okay?

Coach: Good stuff.

Dana: Allright.

[She and the coach part ways. Dana heads to the stands a few feet away, where Lara sits.]

Dana: (smiling) (to Lara) Hi.

Lara: Hey.

Dana: How are you?

[Dana bends down and kisses Lara.]

Dana: Mmm. (sits) So, my serve is faster.

Lara: Cool.

[Dana's agent, Conrad, walks up behind them. He's dialing his cell phone, so isn't paying attention to them just yet, and they don't see him.]

Lara: So who is the sexiest tennis player in the world?

[Dana giggles and puts her head on Lara's shoulder.]

Dana: Anna Kournikova ?

[Dana laughs and kisses Lara again. Conrad looks up.]

Conrad: Hey!

[Dana jumps up. Lara gets up and stands next to her. Conrad comes down and stands in front of them.]

Dana: Hey.

[Conrad looks at them both.]

Conrad: So. Guess who's having an event tonight and wants you to come?

[Dana smiles, and is about to say something, but Lara cuts her off.]

Lara: Subaru?

[Dana chuckles. Conrad looks at Lara.]

Conrad: Who are you? Her psychic?

[Lara leers at him. Conrad chuckles.]

Conrad: (to Dana) Yeah. So, uh, Subaru's hosting a dinner. Some kind of charity event, to support the arts in, uh, public schools. It'll be teeming with the who's who. How hot is that?

Dana: That's very hot.

[Lara puts her hand on Dana's back. Conrad watches the display.]

Lara: (to Dana) See how you're a star? (to Conrad) So, where is it?

Conrad: Morton's. 8 o'clock.

Lara: I'm so excited! It's gonna be so great.

[Lara puts her arms around Dana's neck and moves closer, whispering in her ear.]

Lara: You are so f*cking hot. I wanna have s*x with you right now.

[Dana puts a hand on Lara's neck smiles.]

Conrad: (chuckling) Allright. Still here, ladies.

[Dana and Lara break contact.]

Dana: Sorry.

Conrad: Yeah, ah. Don't apologize. Hey, you know what? Ever wanna... mix it up, let me know!

[Dana and Lara squint at him.]

Conrad: I'm kidding. (laughing) I'm kidding, I'm just kidding.

Lara: I'm gonna get back to work. (to Dana) Um... I will see you later.

Dana: Mkay.

Lara: (to Conrad) It was nice meeting you. I think.

[Lara leaves.]

Conrad: It's a joke. A joke. Just a... just a joke. (to Dana, still watching Lara) She's cute. Really cute.

[Conrad turns back to Dana and gives her a silent up-and-down look.]

Conrad: So, about tonight, I think you should bring Harrison. He's your doubles partner, it's what people want to see.

[Dana glances over at Lara, who is just walking around the corner.]

Conrad: Dana?

Dana: I -

Conrad: Dana? (holds phone out) You wanna call him? Or should I?

[Dana walks away.]


[Alice is asking Shane about her mother. Music plays in the background.]

Shane: I mean, I'd really... love to say that it's not true, but...

[Alice shakes her head and rubs her neck.]

Alice: Oh, my god...

Shane: Ah, sh1t. I don't know, man, your mom... all I know is I was saying goodbye, and the next thing I know, she just... (shakes head) ... (sighs) f*ck.

[Alice looks uncomfortable, and paces.]

Shane: I don't know. I'm thinking maybe those drinks were a little strong.

[Alice sighs, and paces.]

Alice: You know what this means? This means I can never be gay again! Never! I cannot be gay!

Shane: Al, (chuckles) c'mon, it's no big deal. Your mom is really sexy for an older woman.

Alice: (grunts) Oh!

Shane: She is! And you know what, she's got really.... (gesturing for breasts) ... she's really....

[Alice sits in a chair and covers her ears with a pillow.]

Alice: Oh... (singing) My baloney has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R, my baloney has a second name -

Shane: Al, shut up, okay? I should be singing. Your mom got funky with me, allright?

Alice: She came on to you?

[Shane half-smiles and shakes her head.]

Shane: (smiling) sh1t, she's wild, Al.

Alice: Oh, okay, please with the details! God! Why's my mom such a slutty, slutty, chicken-chasing pervert? I mean, god, you know, not to mention a liar, because she said you came on to her, and she was just being polite!

Shane: (reading newspaper) She's wild.

Alice: Uh, well, you can say your goodbyes because she is going back to Nelson's. I am not driving her to Palm Springs, they can do that. She put her name on the chart. Do you know that? (flustered) I mean, what is that? I mean, who di - where'd she come from?

[Alice noticed a couple of well-dressed men sitting at a table several feet away, eyeing Shane.]

Alice: Okay, there's two guys staring at you, and I think one of them is Harry Samchuck.

[Shane turns to look. One of the guys waves at her. She turns back around quickly.]

Shane: (tosses paper down) f*ck. (a beat) He thinks I'm a guy.

[Alice squints at the two men.]

Shane: All of those f*cking gay Hollywood mafia fags think I'm some twink they can pick up on. (gets up) Allright. I'm outta here.

Alice: Hey, hey. I'm really sorry you got Lenore'd.

Shane: (chuckling) It's allright, don't worry. It happens. (pats Alice on the head) I'll see you later.

[Shane leaves.]


[Clive, an old friend of Shane's, is at the counter, getting a crescent roll.]

Clive: (to worker behind counter) Can I see the one just... no... third one in. No, next to that. No...

Shane: Jesus Christ. Just give him whichever one's on top.

[Clive turns around. He smiles.]

Shane: Where the hell have you been?

[Shane draws Clive into a tight hug.]

Clive: San Diego.

Shane: Yeah? With your mom?

Clive: Yeah. I needed a break. L.A. was getting all (mimicking a talking head with his hand) "blah, blah, blah"...

[Clive waves to Harry Samchuck. Shane looks over there. Harry Samchuck smiles and waves for Clive to come to his table.]

Shane: That's your friend now?

Clive: Yeah, I uh, I met him. You know.

Shane: (joking) (smiling) You are a f*cking asshole, you know that? You're a dick. Call me. Take care.

[Shane begins to leave.]

Clive: (grabs Shane's arm) Shane.

Shane: What?

Clive: I need a favor.

Shane: Aw. Clive... I can't do it. I don't have the room this time.

Clive: Please, it's just for a couple of days.

Shane: Jesus, man, I got roommates. And they're gonna freak out. There's four of us living in one bedroom. (a beat) I mean, what, you can't stay with someone else?

Clive: No, I... made some calls, but, uh, you know, no one's called me back.

[Shane shakes her head.]

Shane: (sincere) Dammit, I ca - I'm sorry. I can't do it this time.

Clive: (shaking head) (smiling) It's cool.

Shane: Yeah?

Clive: (lying) Yeah! Of course.

Shane: Sweet. Will you call me, though?

Clive: Yeah.

Shane: Please?

Clive: Of course.

Shane: It's good to see you. Bye, darlin'.

[Shane leaves. Clive grabs his order off the counter and heads for Harry Samchuck's table.]

Clive: Mister Samchuck...

Harry: Clive, (points to friend) have you met Mark?


[The swim team is getting on the bus to go to a competition. Tim and Randy stand at the bus door, checking the roster. Trish comes up to the door.]

Trish: (to Tim) (smiling) Trish Peverell?

Tim: (looking at roster) I can't seem to, uh... (laughing) Get on the bus.

[Trish gets on the bus.]

[Randy looks really nervous.]

Tim: You are so f*cking nervous, man. (laughs)

Randy: I know, I know.

Tim: I don't even have to bother. Look at you.

Randy: I know, man, I know. I gotta try and calm down, I mean... I mean, we're in a good position, right. Look, man, I don't even want to know what you did to get Trish in this, but I thank you.

[They clasp hands and hug.]

Tim: No problem. Seriously.

Randy: Allright, let's do this.

[Randy and Tim smack fists.]

Tim: Let's win it!

Randy: Yeah!

Tim: Allright!

[Randy gets on the bus. Tim kneels and puts his clipboard in his duffle bag. He searches his jacket for his stopwatch, but doesn't find it.]

Tim: f*ck! (searching bag) Randy? f*ck. Randy!

Randy: What's going on?

Tim: Uh, forgot my stopwatch.

Randy: Hey, man, there's no way you're leaving now, man.

Tim: Oh, I gotta. We're not going to win without it. You know that. And don't call me superstitious, either, because I know you have your Garfield boxers on.

[Randy lifts his shirt and tugs on the waist of his boxers, which say "Garfield".]

Randy: Absolutely. (laughs) Okay, look, don't be late, man.

Tim: sh1t. I'll probably be there before you.

[Tim grabs his bag and walks toward his car. He passes the school mascot on the way, a big blue bird.]

Mascot: Whassup!


[Marina and Jenny are sitting together on the sofa bed by the window. Marina is reading something Jenny wrote.]

Marina: I think it has amazing potential.

Jenny: Potential?

Marina: Well, it's a draft, right?

Jenny: (defensive) Yes.

Marina: Well, you can't expect every story you write to fall out of you and be gold.

[Jenny tosses her story aside.]

Marina: Writing is re-writing.

Jenny: Mm-hmm.

Marina: It doesn't make you less talented.

Jenny: Right.

[Jenny, leaned back against the window, puts her leg in Marina's lap. Marina leans close, over Jenny.]

Marina: Your strength is you write from here.

[Marina puts her palm over Jenny's heart.]

Marina: (quietly) The demons that tempt you. That you struggle with.

[Jenny pushes Marina's hair back and looks at her.]

Marina: Am I that demon?

[Jenny looks at Marina.]


[Tina is trying on clothing - apparently everything she owns. A pile of clothing lays on the bed.]

[She tries to button some pants, but can't. She sighs.]

[She holds a blouse up to her. Doesn't like it. And another.]

Tina: Ugh.

[She tosses a shirt onto the growing pile. She puts on a purple sundress.]

[The doorbell rings. She sighs, and goes to answer it.]


[Kit is at the door. Tina is running to open it, but doesn't get there before Kit opens it. Kit has a medium-sized box in her arms.]

Kit: (gasps) Oh girl, you scared me. Guess what I got for you, mommy! Check it out! Vitamins for women. (sets box on kitchen table) Everything that you don't get, even when you have a good diet.

[Tina looks in the box as Kit takes some of the contents out.]

Kit: It's gonna be so good for you and the baby.

[Tina smiles and hugs Kit.]

Tina: You're so good to me.

Kit: I - I wanted to bring you something. (steps back) That's a cute dress.

Tina: You think? (looks down) I think it makes me look fat. I bet it'll take Melvin 5 minutes to say it.

Kit: Um... Melvin? My father? He's here in Los Angeles?

[Tina apparently wasn't supposed to tell Kit.]

Tina: Yeah, he's, uh... he's just sort of in and out... uh, some sort of business thing. Bette made him squeeze us in. She really wants to tell him about the baby in person.

Kit: (a little hurt) Ai. Sounds like it'll work out really nice for you.

Tina: Yeah, it saves us the trip.

[Kit sighs.]


[Tim comes in the front door, looking for his stopwatch. The sound of kids playing is heard from outside.]

Tim: Hello? Jen? You home?

[He looks under newspapers.]

Tim: Jenny?

[He finds his stopwatch by the window that looks out over the garage.]


[Jenny sits on the edge of the sofa bed. Marina is going down on her.]

Jenny: Oh, f*ck... oh... oh yeah... wait, wait, right there...

[Tim comes to the door, and stops when he sees Marina and Jenny through the door window.]

Jenny: Oh, yeah!

[Tim slowly pushes the door open, shocked. He steps inside and stands there. Neither Jenny nor Marina notice he's there.]

Jenny: Mm! Ah! f*ck! Mm! Ah!

[Jenny leans up and sees Tim. Marina turns around, then gets up, buttons her pants, takes her shirt and leaves. Jenny puts her tights back on and covers herself with her shirt. Tim is in total shock. He steps forward and stares down at her, tears almost forming in his eyes. Jenny stares up at him.]

[Tim bends and picks up Jenny's story off the floor. He reads the title: "The Demons That Tempt Me" by Jennifer Schecter. Tim tosses it at her and walks out.]


[Bette comes in. Tina's on the bed, sleeping in her purple sundress and fuzzy slippers.]

Bette: (sighs) Tina? (shakes Tina's leg) Tina, wake up.

Tina: (waking) Oh... hi baby.

Bette: We have to pick up my dad in half an hour.

Tina: (sitting up) Oh, okay. All I have to do is, uh, put on my makeup.

Bette: You're not serious. You - you're not wearing that dress.

[Tina looks down at herself.]

Bette: I, you know, I - I'll just pick something else out. Can you at least just take the tags off the present?

[Bette hands her a Chanel bag and goes to the closet. Tina opens the bag and pulls out a small package. She opens the package and pulls out a red tie. She looks at the pricetag on the tie. It says $300.00.]

Bette: Why did you call me earlier?

Tina: (taking pricetag off) I didn't.

Bette: (picking out clothes) Well, my cell showed our home number.

Tina: Oh, hm. Mighta been Kit. She dropped by earlier. She brought us vitamins.

[Tina puts the tie back in the package.]

Bette: You didn't tell her daddy was in town, did you?

[Tina looks up at Bette.]

Bette: (sighs) Tina, what were you thinking? (walks to Tina) I mean, first David writes a note on a post-it, and her dad's in town, he doesn't even bother to call her... these are just the kinds of things that make it hard for her to stay sober.

Tina: Well, I'm sorry, but you didn't brief me on what allright to say and what wasn't.

Bette: I shouldn't have to.

[Bette throws the clothes on the bed for Tina to change into. She grabs the package and Chanel sack and leaves the room. Tina looks hurt.]


[Tim leans against his car, in the near-darkness, at the building where the swim team is competing. The bus is parked nearby.]

[He's looking at his stopwatch. He presses the stop/go button and the reset button over and over and over again. He presses down on the glass of the stopwatch face too hard with his thumb, and the glass breaks.]

[He walks to the building.]


[Bette and Tina are pulling up in their car. Bette is on the phone as she parks the car.]

Bette: (phone) (smiling) You see me? Daddy, it's the blue Saab. Look straight ahead. Do you see me? (looks in rearview mirror) I can see you! Tina's in the passenger seat right next to me, she'll get out right now.

[Bette nudges Tina and motions for her to get out of the car.]

Bette: (phone) Yeah, she'll wave. (to Tina) Wave. Wave when you get out.

[Tina slowly unbuckles her seatbelt and steps out of the car.]

Bette: (phone) You see her? See? (to Tina) (whispering, frustrated) Wave. Wave!

[Tina waves. We see Bette's dad standing by the hotel entrance about 50 feet away. He waves back and begins to walk over.]

Bette: (phone) Yeah! That's her. (chuckles)

[Bette hangs up and gets out of the car. She and her dad hug, excited to see each other.]

Melvin: (laughing) Oh, it's so good to see you!

[Bette goes to get back in the car. Melvin walks toward Tina.]

Melvin: (smiling) Hello.

Tina: (smiling) Hi.

[Melvin politely kisses Tina on the cheek. Tina gets into the back seat of the car, then Melvin gets in the front seat. Tina hands Melvin the Chanel sack with the tie in it.]

Tina: This is from Bette.

Melvin: (taking sack) From Bette?

Tina: Mm-hmm.

Melvin: Ah, now... what can this be? Oh, no, don't tell me... (opens package) It is a tie. (chuckles)

Bette: I thought the color would look good on you.

Melvin: (laughing happily) 'Cause you've got the eye!

[Tina sits in the backseat, feeling ignored.]

Melvin: (chuckling) Ah, look at that. Beautiful.

Bette: (starts car) Hope you're hungry.

[Bette turns around to see to back the car up, but Tina is in the way.]

Bette: (to Tina) Can you just move over? I can't see.

[Tina scoots over.]

Bette: (backing car up) Thanks, Tee.

Melvin: Oh, I am. That's what we have in mind. Oh, that was a nice trip.

[They drive away.]


[The swim team is getting on the bus after the competition. Trish walks with Tim.]

Trish: Hey. Don't take it so hard. We only lost by a 10-point margin.

Tim: You did a great job, out there. Thanks.

[Trish gets on the bus. Suddenly, Jenny comes racing up to Tim, from somewhere in the parkinglot.]

Jenny: Tim! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Tim: (holding Jenny back) What are you - what are you doing here?

Jenny: Please, please, don't shut me out! Please?

[Tim literally holds Jenny at arm's length. Behind him, the team continues to board the bus.]

Tim: Please what, Jenny, huh? What the f*ck is with "please"? Just give me my ring!

[Tim grabs Jenny's hand and tries to take the ring off.]

Jenny: No! I'm not giving you your ring!

[Jenny backs away and tries to keep her hand from him.]

Tim: Give me my ring.

Jenny: No, no! I'm not giving you your ring! If you want the ring, take it off my finger...

[The team on the bus sit at the windows, watching Tim and Jenny. Jenny tries to keep her hand away from Tim, but he gets angry and grabs her.]

Tim: (really angry) I f*cking swear to god, just give me my ring!

Jenny: (yelling) Nooo! Nooo! Don't! Nooo!

[Randy jumps off the bus and pulls Tim off of Jenny.]

Randy: Hey, hey! What the hell are you doing, man?! (to Jenny) Are you alright?

Jenny: (hands up) I'm fine!

Randy: (to Tim) What the hell's going on?

Tim: (calm) Randy... just leave us alone, allright, this is none of your business.

Randy: Listen, if you want to start beating on your woman in front of me and the whole team, that is my business.

Tim: I was not beating on her.

[Jenny stands a few feet away, watching.]

Tim: (to Randy) Leave us alone, that's all I need from you.

[Randy sighs and turns to Jenny.]

Jenny: (hands up) I'm fine.

Randy: (sighs) (to Tim, closely) Listen. Don't disappoint me, man. Allright, you don't wanna do that.

Tim: I won't. Allright, this is just between us.

[Randy pats Tim on the shoulder and gets on the bus. The bus drives away.]

Jenny: Tim, you have to understand that this was a big mistake. It was like... watching yourself, and seeing yourself do something terrible, and not being able to stop it.

Tim: Why? (yelling) Why couldn't you stop it? Why was it so f*cking hard?!

Jenny: (shaking head) I don't know.

Tim: When did it start?

Jenny: That was the first time, the only time... we didn't even talk.

Tim: So, you went from not talking to letting her eat you out? Is that it?

Jenny: Please don't say that.

Tim: I can't believe this is happening. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you.

Jenny: Well, why can't we?

Tim: Because you f*cked it all up, Jenny!

Jenny: I know, but I'm begging you to forgive me.

Tim: God... I mean... you two must have just been laughing at me, the whole time...

Jenny: No, no, no, no, nobody was laughing at you, it was just this thing that happened and it wasn't planned.

Tim: You know what kills me? (two beats) I was standing there. Watching you two.

Jenny: Tim.

[Jenny tries to put her arms around Tim's neck. Tim walks away, to his car.]

Jenny: Tim, please. Please, please, Tim. (pulls on Tim's arm) Tim, please, please, please. Please Tim.

[Tim throws Jenny off and gets in the car. He sits in it and stares straight ahead.]

Jenny: Please, this doesn't have to... if you can just forgive me, Tim, please, it doesn't have to end. We can just keep on going as we'd planned and nothing has to change, right? Tim, please, please, don't leave me. 'Cause if you leave me, I think that I'll die. Tim, please look at me.

[Tim finally looks at her.]

Jenny: I love you. And I just wanna be your wife.

Tim: You wanna be my wife?

Jenny: Yes. (nodding) More than anything else.

Tim: Get in the car.

[Jenny gets in the car. Tim starts the engine and they drive off.]


[Soft, jazzy vocalist music plays in the background. Dana, in an extremely tight dress, heels and makeup, walks down the stairs. She's putting on earrings. At the bottom of the stairs, she drops an earring. She struggles to bend over to get it because the dress is so ultra-tight.]

[Harrison comes out of the kitchen, carrying two glasses.]

Harrison: So, I made these with vodka and whey protein, there was some kind of chemical reaction, but the soy protein is really great.

[The doorbell rings. Dana walks to the edge of the balcony and shouts downstairs.]

Dana: (yells) It's open!

Lara: (offscreen) It's me!

[Dana shoots Harrison a worried look.]

Harrison: Uh-oh.

[Harrison hands Dana a glass and quickly darts upstairs to the third floor, just as Lara comes upstairs to where Dana is. Lara is carrying a garment bag containing a couple of dresses.]

Lara: Ah! God, you look great! Okay, I need help. I didn't know what you were wearing, and I didn't want to end up looking like twins, you know? That's like saying, "Wow, I'm so cute, I wanna go out with me."

[Dana smiles uneasily. Harrison comes back down the stairs.]

Harrison: Oh, hi!

Lara: ... Hi.

Harrison: I'm... going to freshen my drink.

[Harrison goes back upstairs. Lara looks at Dana, embarrassed.]

Lara: I can't believe I assumed I was going with you. (walks toward stairs) I feel so stupid.

Dana: Lara, Lara, wait, wait, wait. Look. Look, Conrad was the one who called Harrison, okay? He just thinks that it's better for me not to... he just... he just wants me to be consistent, and Harrison's who I usually go with, and you know that I really wanna go with you -

Lara: (dejected) Okay. I get it, believe me.

[Lara walks back down the stairs.]

Dana: Lara, I'm sorry!

[Lara stops and looks up at her.]

Dana: Look, I know I should've called.

Lara: That would've been nice.

[Lara leaves. Harrison comes back down the stairs to console Dana.]

Harrison: You did the right thing. She's gotta understand, it's not personal, it's business. Out and proud does not sell cars.


[Several people sitting around at tables outside, enjoying the weather.]


[Tim follows Jenny inside. Jenny looks as if she's been crying.]

Jenny: Tim. We don't have to do this.

[Tim doesn't respond. Jenny walks into the middle of the club. Marina sees her and comes over.]

Jenny: (to Marina) I need to tell you something.

[Marina looks around.]

Marina: Um, let's go to my office.

Tim: No. She can say what she needs to say right here.

[Marina turns to look at Jenny. Jenny stares at her, unmoving.]

Tim: (to Jenny) Tell her.

Jenny: (to Marina) What happened between us was a terrible mistake. It is never gonna happen again. I will never see you, ever again. Do you understand that?

[Marina looks down at Jenny. Tim steps up, getting in Marina's face.]

Tim: (threatening) Did you hear what she said?

Marina: (icy stare at Tim) Of course I did.

[Marina and Tim stare at each other, fiercely.]

Tim: Tell me when it started.

[Jenny looks worried.]

Marina: It didn't. You saw all there was to see. The beginning, and the end.

[Tim glares at Marina.]

Tim: (to Jenny) Let's go.

[Tim walks off. Jenny doesn't move. Jenny and Marina stare at each other. Jenny's eyes fill with tears.]

Tim: Jenny.

Jenny: (to Tim) Yes. I'm coming.

[Jenny looks at Marina, her expression filled with sadness, then walks away.]


[Shane is playing pool alone. Clive walks up, carrying a huge duffle bag. While he talks, Shane continues to play pool.]

Clive: So, this morning after you left, Harry asked me all about you and I told him you did Pink's faux hawk for her "Bitter Pill" video and he f*cking creamed!

Shane: Yeah?

Clive: Yeah, he says he wants to recommend you to all his friends!

Shane: (sighs) That's fabulous. How much do I owe him?

Clive: What? Ew, god, no, no, no, he just wants to hang out sometime!

[Shane takes a shot.]

Shane: Clive. I'm not hanging out with him. He thinks I'm a guy, I'm not into that. You should know that.

Clive: Since when?

[Shane takes a shot.]

Shane: Since I found a real job.

[Shane turns around and nearly runs into Clive. For the first time, she sees the huge duffle bag over his shoulder.]

Shane: Hey! Good for you, you found a place.

Clive: Yeah, I'm staying with Harry.

Shane: Oh, f*ck. (a beat) f*ck, Clive, no you're not.

Clive: What are you talking about?

Shane: We made a promise to each other that we're out of that.

Clive: (huffs) I'm not going back out on the streets, Shane, I'm going to a $30 million mansion in Bel Air!

Shane: You are going to be the latest boy toy to a bunch of Hollywood fags who are going to pass you around and suck you dry. (takes a shot) They're vampires, man, and you should know that.

[A moment of uneasy silence passes between them.]

Clive: I don't exactly have a choice, do I?

[Shane looks around for several seconds, thinking about it.]

Shane: Allright. (walks to other side of pool table) Allright. One week.

[Clive smiles huge.]

Shane: One week and that's it. And if you mess up, if you f*ck around, you're out.

[Clive runs over and envelops Shane in a hug.]

Clive: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, thank you!


[Alice walks down the hall into the spare bedroom, where her mother is getting her bags together. A car horn honks outside.]

Alice: Mom? Nelson's outside.

Lenore: (sighs) (zipping bag) Why do I feel like I'm being banished? I said I was sorry.

[Alice sits on the bed and helps pack.]

Alice: You're not being banished, I just need my place back. I work here.

[The car horn honks again.]

Lenore: You see how your brother is? I feel like one of those fast girls in high school whose boyfriends can't even bother to come to the door.

[Lenore kneels to get something from the floor.]

Alice: I'm gonna help you. Just, you know, he's got the kids in the car.

Lenore: (whining) Aw, Alice, please. Promise me.

Alice: I'll remind them. Call you "Bunny" and not "Grandma."

[The car horn honks again. Lenore sighs dramatically and zips up another bag.]

Alice: Mom? You know how I had that talk with Shane? About what happened?

Lenore: (standing) Yeah?

Alice: She says she thinks you're wild.

Lenore: (flattered) Really! (grabbing bags) Well. I hate to hurt her feelings, but I'm afraid it can't go any farther. (leaving room) You'll talk to her for me, won't you Alice?

Alice: (grabbing bag) (smiling a little) Yeah. I'll talk to her.


[Tim's car drives down the highway. The car passes a sign that says "TAHOE 23mi".]


[Bette, Tina and Melvin are being seated.]

Bette: And then, daddy, MOCA had the show but I just wouldn't give up. You know what I did? I went to go see Peggy Peabody myself. (sitting)

Melvin: Incredible. (chuckles) (sitting) What do I always tell you? You are my child. You can do anything you set your mind to!

[The trio sits. Bette and Tina sit next to each other, and Melvin sits across from them. The waiter hands them their menus.]

[Bette smiles at her dad.]

Melvin: So. (to Tina) What do you think of my girl?

Tina: (looks from Bette to Melvin) Oh... I think she's amazing. I think the show's gonna be incredible.

[Bette smiles at Tina.]

Melvin: (to Tina) And, uh, how is your career shaping up, Miss Kennard?

Tina: I don't have much of one, at the moment.

[She and Bette exchange glances.]

Tina: I left the studio about seven months ago.

Bette: Well, the thing is, daddy, Tina is doing something very special. Something for the both of us.

[The waiter comes to the table.]

Waiter: Hi, can I start anyone off with a drink this evening?

Melvin: Bette?

Bette: (to waiter) Um, I - I think we'll have a large bottle of Pellegrino.

Melvin: A Manhattan, sir.

Waiter: (nods) I'll get those right away, and I'll be back to take your order in a few minutes.

Tina: Thank you.

Bette: Um...

[Bette and Tina are holding hands on the table. Melvin looks down at the display. Bette lets go of Tina's hand, smiles almost apologetically to Melvin.]

Bette: Tina, would you like to tell him?

[Tina looks nervously from Melvin, back to Bette.]

Tina: (nervous chuckle) Um... okay! Uh, Melvin, Bette and I are having a baby.

Bette: (smiling) Daddy, we're having a baby.

Melvin: I don't understand.

Tina: (happy) I'm pregnant.

Melvin: And you're happy about that?

Tina: Of course.

Bette: Daddy!

Melvin: I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with the proper response.

[Bette and Tina aren't sure what to say to him, either.]

Bette: Well, um... this is something that... we've been trying to do for a very long time. We want this very much.

Melvin: I was unaware of that.

Bette: (smiling) Well, how do you feel about it?

Melvin: I'm not sure. This child - you're gonna be... taking care of it, and Miss Kennard?

Bette: Dad, we're a couple. We are starting a family.

Melvin: If that makes you happy.

Bette: Well, doesn't it make you happy? I mean, you're going to have another grandchild.

Melvin: That is biologically impossible.

[Bette and Tina frown.]

Melvin: Unless there's been a medical breakthrough that I don't know anything about, the possibility that this child... will be my grandchild... does not exist.

[Bette looks crushed.]

Melvin: Therefore, I am happy if that's what you want in your friendship with Miss Kennard. But, I cannot realistically be asked to participate in this fiction of your creation.

[Bette looks at Tina. They both look unhappy.]

[The waiter comes to the table and sets the drinks down.]

Waiter: Can I tell you about tonight's specials? (pouring drinks) We have Chilean sea bass with wilted spinach, a risotto with prosciutto ham and shitake mushrooms.

Tina: Could you give us just a minute, please?

Waiter: Of course.

[The waiter sets the bottle on the table and walks away.]

Tina: (to Melvin) Bette and I have gone through so much to get here. We've talked about how our child could truly reflect who we are when we're so limited by biology. That's why we've decided to use an African-American donor. So when we look at our child, and you look at your grandchild, we'll all be looking into a familial face.

Melvin: A black man is the father of this child?

Bette: The donor, dad, he's an African-American artist.

Melvin: An African-American. And because of that I'm supposed to feel closer to this child?

[Bette and Tina look down. Bette folds her arms.]

Melvin: (to Bette) Because all of us blacks are somehow connected? We can traced back to some tribe in Africa, where we were beating drums? That is absurd. You are an Ivy-League-educated woman. How is this logical?

Bette: Dad.

[Bette and Melvin exchange hurt looks. Tina seems distant. The waiter comes back to the table.]

Waiter: Just to tell you the rest of our specials, we also have salt-crusted cod, and that comes with lovely raspberry-infused artichoke hearts and a light lemon vinaigrette.

[Melvin looks from the waiter, to Tina, then to Bette. Bette looks despondent.]

Waiter: Would anyone like to start?

Tina: (getting up) I'm sorry. I don't feel so well.

Bette: (getting up) Do you have to go to the bathroom?

Tina: (to Bette) No. I think I'm just gonna go home.

[Melvin stands.]

Bette: Well, then, I'll - I'll take you.

Tina: No. Stay. (to Melvin) It was really nice seeing you again, Melvin.

Melvin: I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I'll have Bette back to you in no time.

[Tina walks away. Bette helplessly watches her go. Melvin sits. The waiter comes back to the table.]

Melvin: I am going to have...

[Bette slowly takes her seat. She looks extremely sad.]

Melvin: ... uh... the sea bass.

[Bette sadly looks up at her father.]


[Tim and Jenny sit on a couch together in the lobby. Tim flips through a large, white Holy Bible sitting on the coffee table. Elevator music plays in the background.]

[Tim flips through the Bible and finds the page he wants. He slowly runs his finger down the page. We see definitions for words beginning with the letter "H" - holy, Holy Spirit, homage, homosexuality. Beneath each definition are listed passages that reference the word. Tim's finger stops on "homosexuality". The definition is obscured, but the words "with a person of the same s*x" are seen. Tim reads.]

[The sound of a door opening upstairs.]

Woman: Yoohoo! (comes downstairs) Hey there lovebirds.

[Tim and Jenny stand. The woman walks over to them.]

Woman: Come this way.

[They follow the woman into a small chapel area. Several chairs are set up for attendants; there are flowers and everywhere and the room is done in pink. An older man sits in the one of the chairs, snoozing.]

Woman: Jerry, get up! (to Tim/Jenny) Now, you've both given this a lot of thought?

Jenny: (looking around) (smiling) Uh, yes.

Woman: You sure?

Jenny: Uh-huh.

[Tim nods.]

Woman: Well, I didn't mean to scare you. Uh, you didn't run away or anything, did you?

[The woman stands behind a podium on the stage. Tim and Jenny stand in front of the podium.]

Jenny: No.

Tim: No.

Woman: You pregnant?

Jenny: (shaking head) Mm-mm.

Woman: In love?

Jenny: (smiling) Yes.

Woman: Good! I like to make sure. Now, this is my husband, Jerry. He will be your witness.

[Jerry smiles and nods.]

Jenny: Hey. (to woman) How long have you guys been married?

Woman: Uh... what is it, 32 years?

Jerry: (unexcited) In March.

Woman: (to Tim/Jenny) See? It's good to be sure. Now, you will, uh, stand over here (pointing) and you will stand here (pointing).

[Tim and Jenny exchange spots so that Tim is on Jenny's right.]

Woman: And, remember, this is the beginning of the rest of your life, so why don't you both kiss? I think that's a good way to start out.

[Tim and Jenny hesitate, then turn to one another. Jenny kisses him. He doesn't seem into it. Jenny smiles, purposefully oblivious.]

Woman: Okay! Well, let's start.


[Jerry unlocks the door and turns on some lamps. The room is an average motel room, but this one's subtly lit with pink light. The muffled sound of highway traffic is heard from outside.]

Jerry: Checkout's 12. If you want a decent breakfast, don't go across the street. You can, uh, drive up 90, one mile, you can go to Pancake House. It's on the left.

[Jerry hands Tim a bottle of champagne.]

Jerry: Have a good night.

Tim: (smiling) Thank you.

[Jenny looks around the room excitedly as Jerry leaves. Once Jerry is gone, Jenny runs to the bed and jumps on it a few times, before collapsing on it happily. Tim smiles at her and walks toward the bed.]

Tim: Um...

Jenny: A toast! Yes!

Tim: (to Jenny, re: champagne) What do you think?

Jenny: (standing on bed) Yes! Um, glasses.

Tim: Oh, should I go get some?

Jenny: (hops off bed) (happy) No, allow me, please. (giggles)

[Jenny very happily bounces into the bathroom and retrieves a couple of plastic drinking cups. She skips back to Tim.]

Jenny: (smiling) Okay.

Tim: (taking wrapper off bottle) Allright, stand back for this one.

Jenny: (whispers, joking) I am not afraid.

[Tim wraps his hand around the top of the bottle and carefully pulls the cork out in his palm. He pours some champagne in the cups that Jenny holds out.]

Jenny: Very smooth.

[Tim grins as he pours.]

Jenny: Okay. I propose a toast.

[Tim sets the bottle down. Jenny hands him a cup.]

Jenny: Okay.

[Tim goes to drink the champagne.]

Jenny: Uh!

[Jenny waves at him to not drink yet.]

Jenny: To... (hand over her heart) Mr. and Mrs. Haspel.

[Jenny clinks her plastic cup to his.]

Jenny: Aww.

[Tim chuckles. Jenny winds her arm through his for the traditional newlywed drink. They drink a little.]

Jenny: That minister, um, was pretty great, wasn't she?

Tim: (a beat) Why? Because she's a woman?

[Tim sits on the edge of the bed.]

Jenny: No...

[Jenny slides onto Tim's lap and wraps an arm around his shoulder. She runs her other hand across his chest, then under his t-shirt. Tim looks uncomfortable. Jenny kisses his cheek, then his chest.]

Tim: Uh... could you just... uh... take a shower?

[Jenny stops. Her smile fades.]

Tim: (quietly) Please.

[Jenny stares at him for a long time.]

Jenny: (whispering) Yeah.

[Jenny takes her arm from around his shoulder, slowly walks into the bathroom. She leans against the counter and stares at herself in the mirror. She turns around.]

Jenny: (closing door) Excuse me. I'm sorry.

[Tim sips his champagne.]


[A modest apartment with a lived-in look. Some shirts hang on pegs on the back of the front door, there's a bead curtain in the kitchen doorway, and the livingroom is decorated with retro furniture.]

[A knock at the door. Lara goes to answer it. It's Dana, still in her getup from the evening. Dana has some seriously apologetic puppy dog eyes going. Lara sees her and looks sad.]

Lara: Come in.

[Dana steps inside and closes the door. They stand in the hallway. Lara has her arms crossed and looks down as Dana talks.]

Lara: (folding arms) So, how was the party?

Dana: I know you hate me right now. And I don't blame you. I should've called. I know. I always mess things up.

[Dana hesitantly touches Lara's arm.]

Dana: Did I mess everything up? I'm sorry. It's just that... you just - you make me so happy. (voice wavering) And that's not a very familiar feeling. You know? (steps closer) Can I please try again?

[Dana brushes the hair from Lara's eyes. Lara finally looks up at her.]

Dana: I really wanna try again.

[Lara finally unfolds her arms. She puts her hands on Dana's waist.]

Dana: (voice wavering) Can I?

[Dana tries to kiss Lara, but Lara backs away a little.]

Lara: One thing.

Dana: Anything.

[Dana takes Lara's hand and leads her into the livingroom.]

Lara: You have to at least take some steps towards being out.

[They sit on the couch, close, facing each other.]

I will.

Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.

I know.

And you are really really gay.

I know.

You know, it's one of the things I like so much about you.

When you hide that, you're hiding the best part.

Hey, little sister! Roger invited the band over.

They have the night off.

What we have here is the Roger Supreme Special.

You want some of this little sister? No, thanks, I'm good.

All the more for me.

Baby, can you - can you eat that out there? Or better yet, eat that in the bedroom so nobody sees you so I don't have to make another one, okay? And thank you for mine, okay? You're my baby, you know that.

Whassup? I saw dad tonight.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just Hey, it's not like we talk or anything.

It's cool, it's cool.

So what happened? It was unbelievable.

He was so horrible.

I mean, and he's never been that way with me.

And I told him about the baby.

And basically he said that he would never consider the baby to be his grandchild.

Bette Bette, what did you expect? He's a old-fashioned man.

A bigot in his own right.

Someone's gotta talk some sense into you about that man because he is not the saint you think he is.

Kit! Oh, girl, c'mon, you never want to hear the truth! You are so brainwashed.

What do you trade to feel his pride, hm? I have to go.


You do.

What is it? Dad, it's me, Katy.

If you want to see me, you could arrange a meeting at a more appropriate hour.

I figured you were up doing your 5 A.



So I was.

That's a lot of years without changing.

It appears to be mutual.

It has been a long time, hasn't it? Well, yes.

This is what happens, isn't it? These are the consequences of your actions.

I'm not here to talk about me, dad.

I'm here for Bette.

She sent you here? No, I came on my own.

She showed up at my apartment upset over what happened between the two of you.

Do you know the situation? I'm supposed to call a child not even related to me a grandchild.

And would that be the end of the world? No.

It would be a lie.

Oh, and you don't ever do that, do you? I don't know what she expected from you, and, I don't understand who she thinks you are.

If what you have in mind is to exploit the situation with your sister, so that you can come up here and insult me, I will not allow it.

And and, if you had lived some kind of life of decency and respectability, then, possibly, I would be your audience.

But not now You should be careful not to take your anger over what happened between you and me out on Bette.

She's been hurt enough by that.

All she wants is your blessing.

Why would you deny her that? For biology? Don't turn Bette away from you because you can't find it in yourself to accept her situation.

She thinks the world of you.

You reject her and Tina's child and that's just what you'll be doing.

Do you really wanna do that? Open your door 13 years later and see your daughter's face, older and a stranger's? I got David's note, I know you made him write me.

Only a suggestion.

I thought it might help keep you on track.

Would you give him this? His return address on the envelope was some office at the school.

Where's the fire? You been drinkin'? I had a glass of champagne to celebrate after I got married.

Got married? Earlier.

At Tahoe.

Where's your wife? I left her in the motel room.

Would you mind stepping out of the car, please? Earlier today, I caught my wife, my my fianc´┐Że I walked in on her cheating on me.

But you married her? What's going through your head, son? I don't know.

She was the one I thought I'd spend forever with.

Well, uh, don't tell me you're, uh, going back to where you came from the kill the guy.

It was a woman.

You ever watch pornography? You don't have to answer that.

We all do.

You know, we spend our whole lives watchin' p0rn.

We never see the warning.

There it is.

You know that scene, where, uh, two women are gettin' it on? Guy comes in, he's all hard, y'know, he's gonna give it to 'em, he's gonna f*ck 'em good.

We think that's what those chicks want.

The meat.

That's not it.

They're having a good time without him.

They're going down on each other, you know, they're, uh they're up in there, they're licking everything, a guy comes in, he's ready to unload that's not what they want.

They got their eyes squinted up, like, uh someone's gonna pour gasoline on 'em.

There's your warning.

That's why this country's homosexuals are so dangerous.

When you got two people they got the same equipment and they both know how to treat it how could anybody of the opposite s*x compete with that? That's how they get ya.

You, uh try to drive the speed limit, okay? I will.

Tim? Tim