01x11 - Looking Back

[title card: Los Angeles, California - 1979]

[A party by a pool. Disco music plays. Several people are milling around, some are dancing. Waitresses in skimpy outfits serve drinks to people. A couple of people are snorting cocaine. A guy sits on the couch, smoking pot.]

Cheering Guy #1: Check it out.

Cheering Guy #1/#2: Oh yeah! Oh baby! Yeah!

Cheering Guy #1: Please! Please!

[A couple of topless women in the pool swim to each other. Several men sitting around by the pool gather around, shouting for them to kiss and make out.]

Cheering Guy #1: The more the merrier!

Cheering Guy #2: Yeah, all the way, yeah!

[A third woman approaches the female couple in the pool. The men get excited and start shouting louder for the women to do something.]

[main titles]

EXT. - THE PLANET - EARLY MORNING

[It's still dark outside. Bette and Tina are walking to The Planet.]

Bette: I was thinking about asking Yolanda's ex-girlfriend to bid on the "Provocations" job.

Tina: Is she a contractor?

Bette: Carpenter. She's got an all-woman crew.

Tina: That's cool. You should definitely hire her.

INT. - THE PLANET - EARLY MORNING

[Bette and Tina enter The Planet. The gang's all there. Marina's behind the counter, making coffee. Shane's at the counter, pouring coffee. Alice and her mom, Lenore, are sitting at a table nearby.]

Tina: Hi!

Shane: Hey!

Alice: Oh, hey guys!

Bette: Hi!

[Tina stands next to Shane at the counter.]

Tina: (to Marina) Hello.

Marina: Hello!

Alice: (to Bette) Good morning!

[Dana and Kit are sitting on a couch. Dana's cat, Mr. Piddles, is in a travel crate on the coffee table.]

Mr. Piddles: Meow!

Dana: (to Kit) The most important thing are his pills. He gets them, um, three times a day - it's right here.

[Dana flips open a long list of instructions and points out to Kit the part about the pills.]

Dana: See, (reading) "three times a day with wet food," and um... and it's best to sort of let him wake up on his own because he's...

Mr. Piddles: Meow!

Dana: ... less crabby about taking them that way. (looks at crate) But he should... he should be okay. (to Mr. Piddles) Right, P?

[Dana pokes at the travel crate. Kit leans forward to see the cat.]

Dana: (silly voice) Right Mr. P?

[Shane, at the counter, hands Bette and Tina some coffee.]

Shane: Wow, you are up so early, Bette.

Bette: Yeah, well, I guess it's just the excitement of the trip!

Tina: That she's too busy to go on.

Bette: (hugging Tina) Yeah, but someone's ready to party for the both of us.

Shane: That's right. Right on, huh?

Tina: Yeah, let's go.

[Shane and Tina high-five each other.]

Shane: Yes.

Mr. Piddles: Meow!

Shane: (to Alice) Um... was Jenny's a regular latte?

Mr. Piddles: Meow!

Marina: Is Jenny going with you?

[Bette squeezes Tina's shoulder and goes to sit down.]

Tina: (to Marina) I invited her. I felt bad for her. She's all alone.

Marina: (smiling) Well that's good. I guess.

[Dana has Mr. Piddles out of his crate. She's scratching his neck.]

Dana: (to Mr. Piddles) (silly voice) Say bye, everybody! I'm gonna stay with Auntie Kit while mom goes away with all of her friends. Right? Say bye Shane...

Mr. Piddles: Meow!

Dana: (to Mr. Piddles) (silly voice) ... bye Lenore, bye Bette and Tina, have fun in Palm Springs!

[Dana waves Mr. Piddles paws at everyone.]

Kit: Yes, Mr. P, Auntie Kit will watch your back.

[Dana scratches Mr. Piddles' neck.]

Dana: Thank you so much, Kit.

[Alice comes running in from the bathroom, up to her mother.]

Alice: Woohoo, congratulate me, I got my period.

Lenore: Oh!

[Lenore and Alice hug.]

Bette: So why are we congratulating you?

Alice: (smiling) Hm?

[Shane looks at Dana. Alice looks at Dana. Dana frowns.]

Alice: 'Cause I love getting my period.

Lenore: She does! Ever since she was a - kid.

Alice: Right! No, no, no, 'cause it reaffirms my womanhood. I - like to celebrate it, to... you know... show women everywhere it's a blessing, it's not a curse. (smiling) 'Kay! You guys. (waves arm) Road trip? Let's go!

[Alice heads out.]

Shane: See ya, Kit.

[Kit waves.]

Shane: Bye, Bette.

[Bette and Tina kiss and hug.]

Tina: I'll call ya.

Bette: Have a slippery nipple for me.

Mr. Piddles: Meow!

[Dana gives Mr. Piddles to Kit and gets up to go.]

Dana: Goodbye P Man.

Kit: Bye mommy!

Dana: Goodbye P Man!

Kit: Bye!

[Everyone piles out to the car. Bette watches everyone go.]

Lenore: (to Bette) By the way. You were amazing on Insight with George Parson, I mean absolutely amazing. I really applaud your cause and your commitment and... (sighs) God, that bitch, Fae Buckley, you should've decked her!

Bette: (smiling) Thank you.

Lenore: (laughing) It was great.

[Lenore leaves. Kit pets Mr. Piddles. Bette looks down and sighs.]

EXT. - HIGHWAY - EARLY MORNING

[The sun is just barely beginning to hint at rising. Cars on both sides of the highway whoosh by.]

INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - EARLY MORNING

[Alice is driving. Lenore is in the passenger seat. Jenny and Dana sit in the middle seat, and Tina and Shane sit in the very back. Everyone's half-sleeping and sipping on coffee.]

Jenny: (to Alice) So, is this a golf tournament?

Alice: Yeah, it's the Kraft-Nabisco Professional Women's Golf Tournament. Otherwise known as the Dinah Shore Weekend.

Jenny: Is she gay?

Alice: No. Dinah Shore's dead. She died back in '94. And, actually, the word is that she hated her snooty little golf tournament turned into a spring break for lesbians. Refused to acknowledge it. (to group) You guys, there's supposed to be, like, 10,000 women there.

[Jenny gasps.]

Tina: Whoa.

Shane: Oh, god.

Tina: (smiling) She's done research.

Alice: Yeah, I'm doing a story on it for The Weekly. Gotta make something outta this lame-ass weekend, right?

Tina: And Dana's getting an HRC award.

Alice: Yeah. We're totally proud of her.

Jenny: What's that?

[Dana smiles.]

Tina: It's the Human Rights Campaign. It's the biggest gay civil rights organization in the country. It's a huge deal.

Jenny: Congratulations.

Dana: Thank you.

[Later...]

[The group is singing the Indigo Girls "Closer to Fine".]

Everyone: (singing way off-key) "I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains, there's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line..."

Alice: (deep) Yeah!

[Everyone kind of botches the next line.]

Everyone: (singing) "The less I seek my source for some definitive..."

[Everyone giggles.]

Everyone: (singing) "The closer I am to fiii-iiine, yeah!"

[Everyone giggles. Lenore closes her eyes.]

[Much later...]

[The sky is lit up with a beautiful sunrise. And the gang is still on the highway, still singing "Closer to Fine."]

Everyone: (singing) "The closer i am to fiii-iiine, yeah!"

[Lenore is a little worn-out from listening to the repetitive singing. She turns to the group in the backseat. Everyone starts whistling the the song, also botching that.]

Everyone: (whistling the whistle solo of "Closer to Fine")

[The whistling fades, and everyone's pretty much done singing the song. Lenore huffs in relief.]

Lenore: Thank god! (to group) Do you know how many times I had to hear that song when Alice was first coming out of the closet? (to Alice) It was a nightmare. It was all about Annie Flaherty. (laughs) Tell them your coming out story, honey. It's so hilarious!

Alice: First of all, it's not my coming out story. It was just a drunk high school grope.

Tina: Tell us your coming out story.

Lenore: Well, they got hammered, the two of them. And then they scampered under the bleachers (laughing) for a smoke, which of course she was not allowed to do. (laughing) And... just as they were about to kiss...

[Lenore laughs. Alice looks at her.]

Lenore: (laughing) Annie vomited all over Alice!

Everyone: (laughing) Ohh!

Alice: Now, my real coming out story? That happened in college. My boyfriend Greg and I had this band called Butter. And we played every weekend at The Tap Room ...

FLASH BACK - INT. - THE TAP ROOM

Alice: (voice over) ... which was like our little bar on campus.

[A college-aged Alice, with long, dark, messy hair, struts out onto a stage where her band is set up. The small audience cheers. Young Alice shouts into the mic as she heads for her guitar.]

Young Alice: (mic) Butter rules!

[The audience cheers. Alice picks up her guitar. The lead singer, Greg, shouts something into the mic and the band begins to play.]

Alice: (voice over) It was three guys and me. And, I don't know, I wasn't that into it, but, Greg thought we could go all the way.

[Young Alice and Greg and their drummer Dave are jamming, until they notice that they have no bassist. The stop.]

Audience: Aww!

Greg: Hey. Where's Brad?

Young Alice: Where the f*ck is Brad?

Alice: (voice over) But anyway, our bass player quits one day, right?

[Later...]

[The bar is now mostly empty. Greg, Dave and Young Alice have a small table near the stage. They're pigging out on beer, burgers and cigarettes. They're auditioning bassists, none of which look too interesting.]

Alice: (voice over) So we had three days to find a new one. So, we hold these auditions, and all these guys come and they couldn't play bass to save their lives.

[The Tap Room waiter brings the group burgers and a pitcher of beer.]

Greg: Get your feet off the table!

[Greg smacks Young Alice's feet away. She puts her feet down and leers at him.]

Greg: Show some respect.

[Later...]

[A new bassist is auditioning. Young Alice sits in Greg's lap, goofing off, occasionally looking over at the auditioning bassists.]

[Later...]

[Another auditioner. Dave is lighting a cigarette.]

Young Alice: (yelling) Dave, give me my last f*cking cigarette!

[The waiter brings another pitcher of beer. Greg snatches the cigarette out of Dave's mouth.]

Young Alice: (to Dave) Cock!

[Young Alice snatches the cigarette from Greg.]

[Later...]

[Another auditioner. Young Alice straddles Greg's lap, goofing off again. She looks back at the bassist.]

[The bassist plays unspectacularly. Alice sticks her tongue out and blows a raspberry at him, loudly.]

Alice: (voice over) And then? Tayo walks on stage.

[A young girl, Tayo, auditions. She plays slowly, smiling at Young Alice.]

[Young Alice is sitting in Greg's lap again, but the sound of the bass distracts her. She looks over and is captivated by Tayo.]

Young Alice: (to Greg) Don't f*cking touch me! God!

[Young Alice pushes Greg's hands off her and leans forward to watch Tayo more closely. Tayo plays smoothly and confidently, smiling at Young Alice. Young Alice is totally smitten.]

INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY

Alice: We're famous in our little college universe. I mean, people are coming just to see us.

FLASH BACK - INT. - THE TAP ROOM

[Butter is jamming in front of a large crowd. The lights wash the stage in blue, red, yellow. Young Alice, on guitar, faces Tayo, on bass. They play as the crowd cheers. They get closer.]

Alice: (voice over) And me and Tayo? (chuckles) We had amazing chemistry on stage.

[Young Alice and Tayo suddenly start kissing. The crowd goes wild. Greg stands by, watching, kind of curious. Dave bangs on the drums. Men and women in the audience are howling and cheering.]

[Young Alice finally realizes they're in front of a large crowd. She and Tayo stop kissing. Tayo smiles. Young Alice seems to be embarrassed, but then she looks out to the crowd and gives a big "I rule" grin. The band starts to jam again and the crowd goes wild.]

INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY

[The gang is snacking on soft drinks, burgers and fries from Burger King. Tina is driving now. Jenny sits in the passenger seat. Alice and her mom are in the middle, and Shane and Dana are in the back.]

Alice: Tayo and I only lasted about 2 months. After me, she went through every gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered organization on campus. Totally broke my heart.

Dana: That's why you're a dirty bisexual, huh?

[Alice looks back at Dana. Dana sips her drink.]

Alice: Let's hear your story.

Dana: Oh, that's not nice, you know I can't do that.

Jenny: Why?

Lenore: It's probably fresh wounds.

Alice: It was 12 years ago, mom.

Dana: God, she was beautiful.

[Dana stares out the window at the passing scenery. Shane looks at her.]

Dana: It was at tennis camp. I was 16, she was 17.

FLASH BACK - INT. - TENNIS CAMP - DORMS - DAY

[The girl in question comes up the stairs to the dorms. We only see her legs.]

Ralph: Everybody, out on the courts, c'mon!

Dana: (voice over) She was my counselor. I'd tell you her name, but she's famous now, so...

[The camera pans up. The counselor faces away from the camera so we can't see her face.]

Dana: (voice over) I can't. I'll just call her Ralph.

[Everyone but Dana leaves. The counselor approaches her. Dana looks nervous.]

Ralph: Aren't you ready, yet?

INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY

Dana: God, she had the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen.

FLASH BACK - INT. - TENNIS CAMP - DORMS - DAY

[Ralph's face is pixilated out so that we can't see it. She and Dana start to kiss.]

Dana: I love you Stephanie.

[There's a beep when Dana says "Stephanie", so that we don't hear the name.]

Ralph: I love you more.

[They smile and kiss.]

INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY

Tina: What happened next?

Dana: She needed to tell somebody about it, right, so she wrote her best friend at home and told her about us and how in love we were, and uh, her friend told her parents. Her parents yanked her out of tennis camp like that. (snaps fingers)

FLASH BACK - INT. - TENNIS CAMP - DORMS - DAY

[Ralph's parents escort her down the stairs, bags in hand, out of the dorm. Dana stands helpless at the top of the stairs, watching them go.]

Mother: (to Ralph) C'mon, c'mon.

Father: (to Mother) Honey, we'll talk it over.

Mother: (to Father) I don't know about it right now. Just go, please.

[Dana waves to Ralph. Ralph looks up at Dana, unable to wave back. Ralph's parents glare at Dana before they walk out of sight. Dana backs away from the stairs and just stands there, alone.]

INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY

[Dana thoughtfully reflects on the distant memory.]

Dana: After that, I ran into her at a few matches, and... she wouldn't even look at me. So anyway, that's it.

Lenore: Tennis players are like girls in college: gay until graduation.

[Everyone chuckles.]

INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

[Someone knocks at Bette's door. It's James. He opens the door.]

James: Hey, I'm sorry to bother you -

Bette: James? You don't have to say you're sorry every time you have something to tell me.

James: Oh, I'm sorry - um - a Candace Jewell's here to see you.

Bette: Um... can you tell her I'll meet her in the conference room?

James: Okay.

[James closes the door.]

[Bette closes her laptop and sighs, then gathers up some plans and heads out.]

INT. - THE C.A.C. - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

[Candace stands next to Bette as Bette points out the building plans which she's laid out on the table.]

Bette: So, I think we'll dedicate this gallery to two artists: Isabella Pernao, who does these amazing large-screen video installations, who I think should be on this wall; and Ray Fields' work should be on the other wall. He does, uh, hand-drawn, lettered books, so we're gonna need to construct some display cases for those.

[Bette brushes her own hair from her face. She leans back so Candace can get a closer look at the plans, or so she can look at Candace a little better.]

Candace: It's just like theater-set construction.

Bette: Is that a good thing?

Candace: Well, I did it in college. I loved it.

Bette: Oh.

[Candace leans over to look at the plans. She points to them as she speaks.]

Candace: Look. Uh, what if, instead of wall-mounting, we were to construct some free-standing scaffolding here?

[Bette glances over Candace's shoulders and arms but quickly looks away, up at the ceiling.]

Candace: You know, work something like shoji screens? I think it would really make the space more dynamic for displaying the work.

[Bette smiles at Candace, impressed.]

Bette: (smiling) Hm. Well, how long would it take you to get me a bid?

Candace: I don't know. Today?

Bette: (smiling) That would be great.

Candace: (smiling) Okay.

INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY

[The minivan passes a highway sign that says it's 8 miles to Beaumont, 36 miles to Palm Springs and 57 miles to Indio.]

Lenore: Okay, then. My coming out story also involves someone famous.

[Jenny looks at Tina, shocked.]

Jenny: (mouthing the words) Is she gay?

Tina: (mouthing the words) (shaking head) No.

[Jenny smiles.]

Lenore: It was the 70s... and every weekend, I went to one of these parties at (makes air quotes) the mansion...

[Alice gives a look to Dana and Shane who're sitting behind her.]

Lenore: ... which of course was full of swingers and orgies and drugs.

EXT. - POOL PARTY - NIGHT

[We're back at the party from the opening sequence. A man is snorting a couple of lines of cocaine off a glass-top table.]

Lenore: (voice over) As I'm sure you girls know.

INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY

[Shane and Dana smile at each other as Lenore continues.]

Lenore: So, one night, there was an ex of mine that I hadn't seen in years and he was sitting right there in the living room. And all I could think of to say to him was (chuckles), "I thought I told you to wait in the car?"

[Dana and Shane chuckle.]

Alice: Mom, that is straight out of Tallulah Bankhead's biography.

Lenore: That doesn't mean that I didn't say it.

[Alice shakes her head.]

Lenore: Anyway. Where was I. Hmm, the pool! Well, I don't want to be indiscreet here, but there was an incident in a pool with two girls... and um... I mean...

EXT. - POOL PARTY - NIGHT

Lenore: (voice over) These girls were real knockouts. I mean, most of the girls that went to those parties were knockouts, but...

[The two women from the opening sequence now approach Lenore, who's sitting against the wall in the pool, near the throngs of men who've gathered around the cheer the women on. Lenore smiles at them as they approach.]

Lenore: (voice over) ... they were giving each other a tonsil inspection that would've made a doctor blush. So I decided, what they hey! And joined in. (laughs) What can I say?

[But instead of going for Lenore, as Lenore tells it, the girls reach over her and take a joint from one of the guys by the pool, and swim off. Lenore smiles, and the guys clear out.]

Lenore: (voice over) One thing led to another...

INT. - MINIVAN - HIGHWAY - DAY

[Lenore stares out the window.]

Lenore: It was hot.

[Alice crinkles her brow at her mother. Shane laughs. Lenore sips on her drink.]

Alice: Okay, Shane, do you wanna share your story?

Shane: (clears throat) Yeah, um... that's easy. Tiffany Gardner. She was this gorgeous blonde who lived down the street.

FLASH BACK - EXT. - A PARK - DAY

Shane: (voice over) And I used to sit for hours and watch her play in the park.

[A few kids are playing in a park. The camera scans around until we see a girl, about 8 years old, sitting on a bench. This is Shane.]

Shane: (voice over) And then one day, I thought, "You know what? f*ck this. Enough's enough. I'm gonna meet this chick."

[Young Shane gets up, gathers up her Sunshine Meal, and walks over to the sandbox.]

Shane: (voice over) So. I pack up my Sunshine Meal and I walk over to her, and she's just sitting the in the sand, playing hard to get. And I knew I was f*cked.

[Tiffany Gardner, about the same age, sits in the sandbox by herself, making dirt pies. Shane kneels next to her and hands her the toy that was in her Sunshine Meal. The girl takes it and looks at it.]

Shane: (voice over) That girl took my Sunshine Meal toy. Then she took my heart.

INT. - MINIVAN - DAY

[The minivan pulls to a stop in front of a condo.]

Alice: Okay! Perfect timing. Here we are.

[Alice whips open one of the side-doors on the minivan and hops out.]

Alice: Um, Jenny, will you open the door for my mom?

Lenore: (to Shane) That reminds me of this beautiful but tragic lesbian who once passed out on my kitchen floor. And I'll never forget, John Cassavetes and Gena Rowlands had come for lunch that day and of course they had had a couple of drinks, as had I, and just as they walk in the kitchen (chuckles) she wakes up, and the -

Alice: Mom! I think your phone's ringing!

[The phone in Lenore's condo is heard ringing.]

Lenore: Oh, let me just finish my story. So she wakes up, just at that moment -

[The phone rings.]

Alice: Uh, maybe it's your new agent?

Lenore: Oh, my god, you're right!

[Lenore jumps out of the minivan and runs inside.]

Tina: Bye Lenore!

Alice: (whispering) Thank god, you guys!

Dana: Bye Lenore!

Jenny: Bye, Lenore...

[Alice signals Dana to get out and help her.]

Alice: You know what? Dana, help me.

Dana: What?

Alice: Just help me!

[Dana gets out of the minivan. Alice thrusts one of Lenore's bags into her hand.]

Alice: Just help grab a bag!

Dana: I can get that one. Just -

Alice: Grab a bag!

Dana: I can get it!

[Alice takes off for Lenore's front door.]

Alice: C'mon!

[Alice and Dana jog up to Lenore's front door, drop the bags, and run back to the minivan.]

Alice: (yelling to Lenore) Mom, I left the, uh, bags on the porch! (to Jenny) Get in, get in the car! Go!

Dana: Bye Lenore!

[Jenny, Alice and Dana jump into the minivan and close the doors.]

Alice: (to Tina) Go, go, go, go, go!

[Tina takes off. Everyone laughs at Alice.]

Alice: Oh, my god, am I going to hell for that? Allright, thank you guys, your asses were in this van so fast. C'mon.

[Everyone laughs at Alice again.]

Shane: Poor Lenore.

[Alice's cell phone rings. She answers it.]

Alice: f*ck. (phone) Hello? No, M - Hi, no! (listening) No, no, no, of course not! No, it's just - we didn't know how long you were gonna be, and Dana has gotta uh - uh, register for the event.

[Dana chuckles and rolls her eyes at Alice.]

[The minivan is on the main highway through town now.]

Alice: (phone) So, yeah. (listening) Okay, yeah, of course! Of course! I will! Okay, I'll talk to you soon. Okay, bye. (hangs up) She was making us crazy, right? I mean... (to Dana) Right?

Dana: Yeah!

EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - DAY

[The minivan pulls up in front of a hotel.]

INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY

[Jenny, Dana, Shane, Tina and Alice walk into the hotel lobby, each laden with baggage. The hotel lobby is filled with women of every kind, many of them also carrying or towing assorted pieces of baggage. Everyone is walking around, talking, visiting, meeting each other.]

[Olivia Cruises has a booth, off to the right side of the room. Women are gathered around it, picking up brochures.]

[It's the promised land. Alice looks around in awe, then raises a camera and snaps a photo of the crowd.]

[A woman in a blazer and wielding a clipboard - Tonya - calls out from nearby. She dashes over to Dana and the others.]

Tonya: Dana? Dana Fairbanks.

[Tonya grins widely and shakes Dana's hand quickly. Dana smiles at her.]

Tonya: (smiling) I'm Tonya, Guest Liaison, I'm here to take care of all your needs.

Dana: (smiling) Oh!

[Tonya quickly goes to take the bag Dana's carrying off her shoulder.]

Tonya: Let me get this for ya.

[Tonya smiles at Dana and takes the bag off Dana's shoulder and calls out to someone nearby.]

Tonya: Excuse me! This is Dana Fairbanks, okay? I need someone to take her stuff to her room, Suite 251.

[Tonya sets the bags down for someone off-camera. She then takes Dana's arm and is about to walk off with her.]

Tonya: So, are you alone?

Dana: Uh, no, I'm with friends. (points)

[Everyone smiles. Tina waves.]

Tonya: Did you want to bring them to the dinner? I'm sure I can get them tickets. I need you in a photoshoot in about an hour, but I just need to make a few calls -

Tina: (smiling) Uh, we'll be fine.

Alice: Yeah, we don't wanna cramp Dana's style.

Tonya: Oh! Okay!

[Tonya puts her arm in Dana's and walks off with her.]

Tonya: So glad to have you here, I'm gonna have to protect you from some of the staff! (laughs)

[Alice and Tina share a knowing glance. The group follows Tonya and Dana from a distance. Dana smiles huge.]

Tonya: Seriously, though. I am here to act as a buffer between you and your fans, okay, that is part of my job.

[Dana grins from ear to ear.]

Dana: (nodding) Okay.

[Tonya lets go of Dana's arm and faces her.]

Tonya: Now. Uh, I'm gonna give you the key to your room.

[Tonya hands her the keycard for her room.]

Dana: Thanks.

Tonya: And here's my card. I'm going to give you my cell phone number and I want you to use it if you need anything at all.

[Tonya takes out a business card and puts it on her clipboard. She writes on it.]

Dana: Okay.

[The others watch. Tina and Alice raises their brows at each other, smiling. Shane watches with a quiet curiosity. Jenny looks completely out of it.]

Tonya: I'm talking about a second opinion on what kind of shoes to wear. You just call me? Okay?

Dana: (chuckling) Okay.

Tonya: And I'll see ya in an hour.

Dana: (smiling) Okay!

Tonya: Okay.

Dana: Thanks!

Tonya: Bye ladies.

[Dana has a big, goofy grin on her face.]

Dana: Bye!

Tina: Buh-bye.

[Dana grins at Tina.]

Tina: Wow.

[Alice steps forward and watches Tonya walk off.]

Alice: Does that thing come with batteries, Dana?

Dana: Huh?

[Alice holds up her camera and snaps a shot and walks off. Tina and the gang follow her.]

EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY

[Dance music is heard. The pool and everything around the pool is crawling with women.]

EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SUITE 251 - BALCONY - DAY

[The gang is standing out on the balcony, which overlooks the massive pool and the huge party going on down there.]

Jenny: Oh, my god. I have never seen so many women in one place in my whole life.

Alice: And everyone one of 'em is greased up and ready to go.

Tina: We should go down there, you guys.

[Around the pool, the party rages. Women of every kind, many wearing bathing suits, are swimming, dancing, visiting, walking around, talking, laughing, having a great time.]

INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SUITE 251 - DAY

[Dana is checking her hair in the bathroom mirror. She's dressed up in a white suit. She comes into the main area.]

Dana: Guys? Guys?

[Everyone is out on the balcony, girl-watching. They turn around to see what Dana wants.]

Dana: Is this suit too conservative? I brought a dress. Tell me what you think.

[Dana picks up a tan and white dress off the bed and holds it up. Alice gives a disapproving look. Dana frowns.]

Tina: The suit's great.

Dana: Thanks.

[Someone knocks on the door. Alice goes to answer it. It's Tonya.]

Tonya: Hi. Is Dana here?

Alice: (laughing) Uh-huh. Yeah.

[Dana approaches Tonya.]

Tonya: Wow, you look phenomenal. But I bet you would in anything that you wear.

[Dana smiles. Alice doesn't. Tonya hands something to Alice.]

Tonya: Um, here's some passes to some of the events, and a chance to win an Olivia cruise.

Alice: (smiling) Thanks Tonya.

[Alice turns around and goes to sit on the bed with Shane and Tina.]

Tonya: So, um, are you ready to go?

Dana: Uh-huh!

Tonya: Excellent. Well, I've got my work cut out for me with you!

[Dana laughs.]

Tonya: People are gonna be all over you tonight.

[Tonya opens the door to leave.]

Tonya: (to Shane/Alice/Tina) Bye girls!

[Tina waves.]

Alice: Oh, yeah! Thank you!

Shane: Bye, have fun. Thank you again!

[Dana smiles at the group as she walks out.]

Dana: Bye...

[Tonya and Dana leave.]

Alice: Thank you.

[Tina holds her hand out for one of the passes that Tonya gave Alice.]

Tina: What's this?

[Alice hands the pass to Tina.]

INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

[Bette's office door is open. Candace knocks on it and enters.]

Bette: Oh.

Candace: I have your estimate for you.

[Candace hands Bette a notebook. Bette looks at it for a moment, then smiles and laughs.]

Bette: Okay. Um... this is 50 dollars more than the highest bidder.

[Candace smiles and reaches for the notebook.]

Candace: May I?

[She starts to write on a page.]

Candace: Have you ever seen this?

[She hands the notebook back to Bette. On a page, she's drawn a triangle. On each side of the triangle, she's written a word: Fast, Good and Cheap.]

Candace: There are three sides to the triangle, see?

[Candace sits down in a chair in front of Bette's desk.]

Bette: Fast, good, cheap.

Candace: Yeah. You can have any two of the three in combination, but you can never have all three together.

Bette: Of course you can. I mean, if you have enough money - (looks at triangle) Oh. Right, then it wouldn't be cheap. Okay.

Candace: You can have fast and good. But that takes a big crew of skilled, highly-paid workers.

Bette: And I can have fast and cheap, but then the end product would probably look like sh1t.

Candace: You can have cheap and good.

Bette: (smiling) That's the one I want.

Candace: (a beat) But you'll probably be bumping up against that carpenter for the better part of a year.

[Bette and Candace stare at each other for a moment. Finally, Bette breaks the moment and looks down.]

Bette: (chuckling) Um. Uh. Okay.

Candace: Are you here for a little while longer?

[Bette looks up at her.]

Candace: Because I love that Cuban place up the street from here. I could pick us up some takeout if you want. I'll draw you some rough sketches of what I'm thinking while we eat.

[Bette stares intently at her while she speaks, then nods.]

Bette: Okay.

Candace: Good. I'll put the order in. You look at that while I'm gone.

[Candace leaves. Bette smiles and watches her go, then looks back at the drawing of the triangle.]


EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY

[The pool party continues to rage. There are women everywhere, doing everything. Some are in the pool, sitting on rafts, some are swimming, some are flirting, some are girl-watching. Others lounge by the side of the pool sipping on drinks, watching the crowds go by. Some are dancing, some are walking around. Loud rock music plays.]

[The gang is out, walking through the crowds gathered around the pool. They pass several beer and soft drink stands, and stop to pick up free Jell-O shooters from a waitress in a bathing suit.]

Tina: Alice! Who knew?

Alice: I'm thinkin' not Dinah Shore.

Shane: (to Jenny) Can I have one?

[Jenny gives Alice one. The group approaches a table selling t-shirts.]

Shane: Oh, wait, Al...

Alice: What?

[Shane picks up a tank top with the words "Lesbian Wanted" printed across the breast. She shows it to Alice, who's too engrossed in her shooter to really look.]

Shane: What about you, Jenny?

Jenny: Um, maybe if I had a few more of these shots.

Shane: Oh, wait, hold on, hold on.

[Shane puts down the "Lesbian Wanted" t-shirt and picks up a t-shirt that says "She's My Bitch" printed across the breast.]

Shane: (to Tina) Present for Bette.

[Shane waves the t-shirt around in front of Tina. Tina giggles.]

Tina: Oh, my god. That's good. What, should I call her and...

[Tina takes the t-shirt and holds it up to herself.]

Tina: ... ask her if I should wear one of these t-shirts while I'm here?

Shane: Oh. Absolutely. Make it a surprise.

[Tina laughs.]

INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

[Candace and Bette are sitting next to each other on the couch, eating takeout from the Cuban place Candace mentioned earlier.]

Candace: We just fought all the time. (laughs) But you know how Yolanda is.

Bette: Mm-hmm.

Candace: She isn't happy unless she's ranting about something. You know. She can't abide you if you disagree with her.

[Bette chuckles.]

Candace: She won't respect you if you don't you challenge her.

[Bette and Candace chuckle.]

Bette: That is so true.

Candace: (chuckling) Right.

Bette: You know, she should've stayed in therapy.

Candace: (chuckling) Yeah.

[Bette's phone buzzes.]

Bette: Excuse me.

[Bette picks up the phone and looks at it.]

Bette: Will you excuse me for a second?

[Candace nods. Bette gets up and steps outside her office and answers the phone.]

Bette: (phone) Hey.

Tina: (phone) Hi! Oh my god!

EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY

[Music blasts nearby. Tina is yelling into the phone. She has a finger jammed in her other ear to block out some of the noise.]

Tina: (phone) This is insane! I wish you could see it. It's totally crazy.

[Alice, Shane and Jenny walk by.]

Tina: (phone) Say hi to the girls!

[Tina holds the cell phone out for them to yell Hi to Bette.]

Alice: Hey!

Shane: Hey Bette!

[Tina puts the phone back to her ear, laughing.]

Tina: (phone) See?

INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

Tina: (phone) Everybody misses you.

[Candace watches Bette.]

Bette: (phone) (smiling) I'm glad you're having fun, baby, you deserve it. I'm just here having some food with Candace. She's still taking some measurements.

Tina: (phone) What, babe? It's so loud here!

EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY

Tina: (phone) I can't hear you! Uh, you still at work? You know what, you should try to get some rest before the artists get there! You always do that -

INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

Bette: (phone) Ye - I'll try. Ti - can you hear me?

EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY

Tina: (phone) What, babe?!

INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

Bette: (phone) Hello?

Tina: (phone) Uh, baby, it's breaking up.

EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY

Tina: (phone) I can't hear you. Look, I'm gonna call you back later! Bye!

[Tina hangs up.]

INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

[Bette hangs up and sighs before heading back in. She sits back down next to Candace.]

Candace: Is everything okay? I heard some of the artwork is being held up at Customs.

Bette: No. Nothing like that.

[Bette sets down her cell phone and picks up her food.]

Bette: Was my girlfriend.

[Candace looks a little crushed.]

Candace: Oh. I didn't know you had one.

Bette: Why would you?

EXT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - SWIMMING POOL - DAY

[The party rages. Shane, Alice and Jenny are at a table. Tina walks up with a Margarita in hand, and sits down.]

Tina: Well, at least I can have a drink now.

[Shane clinks her plastic cup to Tina's.]

Shane: Cheers.

Alice: (pointing) Allright, look. Right there.

[Everyone looks over to where Alice is pointing.]

Alice: (pointing) See?

[A couple of butch lesbians walk by, hand in hand.]

Alice: That's what I call a hundred footer.

Jenny: What's that?

Tina: It means you can tell she's a lesbian from a hundred feet away.

Alice: Is it her hair? Is it her jog bra? Is it her mandles? I don't know!

[Everyone laughs.]

Tina: Great.

Alice: I can tell she's a lesbo from across a football field.

[Jenny jumps up from her chair and stands a few feet away.]

Jenny: You guys. What am I?

Alice: (laughing) No, you're in transition! It's impossible.

Jenny: (smiling) No, c'mon!

Alice: No, you need like a guy or a girl with you to tip you one way or the other. It's not - it's - (to Tina) Right?

Tina: (nods) Yep.

Jenny: (smiling) f*ck!

INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

[Bette and Candace are wrapping the meal up.]

Bette: (smiling) Well, I guess I'd better... get back to work. So I can... get back to bed sometime tonight.

[Bette stands. Candace stands and puts down a sack for her to put her trash in.]

Candace: Yeah.

Bette: I have a phone meeting at 7 AM with New York.

Candace: (smiling) Oh. I miss it. I - I'm from Brooklyn. I grew up there.

[They both start picking up the trash and putting it in the sack.]

Candace: Old school Brooklyn, you know. Before it was fashionable.

Bette: North Philly. Before it was a war zone.

Candace: (chuckling) Right.

[Bette steps away as if she means to pick something up nearby, but then steps back, to pick up her cell phone. In doing so, she nearly runs into Candace. The moment is too close and awkward. Candace wraps up the sack and Bette walks back to her desk.]

INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - WHITE PARTY - NIGHT

[There's a massive white party going on in the hotel. The place is packed. Dance music blasts across the sound system. Alice, Tina, Shane and Jenny enter, checking it out. Jenny's now wearing a "Lesbian Wanted" t-shirt.]

Tina: This is totally a white party, you guys.

Jenny: I'm gonna go have another drink.

Alice: Bye.

Shane: Bye, see ya later.

Tina: Bye.

[Jenny leaves. The others start to make their way through the crowds dancing on the floor. The white party is even more packed with women than the pool party was. Everyone and everything is in white. The only things not white are the colored strobes flickering across the crowds. Overhead black lights give everything an eerie blue glow.]

INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - WHITE PARTY - BAR - NIGHT

[Jenny's found the bar, and a couple of women to drink with.]

Jenny/Woman #1/Woman #2: One, two, three.

Jenny: Oh f*ck.

[They all three slam back shots of tequila and cringe. Jenny sticks out her tongue. Woman #1 slaps Jenny on the back. They all laugh.]

Woman #1: Good girl.

[Later...]

[Jenny is three sheets to the wind. She stands in the middle of the bar, talking to a small group of women sitting around.]

Woman #3: Okay, so then what happened?

Jenny: So. I go over to her house, like a f*cking idiot. And I'm standing there and I'm watching her with her real girlfriend - which, by the way, I know nothing about - and they're watching me like I'm this little sort of amusement, sort of like this little play thing. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my boy - no, I'm sorry, my husband... my... my life. My life is completely ruined. You know, she managed to f*cking destroy my relationship while leaving hers completely intact.

Woman #4: Wait. S - So this is the first woman you were ever with?

[Jenny puts her hands to her face as if she's just realized something.]

Jenny: Oh, my God. This is my coming out story.

Woman #5: Tell it!

Jenny: Ladies. I am telling all you guys my coming out story!

Woman #6: Tell it! Tell it.

[The women start chanting.]

Women: (chanting) Tell it! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it!

Jenny: (laughing) Okay, okay, okay, okay! I go to a party at my neighbors', Bette and Tina's house.

Women: Bette and Tina!

Woman #7: Woo!

Jenny: Yes. Okay. I'm at the party. And there she is. I see Marina.

FLASH BACK - INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[Marina, from the Pilot episode, sits on the edge of the couch at Bette and Tina's party, smiling down at Jenny as Jenny smiles back, a little captivated.]

Jenny: (voice over) She was possibly... the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. Later on that night...

[Marina follows Jenny into the bathroom and kisses her.]

Jenny: (voice over) ... she followed me into the bathroom...

[Marina kisses Jenny and pushes her against the wall.]

Jenny: (voice over) and then she does it. The thing. Am I crazy? Am I drunk? Am I hallucinating? And I was thinking...

INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - WHITE PARTY - BAR - NIGHT

Jenny: "Am I crazy? Am I drunk? Am I hallucinating?" And then she does it.

FLASH BACK - EXT. - MARINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[Marina and Jenny, from the Pilot episode, in bed, making love. Jenny covers her eyes and cries.]

Jenny: (voice over) The thing... that would go on to confuse me... and f*ck... with all things stable in my life.

INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - WHITE PARTY - BAR - NIGHT

Jenny: And then I'm walking out the door and I'm thinking "Oh, my God. I have just had the best f*cking s*x in my whole f*cking life, man!"

[The women hoot and howl at Jenny as she goes on. A woman approaches named Robin approaches and watches from the sidelines.]

Jenny: No, no, no, you guys, you guys, I'm serious. This is probably the best s*x that anybody can have on the f*cking planet Earth.

[Some of the women roll their eyes at each other.]

Jenny: And then she does it. She does this f*cking thing. She - c'mere. No, I'm going to show you. Okay, wait. I've got to be her. Okay.

[Jenny helps Woman #3 to her feet, to the center of the room, where she takes her in her arms and stands with her face an inch away. Jenny's demeanor, as well as the tone and accent of her voice, changes as she takes on the role of Marina. Everyone, including Robin, watches with a great deal of interest.]

Jenny: (as Marina) "Jenny. I hope this doesn't make it worse. But I think I could fall in love with you."

[Jenny kisses Woman #3.]

Women: Aw! Oh, man!

Woman #8: That's gross!

[The kiss breaks. Woman #3 turns around to the audience and goes back to her seat.]

Woman #3: That's f*cked.

Woman #4: Fucker. Notice it's not "I'm falling in love with you," it's, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

Jenny: She said, "I think I could fall in love with you."

Woman #4: That's even worse. You don't hear the "I think I could" part because you're not supposed to.

[All the women murmur in agreement.]

Jenny: It's a trick. It's a f*cking loophole. She wrecked my f*cking life with supposition.

[Woman #3 holds out her cell phone to Jenny.]

Woman #3: Here.

Jenny: What?

Woman #3: Go ahead. Call her up. Tell her what a f*cking fucker she is. You need to say it!

Women: Yeah!

Woman #4: Go on, do it, it'll cleanse ya.

Jenny: You think I should call her up?

[Woman #3 takes Jenny the cell phone and sits back down.]

Woman #3: Yeah.

Women: Yes! (chanting) Call her! Call her! Call her! Call her! Call her!

[Robin looks around at the group, shaking her head a little. She turns her attention back to Jenny.]

Women: You go girl!

Jenny: I'm going to call her up!

Women: Tell her!

Jenny: I'm going to tell her what a f*cking fucker she is for f*cking with my life! For leaving her life exactly the way it is! [Jenny dials Marina's number.]

Jenny: I'm going to set that f*cking bitch... straight.

Women: Yes. You go girl! Do it.

Woman #3: You never know unless you tell her.

Jenny: Shhh, shhh! (whispering) Please, please. Okay. It's ringing. f*ck.

[Jenny waits. After a moment, she stops cold and covers the mouthpiece on the phone. She looks up, unsure of what to do.]

Jenny: Oh, my gosh. It's her.

[Robin jumps up and walks over to Jenny. She takes the phone.]

Robin: I got you.

[Robin puts the phone to her ear.]

Robin: (phone) Hi! Is, uh, Thom... mas... there? (listening) Oh, this isn't Tom's house? (listening) Hello?

[Robin hangs up the phone and smiles at Jenny.]

Robin: Bitch hung up on me. Perfect.

[Robin hands the phone back to Jenny. Woman #3 gets up and takes it away.]

Woman #3: I'll take that.

Jenny: (grinning) That was very nice of you.

Robin: (chuckles) Well...

Jenny: It was very kind.

Robin: It was my pleasure.

[Jenny smiles at her.]

INT. - PALM SPRINGS HOTEL - LOBBY - NIGHT

[Tonya and Dana are walking through the lobby, but a dozen young grrl fans are trailing after. Tonya has a tight grip on Dana's arm.]

Fan #1: (pointing) Hey, is that?

Tonya: (to Dana) Oh, my God, you were so amazing in there. You should be so proud of yourself!

[A fan approaches Dana. Dana shakes her hand.]

Fan #2: Hi!

Dana: Hi!

Dana: (to Tonya) Oh, thank you.

Tonya: You know, that story about your mother truly was hysterical. Okay?

Fan #4: Hi!

Dana: (shaking hands) Hi! How are you? Hi.

Tonya: Okay, and your Subaru coming out story?

Fan #4: Hi!

Dana: (shaking hands) Oh, hi! Hi!

Tonya: Oh, my god, it broke my heart.

Dana: (laughing) It did?

Tonya: Now, so, tell me, did you and Lara - were you able to work it out?

Fan #5: Hi!

Dana: (to fans) How are you? (to Tonya) Uh, no, I totally blew that...

Fan #6: Dana! Dana!

Tonya: I'm so sorry to hear that.

[Tonya frowns as another fan comes racing up to Dana, really excited, and pulling the waist of her jogging pants down to reveal her underwear.]

Fan #6: Hey! I know I'm being a total geek right now, but would, um, sign my underwear for me?

[The fan hands Dana a marker.]

Tonya: Uh, Miss Fairbanks has an appointment, okay?

Fan #6: Please?

Tonya: Excuse me.

Dana: I - I - I - ooh!

Tonya: Unbelievable.