02x08 - Loyal


[A couple of cowboys in dusters hurriedly climb up a precariously rocky path. A woman in a petit coat and hat lags behind, stumbling. Cowboy #1, played by Burr Connors, stops to look in the bullet chamber of his six-shooter. Horses neigh in the distance. Cowboy #2, played by Rod Sebring, stops and turns to him.]

Cowboy #1: We're done for now.

Cowboy #2: We'd be clear to Barker Pass by now if you hadn't brought that uppity preacher's daughter.

Cowboy #1: Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Cowboy #2: Yeah.

[The preacher's daughter walks up and puts her hands on her hips.]

Preacher's Daughter: Looking for these, boys?

[She has a couple of bullet-laden bandoliers strapped across her chest.]

Cowboy #1: What the...

[She steps up to Cowboy #1 and grabs him and kisses him.]

Preacher's Daughter: For last night.

[She slaps him.]

Preacher's Daughter: For this morning. Next time, don't undercook the yolks.

[Cowboy #1 looks at Cowboy #2, who smirks at him. The director shouts through a megaphone.]

Director: (off screen) And cut!

[We see the cameras and the crew standing nearby. The woman playing the preacher's daughter rubs Burr's cheek.]

Woman: Are you okay?

Burr: (to director) Do I get extra pay for that?

Director: (megaphone) Back to ones, everybody.

[The director gets up and walks off. Several people scramble around the set.]

[Title card: On location for with Burr Connor 1985, Lone Pine, California]


[It's a foggy, rainy day in the mountains, on the set of Burr's movie. He steps out of his trailer, into the parking lot. The trailer next to his, belonging to co-star Rod Sebring, is rocking. Burr looks around, approaches, and goes in.]


[Rod is on the bed having s*x with a guy named Ben. Burr freaks. He pulls Rod off the guy.]

Burr: Get the hell off of him!

Ben: Oh, sh1t! Oh!

[Burr grabs the naked Ben and drags him toward the door by his neck.]

Rod: Burr, c'mon! Burr!

[Ben shouts in terror. Rod follows. Burr mutters angrily, then throws Ben out the door.]

Burr: Get the f*ck outta here!

Ben: Argh!

[Ben crashes hard on the wet pavement.]

Burr: Go on!

[Burr tosses his clothes out.]

Burr: Don't come back!

[Ben grabs his clothes and runs away.]

Burr: (to Rod) What the f*ck are you doing?!

Rod: It's none of your business!

Burr: It is absolutely my business! What if that kid talks, huh? Did you ever think of that?

[Rod rubs his face, frustrated.]

Burr: Huh? What if he goes to The Star and he says that Rod Sebring is an ass bandit?

Rod: No. No. Ben wouldn't do that.

Burr: Ben wouldn't do that.

Rod: No. He wouldn't.

Burr: You don't know that. And I have too much riding on this picture.

[Burr walks out.]

Rod: Burr. Burr!

[Opening credits.]


[Alice and Dana are cuddling in bed, asleep. The clock radio comes on. Alice rolls over and groggily smacks it. Alice rolls back over on top of Dana. They cuddle. Alice starts to kiss Dana's back, then slides a hand under the covers. Dana's eyes pop open.]

Dana: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

[Dana squirms out from under Alice. Alice flops over onto the other side of the bed.]

Alice: God, don't freak, it's Sunday, we're allowed to get up late.

[Dana scrambles to put some clothes on.]

Dana: Alice, it's Monday.

[Alice sits up, still groggy.]

Alice: No. Mm-mm. No, it's Sunday.

Dana: Alice, think about it. Yesterday, we got brunch delivered, and then the night before, we watched "Saturday Night Live".

Alice: (gasping) Right! Oh, f*ck! Oh, my God, I have my KCRW thing tomorrow! (sits up) I haven't come up with a single idea! I'm totally f*cking up! Oh, God.

[Now Alice scrambles off the bed and gets dressed. Dana sits on the bed.]

Alice: Uh, it's - uh! What am I gonna do for my audition?! A once-a-week, three-minute culture spot. Great. I need f*cking ideas!

Dana: People who ruin their lives because they can't stop having s*x?

Alice: 'Kay. That's really not helping.

[Alice puts on her glasses and grabs her laptop.]

Dana: I'm sorry. Look, you're not the only one who's blown off important things to stay in bed f*cking for five days, okay? I should be training.

Alice: You should always be training. So.

Dana: Alright, look.

[Dana sits up on her knees and takes Alice's face in her hands.]

Dana: I'm gonna go make us some coffee, okay?

Alice: Okay.

[They kiss.]

Dana: Work.

[They kiss.]

Alice: Okay.

[Dana leaves for the kitchen.]

Dana: Get to work!

Alice: Okay, okay.

[Alice plops down on her stomach on the bed, with her laptop.]


[Mark is watching Shane on his computer. She stands in the middle of her bedroom, looking at her battered face in a handheld mirror. He copies the clip from the video and puts it into the timeline on his video editing program.]


[Bette sits at a table by herself. Tina walks in and approaches. They smile at each other. Tina's face lights up when she smiles at her.]

Bette: Hey.

Tina: Hi.

[Tina sits. Bette starts to pour her a cup of tea.]

Bette: I got you tea. I wasn't sure what you were eating these days, but...

Tina: Thank you, that's nice.

[Bette finishes pouring and sets the pot down. She smiles modestly at Tina, trying to look away each time she looks at her. It's no use.]

Bette: I spoke to Dan Foxworthy this morning. I was thinking about going back to therapy.

Tina: Oh. I don't know about therapy. I think we should just focus on the baby.

Bette: Oh, no, not for us - I - I was thinking about... going to see him... myself. (smiles)

[Tina seems hugely impressed. She smiles huge, her face lighting up again.]

Tina: Oh! That's great, that's really great.

[The smile fades a little.]

Tina: That'll be good for you.

Bette: (smiling) Yeah.

[The moments are tense between them. Bette is about to take a sip of her drink, but stops.]

Bette: Can I just say one thing?

Tina: You can say anything you want.

Bette: (smiling) No, I can't. I mean, you've made it clear that you don't exactly wanna hear what I have to say right now and that's fine, but I, um... I never got to say... how happy I am for you. For us.

[Bette looks deeply sad and happy at the same time. Tina gives her a genuine smile.]

Tina: I'm glad you're happy.

[Bette stares at her sadly and takes a deep breath.]

Tina: This should be your happiness too. Let's, um... just focus on being really good parents.

[They both smile and chuckle.]

Tina: It'll be a new kind of partnership for us.

[Bette smiles then looks down, sad. Tina watches her. Bette looks up again, smiles, and raises her glass to Tina. Tina raises hers. They toast.]


[Carmen and Jenny are walking down the sidewalk, toward The Planet.]

Jenny: My teacher, Charlotte Birch, is pushing me. And I'm really freaked out because she's intimating there's some kind of mysterious challenge in all of this for me.

Carmen: Okay, well can I tell you what I think about Charlotte?

[They cross the street.]

Carmen: I think -

Jenny: What.

Carmen: You have a crush on her.

Jenny: No, I don't.

Carmen: I think you do and I think it's totally okay, and - and I think that you are allowed to have a crush on your teacher. And you know what? I think you should go for it. Totally go for it.

Jenny: f*ck you.

Carmen: What?

[They stop in front of The Planet and face each other. Behind them, Helena pulls up and parks her car on the curb. Jenny stares at Carmen.]

Carmen: You want me to be jealous?

[Jenny nods. Carmen kisses her.]

Carmen: Well, if you think about f*cking her, I will kill you.

[Jenny kisses Carmen.]


[Tina is looking in her day planner.]

Tina: My next sonogram is Wednesday the 7th at 10 a.m.

Bette: Well, I'd love to be there - I mean, if that's okay with you. (smiling) I'd really like to see the baby.

Helena: How exciting.

[Neither of them have noticed Helena. Helena puts her arm on Tina's shoulder. Bette seems to draw back a little.]

Helena: You ready to go? The agent has four listings planned out for us.

[Tina gets her things.]

Helena: (to Bette) We're real estate hunting.

Bette: Real estate hunting.

Helena: Mm-hmm.

Tina: Oh. Helena wants to rent a house in L.A.

[Tina kind of shakes her head, indicating to Bette it's not a house for them both.]

Helena: The Chateau Marmont is getting so tedious, I mean, I can't walk from one end of the lobby to the other without being offered to do blow or finance four independent films starring Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Bette: (laughing) All totally unsolicited, I'm sure.

Helena: (straight faced) Totally.

Tina: (to Bette) Um... I'll see you on the 7th. Okay? I'll call you.

[Tina gets up and leaves with Helena. Helena puts a hand on Tina's back as they walk off.]


[Mark and Gomey sit in the office of a sleazy producer, listening to him talk.]

Producer: Look, the thing about reality is it's gonna draw the audience in.

Mark: Right.

Producer: Basically, I need pussy that we can smell and taste.

Gomey: Absolutely.

Mark: Right. Of course. I mean... the thing about this film, though, is it's got that, but it's got more. It's um... it's fascinating, I mean... we're giving people access to a world that they've never seen before. You know. It's like journalists who infiltrate mosques, it's witness -

Producer: Why don't you show me footage? I mean, usually, I don't write checks sight-unseen.

Mark: I completely understand. Um... I just need a little more time.

[The producer pinches the bridge of his nose.]

Mark: I mean, this isn't scripted, so it's - something's happening, I mean, it's real but we can't force -

Gomey: (to producer) We'll cut you something together. And it will be dripping with hot lesbian pussy. (to Mark) Won't it, dude?

Mark: Yeah. Yeah. I'll work on cutting something together.

Producer: You can, uh... show yourselves out.

Mark: Great. Well, thank you.

Gomey: Yeah, thanks.


[A real estate agent guy is ushering Helena and Tina into a purely massive house full of marble everything, chandeliers, old furniture, and classical sculpture.]

Agent: Did you see the movie Hannibal? Uh, Freddie versus Jason?

Helena: (scoffs) Please. You don't honestly think that regaling me with a list of the owners' mediocre movies is really going to influence whether I rent this property or not?

[Tina walks around the foyer, which is as big as most one-bedroom apartments.]

Helena: May I see the specs, please?

[The agent hands Helena the folder with the details about the house. Helena smiles at Tina.]

Tina: I think I'm gonna go take a look around.

Helena: Mkay. But, um...

[Helena steps up to Tina.]

Helena: Don't go too far.

[Helena kisses Tina in front of the agent, who watches. After a couple of seconds, Tina pulls away, blushing but embarrassed. She walks into the expansive parlor, furnished with a chandelier, grand piano, a huge, old couch and a massive fireplace.]

Helena: (to agent) So, I'm assuming the tenant will move out of the guest house if I decide to rent this behemoth?

[The agent nods and smiles at her.]

Helena: Ah. Now, why don't you tell me about the household staff that come along with this property?

[They walk into another part of the house.]


[Alice sits on the bed with her laptop. Dana sits on the edge of the bed, lifting weights.]

Alice: Okay. Listen to this. Um...

[Alice starts to talk in a radio commentator voice - soft, soothing, and enunciated.]

Alice: (reading) "Walking through Fred Segal this week, I could sense all was not right in the world of consumerism. Something's wrong."

Dana: You said that.

Alice: What?

Dana: Well, you said all was not right, and then you said something's wrong. Just... it seems redundant.

Alice: Okay. May I?

Dana: Yeah, go ahead.

Alice: Okay. (clears throat) (reading) "There's an invasion underway. Our troops are in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and we are here, shopping."

Dana: What are you doing to your voice?

Alice: It's my radio commentator voice. You have to have one. Can I continue now?

Dana: Yeah. Sorry.

Alice: Thank you. (clears throat) (reading) "Is the main mission of our troops the protection of our way of life, and is our way of life defined by our consumerism? Are women and men dying in Iraq so that back home we can shop til we drop?"

Dana: Is consumerism the right word?

[Alice stops and stares flatly at Dana.]


[Tina walks around the terrace and looks out one of the huge floor-to-ceiling windows. Helena walks in.]

Helena: Well. It's a little vulgar. But it's amusing.

Tina: Could you live like this?

[Helena tosses her bag on the nearby desk and walks toward Tina.]

Helena: Why don't we find out?

[Tina chuckles.]

Helena: Hey.

[Helena puts her arms around Tina and starts to try and kiss her.]

Tina: What are you doing?

[Helena kisses her and backs her up against a desk.]

Helena: I couldn't be expected -

[Helena kisses her. Tina sits up on the desk, smiling. Helena stands between her legs.]

Helena: - to have a property like this without seeing if it's conducive -

[Helena kisses Tina, then unbuttons her shirt and kisses her chest.]

Helena: - to this.

[Tina turns around to see if the agent guy is around.]

Helena: Hey.

[Tina turns back around. Helena kisses her, then kisses her chest. Tina sighs. Helena looks up at her. Tina goes stiff and moans. Helena moves forward a little; Tina closes her eyes and shudders. Helena's face is an inch away. She teases her, almost kissing her.]

Helena: Could you live like this?

[Tina sighs, her breath shaking.]

Tina: Oh yeah...

[Helena opens her mouth, gasping a little. Tina kisses her, then grabs her hair and kisses her harder. Behind them in the parlor, the agent walks in. Neither of them notice.]

Agent: Helena. You've seen the matching -

[Helena kisses Tina, and starts to push her further back on the desk. Tina rocks back in ecstasy and moans - until she realizes the agent is talking to them.]

Agent: - his and hers walk-in closets?

[Tina hops off the desk and looks at the agent, embarrassed. The agent smiles.]

Agent: Or should I say hers and hers?


[Shane walks out the back door, wearing sunglasses. Mark stops her.]

Mark: Shane! Hey.

Shane: Hey.

Mark: (smiling) You're alive. I haven't seen you around, how've you been?

[Shane nods.]

Mark: How's, uh... (points to eye)

Shane: Oh, it's uh... it's better, thank you.

[Shane starts to walk away.]

Mark: I've been worried about you.

Shane: Thanks.

Mark: Um. So where you off to?

Shane: Work.

Mark: Hair job, or Veronica Bloom job?

Shane: Hair job. It's a day call.

[Shane starts to walk off again.]

Mark: Um. Well, have a good one. (smiles)

Shane: You too.

[Shane walks off. Mark walks into the garage.]


[Gomey is sitting at Mark's computer, watching video in fast-forward. Mark takes off his jacket.]

Gomey: Most of this stuff is just crap, man. They're not doin' nothin' but talkin'. Sometimes they eat.

Mark: (irritated) What do you think, lesbians just f*ck all the time?

Gomey: Obviously not, but if they don't start soon... we're not gonna...

[Gomey looks closer at the monitor. It's Shane, looking in the mirror at her black eye.]

Gomey: What the f*ck is this, man?

[Mark walks over and pushes Gomey out of the way. He takes the mouse and starts to mess with the video.]

Mark: It's none of your f*cking - why are you so f*cking nosey? God.

Gomey: (disgusted) I'll tell you what it is. It's some total lez who's never gonna give you the time of day and you're rock hard for her! Jesus. I bet you just f*cking sit here all night jacking off while you watch her sleep!

[Mark turns and shoves Gomey to the ground.]

Mark: You shut the f*ck up!

[Gomey gets up quickly.]

Gomey: Great. This is just f*ckin' perfect. We've been best friends for how long?

Mark: Just get out of here.

[Mark sits down at the computer and runs a hand through his hair.]

Gomey: And now you're gonna f*ck up this gig we've been working our asses off on for some chick? News flash, man! This girl you're crushing on is never gonna be with you! You've got a real live dick! And that disqualifies you from getting up in there!

[Mark ignores him. Gomey leaves.]


[Bette sits at her desk, writing in a notebook. There's a knock at her door, then it slides open. It's Franklin and Leo.]

Franklin: (smiling) Bette. Leo and I have something we're very excited about and we'd like to share with you. Leo?

Leo: We just wanted to let you know that Helena Peabody is going to be joining the CAC's steering committee.

[Bette looks dumbfounded.]

Bette: What?

Franklin: We're going to welcome her at our regular board meeting tomorrow. I'm sure you can appreciate what a coup it is for the CAC to have a Peabody on the Board of Directors.

[Bette looks almost let down.]

Franklin: Not to put too fine a point on it, but she's bringing Allyn Barnes with her to her first Board of Directors meeting.

Bette: Allyn Barnes is coming to our board meeting?

Franklin: Mm-hmm.

Leo: Allyn and Peggy are old friends. She's known Helena since she was a little girl.

Bette: There's a rumor that Allyn Barnes has been contemplating a career retrospective. The Modern's been after her for years.

Leo: She's pretty resistant. I mean, everybody knows Allyn hates the art world. But, Helena thinks she might be ready. Now I've asked your department to put together some press clippings of the CAC so we can present it to her tomorrow.

Bette: Well, I'd like to go over those materials.

Franklin: This is Leo's strength, Bette. Why don't we just let him do his thing? We'll see you tomorrow at six. Hm? (to Leo) Come on.

[Franklin and Leo leave. Bette sighs and reaches in her desk drawer. She pulls out a candybar and takes a couple of big bites. She frowns as she chews.]


[The agent leads Helena and Tina through a spacious California beach house. The interior is white, with wood accents, and is sparsely furnished with modern designs. The ceilings are low and the walls are mostly made of windows.]

Tina: This is more like it.

Helena: Do you think?

Tina: Bette saw this house in "Architectural Digest" - she said it was the quintessential California beach house.

Helena: Hm. Did she, now?

Agent: There are eight bedrooms all together, uh, not including the guesthouse, and there's a nanny's quarters down below.

[Helena's cell phone rings. She answers.]

Helena: (phone) What, Walter? (listens) Please just tell me what you have to tell me - no digressions.

[The agent opens the sliding glass door to a small patio behind them. We hear the sound of the ocean, and seagulls.]

Agent: Amazing view.

[Tina walks over and checks out the winding stairwell that goes down a few floors.]

Helena: (phone) (agitated) No, no, Walter, I do not ex - Walter, what did I charge you with? Don't tell me things I don't want to hear! That's not what I pay you for!

Tina: (to agent) Do you wanna show me the kitchen?

[The agent leads Tina down the long, winding staircase.]

Helena: (phone) Walter, no, here's what's happening. I'm moving to Los Angeles, and I want my children here with me, so just f*cking well make it happen, and call me when it's done!

[Helena disconnects the call. She walks over to the stairwell and looks down at Tina and the agent.]

Helena: So? Do we like it?

[Tina and the agent stop and look up.]

Tina: It's spectacular.

Helena: (smiling) Okay. (to agent) I'll move in tomorrow.

[The agent continues down the stairwell. Tina smiles at Helena, a little floored by the snap decision.]

Tina: Okay... (chuckles)


[Bette answers the front door. It's Winnie Mann, and the kids, Wilson and Jun Ying.]

Winnie: Hi, I'm Winnie Mann. Thanks for seeing me.

[They shake hands.]

Bette: Really nice to meet you. I, uh, I didn't know that you would be bringing -

Winnie: I don't have a nanny, so when the kids are with me, they are with me. I hope it's not -

Bette: Oh, no, no. It's fine. It's great.

[They walk in. Bette smiles down at the kids.]

Bette: Do you remember me? I'm - we met in New York.

[Winnie chuckles. The kids stare up at Bette.]

Winnie: Don't take it personally, it takes more than one meeting.

[Wilson sees a display by a lamp. It's five jars with little items in them.]

Winnie: Wilson, wait, um, uh -

[Wilson immediately picks up one of the jars, opens it, and crams his hand inside.]

Bette: Oh, sweetie, sweetie!

[Bette dashes over. And gently takes the jar and replaces the cap.]

Bette: No, no, no, no, no. Oh. See, this... is a Richard Prince, and it goes right there.

[Bette puts the jar back on the shelf and sighs, relaxing.]

Bette: Hey, would you guys like to go swimming?

Wilson: Yeah, that'd be great!

Jun Ying: Yeah, can we?

Winnie: Uh, well, I don't really swim, do you think you might go in with them?

[Bette doesn't look like that's what she had in mind. She looks at Wilson. He nods excitedly. Bette chuckles.]

Bette: Sure.


[Alice and Dana are sitting around on the couch. Alice is writing on a notepad and Dana is watching a cooking show.]

Alice: Okay. Okay, will you listen to this one?

[Alice clicks the off button on the remote in Dana's hand.]

Alice: Okay, so basically I'm gonna get someone from the left, someone from the right, someone from the center - local, elected officials, whatever. And then I'm gonna interview them about trends. 'Kay? So. (reading in commentator voice) "State Attorney General Wachtel, have you shopped for your new granddaughter at the new "La La Ling" baby store in Las Feliz?" So.

Dana: Mm-hmm.

Alice: So, I'm trying to get that intersection between culture and politics.

[Dana looks lost.]

Dana: I don't know. Al, it's good. It's just - it's not funny.

Alice: It's not supposed to be funny. Hello? Have you listened to KCRW?

Dana: Yeah, but didn't Mimi ask you personally to try out for this?

Alice: So?

Dana: So, she must want you to be you.

Alice: No, I'm going to be a (makes air quotes) funny person on the radio. I don't know why everybody thinks I'm so funny.

Dana: Because you are. Alice, you're a funny lady, and it's one of the things I love about you, and I'm not the only one.

[Alice pouts and scribbles on her notepad.]

Alice: I don't like you very much right now.

[Dana takes her pen and notepad and sets them on the coffee table. She gets up on her knees on the couch and pulls Alice's legs around her waist.]

Dana: It makes me so hot when you're angry.

Alice: Oh yeah?

Dana: Oh yeah.

Alice: (giggling) You're totally topping me again.

Dana: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you through the feathers, Pillow Queen.

[Alice laughs. Dana leans back and forth, keeping Alice's legs wrapped around her.]

Alice: Have you always been a top?

Dana: I'm not a top.

Alice: Yeah, you are.

Dana: Uh-huh.

Alice: Yeah, you are.

[Alice pulls Dana forward.]

Alice: You know what I want you to do?

Dana: What?

[Dana leans close. Alice whispers quietly in her ear.]

Alice: (whispering) I want you to f*ck me really hard with a strap-on.

[Dana leans up.]

Dana: I don't know if I can do that.

Alice: But you're doing it right now without even using one.

[Dana grinds slowly against Alice. Alice smiles at her. They kiss.]

Dana: Okay.

Alice: Yeah?

Dana: Twisted my arm.


[Bette is in the pool with the kids. She twirls Jun Ying around in the water. Winnie sits on a chair at the edge.]

Winnie: You know, Bette, I - I know you don't know me, but, um, I'm taking a wild stab that maybe we have some interests in common.

Bette: What are you asking me to do?

Winnie: I'd like you to be a character witness... against... you know who. I know she's coming on to your board of directors.

Bette: Yeah, she's everywhere. Can't seem to get away from her.

Winnie: That's how she deals. She colonizes.

Bette: She f*ckin' plunders and pillages, that's -

Winnie: Uh. (clears throat)

[Bette looks at Jun Ying in her arms.]

Bette: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was bad.

Winnie: Bette, we've got a court hearing in six weeks.

Bette: You want me to appear in court?

Winnie: Yes.

Bette: Jesus, Winnie. I don't know. I mean, I'm really gonna have to think about it. It's, you know, it's not just that she's on my board of directors, but there's Tina, the...

Winnie: Well, f*ck, I understand if you don't want to -

Bette: No, it's not that I don't want to. Believe me, I would love nothing more than to stand up in court and say what I think of... you know who. (to Wilson) You wanna play again?

Wilson: Yeah.

Bette: Okay. One, two, three.

[Bette tosses Wilson through the air a couple of feet. He splashes into the water.]

Wilson: Ahh!

Bette: Woo!


[Carmen is walking down the hallway. Shane starts to step out of her room. She sees Carmen, and goes back inside. Carmen hesitates, then opens the door.]


[Shane is leaning against the door. When Carmen opens it, she backs away. Carmen enters. Shane keeps her back to her; she's wearing her sunglasses.]

Carmen: Um. I - I - I just saw you out there, and it - I dunno, it looked like you were hiding.

Shane: I'm not hiding.

Carmen: I don't believe you.

[Shane faces her, then grabs her keys nearby; Carmen grabs the keys and tosses them aside. Carmen tries to remove the sunglasses. Shane turns her head, but Carmen manages to remove them. She sees the bruises.]

Carmen: Oh my God. Oh my God. Sh -

[Carmen tries to touch Shane's face. Shane grabs her arm.]

Carmen: Shane, who did this? Who did this to you?

Shane: It doesn't matter.

Carmen: No, tell me. I will f*cking kill them. Who did this to you?

Shane: You did it.

[Carmen is stunned.]

Carmen: What?

[She stares up at Shane, hurt.]

Carmen: f*ck you.

[Carmen opens the door. Shane pulls her back in.]

Shane: Wait. Wait, wait. Look, I'm sorry. That was a fucked-up thing to say.

[Shane closes the door and faces Carmen.]

Carmen: Well, maybe you meant something by it. Maybe we should just talk and see what happ -

Shane: No. No. No. Can we... can we just forget what I said? Let's go back to being friends.

Carmen: Is that what you want?

Shane: Really a lot.

[They both stare at each other. Shane opens the door. As she pulls the door open, she steps closer to Carmen. Their faces come close. Shane turns away. Carmen leaves.]


[Bette and Winnie sit at the dining room table, having some water. The kids sit at the kitchen table a few feet away, eating chicken nuggets.]

Winnie: I'm so angry I can barely control myself. But, then I know the more I act like that, the more this person can "F" me up. But, there I am screaming like a crazy B-I-T-C-H.

Bette: That's gotta be hell.

Winnie: She made my life a living hell.

Bette: What were you doing with her, Winnie?

Winnie: Is it so hard to understand? Look at Tina.

[Bette looks down.]

Winnie: You two were separated when she met?

Bette: Yeah. (smiling) And now she has her completely enthralled.

Winnie: Yeah. My first play had just debuted at PS 122. The Voice gave it a rave, and this person shows up and underwrites the entire run of the show. The next thing you know, I've got my own theatre company, I'm living in a five million-dollar loft in Tribeca, and...

Bette: And starting a family.

Winnie: Yeah. Hey, she'd never even thought about kids, but it was a dream of mine, and she's in the business of making people's dreams come true, until she co-opts and makes them her own.

Wilson: Mommy, I'm finished with my chicken nuggets. Can I have some ice cream?

Winnie: Uh...

Bette: (to Winnie) I think I have some if it's okay.

Winnie: (to Wilson) Did you and your sister finish your salad?

Wilson: Yep.

Winnie: Alrighty.

Bette: Then you get the big prize.

[Bette heads to the freezer and gets the ice cream. Winnie leans over the kitchen bar.]

Winnie: Can I give you some advice about it?

Bette: I could sure use some.

Winnie: Drives her crazy when you don't react. So, she'll bait and bait and bait, and if you just don't take it... (winks)


[Jenny and Carmen are making out on the couch. The TV is showing the old Burr Connor movie that was being filmed at the beginning of the episode.]

Cowboy #1: (TV) "We're done for now."

Cowboy #2: (TV) "We'd be clear of Barker's Pass by now if you hadn't brought that uppity preacher's daughter."

[Mark enters and plops down on the couch next to them.]

Mark: Hey ladies.

Carmen: (annoyed) Oh, hello. It's Mark.

Mark: Excuse me. Is that how you greet your roommate? What are we watching?

Jenny: We're watching a Burr Connors film festival.

[On the TV, Burr kisses the uppity preacher's daughter.]

Carmen: Yes, Miss Jenny over here is going to ghostwrite his memoirs.

Jenny: (to Carmen) I'm gonna be his stenographer.

Mark: No way. Do you know that I had a Burr Connor action figure doll as a child?

Jenny: You did?

Mark: I did, and I made him beat up my G.I. Joe on a daily basis.

Jenny: Are you serious? You actually thought this guy, Burr Connor, is more - is tougher than G.I. Joe?

Mark: Oh, pffpt. Look at him. Way tougher.

[On the TV, Burr stands in his cowboy hat and duster, looking tough.]

Jenny: This is sentimental claptrap.

Mark: How could you possibly call these macho men sentimental?

Jenny: Um, because it's a pretext for telling stories about, like, the purity of male friendship and devotion. I mean, Mark, okay, look at all these films. They're all f*cking the same.

Mark: Chick flicks are the same!

Carmen: Okay, okay, you know what? You cannot tell that theory to Burr Connors. No. (to Jenny) Kiss. Now.

[Carmen grabs Jenny's face and plants a kiss on her.]

Mark: Thelma and Louise

Carmen: (kissing) Mwah! (to Mark) No more.

Mark: Where's Shane, by the way?

Carmen: Um, I - I think she, uh, went out.

Mark: Where?

Carmen: I dunno.

Mark: To a club?

Jenny: (giggling) We don't know, Mark.

[They all laugh.]

Carmen: Yeah.

Mark: Sixteen Candles.

Jenny: Dukes of Hazzard.

Mark: Gone With the Wind, Funny Girl.

[Carmen suddenly looks distracted. Jenny strokes her hair.]


[Shane sits in a confessional with a priest. She's crying.]

Shane: Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been... sixteen years... since my last confession.

Priest: And what brought you here tonight?

Shane: Everyone... wants something from me, and... I don't feel like I have anything left to give.

Priest: What have you been giving up until now?

Shane: s*x. That's mainly what people want. Actually, I... I don't even know at this point. I don't - I don't - I don't know.

[Shane hangs her head and sniffs.]

Priest: Do you feel you have to have s*x with everyone who wants it?

Shane: In church I didn't. I used to, uh, live in a church shelter, so...

Priest: When was that?

Shane: I guess I was 10. And I ran away from my foster family because someone told me my real mom was back in Austin. And she used to go to that shelter when she was trying to get clean.

Priest: Your mother was a drug addict?

Shane: Yeah.

Priest: Have you ever considered joining a church group?

Shane: No. No. No, no, I don't like groups. The thing I... I like about confession is... you don't have to see the other person's face. And you don't have to see how - how hurt they are when they realize that you can't be that thing they want you to be.

Priest: You might find that there are people who don't want anything from you.

[Shane chuckles uneasily.]

Priest: They just want to know you.

Shane: Yeah, I haven't met anyone like that. Anyway, there's nothing to know.

[Shane gets up and walks out.]

Priest: My friend, would you just consider it?

[The priest sits in the confessional while we hear Shane's bootsteps growing farther away.]


[Alice is getting out of the shower. Dana hands her a towel.]

Alice: Ah, thank you.

Dana: Sure.

[Dana goes to the mirror.]

Dana: Alice!

Alice: What? (looks up) Oh. Yeah.

[Alice climbs out of the shower. Dana is pointing to something on her neck. It's a love bite.]

Alice: Yeah, I thought that would go away.

Dana: You knew you did this to me?

Alice: (smiling) Well, I wasn't doing it on purpose. You bruise easy.

Dana: You're not the only one.

[Dana goes to the toilet. Alice gawks at herself in the mirror. She has a love bite on her neck, too.]

Alice: Oh, my god! I look like I've been beaten! (looks at Dana) I have my interview today!

Dana: It's radio.

Alice: I have to make an impression.

Dana: And I don't. You're right. I have a photo shoot with Women's Fitness today. I'm the first out lesbian they've ever put on the cover.

[Alice messes with her hair in the mirror.]

Alice: Well, you'll just be saying you can be gay and a slut.

[Dana pulls her pants up and smiles, and heads for the door.]

Alice: Is there any more?

Dana: Yeah!

Alice: Where.

[Dana leaves. Alice turns around and around, trying to see her back.]


[Jenny, Carmen, Kit, and Bette are sitting at a table. Carmen is telling a joke. Everyone is laughing.]

Kit: Oh, really!

[Alice and Dana walk to the table, arm in arm, both of them dressed up and also wearing neck scarves. Everyone is excited to see them and they all say hi. Alice and Dana sit.]

Jenny: I haven't seen you guys in a couple days. What have you been doing?

[Alice and Dana speak over each other.]

Alice: Working.

Dana: Training.

[Dana gawps at Alice. Everybody chuckles. They don't notice when Tina walks up behind them. She pats their heads.]

Tina: They've been having s*x all weekend.

Alice: Hi!

Dana: Hey!

Tina: Hi, everyone.

Kit: Hi.

[Kit looks unsure of Tina's presence. Bette looks sad now. Helena walks up behind Tina.]

Bette: Um, why don't you two join us?

Tina: Okay... (smiles) Thank you. That's nice.

[Helena and Tina go to sit. Alice and Dana look at Bette. Bette smiles and keeps her game face on.]

Carmen: Hi. Hello.

[Carmen and Jenny hold hands. Helena and Tina sit at the end of the table, near Bette.]

Jenny: So, um... Tina was just saying that Dana and Alice are having s*x.

[Alice and Dana grin and giggle, along with everyone else.]

Helena: (smiling) There's nothing to be ashamed of. They'll be in good company.

[Helena puts her hand on Tina's and smiles at her. Bette leans back in her seat and a little shocked, but tries to smile. She and Tina catch each other's glance for just a moment, and both quickly look away.]

Alice: Yeah, we haven't, though. I've been busy and she's been busy and...

Dana: Working.

Kit: Oh, yeah, uh, let me see.

[Kit pulls away Dana's scarf.]

Dana: No...

Kit: Busy!

Everyone: Ohh!

Carmen: Okay, let's see.

[Carmen leans forward and pulls Alice's scarf away a little.]

Carmen: Um, working!

[Everyone giggles.]

Carmen: Oh, my goodness!

[Bette is grinning at the pair. She sneaks a glance at Tina. Again, they catch each other's glances, and again, they both look away quickly.]

Kit: Working it, working it, uh-huh.

Carmen: Let us see, let us see! Open it up.

[Alice undoes her scarf.]

Alice: Alright. I have...

[Alice shows off the love bite. Everyone claps and laughs.]

Carmen: Oh!

Jenny: Oh, my god!

Carmen: Oh, my god!

Alice: I have my KCRW audition and I kinda don't know what to do so I was... (smiles)

Helena: Look, you know...

[Helena stands, untying the scarf from around her waist, and walks over to Alice.]

Helena: Why don't you take this. Because passion should never cost you respect.

[Helena drapes the expensive silk scarf around Alice's neck.]

Alice: No that - (chuckling) Helena, I couldn't accept this. It's Hermes.

Helena: It's vintage. And for having such a good eye, you get to keep it.

Kit: Ohh!

Carmen: Wow.

[Helena walks back and sits. Alice, still smiling, politely removes the scarf. Dana is watching Bette.]

Bette: You know, I think I'd better be getting to work.

Helena: Well, that's a shame. Why don't you take the morning off?

Bette: Well, because it's not really an option for me.

Helena: Of course it is. You're having breakfast with one of your board members. And we're gonna discuss what we're gonna talk about with Allyn Barnes tonight.

Kit: (mumbling to Bette) You've gotta be kidding.

Bette: (to everyone) Uh, Helena has just joined the board of directors for the CAC.

[Alice and Dana raise the brows. Helena beams. Tina smiles but looks a little embarrassed.]

Bette: (to Helena) I'll see you at the meeting.

[Bette stands to go.]

Helena: Well - Bette, why don't you come over later tonight, after the meeting? (smiling at Tina) Tina and I have found a house.

Tina: (smiling) Oh - no - Helena has found a house.

[Bette frowns.]

Helena: Well, you know what, why don't you all come over tonight, we'll have a, uh -

Tina: (shrugs, smiling) Yeah.

Helena: - a house warming party!

[Dana's brows shoot up. Alice looks at everyone. Kit sits quietly, staring at the table.]

Tina: (to Bette) You should see this house. It's amazing. It's the one on Broad Beach. The one in Architectural Digest? It's gorgeous.

Bette: (smiling) Of course it is.

[Bette glances at Tina, then Helena.]

Bette: You know, that sounds really nice, Helena.

[Helena smiles and nods.]

Bette: Maybe if I'm not too tired.

Helena: Good.

[Bette starts to walk off.]

Alice: Bye, Bette.

Jenny: Bye.

Bette: Bye, you guys, good luck.

Alice: Thanks.

[Bette leaves. Kit follows.]


[Shane stands at the counter, fixing food. Mark walks in the back door.]

Mark: Hey.

Shane: Hey.

[Mark sits on the counter.]

Mark: Did I say something to offend you?

Shane: No. Look. You saved my ass. And I'm sorry if I didn't thank you adequately. So thank you.

Mark: Do you know anything about, uh... about the Samurai code, Ronin?

Shane: That one of those Hong Kong action flicks?

Mark: No, it's a book actually. I was really into that sh1t when I was like 13, 14, got my first degree black belt in Shotoka.

Shane: Lucky for me, huh?

Mark: Yeah. Well, according to the Samurai code, if you save someone's ass you're forever indebted to that person. You're - it's the greatest honor and privilege you can ever achieve.

Shane: Look, I - I said thank you. I don't know what else you want me to do.

Mark: Not you, me. I'm indebted to you for giving me that opportunity.

[Shane leans against the counter and looks at him.]

Mark: No, so, it's like, basically, I'm your servant, now.

Shane: (thinking) No thank you.

Mark: It's just the way it's gotta be. You're stuck with me.

[Mark pulls out a chair at the table.]

Mark: Sit, please.

[Shane grabs a bag of food and opens the fridge.]

Mark: Oh, oh, oh! Allow me.

[Mark takes the food from her hand, and the rest of the stuff on the counter. He puts them in the fridge. Shane stands in the middle of the room, stupefied.]

Mark: (fake British accent) Will you be having a beverage, my lord?

[Shane stands dumfounded.]

Shane: No.


[Jenny pulls up to the intercom at the gate and presses the button.]

Woman: (intercom) Hello?

Jenny: Hi. Um, this is Jenny Schecter for Mr. Burr Connor, please?

Woman: (intercom) Yes, Miss Schecter, come on in.

Jenny: Thank you.

[The gate opens. Jenny drives up the driveway, to a huge mansion.]


[Jenny and Burr sit in the parlor, talking. Burr is an attractive man in his 40s.]

Jenny: It's a hard feeling to describe. But I think that I've known for a really long time, and I fought against it because I knew that my... family... wouldn't approve, but I actually think that I've always known.

Burr: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Jenny: Yeah?

Burr: Mm-hmm. From the time I was a small boy, I... I always knew I wanted to be an actor.

Jenny: How cool.

Burr: So... like, what - what kinda writers would you say you model yourself after? Judith Krantz, Danielle Steele? Like that?

[Jenny's jaw drops.]

Jenny: Ew! You're kidding. I'm sorry.

Burr: Looking at you, having spent a few minutes with you, um... I'm good at this.

[Burr stares at Jenny for a moment.]

Burr: Mary Gaitskill.

Jenny: (gasps) Wow! Thank you.

[Burr smiles.]

Jenny: I don't know. I mean, Charlotte's pushing me really hard right now, so my style is just evolving pretty fast.

Burr: Well, I won't be pushing you. Okay? I, uh... I basically just need you to correct my grammar...

Jenny: Mm-hmm.

Burr: And add an adjective or two here and there.

Jenny: 'Kay. Have you - have you ever written anything before?

Burr: No, not really. I've been tape-recording myself.

Jenny: Oh, yeah?

Burr: Yeah.

Jenny: Oh, okay. Actually, I have this.

[Jenny reaches in her bag and pulls out a micro-cassette recorder.]

Burr: No. Uh. You can put that away.

Jenny: Okay, then I'll put it away.

[Jenny puts it back in her bag, then sits up and smiles, then goes back into her bag.]

Jenny: Can I - can I just use um, my notebook?

[Jenny whips out a notebook and pen.]

Burr: No, go ahead.

Jenny: Um, okay. I have a couple of questions for you, to begin.

Burr: Mm-hmm.

Jenny: Rod Sebring. It appears as though you have a very profound connection with him.

Burr: Mm-hmm.

Jenny: Yeah.

Burr: Well, we did three pictures together.

Jenny: Yeah. The scene in, uh, in Hard Man To Know, where you carry Mr. Sebring across Texas after he's been shot... it's beautiful and quite romantic.

[Burr looks a little uncomfortable.]

Burr: Mm-hmm. You like that movie?

Jenny: I loved it! I really - I - I thought it was like - I loved it.

Burr: Really?

Jenny: Yeah.

Burr: You don't seem like the type.

Jenny: Oh, my god. I've seen all of your films.

Burr: I'm sure you have, yeah.

Jenny: Yep.

Burr: In the last two days, right?

Jenny: Yes, but (laughs)... Okay, but - but - but my girlfriend actually has seen all your films.

Burr: Your girlfriend.

Jenny: Yeah. When she was a little kid, she and her step-dad used to go to all your films so now she can recite all your dialogue.

Burr: So she's a tomboy?

Jenny: (thinking) Gosh, I've never thought of her like that. I think she's just beautiful.

Burr: Well... (standing) Miss Schecter, thank you so much for coming on over. And I'll be in touch with you to let you know if I'll be needing your help.

Jenny: Oh. Okay.

Burr: Okay.

[Jenny puts her notebook in her bag and stands.]

Jenny: Um, are you firing me, um... because I'm gay?

Burr: Well, I wasn't aware that I'd actually hired you. But I do prefer to have certain things flaunted in my face.

[Jenny walks out.]


[Kit is taking stock behind the bar. Alice sits on a barstool, typing on her laptop.]

Alice: My big catch-phrase-ending could be, um, "Go ask Alice 'cause she knows what's goin' on!" Like... (looks at Kit)

Kit: No, that's good. That's good.

Kit: Um, look, I'm gonna go talk to my new chef.

Alice: What?

Kit: Yeah!

Alice: You got a new chef, that's so cool.

Kit: Girl, I stole her from A.O.C. She was training under Suzanne Goins.

Alice: Maybe I should write about that. I mean, it - it's gotta be better than what I have.

Kit: No, no, yours is really good, Alice! I mean, you just gotta (lowers voice) relax... (raises voice) (smiling) and breathe.

Alice: Benjamin. Right.

Kit: You bet.

Alice: Yeah.

Kit: Okay?

Alice: Yeah.

[Kit walks away. Alice stares at her laptop screen.]

Alice: (sighs) (mumbling) This is Alice Pieszecki reminding you to relax and breathe. Relax and...

[Gabby Devaux enters, sees Alice, and walks over.]

Alice: (mumbling) Reminding you to relax and breathe.

Gabby: Alice.

[Alice looks up.]

Alice: (shocked) Gabby!

Gabby: (smiling) I thought you'd have a more interesting demise than muttering to yourself at The Planet.

Alice: Yeah - wow.

[Gabby smiles and opens her arms.]

Gabby: Gimme a hug.

Alice: Oh. 'Kay. Oh.

Gabby: Hi!

Alice: Hi.

Gabby: You look good.

Alice: Thanks. What's wrong with you?

Gabby: Mm, nothing except that I'm in love.

[Alice raises her brows.]

Gabby: Yeah. Gabby Devaux in love.

Alice: (surprised) Wow.

Gabby: How are you? What's going on with you?

Alice: Um - I'm in love too!

Gabby: (smiles) Aw.

Alice: Yeah. You can't tell? Um, maybe I'm not showing it or something - I'm very private, so.

Gabby: Alice "tell me all your secrets and I'll sell them to the Daily Planet" Pieszecki?

[Alice smiles.]

Gabby: So, who is tDS