03x01 - Labia Majora

[bunniefuu]

EXT. - SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT

[Title card: Palo Alto, California - 1973]

[The exterior of a 60's-era California ranch-style house. An old station wagon drives past.]

INT. - SUBURBAN HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

[Music is playing - maybe Doris Day? Several women sit around the living room, on the couch and in chairs. Each woman has her legs parted slightly, and is holding a mirror between her legs, to see her vulva. Another woman, Teri, stands at the bar pouring drinks.]

Woman #1: (shocked) Oh my god, where is it?

Woman #2: Oh, no, it's horrible!

Woman #3: Don't say it's horrible. It's beautiful.

[Woman #4 is sitting in a chair, holding a mirror with one hand, and a cigarette in the other.]

Woman #4: Well, it sure isn't beautiful. Doll, it looks like burnt curtains.

[The other ladies chuckle.]

Woman #4: But I'll be damned if I'm gonna be called frigid for the rest of my life just 'cause I don't understand what I got goin' on down there.

[Woman #5 is quiet. She blinks a few times, staring at her mirror. Another woman passes a huge bowl of granola down the couch.]

Woman #6: Careful with the granola!

[The women chuckle.]

Woman #7: Girls, if it wasn't for this group, I would still think that Valium was my only hope for survival.

Woman #8: I would still believe in the myth of the vaginal orgasm. Thank you Sigmund Freud, you patronizing, sexist pig! Woo!

Everyone: Woo! Yeah! Right on!

[Woman #5 is quietly reading the book "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex". Her eyes widen.]

Woman #9: Can I just say... I know this is only our fifth meeting, but I already feel closer to all of you than I do my own husband.

Everyone: Aw.

Woman #4: I sure don't know any husband that's going to get this familiar with a bunch of ladies' wiff-waffs.

[The women laugh. Teri sits on the couch next to Marilyn. She turns to her and puts her arm across the back of the couch. Marilyn looks a tad shy.]

Teri: What about you, sweetie? Is this just all too far out for you?

Marilyn: Oh! No. I...

[Marilyn is smiling politely, but looks conflicted, a little embarrassed, and perhaps a little upset.]

Teri: What? Go on, you can tell us. We're your sisters. You can tell us how you're feeling.

[Marilyn looks at the other ladies nervously.]

Marilyn: I... didn't know... Chet, he's just... so fast, and clumsy... I had no idea... about the, um... (smiles) Excuse me.

[She gets up quickly and walks out of the room, into the kitchen. The other ladies are silent. Teri looks around, then sighs.]

Teri: I'm just going to go check on her.

[Teri walks into the kitchen.]

Woman #8: Revival.

[The ladies laugh.]

KITCHEN -

[Marilyn stands at the kitchen sink, nervously folding a dishtowel. She breathes nervously, flustered. Teri calmly walks up.]

Teri: You have a right to be happy.

[Teri takes the dishtowel away and sets it on the counter. Marilyn looks at her, then away.]

Teri: And sexually fulfilled.

[Teri inches closer, then puts her hand on Marilyn's back. Marilyn jumps a little, her breathing getting faster.]

Marilyn: I should -

Teri: Did you know that you can be sexually fulfilled?

Marilyn: I should go. Chet's expecting me.

Teri: So?

[As Teri gets closer, Marilyn becomes more excited, breathing faster.]

Marilyn: (breathless) I have a three-year-old. He sometimes wakes. Night terrors.

Teri: (nodding) Well, what's going to happen if you turn up a little late? Hmm?

[Teri pushes Marilyn's hair away from her neck, then moves behind her. Marilyn shudders. Teri puts a hand on her hip and breathes into her ear.]

Teri: Is the world gonna stop turning? Will he dock your allowance?

[Teri pulls Marilyn to her and kisses the other side of Marilyn's neck. On the screen, we see the name "Teri". From the name, a line is drawn up, and at the end of the line, the name "Marilyn" appears.]

Marilyn: What do I tell him?

[Teri reaches under Marilyn's shirt. Marilyn gasps.]

Teri: Tell him the girls had a lot to talk about tonight. Tell him we're changing the world and it's gonna take some time. Tell him it's no easy task creating equality for women.

[Marilyn breathes heavily, then turns around to Teri.]

[Opening credits]

EXT. - SANTA MONICA - NIGHT

[Tegan and Sara's "So Jealous" plays over various scenes of the Santa Monica Pier in L.A.]

INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT

[Alice is doing her radio show. The studio is nearly dark, aside from a small lamp on her desk.]

Alice: (mic) That was "So Jealous" by Tegan and Sara and I'm Alice Pieszecki and you're listening to "The Chart" on KCRW. Welcome back. Tonight, we are talking about the connection between love and the senses. Your lover... kisses you and... you feel a tremor in the back of your knees.

INT. - DANA'S HOUSE - MORNING

[Dana, still in her PJs, walks through a hallway.]

Alice: (voice over) The synapses fire, sending orders: "Move your legs, move your arms."

INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT

Alice: (mic) "She's the one for you. She's the... girl of your dreams. She's your... one and only..." And you know, because... the smell of her makes your head swim, because... you get a physical jolt every time...

INT. - DANA'S HOUSE - MORNING

[Dana smiles as she walks toward the kitchen.]

Alice: (voice over) ... she sends a glance your way. I mean, she touches you here...

INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT

[Alice touches herself on the neck.]

Alice: (mic) and you feel it... here.

[Alice puts a hand between her legs.]

Alice: (mic) You touch her anywhere, and you feel it everywhere. And then... boom! It's six months later.

INT. - DANA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

Alice: (voice over) And she's touching someone else.

[Dana walks into the kitchen and puts her arms around Lara, who's busy whipping up some breakfast. They kiss.]

Alice: (voice over) "And you might say..."

INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT

Alice: (mic) "Hey, Al... relationships end, lovers leave, leaving labyrinth of heartache and betrayal." For example, my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous former lesbian named April, who I then wound up having a rebound affair with, but we could also talk about Gabby, otherwise known as "Lesbian X", the point of origin for an entire geographical substratum of lesbian linkages. Including Lara.

INT. - DANA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

Dana: Whaddaya makin'?

Lara: Pies.

Dana: Mm. (reading recipe) "6 egg yolks, a quarter cup of heavy cream"? Lara, I can't eat this, I'm training.

Lara: Yes, you can, because, with your metabolism and the workout I'm about to give you, you can indulge in my little breakfast soufflé.

Dana: (laughing) Can I?

Lara: Yes.

Dana: Okay.

[They kiss.]

Dana: Workout, huh?

Lara: Mm-hmm.

[Lara props Dana up on the kitchen counter, knocking dishes into the floor.]

Alice: (voice over) Yes, that same Lara. We love 'er. Lara the Larcenist. Lara the Liberator.

INT. - KCRW STUDIO - NIGHT

Alice: (mic) Lara, the new, uh, true love of - of - of Dana! And, uh...

[Alice opens a prescription pill bottle.]

Alice: (mic) Yeah, I mean, Dana... who told me she needed... (whiny) she needed closure. Closure with Lara.

[Alice takes a pill.]

Alice: (mic) Well. It's six months later and I'm still waiting for it to close.

[Alice washes the pill down with some water.]

INT. - BABY CLASS - DAY

[A medium-sized room full of toys and decorations for infants and toddlers. A bunch of parents sit with their infants in a circle. A man named Angus sits with them in the circle playing a guitar and leading a song. The parents sing along. A couple of the babies are crying.]

Angus/Parents: (singing) "Hel-lo, every-body, so glad to see you. Hel-lo to Lo-la, so glad to see you. Hel-lo to Pi-erce, so glad to see you. Hel-lo to Angelica, so glad to see you."

[We see a few of the parents dancing their babies around. A couple of the babies are wandering around in the circle. Bette and Tina sit with the group, singing. Bette holds Angelica, dancing her to the music. Angelica smiles.]

Angus/Parents: (singing) "Hel-lo, every-body, so glad to see youuuu."

[Everybody claps. All the parents talk in baby talk and help their babies clap.]

Parents: Yay! Yay!

[Angus gets up and goes to get a bucket of musical instruments.]

Angus: It's time for instruments!

Bette: (whispering to Tina) I'll try and get her the triangle today.

Tina: Okay.

[Once Angus sets down the bucket, all the parents lunge on it to get first dibs. Bette lunges, but not fast enough. A young father holding his baby grabs the instrument she's after. Angus goes and puts on a record.]

Bette: Oh, I was - I was just looking for that.

Father: I'm sure there's more.

Bette: No. There aren't. That's the last one.

Father: Sorry.

[The young father sits down with the instrument.]

Bette: assh*le.

[Tina looks up at Bette. Angus looks a little scared. Bette grabs a tambourine and sits down.]

Angus: Okay, does everyone have an instrument? I think it's time to get up for "dance in a circle" time!

[All the parents stand with their children. Angus stands in the center of the circle as they dance around him to the music. Bette holds Angelica, dancing with the tambourine. Tina catches up to the young father.]

Tina: (smiling) Sorry about that.

Father: Uh, it happens. Especially with some of these moms. Which one of you is the...

[Bette dances by and gives him a mean glare.]

Father: ... is the mom?

Tina: I gave birth, actually.

Father: Oh, wow. I would've figured it was her. Your daughter looks a lot like her. She's not your sister, is she?

Tina: She's my partner.

Father: Oh!

Tina: (chuckles) And, um...

[Bette dances by with Angelica and the tambourine. She smiles at Tina and glares at the young father.]

Tina: She's a little stressed out today. We're about to have a home visit from the adoption social worker.

Father: But she's your baby.

Tina: Yeah. I mean... but, not Bette's, at least not according to the law. She has to do this, uh, thing that's called a second parent adoption so that she can legally become Angelica's other parent.

Father: Hmm.

Tina: Complicated?

[They both laugh.]

INT. - DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

[Kit is in the doctor's office for an examination. The doctor is her son, David.]

Kit: This is so weird. I didn't realize it would be so awkward.

David: Doesn't have to be awkward, mom. Just tell me what's been going on, and I'll do my best to help you out.

[David puts a blood pressure cuff on her arm and proceeds to take her blood pressure.]

Kit: I think it started around the time Daddy got sick. I just - I just - didn't deal. I just didn't deal. I know it's my fault for letting it go this long, but he... he was so sick and he needed all my attention and, you know, if I had taken care of myself, we would've caught it before it got this bad -

David: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, mom. Let's not plan your funeral yet. Now what are you symptoms?

[David listens to her pulse in her arm through his stethoscope.]

Kit: (puts her hand to her chest) Breathing... I have a hard time breathing, and heart palpitations and sometimes I have to sit down and catch my breath. And I, um, I'm having these headaches every day. And I know they're connected to something that's bad going on somewhere else - and I - I - I'm having a hard time just concentrating on any one thing.

[David puts his stethoscope around his neck and takes the pressure cuff off Kit's arm.]

David: Well, your blood pressure's a little high, but it's not off the chart. Don't assume the worst, okay? Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna send you for some blood work. We're gonna check your levels, we're gonna run a few tests. Now, I'm actually betting that this is psychological.

[David writes on her chart. Kit raises a brow and looks a little lost on his diagnosis.]

David: You're under a lot of stress running that business all by yourself. Not to mention all the time you're putting in helping them out with Tina's baby.

Kit: Yeah, well it's Bette's baby, too, you know, not just Tina's.

[David hands her a form for tests.]

David: Just call today.

INT. - BABY CLASS - DAY

[The class is over. The parents are leaving. Bette gives an invitation to one of the parents. The invitation has Angelica's footprint stamped on the front. Tina is holding Angelica and talking to the young father a few feet away.]

Bette: (to parent) It's, um, 2:00 to 6:00, on Saturday.

Tina: (to young father) It's for, uh, six month. It's really just an excuse to have a party.

Father: Thanks, I'll try and make it.

Tina: Great. Take care.

Father: See ya.

[He leaves. Bette walks up to Tina.]

Bette: Why'd you invite him?

Tina: He's sweet, I like him.

Bette: He's so... straight.

Tina: Since when did you have a problem with straight people?

Bette: I don't have a problem with straight people, it's just he's so... (draws a square in the air with her fingers) you know, suburban.

Tina: I grew up in the suburbs. Suburbs aren't that terrible. Why does everybody have to be a hipster?

[Bette looks worriedly at Tina, then spots Angus behind Tina.]

Bette: Angus. I have a proposition for you.

[Angus stops what he's doing and stands up to talk to Bette.]

Bette: Would you be interested in playing for the kids at Angelica's six month celebration?

[Tina hears her and walks up to stand next to her, giving her a glare. Bette doesn't pay attention.]

Angus: Wow, yeah, I'll play almost anywhere I'm invited as long as there's a paycheck involved. My band's trying to put out our CD.

Tina: Cool.

[Angus smiles at Angelica. Tina hands her to him.]

Angus: Whaddaya think, Angelica? Want me to rock your half-birthday party?

[Tina looks unhappily at Bette again. Bette ignores her, focused on Angelica.]

Angus: (to Angelica) Maybe some Ozzy? Black Sabbath?

Bette: (smiling) I was actually thinking more "Cock-a-Doodle-Doo".

Angus: Oh, no, that's what you'll get. Thanks, I could really use the cash.

Bette: Great.

Tina: (to Angelica) Oh, c'mere.

[Angus hands Angelica back to Tina.]

INT. - FORTUNE TELLER ROOM - DAY

[Helena and a tarot card reader sit at a table opposite each other.]

Tarot Reader: (reading cards) I am power and beauty, emanating the warmth of the sun through a heart as deep as the ocean.

Helena: Are you sure it's not "pockets as deep as the ocean"?

Reader: It could be. Yeah. Pockets.

[The reader lays down a couple more cards.]

Reader: Uh, you just bought something. Something that most people consider reckless and foolish.

Helena: We are about to close on a deal, but I can't tell you what it is.

Reader: You don't have to say.

[She puts down another card and looks at it.]

Reader: You bought a movie studio.

Helena: My god, how did you know that?

[Helena leans forward to look at the cards.]

Reader: Because the cards know everything.

[She lays down a couple more cards.]

Reader: (pleased) Oh. And there's a romance in your future. See? This is you, The Empress, she knows how to pamper herself but she really knows how to take care of her lovers. And this, the Knight of Wands, that's the love interest. Uh, it's a creative person, an artist of some kind. Volatile and changeable, especially sexually.

Helena: Sexually changeable, what does that mean? Bisexual or something?

Reader: Shuffle and take three more cards.

[Helena shuffles the deck, then pulls out three cards and hands them over. The reader puts them down and looks at them.]

Reader: Bisexual. Yeah. This person is bisexual.

[Helena looks surprised.]

Reader: He or she... uh... she, I think... is going to stand back to back with you, and then face to face.

Helena: What does that mean?

[The reader shakes her head and looks at the cards. She looks confused.]

Reader: I'm sorry, I... can't tell you any more right now. (looks at cards again) Except that she drives a blue car. And she's a brunette.

[Helena raises her brows.]

INT. - DR. FARBER'S OFFICE - DAY

[Dr. Farber, a sex therapist, walks through her office followed by Bette and Tina.]

Dr. Farber: Alright, now, one of you lie down on this fluffy couch and the other one come and pick some material.

[Bette and Tina walk up to the couch. Dr. Farber walks to a cabinet and starts to open it.]

Bette: (to Tina) Mama T, why don't you be the "lier-downer" and I'll go choose some materials for us.

Dr. Farber: No.

[Dr. Farber closes the cabinet and looks at them.]

Bette: What?

Dr. Farber: Please. (to Tina) Do you also call her "Mama B"?

Tina: Uh - yeah, sometimes I do call her "Mama B".

Dr. Farber: (to Tina) Okay, get up. (to Bette) You go sit down. Sit down.

[Dr. Farber shakes her head and sits down. Bette and Tina sit on the couch together.]

Dr. Farber: Alright. Listen. The guiding principle here is that we are trying to rekindle the sexual spark in this long-term relationship. And "Mama T" and "Mama B" do not make mad, passionate love to one another, they make cookies.

[Bette and Tina look appropriately scolded.]

Dr. Farber: (stands) Okay. Now. When you do these sensate-focus exercises at home, (to Bette) Tina - she'll be naked, wearing a blindfold -

[Bette smiles at Tina. Tina blushes and laughs.]

Tina: Oh-ho, no way.

Dr. Farber: What - what's wrong with that?

Tina: I'll feel ridiculous. I don't want anybody staring down at my naked body, tickling me with strips of rubber and suede. I -

[Bette looks agitated. She shakes her head.]

Bette: Well, first of all, I'm not just anybody. I'm your life-partner and would-be lover, and secondly, I find you beautiful.

[Tina sighs and scoffs.]

Tina: You can't possibly find this big, ugly scar and my sagging stomach and my leaky nipples beautiful.

Bette: You cannot tell me what I can and cannot find beautiful. I mean, and I - I don't think this is all about you feeling unattractive or tired. In fact, I hate to say this, but (to doctor) Dr. Farber, I think she's still punishing me for -

Tina: (laughs) I am not punishing you!

Bette: Oh, no?

Tina: I'm exhausted! I am up half the night with Angelica!

[Bette glares at the floor.]

Dr. Farber: Look, let's try something else, alright? Uh... (opens cabinets) We could try the... The Lover's Paintbox.

[Bette glances over at Tina. Tina smiles at her.]

Dr. Farber: Beautiful. Very high-quality chocolate. $33.95.

[Dr. Farber hands the paintbox to Bette and goes back to the cabinet. Bette smiles at Tina but Tina disapproves.]

Tina: (whispering) It's too expensive.

[Bette frowns. Tina knits her brow.]

Dr. Farber: And this The Hot Sex Ice Cube Kit. $19.95, not as expensive.

[Dr. Farber hands them a box each of woman-shaped and penis-shaped ice cube makers.]

Tina: (not very enthusiastic) What do you do with the ice cube kit?

Dr. Farber: Well, you take a cube - and it could be breast-shaped, penis-shaped, whatever - put it in your mouth, let a little water drip on her clit, on her nipples... because, really, one of the big problems of lesbian sexual dysfunction is aversion to oral stimulation...

[Bette gives Tina a sideways glance. Tina squints at her.]

Dr. Farber: ... and those - if you pardon the pun - are a major ice-breaker.

[Bette looks at Tina again. Tina rolls her eyes and looks away. Bette looks at the floor.]

Dr. Farber: Or, if all else fails, try a little... humor!

[Dr. Farber turns around, wearing a red clown nose. Bette and Tina look at each other. Tina raises her brows.]

Dr. Farber: C'mon, a little levity never hurt anybody's sex life. (sits) Okay, so. What time do you put Angelica down to sleep?

Tina: Oh, well, it differs every night. We don't really have her on a schedule.

Bette: Yeah.

Dr. Farber: Tonight, get her to sleep, put her in the crib -

Bette: No, we don't put her down. We're practicing attachment parenting. We try to keep her in contact with another human body as much as possible.

[Dr. Farber laughs a little. She looks worried. She takes off the clown nose.]

Dr. Farber: Where is she right now?

INT. - THE PLANET - DAY

[Dana, Lara, Shane, and Carmen sit around a table having drinks.]

Dana: My turn. Oh, yeah!

[Carmen is holding Angelica. She hands her to Dana. Dana holds Angelica up in the air.]

Dana: Woohoo! (laughs)

[Everyone smiles at them.]

Dana: I wouldn't say my parents are happy about it, necessarily, I would just say that they've... they've accepted it, sort of in their own way.

Lara: Yeah, they don't try and fix you up with guys anymore, so that's good.

Dana: That's good.

Lara: Yeah.

Carmen: (eating) The whole, uh, coming-out-to-your-parents-in-a-Mexican-family, that stuff? Mm-mmm, there's something about it. It doesn't really play.

Shane: No. So you just stay in the closet.

Carmen: No, sweetheart.

Shane: (smiling) Yes.

Carmen: You don't just stay in the closet. There are certain things that are understood, and it is understood that we do not talk about those things. Like, I have htis Uncle Poppy. He borrowed his sister's prom dress one year, and uh, what he did with that prom dress, we don't know. And guess what? We don't ask.

[Lara chuckles. Bette and Tina walk into the cafe and head towards the table.]

Tina: (to Bette) I found it disconcerting, that's all.

Bette: Why? What's wrong with "clit"?

Tina: It's a little graphic. I prefer that our therapist use a more neutral language.

Bette: So "clit" made you uncomfortable?

Tina: A little, yeah.

Bette: What about "c**t", do you have a problem with "c**t"? (to Angelica) Hey, Boo Boo!

Dana: (to Angelica) Look who it is!

Tina: (re: topic) It's not my favorite.

Bette: (to everyone) Hey...

Dana: Mama.

[Dana hands Angelica to a smiling Bette.]

Bette: Hi!

Tina: Actually, I like "p*ssy".

Carmen: Oh. Hear! Hear! I love p*ssy.

[Shane leans forward to Carmen and motions to the baby.]

Shane: Excuse me.

Carmen: Hmm?

Tina: (laughing) Shane, it's not as though she can really understand what we're talking about.

Shane: You don't know that.

Dana: What are you - what are you talking about?

Bette: Well, Tina has a problem with the word "clit", which I find somewhat troubling, and she's also not too fond of "c**t".

[Bette looks at Tina. Tina glares at Bette.]

Lara: Oh, my god, I love the word "c**t". I get totally hot.

Dana: No - you do?!

Lara: Yeah! Don't you?

Dana: I... (shrugs)

Bette: Well, what words do you use?

[Dana opens her mouth to speak, then stops, then tries again, then stops again.]

Shane: "p*ssy" works for me.

Carmen: Mm-hmm. "Beaver" is also fun sometimes and I like "twat".

[Everyone laughs.]

Carmen: (to Shane) Actually, I really like "twat"! You know that.

Shane: (chuckles) I know.

Carmen: Aww, babe!

[Shane chuckles. They kiss.]

Tina: See, I just grew up in a world of euphemisms, like "down there", "nether regions", "private parts", "naughty bits"... "Uh oh, don't touch your no-no!"

Dana: (laughs) I was the same way. "Private parts", "lady parts"... "lady parts", "it".

[Alice approaches the table behind Dana and Lara. Everybody else sees her before Dana does.]

Alice: Then who came up with "peeper"?

[Dana looks at Alice and laughs. Alice grins.]

Alice: Peeper! Peeper, peeper, peeper.

Bette: Mama T, why don't you feed her for a while, I think she's hungry.

[Bette hands the baby to Tina.]

Tina: (confused) She's fine.

[Alice, still finding it hilarious, kneels down by Dana and continues.]

Alice: Peeper, peeper, peeper! "Touch my peeper, Al. Nobody touches my peeper like you do."

[Dana and Lara look annoyed. Alice grins. Bette looks disappointed in Alice's behavior.]

Alice: "Oh, look what happens to my peeper when it touches your peeper. It's a wet peeper!"

Shane: Alice...

Dana: We're gonna go.

Alice: It's a wet, wet peeper.

[Dana and Lara get their stuff and leave.]

Dana: You win, Al.

[Alice stands, watching them go, and smiles.]

Alice: Peeper.

[As they depart, Alice hangs her head and sighs heavily.]

Tina: (holding Angelica up) Oh, baby, say hello to Auntie Alice.

Bette: Mama T, can you just put her - really, just put her -

Tina: Say hello! Say hello! Say hello!

[Bette frowns. Alice flumps into a seat and crosses her arms.]

Bette: So what are you on now?

Alice: I'm on methylphenidate. Possible side effects are (clears throat) - include, um, Tourette's. (sighs)

[Bette looks a little worried at Alice.]

Tina: It's okay. We're all a little stressed out right now.

Carmen: Totally.

[Shane nods.]

Bette: Yeah, Tina and I, we have our first home visit with the adoption social worker today.

Shane: Ah. I'm going to meet Carmen's mother.

Carmen: Mm-hmm.

Shane: And have dinner with her entire family.

Carmen: And.

Shane: I'm gonna act straight.

[Bette laughs.]

Carmen: Who wins!

Tina: You win.

Bette: Yeah, you win.

INT. - YOGA CLASS - DAY

[The class instructor leads the class from his mat at the front of the room. Fifteen or so other students follow his lead on their own Yoga mats, facing him. Helena and Alice are in the class together.]

Instructor: Inhale, take the gaze up part-way. Exhale, stepping back. To dandasana, lowering down. Inhale, coming into up-dog. Opening up the chest through the arms. Exhaling back into downward-facing dog. Now let's step from down-dog, the right foot up beside the right hand. We're going into warrior one, people, virabhardrasana.

[Helena grunts as she gets into position. One leg is stretched behind her; the other is bent at the knee in front. She raises her arms over her head. Next to her, Alice gets halfway through her own positioning before bursting into tears. Her face is already tear-streaked, her nose is red, and her eyes are puffy, as if she's already been crying for a while.]

Helena: (grunting) Oh, I know, this stuff's really hard. It kills me.

[Alice sobs terribly. Helena goes over to comfort her.]

Helena: Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I thought this would be good for you. Is there anything I can do?

Alice: (sobbing) Oh, no, you're a good friend. You're a good friend!

Instructor: Now, pivot on the ball of the left foot.

[Helena gets back into position.]

Instructor: Drop that heel to the ground. Turn the toes out 45 degrees. Is everyone cool with that?

[Alice sobs more quietly. She eases into the warrior pose and sniffles, trying to breathe.]

Helena: Oh, you poor thing. Is it Dana?

[Alice takes a long, deep breath.]

Alice: (still crying) I don't know.

[Alice puts her arms up in the air, like the others. The instructor is walking around, looking at everyone's technique.]

Alice: (sobbing) It could be these new dr*gs I'm on.

Another student: Shh!

[The instructor walks over and straightens out Alice's pose.]

Instructor: 'Mkay. And drop your shoulder blades down your back.

[Alice sighs, then starts to cry again. The instructor moves on to another student.]

Alice: (sobbing) I just... I feel a little unpredictable. But I don't know, maybe... maybe it's just making me spontaneous, you know. Like I'm ready, I'm rea -

Instructor: Shhh. No talking.

[Alice straightens up her stance a tiny bit and sighs again, then starts to sob all over again.]

Instructor: Okay, now, let's all partner up with the person on the mat next to us. I want you to turn back-to-back.

[The instructor grabs Alice and Helena and puts them so they are back to back. He loops their arms together.]

Instructor: And link arms.

[Alice takes a breath and tries to focus.]

Instructor: Now. The person facing the front of the room, I want you to bend forward and gently stretch your partner's back.

[Alice nods.]

Instructor: Gently. Bounce and stretch.

[Alice gruffly leans forward and bounces, sobbing again. Helena is helpless, arms still linked through Alice's.]

Helena: Alice!

Instructor: Good, now switch.

[Alice quickly straightens back up. Helena plants her feet, red-faced. Alice cries and sniffles. Their arms are still interlocked; now it's Helena's turn. She tries to turn around and look at Alice.]

Alice: (sniffling) Wait, wait. We're not quite back-to-back.

[Helena faces away from Alice. They synch up.]

Alice: Okay.

[Helena slowly leans forward, lifting Alice onto her back. Alice just lays there and begins to cry again.]

Alice: (sobbing) Oh, god...

Instructor: Okay, once you've both done the stretch, I want you to stand, and turn to face your partners...

[Helena carefully stands up. The unlock arms and turn toward each other. Helena looks at Alice sadly.]

Instructor: ... and grip one-another's shoulders like this.

[The instructor takes a student and shows the class. He and the student put their arms on each other's shoulders, keeping their arms straight. Alice and Helena assume the position, facing each other.]

Instructor: And bend your knees.

Alice: (deep breath) Oh, god.

Helena: Holy sh*t.

Alice: What?

Helena: We were back-to-back and now we're face-to-face.

Alice: Yeah, I know, that's what he said to do. Ready? (deep breath) Oookay.

[Alice frowns and squints through her puffy, red eyes as they both bend their knees and begin to lower to the floor. Alice stares at her and starts to sob loudly again. Helena grimaces.]

EXT. - YOGA CLASS - PARKING LOT - DAY

[The class is over. Helena is walking Alice to her car. Alice isn't crying now.]

Helena: Saturday there's a Fuse event at Falcon. We should go.

Alice: Helena, I can't even remember how to say hello to a girl at a bar.

Helena: I'll help you. We'll scope the place out, you see anybody you like, and -

[They get to her car. Helena stops.]

Helena: Your car's... blue.

[Alice looks at her car. It's all dusty on the outside, and full of junk inside.]

Alice: I... I know it's... it's dirty, I'm usually such a neat-freak. Really. You'll never meet anyone tidier than me, it's just...

[Alice opens the hatchback on her car and puts her stuff in.]

Helena: Since... Dana. Yeah.

Alice: You know, my life is sh*t, Helena. Okay? (closes hatchback) You saw me in there. I'm good for 5 minutes on these meds and then it - and then -

Helena: And then it wears off.

Alice: Yeah.

Helena: That's the trouble with medication. Maybe you should just -

Alice: I should take more. I should take a higher dose. Yes, of course.

[Alice reaches in her jacket pocket and pulls out a bottle of pills.]

Alice: It's the - I just - it's very - not precise, this pill-popping business, you know?

[Alice opens the bottle and pours several pills into her mouth. She goes to get in her car. Helena wipes some of dust off on her finger.]

Alice: Are you judging me? I mean, I would understand if you were, but...

Helena: No, I - just...

[Alice gets in her car. She's about to shut the door when she suddenly gets out and hugs Helena.]

Alice: I - you're a good friend. You're a good friend. Good friend.

[Alice jumps back in her car and closes the door. Helena looks very baffled and worried. She heads off to her own car. Alice roots around in her junk for her keys.]

Alice: (muffled) f*ck!

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

[Auntie Kit is carrying Angelica into the living room. Bette is in the dining room trying to clear the dining table of several large black and white photographs. The phone is ringing.]

Bette: Kit, can you help me with this table before you go? She'll be here in two seconds.

[A car horn honks outside several times. Bette and Kit push the leaves of the table in.]

Bette: Jesus, what is their f*cking problem?

Kit: (to Angelica) Here we are, okay.

[Tina comes in from the bedroom, agitated.]

Tina: That's the social worker. She needs help getting up porch steps.

[Tina heads to the front door. Kit gives Angelica to Bette.]

Kit: Here you go.

Bette: Here we go Angelica! Here, Boo Boo. Let's go meet the social worker.

FRONT PORCH -

[Ms. Roberta Collie, the social worker, is in a wheelchair. She rolls out of her van and up the walk to the front porch, where Tina, Bette, and Kit greet her with Angelica. Miss Collie doesn't seem terribly enthused to be there.]

Tina: Hi! You made it.

Bette: Hello Miss Collie, I'm Bette Porter. It's really nice to meet you.

[Roberta shakes hands with Bette...]

Bette: This is my partner Tina Kennard.

[... and Tina.]

Tina: Hi.

Bette: And this is my sister, Kit Porter.

[Kit smiles.]

Bette: And this is Angelica.

Roberta: I think you may wanna put that baby down and help me up these steps.

Bette: Well, we don't really put her down, but I think we'll be okay.

Roberta: What do you mean you don't put her down?

Bette/Tina: Well, we're -

Tina: - practicing attachment parenting.

Roberta: Well I say anything that can be attached, can be detached. So why don't you detach the baby, put her in her crib for a few moments so you don't drop me.

[Bette stands in shock. Tina and Kit move to help Miss Collie up the porch steps.]

Kit: I think Tina and I can manage this, okay?

[Kit and Tina start to bring the wheelchair up the steps.]

Bette: Anyway, we don't have a crib.

[Tina snaps a look at Bette for the umpteenth time.]

Tina: We bought one, but it became apparent that we weren't gonna use it, so we donated it to a family in East L.A. That's where I work.

[Roberta is now on the porch.]

Roberta: You have a six month-old baby and you don't have a crib.

Kit: Okay. Good luck, mommies.

[Kit leaves. Roberta turns and wheels in to the house, nearly hitting Tina and Bette.]

INT. - ALICE'S CAR - L.A. STREETS - DAY

[Alice is driving in traffic. Something distracts her in another lane and she swerves and yells at the other drivers.]

Alice: Oh, c**t! (hits horn) c**t!

[Alice looks over in the lane next to her just as a black car goes by. It's Dana.]

Alice: Hi! Dana?

[The car goes past.]

DANA'S CAR -

[Dana looks over a little, realizing she just passed Alice. She tenses up and drives faster. Alice drives faster to keep up.]

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: Dana! Oh, f*ck you! f*ck you!

DANA'S CAR -

[Dana checks her mirrors and looks a little scared.]

ALICE'S CAR -

[Alice drives faster, but Dana starts to get away.]

Alice: (hitting horn) Going to get away? You think you're going to get away?

[Alice swerves into the lane behind Dana to speed up to her. Dana starts to drive even faster, swerving in and out of traffic dangerously.]

DANA'S CAR -

[Dana is white-knuckling the steering wheel, eyes wide, watching her mirrors.]

ALICE'S CAR -

[Alice zooms wildly in and out of traffic, still driving faster. She speeds up alongside Dana.]

Alice: (shouting) Oh, f*ck you! Dana!

[Dana is on her cell phone. She looks at Alice just as Alice's cell phone rings. Alice answers. It's Dana.]

DANA'S CAR -

Dana: (phone) Are you insane?!

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: (phone) Am I insane?! You're the one who did it, Dana! Okay!

DANA'S CAR -

Dana: (phone) Just stop it, Al!

ALICE'S CAR -

[The two go racing through an intersection, paying no attention whatsoever to traffic.]

Alice: (phone) You did this!

DANA'S CAR -

Dana: (phone) Just stop it!

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: (phone) I didn't leave you! Okay!

[Dana manages to speed ahead. Alice swerves to miss a garbage bin in the road.]

Alice: (phone) God!

DANA'S CAR -

Dana: (phone) Alice - !

[Dana drops her phone and makes a hard left at an intersection, tires screeching. Alice is hot on her heels. Several cars honk and slam on their brakes to miss them.]

ALICE'S CAR -

[The call waiting on Alice's phone beeps.]

Alice: (phone) Hold on, Dana, I'm getting another call, hold on, okay!

DANA'S CAR -

[Dana snarls and looks at the phone.]

Dana: (at phone) ARGH!

ALICE'S CAR -

[Alice answers the other call in a pleasant voice.]

Alice: (clears throat) (phone) Hello?

EXT. - HELENA'S HOUSE - POOL - DAY

[Helena's huge Hollywood mansion sits on a cliff by the beach, with a pool overlooking the ocean. Helena is in her sunbathing garb and high heels at a business meeting by the pool. As her associates are all sipping champagne, Helena breaks away from the meeting to talk to Alice on the phone.]

Helena: (phone) Alice? It's Helena. Look, I wanted you to be the first to know -

Alice: (phone) Yeah, Helena -

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: (phone) Hold - I - can you just - hold on - I'm just - I'm - Dana's trying to get away from me, hold on.

HELENA'S HOUSE -

Helena: (phone) Dana's what?

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: (phone) I just - all - she start -

[The phone falls out of Alice' hand and lands between her legs.]

Alice: f*ck!

[Alice grabs the phone just in time to see she's in the oncoming traffic lane. She swerves out; cars go by blasting their horns.]

Alice: (phone) Hey! I'm back.

HELENA'S HOUSE -

Helena: I'm buying a movie studio, Alice.

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: (phone) That - that's great, Helena, that's so good, I can't really talk right now though.

[Alice swerves crazily and speeds up until she's finally on Dana's bumper again.]

Helena: (phone) No - no, no. I need to ask you one quick question, Alice.

[Dana speeds ahead again.]

Alice: Dana, f*ck!

HELENA'S HOUSE -

Helena: (phone) - wondering what your natural haircolor is.

Alice: (phone) Oh! Umm...

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: (phone) I guess if I go back to childhood, it's, y'know, I would consider myself a blonde...

HELENA'S HOUSE -

[Helena either seems a bit relieved, or a bit let down.]

Alice: (phone) Umm... It kinda depends on what angle you look at me.

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: (phone) I mean, it's kind of up for interpretation. If you look at me from one angle, it could be, uh... uh... you know, a light-ish dirty blonde, er... y'know, from another angle it could be sort of a - a - very pale brunette.

[At the intersection, Dana turns right just as the light turns red. Alice slams on her brakes and barely misses flying out into cross traffic.]

Alice: (phone) God - god dammit, I lost her. Hold on a sec, k?

HELENA'S HOUSE -

Helena: (phone) Alice??

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: (phone) Hey Dane. Dane? Um, are you planning on going straight down Sunset, or do you think that maybe you might turn off?

DANA'S CAR -

[Dana grinds her teeth and throws the phone down.]

ALICE'S CAR -

Alice: (phone) Dana?

[Dialtone.]

Alice: (phone) Dana?

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

[Bette and Tina stand nearby, holding Angelica, as Roberta looks around the house, inspecting it for her adoption review. She stops by a large sculpture on a table in the living room. It's of a large, leather-and-buckle S&M glove, with a huge hand in it, holding a paddle covered in nails. MC touches the nails and scoffs.]

Roberta: You haven't exactly baby-proofed, have you?

Bette: Well, I don't really believe in baby-proofing, per se, I mean first of all, it's ugly, and I really want Angelica to develop an intrinsic sense of beauty.

Roberta: Mm-hmm.

[Roberta is by the fireplace. She picks up an iron fire poker.]

Roberta: Well, I can tell that's important to you, Bette. Presumably, it's why I don't see an abundance of brightly colored, stimulating, interactive plastic toys strewn around the home.

Bette: (laughs) Exactly.

[Roberta goes and checks out the dining room.]

Roberta: And from the point of view of safety?

Bette: Well, Miss Collie, I truly believe -

Roberta: Call me Roberta.

Bette: Roberta. I - I believe that children can learn what's safe and what's not safe through tactile encounters.

[Roberta pokes at all the hard corners and pointy edges of furniture.]

Bette: I mean, at this age, uh, she can't really grasp concepts, she can only have experiences.

Roberta: So you're planning to let her put her hand in the fire.

[Tina looks at a loss. She defers to Bette, who's still smiling.]

Bette: Metaphorically.

Roberta: I'll give you a metaphor, Bette. Go ahead and throw yourself off the 405 overpass. It'll hurt like hell, and damn straight you won't do it again because you'll be dead.

Tina: It's not like we're totally opposed to baby-proofing... I - she's not even crawling yet.

[Roberta continues to look around. When she turns, she sees a huge painting that shows many things in a theme, among them police officers and well-known civil rights figures such as Malcolm X. Tina and Bette continue talking to her and to each other and Angelica, oblivious to Roberta's reaction to the painting. Angelica coos happily.]

Tina: (to Angelica) I know.

Bette: Yeah, she's not even crawling.

Tina: I've done research on pool covers and fences and - the fences are really ugly, Bette hates them a lot.

Bette: Yeah, really a lot.

EXT. - THE SHECTER HOME - SKOKIE, ILLINOIS - DAY

[A big, conservative home surrounded by trees and landscaping. Birds are chirping. A dog barks in the distance. Jenny goes in the front door.]

Jenny: (voice over) Mom?

INT. - THE SHECTER HOME - DAY

Sandy: Hello, darling.

[Jenny goes in to the large home, takes off her coat, and goes up a set of stairs to the dining room, where her mom, Sandy Ziskin, is busy setting the table for Sabbath dinner.]

Sandy: Now, we've really got to hurry, here. We've got one hour until sundown. So... here, can you take that in, and put that up there? And then I'm gonna get you to get the china down.

[Jenny follows her mother to the dinner table and helps her spread out the table cloth.]

Sandy: Your father wants everyone to go to shul. He says this is your last dinner here in Skokie.

[Jenny starts putting the plates down on the table cloth.]

Jenny: I had my last therapy session with Dr. Peretz today.

Sandy: (smiling) Hmm.

[Sandy walks to the other side of the table.]

Sandy: You know your father's invited the Cranes for dinner. Marshall's back from MIT. He's gonna be at shul.

Jenny: You know what would be really awesome, if you could please ask my step-father to stop setting me up with guys. Especially Marshall Crane.

Sandy: And what's wrong with Marshall? He's a mathematical genius.

Jenny: Nothing.

Sandy: Hm?

Jenny: Except for the fact that he's a man, and I -

Sandy: Don't start, Jenny.

[Sandy gives Jenny a stern look, then continues to set up the table.]

Sandy: We all know you were sick.

Jenny: That's not part of my (airquotes) sickness.

Sandy: Oh! And is that what Dr. Peretz has been telling you?

Jenny: Dr. Peretz doesn't have a problem with my sexual orientation, mom.

[Sandy puts her hands on her hips then walks over to Jenny.]

Sandy: (sighs) Well, uh, then I have to tell you that I think Dr. Peretz is as sick as you are.

[Jenny walks off.]

EXT. - EAST L.A. - STREETS - DAY

[The sun is going down. We see sh*ts of beautiful urban murals painted on the sides of buildings, depicting religious themes.]

EXT. - CARMEN'S FAMILY'S HOME - EAST L.A. - DAY

[We pass several two-story homes, finally arriving at a modest home surrounded by a white fence. The home is modestly decorated with potted plants and a rose bush. Carmen and Shane pull up in Shane's Jeep, Carmen driving. Shane stares at the house.]

Shane: I don't know about this.

Carmen: Why? What's wrong?

Shane: It's too soon.

Carmen: No. I'm telling you. You're gonna be fine, okay? Just - they don't think like that, alright, so all you have to do is be yourself. They are going to f*cking love you.

[Shane continues to stare at the house as Carmen gets out. Carmen slams the car door, and Shane jumps. Carmen goes around to Shane's door. Shane gets out and adjusts her shirt.]

Shane: Okay?

Carmen: Yeah. You look beautiful.

[Shane motions for Carmen to go ahead.]

Carmen: Okay.

INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

[Everyone's settled down and Roberta is taking notes as Bette talks. Angelica sits in Bette's lap, while Tina occupies her with a wooden spoon and a pan to bang on.]

Bette: The show debuts next month at the Slate Museum. It's called "The Art of Dissent".

Roberta: I see. And does a person actually get paid for something like that?

Bette: Oh, well it's not a full-time job. I'm just doing it as a passion project while I'm looking for a more permanent position.

Roberta: So you're unemployed.

Bette: Well, just for the last six months. I mean, I've been offered several positions, but just none that I - that I passionately wanna do.

[The baby continues to bang on the pan and make happy little noises, which is grating on Roberta's nerves.]

Roberta: Is that absolutely necessary?

Tina: What, I'm sorry?

Roberta: The infant, the spoon, the banging and clanging, can you not just put it away for 15 minutes?

Bette: Mama T, can you just put the -

Tina: Oh, yeah.

[Tina puts the pan down.]

Bette: - pots and pans down.

Roberta: (irritated) I meant the baby.

[Bette gawks at Roberta, then hands the baby to Tina.]

Bette: Why don't you just nurse her for a while?

[Tina takes the baby and prepares to nurse her.]

Roberta: Okay, let me just review. (reading notes) No baby-proofing. Passionately unemployed. Harbors sexually-explicit, anti-patriotic propaganda masquerading as art. What about men?

Bette: Men?

Tina: You do know that we're lesbians, right?

Roberta: Yes. That matter was fairly explicitly touted on your petition to the state, which is all the more reason why I find the man question critical. How is Angelica going to know what a man is?

Bette: (laughing) All she has to do is turn on the television, they're everywhere.

Tina: Our child's going to be around a lot of men.

[Tina's done feeding the baby. She sets her on her lap.]

Roberta: But will there be a significant man? I mean, is she going to know one special man's voice? I mean - how is she going to know what a man feels like?

[Bette curls her upper lip and looks at Tina.]

Roberta: What he smells like? Will she ever... rub her cheek up against a scratchy, unshaven face?

[Bette looks a little aghast as Roberta seems to drift off into a fantasy.]

Roberta: Play with the... little curly hairs on his chest... or his back...

[We hear a car pull up, then WHAM - a car wreck, then air hissing from a radiator. Roberta is jarred out of her fantasy.]

Tina: Whoa...

[Bette gets up to go look out the window, but before she even gets there, we hear Alice outside, shouting like a maniac.]

Alice: (outside) Where the f*ck did that come from?!

[Bette peers out the window to the driveway, where she sees Alice hurling obscenities and kicking her car - which she's crashed into Roberta's van.]

Alice: (outside) sh*t, m*therf*cker! Goddammit! Jesus Christ!

[Alice heads for the front door just as the front grill and bumper falls off her car.]

Bette: Great.

[Bette heads to the front door just as Alice comes flying through it, still shouting.]

Alice: Well, Jesus f*ck!

Tina: What happened?

Alice: Well, I'm coming in the driveway and this big, f*cking ridiculous thing's in the way!

Roberta: Ridiculous, how?

Alice: Is that your car? Because you could maybe have moved it up a little. There's like ten feet in front of you.

Roberta: (to Bette) Do you know

this person? Anyway, whatever, I'm sorry I tapped your car.

Tapped?! Tina, I think it's these dr*gs I'm on, I just got in a car chase with Dana.

You got in a car chase with Dana? Yeah, I kinda ran her off the road.

What?! Anyway, look, lady, I don't know.

I mean, your car's fine, it's like mine got the worst of it, if you could look.

You know, it's like, it would have been a lot less damage if you drove a normal car.

"Normal.

" She didn't mean it that way.

That's not what she meant.

Let's just hope she doesn't have a lot of contact with the child.

I'll be going now.

Uh, I happen to be the Earth Mother? I would've been the godmother, but I don't believe in god.

Of course you don't.

Well, it wasn't even my idea, it was Mama B's.

Of course it was.

I'll be back in ten days.

You're coming back? We do two home-visits per case.

So you'll get a second chance.

But first impressions are hard to overcome.

Help, please, and move car! Oh.

She's really too much.

Help, please! Today! - C'mon, eat more, you so skinny! - No no.

She's so skinny, don't you feed her? No, mommy, I don't feed her, she feeds herself.

- Here.

- Such a pretty girl, too.

Don't you think she's pretty? Yes, mom, she's very pretty.

Thank you.

Shane! Carmen says that you're a hairdresser? I am.

Uh who does your hair? Oh, I do.

It's the look, mama.

Yeah.

It's the b*mb.

Do you know cousin Evi? No, I don't believe I do.

Mom, this is the first time she's met anyone in our family.

Evi's an assistant hairdresser.

She works downtown at Jose's Hair Experience.

That's - that's very cool.

Your family, Chane, they live in Los Angeles? You see them all the time? Por qu� le preguntas tanto mami, please? (Why are you asking her so many questions, mom, please?) Carmen Please, mom, c'mon! Uh, actually, I'm from Austin.

And I think my family are still there.

You think? Uh, you don't know where your family is? I - I just haven't seen them in a while.

Bego�a, �qu� est�n diciendo? (Bego�a, what are they talking about?) Um, dice que no ha visto a su familia en mucho tiempo.

(She says that she hasn't seen her family in a very long time.

) Carmen.

Hm? I don't understand.

Her family Uh, oh, well, um she grew up in foster care.

So, she hasn't met her father And, uh, she never really knew her mother, either.

So.

Ay, pobrecita (Oh, poor girl) We're your family now.

Okay? Okay? Tu familia.

(Your family.

) Thank you! Gracias, thank you.

Song : Kiss the World - Artist : Catlow How ya doing? Hi! How are you? I'm alright.

Yeah? How's the book going? I - I don't know, I think it's okay.

I think it's good, I think I'm almost done, which means I'm gettin' ready to blow outta this town.

I been thinking about it.

What? I wanna go for it.

f*ck off you wanna come to L.

A.

with me? Yeah.

I'm excited! Mom, what are we doing in here? Marisela's quincea�era.

(15 year celebration) Next Friday.

Chane has to come.

- Mother, no, please.

- S�! Wha - what's a quinceara? A quincea�era.

It's like a - uh - sweet 15.

Ohh.

En M�xico es una tradici�n muy importante.

(In Mexico, it's a very important tradition.

) And I have something for you.

It's this religious ceremony, it takes place in a church, and it's a huge party with gowns, and a tiara, and bouquets - - Uh-huh.

- and the whole thing.

Cuando yo ten�a tu edad, era flaquita como t� Believe or not.

(When I was your age, I was skinny like you.

) She says she used to be skinny, just like you.

�Cu�ndo eras delgada mamita? I don't remember that! (When were you thin, mom?) �D�nde esta el vestido que us� para la quincea�era de mi hermana Bego�a? (Where is the dress I wore to my sister Bego�a's sweet 15 celebration?) Ah! Aqu� est�! How pretty! (Here it is!) Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah! Eh, no You know, I think that it would look a lot better on Carmen.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- No, Carmen is like this, you like that Como yo, as� era (Like how I was.

) Well, maybe not so skinny.

You have a boyfriend, Chane? Not yet.

Oh, you will.

Put it on, I go get my sewing kit.

My mother loves you! I know she does.

And I love her.

Oh, my gosh! - But please don't make me do this.

- Oh, please, you have to put it on.

Oh, babe What are you doing, she's gonna come in.

Okay.

Don't, don't, don't Hey, it's okay.

But you feel so good.

Aw, Carmen, don't make me do this Put your hands in.

It's okay.

Please, for me.

C'mon.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh! That is so pretty! Oh! Oh! Yeah.

Oh, look at that.

Oh You know, but this is so generous of you, I - I kinda feel bad taking it away from you.

Ah, don't be ridiculous.

You are familia now, remember? There.

Yes, s�.

Ah? Ohh! That's somethin' else.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm! Poor baby.

This is going to make you all better.

Thank you.

Good? What is that? Double lemon sugar cookies with lavender and rosemary infusion.

Trying them out on you.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Good? Yes.

Thank you.

Song : I Will Go Quietly - Artist : Shivaree I wanna wait until my parents are asleep, when I get my stuff, because I don't want to start a thing with them tonight.

You mean, like a teenage runaway? Yes.

'Cause my mom still puts me in that place, you know? I don't think it's gonna take me more than, I don't know, 20 minutes to pack because I didn't bring a lot of stuff because I didn't think I'd be here in Skokie for six months.

Yeah.

Well, then we can swing by my place.

I'm up in Wilmette.

Really we really gonna do this? I been planning on going to L.

A.

from the time I got outta college.

That's like two years now.

f*ck.

Where did you go to college? Um, Harper College Tech.

What did you study? I do website design and programming.

Uh-huh.

And network administration, wireless networking, uh, web optimization - Are you thinking about having sex with me right now? It's crossed my mind.

Who did that to you? I did it to myself.

What are you doing? You have a lump.

What? Right there.

Oh, I know, it's been there forever.

It's nothing.

Dana.

What? Well, you should get it checked out.

I've had it checked out.

Oh, you have.

Yes, you - they're very sexy, sinewy, fibrous breasts, now kiss me.

Jen? Get up! What the hell do you think you're doing? How dare you treat us this way, after we opened our home to you.

How dare you bring a man back into this house! I would never do that, Warren.

I want you to meet Moira.

She lives over in Wilmette.

Nice to meet you.

S - sorry.

Get out of here.

That's what I'm doing, Warren, just give me a couple of minutes.

Now.

I want you out now.

Actually You've wanted me out of this house from the moment I set foot in here.

What is it, Warren? Am I too f*cked up for you? Am I too perverted? Look at me.

Do I remind you of how messy and out of control your life is? Warren? I'm just not the girl you wanted me to be.

Jennifer, stop.

No, you stop.

When are you gonna start being an actual person? And not this silent sl*ve to this man.

Don't you dare disrespect your mother.

That's a privilege that's reserved for you.

I - don't know what more we can do.

Nothing.

There's nothing more you can do for me to make me the person that you are comfortable with.

Because I'm not gonna marry that nice Jewish boy.

Not gonna have those nice Jewish kids.

I'm not gonna shut up.

And be subservient.

I'm not gonna set the dinner table and pretend that bad things don't happen.

Because when you don't talk about them, they get worse, Warren.

Let's go.

Jennifer? Can you hang on a sec? Hey.

Jennifer, I don't - I don't understand, here.

Are you trying to punish me? No I'm grateful.

To you.

You did a good job with me.

And I'm not trying to punish you.

Is this because of what happened when you were a little girl? Is that why you turned out this way? Why didn't you protect me? Oh there there was nothing I could do to change what happened.

I know - Mom, but you could have comforted me, you could've told me that it wasn't my fault.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you for what? Because.

It's the first time that you've ever acknowledged what happened to me.

I have to go.

Artist: Tegan And Sara - Song: So jealous Bye.

What are you lookin' at? Have you noticed any changes in your hair, skin? Oh - oh, my skin, definitely, it - it's blotchy and - it used to be like silk! And you already said that you'd been experiencing, um, mood swings, loss of energy.

Agh, David, do not f*cking protect me.

Please tell me what it is.

You know, I'd rather know what it is so I - I - I wanna know so I can deal with it! Mom, I just need to ask you a few more questions.

Now, are you having any memory problems? Excuse me, I'm sorry, I forgot the question.

What about, uh you know, vaginal dryness? - What? - I'm - I'm sorry, mom.

But it's important that I ascertain these things.

Oh, no, no, no.

We do not go there, I am you mother and you are my son.

And my punaany, dry or not dry, is something we do not discuss.

Song : Jena b*at - Artist : Othello 9 I have a friend in England, and her daughter calls it "front bottom".

"Front bottom"? Mm, that's twisted.

I had a girlfriend once - yes, remember when I had a girlfriend - uh, no, but she called it her "pretty, pink pearl".

"P-P-P".

Not to be confused with "hairy pee-pee.

" You know what's really lovely? Hm.

"Yoni".

- Ew.

- Oh, god.

It's Sanskrit.

No, no.

I like, like, a non-Sanskrit trashy thing like "tongue-trap".

Yeah.

Or a, uh, "bald man in a boat"! "Breakfast of champions".

That's good.

"Munchbox"! "Wee wee".

"Ha ha".

"Hoo hoo".

"Mimi".

"Fuckhole.

" What else? "Calcunta"! Hey, Kit! What's wrong? What's going on? I just found out I've got menopause.

Oh, Kit.

Aw.

Ooh.

No, it's okay.

No more periods.

Yeah, you don't have to take Carrie to the prom anymore.

No more mood swings.

Eventually.

No more Tampons or pads.

No more Midol or Excedrin or Tylenol or any of that stuff.

Yeah.

But once the monkey goes south, that's the end of it.

No, Kit, that's not true.

There are a lot of menopausal women who are very sexually active.

Yeah, that's true.

You can still get it on.

And you are still gonna be doing the hanky-panky 'til the cows come home.

Okay? Yeah.

Get yourself a little hot beef injection tonight and feel better.

sh*t.

You can dip the chip.

Bang the box.

Sweep our your chimney.

Ah, you can stretch that leather.

Bump the uglies! Dip and dive.

Shake the sheets.

Oh, cr*ck the nut! Get some skank on the hang-low.

Ohh aw! Ride the baloney pony.

Alright.

Give that dog a bone! There ya go! - Right! - Yeah! Shuck the oyster, baby! Okay, um, um, put some beef in yo' taco! Ride that beef bus to Tuna Town.

Ohhhhhh.

That was so sexy.

I'm glad you said that.

I got one.

"The lips between the hips".

"Furry monkey.

" "Smurf crease.

" "Bearded oyster".

"Bikini biscuit".

"Cooter"? And, uh, "cherry pie".

"Cat flaps".

"Cha-cha".

"Hairy goblet".

Mmm.

"The Grand Canyon".

Oh, here's another one.

"Fish taco".

Oh, I got a good one.

"Cream collector".

"Goodie bag"? Wait, how 'bout this one: "box of assorted creams".

Uh, "honey pot".

"Dugout".

"Love mitten"? "Mermaid's purse".

"Skeeky," "skeezy".

Oh, I got one, I got one, uh - "the pink velvet sausage wallet".

That's attractive.

"Nonny"? "Ham wallet"? "Coochie"! "Sweet spot".

"Power slot"? "Fu-fu valve".

I know, "fu-fu valve", who would say "fu-fu valve"? "Pork shutters".

"Bermuda triangle".

"Grab hole".

"Squeegee"? "Vertical smile".

"The vessel tube"? "Monkey's chin".

"Chewbacca".

What about "panty hamster"? "Roast beef sandwich".

Uh, "camel toe" - oh, that's so generic.