04x04 - Layup

[bunniefuu]

The L Word - x - Layup

Previously on The L Word Do you need a ride? Yeah.

I'm not gonna go let Shay live in some homeless shelter the way I did when I was a kid.

I'm begging you.

Please just let him go to school here.

I'm your just been offered a hundred thousand dollar record deal with Thrill City Records boyfriend!

I hate to say it man, but the NR guy called back.

See, you won't be actually in the band.

I know you were at Cherie Jaffe's party last week.

I'll take some sh*ts and I'll send them to Hugo Boss himself.

I'm not a model.

It's too bad you can't prove your critic was wrong about her girlfriend's unimpeachable integrity.

- I wander if you can do me a favor.

- Yeah?

I'm trying to find a friend of mine, Lindsay, who I went to Summer Camp with.

I can do a computer search, see what I can come up with.

Phyllis!

Hi, it's good to see you.

I wanted to thank you for last night.

I had a lovely time.

I especially loved Alice.

She's so vibrant.

Yeah, okay.

Up, Higher, yeah.

Left, no, the other left.

Okay, yeah, good, good, so f*cking left.

Okay, alright, now, come make circles or something.

Circles are good, circles...

Oh yeah!

Okay, bigger circles.

Bigger.

Okay, not that big.

No, no, no, no.

No, alright.

You know what?

Just think about...

Think about like what you like.

Oh, wow, okay, nice surprise.

A+, okay, good.

Alright, now, both, yeah.

Keep...

Keep both, it's good, keep them, keep going, keep going, keep them both.

Yeah, yeah, keep it inside.

Okay, now, now what I want you to do is just...

What?

Teeth?

f*ck!

Okay, great, you're doing so good.

Oh Jesus, f*cking a christ.

Okay, yeah.

Oh good.

Okay, and then, just like, yeah, that's good in it.

You just keep all that, oh yeah.

Oh f*ck, oh yeah f*ck!

Yeah, this is good, okay!

Oh yeah, f*ck!

f*ck, f*ck!

Wow...

Wow...

That was good.

So, did you orgasm?

You did, right?

Phyllis, for future reference, when a girl you're f*ckin' scream really loud, then...

like that, it's a pretty good indication you made her come.

I can't believe how wonderful this is.

It is the most amazing feeling to make a woman come.

You've made yourself come, right?

Of course, but that was my necessity.

This is pleasure.

Pure unalterated pleasure.

It's what I've been dreaming and fantasizing about, wishing for forever.

Welcome to the wonderful world of Disney.

God, you are good at this.

I might.

But you're a really good student.

Alice, I want to be the professor!

See you, Shane.

I'm going.

Do you have everything?

Oh...

I forgot to give you this.

What is it?

That's a school night.

Well, look, I'm gonna try to get to this thing.

I just, uh...

I don't know if I can do that, Shay.

What are we gonna tell the kids?

We'll just tell them we had to take Smorkie to the farm.

That's what my parents told me.

Debbie?

Oh, me?

- Is that right?

- Yes, Debbie is my name.

I'm not so good at remembering people names.

Is this Sounder?

- Isn't she precious?

- Yes, he is.

Hi, - hi!

- Like I was saying, Debbie, Sounder is a super old dog.

She's almost , she's got cataracts, and under her coat you'll feel some tumors, but that just what happens as they get older.

She has some incontinence, but that's to be expective.

I'm sure you've had to deal with that with all the older dogs you've taken.

Oh, yeah, I've dealt with

- incontinence a lot.

- Oh, don't be upset, Debbie.

She's...

she's not in pain.

Oh I think it's so lovely what you do for old dogs.

Taking them into care foster in their final days.

You know, all sentient beings deserve to die surrounded by love.

" Namaste".

"Namaste".

I think she likes me.

I think she's not feeling very well.

She usually does that a few times before she...

Oh my godness...

I'll take her.

- "Shouting Out Love" by The Emotions -

If I wanna hit in with a girl, then I do.

It's really that simple.

I've only been turned down once in my life.

Who turned you down?

Selma Johnson...

My mother, God bless her.

- What?!

- Her best friend.

Oh you got turned down by your mother's best friend.

Well, I mean, no wonder, hello.

Well, she turned me down when I was , but we hit in when I was .

Thanks.

And she was worth the way.

She was one f*cking hot... lady, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I so do know what you're saying.

Why don't you just tell me who you've been hit in with lately, huh?

Besides the love one you had in the back of a limo.

Oh no one.

I mean, no one you know.

I'm sure.

Maybe.

Was she good?

Yeah.

Good, yeah.

Different.

Different.

Good.

She was good, she was great.

What am I saying?

She was great.

Just, you know, she's not my normal type.

Not that I have a type, but uh...

Yeah, I don't know, I think it's not about sticking with what you know, right now, for me.

You know, different is good.

Yeah, different sounds married, Alice.

Just keep that on the DL, okay?

You don't wanna be dodgin' b*ll*ts, you know?

No, it's not like that, Papi.

I mean, I know when to keep it in my pants.

It's okay.

sh*t, I don't...

Yeah, I just think for me right now, it's about new portals.

- I don't know what that means.

- New portals, new frontiers, new openings, like places to meet girls.

Which I would love to tell the girls on OurChart, where to meet girls, 'cause, you know, you say you know.

So...

Okay.

Well, there are lots of places, but,

- I'll tell you the best one.

- Oh!

Every Sunday, there's a lesbian pick-up baskestball game in West Hollywood Park.

I don't leave there without at last one girl and, like, a couple of digits.

Yeah, it's hot, too.

It's, like, all kinds of girls, like, all sweaty and sh*t.

- That sounds great!

I mean, it sounds hot.

- Yeah.

It smells hot.

You should come too, like this sunday, my whole crew is going.

I can even get you on a team.

But it's more like... if your bring your own.

- Oh, so you make a little team?

- Yeah.

Oh my friends and I, we can make a little team.

We could.

Whatcha gonna call your little team, huh?

The "bourgie-ass girls"?

- No, more like the kick-your-ass girls.

- Oh, right, right.

Well, just make sure you bring Vanilla Spice.

- You mean Shane?

- Yes, Shame.

La pendejita.

We're gonna hurt you so bad, look, you are already trippen.

Oh yeah.

Ooh, we're so scared to play basketball with Papi.

Yeah, well, you should be, 'cause, we're gonna wip your asses all the way back to Rodeo Drive so you could go shopping which is by the way the only sport you can play.

Oh, we'll be there, Papi, okay?

And you can save the sh*t for the field, all right?

It's called the court.

Whatever.

It's on.

It's so f*ckin' on.

- "Music To Watch Girls By" by Andy Williams -

- Good morning, Chancellor.

- Oh, Bette, good morning.

Lovely day, isn't it?

No, astounding day.

Absolutely life-altering.

Oh yeah, it is.

It's a nice morning.

Did you...

did you do something different?

Did you change your hair or...

You might say that.

Well, listen.

I'm about to go meet Skip Connolly and I was just gonna drop by your office to see if you had any

- words of advice for his tour.

- Just three.

Kiss his ass.

He's one of our wealthy donors, and he hasn't given us a dime since that performance art,

- fiasco last year.

- Yeah, I heard he's very conservative.

Conservative is a little left of where he is.

He and George W.

grew up playing GI Joes together.

Use strategic.

Show him what he wants to see.

Wait, you're not asking me to...

censure, suppress any student artwork, are you?

I'm telling to choose your battles wisely, Bette.

Where are you taking him?

Well, I was going to take him to the Foundation Building and then I was gonna take him to Jodi Lerner's graduate scuplture studio.

Good.

Jodi will impress him.

- Skip is really into big names.

- I'm so excited to meet her too.

Our orientation drove me so crazy that this is actually the first time I've had to introduce myself.

Today at lunch we should go over the donors list.

Okay.

And I have something fun to tell you.

Oh.

I'm looking forward to it.

I gotta say, you really, you really are radiating something.

Really.

Anyway, I'd better go prepare for my meeting with Skip.

I just hope I don't end up on OurChart.

Phyllis, you can't end up on the chart unless...

f*ck me!

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to get over this.

I just, I feel the toasty side, I feel like I missed the party, I feel old for the first time which is really...

Baby, if you feel old, then I am just back from the dead.

Babe, you're only years old with a year old... I'm sure there's a whole lot of Rock and Roll left in you.

You know how much I love you.

Why don't you go back home and play your... Come on, baby.

It seems that that'd be the thing bringing your modjo back.

It just...

Yeah?

I'm sorry, I just...

I don't really feel like playing guitar, right now.

Well, you'd better, because, I am going to record the song that you wrote for me for the cd.

What, "Bareback"?

I tought you said that was too nasty.

I like it because it's really, really, really nasty.

That's why we're gonna sing it together.

What, you're...

You're gonna do a duet with me on

- your new record.

- Yes.

Yes.

So, why don't you go home rehearse, get it going, get it started.

You know, you've got a lot to do.

Yes,... going.

- Okay.

Alright

- Yeah...

Alright?

She challenged us.

Yes, and she's calling you like "Vanilla Spice".

And she said all we can do is shop.

Back to school night?

What's that?

Yes, I'm pying.

No, Shane, we've got to kick their asses.

It's the point.

Wait, West Hollywood is our territory, we can't just let them have it without putting up a fight.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, and, and, and, she said like of the hottest girls show up every sunday.

Yeah.

I know.

Okay.

Oh great!

I know you would be on the team.

Okay.

We have to think of a game plan, so...

Alright, we'll talk later.

Okay, bye.

Oh!

Oh God!

- I'm so sorry, Jodi.

- You scared the hell out of me!

I didn't mean to startle you.

I'm very, very sorry.

I was just trying to introduce myself.

She doesn't like people sneaking up when she works. It breaks her concentration and it freaks her out.

I wasn't thinking.

I'm very sorry.

I was just trying to...

I was just trying to introduce myself.

I'm Bette Porter.

- Yeah, I'm Tom Mater, I'm Jodi's interpretor.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

Oh, I'm such a huge admirer of Jodi's work.

If you want to say something, talk to me, not Tom.

Yes, just face her.

She wants to be able to read your lips

- and look into your eyes.

- Oh, okay.

- I'm Bette Porter.

- I know.

I saw your Instilation at the Hammer years ago and it was just...

It was just stunning and I'm so thrilled to have you here working with us.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry that at first but the business has to be so petty and annoying but there's something that I need your help with.

I hope you'll be okay with that.

- Okay.

- Okay, I was at the studio, at your studio, and I was looking at some of the student work and it's really pretty.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I was at your studio and I was looking at the student work.

It's so impressive.

I mean, they've clearly already been so affected by you.

I'm just trying to open them up.

You know, they think they're aready formed as artists.

When they should be exploring their own inner voices.

There's a radical sculpture in the studio, which is crude and brilliant and enormous.

Oh you mean Loni Shitman's piece.

She is so gifted.

A little intense.

A little intense?

She's the parasitic twin of Valerie Solanas.

Anyway, my first day here she brought it in, saying how weird it was, how bad her work is, you know.

All that young tortured artist crap.

But, after days working on it, here in the studio, she finally put her hair back from her eyes, and she said, "I'm starting to realize it".

Well, it is powerful and, and confrontational.

But today I'm bringing Skip Connelli, one of our biggest donor to tour the studio and...

- Oh, I know him.

- You do?

I've seen him wealthy.

- Impressionist art collector.

- Right, right.

Sleeps with the ennemy.

- He's not gonna like that piece.

- No.

No.

You know what I have to ask you.

You want me to...

put Loni's piece in a corner until after the donor has doned, right?

But just for the afternoon.

Just for the afternoon.

Thank you so much for understanding.

I really, really appreciate it.

I'm gonna go meet him now and I'm gonna bring him by a little bit later.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Shut up!

- "Je Ne Te Connais Pas" by Prototypes -

Oh my god!

I am so allergic to you.

Hi.

I'd love to make an appointment with...

Dr Scott, please.

That would be awesome.

An emergency vet appointment, please.

Yeah, could she see me right now?

Okay, that would be great.

Okay, great, thank you.

My name?

My name is Debbie Oxnard.

I will be there very very soon.

You don't like your food, do you?

I like it alright.

I went on this... I was really into it.

But after about two months I found myself sort of falling up the stairs to my dorm.

I guess I need my meat.

Brooke, I really like you a lot.

I really like you too, Max.

I mean, no guy has ever wanted to wait to get to know me better before having sex.

I have something I have to tell you about myself.

And I want to explain it to you, because I feel like you're really special, you know?

And I don't want there to be any secrets between us.

Don't tell me; let me guess.

You are an escaped convict on the lam from the law.

I really trust you, you know?

I just...

it's all new to me, this whole thing.

And I, I just want you to know that.

What do you have to tell me?

I've always felt like a man.

Inside.

For my whole life.

And, I mean, now that I know what that feeling is, I'm physically becoming one.

I'm not really sure I understand what you're trying to tell me.

I'm going through a transition.

I've been taking testosterone for the past year and I'm under the care of this doctor.

And I've been living as a man, and soon I'm physically gonna be one as well.

I was born a girl.

And I still kinda have like a woman's body.

I mean, even though I am a man.

- My God.

- Wait, Brooke.

- Look, I know this is a lot...

- You're a freak.

I don't date freaks.

How dare you?

Liar.

What do you think I am?

Come on, Bette...

I'll tell you.

If someone wanted me to lead the University just because of my color, my economic status, I'd be insulted.

That mission should be based on merit, not "need".

Well, I think there are a lot of other issues at stake with proposition .

Skip Connelli, let me introduce you to our...

artist-residence, Jodi Lerner.

- This is her assistant, Tom Mater.

- I'm her interpretor.

- Interpretor.

- A pleasure to meet you, Miss Lerner.

I'm very curious to see what you've been up to with my old armada.

Oh please, feel free to look around.

There's some of the student work.

- I'll hope you find it...

stimulating.

- Thank you.

I thought we had an understanding.

My understanding was that you wanted me to capitulate to some assh*le's reptilian politics to get money out of him, and that I will never do.

No, actually, what I asked you to do was to put the students and the university ahead of your own ego so we could get the reptile's money in order to make art, not bombs.

And you agreed.

This is called "The Unauthorized Abortion of W.".

Some of the most powerful student work I've seen.

It's an abomination.

- And an abuse of university funds.

- Look, Skip, don't you think, really, that the primary mission of the university is to provide a safe haven to explore ideas and

- expand boundaries?

- Not on my dollar.

Skip, this is one artist among hundreds here, who's just trying out her voice.

I mean, really, isn't that what graduate school's about, supporting...

Well, I sure as hell won't be supporting it.

Thank you very much.

Good day.

Just leave him alone.

Then call him and give him the speech about how the Impressionists met with the same response when they debuted their work in Paris in .

Now, on top of everything, you're gonna tell me how to do my job?

She's eaten a quarter pound of coffee.

I think she's going through kinda shock.

- I get the doctor right away.

- What the hell were you thinking?

Exuse me, Rich.

I turned around for a minute.

One minute, and she's already half way through the bag.

Oh my god.

Molly!

You're gonna be okay, Molly.

We love you.

Sounder Oxnard?

Me.

- Oh hi.

- Hi.

You can come on in.

How long have you had her, Debbie?

About eleven years, since she was a puppy.

My longuest relationship.

I don't know how many times I've heard that.

Girl best friends, huh?

I've been through girlfriends with her and, you know, they leave but then they always wanna come back to visit Sounder.

Debbie, you know that Sounder is pretty old.

And she feels to me like she's really slowing down.

What I'm trying to say is that Sounder is not really sick.

She's just...

I know what's gonna happen.

Your eyes are swollen.

Would you want a washup?

Can I give you anything at all?

Thanks.

- Debbie, I don't know what to say.

- It must be hard, this job.

- ...

- Oh god no! No!

Not really.

I just can't imagine doing anything else, you know?

Most kids play doctor when they're grewing up.

I played vet.

I had this cat, Tweety.

She had like fake operations by the time I was .

These guys are my family, you know?

Are they your whole family?

Almost.

This is my whole family.

This is Sparky, it's my perfect little buddy, and that's Stacey, my girlfriend.

- She's a journalist.

- Oh right.

You've a beautiful family.

Thanks.

So it's like, it's like uh, you're drying your nails.

- Drying your nails.

- You're drying your nails.

You got that?

Okay, block me.

Come here and block me.

I'm gonna try to sh**t.

Figure that's like...

you know what I mean.

I'm coming I'm gonna be like this then you have to, you know, I mean, like this!

I'm coming in.

But you're there, and you're there and...

Come on!

Oh, check it out.

- Oh yeah, great, Alice.

- This is good.

- You know what?

- Yeah?

I think we need to take a break.

Helena, we've got the game on sunday.

We have to train.

And I still have to teach you how to slap the asses.

Alice, I have job interviews today, alright?

I'm knackered and I've just ripped your favorite teeshirt.

- I could really do the glass of wine.

- Okay.

Uh, Helena, you might wanna take a look at this because you just got it in!

Over the shoulder.

- I did?

- Over your head!

Without even looking!

I think you might be our secret w*apon.

Wow, Phyllis, hi.

What are you doing here?

I just dropped by to give you this.

Oh...

Oh, yeah!

Okay...

- Julie London?

I don't know her.

- I thought we could listen to it next time.

- Sure.

- Oh, I wish I could stay here but I've got to run.

I'm desperate to find a caterer for our next week fundraiser.

My regular cancelled.

Weird.

Weird and coincidental that Helena is here

- because Helena is a caterer.

- I am?

Yes, she is.

- I am.

Really.

- You are?

Yes, she's studied at

- Cordon Blue.

- Cordon Blue!

- Oh great, do you have a card?

- Uh, no, because...

You're getting this new business card made-up.

- Made-up.

Yeah.

- Right.

Yeah.

She is great though.

You should use her.

Are you free friday, Helena?

- Yeah.

- I'll call you.

I've got to run, I'm late for a meeting with my planning group.

Okay.

Okay, bye.

Alice!

- A...

- Yeah.

What did we just get me into?

And B, you're not telling me that that sophisticated, genteel, intelligent,

- lovely...

- Lovely!

mature woman is the same animal responsible for those hideously loud noises emanating from your bedroom the other night?!

Yeah.

That would be the lady!

How long have you been in the States?

I've been Mickey's nanny for almost years now.

He's become like my little brother.

He loves Angelica.

Yeah, I know what you mean, except Angelica feels more like my daughter.

You don't look old enough to be anybody's father.

You're way too hot to be a "papa".

Oh, yeah, well, it's...

nothing.

It keeps you young. Tina told me you played guitar in a band.

Let's feel your callosities.

I'm just starting to get some.

Well, how long have you been playing?

One month.

I know chords.

I'd love to get lessons from you.

Yeah, well uh...

I mean, you've got these chords, so, it's just getting the...

down. And then you're good to go on like, you know, a million songs.

I'm proud of myself for being good to go for a lot of things.

You know, I...

I haven't taught in quite a while, so uh...

I'm probably pretty rusty.

I'm not.

I am going to go get Angelica, for you.

- "Love You Better" by God-Des & She -

Are those nines?

- Yeah, these are nine, m'am.

- No, no, no.

You know what?

It feels very tight.

I'm gonna grap you a ten.

I don't wait a double..., okay, honey? Let me...

Helena?

- Can you help me get this on?

- Sure.

- Push.

- Are you sure?

- Come on!

- Oh Kit!

Okay.

Ah!

See!

It's okay, it's right.

I feel like I could... Papi's going down!

What's up with you?

Nothing, I'm just...

I don't know.

I just keep thinking about this Back to School sh*t I have to go tonight.

Well, first,...

something about the sneakes. Second of all, quit worrying.

And just...

with the teacher! ...my sneakers for it. You should tell her you're gonna be a man's underwear model.

- Oh, I'm so sure.

- She'll think it's very very sexy.

You're not gonna do it, Shane?

It's tons of money!

I know, it's tons of money and I'm not doing it.

- Why are you such in a bad mood?

- Kit, I really think maybe you should get a bigger size.

They look tiny.

No, no, they perfectly fit!

They really do.

- Hey, Jenny?

- Yeah?

I love you but you're smelling like an old dog today.

What is it?

Well, it's because I've been working out.

You know, getting ready for the big game.

Yeah, yeah.

When did trainers become that expensive?

- Really?

- We're gonna go see over there.

Let's see, ?

You got the sh*t done and now you need the shoes.

Well, just explain to me the name.

- Was it the "bourgie-ass"?

- Bourgie, baby.

Come on, the bourgeoisie.

You know, the upper class, the upper crust.

I'm just taking Papi's put down...

to unpower us. M'am, your toes are in the front of those shoes.

I'll take them.

Liza Lou's environmental sculpture "Kitchen" took her years to complete this work.

She's made up a millions and millions of tiny color glass bees. Can you describe the artist's experience?

You know, the thing that we talked about, the other night?

Yes, of course, Nadia.

Liza Lou describes the act of making this huge labour intensive work as being like prayer, a mystical experience comparable in some ways to religious martyr.

Yeah but didn't most the critics acquaint her with the feminist artists in the 's?

Yes, some of her earlier works, yes, like "Kitchen", that's true.

And as "Kitchen" is usually acquainted with women's work...

But here, we're talking about the devotional, rather than the mondaying.

or the ways in which the mondaying is elevated to the round of mystical experience.

In fact, Jeanette Winterson who has written extensively about the transforming power of Liza Lou's work has said, "What art does is cox us away from the mechanical toward the miraculous" Again, "What art does is cox us away from the mechanical toward the miraculous" What was that word again?

Luminous means divine, majestic, that which is holly other. Moving on to Sarah Vandru...

Oh, I just, I wanted to tell you that the time was up.

We'll talk about Sarah Vandru next week.

In the meantime I want you to study Katharina Fritsch's "Mouse" that reviewed earlier and compare it with Duchamp "Bicycle Wheel".

And start thinking about the artist use of everyday objects.

Nadia, I'd like a word with you.

I think I'd like more than that with you.

Nadia.

Just listen to me.

You're a beautiful girl.

And I had a wonderful time with you.

But what happened can never happen again.

I think you're being overly sensitive to me.

No.

I'm being very serious.

We made a mistake.

- Do you understand me?

- I understand that you want me as much as I want you.

It's over.

And that's final.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'll be more careful around campus.

If you continue to ignore what I'm saying to you, then I'm going to take disciplinary action.

And I will take the consequences.

Believe me.

Do you understand me now?

I'm sorry, Dean Porter.

I understand that you're serious.

Bubbleology is the head on program.

The children will learn about gas, evaporation, gravity, physics, surface tension, prisms, many many other things, all through the study of bubbles.

So if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.

And help yourself through refreshments.

I didn't know this was Back to Shool of rock Night.

Maybe Patti Smith's just here for the free food.

Ignore them.

Sometimes being a parent causes dementia.

Which side effect is pettiness.

Right.

I'm Paige Sobel.

- Hey.

- I'm Jared's mom.

Hi, I'm Shane, and I'm here for my little brother, Shay.

Oh, it's really great that you came.

I'm sure it means a lot to Shay.

I don't really know.

He doesn't talk to me much.

He sounds like a typical boy.

Jared never asks me for anything.

Except, more toy g*ns and skateboard stuff.

Oh, well, you should take him to my shop, we do costume boards.

- You have a skateboard shop?

- I do, yeah.

We have equipment, boards, ...in the back. The whole thing.

We should do a playday with the boys there.

Yeah.

Sure.

Hello, Paige.

Good to see you.

Welcome.

Bye.

- I'm Sandy Rabson.

- Hey.

Shane McCutcheon.

I'm Shay's sister.

I could have guessed.

You look alike.

Shay's a bright boy.

He seems to be adjusting fairly well,

- considering.

- Good, good.

He has a little trouble with his concentration and his participation isn't quite what I'd like to be, but I think it might be helpful if you would think about getting him involved in some activities.

Alright.

Look, m'am, I don't, I don't know how help I can be in this department.

I mean, I'm just, I'm literally just filling in.

And you know, I know he misses his family a lot.

Let me show you something, Shane.

It's over here.

Sure.

Oh, I cannot believe you f*cked my boss.

Do you understand the consequences of this?

- Really intense, great orgasms?

- I'm serious, Alice.

She's never been with a woman before.

She coulda fooled me.

Bette, just chill.

I mean, everybody has their first time, okay?

And I have to say, I'm a very good first.

She's not just some girl on your chart.

Right?

Phyllis is the executive vice chancellor of a major university, married with children, considerably older than you.

Right, exactly, which is why I thought that she would, you know, she knows what she's doing.

Come on, it's all about me broadening my horizons right now, Okay?

And I...

I liked trying an older vintage.

Well, I just hope it doesn't blow up in your face.

Or mine, more to the point.

- Okay, but when she ate me out, it was...

- Nonono lalalalalaaaaa!

- No!

- Yeah, okay, I'm not gonna let this outta hands, I promise.

Thank you.

Can we talk about basketball now?

I haven't played basketball since junior year high school.

You played in high school?

Okay, well listen, we need you

- because our honor is at stake.

- I don't have time, Alice.

I'm just, I'm not into that competitive teams sport thing.

It's just gonna be a couple of hours on sunday and it will give you a good chance to hang out with your friends.

I have a report due, I have a speech that I have to write for the donors' reception,

- I have five budgets...

- I'm gonna call Phyllis and I'm gonna tell her to order you to play.

She'll do anything I want right now.

Anything.

Oh it's so clever.

I can't believe myself.

Yeah.

Alright.

Come on girl.

Check it out.

- "Fire to Me" by Hyper vs. the Crystal Method -

You've got a pretty team here, Alice.

Yeah.

We're just here to play, Papi.

Alright.

Yeah, I gotta get off the phone.

Okay, bye.

I'm gonna cover you.

Okay.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, lonely.

Hey, what're you doing here, Tina?

- I, uh, decided to play.

- Where's Angelica?

She's with Angus and Hazel.

She's fine.

- But it's a lesbian game, Tina.

- Hey, what about me?

You're an honorary lesbian, Kit.

Come on.

That's fine, Jenny.

I still identify as a lesbian.

Yeah, but when you walk down the street with your boyfriend, holding your boyfriend's hand, enjoying all the heterosexual privileges, you stop being a lesbian.

Depends on what color heterosexual you are that gets you all them privileges.

Tina, I don't think there's a g*dd*mn difference.

No, I mean, if Tina wants to identify as a lesbian, isn't that her choice?

Why don't you just be a bisexual?

Actually, I think of lesbian as a political identity,

- to tell you the truth.

- No, it's not.

It's not about who you vote for.

It's about who you f*ck.

We don't care who you're f*cking.

Come on!

Play with us, let's do this.

- Let's go.

- Yeah!

Come on you guys!

Alright.

So, you're my competition, Vanilla?

Whatever you say, Pops.

Show me what you got.

Okay.

Come on!

- What you do in Rodeo Drive?

- Shopping, bitch.

Nice, nice, nice.

- What?

- I'm talking to you!

Put your f*cking coffee down.

Put it down.

What?

I don't think so, but I told you not to pass it to me.

- Stop f*cking following me.

- Stop f*cking travelling with the ball.

- Alright Bette!

- Come on, Bette!

- Alright!

- Yeah!!!

Nice job, Rodeo.

You're not as standard as you look.

But I will still kick your... ass. Yeah, okay, "dad".

Let's play.

Oh you suck!

Okay, come on girls!

Come on, set it up, set it up.

Kit!

Alice!

Alice!

What are you doing, girl?

I'm just trying to get to know my competition.

- Come on, move your ass!

- I can't, I can't run my shoes, Jenny!

Don't touch me,

- move!

Go!

- sh**t Jenny!

God, dammit!

Dammit!

We're losing!

- Bette!

- What?!

- You're scaring me.

- I'm all in.

We're just playing basket.

You're the one who started this bullshit.

- You fault me!

- f*cking fault, Marissa.

front lines for my british... Oh it looks like our secret w*apon just arrived.

Come on, Helena.

Good w*apon for us.

Do that thing.

Are you serious?

In your face, Papi.

... You've gotta go.

...my foot. f*ck!

Good team, guys, good team.

Come on Shane!

Go, Shane!

Go on!

Over here!

Nice.

Don't be mad, Brown Barbie.

Who the f*ck you're callin' Brown Barbie, you f*ckin' Carmelita Tropicana?

- I'm just playing.

- Hey Shane!

- Shane, Shay fell off his board.

- What?

- Time out everyone.

- Hey, Bette.

- No, no, it's okay.

I got it, I got it.

- What happened?

He fell on his arm.

It looks really bad, you guys.

What's going on?

It looks like we might have to postpone the game, Papi.

We will get your ass next time.

- Oh really?

- Yeah.

Right.

Okay.

Oh my god!

They're k*lling me!

I don't think I'll be able to walk tomorrow.

Can somebody tell me when basketball became this new lesbian sport?

It always has been.

WNBA they just, they run from it. It's just part of this they don't make any money. It'll be associate with their... audience. That's sad.

I thought softball was like the big dykey sport.

Thank you.

- And what about rugby?

- I don't know.

Yeah, and there's golf, there's this Rosie Jones woman.

- Plus, in tennis.

- Yeah, there's Martina and...

- Here's to the bourgie asses.

- Yes.

Good game, I mean, we tried, right?

- We did alright.

- And to Shay.

- Shay took one for the team.

- Yeah, to Shay.

Next time we play, I want to get everybody together and have, you know, practice.

So we can...

- Yeah.

- Yes, Alice needs practice.

- Me?

- What?

Oh my god!

Since you don't have any insurance, we'll be billing you directly for the charges.

Okay.

That's fine.

Just, uh, tell me how much it is.

...fracture, they reset the bone. That procedure runs around .

dollars.

The hospital's bill is more or less .

and there's .

fees for the anaethesist, and the X-rays and the doctor fees.

He's gonna need followed exams, cast removal.

That will probably run you another grand.

f*ck!

f*ck!

How am I gonna come up with that money?

Thank you.

- "Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches -

I told you she was perfect.