01x01 - It's a Fae, Fae, Fae, Fae World

[bunniefuu]

(Man) That's me... Highest sales in the division.

And in the morning I'm flying back to Omaha.

That's great.

Coming through behind you. Everything good out here?

Yeah. No, I'm fine. I'm just starving. It's $10.50.

Oh, right. Here you go.

Oh, and, darlin', you keep the change.

And... this one's for you.

(Laughs)

Well, thank you...

But I can't. It's policy.

(Sighs)

(Indistinct conversations)

Excuse me, darlin'.

Hello, beautiful.

Pretty drink for a pretty lady?

Sure. Cheers.

Cheers.

(Glasses clink)

Oh, now you are thirsty, aren't ya?

Whoo! Well, aren't you just the sweetest thing?

Thanks, buddy. Gotta jet.

Is that so?

(Sniffles)

(Clicks button)

Aw, come on. Can't get rid of me that easily.

Any inside tips?

Hey, where ya headin' to?

Any good parties?

'Cause I got a few hours that I would love...

(Clicks button) to k*ll.

Yeah, good luck with that.

(Clears throat)

(Sighs)

(Elevator bell dings)

(Clicks button)

You sure are a pretty little thing, aren't ya?

(Sighs)

Gross. Back off, or I'll vom.

(Chuckles)

Ohh.

Whoa. Why am I trippin'?

(Inhales and exhales deeply)

What was in that drink?

Oh, just somethin' to make ya a little bit friendlier.

We are friends, aren't we?

Ohh.

Come on, baby. Just a little kiss.

Ohh, back off, creepo.

(Chuckles)

(Elevator bell dings)

(Sighs)

(Clicks button)

You good?

A-okay.

You are very naughty.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

Hmm? Left without saying good-bye.

Oh.

Don't you know when a girl's playing hard to get?

(Both chuckle)

What do you want?

Just one little kiss.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

(Man)

Mmm.

Mm.

Mm.

(Grunting and groaning)

(Whooshing)

(Inhaling deeply)

This is so gonna be viral.

(Elevator bell dings)

(Breathing heavily)

Hey.

What about me?

Okay.

Let's get you out of here.

You're pretty.

(Giggles)

I saw you eat some dude's face.

It was amazing.

(Laughs)

Oh, that's just terrific. Let's go. Come on.

(Grunts)

I'll take you somewhere safe.

Bye-bye, Mr. Smiley-face.

(Siren whoops)

Hey!

You finally decided to show.

(Laughs)

So what do we got here?

Uh, male, mid-30s.

No I.D., just a room key for the hotel.

Woman found him over an hour ago.

I'd say, uh, that's it for witnesses.

Any cameras in here?

Busted. Checking on the garages.

Mm.

(Indistinct conversations)

(Police radio chatter)

Jesus. What the hell happened to him?

Look, uh, you wanna give us a little space here, Frank?

Yeah, Frank. Why don't you go canvas or something?

You got it.

Thanks, man.

The vic's human.

Yeah. The k*ller definitely wasn't.

Well, our side?

I hope not.

This is sloppy, leaving a feed behind like this.

I don't recognize this kind of k*ll.

You?

No, but it's a good way to die.

I mean, the dude d*ed with a smile on his face.

Hair.

Brunette.

Huh.

Got it.

(Sniffs)

What you got?

He's been drinking, and I smell a human on him...

Female.

Well, at this time of night, that combo...

My money's on the hotel bar.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know. Sounds like a guy that was here, But it's been a crazy, busy night.

I can't remember 'em all, you know.

(Sighs)

Liked the ladies, though.

How is that?

Oh, kept hitting on our bartender all night.

Leaves sniffing after some little blonde.

This bartender... is she a brunette by any chance?

Yeah. Name's Bo. She just started, like, a week ago.

You know, she's smokin' hot.

Huh. So you got a last name, address?

No, no. She's daily... or was.

You know, she leaves on a bathroom break, Don't ever come back.

She's totally fired now.

Rush the security tape from the garage.

Our eyes only. I want to get a look at this Bo.

Gotcha.

(Sighs)

(Grunts)

Nice place while it lasted.

(Matches rattle, thud)

(Clatters)

(Inhales deeply)

sh*t.

(Panting)

Sorry. I was just leaving.

Where am I? Who are you?

Okay, just calm down. You're okay.

You passed out last night. Would've dropped you home, but none of these wallets appear to be yours.

That's a nice little sideline you got going.

I'm a collector of rare wallets.

I'm not judging. I'm glad you're okay.

I... I don't... I don't feel okay.

What happened last night?

Did... did somebody slip me something?

Yeah, some creep from the bar spiked your drink, And you hallucinated a lot of weird stuff, I bet.

So you didn't...

(Clears throat)

So you didn't eat some dude's face in an elevator?

No. There was no eating of faces.

(Laughs)

Wow, that's crazy.

Thank God!

That was some creepy ass sh*t.

(Beep)

(Man) Mmm. Mmm.

(Sighs)

Kids and your camera phones.

(Gasps)

Ohh. Ohh.

Don't freak out.

I'm freaking out.

What did I just say?

How can I not freak out? Have you seen you?

Yes.

Did you k*ll him?

Just slow down.

Oh, my God. Are you gonna k*ll me? Oh, my God.

You know, that is just stupid. Why... why would I save you...

(Hyperventilating)

Are you okay?

I don't know. Can you just get asthma?

I think I'm totally getting asthma here.

Just breathe.

(Gasping)

Fine. I don't need this.

I have to blow town now after saving your ass And find somewhere else to live... again.

You're welcome, by the way.

Excuse me, lady... Person.

It's Bo.

Hi. Kenzi.

Look, I'm sorry.

You... you're obviously very nice for...

Whatever you are, um, but I just had, like, The scariest, weirdest night of my life, okay, So can just please talk about this like normal people?

It's fairly clear that I'm not exactly normal.

Good.

Good, because normal people do not help out strangers.

If you were normal, I could be dead.

I won't tell anyone. Please. I totally promise, okay?

Just... just give me, like, twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes, and you will never, ever, ever have to ever see me ever again.

Please.

That depends.

Do you like milk shakes?

Gotcha.

(Lowered voice)

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Hey, hey, hey. Got it.

(Clicks keyboard keys)

(Telephone rings in distance)

That the bartender?

Heading to her car, with the blonde still alive and kicking.

Now look, that's the part I don't get. Why take the kid?

What did she want, a snack for the road, what?

I think she was protecting her.

Hotel put a name to our John Doe, So I pulled his jacket. He's got a few assaults.

He likes slipping things into girls' drinks.

I'm thinking he targeted the blonde, and the bartender stopped him.

Can you make that plate?

(Scoffs)

Please.

(Chuckles)

Good. Put out an A.P.B.

Maintain surveillance but do not approach.

I want us to be first on the scene.

You got it.

(Indistinct conversations)

(Beeps)

(Slurps)

Are you just gonna stare at me?

Mnh. Sorry.

(Sighs)

By the way, um, I know things could've gotten really messed up for me last night if you hadn't shown up, so... Thanks.

Oh, well, um...

You're welcome.

Okay, uh... Screw it. I gotta know.

(Sniffles)

Some things are too stupid to say out loud, so...

Here.

(Laughs)

You are a tool, and I don't know what the hell I am.

Honestly. Just a freak, I guess.

Does it matter?

Kinda.

I mean, what exactly did you do to him?

It's hard to explain, okay?

I just... I sort of, um...

I sort of drain people.

Oh, my God. Are you a...

Dude, are you a frickin' vampire?

No. No. No. It's not like that, okay?

It has nothing to do with blood.

It's...

It's just...

It's this... hunger that builds and builds, and then eventually I... do what I did last night.

So you can't control it?

No.

Wow. That's shitty.

No, I'm serious. That's, like, no way to live.

You should, uh, you should really work on that.

Thanks.

So, look, are we done with this show-and-tell?

'Cause I gotta get going.

Can I get you anything else?

No, we're good.

(Paper tears)

I'm... I'm a little short right now.

If there's, uh, any way I could come back some other time and make it up to you...

God... Yes.

(Sighs)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold up, woman!

What... what the hell was that?

No, I'm serious! What was that?

Oh, my God.

Mmm.

How's the tea?

Ahh. Always the best. Always the best.

Ahh.

You know, when I walked in here, that waitress...

She was seriously clockin' you, man, and she looks just like your type.

I'm sure she does.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me. I'm gonna take my game on the road.

(Chuckles)

You do that.

Uh-huh. I'll show you how it's done, baby.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

The girl from last night... Is it her?

You tell me.

Female, out-of-towner, unannounced...

Awfully friendly with humans.

It's beginning then.

I can try and stop this.

How?

Well, I'm not gonna k*ll her, but there are ways of making someone disappear.

No. No.

What's meant to be must be.

We can't fight fate.

Well, you can.

What do you want me to do?

Watch and wait.

(Cell phone rings)

I'll help how I can when the time comes.

Hale. Mm-hmm. Good job.

Okay, we're on our way.

Got a call on the car.

Let's shake. Let's... shake.

Don't worry about it. It's on the house.

You sure? Thank you. Keep it warm, please.

It's on the house.

You're saying you can seduce people into doing anything just by touching them?

Sorta. It wears off and takes a lot out of me, but yeah.

Yet you're broke, you live in a cr*ck shack, and you run from town to town?

What are you doing wrong, girl?

God, that is no life for a sex superhero.

You know, I think I liked you better when you were scared of me.

(Growl)

(Whoosh)

(Sniffs)

No, what you need is some kind of manager.

I nominate me.

Shocking, and no, thanks.

Give me a chance. We would make a good team.

Okay.

Whoa.

Look, this isn't a joke, okay?

Has it occurred to you that hanging out with a homicidal freak might not be the brightest move for you?

Has it occurred to you that I'm capable of making that decision for myself?

"Homicidal freak."

God, you are so emo.

Excuse me?

Learn to enjoy your sh*t already.

You can frickin' control people by touch, and not in a creepy hand job way.

That is awesome!

Fine.

Fine. Let's say I take you with me.

What's in it for you?

Out here? Survival. Mama always said, "Find the toughest kid on the playground and make friends with them."

You are definitely the toughest kid on this playground, and it would kick ass to be your friend.

I don't know.

Come on. Every superhero needs a partner.

Let me be your Robin.

I'll think about it.

Take them.

Here we go.

(Whistling)

Aah. Ohh.

(Bo)

Kenzi, what's wrong?

Ohh.

(Bo grunting)

Where are we taking her?

To the Ash. He insists on an audience.

Sucks to be her.

Guys, seriously, where is my friend, huh?

Where is my friend?

(Panting)

Okay, just take off the hood.

You're a squirmish one, huh?

Oh, you guys have no idea what you are dealing with here.

Okay. Okay, just take off the hood!

Calm down!

I'm not saying anything without my lawyer. Ohh.

Lawyer?

I know my rights, assholes.

(Chuckles)

Is she serious?

Come on.

What is this place, huh?

I don't understand your obstinacy.

You know the rules.

(Chuckles)

Just name your clan.

Buddy, for the last time, I don't have a clan, okay?

Or bagpipes or haggis. I'm not frickin' Scottish.

(Chuckles)

I mean, what the hell kind of cops are you people, anyway, huh? What is this place?

I'm starting to think she's not faking.

Fakin' it? Oh, that's... that's great.

Child...

Do you truly not know what you are?

What am I?

(Grunts)

(Growls)

Forget about me. What the hell are you?

I'm sorry. It's the Morrigan. She insists on seeing her.

(Grunts)

You are not invited.

I know, and I'm hurt.

Cut the sh*t.

Word has that somebody's k*ll was improperly dumped in your territory last night, and not by a local.

It'd be nice to know if we had a new player in town.

We're handling it.

I don't speak to the help.

Hi. Yeah, hello? Could somebody please just tell me what the hell's going on here?

Lauren, take her to the lab.

(Woman)

Grab her.

(Growls)

Aah!

(Grunts)

Enough!

(Grunts)

Lauren needs to examine the girl.

Please... Come with me.

You and I need to talk.

(Speaking Russian)

(Sighs)

Because I'm your cousin, and I'm in trouble, you d*ck.

Yeah, I know your friggin' connections, okay.

You want these wallets? Trace that plate for me, or I'm telling your mom you're being mean.

(Sighs)

assh*le.

(Beep)

So what are you checking me for?

Brands.

Ritual scarring.

The different clans mark themselves in different ways.

My God, you're beautiful.

(Laughs)

I meant that professionally.

(Sighs)

It's cool.

I, uh...

I kind of have that effect on people.

Aha. Well, that would fit my hypothesis on you.

Mm-hmm?

(Chuckles)

Would you mind if I ask you some incredibly personal questions?

Well, all questions feel kinda personal when you're commando.

(Laughs)

Right.

(Chuckles)

Sorry.

Uh, please.

I'll, um...

I'll answer yours, if you answer mine.

What the hell were those freaks that I just met?

They're fae...

An evolutionary branch that predates on humans.

So am I fae?

Yes. Well...

That's your genus, not your species.

And for those of us who flunked biology?

I meant...

Fae is a general classification.

There are many different types.

So what type are you?

The insatiably curious human doctor type.

(Chuckles)

I'm in it for the science.

Oh, kinky.

(Laughs)

Now for the million-dollar question.

What kind of fae am I?

The girl doesn't even know she's fae.

She's as ignorant as a human.

(Laughs)

So are you if you believe her.

Oh, come on. I mean, listen to yourself.

You're not seriously suggesting that she's been hidden from us since birth?

I'm suggesting we need to be united in how we deal with this.

Little problem.

I'm not much of a team player.

If word gets out we've had a free fae under our noses, we'll be the laughingstock of the counties.

Well, then it's agreed.

Let's just k*ll the little bitch and be done with it.

It would be wiser to wait.

Tell me...

Was your neutering... ceremonial or a birth defect?

Her freedom is dangerous to us both.

She cannot be allowed to exist in between our sides.

Which is why we need to make her choose between us... the old way.

I examined your k*ll from last night, and based on your feeding signature, you're...

Just say it.

You're a succubus.

A succubus?

Mm.

(Sighs)

Can you fix it?

(Chuckles)

Well, there's nothing to fix.

You're a perfect biological specimen of your kind.

Who has a habit of waking up next to dead lovers.

I mean, if that's not sick, then I would like a second opinion.

We can help you learn to control it, if you like.

That's possible?

Definitely. If you'd been born into a clan, you would've been taught how by now.

You'd still have to feed, but you wouldn't always have to k*ll.

You deserve a normal life, and we can offer that to you.

What's the catch?

The fae are divided...

The light and the dark.

I presume they'd want you to join one of them before they'd allow me to offer you much help.

(Whoosh)

I can offer you things... if we get out of here.

I know what you're doing.

Do you want me to stop?

No.

You didn't think it was gonna be that easy, did you?

A girl can dream, can't she?

Hands, please.

(Chain clanking)

Sorry. Had to try.

No. Good. No. It was, uh, very informative.

Where are you taking her?

The glass factory.

Why?

It's neutral territory.

They're gonna give her the test.

Without training? That's madness.

It's not our call.

(Hums)

(Ringtone plays)

'Allo. Privet.

Did you get it?

Wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Okay.

"Providence Glass, Inc. on Front."

Thank you. Owe you one. Bye.

(Pants)

Okay.

Party at the glass factory.

(Whispers)

That's not weird.

(Chain clanks)

Ew. Pardon the Turkish prison chic.

(Chuckles)

It's a little obvious for my taste.

We can manage chairs at least.

We're civilized folk.

By the way, congrats on your amnesia girl routine.

You've got everybody buying it.

But between you and I, You know more than you're telling, don't you?

Do you?

Okay.

A girl's gotta have her mystery.

I can respect that.

I'm sorry.

Not to interrupt your, um, crazy, but who are you?

Local government.

Consider me the welcome wagon for the dark fae.

Do you know why you've been brought here today?

You're gonna be tested.

Oh, wow. Will there be math?

(Chuckles)

Funny.

(Laughs)

She's funny.

Listen here, Norma Fae.

We have a millennia-old two-party system, and it works just swell, because membership is mandatory.

Well, I must have lost my invitation.

Which is a problem.

You see, you running around free and nonpartisan gives all the little lemmings ideas.

I don't want any trouble, okay.

Promise.

Just let me go.

Well, lucky for you, if you survive your test today, you'll have the opportunity to join a side.

Problem solved.

Join?

(Chuckles)

Why the hell would I want to do that?

We take care of our own.

We'll place you in a human occupation that is to our advantage, help with the disposal of your kills, et cetera, et cetera.

Oh! And dental.

Well, I'll keep that in mind.

You should.

I hear you've been alone for a long time.

No friends or family.

Afraid you'd k*ll them, I'd imagine.

Sounds lonely.

You have the chance to be a part of something now...

A chance to have a new family...

Or to have enemies.

So...

Be very careful how you play the next few hours.

(Sighs)

Welcome to the top of the food chain, doll.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

(Cell door clangs, lock clicks)

So what exactly am I in for here, huh?

Big, bad nasties? The Loch Ness monster?

Underfae.

Under what now?

Underfae... Those of our kind that don't exactly fit in the human world.

Very old, very dangerous. You'll face two.

Well, what are my chances?

I wouldn't bet on you.

Have I spit in your coffee or something?

What is your deal?

Kiss me.

Wow, are you bad at reading women.

(Door opens and closes)

We don't have time for this.

You need all of the strength you can get, so take some of mine.

Won't I k*ll you?

Just kiss me.

(Screech, whooshing)

(Hisses)

Oh! Ohh.

(Laughs)

Ohh. Wow.

(Laughs)

Did you... Did you feel that?

That was like... That was like the 4th of July in my mouth.

(Laughs)

(Panting)

Hey.

You stopped me.

No one's ever stopped me before.

Fae are different than humans.

Your powers won't work the same on all of us.

Well, how am I supposed to b*at these guys?

You'll be faster. You'll be smarter.

They're gonna underestimate you.

Use that to your advantage.

I misjudged you.

You got any other advice?

Don't get dead.

And you're back to being an assh*le. That's nice.

(Panting)

(Grunts)

(Cheering and rhythmic clapping)

I was not expecting Thunderdome.

He's big, but he's slow.

These are your weapons.

Choose wisely.

(Growls)

(Crowd cheers)

Good luck.

(Snorts)

Uhh!

(Growls)

(Underfae growls)

(Crowd shouting indistinctly)

Aah!

Enough!

(Clapping and cheering stops)

To the death.

(Cheering)

(Growls)

(Grunts)

What are they feeding you down here?

Aah!

(Panting)

(Growls)

Aah!

(Grunts)

Aah!

(Cheering)

Aah! Aah!

(Grunts)

Aah!

(Pants)

(Panting)

(Grunts)

She's probably in there having tea.

(Sighs)

(Grunts)

Ohh. Please don't be rats.

Please don't be rats. Please don't be rats.

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

Ugh.

(Roars)

(Grunts)

Aah!

(Roars)

(Grunts)

(Man whistles)

Ugh.

Gross.

(Grunts)

(Squish)

(Crowd)

Ohh.

(Panting)

(Growls)

(Gasps)

(Birds chirping)

(Gasps)

Hello.

Hi.

Would you like some tea?

What just happened?

I thought we could use some privacy.

Please...

Sit down.

We don't have much time.

I want to help you.

How?

I'm a pain eater.

Let me take yours.

I can end your suffering, if you'll trust me.

(Inhales deeply)

(Low growling)

Hello?

(Under breath)

Okay.

(Blades clatter)

I'd like to show you something.

Those are your dead.

I... I... I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't want to see this.

That's all you've been doing, ten long years...

k*lling and running, k*lling and running.

Aren't you tired?

Yes.

How many more will have to die so you can live?

No.

No, it's not like that anymore.

I... I know what I really am.

They told me that I can learn how to fight it.

You don't actually believe that, do you?

You're an abomination, child.

You know it in your heart.

Do the right thing.

Oh, Bo.

(Purring)

But I don't know what the right thing is anymore.

Can you help me?

If you're willing.

What is it?

Your way out.

You'll sleep and never wake up.

No. I... I don't know.

It will be quick and beautiful, a gesture of love.

No one will even miss you.

No one will mourn you.

Nobody needs you.

(Kenzi, voice echoes)

Bo, wake up!

(Normal voice)

Bo, wake up, damn it!

Bo, wake up. Wake up!

(Grunts)

Bo, he's k*lling you! Wake up!

(Kenzi grunts)

Drink.

(Kenzi) Bo!

Drink!

Bo! Bo! Let me go, you big lug head!

Bo!

Bo, wake up!

Drink!

No.

(Bo) No. Get out of my head, you freak.

(Grunts)

(Growling)

Help!

(Bo grunts)

(Grunts)

Oh!

(Bo) She's mine.

This one has passed the test.

It has been witnessed.

Child, you may name your side.

Neither!

(Crowd groaning)

I choose humans.

(Crowd shouting indistinctly)

(Panting)

Now can we k*ll her?

She passes without any training.

Who is this girl?

May I offer an opinion?

You have no station here, old man.

Don't you have some shoes to cobble or a garden to decorate?

Someone... hid her from both our sides.

It would be wise to learn why and who before k*lling her.

Great. And in the meantime, she could expose us all.

Not without exposing herself.

I'm not saying there won't be a time when she needs to be put down.

I'm saying, choose it wisely.

(Door opens and closes)

(Door creaks)

I feel like we've been paroled.

You sort of have been.

Any conditions on our release?

No more evidence for humans to find, no messing in fae business, and no more leaving town.

The elders want you where they can watch you.

(Closes door)

Well, they don't own me, and I'm not very good at being obedient.

Learn.

And when you need help...

If I need help.

When you need help, you can find me at the 39th Division.

And, Bo?

You did well.

(Van door opens and closes)

I knew I smelled popo.

(Engine starts)

I'm not crazy, right? That all just happened?

(Bo)

Yep.

And now we know... anyone could be fae.

My bet's on wiener dude.

(Chuckles)

So... what now?

We go home and we figure out the rest tomorrow.

"We," huh?

I gotta figure out some way to make a living while I'm here, and you're the one who thought we'd be a good team, So yeah. "We."

Cool. Just so we're clear about this partnership, you be you and all, uh, but I'm only into guys. Sorry.

(Bo laughs)

I'll try to contain my disappointment.