Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

[bunniefuu]

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)




Hi.

Welcome to the future.

San Dimas, California, 2688, and I'm telling you, it's great here.

The air is clean.

The water's clean.

Even the dirt is clean.

Bowling averages are way up.

Mini-golf scores are way down.

And we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with.

I'm telling you this place is great.

But it almost wasn't.

You see, 700 years ago, the two great ones ran into a few problems.

So now I have to travel back in time to help them out.

If I should fail to keep these two on the correct path, the basis of our society will be in danger.

Don't worry, it'll all make sense.

I'm a professional.

I'm Bill S.

Preston, Esquire.

And I'm Ted "Theo..." - Bill, here, you take it.

- OK.

- And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.

- Yeah!

And we're Wyld Stallyns!

Dude!

Let's bail.

We blew it.

Guess we used too much power.

I liked it.

Ted, while I agree that in time our band will be most triumphant, the truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.

Yes, Bill, but...

I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.

Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.

How can we have decent instruments when we really don't know how to play?

That is why we need Eddie Van Halen.

And that is why we need a triumphant video.

- Excellent!

- Excellent!

Uh-oh.

- We're late.

- For what?

- For school, dude.

- Oh, yeah.

Bill, I'm waiting.

He's dead?

So Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short, dead dude.

Well, yeah.

You totally blew it, dude.

- Ted, stand up.

- Stand up?

Yes, son, stand up.

Now... who was Joan of Arc?

Noah's wife?

Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow, final report, 1:30 to 3:30, OK?

Hey, guys.

Mr.

Ryan, before you say anything, my distinguished colleague Ted and I wish to express to you our thanks for all the things we have learned in your class.

And what have you learned?

We have, uh...

We've learned that the world has a great history.

Yes, and that thanks to great leaders such as...

Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method, the world is... full of history.

It seems to me that the only thing you have learned is that Caesar... is a salad dressing dude.

Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple.

You have flunked every section of this class.

Now unless you get an A-plus on your final oral report tomorrow...

...guys, I have no choice but to flunk the both of you.

Now you know your topics, so I would suggest that you at least cover those areas if you want to pass the course.

- Understand?

- Yes, sir.

OK.

Guys.

Your report had better be something very special.

Ah, man.

Well, what are we supposed to know for our report?

I'm not sure.

One thing I know is that Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife.

Well then, who is Noah's wife?

I don't know, Ted.

But I do know we're in serious trouble.

Listen to this: "Express to the class how an important historical figure from each of your time periods would view the world of San Dimas, 1988." We're in danger of flunking most heinously tomorrow, Ted.

Hi, Bill.

Want a ride?

Sure, Missy.

I mean, Mom.

- Your stepmom's cute.

- Shut up, Ted.

Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?

Shut up, Ted!

I'll be right back, as soon as I get my books.

Ted.

What are you doing home, Dad?

- I'm looking for my keys.

- Oh.

You haven't done anything with them, have you?

No, sir.

I spoke to your principal today, Ted.

He said you're failing history.

- Me and Bill...

- He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school.

You know what that would mean, don't you, Ted?

That I would have to go to Oates m*llitary Academy, sir.

Uh-huh.

I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning.

He's anxious to meet you, Ted.

Dude, we gotta pass.

Otherwise there's no more band.

Why?

My dad's sending me to m*llitary school.

Where?

Alaska.

Alaska...

It is time.

Their separation is imminent.

Be excellent to each other.

Party on, dude.

OK, Ted.

George Washington.

One: The father of our country.

Two: Born on President's Day.

Three: The dollar bill guy.

Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head?

Ted...

Alaska.

OK.

Um...

Had wooden teeth, chased Moby d*ck.

That's Captain Ahab, dude.

Oh, wait.

Remember Disney World, the Hall of Presidents?

Yeah, good, what'd he say?

"Welcome to the Hall of Presidents." Hi, I brought you guys some food.

It's your mom, dude!

How's it going, guys?

Bad!

We are destined to flunk most egregiously tomorrow.

And I am destined to end up at Oates m*llitary Academy.

And then we will never start our band.

Good.

- What are you guys studying anyway?

- History.

- Mr.

Ryan?

- Uh-huh.

Tell him, "hi." Why don't you guys take a dinner break?

Thanks, Dad.

Now your dad's going for it... in your own room!

Shut up, Ted.

- Your stepmom is cute, though.

- Shut up, Ted.

Remember when I asked her to the prom?

Shut up, Ted!

Twelve-seventy-five, 1275, 1275...

OK, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.

So it's not just a water sport, I knew it.

Excuse me, when did the Mongols rule China?

I don't know.

I just work here.

Well, you wanna try the Thrifty Mart?

Sure.

Whoa!

Not bad.

Greetings, my excellent friends.

Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?

Well... perhaps we could ask them.

Bill S.

Preston, Esquire...

...and Ted "Theodore" Logan.

Gentlemen, I'm here to help you with your history report.

What?

How?

Whoa!

- Whoo!

- I hate that part.

- Bill?

- What?

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Dudes, you guys are gonna go back in time.

Yeah!

You are going to have a most excellent adventure through history.

- Who are you guys?

- We're you, dude!

No way.

No way!

- Yes way, Ted!

- Look, we know how you feel.

We didn't believe it either when we were you and we-us said what we-us are saying right now.

OK wait, if you guys are really us...

...what number are we thinking of?

Sixty-nine, dudes!

Whoa!

Look, we've gotta go.

Yeah, we gotta get back to the report.

Rufus!

Listen to this dude, Rufus.

He knows what he's talking about.

Right.

Oh, and Ted, give my love to the princesses.

- Who?

- You'll see.

Gentleman... is everything all right?

Yeah, except, how come...

Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!

Thanks, Rufus.

Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.

Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?

Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened.

Besides we told ourselves to listen to this guy.

What if we were lying?

Why would we lie to ourselves?

How are you gonna help us?

Yeah, are you gonna call someone and get the answers?

Gentlemen, we're gonna do a lot more than that.

Whoa.

Excellent.

Brace yourselves, amigos.

Gentlemen...

...we're history.

Rufus, where are we, dude?

These are the circuits of history, gentlemen.

They'll take us to any point in time we wish.

How?

Modern technology, William.

Whoa!

- That was most unprecedented, Rufus.

- Yeah.

But where are we, Rufus?

Austria, 1805, the French have just invaded.

Bill, check it out!

We're in the middle of a w*r, dude!

Amigos, time to depart.

How's it going, dude?

Now where are we, dude?

Oh, it's my house.

Rufus, can we go anywhere we want, at any time?

Gentlemen, you can do anything you want, as long as you remember this: No matter what happens, you must get to that report.

Got it?

All right, amigos, that book will give you the number of any place you want to go.

Now, most important, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, that clock, the clock in San Dimas, is always running.

Got it?

- Yeah.

- All right, time for me to go.

What do you mean, Rufus?

Yeah, aren't you coming with us?

Gentlemen, you're on your own.

- Ted?

- What?

This has been a most unusual day.

- Ted, it's Napoleon.

- Who?

The short, dead dude from our history review.

Ted, I have a most excellent idea.

Grab his legs, we gotta get him inside.

I think I've figured out a way to pass our report.

How?

Well, we've got one historical figure here.

Maybe we can go back and get some more.

Yeah!

Deacon, you have to watch this guy.

His name is Napoleon.

He's a very famous French dude.

We have decided to collect other important figures from history for an oral report we are doing.

While we are gone, you are not to let him out of your sight.

Here is some money.

Take him to the movies or something.

Napoleon, I am Bill.

We'll take you back to France after you tell us what you think of San Dimas.

- This is Ted's little brother, Deacon.

- Hi.

He'll take care of you.

- Ready, Ted?

- Ready, Bill.

Let's go back into history.

This should be most triumphant.

I want to speak with you, son.

Alone please, Bill.

All right, sit down.

What am I gonna do with you?

You can't...

Great.

You lose my keys.

You fail history.

You spend all your time with your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen.

Now you're not to leave this house again until tomorrow morning.

- Yes?

- Captain Logan?

This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station.

Deputy Van Halen?

I'm new, dude... sir.

Look, we found your keys, and if you want 'em, you better come and get 'em.

When I get back from the station, I want you packed and ready to go.

Got it?

We are in serious trouble.

My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tomorrow night.

Only if we fail, dude.

No way!

OK, we got Sigmund Freud, Beethoven...

Uh...

Is there one for Western Movement in America in the 19th Century?

Yeah.

Well then...

...let's reach out and touch someone.

How's it going, Old West Dude?

Hey, Bill, this is just like Frontierland.

Yeah, but you can get sh*t here, Ted.

Oh.

- Just try to act natural.

- OK.

- Howdy, partner.

- Howdy.

Watch out for the horse crap, Ted.

Ugh.

Thanks, dude.

- Hey, Bill, I'm totally thirsty.

- Me too.

Two beers, please.

Whoa!

He didn't even card us, dude!

Yeah, we have to remember this place.

So, who should we take with us?

- Who's he?

- He's Billy the Kid.

He's famous, dude.

Let's bag him.

I need two men.

Who's with me?

We're with you, Billy the Kid.

Here's the deal.

What I win, I keep.

What you win, I keep.

Sounds good, Mr.

The Kid.

Dude, you gotta have a poker face, like me.

Whoa!

Three aces!

What the hell's going on here, Billy?

Are you cheating us, Kid?

Cheatin'?

Me?

Billy!

Excellent!

Look, we're totally weak.

We can't possibly fight you.

However, how would you gentlemen like...

...free passes to Waterloo.

Home of excellent water slides.

Nice try, dude.

Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

What?

Come on.

- Look!

- It's the Goodyear blimp.

Huh?

I can't believe they fell for that!

Yeah!

- Let's get 'em!

- k*ll 'em!

Come on!

- You guys saved my life.

- Nothing doing, Billy the Kid.

- Where we going?

- The Golden Age of Civilization.

- Where?

- Ancient Greece, dude.

Don't worry, we'll bring you back as soon as you talk in our report.

What?!

What the?

Socrates.

- Hey, we know that name.

- Yeah!

Hey, look him up.

- Oh.

It's under So-crates.

- Oh, yeah.

"So-crates: 'The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing."' - That's us, dude!

- Oh, yeah!

- Let's bag him.

- Yeah.

How's it going?

I'm Bill, this is Ted.

We're from the future.

Socrates.

Hm...

Now what?

I don't know.

Philosophize with him.

All we are is dust in the wind, dude.

Dust.

- Wind.

- Dude.

Ha!

Let's get out of here, dude.

Whoa!

All right!

Yee-ha!

Not bad, eh, So-crates?

- Where are we, dude?

- England, 15th century.

We are in most excellent shape for our report.

Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval.

Excellent.

Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.

Excuse me.

Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?

Whoa!

Check it out.

It must be the castle of King Henry.

Let's go, dude!

Billy, guard the booth.

And watch So-crates.

So-crates.

So, who should we get from medieval?

How about that gnarly old goat dude?

Ted?

I'm in love, dude.

Whoa!

Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle K.

We gotta go, it's a history report, not a babe report.

But Bill...

...those are historical babes.

OK, you're the ladies man, how we gonna meet 'em?

Excellent.

- Bill?

- What?

- These are heavy.

- Yeah, heavy metal.

We gotta go find the princesses.

Yeah.

Watch it!

Who turned out all the lights?

- Hey, Bill?

- What?

I'm Darth Ted.

Yeah, well I'm Luke Bill.

And you're not my father.

Come on!

Hey!

I totally conquered you, dude!

No way!

Come on!

I'll never rule the universe with you.

- Hey, Bill.

- What?

We totally know how to sword fight.

Yeah!

Ah!

Whoa!

Ted.

Search the castle, there might be more of them.

Get out of here!

Bogus.

Heinous.

Most non-triumphant.

Ah, Ted... don't be dead, dude.

You k*lled Ted, you medieval dickweed!

Whoa!

- Ted, you're alive!

- Yeah!

I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor.

f*g.

Dude, you totally boned that dude in the head.

Yeah!

He's a total bonehead.

...that fat old man.

I must find a way to escape before the night.

But how?

- What's that?

- Whoa...

Boys.

I can't believe they're here.

How's it going, ladies?

You're the ones we saw in front of the castle.

I am Ted of San Dimas.

And, uh...

I bring to you a message of love.

- From who?

- From... from myself.

And what is this message you speak of?

Uh...

Lyrics, dude.

Recite 'em some lyrics.

Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time.

Will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas?

- We will have a most triumphant time.

- Way to go, dude.

- Joanna!

Elizabeth!

- It's father!

- What does your father want?

- We're to be married - to horrible old men today.

- No way!

Will you help us escape?

Of course, babes.

How's it going, royal ugly dudes?

I am the Earl of Preston.

And I am the Duke of Ted.

Put them in the iron maiden.

Iron Maiden?

Excellent!

Execute them!

Bogus.

We'll save you, babes!

Witches!

Heretics!

I saw them!

They fell from the sky!

Heretics!

They fell out of the sky!

They had fire in their eyes, and they had horns!

Off with their heads!

Oh, no.

- Bill?

- What?

I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.

Huh?

- Billy!

- So-crates!

Let's go!

- Guards!

After them!

- Ah!

- So-crates!

- Bye, babes!

Catch you later, medieval dudes.

k*ll them!

Guards!

Stop them!

Stop them!

Hurry up, Billy!

Get out of the way!

Move out of the way!

Come on, get out of here!

Whoa!

Dial fast, dude!

I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service at this time.

Please check your directory and dial again.

- Oh, no.

- Party on, dude.

Bill!

OK, I got one, let's go!

You guys stay here.

Where are we, dude?

I don't know.

They sure do play excellent music.

Most outstanding.

- It's you.

- Yeah!

It's us!

Who are we?

Bill, I think they want us to say something.

What should I say?

Make something up.

Be excellent to each other.

Party on, dudes!

Good one, dude.

Well, we gotta get back to our report.

Yeah, we'd take you with us, but it's a history report, not a future report.

Later.

Later.

Let's get back and do our report.

Good idea.

- Dude, where're we going?

- I don't know.

I think the booth's broke.

We gotta keep going to San Dimas until we get back and get Napoleon.

Behold.

Behold, the Ziggy Pig.

The single greatest ice cream spectacle known to man.

Eat the pig.

Eat the pig.

Ziggy, ziggy, ziggy, zig!

Whoo-hoo!

It's ice cream.

You eat it.

It's good.

Whatever, just eat it.

Hm...

All behold, he ate the pig.

Thus proving that he's a Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy.

What's that?

I don't know.

- sh*t!

- Whoa!

Where'd we land now?

Dude, it's Sigmund Freud.

How much time have we got left?

Tons!

Why?

Extra credit, dude!

How's it going, Freud dude?

Let go of me.

What are you doing?

Come on, So-crates.

Welcome aboard, Ms.

Joan of Arc.

My name's Ted, and this is Bill.

Oh!

Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?

Say "please." Mm...

Come on, guys!

Jump him!

Candygram.

Yes, what can I...

We've got plenty of time, but we don't have any more room left.

- Ted, we're outta control.

- What?

The next place we stop we gotta try and figure out what's wrong with the booth.

Bill, I think I got an idea what's wrong.

What?

The antenna's broken.

Yeah!

All right.

Come on, let's ditch him.

Hold on there.

Not so fast, buddy.

- Buddy?

- You ain't paid yet.

- Pay?

- Pay.

I don't want to see you around here anymore!

b*at it!

b*at it, buddy!

Idiot!

Deacon!

Here is a treat to make a minor prehistoric pit stop a bit more enjoyable.

Thank you.

Uh-oh.

Thanks, guys.

I sure hope this works.

I think it's working, dude.

Just a little farther...

...I hope!

Hey!

That's us.

We're back in San Dimas.

Yeah, only now it's not now.

It's last night.

- Dude.

- What?

Let's go talk to ourselves.

Excellent.

What do we say anyway, anyways?

I don't know.

Let's go find out.

Sixty-nine, dudes!

Whoa!

Look dudes, we've gotta go.

Rufus!

Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.

Right.

Oh, and Ted, give my love to the princesses.

- Who?

- You'll see.

Gentlemen, is everything all right?

Yeah, except how come the number we dialed for San Dimas brought us here instead of to tomorrow, Rufus?

Because in San Dimas it is tomorrow, William.

You have to dial one number higher.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks Rufus.

And you better hurry, because you don't have much time.

What do you mean, Rufus?

We got ten hours left.

You got two hours.

Ted, you forgot to wind your watch again.

Even after you reminded yourself not to.

Well, I better remind myself again.

Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!

Thanks, Rufus.

Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.

That conversation made more sense this time.

Ted, you're too tall, man.

- Great, we made it!

- Huh?

Whoa!

- Who's the seorita?

She's cute.

- It's his mom, dude.

- Hi, guys.

- Hi, Missy.

I mean Mom.

Uh, Mrs. Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our friends.

Yeah, this is, uh, Dave Beethoven.

Ah.

And, uh...

Maxine of Arc.

Missy.

Herman the Kid.

Bob Genghis Khan.

- So-crates Johnson.

- Hi.

Dennis Freud and, uh...

...Abraham Lincoln.

Well, it's nice to meet you all.

There are sodas in the fridge.

Mom, can you give us a ride someplace?

Bill, I'm not taking you anywhere until you do your chores.

Done!

This is the San Dimas mall.

And this is where people of today's world hang out.

All right, everybody, watch your step getting off.

Beethoven, make sure you don't get sucked under.

Everybody get together, remember who your buddy is.

So-crates, watch out for your robe, dude.

OK, follow me.

You've got your Broadway down here, and got your Sears over here.

The stratification of our society is much like Marie Antoinette's.

The few possess much, while the masses possess little but their television sets.

This dichotomy led to a revolution in which Antoinette and her husband were beheaded.

Today, leaders are impeached rather than beheaded.

Still, while in her day, Marie Antoinette said "Let them eat cake," perhaps today she would say, "Let them eat fast food." - Enjoy.

- OK, look around, see what you think.

We'll be back as soon as we find Napoleon.

OK?

Come on, dude, we don't got much time.

Yes, but what do we...

You ditched Napoleon?!

Deacon, do you realize you've stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders - in San Dimas?

- He was a d*ck.

Well... how are we gonna find him?

OK, wait, if we were one of the greatest generals in history, and we were stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go?

Waterloo!

Eleven children, please.

Are you OK?

This is fun!

Buddy, you're holding up the line!

Come on, buddy.

Come on, Napoleon.

Everybody's waiting for us.

- No, no, no!

- Yes, yes, yes!

Why be soft and flabby when you can be firm and trim?

When you can have a body that cries out, "Look at me, admire me." With our specialized weight training and aerobics program, we can help you attain the kind of body you've only dreamed of having.

All right, let's go ladies!

You guys are looking great!

OK, jumping jacks.

Jump!

Jump!

You a musician?

Well here, try this.

What is?

What are they doing?

Look at his sandals.

Ooh!

- I don't know.

- He's creepy.

- Weird, huh?

- Oh, they're coming over.

Hi.

I'm Billy, this here is So-crates.

- Socrates.

- We're from history.

Hello, I'm Dr.

Freud.

But you may call me Siggy.

Oh, my God!

You both seem to be suffering from a mild form of hysteria.

You are such a geek.

Way to go, egghead.

- Geek!

- What is a "geek"?

Huh...

Oh...

Oh.

I need some help.

I've got a live one here.

- OK...

- Thank you.

...I need the Lincoln hat and the stupid beard back.

You don't understand, I'm Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah, right.

Ha, ha, ha.

Now, come on, mister...

This is my hat and my beard.

I am!

Keep it up!

You're looking great!

Yah!

Hey!

That crazy there!

- Son, hold it right there.

- Get that guy off there.

Oh!

Stop him!

Yee-haw!

Ya-ha!

- No, Sig, over here.

- Sorry, miss.

Excuse me, miss.

- Move, move.

- Pardon me.

Oh, no.

I demand a lawyer.

Don't get smart with me, buddy.

Let's go.

Hey, there they are!

Ah!

All right, come on, Grandpa.

Bogus!

That's enough.

Mom, can't you go any faster?

I want to know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.

Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?

Why do you keep asking me these questions?

Tell me about your mother.

- Oh, God.

- Would you like a couch to lie on?

No, I don't want a couch to lie on.

All right, what's your name?

Abraham Lincoln.

That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.

I know how to spell Lincoln.

What's your birthday, Mr.

Lincoln?

February 12th, 1809.

Everything is different, but the same.

Things are more moderner than before, bigger, and yet smaller.

It's computers.

Take your time!

San Dimas High School football rules!

I can't believe my dad arrested them all.

What are we gonna do?

OK, Ted, you go in and talk to your dad.

I'm gonna scope the place out.

Missy, I mean Mom, please keep an eye on Napoleon.

Stay!

All right, lock him up with the rest of those wackos.

- I am a lawyer, you know...

- Dad!

- You pack your bags, Ted.

- What?

You're going to m*llitary school.

- But, Dad...

- No, I don't want to hear it, Ted.

- But...

- Ted, you go home and you pack your bags, now!

- How'd it go?

- Bad.

Our historical figures are all locked up and my dad won't let them out.

Can we get your dad's keys?

I could steal them, but he lost them two days ago.

If only we could go back in time to when he had them and steal them then.

Well, why can't we?

'Cause we don't got time.

We could do it after the report.

Ted, good thinking, dude!

After the report, we'll time travel back to two days ago, steal your dad's keys, and leave them here.

- Where?

- I don't know.

How about behind that sign?

That way, when we get here now, they'll be waiting for us.

- See?

- Whoa!

Yeah!

So, after the report we can't forget to do this, otherwise it won't happen.

But it did happen!

Hey, it was me who stole my dad's keys!

Exactly, Ted.

Come on.

- Mom?

- Yes?

Can you please bring the car around back?

Sure.

Come on, Ted.

We've got some historical figures to rescue.

Over and out.

How are we gonna get past my dad?

You got a tape recorder at home?

- Yeah.

- OK.

- Remember to get the tape recorder.

- Yeah.

Set a timer on it for, uh... 2:13.

- Got it?

- Got it!

What am I gonna say on it?

Dad!

Hey, Dad!

It's you, dude.

Ted?

I'm over here.

Yeah, this way.

Whoa.

Check it out.

"Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report.

Sincerely, Bill S.

Preston, Esquire and Ted "Theodore" Logan." That was nice of us.

"P.S. Duck!" - Excellent work, dude.

- Way to go!

Come on.

Shh!

Time is of the essence.

May I ask that you all work together so that we can get down to the car.

Very quiet now.

Quiet.

Against the wall.

Single file.

- Hurry up, Billy.

- How do we get out of here?

Over here, Dad.

Down here!

Way to go, dude.

We stalled him.

What else do I say?

And now, opening for Iron Maiden...

... Wyld Stallyns!

- Come on, Bill, put your back into it.

- Ted?

What in the hell do you think you're doing?

Trash can.

Remember a trash can!

Trash can?

What are you talking about?

- Get this thing off me, Ted!

- Sorry, Dad, but we've got to go pass our history report.

- Oh, by the way, I found your keys.

- Ted!

Ted, where are you?

Get this off me!

Ted!

In conclusion, I think Abraham Lincoln would be most impressed with the world of San Dimas.

I know I am.

- Down the hall, to the left.

- Quiet.

And I'm sure I speak for Mr.

Ward and Mrs.

Rowe when I say that your reports were very entertaining and very informative for all of us.

So, it seems we may be one report short today, so we'll leave just a bit early.

But once again, I want to thank you all for your very hard work...

Hey, who turned out the lights?

Hello, San Dimas.

Please welcome, for the final report of the afternoon, from all throughout history, some of the greatest people who have ever lived, in their 1988 World Tour!

How's it going?

I'm Billy the Kid.

I'd like you all to put your hands together.

And now, my good friends, Bill S.

Preston, Esquire, and Ted "Theodore" Logan!

Whoo!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Hello, San Dimas High!

Mr. Ryan, fellow distinguished classmates, teachers, babes.

Our first speaker was born - in the year 470 B.C.

- Hi, long time no see.

A time when much of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album Houses ofthe Holy.

We were there.

There were many steps and columns, it was most tranquil.

He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought.

He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle.

And like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.

And since he doesn't speak English, my friend Ted here, is going to interpret for him.

So please welcome, to tell us what he thinks of San Dimas, the most bodacious philosophizer in Ancient Greece...

... Socrates!

...is totally out of control.

I got a good idea where he gets it from.

I mean if you and that wife of yours would show a little discipline maybe your son wouldn't be such a bad influence.

Is discipline your key to the success with Ted?

Yes, it is!

He's going to an Alaskan m*llitary school.

He loves you best...

...in all the world.

What are they doing up there?

He also loves...

...baseball!

Therefore, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all of his own deepest anxieties about himself.

And, hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.

- Whoa!

- OK, Ted?

Yes, thank you very much, Sigmund Freud.

Hm?

Nah, just got a minor Oedipal complex.

It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in Medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.

Please welcome the very excellent barbarian...

... Mr. Genghis Khan.

This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China.

And who we are told, two hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.

A most bodacious soldier, and general, Ms.

Of Arc totally rousted the English from France.

And then turned this dude, Dauphin, into a king and all this by the time she was 17.

...waterslide.

The music of Ludwig van Beethoven.

As you can see, Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush.

He also loves billiards.

Beethoven's favorite works include Mozart's "Requiem," Handel's "Messiah," and Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet.

To improve on the condition of her armies, Joan of Arc plans on instituting a full scale aerobics program on her return to France.

I don't think it's gonna work.

No?

He loves...

He loves San Dimas.

And now, for our last speaker.

One of the greatest presidents in American history...

...Mr. Abraham Lincoln.

Four score and...

...seven minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure.

Conceived by our new friends...

...Bill...

...and Ted.

These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition which was true in my time, just as it's true today.

Be excellent to each other...

...and... party on, dudes!

- No...

- Way!

Thank you, San Dimas High!

We want more!

We want more!

Intro.

I'm Bill S.

Preston, Esquire.

- Bill?

- What's up, Ted?

Well... we traveled through time.

I mean, we met lots of great leaders, and we got an A-plus on our history report...

...but look at us, nothing's different.

Maybe it's time we get Eddie Van Halen.

Maybe we should start learning how to play.

Maybe you're right, Ted.

Hello, again, my excellent friends.

Whoa!

Congratulations on passing your history report.

Rufus.

The babes!

We looked all over England for you.

Where'd you get those savory clothes?

Rufus introduced us to a place called the mall.

And something called credit cards.

I got them out of England just before they had to marry those royal ugly dudes.

Way to go Rufus.

How can we ever thank you, Rufus?

Well, you can start by signing this for my kids.

Why?

They're big fans of yours.

- What?

- Everyone is.

Wyld Stallyns' music has become the foundation of our whole society.

No way.

Yes way.

In fact, I believe you were there.

That futuristic place with the domes?

And the totally excellent music.

They totally worshipped us there, Rufus.

I know.

That's why I was sent to make sure you passed your history report.

If you guys were separated it would have been disastrous for life as we know it.

You see, eventually your music will help put an end to w*r and poverty.

It will align the planets and bring them into universal harmony, allowing meaningful contact with all forms of life, from extraterrestrial beings to common household pets.

And... it's excellent for dancing.

Whoa.

Why don't you have the ladies sign as well, would you please?

- After all, they are in the band.

- They are?

- Excellent.

- Excellent.

Where are you going, Rufus?

I got a surprise for you.

Here.

That's to help you as you start your new band.

Thanks, Rufus.

Now I just have one further humble request.

If I might be so honored to jam with you?

- Do you know how to play, Rufus?

- Well, I play a little.

Whoa!

Most outstanding, Rufus.

Let's jam.

- Bill, my friend?

- Yes, Ted, my friend?

This has been a most excellent adventure.

- One...

- Two...

One, two, three, four!

They do get better.